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What helps kids keep talking to their parents—even when the subject is awkward, uncomfortable, or potentially alarming?
Mandy welcomes her son Carter back to the podcast just days before he leaves for college. Carter gives parents an honest look at the digital and cultural pressures young people are facing today
What helps kids keep talking to their parents—even when the subject is awkward, uncomfortable, or potentially alarming?
Mandy welcomes her son Carter back to the podcast just days before he leaves for college. Carter gives parents an honest look at the digital and cultural pressures young people are facing today
Transcription is done by an AI software. While technology is an incredible tool to automate this process, there will be misspellings and typos that might accompany it. Please keep that in mind as you work through it.
Power Struggles And Kids’ Independence
SPEAKER_03 0:00
Naturally, as kids, when your parents like tell you something, you just want to do the opposite because you wanna be like you want to be seen as like smarter than them. Cause kids we think we’re smarter than our parents. Don’t look at yourself as like you’re the parents, your kids would like look at it like you’re a son and daughter of God, and they are also a son and daughter of God. Like one thing that stuck out to me recently was like God doesn’t have grandchildren, God only has sons and daughters. So like the only difference between you and your kid are that you just live longer and that like you may be more wise.
Empty Nest Countdown And College Plans
SPEAKER_06 0:30
Welcome to the Next Talk Parent podcast. I’m your host, Mandy Majors. Together, as parents, we’re learning how to navigate tech, culture, and faith with our kids. We share real stories and real hope as we fight to keep our kids safe in a digital world. Last season we had my youngest kid, 19-year-old son, on the podcast, and it was one of y’all’s favorite shows. So he’s getting ready to leave for college in a couple days, and I asked him to come back and answer some more of your questions that you sent in. How do you feel? You’re like you are wanted on the podcast.
SPEAKER_03 1:14
I I feel loved.
SPEAKER_06 1:16
Good, good. Okay, for those who may not have seen your previous show, introduce yourself a little bit.
SPEAKER_03 1:24
Yeah, I’m uh I’m Carter. I’m the baby of the family. I’m the youngest, and I’m leaving for college in what four days? Five days? What day is it? Monday?
SPEAKER_06 1:36
When this show airs, I will be an empty nester. Matt and I will be empty nesters, and I Carter will tell you. Some days I’m fine, and other days I I can’t. I can’t even talk about it sometimes. It’s too much. The poor kid. The poor kid has been asking to play board games at night with us. And like last night I told him, like, you do not have to feel obligated to to play board games with us because I’ve been crying so much. He’s like, no, no, I really want to. I’m like, no, I’m sorry I can’t get it together.
SPEAKER_03 2:17
I do want to play board games.
SPEAKER_06 2:19
You’re leaving for college.
SPEAKER_03 2:20
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 2:20
What are you gonna major in?
SPEAKER_03 2:22
Um, right now I’m not really sure. I’m between business and ministry, maybe a mix of both, or definitely a mix of both. I don’t know, maybe a double major, maybe business and minor ministry, maybe swapped. So we’ll see.
SPEAKER_06 2:35
Yeah, you’re gonna talk to some people when you get to your college and kind of figure out all the plans
Church Internship Behind The Scenes
SPEAKER_06 2:40
and stuff. Um, but you got to do something really cool this summer.
SPEAKER_05 2:44
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 2:44
Uh tell tell the people about that because I it’s been a blessing to watch you get this opportunity.
SPEAKER_03 2:50
So I was uh an intern at uh a church this summer. It’s really cool. They had it, they have a set internship and there’s a bunch of different positions. And the one that I got put into because I am uh because I’m interested in ministry was the uh the adult miniature ministries team. And so what that is, it there’s like a couple people and they oversee all the adult ministries and whatnot. So it was really cool. I got to like sit in on different groups, like I got to sit in on a women’s Bible study, sit in on uh regeneration groups, help out with like the uh youth group, help out with the kids’ ministry, and just do a lot of really cool stuff.
SPEAKER_06 3:29
Well, it was really neat because considering a ministry major, it kind of gave you a behind the scenes look as to what that would look like every day.
SPEAKER_03 3:38
Yeah, and how they like all the ministries work together.
SPEAKER_06 3:40
Yeah. And what I thought was really cool, just for context, this was not our home church that we go to. This was not a church that I have done anything with with Next Talk. So I didn’t know anybody. We didn’t know anybody there. Um, Carter found this opportunity through his friends, through his networking, through friends that went there and applied and went through the process. So it’s been, I I think as a mom, and and Matt and I talk about this all the time. What’s been really cool for us is to see a church pour into the next generation in this way. Because it wasn’t just you, it was like what, five or six other people?
SPEAKER_03 4:18
There were eight of us in total.
SPEAKER_06 4:19
Okay, eight of us. And they’re all like either going into college or or gonna be a sophomore.
SPEAKER_03 4:25
Okay, okay, in college.
SPEAKER_06 4:27
So this church has been pouring into the next generation, and it was a paid internship, and um, it was a blessing. Yeah,
Identity Over Performance And Anxiety
SPEAKER_06 4:35
it was a real, real blessing. Um, so the last week that you were there, you got the opportunity to speak to students.
SPEAKER_03 4:42
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 4:43
Middle school and high school, right?
