0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:30 – Speaker 2
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0:00:36 – Speaker 1
Today we’re talking about attitude and body changes and not ours, because we got a lot of changes happening to our kids. You know our kids.
0:00:48 – Speaker 3
That that so reminds me of that show we did about the 40s and the body changes in the 40s. There’s a lot going on, but then at the same time like for me, like I’m raising, raising teenagers and there’s also raising. I’m raising and raging, but you know, i think all of us can relate to our kids attitude like the eye roll, the sassiness that I know better than you the temper the temper, you know, however it comes out.
Yeah, our kids struggle with that and I do want to say, before we even start this show, like Your good kid is gonna have attitude, your good kid is gonna have anger. Like that is part of Learning to deal with your emotions.
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And so we have to help them kind of navigate that.
0:01:36 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and I think by talking about it and identifying it and remembering that we all experience it, it helps us to parent it, because in the moment, it can feel completely overwhelming and frustrating.
0:01:47 – Speaker 3
Well, I love what one of our team members said. They’re like don’t become 12 again.
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0:01:50 – Speaker 3
I think that’s what happens sometimes. We see the eye roll or the attitude and we want to be like a girl, don’t you even? you know, like a 12 year old. We want to. We want to mouth off too, and that really doesn’t help the situation. It hurts the relationship and emotions just tend to get worse and we’re, you know, till you reach your boiling point. And So, like, how do we really navigate that? because we can’t just let it slide either, because we don’t want our kids to think, okay, it’s fine to behave this way. So, like, how do we really deal with that?
0:02:20 – Speaker 1
Before we actually tackle how to handle the attitude with our tweens and teens, i’m thinking we should start with the body changes. Then we can kind of go back to the attitude, because we can understand a little bit about that, because it’s a very visual change. I think that’ll give us some Empathy about what’s happening with our kids in their brain also.
0:02:37 – Speaker 3
I think so too, and you know, i remember, gosh, years ago, when this was just starting to, i was starting to see this little shift in my daughter, right, and I remember one time she couldn’t keep her focus and I was like where is my kid, like where is? and I would get so frustrated with her. And and then I was reading this book and it just made sense to me. It’s called middle school, the inside story That’s the name of the book, and they refer to something as what’s called the bubble. Okay, so let me do a quote from the book, because this is so good. I think here’s what the authors say about this. It’s typical for middle schoolers to hear only the part of the story that applies to them. We like to call it the bubble. There are so many changes coming at them at once. They have to spend almost all of their time trying to figure out what’s happening and what to do about it.
0:03:32 – Speaker 1
That’s the bubble I, so if it doesn’t apply to them or doesn’t have any relation to the bubble, they’re really not even hearing it.
0:03:39 – Speaker 3
Right, and then we get frustrated because they’re not responding to that. I need you to clean your room in five minutes, you know, or whatever. And then the attitude comes out and all of this escalates. So I actually, when my daughter, i think, was in middle school and I was reading this book, i told her about it, yeah, and I was like how do you feel about that? Do you think the authors are right on that? And she was like, oh my gosh, she’s like we can be in a conversation and I’m thinking about something totally different. Yes, and she was like that explains it. Like I’m not trying to be disrespectful, i’m just like thinking about, like, my day or what I need to do, or what I need to accomplish Right And, honestly, like we can be so guilty of this.
0:04:16 – Speaker 1
0:04:16 – Speaker 3
I don’t know how many times my kids have been telling me a story and I’m thinking about a work issue, you know.
0:04:20 – Speaker 1
I mean like seriously guilty as charged over here for all guilty, right, And so I start.
0:04:26 – Speaker 3
We started calling it the bubble And so it’s actually become an inside joke. Here we are now. She’s a junior in high school, years later, and we still use it. Like sometimes we’ll be having a conversation and I won’t say anything And I’ll just be waiting for her to reply and she’ll be like I’m sorry, I’m in my bubble, Like it’s our new thing, right.
And so it’s not that it’s an excuse not to listen, it’s not that. But I wanted her to recognize that she’s disengaging from conversation And sometimes she’s tuned out, and it’s frustrating for me as a parent, and likewise when I, when she sees me doing that, she calls me out on it too, in a nice way, like are you in your bubble? Like I’m trying to tell you something.
