0:00:02 – Speaker 1
Welcome to the nextTalk podcast, where we share real stories and practical advice for parenting the digital world.
0:00:09 – Speaker 2
We’re your hosts, Mandy and Kim. Mandy is an award-winning author and the founder of nextTalk, and I’m the director of nextTalk, a nonprofit organization created to strengthen families through open communication. You can check out all of our resources at NextTalkorg.
0:00:24 – Speaker 1
We’re your wives, moms and friends, tackling culturally relevant topics from a Christian perspective. We’re sharing what we’ve learned and where we’ve failed. We’re so glad you’re here for this conversation.
0:00:37 – Speaker 2
Boundaries. That is what we’re talking about today and I have to be honest, mandy, it’s huge. I feel like it covers and touches and relates to pretty much everything in life, so it’s a big topic.
0:00:51 – Speaker 1
Yeah, i mean, i think we could take any subject and talk about boundaries and apply it right, and we need to understand the importance of it, not only of teaching our kids how to set boundaries for themselves and modeling all of that stuff that we’re going to talk about but also respecting boundaries as well. That’s a whole other part of this conversation.
0:01:12 – Speaker 2
I was talking to my kids the other day and I was thinking about boundaries and I was like it was so important that God started with boundaries. He started the earth, created the earth with boundaries. Where does the ocean stop? Where does the sky and the land meet? Boundaries were there from the beginning, so we got to know they’re important if God started with them, right?
0:01:33 – Speaker 1
Well, and that’s like a geography boundary, you’re talking about that, but my mind goes to the boundary of you can eat from any tree except this one. That was a boundary, that was a boundary. Lord said listen, i’ve given you this garden, adam and Eve, and enjoy it and have an amazing life, but just don’t eat this one fruit from this one tree. Right, and what happened Like mankind couldn’t respect the boundary Makes me feel better. And that’s a letter from the same sense, all hell has broken loose.
0:02:08 – Speaker 2
I struggle with food boundaries too, Eve, I do girl.
0:02:13 – Speaker 1
Bringing out that tough ice cream.
0:02:17 – Speaker 2
I kind of wish it was forbidden, like in a fence around it, but that’s a story for another day. So I guess you know we like to break it down Like what exactly is a boundary? I started with geography. You kind of went a different direction, but it really is what marks the end of one thing, like a property in the beginning of another. You know it’s easy to think about it like a fence. You know, like your house, right, so you have your house, you got your neighbor. Where can I stop my sprinkler from watering? That’s what I need to know. Like where can my dog go? and they’re still on my property. That’s a boundary. It’s like a fence that gives us a clear line of what’s ours and what’s not ours.
0:03:00 – Speaker 1
And in relationships it’s the same thing, right, it’s just it’s not tangible, you don’t see it. So we put up these emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, but those are through conversation, like this is my physical boundary with you, or whatever, and so it’s almost become like a way to define space between people. It’s like an invisible fence right, And we have to communicate where it stops and where it starts and what we’re comfortable with.
0:03:31 – Speaker 2
Okay, so clearly there’s lots of different types of boundaries. I think we can break it down into four main categories and tackle it that way. Physical, obviously, your actual physical autonomy. We’ve all felt that you know when someone’s up in your grill or up in your face, that makes me crazy. I don’t know if I need like special boundaries, but you know when someone’s like a close talker, that’s a physical boundary, like step it back, friend, step it back. It makes me uncomfortable.
0:04:02 – Speaker 1
I’m going to take this a step farther and everybody that knows me personally laughs at me about this. but like those people that hug and won’t let go, i’m like I like a good hug. I mean, i’ve learned. I’ve learned to like You’re so much better.
You’re so much better. I used to hate hugging and you know really only my really close personal friend. I’m like, coming out today with this situation, you’re revealing the truth about yourself. It’s not me. I hug her at all and I have learned to appreciate a good hug, but there are still some people that linger too long on the hook. So I’m like okay, let go.
0:04:37 – Speaker 2
You know what the boundary on that is The rub, like why are you rubbing my back? Too long, too intimate.
0:04:48 – Speaker 1
It’s so funny We’re all learning. We’re all learning and growing. We’re all learning.