SPEAKER_03 4:44
Yeah. So it was me and two of the other people on the internship, and we were doing a series like Jesus over anxiety. So we got to speak over Jesus over fear and performance, and how like when we put our like value or our uh identity in our fear or our performance, and it really like separates us in our relationship from Jesus with Jesus.
SPEAKER_06 5:07
So I know you shared a little bit about your personal experience with your um you tackling your own fears. Yeah. Share an example that you shared with the students.
SPEAKER_03 5:18
Yeah, I mean, the main example I shared was basketball. How I put like so much pressure on myself to perform because I thought that if I didn’t perform, people wouldn’t like me. And then when I realized that like uh my identity was actually in Jesus, that made it like I didn’t have to worry about my performance. And that if I did play bad, my friends wouldn’t leave me, and that on the off case that they did, it didn’t really matter because I still had God.
SPEAKER_06 5:41
Yeah. Did did did dad or I put any pressure on you for that to perform in a way? Because I’m looking back thinking, did we and not realize that we were doing it? Obviously, we didn’t want to.
SPEAKER_03 5:53
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06 5:54
I mean, that wasn’t our intention.
SPEAKER_03 5:56
No, I don’t think so.
SPEAKER_06 5:58
It’s I mean, sometimes we just want the best for our kids, so we push them. And sometimes kids interpret that as pressure when we’re just trying to push you to do your best.
SPEAKER_03 6:09
Yeah, I think maybe when I was in like middle school a little bit, but that was more so just me not uh not understanding the difference.
SPEAKER_06 6:15
Yeah, yeah, I can see that. Um, okay, so that was cool. And did you really like speaking to students?
SPEAKER_03 6:21
Yeah, it was really fun. It was a little stressful to prepare for it. Yeah, but it was really fun, it was really life-giving.
SPEAKER_06 6:26
It was really neat seeing you pour into that. You really wanted to do a good job. You and the other two guys that were doing it, you really worked a lot on it.
SPEAKER_03 6:36
Yeah, we ran through it probably at least five or six times.
SPEAKER_06 6:40
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 6:40
Probably more than that, actually.
SPEAKER_06 6:42
Well, I’m I’m really glad you had that opportunity. And I also have some questions for you that I kind of want to rapid fire that people
Sports Betting Ads In Gaming
SPEAKER_06 6:50
have sent in. They listen to your show and they’re just like curious.
SPEAKER_05 6:53
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 6:53
So I’m thinking, okay, this may be good to some good questions to ask you. Um, how prevalent is online sports gambling?
SPEAKER_03 7:06
I mean, I think online sports gambling and like betting is like super prevalent. I see it like all the time. I’m into like a lot of sports video games. So a lot of those YouTubers are sponsored by uh uh gambling websites. So I like at the start of almost every video, there’s like a there’s like a sponsored ad with that. So I see it like all the time. Like even just today, I’ve probably seen like seven sports betting ads.
SPEAKER_06 7:32
Okay, so it’s targeting.
SPEAKER_03 7:35
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_06 7:36
And and the games that you’re playing, parents would probably think are safe games because they’re like Madden football, NBA 2K, those kinds of sports games where we’re like, that’s safe content for our kids. But then you’re seeing all these ads.
SPEAKER_05 7:50
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 7:50
And then if you watch the YouTubers who specialize in these games and kind of show you the tricks and that kind of stuff, that’s what you’re talking about, right? I’m putting it through the mom version of I want to make sure I’m understanding this correctly. So, so when you watch these YouTubers that are that are like expert gamers on these sports games, then they are kind of like an advertiser and they will tell you to download sports gambling apps.
SPEAKER_03 8:15
Yeah, and like if you use their code, you’ll get a discount or like extra money to gamble or whatever.
SPEAKER_06 8:20
Okay, give me a specific example because a couple, what it was it, a couple years ago or something, this happened and you brought it to me immediately and was like, something fills off here.
SPEAKER_03 8:29
Yeah, so I was playing uh I was playing uh a basketball game, and it’s super hard to upgrade your player, like it could cost a lot of money uh through because you have to buy coins to upgrade your player, and there’s this YouTuber, and they were saying, like, swipe up on my Instagram story, I’m giving away these coins to upgrade my player. And I was like, Yeah, I’m gonna at least try and do that. So I did that, and then he replied to me, and he was like, All right, you gotta go here, download this app, this sports betting app, and use my code or use my code and input five dollars, and then you’ll get fifty dollars additional to gamble.
SPEAKER_06 9:03
Okay, so he wanted you to download an app, load five dollars on it, and then you were gonna get fifty dollars.
SPEAKER_03 9:09
Yeah, and he was even saying on Instagram, he said that um if I didn’t I have five dollars to upload that he’d actually vinyl me five dollars to upload.
SPEAKER_06 9:17
Okay, was that a red flag for you?
SPEAKER_03 9:19
Yeah, absolutely, because there were just so many extra steps. Whereas if it was a simple giveaway, then he would just say, Okay, what’s your Vin mail? I’ll send it to you or whatever. And also it was odd, he was sending me voice messages on Instagram.
