0:00:03 – Speaker 1
Hey, this is Mandy and Kim with nextTalk, where we are passionate about keeping kids safe in the digital world. Did you know? we have tens of thousands of listeners in 60 countries. It’s truly amazing, crazy. Only God, and as a non-profit, everything we do at nextTalk is supported by people just like you. Be a part of changing the culture of conversation in your home and around the globe by making a donation today. Go to nextTalk.org and click on Give and check out our resources while you’re there. More than cyber parenting conversations to connect. Hey guys, it’s Mandy here. Kim is not with us today. Everybody’s like okay, i’m turning it off, don’t turn it off, don’t turn it off. I have a very special guest today. My 18-year-old daughter is joining us. Welcome, honey. Hey, tell our listeners, for those who don’t know you, a little bit about yourself.
0:01:03 – Speaker 2
So I’m currently a senior. I’m about to graduate high school. I’m going to be studying psychology because I want to be a counselor.
0:01:11 – Speaker 1
So cool, i’m so proud of you, and can you just share a little bit? I know you’ve written so many scholarship essays about this, but just an abbreviated version. Why do you want to be a?
0:01:22 – Speaker 2
counselor. Actually, i just see the need for it in the world all around me, like I know a lot of people struggling with mental health, and so I want to try and do my part in helping fix that.
0:01:34 – Speaker 1
That’s awesome, and we all know. I keep telling her if you get to college and you change your mind, that’s okay too. You’re going into this world. I love that. She has goals and aspirations, but she may get to college and figure out her dream job. That’s not a counselor, And so, as parents, i think that’s always super important to remind our kids They can change their minds as well, always throwing in a learning target.
0:02:00 – Speaker 2
Everything I say, i swear The nextTalk way. So this is a great lesson actually.
0:02:07 – Speaker 1
Yeah, we’re going to talk about that later in the show for sure. Okay, so the reason we have my daughter right now on this episode is because, for those of you who haven’t followed nextTalk from the beginning or who haven’t read my books, her question in fourth grade really started this whole organization And we didn’t know it at the time. I mean, i was just a mom and I was totally blindsided by a question she asked me when she was nine. My daughter didn’t really want me to share that question, but what she’s allowed me to share is this It was super highly sexualized And the thing that she asked me about, like I didn’t know it existed until I was a 19-year-old college student And she was nine and in the fourth grade And she didn’t have a phone.
So that kind of sent me on a spiral of what’s going on with our kids. Why are they growing up in a world where it’s so sexualized and what do we do about it? And it led me to the realization over a year We started a group at our church first and that grew significantly over three semesters And then we started a nonprofit. But now here we are. She’s 18, nine years later. Oh my gosh, you are old, sister, you are. Your brother is teaching you what slang word is.
0:03:31 – Speaker 2
Yeah, it’s. true, right It’s bad.
0:03:36 – Speaker 1
Nine years have passed of parenting, social media and just trying to figure out oh my gosh, they’re so overexposed. How do I handle this as a parent? And I thought it would be a great idea to have her come on the show and tell you guys what we got right. But really also, I think there’s even more lessons in what we got wrong. So the first thing I think I need to say for this show is to prep it. I told her to be completely honest and direct and say really what she thinks. So that’s number one. Yeah, She’s smiling right now.
0:04:11 – Speaker 2
Permission Kids love permission. To be honest, yeah, i can’t get mad at me about this later, exactly.
0:04:22 – Speaker 1
So first question, because let’s start off nice What is something we got right, okay.
0:04:32 – Speaker 2
So I think this is a really big thing too that you guys got right.
You would push me to be my best always And you had high expectations of me, but you never pushed me so far that when I didn’t meet those expectations I was a wreck.
So I see that with a lot of my friends who have very strict parents who push them really hard to whether it’s like getting all A’s or like always making the team with it, if it’s like sports or I don’t know anything like that they just are always pushed to their limit, like past their limit, and H is completely wrecks their mental health, like it is not okay for them at all. And I think this really does vary by kid. So while some kids struggle with setting goals for themselves, i think it’s really important that, just as a parent, you maybe allow them to gauge their own abilities and make their own goals and you can push them to be like the best goals they can be. But ultimately, i think that’s what helped me most, because I honestly I’d say I’m more hard on myself than my parents are, just because they want me to do my best. So I give myself goals to do that.