0:04:52 – Speaker 2
We’re all learning. So, yeah, everybody’s got different physical boundaries. And then we have, like, the mental, emotional boundaries like what am I feeling, what’s okay, what’s not okay to say and to feel, and being very aware of that. That’s a huge one. That’s a huge one that we really need to be aware of and teach our kids. So we’re going to talk through a lot of examples on that one.
0:05:11 – Speaker 1
The spiritual, you know boundary of what I believe, what’s okay for my life and what I feel like is not okay because it doesn’t line up with God’s scripture. And that’s a whole thing too, because you’re going to run into people with different boundaries on that, and then you’re teaching your kids how to respectfully disagree but maintain your boundary of your beliefs. And so that’s the spiritual boundary, and then also the like, the interpersonal boundaries, you know. And so here we’re talking about friendships, dating, all of that kind of stuff. Family relationships, where you have to set some perimeters with the people you love and the people that are in your life, and so we’re going to kind of dive into some examples there.
The one that comes to mind immediately is, you know, a friendship, and we did a whole podcast on navigating friendships but we really have to help our kids when they come to us and they’re like oh, my friends are doing something I’m not comfortable with, how do I communicate that? And you’re literally teaching your kid to communicate a boundary, like saying to their friends like I love you, i want to be your friend, but I’m not going to do that, like I’m not going to bully that kid or I’m not going to vape in the bathroom or I’m not going to whatever. They’re creating a boundary. That’s the one that comes to mind, like right away when I talk, when I think about interpersonal, but it’s your relationships and how you’re setting boundaries within that. I think that one’s huge.
0:06:32 – Speaker 2
It is huge And I feel like none of this is easy and it’s can be overwhelming, because it doesn’t just affect parenting Like everything we talk about here at nextTalk. It requires us to first look in the mirror, which is never easy. That moment where you step back and you take yourself out of the parenting mode for a minute and you say, okay, I also have to have boundaries and be clear about what they are, And so that kind of plays into where we want to go with this. Now that we’ve said what the boundaries are. There’s kind of four main jobs that I think we have as a person, as a parent, in this world. And having boundaries for yourself, Like we’ve got to develop those, we’ve got to know what they are. We have to be clear about them to modeling those boundaries And that means not just saying them, because it’s easy to be like, oh, here are my boundaries, But if you say them and express them and then your kids and your people that you care about don’t see you actually living them out, then it’s kind of a mixed message And then maybe you really aren’t clear and confident on your boundaries.
And then there’s the teaching boundaries, which is just an imperative part of parenting. Well, that was a mouthful. Kids have to take ownership. They really do. They have to be praised and encouraged and develop their own boundaries. And that’s the huge parenting piece there is. How do we do that, How do we encourage them to do that And how do we teach them to do that? And then what you mentioned earlier, Mandy respecting others boundaries. Yes, having our own. Yes, teaching our kids, but also teaching our kids that respecting other people’s boundaries is critical, Like that’s so important to our community and our world that we learn how to respect other people’s differences and boundaries.
0:08:18 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, kim. So let’s start out with the first one that you said having boundaries. Okay, so what are our personal boundaries And what does that mean? And I think this is really a look in the mirror moment. I know, for me, i suffer from people pleasing. Like that is something that I struggle with. I’ve always struggled with that, and so, for me, i don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, and so I have had to create clear boundaries, especially in my role with nextTalk, like that’s where my like spiritual beliefs come in, and I’m like okay, this is what I believe And this is what I’m going to say, even though some people may not agree with it. Like I’ve had to. That’s just been a boundary. Like I have to stand true to who I am, because I serve God, not people, right? Yep? And that is something that I’ve had to work on. And I think, to you know, on this people pleasing situation, where we’re looking in the mirror, i do want to note this I think that our kids have been, and the more I’ve watched my kids grow up and you know other kids and talk to families and stuff, you know they’re growing up in a world where everything is be kind, be nice, which is an amazing message. I’m not knocking that message. That’s a great message.
