I forgot how to have fun.

Mandy MajorsHost00:08

Welcome to the nextTalk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.

Kim ElerickHost00:15

It’s Mandy and Kim and we’re navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.

I think a lot of families are like me. I think you do this too, Mandy. On Sundays, you have like that family rundown. We’re going through the calendar. I’m kind of like the calendar queen Everything is on mom’s calendar and just going over the week, this is what we have here, this is what we’re doing then. This is where we have to be at this time, and this past Sunday we were doing this. Do you do this too?

Mandy MajorsHost00:43

Yeah, because I have to mentally prepare my family for how crazy it’s going to be, so that nobody has to bring down midweek.

Kim ElerickHost00:50

Yeah, well, this past Sunday we were doing it and I was going down the list and I was like, okay, we got basketball in the morning, at six, we have basketball in the afternoon and four, we have basketball. On the weekend, we have hip hop class, we have this. We have to deliver this meal to this family. We’re going to have dinner at home on this night at around the table Churches at this time. Charles, don’t forget to pay the electric bill. The birthday party is on Sunday. We’ll get the gift on Tuesday.

01:12

I was just going down the list and I paused to breathe and my daughter, who has the sweetest voice, it cuts through everything. She’s only nine and she’s just precious. And she says with her like really big eyes mommy, when are we going to have any fun? And I was like fun, what are you talking about? But really it did hit me because I thought here, I think we’re doing all these things because they’re fun and they’re great, and you know, this is what a family does. And that’s all she came away with was when are we going to have any fun? And made an impact.

Mandy MajorsHost01:50

Well, I think also us in our age, in this midlife thing, that we got going on and it’s a real thing. It’s a real thing that it hit and you just feel like in your marriage, with parenting and life, that it’s almost like it takes effort to have fun. You know everything on the list.

02:13

It is. It is my husband the other day, you know. He’s like I want to get dressed up and go out to dinner and did it and I’m like that is so much effort. I don’t have to talk to people like that does not stop me at all.

Kim ElerickHost02:26

Well, and you know that’s the thing. Like we, we didn’t want to do this show because we need to plan more fun for our kids. I think we need to kind of figure out why and how we stopped having fun and what that looks like. Even if it’s important, it’s just a conversation around that idea because it’s so easy to not incorporate fun into our lives at this stage because there is so much to do and it’s important stuff. It’s not like we’re, you know, doing nothing over here Calgon, take me away and we’re not doing that.

Mandy MajorsHost02:57

Yeah, we’re not even bonbons on the couch watching soap operas. Nobody’s doing that, you know. For me, I think, honestly being on the nextTalk journey you know I’m being a nextTalk parent and learning open communication and healthy dialogue and digging into hard stuff and not sweeping in under the rug like all those things they’ve all been so great for our family, like amazing, right, we’re breaking family cycles and we’re healing from past baggage and we’re bringing things into the light that we were scared about, like all that great stuff is happening. But I will be real, the downside to being a next talk family is it is hard work. It is hard work because you are in it every day and you know you’re getting up at 2 am when your teenager wants to talk and you’re digging in and you’re doing all the hard things. You’re not putting a Band-Aid over that marital problem, you’re actually talking about it and that takes energy. It really does.

03:53

And I think sometimes, in the middle of all, that I have forgotten to just have fun. And I don’t mean going out, I don’t mean spending money, I mean like dancing in the kitchen, I mean like just getting up in the mornings and hugging each one of my family members and saying I love you. You know what I mean. Like to me that’s fun, that is like refreshing for my soul type. Little things, not these big, we’re not talking. Vacations, we’re not talking. I mean everybody’s fine. He’s financially strapped right now with this economy. It’s crazy, you know, but that’s just an added layer of our responsibility.

Kim ElerickHost04:30

Well, and it’s a busy season and we say that. But I’ll be honest, it doesn’t matter what you do whether you’re a stay at home mom, whether you have 10 kids and you homeschool, everybody is busy. We’re all hurrying through life and I think within that hurry and that busyness, we are exhausted it. Whether it’s you’re making a meal or you’re writing a proposal, we’re burning the candle at both ends and we’re trying to figure out how to do all these different things that our society says equals success as a parent or success in your job or as a friend or as a Christian.

