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0:00:37 – Speaker 1
As I was writing my second book, i realized I have learned a lot over the years about pornography, how it’s changed and the detrimental effects of it. I texted Kim the other day and I was like I want to do an updated show because I feel like we have a lot more to share And a lot of these things I share in my new book but I want to put it out there in a podcast because I think it’s so important. Pornography is one of the biggest things our kids face today. I don’t think we often realize that.
0:01:05 – Speaker 2
Well, pornography has always been around. It’s changed, though, in two really big ways, and that’s something we want to address today. One, technology has made porn incredibly easy to access anytime, anywhere. And then, number two, the type of pornography available online today is totally different from the porn that existed when we were kids, which sounds weird, like you know, our porn versus now porn, but it’s true.
0:01:28 – Speaker 1
I know we have talked to our husband’s, kim, about what it was like to get a Playboy magazine or something. You know, and how it was like a covert operation. You know, meet me by the bus. You know, back up three steps. Take it from one backpack to the other backpack Right, it was all this work. And then, taking it home, sneak it from the backpack into your bedroom under the mattress. I took a lot of work to see a picture. Now our kids can be sitting next to us on the family sofa curled up in a ball. You know their screens are so little they can have the screens like right there hidden between a pillow, they can have air pods in and they can literally be streaming a pornography video.
0:02:16 – Speaker 2
Totally different than when we were kids. That would have never happened, and so the access is so simple that it’s almost hard for them not to come across some type of pornography, whereas, like you said, it was a covert, very specific operation in order to access it. back in the day and the olden times.
0:02:35 – Speaker 1
Well, and I remember specifically in college, being exposed to the back door of the video store. You know where the bad stuff was. The porn was, oh yes, when you had to have a photo ID to get in. You know that’s me as a college student. That was like my first exposure to that. And now I mean we get calls at nextTalk. Five, six, seven years old, they’re seeing pornography videos on their screens with a click of a button.
0:03:03 – Speaker 2
So access has definitely changed, and you know another way that porn has changed is a growing number of girls are watching it. I’ve noticed this trend. you’ve noticed this trend, mandy, through all the stories that we hear. It’s not just a boy thing anymore.
0:03:15 – Speaker 1
It really isn’t. I mean girls are watching it because they’re curious, they want to know what the boys are watching. I mean they want to know about sex, and if they don’t have a safe place, that’s their go to Like. It’s almost become their encyclopedia. That’s scary to say, but it has. And so this is a big issue And I think a lot of people what they don’t realize is the type of pornography has changed too, that they’re watching, and a lot of times, you know especially and I hate to be stereotypical here, but I’m just going to say it because I want to be honest with our listeners especially when I talk to dads a lot of time they’ll be like Well, you know what’s a big deal.
I watched a little and you know I grew out of it and it’s okay, okay. So the type of porn that you watched as a kid is very different than what your kids are watching today. So let’s talk about this for a minute. One of the things that we all have always seen with porn is women being objectified. That has always been an issue. You know it promotes the rape culture. Do we need consent? because it’s showing rough sex with women, but a new trend is the victimization of boys. So in 2019, one of the most common search terms on porn hub was anal sex. This is going to affect our boys, and when you combine a young child seeing this and having no conversations about sex, it creates a lot of confusion, so it’s something that we really need to be aware of.
0:04:49 – Speaker 2
I think it’s really important here to talk about first exposure, because I hear this a lot from moms and kids who are seeing gay porn or they’re seeing different types of group pornography or all object pornography, all the different things that are out there and available at the tip of their fingers. Now their kids are questioning their sexuality because of it And that’s because a lot of times this is their first exposure to pornography And they don’t have that conversation basis there with parents, with you and I, because we’re afraid to broach the topic. So this is the first time that they’re seeing it. And then their body responds And then they think Oh well, why am I feeling these kind of good feelings inside when I see two boys together or a group together or whatever it is they see? And so, like you said, mandy, it’s so confusing to them when they see that for the first time.
0:05:39 – Speaker 1
This is what I mean, like it’s not just about seeing a bad image or inappropriate picture or video. I mean there’s a whole slew of problems this can cause for our kids And I’m so glad you brought this up. I share a story in my new book and I have permission to share this anonymously to protect the family. I was contacted a year or so ago from a parent. Her child had come out and said you know, i’m lesbian. And so mom contacted me and said What, what do I do with this? And I was like Well, love your kid, make sure you love your kid. And I just want you to press into some conversations about why. You know, why is there this revelation? Why do you feel this way? And you’re just, you’re not being judgmental, you’re just trying to get context for why she’s decided that she’s going to be a lesbian. Mom did that And several months went by, conversations, lots of late night conversations.