But I think sometimes kids get confused that boundaries are mean, okay. So, for example, you have a girl and a boy in her class, bixxer, and he’s spamming the emming her on Instagram. He’s all the things right, and the girl has been like, very kind, oh yes, you’re such a nice guy, but you know, i’m not ready to get in a relationship where I’m not, i don’t want to date or whatever. That is not being unkind, because you’re clearly communicating a boundary. Now, if your girl is messaging back the guy, you’re ugly, i don’t like you. That’s not a boundary, that’s being unkind, right, and so there’s a difference there And I think we have to teach our kids. It’s okay to say to someone I don’t want to go to that dance with you, thank you for asking me, but no, thank you. Our world is kind of teaching our kids that they can’t say no. Really. That’s why boundaries are such a big deal. It’s why it’s such a big conversation today.
0:10:38 – Speaker 2
I’m so glad you said that because it made me think of two things. One, as parents, sometimes we want people to like our kids and we can sometimes push our kids into being kind instead of being clear, because we’re like, oh you know what, the kids aren’t going to like my kid, or they’re going to, you know, push him out of the popular group, or he’s not going to be invited. And we make it about ourselves. We want our kid to be liked and so, instead of encouraging our kid to be clear and stand on what they know and what they believe, sometimes we can muddy the waters for them, and that’s not good either.
And then the other thing that came to mind is I think personally and I bet a lot of us could relate to this we’ve all been in a situation where we’re not sure how someone is feeling or what’s happening, and it feels bad, like to be unclear about how someone feels about you or what they think about you, or if they’re mad about you, or if they have a boundary, feels unsure and yucky. I do not like that feeling. I would rather someone be clear with their boundaries, so I know what’s expected of me, i know where I can, you know, dig in or where I need to stand back, where I need to respect or where I can push a little bit harder. And even if not everybody likes you or understands it, at least they know where they stand.
0:11:56 – Speaker 1
Well, and coming back to this section of having boundaries for ourselves and looking in the mirror, being clear to yourself is kind to yourself, it’s good self-talk, it’s good mental health awareness for yourself. And so what are some practical things that we can do? you know, because me being a people pleaser and also me being so passionate about the work I do, i’ve had to set up some really personal boundaries around work and life, home balance, so that I’m not all weekend responding to parent text or parent messages or whatever. And so you know, just be very clear with yourself. I remember when my kids were little, we had this kind of guideline that when, whenever we ate dinner together, of course no phones for any of us, but we would kind of add on an hour. So you know we would have at least two hours in the evening and it would shift depending on our schedule, like the exact time. I tried to do a five to eight. Well, that didn’t do it, because then you know every night’s different and then something comes up and then there’s this school performance or whatever. But just being intentional about when you’re all at home, saying OK, for the next two hours can we just put away our phones, let’s have dinner and let’s just reconnect And just very intentional about that.
I also had a counselor one time you know, we work from home And she said to me when you leave your office for the day and you turn off the light, i want you to envision leaving all the nextTalk problems in the office And you’re walking into your living room and you’re not going to think about them until tomorrow because they’re still going to be there. That was me. Setting a clear boundary of work is not going to live in my mind, rent free and steal family moments from me. I had to create that clear boundary. So these are the kinds of things we’re talking about. These are, you know, this is really a mental, emotional one where I had to really think about in my mind what do I need to do so that my mental health doesn’t deteriorate here? This is an example of, you know, making clear boundaries for yourself.
0:14:01 – Speaker 2
That’s so good and practical, and I want to say that’s what we’re talking about here, and a lot of that is just being aware I’m feeling stressed in this situation, you know, or I really like when this happens or this makes me uncomfortable, and just taking that extra step and you can even set a time frame, like you know what, for the next month I’m going to focus on how I’m feeling, as I, you know, work throughout my life and how I operate in my daily living, and be more aware of what I’m feeling in different situations and maybe refresh my set of boundaries so I can be healthy. I think you can just approach it like that real, real, practical and be more aware of what those boundaries are and start communicating them to your family and your loved ones.
0:14:43 – Speaker 1
Absolutely So. Number one you have to have those boundaries for yourself, you do. Number two you have to model those boundaries.
0:14:51 – Speaker 2
Oh man, it gets so hard. So if we get, to number two.