SPEAKER_06 9:32
And this is a guy with lots of followers. I mean, this wasn’t just some random guy, this is a famous hundreds of thousands YouTube gamer, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 9:41
And I know a lot of like a lot of uh YouTubers are sponsored by the similar or the same uh gambling company or website, so like a lot of them just do the same thing.
SPEAKER_06 9:52
Okay, so if parents, if you have a young boy, because a lot of I’m thinking third to eighth grade boys are playing these sports games because they’re pretty safe as far as there’s not killing each other, there’s not a lot of you know horrible content on it. So they’re playing these games, but they’re being driven these ads, uh how normal it is to sports gamble.
SPEAKER_03 10:19
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 10:20
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 10:20
I think also like one feature that these sports games are kind of adding is I don’t think this feature you should like not let your kids play sports games, but I think it could be like something just talked to them about is so like the way I play games are different modes, but the one that I like is where you like get different players and build your team, and specifically like in uh football, and um one of the new features they added is that you can upgrade players, and so what it entails is you like put in a certain number of coins or whatever, and these players will get like five random stats upgraded, and then if you want to get different stats, you have to pay more coins to take those stats off and then put more random stats on. So, even in that, in a sense, it’s like gambling, yeah. But I again I don’t think that’s enough to like say like you’re not playing that game, but I think it is like maybe possible to just be like, hey, just like yeah, it’s not real like money or anything. You actually can use real money for it, but just like I have a conversation about that, like, hey, just like know that that may not be a good idea. It’s like like it’s a game, so it’s not a big deal, but just have that conversation about like like real money, like that’s not something you want to do.
SPEAKER_06 11:35
Well, I feel like you kind of have had an advantage a little bit because when we would see a next talk issue pop up like this, like I would talk to you about it. Yeah, I would say, Man, uh, a parent contacted us about this. I didn’t even know this was happening. Is this happening on your game? And then it would create a conversation.
SPEAKER_05 11:50
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 11:51
And then stuff that was like being pushed to you, like the normalization of gambling, you would then see it for yourself. Like, whoa, that is really happening. And I I think that’s extremely important to have those conversations. But those started before the sports games, those were like in Fortnite, Roblox, when you would do loot boxes and mystery, remember all of that kind of stuff? I would you would laugh at me and make fun of me.
SPEAKER_05 12:17
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 12:17
But I would say that’s kind of like gambling.
SPEAKER_05 12:20
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 12:21
And we would talk about it. And he wasn’t restricted from it.
SPEAKER_05 12:25
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 12:25
But we would say, you only get to buy those things, like if you have a special gift card for a birthday or whatever. We’re not gonna put in money every month or money to do that because that is just gonna be a waste of money. It’s gambling.
SPEAKER_05 12:40
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 12:40
Yeah. And so those conversations start really early on these games.
SPEAKER_05 12:45
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 12:46
That way they can see for themselves what what’s happening. But sports gambling, it’s so I mean, I know we’ve had so many families we’ve helped with young men your age losing a lot of money.
SPEAKER_05 13:02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 13:02
And I think it starts with these kinds of scams, like put in five dollars, I’ll give you 50, and then start gambling.
SPEAKER_05 13:08
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 13:08
And then you hit big and then
Headsets Strangers And Online Safety
SPEAKER_06 13:10
you want to keep going. Yeah. With gaming, too, one of the things we did was in steps. Like, so when you were little, you could game, but you could not play with people you didn’t know with in real life.
SPEAKER_04 13:22
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 13:22
Okay. Now eventually we felt you were old enough and you knew their red flags that you could game with people you didn’t know, but you know, for a while there you couldn’t have a headphone on. Yeah. You know, we would we did that at first so that I could hear if they were talking to you or whatever. Then you kind of graduated to the point of you can wear a headphone and do you think that was good, that progression? Because there have been instances through the years where somebody you’ve been playing with has just been horrible to you.
SPEAKER_05 13:57
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 13:58
So can you speak into that as far as parents? Like how dangerous it would be to let a third grade boy have a headset on and talking to somebody who they do not know in real life, how dangerous that could be.
SPEAKER_03 14:11
Yeah, I think that progression was really good. I think obviously for me, I started gaming like pretty early. So it’s kind of helpful. Like, obviously, I think if your kids in like eighth grade, you shouldn’t start with like no headset. Like, I think it depends on the age. But I definitely agree. Like, not talking to strangers was uh really important. And like now, like it’s to the point where like I’ll talk to strangers, but like a lot of the times I just don’t even want to because like that’s just not fun. Like, there are some people that I’d like uh played played Xbox with or whatever, and they were like they’re like pretty cool and they were good at the game, so I I added them, and uh maybe I’ll play with them every so often. But even like those people who I’d consider like I guess like online like online friends, I don’t really tell them like even like what state I live in or like where I go to school, or even a lot of times like what sports I play or how old I am, just because that information just like isn’t really needed a lot of the time. So I think that’s kind of where I’m at on that.
SPEAKER_06 15:12
Have you ever had a situation where you’ve had to block somebody because they’re asking a weird question or they give you a weird vibe or they cuss you out or whatever?