0:05:43 – Speaker 1
Yeah, i mean, i would agree with that. Sometimes you’re harder on yourself. You know, i’ve said to you it’s fine if you’re going to be in high school and you just have that goal. I want to graduate with straight A’s, which I love, but I don’t want you to have a mental breakdown to achieve that goal.
0:05:58 – Speaker 2
Yeah, exactly Yeah. So I think that is something you guys have done really well is I am expected to do my best, but sometimes my best just isn’t going to cut it and I have to accept that, and that’s fine, let’s talk about that, because I think that’s one of the things that we have said over and over We’re not going to be mad at you if you’re giving it your best.
0:06:17 – Speaker 1
Now, if you’re up on social media all night long and that’s why you failed the test, that’s a different conversation. Yeah, so I’m feeling pretty good about my parenting right now and I’m ready for the dart that’s coming. Yeah, yeah. So what did we get wrong? Okay, here we go. Well, this is a less detrimental thing.
0:06:40 – Speaker 2
So I guess that’s good that you got all the important stuff right, but I think something that maybe could have helped is just about the idea of modesty.
So specifically when I was in middle school, you know those like knee long shorts that I mean good, yeah, like little kids should be wearing that because you don’t want to like sexualize little kids. But I was wearing those long like Capri type pants when I was in like seventh grade, and no shame if that is your style, but that was not my style and I did not enjoy it And I felt like I was kind of like dressed younger than I actually was, especially because I think I was pretty mature for my age, like mentally, and I didn’t really present that as much physically just in how I dressed. So I feel like it kind of set me back as far as developing my own style and like knowing like what I feel comfortable and confident in. And I think if I would have had that younger and not been as much focused on like oh, you need to like don’t show off your legs, blah, blah, blah, if it was less centered on that.
0:07:47 – Speaker 1
Okay, I wanted to, don’t try. No, I don’t know.
0:07:51 – Speaker 2
You weren’t that crazy, but you know that kind of mentality of like dressing younger. The thing is, once I got more into high school is when I started to experiment with fashion, which maybe was not the best, because that’s when I went through those weird phases of trying different looks and aesthetics or whatever. And of course, high school is when you’re documented most, and that was my more recent year. So those fashion choices they haunt me, they do, they do. So I wish I would have been given the opportunity to make those awful fashion mistakes earlier on, so I could also know more now what makes me confident, what makes me comfortable and what I like to wear.
0:08:33 – Speaker 1
So you know, we’ve talked a lot about this And I think, if I’m not mistaken, you did a little clip on our modesty show that Kim and I did about Matthew West. You came on that show and we talked about it, cause this has been kind of a big conversation in our home And I do think we got this wrong. I mean, in our defense, yes, you don’t want to sexualize your kids too early, but at the same time and I think that if you would have come out in eighth grade in something that was way highly sexualized, we would have said something. But I do feel like we should have allowed you to experiment with fashion a little bit earlier than we did, and you’re our firstborn and so you’re getting the right and the wrong of what we’re doing.
If I had another you know my son, he doesn’t really care about fashion and clothes, but if I had another girl, i would definitely change things up a bit. I would still be involved, i would still make sure they weren’t being crazy over the top, but I would. I would loosen the reins. I guess I was a little bit more strict. Mom came out with the clothes And I did it because really out of fear I saw all these things happening kids being sexualized and I didn’t want that for you. But it’s still no excuse, because it did kind of set you back, because I have seen and I’ve loved to watch as you’re able to make your own fashion choices. You’re becoming more confident in who you are and how you carry yourself And I think that’s really important for young girls to have that early.
0:10:05 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and on that I think we’ll touch on this a bit more later. But with that whole like experimenting thing, like trying different music, like that was a big thing. Like in middle school I did not really listen to music at all, i would just listen to like we would always have worship music on in the car, so like that was really all I was exposed to. So then once I entered high school and like more now as I’m like learning more about like what kind of music I like, it’s kind of more like I wish I would have learned earlier what I kind of like so that I could avoid all the bad songs that I’m listening to now trying to figure out what I enjoy.
0:10:45 – Speaker 1
Well, that’s kind of a double-edged sword though, because would you listen to the bad songs younger At least? now you’re a little bit older to process the bad songs, you know. But I get with you on this too. And here’s the thing I’m not big into music. I’m not a big music person.