0:14:55 – Speaker 1
I mean you can have the boundaries all you want, but if you’re not actually doing it, your kids are going to see that you’re not actually doing it and that boundaries really don’t matter. Right, they really don’t make a difference. And of course we messed this up and you can say you know, the other night I messed this up, i was really stressed about work at dinner and I’m snapping at my family, dear Matt was like hey, anything bothering you at work. And I told him. I said you know the leaving it in the office at five, my boundary. I’m not doing well at that right now. I’m not, you know. And I just clearly communicated that that I messed up. I had this boundary in place to protect our family time and because we’re human, and but I think it goes a long way because you’re, you’re telling your kid I’m having these boundaries And then when you do screw it up, it’s not like, oh, they don’t matter, it’s just I got overwhelmed, like, just like you said, kim, clearly communicating your feelings in that moment is so important.
0:15:50 – Speaker 2
That’s so good that you shared that, because in modeling, boundaries doesn’t mean they’re going to be perfect, but it also models for our kids that it’s OK for them to make mistakes too. The important thing is to have the boundary in place and to be aware of it and to know when you’ve crossed the line and to recognize how that feels, because you didn’t feel good bringing that to the dinner table. It’s not like it made things better. And so that’s part of the conversation too, is you know what? I crossed the line of my boundary and here’s the fruit of that, and I think that’s fantastic for our kids to see both sides of that story And in modeling is part of that when it goes well and when it doesn’t.
And again, these are practical things. You know when you communicate your boundaries and your kids see you following through, when you say you know what In the evening I’m going to set my phone up. Or you know, one of our boundaries on Sundays is we try to limit screen time unless it’s something we do together. We put our phones up. We will maybe watch an episode of a show or a movie together, but we try to do other things that don’t involve a screen. And if I’m over there on my phone all day and I’m yelling at my kids like turn off the TV or get off the Xbox, they’re not going to learn to respect those boundaries because I’m not modeling that myself And therefore I’m basically saying with my actions it’s not really important. So this modeling piece, as hard as it is, it’s super important.
0:17:11 – Speaker 1
Well, and I think too, you know, when you’ve set up some boundaries for yourself like for me, you know, work life balance has been a big deal right. And because I’m a people pleaser and I’m passionate about what I do, and so it’s a big deal. And so I think also like the piece of modeling is when I’m asked to do something like maybe volunteer at the school or volunteer at church, and my kid will see me say no And it’s not because I don’t think that’s a great thing, like somebody needs to do that and that’s an important role And I pray that somebody else steps up. But I also know my limitations And I’m not willing to sacrifice that family time that I’ve tried to carve out every day and even working as hard to do that. So why would I add something on top of it?
And I think, when your kids see that it’s almost like they know and I’ve communicated to my family before I would love to volunteer at your school that way. But my priority is my family and then my work And I can’t do both of those and add this on top of it, like I just simply cannot do that. And again, it’s that we have the boundary personally in our mind what we know we’re capable of. It’s like a fence to protect our mental health, right? And then the modeling piece. The second step comes in, when I have to actually say no and then communicate with my kids to make it kind of like a teachable moment of why I’m saying no.
0:18:36 – Speaker 2
Yeah, totally, and you can start this when they’re young with things that they can relate to, like I used to tell my kids mom is a pie and apple pie. We all love apple pie And there are only so many pieces in the pie And this piece of the pie is for work, this piece of the pie is for you, you, you, there’s three of you And there’s dad, and the pie is getting smaller and smaller. And then someone asks me for a piece of the pie. If I give them a piece, it’s gonna take your piece and you’re not gonna get any pie. And they’re like I want pie. You know you can really make it understandable for young kids and start this conversation young so that as they get older it just makes sense, they learn how to set boundaries for themselves because they’ve seen it done so well.
0:19:25 – Speaker 1
I know one boundary that I had to set for myself was a long time ago. I yelled at my son when we were doing homework because I was on my phone dealing with a work issue and trying to help him with his homework And I was just divided right And I got short with him and it I mean I just handled the whole situation wrong. And that was I told him, from now on, when I’m helping you with your homework, my boundary is I’m not gonna have my phone in here. And so I had to stick to that Like I had to. You know, step one was I set the boundary for myself, but step two, i had to model that.
