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Today on the show we’re talking about abuse and, before you turn it off or change your mind, we particularly named the show a topic for everyone and we’re going to talk a little bit about why It’s a topic for everyone in a minute, but we really want to dive into this four-week series Because we feel like it’s important for parents, it’s important for moms, dads, everyone to know about the different parts of abuse and The different aspects of why it’s important for us to have information about it. We have a special guest today. Her name is Kim. Hello, not me, kim, another.
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Kim, kim, kim a and Kim B, two cams and a Mandy. Yeah, i’m the weird one today, always the weird. We’re always the weird one. Who are we kidding?
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and Kim Has been a part of the nextTalk for a very long time, and we want to share a little bit about how we got to this point.
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Yeah, kim, take a minute and introduce yourself. You’ve been on the radio program before, but just your Husband. How long you guys have been married, having kids? you have just a brief introduction.
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My husband and I have been married for 22 years 23 this summer. I have three kiddos my daughters are 20 and 18 and my son is closely approaching 13.
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He’s good at it.
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So yeah, i, i mean I’ve been with nextTalk for a long time now and, yeah, several years.
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I remember One day Years ago, we all sat around a table at one of our friends house and was sharing our stories like our testimonies, like our lifelong, like what’s happened to you, and I remember hearing your story and it just had a profound impact on me, like I just thought to myself. This is gonna be a story that every person needs to hear, like every parent really is what I really thought, because for me, i grew up and I had no sexual abuse in my past. I was not a victim and I was did not experience it, so I feel like it’s not on my radar with my kids, right like I don’t know what to look for. I don’t know what the signs are. I don’t have this passion to protect my kids from it because I don’t know it, and so you know. This is really why we we said this is a topic for everyone. Even if you have not been affected personally by this Right, you need to know How it happens and what it, what it means and how to talk to your kids about it.
0:02:59 – Speaker 1
Yes, and I think we’re gonna talk about that a lot during the series. I know I’m very passionate about people who do have abuse in their past and how it affects how you parent your children and protecting them, because when you, when you do have children, you start to see it through a different lens and and it changes the way you parent, and So it’s also important, i think, for parents who, like you just said, don’t have any abuse in their past. I think it’s still important to hear these things we’re gonna talk about because it helps you see how early you can start these conversations and help protect your kiddos or your spouse may be the person who has abuse in their past and you do not, and you have to kind of come together on How you’re gonna parent from each of your perspectives, which was my case, because my husband doesn’t have any kind of abuse in his past.
0:03:56 – Speaker 3
So and I think you will be able to attest also to there. There are people who have been abused in some way, shape or form, yes, who don’t even realize it, and so this may be a light bulb moment for them listening to these shows, hearing some of the stories that you share.
We’re even bringing in a counselor on the third show to talk about some of those signs and things to look for, and so this may be a chance for someone to say wait a minute, that that’s me. I see myself in your stories, right, and I think we.
0:04:23 – Speaker 1
I want to be clear that We realize that people listening this may bring to the surface some things that That are from their past, that they haven’t dealt with, that they haven’t talked about. I completely understand that, because I tucked it away in a cute Little box for a long time and didn’t touch it And this. So this, our conversations these next few weeks can be Triggering for people and and cause some, and so I think that’s why it’s important to have the counselor on the show And I always tell people have somebody to talk to. It’s very, very healing. But a professional to help you walk through it is extremely important.
0:05:00 – Speaker 4
Well, it’s been. It’s been cool for me just to see a little glimpse in the last couple years About how God has just embalmed you to take this story out. You know, to share this story. It’s been. I think it’s been really neat for our next top team to pray over this and it’s and just watch your obedience and your courage. It’s been inspiring, and so you know we want these shows to be empowering. You know, if you’ve struggled, You’re not a victim, your survivor, I The survivor right.
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I tell people that now, when I share my story, i don’t call myself a victim anymore. I survived something.
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I’m a survivor.
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I remember hearing and I don’t know where I heard it years ago someone said when you can tell your story without crying, it means you’ve healed that wound And so being able to do it without crying, I was like, oh, maybe I’m healed.
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And it’s a process to go over, it’s a total process.
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It doesn’t mean I don’t get triggered Doesn’t mean I don’t go right back to that little girl I was years ago at times, but I can share it. And from a point of let me help someone else with this, what can I do to help someone else with this story?
0:06:06 – Speaker 4
We got a lot to dig into on this, there’s so much. There’s so much because you know, just saying you’re not a victim anymore, you’re a survivor. My mind went to, but there’s a time that you have to say I’m a victim, Like you have to own that, And then you have to walk through that. It’s a process all the time.
0:06:20 – Speaker 1
Yes, And it’s not just sexual abuse. I think anyone who’s suffered any kind of abuse, any kind of trauma, anything like that that you’re healing from it’s the same kind of feeling. You can always be taken back there to that place very easily. That’s why I think that’s one of the things we’re going to talk about is how to know what triggers you and how to handle it Absolutely.