SPEAKER_03 15:21
Yeah, a lot of the time. I got like just from playing games, I’ve got a lot of messages like I hope you die, or whatever, or like um just stuff like that. And a lot of the times I don’t block them because a lot of the times, like realistically, like especially in like games, like you’ll play them once and then you won’t ever see them again. So I just don’t go to the extra work of blocking them. But there have been some people that like um that have just been like uh consistently like messaging me or consistently like wanting to play with me, and I it gets to the point where I just like block them.
SPEAKER_06 15:53
This is I think extremely important parents because a lot of times we miss the steps or the progression with gaming, and we’re just like they game or they don’t game.
SPEAKER_05 16:02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 16:03
And they can game when they first start, they should be gaming if they do have a headset on. It should only be people they know in real life that they go to school with, that you know, you know, cousins, best friends, people from their basketball team, stuff like that. And that’s the majority of time that even now that you play with because it’s more fun being able to talk to your friends while you’re gaming. I wanted to hone in on that gaming thing because you’ve been more of a gamer, obviously, than your sister. You know, she was more into social media, you were more into the gaming aspect. And I’ll tell you, when you were little, I mean, I was worried about the gaming stuff. Uh you remember when you would get so mad. I mean, you still get mad.
SPEAKER_03 16:45
Yeah, it’s just because I’m passionate.
SPEAKER_06 16:47
You’re passionate. You have learned, though, to walk when to walk away. You know what I have loved watching him, he knows when he gets too angry, he’s like, it’s just not worth it. I’m shutting it off and I’m gonna go watch YouTube or go watch a movie or something. So that’s just been a learned thing. But but what I what I do think is really cool is a lot of times it’s you and your buddies from your team or church getting on, and it’s really like a hangout. You guys are talking and you know, playing basketball at the same time.
SPEAKER_03 17:19
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 17:19
So it can be good.
SPEAKER_03 17:21
Yeah, definitely.
SPEAKER_06 17:22
But there are dangers.
SPEAKER_03 17:23
Yeah, for sure. Definitely everything, definitely dangers.
SPEAKER_06 17:27
Okay, so another question I have for you.
Sexual Content And Locker Room Culture
SPEAKER_06 17:30
Um the sexual, the sexualization of the world. And I’m talking like pornography, sexual jokes, nudes, sextortion, you know, Walker’s story that we’ve talked in depth about, just the sexualization of everything. Can you speak into that for parents? Just how that is affecting boys or how much boys get exposed to stuff like that.
SPEAKER_03 17:56
Yeah. I mean, I think boys definitely get exposed to it, probably more than girls. It’s just like with the locker room and stuff like that, like specifically, because I know like a lot of time, like guys, especially like on Teams, like so close of a bond that they’ll like mess around in the locker room and just do stuff like that. So I think it definitely affects like boys a lot, and just like the stuff they like that just like the random stuff sometimes that pops up on social media or like YouTube that just like it comes kind of comes out of nowhere.
SPEAKER_06 18:27
Okay, when you say locker rooms and the boys messing around and stuff, are you saying like what they’re talking about? Um what they’re you know, they’re uh undressing in front of each other, and then they’re they’re seeing all this stuff on a screen. Like, what are you meaning when you say that?
SPEAKER_03 18:45
I mean, I think really like all of it. They just like joke around, like uh talking about that stuff. They just like undress like in front of each other, or they’re even like mess around when they’re undress. Yeah. Like hit some like shower slides.
SPEAKER_06 18:56
What is it? What are you talking about, shower slides?
SPEAKER_03 18:58
It’s where you like where you have like the big open showers, like not the individual curtains. Yeah. And you like put soap on the ground and just slide across the shower.
SPEAKER_06 19:06
What?
SPEAKER_03 19:07
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 19:07
This is an actual thing.
SPEAKER_03 19:09
Yeah. And you’ll like just like they’ll like it’s like bowling. You like trying to like take people out. You what? Bowling. It’s like you like slide into people and like trying to like take them out.
SPEAKER_06 19:16
So this is a thing.
SPEAKER_03 19:17
Like while they’re showering, yeah.
SPEAKER_06 19:19
Oh my gosh. I I didn’t even know this was happening.
SPEAKER_03 19:22
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 19:22
So it’s just like no boundaries, is what I’m hearing.
SPEAKER_03 19:25
Because it’s like such, it’s like a like a brotherhood thing, especially when you’re on a team.
SPEAKER_06 19:29
Yeah. And and that’s always been the case. The brotherhood of the team. But I think what has changed over the years is now kids are watching all this sexualized content online.
SPEAKER_05 19:41
Yeah, definitely.
SPEAKER_06 19:42
So now the boundaries are even really blurred.
SPEAKER_05 19:47
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 19:47
With touching, with just recording each other, all kinds of stuff happening, right?
SPEAKER_03 19:52
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 19:53
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 19:54
But I think also at the same time, like, like not everyone’s like that. Yeah. Like I know for me, I definitely found like a group of guys, like, we’re like, yeah, that’s too far. We’re not gonna mess around like that.
SPEAKER_06 20:03
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 20:04
So there’s like there’s still people, like just because you’re on a team doesn’t mean you’re doing that.
SPEAKER_06 20:08
And and also you’re public school. So this is like not happening in every public school. You’re saying, hey, I was in a locker room, we were girl, we were fine, this kind of thing.