0:05:04 – Speaker 1
This is such a better version of how we do it at our house.
0:05:08 – Speaker 3
So much nicer. I want to hear your version.
0:05:10 – Speaker 1
Well, we were introduced to it differently. I have a friend who has four boys and I remember she was getting ready to move and my kids you know, i only had boys at the time little little baby sissy. And she said I just need to leave you with this piece of advice. And I was like, okay, you know, i leaned in and she said you have boys, just like me.
And I will tell you, there’s going to be times you’re going to say things And you’re going to think you said it maybe once, twice, three times, and that they heard it. But they don’t Like they’re in their own world. And she’s like that’s why you have to implement the eyes on me. I was like what do you mean? She’s like you have to say eyes on me and wait till they make eye contact. You have to get down to their level And when you’re done saying it, say tell me back. Tell me back What I just said. And I was like, okay, that seems like a lot of work. But her kids were older, you know. So I was like I tucked it away And I will tell you, the last probably three or four years, you know, my oldest has certainly been into the tween world of fun times. I say that so much And he says it to me too, like if I’m on my phone or something like eyes on me, mom, and I’m like oh, oh, listen right now.
Yes, and it’s that same thing. You know, we’re in our heads so easily And it’s. I thought it was a boy thing because my little one is a girl, but apparently it’s just a tween thing or an adult thing, just that. Needing to focus in on what’s happening is hard to do.
0:06:28 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think too, it just gives you an insight into their bodies are changing. Yeah, and you know, not only physically but emotionally. There’s all sorts of different things going on and how easy it must be to go into the bubble. But yet oftentimes we see it as attitude or sass or tuning us out. And the more I’ve recognized it, the less I’ve gotten irritated and we’ve actually been able to talk through it and helped our relationship instead of damage it.
0:06:57 – Speaker 1
Yeah, And when you can point it out in a moment and say, hey, i think, i think you’re in the bubble, and they’re like, oh yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. That’s my kids, you know, and I’m like eyes on me, i’m like, hey, eyes on me. And then it’s that moment where they’re like I don’t mean to disrespect you, i really I didn’t hear you, and so it really does take away that tension that normally lives there.
0:07:19 – Speaker 3
Yeah, Well, and one of the things that you know we’re talking about, like body changes And I really want to kind of hone in on this because I did a lot of research for my first book talk about this, about the changes that our kids go to when they hit puberty. And puberty, can you know, happen at different ages for different kids. Some develop way earlier. You know the average is age 11 in girls and 12 in boys. That’s the average. So you could, they could do younger, they could be older than that, right.
But one of the things that I learned is that the prefrontal cortex okay, so it is the part of your brain that deals with judgment, impulse control, like, basically, like decision making, right, that is not fully developed until they’re in their mid 20s, right? Okay, so this is what I found so interesting, though. Research suggests that there is a spurt of growth in that frontal cortex right before puberty. So you’ve got all these impulse control, decision making areas of the brain And then, right before your body starts physically changing, you’re going to have this rush of Impulse stuff running through your brain. I mean, there’s a surge in that right before puberty hits. So when our kids go through this, here they are. You know they’re in the middle of middle school, typically, or late elementary. They’re dealing with all this stuff and add to it stuff We didn’t have, like social media, a cyber bullying that you know Never shuts down. You’re always worried about.
All the things You know, living through a pandemic, and You put all of that and you’re like I want to go to my bubble too, yeah, like I want to avoid. And I want to just focus on one thing because it’s too much, it’s overwhelming, and I think when we see the big picture of that We have, we can have a little bit more empathy. Not that we let the attitude slide, not that we let it like be acceptable You know to be disrespectful, that’s not what we’re saying, right But that we can have an inside into their little brains and bodies and how they’re developing and changing. And then it just makes us Be like, okay, i have a little more grace for you, well, and talk about it.
