0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630,. The word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a non-profit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:33 – Speaker 2
You know, the last couple of weeks we’ve talked about marriage. We even had our spouses on a show.
0:00:38 – Speaker 1
That was fun, that was really fun, kind of crazy A little. A little honesty there, brutal honesty.
0:00:45 – Speaker 2
And then we dove into this, talking to your kids about sex. You know God’s design for sex and what that conversation looks like and we gave you some personal stories of how this is transpired in our own homes. And then we moved into sexuality. We talked on the last show and you know, once you’ve covered that God’s design for sex, then you’re going to get other questions what about this type of sexuality?
0:01:07 – Speaker 1
What about that they start seeing things at such a young age now and that equates and connects to the sex conversation, and so you kind of have to be ready for the phase two. The sex question comes first and that conversation and then they start putting things together and then they see these things or, you know, hear about things and the questions get more difficult. So you need to be prepared before they ask or ask proactively. Like we said, start the conversation.
0:01:32 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know, recently my, my 10 year old, was playing an app and it was for nine plus. It was like a bunny app.
0:01:38 – Speaker 1
Yes, you know, like feeding the bunnies.
0:01:40 – Speaker 2
Yes, very simple. The problem is an ad popped up and when an ad pops up in an app, the ad doesn’t have to stay true to those age guidelines, correct? So the app was for nine plus, the ad was for 12 plus and it showed two men in bed together with a lady standing over over them and it said he’s cheating on me, what should I do? And choice one was running away crying.
Choice two was join them or a threesome Crazy and so that’s just one example of you know these questions that is going to come up and your kids are going to say what does this mean? And we have to be prepared for it. And that’s what we really want to do for you here is create this conversation, give you some ideas on what these conversations look like. Your conversations may look different than ours, but we just want you to feel comfortable, that you know it’s okay to tackle these subjects. We have to tackle these subjects.
0:02:32 – Speaker 1
We do because, as we always say, if you don’t, the world will, and we also say your family, your choice. You know we’re here to present some ideas from a biblical perspective about truth and then the ways that we’ve handled it in our families and also all the different families that we interact with at our different events and things, and so we want to present that to you to get your mind thinking and get you to prepare that this is something you need to do.
0:02:55 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I’ve even said to parents even if your conversations are completely different than my conversations, you know, with my beliefs instead of, I still want you talking to your kids because I don’t want them googling this stuff.
0:03:04 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, and you know that they will. Let’s throw in a tech tip right there about what you said about the apps, because we get a lot of questions about that. Again, if you haven’t been on our website or on our Facebook page, please do so, because it’s a great place to ask these questions and find answers. But if your child is playing an app or in a game that is rated, whatever age that does, that rating does not apply to the ads. The only way to turn that off are there’s some programs where you pay to have ads blocked. But if you’re not paying to have the ads blocked, any ad can pop up on a child’s game. So again, that’s why you need to prepare them.
0:03:40 – Speaker 2
And the computer restrictions, the phone restrictions can be set. That’s not going to catch it because it’s within an app, correct. So that’s another thing. You know, the restrictions only catch, like Safari, google searches, that kind of thing, but this is within an app, so your restrictions aren’t going to catch it. The other thing is if this happens to you and your kid shows you, praise him or her, you know, don’t go ballistic. I wanted to go ballistic but my first response needed to be to my kid I’m so proud of you for telling me yes. And then I screen shot at it and then I sent it out on our social media. So if this happens to you and your child, screenshot it for us, send it to us. We’ll give a warning out on our shout out on our social media, just to make parents more aware.
0:04:18 – Speaker 1
Make sure you equip kids with the knowledge of how to handle what they see. We talk about that all the time, so when they see something like that, they know exactly what to do and how to do it. Yeah.
0:04:28 – Speaker 2
So sexuality was a hard one. That’s a difficult subject to talk about, and we talked a lot about the balance of love and truth. We also bought something up in those shows that we really didn’t have time to cover, but we wanted to touch on it briefly Because it is yet another conversation that is so difficult.
0:04:45 – Speaker 1
It is. It’s a hard one to approach, it’s a hard one to think about and it can be really awkward.
0:04:53 – Speaker 2
Yeah, it really can. Are you wondering what it is? Yeah, is everybody wondering what this topic is today?
0:05:00 – Speaker 1
0:05:00 – Speaker 2
No, I’m just kidding.
0:05:02 – Speaker 1
How many can I eat? No masturbation. Masturbation is a tough one. They talk about it sometimes in the church. Yeah, Sometimes it will never be spoken within the walls.