SPEAKER_05 20:17
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 20:18
But you’ve heard the talk and you’ve heard the chatter, and you you see behind the scenes a little bit from people. So I parents, this is a like a red flag because I think a lot of times we think our kids sports are good for our kids, which they are for teamwork, for discipline. There’s so many life lessons in sports. But we have to realize that these kids are seeing so many things on their phones and then they’re undressing in front of each other, and it is cre it is creating a situation sometimes.
SPEAKER_05 20:52
Yeah, definitely.
SPEAKER_06 20:53
I think that’s a warning for all of us. Here’s a question for you. This was a this was a good one.
SPEAKER_05 20:58
Okay.
SPEAKER_06 20:59
Why would
Why Kids Ask ChatGPT Instead
SPEAKER_06 21:00
kids ask Chat GPT or Google instead of their mom or dad? Why?
SPEAKER_03 21:06
I think a lot of times it comes down to two things. One is that um they’re like afraid of how their parents will answer, like they’re afraid if their parents would like lash out at them or they wouldn’t welcome the question, and then two that they think it can just be like awkward.
SPEAKER_06 21:22
Can you think of a time when and you don’t have to share the specific example because that’s personal, but can you think of a specific time where it would have been easier to ask chat something, but you came to dat or eye?
SPEAKER_05 21:36
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 21:37
And how did we s respond that was good or bad?
SPEAKER_03 21:41
Yeah, I mean, I could definitely think of a couple, and I know that like you guys definitely responded really well because you didn’t like you didn’t even like laugh when it was kind of like silly, but it was like something that you guys like actually like uh cared about and you’re like very like soft and weren’t you weren’t like, Oh, that’s ridiculous or whatever.
unknown 21:59
Okay.
SPEAKER_06 22:00
That’s a that’s a word, I think, because sometimes kids are asking awkward things because they’re getting exposed to awkward things.
SPEAKER_05 22:07
Yeah, definitely.
SPEAKER_06 22:08
And a lot of times parents even feel weird about it, and so they’ll laugh.
SPEAKER_03 22:12
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 22:12
And that makes a kid feel really silly.
SPEAKER_03 22:15
Yeah. And I know one thing that helped for me when I have when I do have those conversations with you guys is a lot of the times I’ll just like lay on your guys’ bed and like face the other way.
SPEAKER_06 22:24
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 22:24
Just like a simple tool.
SPEAKER_06 22:25
Yeah, yeah. Or call us.
SPEAKER_03 22:27
Yeah, calling is good too.
SPEAKER_06 22:29
So sometimes calling from the car is a whole thing because then you don’t have to, there’s no facial, you know, we can just have a conversation.
SPEAKER_05 22:36
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 22:37
You don’t have to worry. Um, it’s we’ve had a lot of like you coming in our room late at night, like just laying there talking to us about stuff that was on your mind.
SPEAKER_05 22:47
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 22:48
Yeah. I feel like you have been a really good kid as far as tell being able to tell us what’s bothering you.
SPEAKER_05 23:00
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 23:00
Not always right away. Sometimes you would be processing it, and then you would be like, I need help with this kind of thing.
SPEAKER_03 23:07
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 23:08
What do you think that dad and I did so that you felt safe doing that?
SPEAKER_03 23:13
Yeah, I mean, I think there were a couple things. I think first off, you guys like um you didn’t get mad when I said something crazy. Like you didn’t, you didn’t like flip out or anything. Um and you like another thing you did was like you were, like I said earlier, like really soft and you really like listened to what I was saying. You weren’t like focused on like how can we fix the problem, but it was more so like how can we love him?
SPEAKER_06 23:37
Yeah, you know, I think that’s one thing we’ve learned through the years is so many parents want, you know, they want porn to go away. They want sexualization to go away, they want gambling to go away. But like we don’t have that control. Like, I can’t just snap or be an advocate and make porn go away for kids. Like, I cannot do that. So I had to shift my thinking to how can I foster this so that when you see it, when you hear it, when you’re exposed to it, I can steward and help you process and make choices about it because you’re gonna have to make choices about all of these things.
SPEAKER_05 24:15
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_06 24:16
Right? We had a few clauses growing up. Um, one that comes to mind in this conversation is protect your heart and mind. And I know that that we’ve said that so many times, but do you think that was good? Do you think that kind of helped you realize you have a choice to make and what you allow in your brain?
SPEAKER_03 24:37
Yeah, absolutely. I I still think it to like to this day.
SPEAKER_06 24:40
Really?
SPEAKER_03 24:40
Yeah, but I like see it, I like feel it like in the back of my mind, like just always growing up and I like think of think about a decision. Yeah. Like even if it’s like if I’m like scrolling on reels or something, I and I see this. I have like one of my friends told me a stat the other day that like when you when your brain thinks of something, like uh from psychology, like this isn’t like a biblical stat.
SPEAKER_04 25:01
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 25:02
But like when you think of something, you have three seconds like to decide in your brain, like if you’re gonna keep thinking about it or if you’re gonna move on from it. And so, like in those three three seconds, when I first have a thought or I see something on Instagram, I try and think like, is this protecting my heart and mind? And is this good for me? And if either one of those are no, then I just like try and move on.