One night what came about was kids, said. Young girl said I’ve been watching pornography And when I watch men and women on a video, the man is always so rough and awful to the woman I don’t ever want that. But when I watch the female on female, it’s softer, it’s not as brash, you know, and so she had labeled herself as this because of the pornography she was watching. Mom didn’t even know she was watching pornography, and so I do want to make a disclaimer Not every kid who questions their sexuality has seen pornography.
We are not saying that and we are not making a blanket statement. We can’t say that. But what we are saying is pornography is causing kids to question their sexuality. We have worked with these families and we are seeing this firsthand, and so being able to talk to your kids about what to do when porn pops up, it protects them from so much, you know, from looking at girls and boys as objects, from questioning their sexuality, from, you know, having future dysfunctions, because what they see on a screen they want to replicate in real life and they don’t realize that’s not a real relationship. I mean, there’s so many endless things that pornography causes that we need to make sure we know, And when we know that, then we want to protect our kids from it. We’re like, okay, what can we do?
0:08:09 – Speaker 2
right, but we need to understand why it’s changed And I think it scares a lot of parents because all we hear about is addiction, pornography, addiction, and that’s talked about a lot more widely and openly, and that is a huge problem, and that is one to add to the list that you gave, mandy. But if we’re not talking to our kids about all the other things, if we’re scared to explain to them about all the things that lead to addiction or abuse or relationship issues or all the other things, then we can’t protect them from any of it. And so it’s important that we are open and candid with our kids about these super difficult topics and explaining to them about pornography even though it’s hard for a lot of us to even say the word. That’s how we save our kids.
0:08:52 – Speaker 1
Well, and I’ve got another story, and this one’s hard to hear too, but I feel like I need to share it. And again, this comes from a family that we’ve worked with that it happened years ago, but they’ve shared their story with us and told us that we can share it anonymously. This happened at an event. A mama came up to me afterwards And I knew from the look in her eyes when she was getting ready to tell me something that it was going to be difficult to hear. She said when her son was very young. They were at a family gathering and a older cousin nephew I can’t remember the exact relation brought up a pornography video and looked at her kid and said I want you to do this to me.
So what I wanna say to our listeners and I want parents to understand pornography fuels abuse between kids. They see it on a screen, brother, sister are around or cousins are around and they’ve watched it so much. Now they want to act it out on someone and these kids are abusing each other And they’re a victim of pornography. They’re seeing it and then they’re acting it out and then we have another whole victim that we need to deal with. And this is happening to good families that you go to church with.
I’m telling you. They are telling me their stories and they’re afraid to say it out loud because they’re afraid of being judged. This is a big deal, and so when we talk about protect your kids from pornography, it’s protect your kids from all this stuff. We don’t want your kid being an abuser. We don’t want your kid being abused. We don’t want your kid questioning their sexuality because of what they’ve seen on the screen. That’s what we’re trying to protect our kids from, and typically, at events when I can specify that and state it like that, the dads are like oh my gosh, i understand now, they understand the seriousness of it and they realize it’s so different from when we grew up.
0:10:54 – Speaker 2
It is. I’m glad you made that point, and I want to speak right now to the moms specifically, and the dads who are thinking okay, i hear what you’re saying, i get it now, but I have young kids and it’s just too soon. When we started down this journey, i had a little bitty, and I think my oldest was probably six or seven at the time, and we began these conversations then, which sounded so crazy to everyone. But I will tell you, some of the youngest families we’ve heard from have kids that are already addicted to or exposed to pornography. At age five, we experienced it in our own neighborhood And ended up moving away. One of their kids was watching pornography at age five years old and they were okay with it because they didn’t understand the dangers of it. And so it can happen in your own backyard. It can happen if you are a next-talk volunteer. It’s happening to all of us, and so please don’t think, oh, it’s too early, i have a six or seven-year-old. These conversations, in an age-appropriate way, need to start happening.
0:11:59 – Speaker 1
Your kids are going to see pornography. It’s a matter of when, and the question that I want to pose to you is how are they going to respond? This is where we come in and we can do some preventative work to help them. It doesn’t mean they’re not going to be exposed, but it means they’re going to tell you when they are so you guys can talk through it. That’s our goal. So one is you got to talk early, and often There’s a great book on the market.