0:05:12 – Speaker 2
Well, and here’s the thing on this subject. You know, with sexuality I feel like that’s very black and white. We have biblical verses to go to and very clear on what the Bible says about marriage and God’s design for that. Masturbation is one that you know. There’s not a specific verse to it. Now there’s Bible verses that talk about sexual desires and sexual purity and that sort of thing, and so I think those tie in there. But we see a lot of different Christian people. A lot of people have different views on this on how to handle it.
0:05:44 – Speaker 1
Yeah, absolutely. This is one of those things. You can take a lot of different routes. The deal is, this is a personal decision between you and your spouse, but the key is you have to have the conversation.
0:05:56 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and so we just kind of wanted to give you some conversation starter ideas, kind of some research that we’ve been doing in this area. In my book I approached this and I say you know what? We have four choices here, four responses to masturbation. We can say it’s natural, do it and that’s it. We don’t have any other conversation about it. We can say it’s wrong, don’t do it. You know, we can approach it in. The third option is kind of that balance approach that we took with sexuality of the love and truth. But this balance approach is you know, this shouldn’t become a habit but it may sometimes happen. And then that fourth option is we can stay silent and let kids Google it and figure it out for themselves. No-transcript. Okay, we’re just going to scratch that off the list. Everyone.
0:06:41 – Speaker 1
We’ve come along on our podcast.
0:06:43 – Speaker 2
You know the importance of just silence is not an option anymore because our kids will Google stuff and we sure will. We can’t have that happening.
0:06:50 – Speaker 1
And I know, especially with boys, they’ll joke about it with their friends to see, to kind of feel you know what their friends might be thinking or what they’ve heard, what they know? Like haha, and that’s where they’ll get their information and then they will categorize that information as truth.
0:07:03 – Speaker 2
Yeah, we don’t want our kids asking their friends about any of these topics and then that become their truth or their foundational truth. So this is why these conversations are so important. You know, when I was writing my book, I love how Dana Grash approaches this in her book. She says sex is not a solo sport. Yeah, and I like that because, you know, we point out it. We point out scripture in our last podcast about first Corinthians, 7, 2 and 3.
Basically, you know, because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. This is mutual. This is about mutual pleasure in a marriage. This isn’t about one partner getting you know what they want and the other one just being the servant or whatever. This is God’s design says. This is about mutual pleasure. And I love having these conversations with our kids when the topic of masturbation comes up, to introduce them to them at a young age. Yeah, you know to say, you know it may not be wrong, but it could be selfish, yes, and so if you do this often, you could, it could all be about you, and then when you get married, it’s not about pleasing your you know, if I’m talking to my son pleasing your wife, it may not be about that, and so starting these early conversations about this, I think, could make a big difference.
0:08:32 – Speaker 1
Absolutely Age-appropriate. Early conversations are so key because they make the older conversations so much easier. Yeah, because they’ve. You’ve already said that foundation that this is okay to talk about, this is okay to ask questions about, this one in particular. I love how you say that, mandy, about it being selfish, because introducing that idea to our kids that sex is a beautiful mutual gift within marriage and if you are fulfilling that sexual desire on your own, you know if you, if you’ve got your cake over here, you’re not going to go looking for cake.
0:09:04 – Speaker 2
You’re not going to go serve your spouse and allow that mutual pleasure.
0:09:09 – Speaker 1
That is what God intended Exactly and you know if you’re fulfilling it there, you will not be looking for it where it’s supposed to be and it won’t. Be that anticipation, I think, is an important part of that, and that desire for your spouse and letting that build is a natural thing and that’s how the two come together and have this beautiful relationship. If you’re fulfilling that and that anticipation lessens because you are pleasing yourself repeatedly, then it’s hard to find that mutual respect and desire when it’s supposed to happen.
0:09:39 – Speaker 2
Well, and also, you know, with the masturbation conversation also comes conversations like this Well, what are you thinking about when you’re doing that? So you know talking to your kids about pornography and looking at the wrong images and you know I mean I’m gearing this more towards, you know, gearing this more towards boys, but you know, with boys treating women as sex objects, you know looking at them for their pleasure. All of these conversations are important to have and they can start really early and just get more detailed as your kids get older, but it’s important to talk about it, I think so much. It’s so uncomfortable and it’s such a personal thing and these I just want to challenge you when, when you’re feeling really awkward about a conversation, that’s probably when you need to have the conversation Exactly, and it’s that tugging where you’re like I don’t want to have this conversation.