SPEAKER_06 25:22
Okay, that’s really good. That’s solid advice for any young girl or boy on Instagram, gaming,
Music As A Quiet Spiritual Threat
SPEAKER_06 25:30
whatever.
SPEAKER_05 25:30
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 25:31
Yeah. Um, what do you think is the biggest threat facing kids today? Like pulling them into sin.
SPEAKER_03 25:38
Yeah, I think the biggest want is probably music.
SPEAKER_06 25:43
Wow, really?
SPEAKER_03 25:44
Yeah, I’ve actually thought about this for a couple of years.
SPEAKER_06 25:46
This is wild. After everything we’ve talked about here, that’s what you think.
SPEAKER_03 25:50
I think music is just because music kind of leads to everything. Because, like, if you think about it in music, like all like the catchy songs, all the popular artists, not all, a lot of the popular artists, a lot of the catchy songs are a lot of like either they have like a good rhythm, but a lot of them either have like a lot of cuss words, or they’re like painting a if they like e some of them don’t even cuss, but they still like paint a picture, yeah, of something that could be like lustful or inappropriate, and just that like that thought in your mind, like when they say it, you don’t really like real like you don’t realize it immediately. Like you may not feel it immediately, but it’s like taking like root in your mind, and you could like feel the effects of it days later.
SPEAKER_06 26:31
It is, I mean, I don’t want to get all religious y, but that is like Satan pulling kids’ brain into sin.
SPEAKER_03 26:37
Yeah, one of my friends was actually talking about this to me when we played basketball. Because like in the weight room, obviously, you know, we were trying to get hype. So we the like our coach wasn’t playing explicit music, he was actually playing clean music, but like of the explicit songs, but like obviously there’s still gonna be some cuss words in there, like slip in. And he like told me like a couple days later, he was like, I hate that we have to listen to that in the morning because it just like it causes me to sin. Like it, like subconsciously, I can’t do anything about it. Like, it just makes me think about it.
SPEAKER_06 27:04
It’s awesome though that he was thinking about that. Like, I don’t want to listen to that music anymore. Yeah, and that he felt safe telling you, like that you guys had that kind of brotherhood on your team that you could talk about these things. Yeah, but y’all did a Bible study together. I mean, you guys were really trying to grow in your relationship with Jesus in your team. Yeah, so that was a that was a great place for you. I think that’s a word for us parents with the music because I would not have thought that.
SPEAKER_05 27:33
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 27:34
When I say the biggest threat facing kids today, I mean with my next top brain, I’m going to, you know, sexual abuse and pornography and like these horrible, horrible things. But you’re right, this is like an easy way to that it goes into everything.
SPEAKER_03 27:51
And it’s just like it’s like music is like it’s like a stepping stone. Like a lot of the uh like what you mentioned, like the for example, like sex tortion, it like starts with like sending nudes, and even that, like if you trace it all the way back to the beginning, that like first like cause of that could be is just like lust, and that is just something that music is like can like slip in super easily. Wow, and it’s everywhere, like even like when you scroll, when you watch YouTube, and like you’ll like like I feel like personally, uh like a lot of the time when people listen like very exclusive music, usually not always, those are the type of people that like make very like crude jokes or like cuss a lot.
SPEAKER_06 28:31
That’s so interesting that you I mean we’ve done a show before on our listening to your kid’s music, but I just never realized the real impact of it that you’re saying.
SPEAKER_05 28:42
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 28:43
And I I think we need to take note, parents. That’s it’s a word. No. Um what would you do you have any advice for a parent that their kid is listening to really bad stuff?
SPEAKER_05 28:55
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 28:57
What would you say to talk to them about it? Because because you’ve told me before, it’s not great, especially if they’re older, yeah, to come in with just like, don’t do that.
SPEAKER_05 29:07
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 29:08
That’s stuff we tried to avoid. That’s a that’s how we tried to avoid things.
SPEAKER_03 29:12
Yeah. I mean, I’ll kind of speak like personally, because I’m not a parent, but I know like what what really like clicked for me was like finding a community of Christians. And then because like I’ve been a Christian my whole life, and I’ve definitely listened to a lot of explicit music. But like, uh like when I really like grew my faith, and like there’s scriptures about like protecting your heart and mind and like saying them, kind of be like, hey, you probably shouldn’t be like listening to that. And like as I just grew my faith naturally, I kind of realized like, hey, I I probably don’t want to listen to that. And like naturally, it kind of just became like uninteresting to me.
SPEAKER_04 29:48
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 29:48
So I think if I had to, if I was a parent and my kid was listening to really bad music, I think I’d try and tell them, not tell them, but maybe like encourage them, like, hey, um, like I know you probably really like that song or whatever, it’s probably really catchy, but like, um do you think it’s like really worth like the amount of like stumbling it may cause you to feel like be enjoyed by that song for like two and a half or three minutes?
SPEAKER_06 30:15
Yeah. I think most kids that aren’t walking with Jesus may be like, Mom, it’s not that deep.
SPEAKER_03 30:21
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 30:21
You’ve said that to me about other things.
SPEAKER_03 30:23
I probably said that to you about music too, actually. Well, I don’t know.
SPEAKER_06 30:27
I don’t know. But but but how would you say a parent responds if they say it’s not that too deep, it’s it’s not that deep, mom? Do you have do you have any suggestions there on how a parent could respond to that?