And I just remember a couple of times after that when I would say oh wait a minute, let me put my phone on the mud bench while I help you, because if it goes off in my back pocket I don’t wanna just knee jerk reaction, take it out, because that’s what we do. We don’t think about it right, we’re so connected all the time. And I just think it spoke volumes to his little heart. You know he was an elementary age at the time, but I think it spoke volumes of like I’m important And mom is creating a boundary, because that’s how important I am, and so you can see how this modeling boundaries can strengthen the relationship with the people you love the most if they see you modeling it well.
0:20:34 – Speaker 2
Yeah, so true, so true. And so here we are with step one having our own boundaries, looking in the mirror. Step two we’ve gotta model those boundaries for our kids. And then we have to teach boundaries to our kids, and you know it’s easy when they’re little bitty because we get to set the boundaries. That’s our role as parents. Like you know, here’s bedtime, here’s what you’re gonna eat, don’t cross the road without looking left and right, like all of those very practical boundaries are the beginning of keeping our kids safe. But it’s got to grow with your child And we have to transfer that ability to create boundaries to them.
They’ve got to learn how to recognize how they’re feeling, what makes them comfortable, uncomfortable. They need to understand God’s boundaries in their life and why they are there to keep them safe. And so that process of transferring that control over setting boundaries for themselves is the teaching piece. And again, we wanna do that with yes, talking to them about what God says, yes, modeling, but also teaching them about discernment. I think that’s one of the biggest parts of learning how to have boundaries for yourself is discerning what’s happening in a relationship, what’s happening in a moment, and is this healthy for me or not?
0:21:54 – Speaker 1
Man, that’s really good, And my mind goes a couple of different places and examples there. I think about teaching your kid to be a self advocate and teaching your kid to self-regulate. I wanna share a practical screen example that popped in my mind as you were talking, and then I also wanna share a relationship example. So my thought went to my kid in his Xbox. He’s always loved it right, and when he was little I would dictate how much time he would have on that screen. I would set the boundary for him. You do your homework, you have an hour or whatever. That was the thing.
But as he got older I thought I don’t want him going off to college and I’m not there to tell him to turn off the screen, like I have to teach him to discern, to self-regulate when he needs to turn off the Xbox. And so there were a couple of moments that he would get really mad and angry and I would let it play out Like he would get mad at the game and he would throw his controller or whatever. And I would let him just be in that moment, cause I felt like he needed to feel it. He needed to feel what being unhealthy on a screen felt like for a moment, and then a couple of hours later, or maybe next morning on the way to school. So then we’re having a conversation hey, i noticed you through your controller the other day, like what do you think happened? And then the conversation becomes like well, you’re growing up And so what I want you to do is start understanding. When you’re in a moment where you’re escalating, like that, you can step back and create a boundary and say I need to stop this right now. Or it’s about self-control and they’ve got to learn this skill. With screens, with scrolling on TikTok, with whatever it is. They need to learn this skill And it will translate into their eating habits and to their exercise habits, like all areas of their sleeping habits, all of them.
But you’re having these conversations about boundaries that they’re setting up for yourself. A perfect example is we’ve always done no phones in bedrooms, always. Well, i mean right now, my son is 15 and, honestly, even if I told him right now he could have his phone in his bedroom, I don’t think he would, because he’s focused on being the best athlete he can be, and so he’s sleeping, he’s eating, he’s doing all the healthy life habits, and so it’s almost like a, i don’t even want that. Hmm, camo just growled, hold on, it would be almost like he doesn’t even want that. So that’s like a practical example of where my mind went to as far as screen time can. But the other example is I just thought about you know, if you’re really good at teaching boundaries to your littles all Through their life right, with friendships, with little things.
They’re gonna grow up and they’re gonna start dating and what’s gonna happen is the first conversation And I say dating. Okay, they define it all different ways. They are talking for a while and then they make it official and they actually take on the label of girlfriend, boyfriend. You know, like there’s levels, i know all that, but I’m just saying, once they make it official, the first conversation they’re gonna have is about boundaries. It’s what’s cool is you don’t even have to say that. They just automatically know that’s a conversation for a healthy relationship. That needs to happen right now because you’ve modeled it all these years. It’s so cool thing to watch. You know, as you’ve Taught boundaries over and over in little things, that these big things happen and they just know, okay, this we got to talk about boundaries here.