0:09:36 – Speaker 1
I mean that really, at the end of the day, to me has been the greatest gift is being able to say hey, here’s what’s happening in your brain, this is what it looks like and this is what it’s gonna feel like. and my oldest, who I’d say We’ve been in that for about a year, he’s an early developer. which parents? Our pediatrician said something that I would like to pass on, when I was like what do you mean? He’s developing early? and he’s like Kim, were you an early developer? I said yes, my husband and I both. Why do you ask He’s like?
0:10:06 – Speaker 3
well, because usually it runs in families it seems like common sense, but you have to really. I never really thought about it. You have to think about it.
0:10:14 – Speaker 1
Yes, and so he’s like, you know, two, three years early is what you’re looking at, just like it was for you and your husband, just like y’all have dry skin. But anyway, it was that, just. You know, help me, boy, be more empathetic. Like, oh, he really is in this season of life, but talking to him like this is what’s happening, this is why it’s happening, this is what’s gonna feel like now as that’s going on. There are times when he’s like mom, remember, remember when you said I was going to just be a crazy person and feel like I want to yell at everybody And I’m like, yeah, he’s like that’s what I feel like. I’m like I get it and remember we talked about and it just puts you both on the same page. You know, empathy, yes, for your kid, but they have thankfulness that you get it, that you’re not just like Beating down the hammer because you’re mad at their attitude, like you are willing to work with them.
0:10:57 – Speaker 3
Well, and you got to know your kid too. I mean, for me, and I think sometimes this, this can be like, said generally, you know my boy, it’s more anger that it comes out. My girl is more attitude and sass. That’s just how they present. Now, that doesn’t always be is the case, but I think you need to know your kid too and know how the all of this turmoil is coming out.
Sure, you know we’ve talked about, like the brain development and those are things that you like don’t see. There’s lots of body changes that are happening, that they’re seeing and it’s hard to process. You know, girls, period, breast buds, like you got to start talking to them about routine maintenance, shaving, like all the kind of things you know that you have to have conversations about with your girl. I’ve written about this in my book when I cover this body change thing. And then boys too, you know you do have to talk about and you do have to recognize the wet dreams, the erections, the masturbation like, and we did a show on that. Like we have a masturbation show and I’ve had so many parents reach out to me and be like, oh my gosh, it’s been so helpful, because if you listen to that show. We don’t tell you how to have the conversations. We say these are some options on how you could do Like you do what’s right for your family, but I think that that’s something a lot of people don’t talk about, that we need to.
0:12:25 – Speaker 1
It’s a lot of people that can’t even say the word Yeah. So I think, unfortunately, if we can’t say the words and talk to our kids, as we’ve always said, then someone else will.
0:12:34 – Speaker 3
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0:12:57 – Speaker 2
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0:13:22 – Speaker 3
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0:13:28 – Speaker 1
If you’re just now tuning in, we’ve been talking about some natural body changes our tweens and teens go through. Hopefully that allows us to have some empathy. You know their bodies are changing rapidly and so you can imagine how hard that is for them to process. And in the middle of all that, your kid is going to have attitude. You all of us think we have a great kid because we do. we have great kids, but they’re human and they’re gonna struggle And it’s important to recognize that.
0:13:51 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and I think you know, when this creeps up, what I have really learned to do is really press into the Holy Spirit And I know that sounds a little Christian-y, but you know, like really walking with balance, many times I feel myself just it happens and it’s like okay, zip it. I’m not gonna respond right now, i’m gonna let this go And then circling back, you know when the timing is right, within the later in the day or whatever. Hey, i noticed this. I noticed you had a little attitude. Are you doing? okay, like, is there anything you need to talk about? Yeah, and so I’m kind of pointing out hey, this really isn’t acceptable. How can I help you? Like, how are you struggling?
0:14:35 – Speaker 1
That has worked really well, it’s a non-confront of way to confront the situation. you know that they don’t feel attacked.
0:14:42 – Speaker 3
Absolutely. I know when they were little too. I don’t do this as much anymore now that they’re older, But when they were little I would say hey, you know, would you talk to a teacher like that? You know, please, please, don’t talk to your parents like that. Oh, yes, of course, Like it’s not okay, i know this is your safe place and I know you’re comfortable, but that doesn’t give you a free pass, kind of thing. Yeah, we say that a lot.