Kim right now is like holding her head in shame as she’s listening to this one, because Kim does a really good job of dancing with her kids, her littles. I mean, she’ll be like we danced to Michael Jackson this morning and we did the. you know, that really didn’t happen in our home, because I’m just not a big music person And so I wish I could have gone back, because in your eyes, it made me like I was a strict. we can only listen to worship music When that really wasn’t it. I just am not a big music person, yeah, and so I think that’s a good thing for parents to be aware of. Okay, so we talked about something we did right, something we did wrong. Let me just throw out some topics and you tell me kind of how you think we did social media.
0:11:47 – Speaker 2
Okay. so personally, I think you did a pretty good job of social media. I mean, it’s what all your books are founded on, So I would hope you did good. Well, you were an experiment.
0:11:57 – Speaker 1
Yeah, that’s true, i was the lab rat. I was the lab rat. I did not know how it was gonna turn out, but praise God, he guided every step of the way. He knew what he was doing.
0:12:06 – Speaker 2
I got my phone like going into middle school, so like beginning of sixth grade or like summer of fifth grade, which I think was a pretty good time, because at that time it was really just a way to take pictures and text friends. But going into seventh grade, i’m pretty sure, is when I really got Instagram and started getting on social media. I feel like that was a pretty good time because I had already been able to prove in that year that I was capable of having a phone and not being addicted to it And I would still be able to like connect with friends like in person, without always being on my phone. So I feel like it’s good. I proved myself with a phone and with that responsibility before I got social media. So I think that was a good first thing. And then when I did get social media, it was a big thing of like communication, like let’s talk about what you’re seeing, so that I wasn’t overwhelmed by it all And I wasn’t like if I saw something that was like scarring, i was able to kind of ease it off my conscience, and it wasn’t if I was able to tell you about it.
It wasn’t as much of a thing of like oh my gosh, i saw this. Like I have to keep this a secret, like that’s so gross, that blah, blah, blah. If I was able to tell you about it. It was like oh, this is something I accidentally saw Here. You go Like just, i don’t want it. Get it away from me. Like how do I?
0:13:25 – Speaker 1
see less of this. It was like a way to remove it from your, where you don’t have to have sex. Yeah, exactly.
0:13:31 – Speaker 2
Kind of when you lay your head on the pillow at night And I didn’t feel ashamed about it, yeah, cause it was like it was an accident, like I didn’t mean to say it, but that’s bound to happen.
0:13:40 – Speaker 1
I think that’s where the avoid crazy parent mode really comes in handy, Cause I hated when you would bring me those things and show me what you were seeing. I hated that my little middle schooler saw that, but I couldn’t get mad. I learned to reward you Like thank you so much for telling me, instead of yelling or taking it away or saying this app is from the devil, No, no, no, you know silly things that I probably would have said before, but I had kind of tweaked my parenting to be like I want to encourage her to tell me more and more, And I think that worked really well for us And that was a God moment God’s showing me all of that.
0:14:16 – Speaker 2
Yeah, Open communication, boom keyword. That is your word. Cyber parenting in the online world through open communication. Yeah, i love it They make fun of me all day long, guys all day long.
Okay, okay, moving on from still a part of social media, so specifically with TikTok or those like video apps, i am very, very glad that TikTok was not a thing when I was in middle school. There was musically, but I never got on that really. But if TikTok was a thing when I was in middle school and I was on it, i would be completely different than I am today, and let me just share. So, about my junior year of high school last year, it was like during COVID, so I was home all the time and I did have TikTok.
I saw myself being completely influenced by everything I was seeing. So, whether it was like my identity, my beliefs, like my start, like everything, i just saw myself being kind of pulled away from the person I. I actually didn’t see it. My parents saw it and they pointed out, and I see it now, though, and that’s when I was 17. So imagine like a fourth grader seeing that today and like being exposed to all those different viewpoints and being expected to process that at their young age. I can’t even believe that’s a thing. So, parents, be wary of TikTok.
0:15:42 – Speaker 1
So you know, parents you’ve heard me say it over and over again TikTok was one of the last social media platforms that we covered with her. And again, let me talk about the order, because I say this at my events, we did one social media platform at a time. It wasn’t a free for all. She got four platforms all at once. That would have been way overwhelming and very difficult. So it went Instagram, snapchat, twitter and then TikTok. That was the order.
And when we got to TikTok and it was during COVID, so that could have played into it as well just that you maybe spent more time on it than you would have other social media platforms We did notice changes and it scared us. We had to be really careful with our response here. We couldn’t go in guns blazing and take away everything. I mean, she’s 17 at this point, right, she’s almost an adult And so this was a conversation of hey, you’ve had all these social media platforms and you’ve handled them amazing, but now something’s happening that we’re noticing.