I was like that the first couple sex talks with my kids. Well, sure, and now it’s so much fun like to talk to them. I mean, it’s just like normal routine now, but those first conversations were very difficult. But I look at how far God has brought us and how he’s created this, literally this culture of conversation in our home, where no topic is off limits and they love it, like my kids love it, yeah, and I don’t have fear about what they’re gonna see here or what their friends are gonna show them, because I know they’re gonna come home and Ask me it’s amazing and that’s really what we’re trying to create.
0:11:00 – Speaker 1
Yeah, each of us within our families. If you have older kids, don’t feel like it’s too late. That’s something we always try to share, because it is never too late to start the conversation. It may be harder, it may be more awkward, but don’t give up and don’t back out, because of that. Yeah, the other thing with masturbation. I think it’s kind of great to start this conversation Before you have kids. Most of you are not in that boat, so if you, haven’t had this conversation with your spouse.
Yeah, please start there. Yeah, please start there. Yes, it will be awkward if you’ve been in a marriage for a long time, or even a few weeks. If this hasn’t happened in your home, you need to see. How do you feel about this. This is how I feel about it. You need to start talking about it so you can understand before you introduce it to your kids.
0:11:45 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you know, set up with your, with your husband and the wife, you know, set up your guidelines for this. I mean, you know, as far as is it okay? Is it the? Is it okay? You know, one partner may travel a lot and so there may be some issues. I mean, you never know. I mean there’s. These are practical things, but what happens is we avoid conversations in our marriages because they’re weird, they’re awkward, and then we don’t want to talk about it with our kids. Remember John 1010 Satan comes to still kill and destroy. We cannot Be scared into silence. We cannot. We’ve got to have these conversations.
0:12:22 – Speaker 1
You certainly don’t want to have this conversation with your child and then they go talk to your spouse, who gives a different.
0:12:29 – Speaker 2
0:12:30 – Speaker 1
Yeah, so you want to be on the same page with your spouse. You know, one of the things we talked about in our marriage show is pray for the space, timing, tone, transparency and understanding. Yeah, those are the things you want to pray for when you’re getting ready to talk to your spouse, because they may say something you’re not ready to hear. Yeah, they may. You may be thinking all this time You’re on the same page and if you haven’t talked about it, guess what, sister? You may be surprised, you may be embarrassed, you may be angry. Yeah, so you need to prepare your heart for all of that before you go into the conversation.
0:13:01 – Speaker 2
Well, and we’re looking for the kind of communication in a marriage where you can go to your spouse and say I need to be fulfilled more sexually. I need this, like I’m not getting. What I need this is you can say it in a nice way. You can say it. Maybe the timing is off, Maybe you know we’re just too busy or whatever, but I need this. Yeah, like this is important to me. This is a conversation that we should be able to have with our spouse and it can, like we say it looks different for everyone.
0:13:26 – Speaker 1
You know, as far as the masturbation conversation goes and what y’all decide your family, your choice, some families and some marriages we’ve talked to you. They believe that it’s okay under certain guidelines if I’m sick or if you’re traveling, like Mandy said. Some are like absolutely not. It’s just not something I feel is okay.
0:13:46 – Speaker 2
Well, and what you know. One point I wanted to mention that we haven’t touched on yet, because you know we talked about kind of sex is not a solo sport. Yeah, and you know it’s. It could be selfish. It may not be masturbation may not be sinful and per se, but it could be selfish, yeah, and you know it could lead to addictive habits pornography, fantasy life, yeah, you know, whatever. So we need to be careful of all of those. On the flip side of that, because we always want to talk about the balance, we don’t want to be so shameful of our kids if they, if they masturbate that then it becomes a wall or it becomes a secret life that I have to hide from mom and dad. So there’s a balance here, because our kids are going through lots of hormone changes. Oh, yes, and things like this are somewhat natural, yes, you know. And, and wet dreams play into this Scenario as well.
Yeah, you know some of the research for my books. Some of the people say, the more wet dreams your kids have, your boys have, the less likely they have the need to masturbate. That’s a possibility, and you know I approach this in my book too. But let me just plug this in here with wet dreams. Don’t be crazy awkward if you know you’re. Your boy wakes up with wet sheets. Yeah, have a plane in place. Maybe dad can be like I got you, bro, I’m taking your sheets. Or, you know, if your son brings his sheets and says I need to put them in the washer, don’t like give him 50 questions, just let him put them in the washer.
0:15:11 – Speaker 1
0:15:12 – Speaker 2
Those kinds of things where we cannot make it so awkward Then, and mama’s.