0:25:25 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think the reason that can happen is, as you said, at boundaries, and then you see them creating their own. That is where we also have to shift into like the cheerleader. I saw that you did that and it was so good, or I’m so proud of you, or that was really healthy, or I noticed you made this boundary and I can really see the difference in in your life right now, or in how you’re feeling, or in your relationships, and so we shift from being like the dictator of the rules to the cheerleader of their boundaries, and so they feel confident and encouraged like, oh okay, i know what I’m doing or I’m doing a good job here. So as they go off into the real world and they’re dating or they’re, you know, doing different things or they’re having a job, we help to build up that confidence so that they know it’s healthy and safe and right for me to make these boundaries on my own, and that’s such a sweet spot. That’s what we want to launch our kids Into a place where they protect their heart and minds, where they create their own boundaries.
That is definitely the goal, and I think one thing I want to really Impress upon parents here is their boundaries are gonna look different than yours and that’s good and that’s okay and And sometimes we can get a little discouraged or we think like, oh, i don’t understand, why would they do that? or I don’t feel that way And it’s so important to step back when we’re feeling that and think, okay, is this a personal thing and I’m making it about me, or Is this a moment where I need to say, okay, you know, my kid is becoming independent and this is good that their boundaries are different. They’re still respectful and they’re still healthy. They just look different and then celebrate those with them. I think that’s just one of those little little things.
Like me, i’m a hugger. This is a real practical example. I hug the mailman, you know, not rubbing the back, like we don’t do that. But you know, if I meet someone, i grew up in a culture where that’s just what you do and so it’s very natural to me and Two of my kids like they are not having any of that and I struggled with that at first like, oh, my goodness, why wouldn’t you want to hug everybody?
0:27:29 – Speaker 1
But that’s a you’re fine. I’ve raised a Mandy. What has happened over What?
0:27:33 – Speaker 2
did she say to you man, but it’s, you know what I have learned to do? respect that, that is a boundary for them and it’s okay. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or they’re not nice. They just show affection and acceptance of other people different than I do, and so Encouraging their boundaries so important and and being okay that they’re different than yours.
0:27:56 – Speaker 1
Piki, backing on that example We’ve said on this show before, especially when we’re talking about like sexual abuse and that kind of stuff, like if your kid does not want to hug an adult and I, we all find ourselves in the situation You’re visiting family out of town or whatever, and you’re getting ready to leave and you’re like, okay, i gave uncle so-and-so a hug and your kid does not want to do like, your kid does not want to hug them. Yeah, never make your kid hug an adult, never. And I liked what you came up with. It was you saw it on a show of Of somewhere. I remember you got the idea from somewhere else, but you implemented it and you gave your kids the option of a hug or a high five.
And so that’s what you say now when you’re like leaving family or leaving adults, hey, give them a hug or high five or whatever. You know it’s just a way to be kind. But but then it gives again. You’re giving power to your children to make that decision, to become a self-advocate, to learn to discern for themselves, instead of telling them what to do, because Sometimes we don’t know best. Like we think, oh, hug the person, it shows respect, but what if that person’s a predator and we don’t know it, like look, we are not God, and sometimes we get this wrong parents, and so I do think learning to respect your kids boundaries and where they want to be with them is so, so critical.
0:29:11 – Speaker 2
You know. On that same note, we don’t know what other people’s experiences are. We don’t know, you know what they’ve gone through or what’s important to them or what’s not. And so that final piece and that we need to Implement in our home and teach our kids is respecting other people’s boundaries. Going back to I’m a hugger. Not everybody is. Not everybody wants to be hugged like Mandy majors, just kidding.
0:29:34 – Speaker 1
Matt, every time you come over, he’s like preparing. He’s like Kim’s gonna hug me.
0:29:43 – Speaker 2
I do not respect your boundary girl no. No, you do. It’s so important to teach our kids that that Everybody’s boundaries are gonna look different, and being sensitive to those, being respectful of them and Honoring them is so very important, and they need to see us model that as well.