And it took her a minute. She, i don’t think you understood right at first. Yeah, i didn’t, because you were in the moment of being changed by something, being influenced. I’m telling you every day prayer of Lord. Just speak to her heart, show my kid who she is. You know that kind of thing. And now we look back on it and we kind of chuckle a little bit. We even joke about, talk about, talk about what we were joking about with dad the other day when he was, when it got to the point where he was like I’m going to.
0:17:25 – Speaker 2
Yeah, there was a point eventually where I was bad guys. I had a little bit of a rebellious phase. I was bad, you weren’t bad, no, it was pretty bad to warrant. So it’s after you guys had a continuous conversation with me like you’re changing, blah, blah, blah. And then I started acting out blah, blah, blah, all this stuff. And my dad, he like came in one day. Something had set them off, something. I had been on my phone or something for too long And he was like that’s it No keys, no laptop, no phone, and I’m taking you to school tomorrow. And it was like I was registered as an online school person, like I can’t just go to school, i can’t just go to in-person school. It was terrifying. I will say That’s definitely that woke me up, but that was definitely a guns, a blaze in moment. But that was after there had been lots of conversation.
0:18:21 – Speaker 1
So I think it was warranted as I was kind of trying to get through to you And I think that’s a good thing for parents too. If, if dad would have done that always, you would have just rolled, oh yeah, because it would have been like but he’s never responded with that kind of like whoa, and It did kind of get your attention for a second, yeah. And then we all kind of came back down and said you know, we love you, we want the best for you, we’re just, we need you to see what we’re seeing and I was really proud of you in that moment. You made the decision to get off of tick tock for a little while.
0:18:55 – Speaker 2
It was nice. I felt like for a while I felt like there was kind of something lacking, which sounds really bad. It’s like I become reliant on it to like get me throughout the day and like give me that entertainment that I was needing. But I tried to. I ended up trying to turn to different sources. So if I felt myself like craving to go on tick tock, i would just like go outside or like try and read my Bible or read a book or something, just something more productive for my brain than scrolling for hours.
0:19:27 – Speaker 1
And it was a little hard at first but ultimately, like I know, like that is one of those things that like shaped who I am today And how I am today well and parents you know She was 17 and so she got off of it for a while And then she decided on her own when she was healthy enough to get back on it, and it she didn’t. She didn’t ask our Permission. We let her navigate that and I I think that’s where we kind of took our hands off the wheel for a minute, because we’re like she’s old enough, she’s seeing it for herself, let’s let her figure this out. And I think that was important to that. We weren’t trying to tell you every step of the way what you needed to do at this point. Now, if you were 12, it would have been a little different. We would have, we would have been more hands-on with it.
0:20:07 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and even now, like I have tick tock again now and it’s fun, like I like to make little videos with my friends. Like I went to prom the other day and me and my friend made some like Transition videos of like us getting ready, like you know, like fun stuff and I’ll scroll sometimes. But I found myself like I don’t need to be on it now. I don’t spend like hours and hours and hours every day just scrolling.
0:20:31 – Speaker 1
I think this is so good for our parents to hear from your perspective. And and also I Just need you to know, sometimes I get stopped at events and people are like, why is your daughter so perfect? and I’m not, she’s not perfect, i’m not, but, but this is the thing. I can’t share your story, you know. Like it’s not my story to share, i can’t say junior year was really hard or whatever, and so I’m really proud of you too that you’re willing to say that out loud and and admit Junior year was hard for us, and because I think that helps parents. No, teenage years are tough. They’re tough, right, i’m not a great navigator.
0:21:08 – Speaker 2
Yeah, preach, i am into that one.
0:21:12 – Speaker 1
Okay, so that was really good. I want to talk about something a little deeper your faith. What did we get right here and what did we get wrong? because we, we did get something drunk.
0:21:23 – Speaker 2
Yeah on on this, Yeah so first thing I’ll say is something I think you guys did really well is you would like put me in church, but you never forced Religion on me. I don’t, i don’t really feel like. When I was ready to make my own decision, i remember being like I don’t even know how old I was. We were at like a Mexican restaurant And I was like, hey, how do I go to heaven? and then dad led me in the prayer of salvation And it was like a really cool moment and I don’t know if in that moment I was thinking like, Yeah, like this is God, blah, blah, blah, or if it was just like I don’t want to go to hell, you know. But still, it was a thing of like you, let me make that decision for myself and be curious about it, rather than like, hey, say this prayer, you know. And so I was really grateful for that.