05:03

You can get burned out serving in the church, or you can replace things in your life. You say, okay, I’m going to take a break. I, you know, I’m going to clear some of the things off of my schedule for what’s important and what do we do. We fill it up with other things. We say, okay, I’m going to volunteer now twice as much at church, or I’m going to do this thing instead of truly, truly resting. And I think that’s what was really eye opening to me as I started to think about this topic, because I was like, okay, we should make a list, Like what are fun things to do? And you know we can go out and we can play Nerf guns with the kids. It would be good to do this.

Mandy MajorsHost05:32

It became a to do list.

Kim ElerickHost05:33

It became a to do list, yeah, and I could feel like my heart rate getting faster, just like I’m talking faster, and I was like, oh, and then we could go here. We’ll get ice cream after church on this day. And I was like, wait a minute, that doesn’t sound fun. It sounds like more to do. And I think what hit me hard is I realized there’s no room for fun if I’m not rested enough to actually enjoy it. And fun looks different, but all types of fun comes from a place of well-being, a place of being whole in myself, a place of taking time to just be in the moment, Because it’s hard to have fun if you don’t even notice it. Your kids may still be dancing in the kitchen, but you’re over here, like marking things off your list, and the fun is happening, but you’re so stressed you don’t get to enjoy it Because we’re so exhausted. So I think the first thing that we need to identify is to have fun. We need to be rested.

Mandy MajorsHost06:23

Man. I think this is you’re preaching it over here, Kim because I my mind goes to in a very hurried season when I used to go to my kids basketball games and it almost was like a chore to get there and whatever. Versus the season when I’m rested and I look forward to the basketball games. It’s like, ah, for an hour I get to go watch him do the thing that he loves to do, and it’s just a mind shift. It’s still an hour and then drive time and then you know afterwards of all the things, it’s still the same amount of time, but it’s my mental shift and I think you’re right, it’s where I am mentally If I am rested, if I am taking time to just be still.

07:03

I mean, there’s something in that Bible verse be still. I know that I am God. Yeah, we need to be still. I know. For me, one of the one of the things that I’m really bad about is when I say I’m resting, I’m scrolling yes, because I don’t have a lot of time during the day to be on social media Like I’m in meetings, I’m, you know, I’m recording podcasts with Kim, you know I’m doing all these things, and so sometimes when I, when I finally rest at night. I pick up my phone and I just start scrolling and then my mind goes to oh, let me look up this account. Oh, let me chase down this and see what this argument is about. And then, oh, let me see what this is.

Kim ElerickHost07:43

And then I get a text. We should do a topic on this. That’s your way in the morning.

Mandy MajorsHost07:51

And I think sometimes we’re equating resting with scrolling, and I think we need to be. I need to be. I’m preaching to myself here. Maybe nobody else struggles with that, but for me, like literally turning everything off and being quiet, that’s what really can fill my soul, and sometimes I’m reading scripture. Sometimes, though, I’m just going out back and listening to the birds.

Kim ElerickHost08:14

Like just sitting out back, like doing nothing, no reading nothing, just being still Well, and we as a country and as a community and as a culture really really struggle with that, because there’s mental stillness and there’s physical stillness. We may say, oh yeah, I rested on the couch but, like you said, mentally you’re not still. You’re scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.

08:34

Or you’re watching you know the latest series of this and you’re binge watching it and you’re getting into it and your mind is racing and you’re imagining all these things, or you are not thinking about much, but you’re physically doing. You’re cleaning the house, you’re preparing dinner, you’re doing all these things and physically you’re just tired. Maybe you’re exercising, which is not a bad thing, but maybe you’re doing it twice a day, seven days a week, because of some goal that you have, and so physically you’re exhausted, but mentally maybe, you’re a little clearer. The thing is, what we struggle to do is rest both our whole body, mind, spirit, soul, all of it and just be still, because that’s when we can really hear our father speak to us and fill that cup that only he can fill, and that’s when I feel like we start to recognize the things that bring us joy, thus fun, and we’re missing out on it because we’re in such a hurry to do everything.

Mandy MajorsHost09:25

Well, when rest is biblical, I mean God created the earth and then he rested. Like the Creator needed a day of rest, Jesus, multiple times, would go off by himself to pray.