0:15:17 – Speaker 1
I’m gonna be real here. You know I was raised by my mom. No boys in sight. Oh, this scares you because you got boys. I’ve got two boys. Yeah. So if someone didn’t tell me ahead of time what to expect and I wasn’t prepared for these conversation I would have been like what’s this? Yeah, it’s craziness. So again, educate yourself, talk, talk with your husband. That has helped me so much Like what’s normal for boys. What?
0:15:44 – Speaker 2
should I expect? I was gonna say your husband is the expert on boys.
0:15:46 – Speaker 1
He’s the expert and he has told me some things and I’m like get out, just walk out the door, Because I don’t even believe that. Like that is crazy town. And he has, you know, he’s clued me in a little bit about some of the things boys think and go through and do and talked to me about what it was like he went to an all boys Catholic school. Oh, I bet he’s got some stories.
Some stories yes, not on the air stories and so I just really had this great education from him and being open to hearing it all and it’s helped me so much with my boys, so much to know what is normal, and when I say normal, developmentally and mentally it has helped a lot. So you really do have to talk and know what to expect, to be prepared for the wet sheets and the different things.
0:16:31 – Speaker 2
Well, and we just wanted to touch on this and, like I said, this is a little bit of a gray area. You know, scripture is not completely clear, but scripture is clear about lust and sexual desires and setting things before our eyes that are not appropriate, and so all of that plays into this conversation, and we just wanted to kind of give you some ideas on what this could look like. But for the rest of the show, I think we want to talk about marriage and what this looks like, cause really, I mean, again and again, if you’re not talking about it in your marriage, you’re probably not going to talk about it with your kids, and so we want to hone in on that.
0:17:01 – Speaker 1
On the second part of our show, I think the cool thing about these kinds of conversations is that your spouse and you kind of are the practice ground before you talk to your kids.
That has helped me a lot, cause those difficult conversations are awkward ones and more of those are coming up as my kids get older. If I can kind of practice by talking about it with my spouse first and really thinking through, well, how do I feel about this, praying through it and us coming up with a strategy and a plan, then it’s almost like I’ve already got the cliff notes, I’ve already done the research, I’ve already had the conversation. So when it comes time for me to casually bring it up with my kids, I’m not so awkward about it and I know what I think and I know what I feel. So it helps a lot to prepare for that. It’s a practice ground.
0:17:44 – Speaker 2
Yep, if you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:18:06 – Speaker 1
I think one of the things that we can bring into play here a little bit is when you have this conversation with your spouse and you talk about well, what do you feel and how do you think we should approach this?
If you’ve already had it great. A benefit of that within marriage is also accountability. Yeah, yes, especially in the Christian world, we talk a lot about accountability partners and I’m gonna go to breakfast with my accountability partner and blah, blah, blah. But you’ve got one right there in your home. Yep, this is the person that can hold you most accountable and the freedom that comes with that is beautiful. It’s one of the gifts of marriage, I know. In our house being completely transparent, we talked about how even the titles on our cable, just seeing the titles, how that could be a distraction. There is no way I’m challenging you to tell me that when you don’t read a title of something that is X-rated across your screen, you’re not watching the show, you’re just going through the guide, but your mind wonders. Your mind immediately creates a vision of what you’ve just read. Yes, it doesn’t matter if you are interested or have a struggle with pornography or not.
0:19:11 – Speaker 2
And those are just words. Those are words. Imagine the images that our kids are seeing and what is so important to them.
0:19:19 – Speaker 1
So it’s funny how this conversation for us happened when we were dating, talking about what we thought about masturbation and whatnot, but as we got married and as our marriage and relationship has evolved, it’s gotten down to the details, like you know what. We need to block that Because I’m going through the thing. It was me. I told my husband, I said I see that and I’m like that’s crazy and I get an image in my mind and I don’t need to be going there. He certainly does it and my kids don’t. And so there is a setting on your cable most cable providers where you can block even the words so that they can’t see it. So accountability within a marriage flows over into your kids too, and it’s a great starting point for to kind of protect the whole family.
0:20:01 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you know. The other thing is, even when the filters don’t fall through we say this all the time it comes back to that first line of defense, because if something does slip through or the restrictions don’t catch it, the conversations have already been started, and so they will come and say this doesn’t look right to me, what does this mean? And then you can have a great conversation about it.
0:20:24 – Speaker 1
In our marriage shows what we were really trying to get to. Truly the bottom line is creating that open conversation, talking about everything, total transparency within your home.