And then, you know, later on I had been going to youth group at our church, but eventually I just realized like it’s not my scene and At that point you kind of allowed me to search for my own youth group, one that I felt comfortable in, and And you never really forced me to go to one, because I think that would probably be a little. It would have been hard for me to be forced to go to a youth group Just because of the experiences I had had with them. But I ended up finding one and then We actually moved our entire family to that church, which is kind of cool. But that’s where we are now and I just love it. Since I had started like going there, i went there in like middle school and then beginning of high school and then around my sophomore year I started serving as like a leader at the youth group and I’ve been serving ever since and it is like Highlight of my week and I just love it so much.
0:23:04 – Speaker 1
So I think this is really important that she wasn’t happy at her youth group, that she was, and we talked about the importance of having a group of friends outside of school, that When drama at school happened, you had this, this friend group, at church, and so we talked about the importance of youth group and we encouraged her and we had suggestions. Here are some youth groups in our area where kids from your school may go. Why don’t you try these? But then we ultimately let her choose and I think that was a very and again She. We followed her. We followed her to this church. She brought us all. She moved our whole family out there. It was funny because she just started going to youth group and then she would want to go on Sunday mornings And we were at our other church and then we would flip-flop every other week for a while And then we were like this is crazy. Now we’re flip-flop, like she’s so engaged here, she loves everybody, she knows way more people at the church than I do literally, oh my gosh on Easter, bro.
0:24:06 – Speaker 2
well, on Easter we were like going through and we had it at this like big place and You know we were going through seeing everyone, yeah, and I literally everyone I saw it was like, oh my gosh, hi, like how’s your week? Like.
0:24:21 – Speaker 1
I knew everyone and I knew her mom.
0:24:23 – Speaker 2
Well, I work at the church now, which is a fun thing. I do childcare at my church, So I I have connections, you know. I know people well.
0:24:31 – Speaker 1
The other thing, too, about this also is, as much as I love next-talk and teenagers and all the things I remember saying to her Can I do a girls Bible study at the church with with teenagers? and What did you say to them?
0:24:46 – Speaker 2
No, and why did you say that? Okay, so for me being at my church and already having my own youth group that I’m kind of pouring into, i wanted to have my own thing, which it sounds kind of selfish that I’m saying it out loud.
0:25:02 – Speaker 1
No, it’s not selfish.
0:25:04 – Speaker 2
I don’t think it’s selfish, but it was like a thing of like this is like my group that I’m pouring into and I enjoy having it to myself and not having my parents like looking over my shoulder Oh, is my little angel? okay, You know, like that kind of thing.
0:25:19 – Speaker 1
This is critical. I think parents, they need their own space, they need their own people that they can go to when they don’t feel comfortable talking to you. I mean, i want her to come to me with everything I want her to feel, but I also want her to know if she’s struggling with something and she doesn’t, she’s not quite ready to tell me yet. She has adults, people in her life around her that she has friendships with outside of me, that I trust. I trust these leaders at our church, right, and so I think this is really important And so I honored that. But I think this is very important for us to honor their space. Like, let them have their own space. We don’t have to be in everything that they’re doing, especially as they’re in high school and growing up. They just need I know I keep saying it they need their space, yeah.
0:26:07 – Speaker 2
And we kind of saw that at our old church too, because we would do like the choir but like after choir we would have like youth group kind of thing but like for elementary school And like when we went to like kids camp and like that kind of stuff, like you were always my counselor, which was fun, like it was great. But I think as your kids get older they do need that independence, especially in their faith.
0:26:27 – Speaker 1
Well, and even as as camp counselor, i would say to you do you want me to, do you want me to sign up? And you would always say yes, and so I would. but I always felt like I needed to. not, i always felt like you needed the space. But I love that you kind of matured enough to say to me I need my space down, let me do my own thing at church. I think that was very good. So, so, with your faith, what is? what is something? we got wrong? Because we did get some stuff wrong.
0:26:52 – Speaker 2
So I would say the main thing we got wrong And I think this happens with a lot of Christians It’s just building Christianity into a routine And that doesn’t make your faith any less genuine.
But especially with kids who are growing up in the church and growing up with those very Christian parents, like getting that foundation And I know you want to put them in church, like do that, like that’s good, like pour into them.