SPEAKER_03 30:41
I mean, I think if I was a parent, I’d probably be I’d probably say something along the the lines of yeah, I understand what you’re saying, but also like all sins start somewhere. Like you don’t just start with like uh like sexually abusing someone. Yeah. Like that’s never there’s always like a deeper cause. And it has to start somewhere, and usually if something like something like that, not just sin, but like everything starts in small amounts and grows, so it has to start somewhere.
SPEAKER_06 31:10
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 31:10
So that’s what I would say.
SPEAKER_06 31:11
So you have to have your guard up.
SPEAKER_03 31:13
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_06 31:14
You have to have your guard up. Um, one of the things we were talking about was do you think the world tells boys in particular?
Teaching Boys Strength With Feelings
SPEAKER_06 31:26
Um like you have to be strong, you can’t have feelings.
SPEAKER_05 31:31
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 31:32
I want you to speak into that. And and I want you to talk about it from a worldly standpoint, but for but also from a Christian standpoint. What you’ve seen in the church and amongst your Bible studies. What is the difference?
SPEAKER_03 31:45
Yeah, I mean, I think from the worldly standpoint, it appears as though like if you like show feelings or you like cry, you’re like less masculine. Yeah. Or you’re like almost like powerless. Or like um like you can’t what’s the word I’m looking for? You can’t be like a a leader if you show feelings. But I think in reality, that’s the worldly standpoint. But like in reality, like especially from like working at my the internship this summer, I feel like the the men that were most vulnerable and like the most willing to show emotion had the biggest impact on me. Because when you show emotion, it like shows how much you care. Kind of like when we were saying earlier how I would get mad when I gamed, it was because I was like passionate about that thing. And it’s like kind of a stupid analogy, but it’s like the same way when they like when they um were when they were like said something with like care or they said something with like worry, it I didn’t it I didn’t see them as like weaker, but it just showed that they like cared for me. And like in the Bible it says like Jesus wept, and so that just shows like he cares for us too. Like he cared for um like Mary and Martha in that situation when he wept. So it’s like it’s just that like the same idea that just like showing emotion, like shows care and love.
SPEAKER_06 33:02
When Lazarus died, yeah. With your feelings, you know, you’re saying the world kind of tells you. Um the world says you can’t show feelings as a man and be a strong leader. That’s what the world says. Yeah, and you’ve seen that opposite in the Christian world and in the church, yeah. So that’s awesome. But I guess my question to you is what did dad and I do to help you? Because I feel like you’re a strong man, you’re becoming a strong man, but I also feel like you’re sensitive and you will be you listen and you will share your feelings if you need to.
SPEAKER_05 33:39
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 33:40
So how did dad and I strike that balance? Because I do think behind the scenes stuff that you didn’t see, I do think dad, you know, grew up in a generation where he was like, Mandy, don’t make him all emotional. Like, but I really did not want to raise a son that felt like he had to be strong and couldn’t have those emotions too. Yeah. And so yeah, I felt like it was a balance trying to figure that out. Um, is there any particular thing that you that you can remember that dad and I did or that helped in this situation?
SPEAKER_03 34:14
Yeah, I mean, definitely. I think you guys did a really good job of like um like asking me if I was okay, but not like forcing me to say anything. And also just like being like I said a lot, like being really like welcoming and soft when I did open up and like showing like actual care. Like if I’m telling you guys like my something’s wrong, you guys aren’t like on your phone and watching YouTube or whatever.
SPEAKER_06 34:36
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 34:37
Like you’re actually like listening and caring.
SPEAKER_06 34:39
Yeah. Well, and I think the big one you said earlier was not to laugh.
SPEAKER_03 34:43
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 34:44
Especially when you were younger, right? When you would bring a lot of stuff to us, because we were just trying to get you to talk to us, and you would you would bring us stuff like on video games, and it wasn’t pornography, but you know, we had that threshold of like anybody in a swimsuit or less, just because when you were younger, I didn’t want to say the word porn, but I wanted you to be aware of stuff. And I remember you bringing me games on the iPad, the family iPad of like just biker chicks, you know, or like I don’t know, some like fighting games that you used to play, you know, and and you would show me, you’d be like, mom, mom, and and I would just want to laugh so much because you know, it wasn’t porn, but you were telling me. Yeah, but I I would always say thank you so much for telling me because I thought, man, look at his heart. He just wants to tell me that.
SPEAKER_05 35:33
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 35:33
And I, if I laugh it off, he’ll stop talking to me.
SPEAKER_05 35:36
Yeah, definitely.
SPEAKER_06 35:37
So even if it’s something silly, thank you so much for telling me. I think that’s very, very important that at every age.
SPEAKER_05 35:44
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 35:45
Really. Um, okay, so anything else that you want to say to moms or dads, because that’s most of our audience here.
SPEAKER_05 35:54
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 35:54
Anything else that you would want to say to them if they’re at home and they’re panicked and they’re like, man, I just want my kid to be okay and love Jesus and be on a good path. I mean, not perfect, they’ll make mistakes, but be on a good path. What would you
Building Faith Community Without Forcing
SPEAKER_06 36:10
what would you say to them?