0:06:43 – Speaker 4
Well, you know we said that this is a show for everyone. We want to start out with some statistics So you guys can really understand the scope of what we’re talking about here. These statistics are from the CDC. One in three women and one in four men experience some sort of sexual abuse involving physical contact during their lifetimes. That number is staggering, because that is also just the amount of people reporting. I mean, i think, about the people who haven’t reported or don’t even realize it’s abuse.
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Every time I hear those statistics, i always think it’s more.
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I know it’s more.
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Because there’s so many that don’t say anything.
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And it says normally one in eight who reported it occurred before the age of 10. Ok, so it is starting early, and we are actually seeing this more and more. I kind of feel like the research just isn’t keeping up, because kids are so much seeing pornography that it’s playing into this. I mean, we’ve got child on child sexual abuse happening now You know where. Before it was more adult on child. But that’s a whole new area too, and so this is a topic that we all need to know about and know the signs and know what to look for.
0:07:57 – Speaker 3
Yes, there’s so many types of abuse. Also, i think immediately people go to sexual abuse And, like you said, they’re thinking of an adult on a child, and we wanted to make clear that today we’re going to be talking about all types of abuse. We’re going to be sharing your story, kim, where you are. We really appreciate you being brave to open up and share what you walked through, but this process of bringing it into the light is something that you have to go through, no matter what type of abuse that you have experienced or no matter what type of abuse. We’re talking about protecting your kids from There’s contact and non-contact abuse And I think people haven’t even heard that term a lot of times Right, i think people immediately you think of the touch the contact I think of rape assault Like that’s where I go in my mind.
0:08:49 – Speaker 1
And that’s one other thing that I know the three of us have had this conversation about. the word abuse. it has a very negative connotation. You automatically think, like you just said, rape, something violent. And I think I know for me and my experience, as I got older and did hear the word sexual abuse, i minimized my own abuse because I didn’t get sent to the hospital, i wasn’t bloodied and bruised and it wasn’t violent. So I think it’s real important for people to understand that sometimes abuse feels good And that’s even more confusing for a child to understand that it’s something wrong that’s happening to them. I think you get that feeling of something’s off, something’s not quite right, but I don’t know how to put my finger on this. And grooming is a whole other aspect of this. But yeah, the abuse the word is difficult.
0:09:42 – Speaker 4
So in a child’s mind who is being abused? maybe they’ve been manipulated by someone they know. I think that’s often the case And then the touch feels good, because it’s a biological thing for certain things to feel good. And so then when a parent says, watch out for child abuse or abuse.
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Or if someone hurting you don’t let anyone hurt you, the kid is thinking well, that’s not hurting me. In your mind, hurt is a completely different thing Because this
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is my coach, or this is my pastor who I adore Or a family member, and it feels good when they touch me, so they’re not equating that that is abuse, because in their mind, abuse is violent and awful And it can be that It can be all of those things.
0:10:24 – Speaker 1
It’s just understanding how to talk about it or how to question a child, i think is a very different thing, like understanding that a kid’s brain doesn’t wrap around the word abuse or hurt or anything, when what they’re dealing with may feel good And someone that they trust and feel safe with and love is touching them in a way that they don’t understand.
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They’ve been manipulated, How to process it?
0:10:52 – Speaker 3
They don’t know how to label it Right exactly The reason we do everything here is to protect kids, and so by sharing your story and by us going into, especially in our fourth show in the series, we’re going to talk about what some of those conversations look like. And you’re also going to share what those look like with your kids. And we want to give you some real, tangible tools so that you can ask the right questions, you can know what to look for, and then it’s not just this kind of open conversation.
We really are going to dig in and give you some specific things to know so that you have tools to help your kids.
0:11:24 – Speaker 4
So we talked about contact and non-contact And I feel like we kind of covered the contact. Can we talk about the non-contact?
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I’m just going to say we didn’t really get into that.
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I know when we started talking about this. You know, for me I don’t have this past, and so I had a lot of questions about this. Well, what do you mean? non-contacts, right, explain this to me.
0:11:40 – Speaker 1
And I think a lot of people feel that way Like I didn’t really think of non-contact abuse being a thing for a long time, but anytime a child is shown a pornographic picture or video or told explicit stories with sexual details, anything like that is also a form of abuse. that’s called non-contact abuse. So kind of what we talk about with nextTalk with online predators and those kinds of things. that would be a form of non-contact abuse. when someone online is trying to get a kid to take a nude or sharing a video that’s sexually explicit, any of those kinds of things, and I don’t think we’ve talked about that or really thought about that as a form of abuse.