But you need to be careful that it’s not just becoming a okay, we’ll go to church on Sunday, we’ll pray every night, we’ll we’ll listen to worship music in the car, and then they’re fine, you know, have conversations with them, but like don’t let it become a routine and like monotonous I think that’s the word I’m looking for Don’t let it become monotonous, because then, when they are in an experience or in a state where they really like the Holy Spirit is there, you know like he is present, he is moving, whatnot You don’t want them to be, be a good girl, yeah, literally.
You don’t want them to become like desensitized to it. And I found myself I found that happening with myself a lot with like you know, i’m always in church and I’m always listening to worship music, that it just didn’t really have an effect on me anymore, which is not really great because I want it to. You know, i want to be affected by the word. But when it becomes a routine of like just to check off the box, then when I am really trying to experience something, it’s really difficult for me to because it feels like I’m just trying to check a box.
0:28:25 – Speaker 1
And I think this is important, because this kind of stuff you kind of became desensitized to it. At the same time, tick, tock was exploding in your life. So you had all this new and then it was like, oh, just go to church and listen to the same worship song that I’ve heard at my house 500 times, and I know you and I have talked a lot about the music. She came to us. She came to us I think it was sophomore junior year and you were like I need you to not turn on the worship music all the time at the house. And even though I was like, oh, what? Like you know, in my, in my mommy brain, i heard Oh, my gosh, she doesn’t love Jesus anymore. That’s not what was she was communicating. What she was communicating was I can’t enjoy worship because I’ve heard this song 500 million times And so it’s not new to me And what she’s taught me is it became, she became desensitized to it because we would play it.
0:29:23 – Speaker 2
I would even become like irritated. Just you know, like you know, if you have a friend that has like a bad eating habit, you know they like chew with their mouth wide.
0:29:32 – Speaker 1
Yeah, like, oh my gosh chewing.
0:29:35 – Speaker 2
Another thing you guys did wrong is chewing loud. Oh my gosh, that’s the word. That is so bad, it’s like a cow, like it’s so bad He’s going to die when he does this. But yeah, just the thing of you know like anyone gets annoyed by those like little habits. It’s the same thing. When you hear something over and over and over again, it’s just it gets kind of frustrating, which I don’t want to be frustrated by it.
0:30:02 – Speaker 1
But Well, and this is where you’ve said you know, just having music on like Michael Jackson or you know Beyonce or you know Taylor Swift, whatever, just fun. Fun dance music in the background sometimes and having a dance party, instead of it always being we’re just dad and I are, i hate to say it, we’re just monotonous type people Like we just turn on the Christian channel when we’re at home and it’s playing in the background and that irritated her, and so giving your kid again the space to say this bothers me. Can we change this up? And we honored it. I remember the first time after she had told us that we had our Christian music going and we heard the garage door open and we both lodged. Really.
0:30:47 – Speaker 2
That’s hilarious. We’re like, we’re like, we’re like change it.
0:30:52 – Speaker 1
Change it. She’s coming in, she’s going to hate us.
0:30:54 – Speaker 2
Oh my gosh.
0:30:56 – Speaker 1
You know, it kind of became our joke, but we saw it and we heard it and we didn’t want to just keep shoving Christian music down, you know, and make you love it. This is your journey, this is your, your faith journey and it’s okay if you struggle a little bit. In fact, i’ve always told our listeners I think it’s great when your kid can tell you when they’re struggling with their faith, because that means you have a real relationship. It’s not like fake, like I’m going to do all these things because you want me to do these things.
0:31:27 – Speaker 2
And I would say even like, if your kid comes to you and is like hey, like I really don’t want to go to church, like I really don’t want to, because I know that happens a lot, i would encourage you, like stress the importance of being in person, because it is different than watching videos online. You know, being in that community, you know that verse or two or more gathered, you know.
You know, yeah, but two or more, two or more but being in that community is different than watching a video. But I mean you could still offer alternative forms. You know there’s podcasts there’s, you know videos all over YouTube. The Bible app has these like Bible, like study plans that they do, and it’s like a like daily thing. You can like choose different things and collaborate collaborate with your friends, and I do that sometimes, like my friends from my youth group, my leadership team, like we’re doing a study right now And you just like text up the link and then you can like join the thing. It’s so fun.