0:15:05 – Speaker 1
I even just the other day one of my kiddos was having a really tough day, like whoa, and they walked into the room and I said I’m really struggling with your attitude today. And I was just honest cause I was. I was like hitting a wall and I didn’t want to say anything terrible. And they were able to say well, i’m struggling with your attitude today too, and you know it would have been easy for me to The honesty of a child, yes, and I just started laughing and I was like, well, what do you mean?
And we were able to talk it through and there were some good points, you know, in both of us And I was able to help that kid really deal with what was the struggle. And I think sometimes just being honest like wow, this is hard. What we’re talking about right now helps kids open up.
0:15:51 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think you know, just being able to walk calmly more in that Holy Spirit comes from understanding what their little bodies are going through.
You know it just helps me have grace more. I know that for me. You know, one time and I distinctly remember it my daughter it was years ago she was getting a little snippy And I said to her real calmly, you know what, like right now I want to yell at you and tell you how much your attitude hurts me. But I’m not going to. Yeah, because James119 tells us be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. So as much as I’m getting angry with you right now for how you’re talking to me, i’m going to really try and model this.
Yeah, and I remember she kind of looked at me at first like what? And then she just started like laughing. And it was just this moment where she was like thank you, like thank you for having restraint, and so that opened up a whole lot of conversations about teaching her to how to have restraint. And so I say that because, like we have to be the model, and when we actually are the model, they pick up on it And then they learn to like model restraint. When they want to scream, You know, i give my kids permission to say to me you know, like I want to yell right now, i want to have attitude, but I’m not going to. And these are the reasons why. Yeah, you know, because to me that they’re able to communicate to me that they’re getting ready to lose it, but they’re not losing it. To me that is a lot about self-control And I think it’s very healthy for them.
0:17:32 – Speaker 1
Well, i’m just being able to say it sometimes is enough. Yeah, we all just want to be heard. So I think that is, and it’s so important to you that they’re modeling what they see, which basically falls on us first, because in your house if you have more than one kid, like we do or like you do our older siblings, you know they’re modeling for the younger ones, and I can see the struggles of my older ones. My younger ones have the same ones because they’re picking up on it, and so it’s just so important from the top down, just like management, that we’re setting a good example.
0:18:00 – Speaker 3
It’s so true. It is so true. We have a team member and she says and I love this She’s like tweens and teens have feelings in HD. Yes.
And I love that because it just kind of molds into everything we’re talking about. Everything seems, you know, they’re living in that bubble. Everything seems so big, you know, in the moment. And we don’t want to dismiss their feelings, absolutely not, like we want to acknowledge them and help them identify them, but at the same time we want them to understand. Okay, let’s take a step back, it’s okay. Let’s breathe for a minute, yeah.
0:18:34 – Speaker 1
So I love that. That is a very good visual I also want to throw in here. Sometimes, with little kids and I know we’ve all done it and we’ve all seen it When they’re sassy, we think it’s cute. Oh, i’m so glad you brought this up, kim Well because when you got a two year old like roll in their head and wag in their finger and being sassy or rude, you’re so surprised by it that somehow that equals, like it’s adorable.
0:19:00 – Speaker 3
And you’re like, there’s my little three-nature. Yes, Look how like what am I doing? But then they feed off that.
0:19:06 – Speaker 1
Well, not only do they feed off it, you’re encouraging it for years and years and then suddenly you’re like oh wait, no, oh no, you can’t act like that. Well, how is that fair If for years they’ve been praised and encouraged and told like how cute and wonderful it is, and then one day you just decide you don’t like it? that’s not fair.
0:19:23 – Speaker 3
That is. I’m so glad you brought this up. Well, because my little girl It’s like a bait and switch kind of thing Yes, Like do this behavior, and then all of a sudden no.
0:19:32 – Speaker 1
Yeah, i noticed it with my little girl. She is so sweet, but she will say these funny things that are super sassy and will like crack up and I’m like wait a minute that’s not okay. You know, if you were like a couple years older, i would be like putting you in time out. So it made me think about that, like, what kind of behavior are we actually encouraging, and is it really cute when someone’s being kind of jerky?