0:12:25 – Speaker 4
You know, i talked to a lady once and her parents were separated but one of them was having affairs And they constantly was like she would be taken to bars and watched in all of this stuff and graphic things like watched. you know people having sex It changes a child. That’s like a non-contact type of situation is what you’re saying, where they’re exposed to this stuff.
0:12:52 – Speaker 1
Something that they shouldn’t be exposed to, that’s completely inappropriate for their age, and it’s nothing that they can process at that age Right.
0:13:02 – Speaker 4
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0:13:32 – Speaker 2
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0:14:04 – Speaker 3
There’s two Kims today and a Mandy. Two Kims and a Mandy. What was that movie? It’s a new thing.
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Three Men and a Beauty. Three Men and a Beauty Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, a little different, a little different Two. Kims and a Mandy.
0:14:17 – Speaker 3
We’re diving into a four part series on abuse and we have Kim here because she’s going to be sharing her story with us. We started out today talking about the different types of abuse, because there’s contact abuse, non-contact abuse, and that’s one of the reasons we wanted to do this series is to clear up some of the misconceptions, to give you tools which we’re going to work through throughout the series, talk with a counselor and also give you Kim’s perspective on even just the word abuse and what abuse means and why it’s important for us as parents, men and women, to know about this, because the statistics are staggering. We mentioned that Right.
0:14:56 – Speaker 4
Well, and the abuse of men is really increasing at a rapid rate. I mean, i read those CDC statistics one in three women and one in four men. It’s not just a woman’s issue anymore. Not at all.
0:15:08 – Speaker 1
And people don’t talk about it and don’t share their stories. So I think that’s why we think the statistics are getting bigger and bigger, something that’s always gone on, it just hasn’t always been talked about and shared.
0:15:21 – Speaker 3
So, kim, let’s dive into your story a little bit We want to hear from beginning to end. Share with us about what happened with you.
0:15:29 – Speaker 1
I was sexually abused when I was elementary school ages. It started in early elementary school. As an adult, I remember looking back and having to remember what school I went to or what house we were living in at the time to try to figure out the rates.
It was someone I trusted. It was someone I had been taught was safe and someone I was to love, and Grooming was very Slow and made me feel special and let’s play this game because I love you and those kinds of things I also want to mention. Bad situations can happen in places that seem very safe.
That’s so good I remember one specific time in particular that it was broad daylight, middle of the afternoon, and we were in a bedroom with the door open, people all just right down the hall in another room. So I think a lot of times we think of sexual abuse happening in the dark, scary places or with the Scary-looking stranger. Yes, this was not. I think a lot of abuse happens in, in places where you because it doesn’t really send off any warning signals. No one’s coming out of a dark, scary-looking basement or closet or anything. It’s just right out there in the open and can very quickly be hidden and it doesn’t look like anything Alarming, doesn’t put off as many, i think, warning signals for the other, like a parents or adults who are around. So that’s kind of how how my story went And when I was young I didn’t tell Because I didn’t, like we talked about earlier. I didn’t have the words, i didn’t have the language, i didn’t have an understanding of what this was that was happening. Again, it was someone I trusted and felt safe with.
I Remember feeling like maybe something wasn’t right, like I remember that feeling of I didn’t want anyone to catch This happening or because I felt like I was gonna be in trouble for doing something wrong. I remember getting the The talk from my mom, my sister and I both about being young ladies and sitting a certain way in a dress and you’re too old to you know Sproul out on the floor if you’re wearing a skirt, those kinds of things, and thinking, okay, i don’t want to get in trouble for doing something wrong. And then when I finally did open my mouth and talk about it was with my best friend at the time in elementary school And I said so what great fourth or what do you think in a? Um, i think I was probably by that time was like fourth grade.
I was getting older and it was kind of something that was kind of tugging at me, making me think, okay, i, something’s not right here, so this has probably been going on. It had been going on for a while. Yes, um, and you know I was never the kid to keep a secret, which is really weird.
0:18:34 – Speaker 3
I was a talker. That’s good to know.
0:18:39 – Speaker 4
Yeah, that’s why you’re in it nextTalk.
0:18:42 – Speaker 1
Seriously, i was like the informer in my house. It was now my son In my house, but I was that kid who just couldn’t wait to tell whatever the big news was, or the story, or blab all about my day. When I got home, i was a talker.
0:18:56 – Speaker 4
So parents, we need to take alert of that.
0:18:58 – Speaker 3
Yes, i had a mom say that the other day She said I don’t have to worry because my daughter is the talker. And she tells me everything, so I know she would never keep a secret. So that is so important.
0:19:09 – Speaker 1
Yes, but I was the talker and I had a very big secret. Wow, and I still hate the word secret, but and I know we’re gonna talk some more about safe secrets and unsafe secrets But in this I think I do need to say a Person that you trust who asks you to keep something secret That can make that person no longer a safe person. I think parents need to share that with children, because had I known at that early age, okay, this is someone I trust and I love, but there’s this secret here that I think I need to tell people about. You know what I mean. Like I didn’t have the language, so I ended up telling my best friend And I think I said something to the point of well, it’s like We’re, i’m his girlfriend, but he’s so much older.