0:32:25 – Speaker 1
Yeah, one of the things, especially if she’s gotten older and you know, sometimes she’s gotten busy and been tired and not wanted to go to church or whatever. I’ve just reminded her. Look, i just want you taking in good godly material, because I know, being out in the world, we’re taking in all the stuff and all the opinions and it’s hard to filter through all that, and so I just need you your intake. What is what are you in taking that’s good and healthy right now? And that’s kind of been my question to her. And there have been seasons where she loved podcast, christian podcast, kirby Minnick is she got married, right? What’s her name? now She got her name Kirby Kelly, i think Kirby, yeah, she was one that that you would listen to And you read some books, you know that were helpful too.
You did Bible studies every now and then when she was kind of not wanting to go to church, so finding other ways to fill their cup and get them, you know, realizing that Jesus is the answer, because they will be able to see the difference. I mean, i, if we’re honest, i know when I’m not in the word, my attitude comes out more. I’m snippy, i’m just more fleshly. Mandy, right, you know you’re not in your head.
0:33:37 – Speaker 2
Oh yeah, we know.
0:33:41 – Speaker 1
And the same thing with our kids. they need to see the difference This is when I’m, you know, fleshly and worldly And I’m I don’t have that God foundation versus this is how I act when I have that. Okay, last thing dad couldn’t join us today, but What do you think he did right in? because he brings a different dynamic to our relationship and our family. What did he get right? What did he get wrong?
0:34:10 – Speaker 2
I would say a good thing. He balanced out your intenseness sometimes just because, ok, ok, calm down, because I think a lot of times you want to turn everything into a life lesson. We see the lot, we joke about that a lot. Yeah, you guys make fun of me about that.
I’ll say anything and you’ll say, well, this is a perfect example of blah, blah, blah all the time, all the time. But you know it’s bad, it’s bad. But dad kind of balances that out a lot with. I mean, he’ll make jokes and he’ll make jokes about that specifically. But yeah, a lot of times when you want to go all like nextTalk parent or what do you call crazy mom mode, whatever, yeah, he balances out with a lot of calmness And I think a lot of that comes from, like you tend to be more emotional and he’s just not So I think having a kind of dynamic like that is very beneficial. That doesn’t necessarily mean mom played the bad parent, dad played the fun parent. That is not what I’m saying, because that is not, that is not healthy. You do not want to. You do not want your kids to label you as the strict parent and the fun parent, because that will always cause tension. I would not label either of you as either, because you’re both, equally, can be strict and you both, equally, can be really fun.
0:35:32 – Speaker 1
OK, that’s a really good point to make. I think dad did a really good job of when and in my defense, i do nextTalk everything to death. Yeah, i think, because I see the worst of the work, like I’m working with crisis families, right, and so I see where TikTok can take a child, and so when I saw it impacting you just a little, i was like oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, what’s going on here, you know, so I get like super nextTalkie about it.
But I think where dad has been so great is when he, when he sees me being that intense and serious with you guys, with teachable moments, all the time, he’s pulled me. You probably don’t even know this, but he’s pulled me aside, like at night when it’s just he and I, and said listen, what you had to say was really important. But I don’t think in that moment they were ready to hear it and you should have just kind of backed away. You were being a little too intense And so maybe wait until it’s a better time or maybe wait until they’re in a better mindset to have this conversation, and that has really helped me a lot. He brings a lot to the table with that, making sure I’m not vomiting nextTalk on you all the time Well and I think it’s good that he.
0:36:47 – Speaker 2
I didn’t know he did that, but I think it’s good that he waits till after because I can promise if he would have said that stuff like in front of us, i totally would have blown you off like totally Yeah.
0:36:57 – Speaker 1
I lose credibility right, i mean it’s you lose credibility. So so, husbands, why? you know, be careful with this. You don’t want to call Now. There’s been some situations where, if I’m going crazy, he’ll be like hey, it’s all right, you know, we’ll take a step back and then we’ll talk about it later, but for the most part, we do all of that, correcting each other behind closed doors, yeah. And the other thing is the dad filter. We’ve talked about the dad filter. I’ve had a, because dad is not on social media And so sometimes he doesn’t know what’s happening out there and trending as much, and so he’ll say something and I’ll be like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we need to have a conversation, yeah.
0:37:39 – Speaker 2
And again, that really varies by person. That’s not every dad, you know, yeah, but um.
0:37:45 – Speaker 1
But I think he’s become a great listener.
0:37:47 – Speaker 2
Yeah, he has. I think he’s gotten really good at moving with the times, understanding like well, I’m being fluid, He’s told me.