Kim ElerickHost09:37

Oh, and he would do that after doing like one thing, Like he would do one thing and then he’d disappear in the desert for 30 days and he’d be like okay, or he’d sleep in in the morning Like he’s rested.

Mandy MajorsHost09:49

He rested, he would go be by himself, and I think there’s something in that that we need to take hold of, because I think you’re right, I think we’re missing fun because we’re not rested, because I do think there’s fun all around to be had and to join in on and enjoy the little moments, like you said, of your kids dancing in the kitchen or, you know, cracking a joke that you totally missed because you’re on your phone. You know, whatever it is, there’s moments we’re missing of that fun that would fill our cup even more if we were rested.

Kim ElerickHost10:23

I think that’s the bigger conversation you know is the rest.

10:27

And then, if you’re someone like me, who also likes practical things to think about, I do believe that sometimes along the way as parents and with all the things that are on our shoulders and the lack of rest, we kind of forget the things that we enjoy, just as a person. Sometimes we do all the things that our kids like to do, or we go along with our husband because you know he has planned something or he remembers what he likes to do. And I’m speaking to myself. I oftentimes I’m like what do I like to do again when I finally do feel rested?

10:57

And so I think that’s one of those things in those moments where you can be still and quiet, allow God to speak into your soul and remind you of who he created you to be, what you’re good at, what you enjoy, what fills your cup Maybe it’s blessing others through conversation, maybe you love active things like pickleball or whatever, but you don’t ever have time for it because you are stretched so thin. And so something as practical and simple as that, when you’re thinking what am I going to do when I rest, when I sit still, just allow God to wash over you, how he created you, the things that make you unique, in the things that fill your cup.

Mandy MajorsHost11:31

And sometimes you know, when we’re by ourselves, it’s almost like a look in the mirror moment where we do have some realities of I’ve changed or what I used to like I don’t like or I’m not very likable. I don’t want to spend. I mean, there may be things that it does require work on your part, because there’s some inner turmoil that you don’t want to be by yourself, because it’s hard. And I would say, if that is you, go to a counselor, because it sounds like you may be working through some stuff from your past, from whatever, because this is really important, like you’re not going to be able to pour yourself out to anyone around you or yourself, like to be able to enjoy the moments and have fun for yourself if you just can’t be content with who you are.

Kim ElerickHost12:20

It’s like trying to dance with baggage on your shoulders. You know you’re weighed down and trying to enjoy laughter when all you want to do is cry Like if that’s the place that you’re in. It’s good that you’re realizing it, but, yeah, you need Jesus and counseling. Those are really important things to dig out of that hole so you can see yourself in a fresh new light and heal and begin to work back towards joy and fun and in this life that God created for us, that he wanted Not that he promised happy, no, but an abundant life, and I believe part of that is joy and laughter and fun.

Mandy MajorsHost12:54

Well, and I think too, if you find yourself in a moment where you’re by yourself and you’re like I don’t like myself anymore, like I’ve made horrible decisions, I’ve made a mess of everything I mean, maybe that’s where you are and you’re just in a pit I do also want to remind you yes, counseling, but also like God, can restore and redeem any person, any relationship. I have seen it. I have seen marriages be restored, I have seen child-parent relationships that were horrible be renewed and hopeful again because of Jesus. And so I know that sounds cliche, but like he didn’t die on a cross for you to be miserable. He died to forgive you, to give you a new life, to create a new creation in you. So if you’re in that place where you’re like I don’t even want to be by myself because I hate myself, you need to look in the mirror and know that you are loved and you are forgiven and that you are redeemed.

Kim ElerickHost13:48

Ultimately, what you’re saying, Mandy, is the most important part of this conversation that we realize who we are in Christ and who he wanted us to be and why he died on the cross. And it’s funny because I feel like I’m going back and forth between the ultimate conversation of our rest in Jesus and the practical side of living in this world. But I think that’s how it is sometimes, and so I want to recognize what you’re saying because of its importance, and I also want to say there’s power in saying no, and I know a lot of us as women and just parents in general and guys who are fixers. It’s a hard word and it’s true. We want to help.