So that’s what your kids know to be normal. Yeah, and it starts with you and your spouse, and if that’s what they’re seeing and the example that they’re seeing, then it’s going to be so much easier to introduce these conversations to them and for that to be an ongoing environment for your home and we talked a lot in those married shows about tone and timing and how to bring up some of these conversations, Because I shared on our marriage show.
0:21:04 – Speaker 2
My husband has a long commute. He has a demanding job. Normally at night is our talk time, but there are many nights when he hits the bed and he’s out. Oh yeah, Mine too. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to hear about the conversation. It means he’s absolutely exhausted and normally the next morning, once he’s up and going, he’ll call me and say let’s talk about this now, Like I’m ready to talk about it, and so don’t force a conversation when it’s not a good time. That is so important and your tone is so important as well. You know you’re not coming at. One of the things my husband and I talked about is we can’t nag I can’t nag my husband into a conversation.
0:21:42 – Speaker 1
Absolutely. I cannot nag him into a conversation.
0:21:45 – Speaker 2
We can’t nag our kids into a conversation, but if we set back and create this safe place and they know we’re not going to go crazy, they’re, we’re not going to go ballistic, that we really are an open book. Let’s talk about any and every subject sexuality, masturbation, whatever you have questions about, we can talk about in a civilized manner and I’m not going to go crazy. This beautiful thing just starts to form and it all goes back to that marriage. If we’re not doing it in our marriage, we’re not going to do it with our kids.
0:22:13 – Speaker 1
Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7,. We’re always talking about that on the go Talk with your kids in the car at bedtime. Again, that applies to your marriage so much. So the reason you know that about your husband, that he’s not mad and that he does want to talk to you, is because you were able to say you know, I feel like when you just come home and go to bed, it’s not important to you what I have to say. You were able to have that conversation. Your marriage may not look like that right now, but you can start it. You can begin that process and the more that you do it, the easier it gets and be completely transparent. This is really hard for me. I’ve said that so many times to my husband. It is so hard for me to bring this up because I feel like maybe you’re going to be upset, or I feel like maybe I’m going to be embarrassed. Is this a good time? And a lot of times they’ll say you know what? I’m not in the right mind space right now for that.
0:22:57 – Speaker 2
And respect that.
0:22:58 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and that’s one of the things that I would like to throw out there too. That we brought up on our marriage shows whether you’re talking about masturbation and how you’re going to deal with it with your kids, sex, sexuality, anything that we talk about here at nextTalk, when you’re going to have a difficult conversation with your spouse, please respect a strong request. I love that you say that, Please, Because it is so easy for us women to hear it, but have already decided we’re not going to do it Not really listen.
0:23:28 – Speaker 2
They need our spouses and our kids. They need to be heard?
0:23:33 – Speaker 1
Yes, and so if we come into a conversation already decided how it’s going to go and what is right and what is wrong, they will not only not be heard, but your answer will shut them down and they will not feel validated in what’s important to them. Very small example We’ve been talking a lot about going back to school and maybe your kid has been carpooling or maybe your kid has mentioned something about something in their lunch. I mean talking about my little one in kindergarten. He was coming home really hungry and he strongly requested something specific about his lunch and I thought he was just being silly and I know this seems like a small example, but what I want you to hear is that it was big to him, it was important to him.
0:24:23 – Speaker 2
They needed to be heard.
0:24:24 – Speaker 1
Yes, he asked me not to put something very specific in his lunch that I had bought like a billion of at Costco. And I was like, listen, I’m staying in the budget. I bought this for your lunch. It’s delicious, you will eat it. That’s what went on in my head. Instead I was like, ok, well, if that’s that important to you, let’s find something else to put in your lunch. And you know it took three months.
But later he came back and said I just want to tell you, mommy, thank you so much for taking that out of my lunch. And it wasn’t until then that he told me that the kids were saying that it was something for girls and they were embarrassing him, and I didn’t know that. He didn’t feel like telling me that at the time, but it came about later. The same will apply to the great examples, very deep and important and strategic conversations your kids will have with you about things like sexuality, the things that your husband will bring to you and say I need this, this is important to me, and if you ignore it or shut it down, done.
0:25:17 – Speaker 2
But when you hear the little thing, Kim, they test us with little things and they don’t realize they’re doing it. But when we respond and we really hear the little things, they will come to us with the bigger things.
0:25:29 – Speaker 1
We create the standard of yes, I hear you, yes, I believe what you’re saying is important.
0:25:35 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 AM, on AM 6.30, the Word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online through cyberpanting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page