0:20:01 – Speaker 4
Like it didn’t make sense, you know, because it by that time there were little boys and girls, that would be girlfriend And you’re just on the playground with this girl, right? I’m just on the playground chatting, trying to let this out.
0:20:11 – Speaker 2
0:20:12 – Speaker 1
I said I was the talker holding on to a secret so it was trying to burst out of me But right, someone I felt safe with.
Yeah, she was my best best friend And I will never forget. She was so matter-of-fact and not shocked at all by what I had said. Hmm, and she said something like, oh, you mean like when they take you into this room and dot dot dot, and she had experienced a very similar thing. So I remember in my little kid mind going, oh well, that happens to everybody, so this is normal, and I stopped talking.
0:20:46 – Speaker 4
I Remember the first time you shared that with me and I was speechless like I was. Like that breaks my heart in so many pieces. Right, that you have. I mean I’m just picturing two little girls in the playground.
0:21:00 – Speaker 1
And this is their normal about sexual abuse and they don’t even know that.
0:21:04 – Speaker 4
That’s what it is, and it’s right and it’s normal to both of them because it’s a. It just breaks my heart.
0:21:11 – Speaker 1
Right. So in that moment that was my kind of like oh okay. So this little feeling in me that’s feeling like something’s off. Same thing happened to my friend, so this must happen to everybody, or?
everybody has these girlfriend, boyfriend, relationships like this, and so I didn’t talk about it. And then I remember later in life learning about well, of course, learning about sex, but then learning about abuse and hearing the word molestation and going what in the world, and at that point I became angry. I became angry at the person who did this to me. I became, i mean, and I’m getting older, so hormones and things start to kick in too but I was not. I just remember being really, really angry.
Because you finally realized I was abused, Because I finally had this realization was this wasn’t something that was supposed to happen to me, this little feeling that I’ve had inside me all this time, thinking something’s off and something doesn’t feel right. I was right.
0:22:20 – Speaker 3
Yes, and as an adult, i finally start to have the words and start to see the signs and the language. You have the language and you label it and then it’s like then what do you do with it?
0:22:31 – Speaker 1
Yes, and so one of the things I do wanna say for parents is I was testing it out on my friend. Sometimes kids will test it out on their parent When you feel like they’re having a really hard time, it’s embarrassing or awkward, or they’re telling you about a quote unquote friend. They may be trying to test it out and say tell you something scary that’s happened to a friend or something. As parents, we need to stay really calm in that moment Because they’re testing our reaction to see if it’s safe to go on and maybe tell you something. So if your child is coming to you with something about their friend or I heard this or I saw this on television, things like that I think it’s important to just get them to share and stay really, really calm, and I always say always believe and never minimize.
0:23:30 – Speaker 4
I always believe, never minimalize. That’s really good advice. And when your kids come to you and even it may just be this adult asked me to keep a secret They cussed in front of me. It may be something simple, Like you’re like that’s that needs to be a red flag alert in your brain.
0:23:45 – Speaker 2
But again it goes back to that secrets conversation that we’re gonna dive into.
0:23:49 – Speaker 4
We’re gonna dive into more of that. You know I know we only have a few more minutes left on this show, but I wanna talk just a minute about that light bulb moment Because I told you recently I was reading the Jackie Hill Perry book good gay girl, good God, and she had a similar moment. She was watching Oprah Oh yeah And she didn’t know she had been abused And she saw a victim on Oprah saying about her abuse And it was like that moment where she stood in her kitchen and she was like, oh my gosh, that’s what it was. But she didn’t. She said the exact same thing in her book that you have been saying to me for years I didn’t have a word for it, i did not have a label for it And sometimes parents I think we need to know this They’re not telling us because they don’t have the words for it, they don’t know how. They don’t know how?
0:24:38 – Speaker 1
I mean. you don’t even understand what it is that’s happening and it’s so confusing. And the grooming is manipulation. You were being manipulated to feel like this is okay, or I love you, or whatever it is that the abuser is saying or doing to convince the child that this is okay or to keep the secret. There’s so many things there that your child brain just cannot process.
0:25:07 – Speaker 3
When there’s long lasting effects of that into adulthood. I mean that even as an adult, to process that and be able to communicate it effectively, exactly, it’s a long journey. We’re gonna dive more into your light bulb moment. We’re gonna talk about how this has affected you as a mom, parenting, what that looks like for you.
0:25:25 – Speaker 1
What that has looked like too. It touches on everything, all relationships.
0:25:30 – Speaker 3
Thanks, kim, for being with us today. Thank you for having me.
0:25:34 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, The Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page