14:27

We feel like sometimes, as Christians, like we’re not supposed to say no, and I think one of the reasons we get so burnt out and tired is because we’re saying yes to so many things, which requires us to say no to the most important things, and you may know that in your head, but you have got to let it trickle down into your heart and then, beyond that, into your actions.

14:45

It’s time to start saying no. You don’t have to bring the cupcakes to every party. You do not have to host the small group at your house. You don’t have to drive all the kids to the basketball game. Yes, those are fun things that maybe fill your cup, but if you’re saying yes to all of it, then you’re saying no to true rest, which is where you find joy and laughter and fun in your life again. And so, as hard as it may be, I would encourage you, in that quiet moment when you’re examining yourself, examining your life, to also say are there some things I need to say no to so that I can get back some of this fun that I’m missing in my life Absolutely.

Mandy MajorsHost15:21

And you know it, saying yes to everything comes from a really good place of you wanting to serve people and be helpful, and that’s awesome. But you also have to be very careful with that because Kim is right you start saying yes to everything and before long you’re not ready for the 1am conversation. If your teen wakes you up in the moment, you can’t, you don’t have it in you Like, you’re exhausted, and that could be a very big moment in your teen’s life or one of their friends or whatever that they are waking you up saying I need you right now, and so we have to be ready for those moments. We have to have margin for that.

15:56

One of the things that I want to say is, if you’re listening to this show and you’re like, oh my gosh, I mean I know my husband and I we both have had moments in the last five years where we’ve looked at one another and said I forgotten how to have fun. Oh my gosh. And I have been there because I take my work so seriously and I’m every time I feel like I’m not doing work, I’m not helping family, so it’s like I got to be careful with that right, because then work becomes an idol and then it becomes all on my shoulders and that’s not true, I am a piece to the puzzle, but God, it is all on God’s shoulders to figure this whole thing out right. And so I think one of the things is just recognizing it and then speaking it out loud to someone you love so maybe your spouse or a best friend, just somebody that is like, oh my gosh, I feel like I’m losing myself.

16:46

I’m over here parenting these kids and I’m doing what they want me to do, and then I’m trying to be a good wife and I’m, you know, going to do what my husband wants to do, but I never do what I want to do. And I’m struggling with all this and because it’s stuck in the life out of me and I just want to chill and have a minute of fun for myself, and I think that’s okay. I think that’s okay. You have to recognize it and you have to speak it out loud. The one thing I want to caution you on is to make sure your fun is healthy fun, and what I mean by that is sometimes we’re so overwhelmed with life, we pick up things and we call it fun, but it’s not healthy for us, it’s not a good decision, and so you have to make sure this is like healthy fun, that it’s not making it worse, that it’s not hindering who you need to be.

Kim ElerickHost17:34

I want to add on to that because I think that’s kind of our go to as a society and it’s very acceptable and I don’t want to say there’s anything wrong with it on some level.

17:43

But we need to be aware that our first level of filling our cup needs to be alone.

17:49

So if you’re finding that you are overwhelmed or you’re not having fun or any of those things, and you think I need a girl’s night out or I need to have a drink or I need to go to the spa, those are all nice things to do, but those are not a replacement for quiet time with you and God. Those are not a replacement for being still, and so often those are our go tos. We think, like those exist in different planes, like, oh, I’m going to have my quiet time but I need a break. So I’m going to go do this and that’s going to be fun, and fill my cup, and yes, it will feel like in the moment that it’s filling your cup. But we’re talking about that spiritual rest that is long lasting, that is life giving, and you won’t get that anywhere else except being alone by yourself, looking in the mirror, being still, listening for the father’s voice, and that is the kind of peace we need in order to get back on track to have a healthy, joyful, fun life.

Mandy MajorsHost18:44

Well, I think all those things you mentioned, Kim, like the spa, girls night out, all those things are self-care. Those are all good things to do but you know, that may maybe make you feel good for a day or a night or whatever. You keep doing that they’re. They’re kind of like band-aids. The true peace is that stillness, like you said, between you and God. So lean into him, trust him and just see if that peace is not restored in your soul and then you just start noticing fun in your life and it doesn’t become a to do list item, but you just start to enjoy the moments for what they are.