0:37:55 – Speaker 1
I. She teaches me a lot, she teaches me a lot. I mean, i have a lot to learn, and I think that’s important that parents and kids both understand we can learn from each other, because y’all are growing up in a totally different world, so you have a lot to teach us about your world, and we grew up in a time when we didn’t have all the opinions, and so there is some wisdom and biblical stuff that we can pass on to you guys, but it’s a two way street for sure. Yeah, okay, bad thing. Now right, yes, i forgot about that. I was going to end the show. No, no, bad thing, don’t get away that easy.
Okay, i would say you are in for it.
0:38:33 – Speaker 2
I would say a bad thing is probably the level of overprotectiveness that was kind of thrown on me by dad, and I mean you did it too, but my dad is just, you know, very paranoid, overprotective person, which is reasonable, i know it kept me safe, but I feel like at certain times it did keep me from experiencing certain things because I was either scared of, like what could happen or I was scared of what he would think about me, that I was like being so reckless and like not reckless, not at all, literally, just like like middle school things.
0:39:13 – Speaker 1
Yeah, i see this and I have actually seen him well, both of us really be so overprotective and then realize, okay, this is not helpful, we have to back off of this. And I know he’s even, you know, come to you in your high school years and kind of said I was really overprotective or I, this is okay, it’s okay if you do this or if it’s okay if you experience this or just normal teenage stuff. Right, yeah, that we were a little bit more overprotective. Okay, so I get that.
0:39:44 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I could remember in like middle school, like going to sleepovers, like going to friends’ houses, and it being like no, no, no, no, no, no. We’re not ready for that. But like bro, if there’s no like clear danger, just let me do my thing, you know.
0:40:01 – Speaker 1
So this was this is a perfect example of me hearing nextTalk stories of awful things that happen at sleepovers and projecting that on you And you guys. It got to a point a couple of years ago I had to go to counseling for it because I had to make sure that I wasn’t throwing all this horrible stuff that I was hearing and seeing on the front lines with nextTalk on my kids And I really had to separate the two And I think all parents kind of have to separate the two. I mean, i know you’re not doing the work that I’m doing for a job, but you are exposed to it through social media, just like I am. You’re exposed to all the horror stories on social media And so we tend to throw all that fear and overprotection on our kids and we have to be really careful with it.
Some of it is warranted, but I think it’s through conversations like prepping them. So we would prep you in the sense of when you started driving, if you’re ever in a parking lot and somebody approaches you like, what do you do? And it wasn’t to scare her go shop at night, go, you know, get gas at night, it’s fine, you need to do these things, but be prepared for anything. That’s kind of sus Sus.
0:41:12 – Speaker 2
Oh, my God.
0:41:14 – Speaker 1
I knew you were going to make fun of me, sus, don’t, even Don’t.
0:41:17 – Speaker 2
This is another thing.
0:41:20 – Speaker 1
My kids always make fun of me when I use their slang. Always Like this is a thing in our home, right Pog.
0:41:26 – Speaker 2
No, no, absolutely not.
0:41:29 – Speaker 1
That’s what our son says It’s like, it’s like cool epic right.
0:41:34 – Speaker 2
Pog, okay Yeah.
0:41:34 – Speaker 1
Whatever, they make fun of me all the time. Okay, honey, this is a great thing. Honey, this is a great show. I really feel like this is going to help parents, coming straight from you, what we got right, what we got wrong when you struggled, how we helped get you back on track a little bit. Is there anything else that you want to add to? we got parents of young kids, of teenagers, listening on the show.
0:42:01 – Speaker 2
I think I’d probably just say no matter what your kid’s situation is, if you know they’re spiraling or whatever, just don’t assume you understand what’s going on. Parents, you may think you know because you’ve lived it, but I promise you have not lived it. You have not lived in this world And it is so much different than anything you’ve really experienced. So just talk to your kids, try to understand what’s going on, but know that you really can’t. You just have to try and help them through it.
0:42:33 – Speaker 1
Man, that’s a powerful word, and so we’re just going to end it there. I feel like you said my term of open communication, but said it way better than I ever have.
0:42:41 – Speaker 2
0:42:42 – Speaker 1
All right, guys, thanks for joining us. And honey, next step, we’re moving you to college. Okay, I’m going to cry.
0:42:50 – Speaker 2
Don’t cry, you’re fine.
0:42:53 – Speaker 1
Maybe we’ll do a follow up show at college and check in on you and see how you’re doing. I don’t know.
0:42:58 – Speaker 2
Yeah, that’d be fine.
0:42:59 – Speaker 1
Okay, thank you so much for being here today, of course.
Transcribed by https://podium.page