0:30:02 – Speaker 1
Along these lines of like, showing respect to others. You know, i do think it’s important. I know my kids, you know, a lot of times on Friday night You guys have family movie night and a couple times my kids have said, oh my gosh, text this to miss Kim, like we’ll be watching a funny video or whatever and they’ll be like text to mix Kim. And I’ve made comments of, oh, i’ll do it tomorrow because tonight’s family movie night and I don’t want to bother her at all and Even just a funny meme, which I know that you wouldn’t, it’s not work, it’s not. You know, whatever I know you would be fine with it, i just don’t want your phone going off at all, like I don’t want any distraction for you. And I think my kids, seeing that I honored that with you, that that’s important to me. I think it’s one of the things they admire about our friendship because they think the respect is there, like the boundary is there. You know. You know There’s certain days that I don’t want to be contacted with work unless it’s an absolute emergency. And they see that you honor that And it’s almost like we’re modeling for them because we’re respecting each other. We’re showing them what true friendship is the other thing.
A couple boundaries that come to mind are just, you know, posting about your kids on social media. I Like respecting their boundary of what they want out there and what they don’t want out there. You know, so many times like my kid does something amazing and I will be like, please, let me post about it. And they’re like, no, it sounds too braggy and I don’t want anybody to know I did that. You know they helped a kid at school or whatever. And and they’re like, no, and so I don’t post it. But but when my kid sees me respect their boundaries, then they think, oh, i like this and I want to create clear boundaries and I want to be friends and I want to date people who respect and honor the boundaries because this is healthy. We’re modeling like a healthy relationship for modeling so much more than just a boundary when we do this well.
0:31:51 – Speaker 2
So all of it connects together and it’s all so important. and immediately thought back again to. sometimes we make it about ourselves with these boundaries, because I always want to post stuff about my kids And if you know me, if you are connected to me on social media, it’s like one percent of my life five times a year because my kids just aren’t comfortable with it And so, as much as it’s hard for me not to, i want to honor and respect them and they see that and you’re right, it’s real important that they see that and that they know my opinion and my boundary matters.
0:32:24 – Speaker 1
Well, it’s part of creating a safe place. We did a whole show on that, but that’s in a perfect example of If your kids think everything they tell you is going to get posted, they’re not going to tell you anything, and so you know what is more important the post or the relationship? you know, obviously the relationship is way more important, and so it’s. It all goes back to like respecting people’s boundaries.
0:32:46 – Speaker 2
One thing I want to say as we’re wrapping up here is that whole discernment piece that we talked about earlier and teaching your kids how to listen to that still small voice and how to, you know, pay attention to the feelings that they feel And they meet people and if they’re comfortable or uncomfortable, and not to ignore that.
That is part of that whole conversation with your kids about God created boundaries and he will also show us in our relationships and in our lives where we need to create a boundary, where sometimes we don’t even know And sometimes I am surprised like I’ll feel like the Holy Spirit saying you need a boundary here and I’m not even aware of it. And then I can look back later and say thank you, lord, for that word, because now I see why it was important that I step back from that relationship or create a boundary in that situation. And so being in tune with the Holy Spirit also helps us guard and maintain our heart and our mind and and keep it in a place where it’s healthy. So that’s another part of it that I think is a conversation with our kids is listening to that still small voice, listening for the Holy Spirit and developing our ability to have good discernment.
0:33:56 – Speaker 1
What goes back to the protect your heart and mind. I mean that’s a. You know that’s a boundary and like, for example, teaching your kids you know pornography we talk about it all the time how bad it is for their heart and their mind. You know we can say pornography is bad, don’t look at it, that’s not going to be effective. But we can say, hey, if you can create this boundary in your life, you won’t look at people weird, you won’t look at people differently, your relationship won’t be impacted by the objectification that you get through pornography. If we can do that kind of education, then they’re more likely to set that boundary up for themselves. I don’t want that in my heart and mind, because they’ve been taught their whole life why it’s bad, why it’s harmful, and that is their job to to guard their guard themselves.
0:34:41 – Speaker 2
And that’s why we have to talk about all these hard things, because that’s how we empower and encourage our kids to protect their heart and mind, by educating them and then having things like boundaries. you know, we’ve got to have our own, we’ve got to model them, we’ve got to teach them And encourage our kids to respect everyone else’s boundaries as well. It’s important because boundaries affect every single part of our life.
0:35:04 – Speaker 1
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0:35:16 – Speaker 2
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0:35:28 – Speaker 1
We’re more than cyber parenting. It’s conversations to connect. This podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