We don’t get any kickback for selling it or recommending it, but we do know the author and she’s great. It’s Good Pictures, bad Pictures. I used it with my son before I knew her and it opened up so many great conversations And so I started recommending it and then, after I wrote my book, i met her, and so it’s a great. We’ve had her on the show a couple of times. So if you want to go listen to those shows, you can. It’s for really ages six plus. But what was happening was so many parents were contacting her and saying I need something younger. My kids are seeing porn before six years old. So she also wrote Good Pictures, bad Pictures, jr after that, and that’s really for ages two to five. So these are great resources. Get a copy. It creates so much great conversation. It kind of helps you, you know, break the ice with this type of conversation.
0:13:16 – Speaker 2
Without overexposing them, which I know is the scary thought for so many parents. but we used both junior and the regular for the age of our kids And it was fantastic. It helped it not feel so scary for us And, like you said, open the conversation. Another thing that’s super important is to teach your kids to protect their heart and mind. I mean, we have a whole show on it just what that looks like and how to do that.
We don’t want our kids to be like mom and dad are going to kill me if I look at porn. That is the opposite of what we want. We want our kids to think, okay, is this healthy for me What I’m seeing right now? We want them to think why am I watching this? What is this? And maybe I should talk to mom about it. We want them to be able, in that moment, to have a plan to protect themselves and then what to do from there. And so teach your kids to protect their heart and mind. listen to the show so you can get some detailed tips on how to get them to that point.
0:14:09 – Speaker 1
Yeah, It’s teaching them to take responsibility for what they allow in their brain, because that’s going to impact who they are as a person. So that’s extremely important. Teach your kids to protect their heart and mind. Go listen to that show. The other thing is this is going to be a continual conversation. It’s not like let’s read the good pictures, bad pictures book and we’re done. This is going to be a constant conversation. It’s going to get more detailed. As they get older, They are going to see more things. Our kids we’re nextTalk families They still see things. They are still exposed to things. But they tell us And then we talk about the why. Why is this bad for you?
So there’s some great organizations out there that focus just on pornography. Fight the new drug is one. Go follow them. Great resources. They’re a non-faith organization, non-faith, non-political organization. It’s just focus on the negative effects of pornography. They have a documentary that you can go watch on their website. They post articles all the time about why it’s so unhealthy for you. That will help you with your conversations with your kids, especially your older kid.
0:15:17 – Speaker 2
Okay, this is a big one And it’s so hard to do. It’s that crazy parent mode. We have to kind of keep that inside and have the calm outside while we’re losing it on the inside. When your kids do tell you what they see or what they hear, you have got to stay calm and always, always, praise them for telling you, no matter if it’s something little or it seems silly or not important, or if it’s really big and scary and awful and you’re devastated on the inside, your response is the same Stay calm and say thank you so much for telling me you did the right thing, and then go into that conversation that we’re talking about, explaining why pornography is bad, use the resources, why it objectifies people, why they look at people differently, how it affects their relationship, that, why behind what they’re seeing.
0:16:02 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I’m constantly telling my kids it’ll change the way you look at your peers And I don’t want that for you. I want you to look at your peers as people with souls and hearts And I don’t want you to see just the physical parts that you will see when you are watching pornography. The other thing is, if your kids are older and they’re coming to you and they’re confiding in you that they’re actually watching pornography, one is stay calm, just like Kim said, even with your younger kids. Stay calm with your older kids. But also I want you to have sympathy with your older kids. I want you to share a story of how you messed up as a kid So they realize okay, everybody messes up, it’s okay, this is redeemable, like I can reset. I can restart If your kid is struggling and they really just want to look at it.
It’s not that you are mad at your teenager or disappointed in your teenager. One of the things that I say a lot is I love you the same. When my kid comes to me and says I’ve done this or I’ve seen this or anything, anytime they mess up, i love you the same. Now what can I do to help you, because this is an unhealthy habit. So that’s exactly what you would want to do if your child is watching pornography and confides in you.
0:17:15 – Speaker 2
So just to recap, pornography access and the type of pornography kids are watching is totally different today. Recognize how it’s changed. Your kids will be exposed to pornography at some point. Will they be ready? And continually have age-appropriate discussions with your kids on how to respond to porn and why it’s bad for their heart and mind?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
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