SPEAKER_03 36:11
I mean, I think I’d say for sure, like, I mean, it’s kind of just like the main topics, just like build like a genuine, like loving relationship rather than like a and like rather than like a because I said so relationship. Like, I think one of the biggest things for me growing up is that I wasn’t really like demanded to do anything. Like, of course, there would be times where they’re like, Can you like do your chores or like you’re in trouble, like discipline, but that was needed. But like a lot of the times, like, um, if there was something that I was like doing or something like maybe I should do, maybe I shouldn’t, my parents were very good about saying, like, uh maybe you should do this, but they weren’t what they wouldn’t tell me for sure. Cause when they like naturally, as kids, when your parents like tell you something, you just want to do the opposite because you want to be like you want to be seen as like smarter than them. Because kids we think we’re smarter than our parents. So I think just like not demanding your kids, like don’t don’t look at yourself as like you’re the parents, your kids, but like look at it like like look at it like you’re a son and daughter of God, and they are also a son and daughter of God. Like one thing that stuck out to me recently was like God doesn’t have great grandchild grandchildren, God only has sons and daughters. So, like the only difference between you and your kid are that you’ve just lived longer, and that like you may be more wise.
SPEAKER_06 37:34
That’s really good, son. I I really like that point. How important was it for you growing up that a normal rhythm of our family was just going to church?
SPEAKER_03 37:46
I think that was super important because it was it kind of got me in a church environment, and like as a kid, like there are definitely times I didn’t want to go. Like, I’m not gonna lie and be like, Oh, I always want to go to church. Yeah, there are definitely times I didn’t want to go, and there were probably times you guys didn’t want to go, because it is just a lot sometimes, but I think it was definitely super important because it just like it even when I was like little and I didn’t really know what I was learning or like what was going on, just like seeing people like worship or like hearing people like just like the word of God, like over and over and over. I like never like had like I never didn’t know that God was there. Like I like I knew he was always with me.
SPEAKER_06 38:29
I also think that when when we sensed you didn’t want to go anymore, we really tried to pour into you to hey, you don’t have to go to the church we go to, but you gotta find a youth group or you gotta find something of a great group of kids.
SPEAKER_05 38:42
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 38:43
And you and you did. You and your sister even went to a different youth group than originally where we were going to church.
SPEAKER_05 38:49
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 38:50
Because it was smaller and you guys just wanted a smaller youth group.
SPEAKER_05 38:53
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 38:54
And um, and I think that’s really important. I think a lot of parents get caught up in this is where we go to church, you’re going here. And the kid needs to find their own faith community. And then the parents can follow the kids, the parents can get to know that faith community. But I think that was really important for the development of your faith.
SPEAKER_03 39:12
Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_06 39:13
Yeah. Okay.
College Send-Off And Next Talk Support
SPEAKER_06 39:15
Well, I just have a couple personal questions. What are you looking forward to at college?
SPEAKER_03 39:19
Um, I’m looking forward to playing basketball in the rec. That’s probably one of the biggest things. And just like learning in general.
SPEAKER_06 39:25
So, just for some context there, he was on a varsity basketball team, so lots of discipline. And now he’s planning to do a lot of intramurals.
SPEAKER_03 39:34
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 39:35
Like really just play for fun.
SPEAKER_03 39:37
Yeah, I just got new shoes.
SPEAKER_06 39:39
He’s really excited about it. Yes. Yeah. Um, when am I gonna see you again, son?
SPEAKER_03 39:46
Um, let me think.
SPEAKER_06 39:48
November, Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_03 39:49
I’ll be here before that and I’ll call.
SPEAKER_06 39:51
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 39:51
Okay, but let’s if you get a pet raccoon, I’ll be here more often.
SPEAKER_06 39:55
This is that conversation literally happening in reels being shared on our family Instagram DM. Is that everybody wants a pet raccoon? And I am the one saying no. And Carter is saying, if you get one, I’ll come home more. And so my husband, my husband is like, we gotta get one now. We gotta get him home. Okay, well, call me every now and then, text me every now and then.
SPEAKER_03 40:23
Oh, FaceTime you to see the raccoon.
SPEAKER_06 40:26
Okay, that’s it. We’re getting one. No, no, we’re not getting one. But I hope, I hope you have an awesome time at college. And I know God is gonna bring people into your lives, into your life that is gonna begin to you, and I’m just I’m praying that over you. Um, but don’t lose your way because you’re on a great track. And even though you’re going to a Christian college, there could be crazy professors, there could be people that get you off track, so you gotta have your guard up.
SPEAKER_03 40:59
So definitely.
SPEAKER_06 41:00
Yeah. Okay. Love ya. Thanks for being here.
SPEAKER_03 41:03
Yeah, thanks for having me.
SPEAKER_00 41:05
Next talk is a 501c3 nonprofit. Everything we do to serve families is supported by people like you. Make a donation today at nexttalk.org. Next talk resources are not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat, or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological, legal, financial, or other problem. You are advised to consult a qualified expert for your personal treatment plan.
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nextTalk started in a church with a group of parents who were overwhelmed that their young children were being exposed to sexualized content. Today, we’re a nonprofit organization in the state of Texas and an approved 501(C)(3) entity by the Internal Revenue Service.