0:19:54 – Speaker 3
Absolutely. I think that is so important and I love that you touched on that. Even we see that this. So many of these conversations and these foundational truths begin so early And I think a lot of times I know for me, when my kids were really little, it was just like survival mode to me. You know you’re not sleeping, the world is on your shoulders. I mean, you have to feed them every meal, you have to bathe them, you have to brush their teeth, like it’s all the things, and it just can feel overwhelming. But if you really dig in and do some foundational stuff when they’re little man, it just makes it a little easier when they get older. Not that it’s easy. You know you’re still going to have tough times, there’s still going to be issues that you’re going to have to deal with, but it just makes it a little bit easier. And I think that foresight of looking ahead to what does this look like? Okay, she’s five now, but what does this look like when she’s 15?
0:20:48 – Speaker 1
I’m not going to let this get over.
0:20:51 – Speaker 3
I’ll be praying for you, and she’s beautiful on top of it, so you are in trouble.
0:21:00 – Speaker 1
Well, i think it’s just about noticing the changes of their body, yes, and noticing the changes of their attitude. But how can we help them navigate all of that? And we actually did a show about it. It was almost more out of for us as adults navigating the crazy of emotions and feelings, because it is crazy, but we talked about how we need to model that for our kids. I think this would be such a good show to listen to, to kind of walk yourself through some of those reminders of how you’re setting that example and how to teach it to your kids too.
0:21:30 – Speaker 3
Well, and the thing is, you know feelings are real. When they want to hit a wall or when they want to like explode, you know that’s a real feeling And what we don’t want to do is teach them to like stuff that down inside and they’re not allowed to. You know, like we don’t want to shame them or dismiss them or dismiss them, right.
So the way you approach attitude is is being able to hone in and say you know why, why do you want to yell at me? or why are you talking with me like that, like is there something going on? And then you can normally dig and there’s something much deeper. You know it’s, i’m stressed about this, or this kid is not being nice to me, and you’re getting the brunt of it because you’re the safe place. Yes, i mean, we do this with our spouses all the time. Yes, we do this all the time with our spouses. They get the worst of us because we’re the safe place, right, and so we need to just teach our kids.
I know, as my daughter has gotten older you know she’s a junior now and I have literally said to her Hey, i get it, you’re stressed, you know your body’s changed, i get it. Like, i understand why you’re frustrated and have attitude. But if I just let you carry on like this, like one day you’re going to be married and you can’t just treat your husband like crap every day because you’re having a bad day, right, like you’ve got to learn this balance of when you’re venting versus when you’re crossing the line with like attitude and disrespect and being mean. Yeah, you know, and there is a balance there that they need to learn.
0:23:02 – Speaker 1
And that comes with that whole modeling and in a practice of recognizing those changes that are happening emotionally, whether it’s our tweens, our teens, or even as adults. Like we said we did that show on going through menopause. There’s a lot of changes emotionally, oh girl.
0:23:19 – Speaker 3
Let me just plug this Menop pre menopause During COVID Oh, like every woman, I’m having a hot flash right now, i’m not even joking. It’s a whole thing. Um, i mean women, 40s, that are going through this stuff. Y’all are saints like worse. I mean seriously, you got to give yourself a pat on the back. Yes, even if you’re crying every day. Some tissues with that pat. My husband’s like when is the AC bill gonna go down? I’m like, well, these hot flashes like don’t count on it anytime soon. Over it, brother.
0:23:54 – Speaker 1
Over the bill. I need it to survive right now. Yes, look, i’m like sweating. I’m sweating, but I mean the point being that our whole lives are about changes and we can model that so well for our kid that all Those feelings are real. But we don’t have to vomit them on people. And if we can recognize them and if we can express them in a way that Creates a safe place to process it or a safe place to step away from it, man, we’re doing them such a favor, especially during those teen and tween years when everything’s so crazy.
0:24:23 – Speaker 3
It is a continual conversation. Once again, yeah, that’s what we always come back to with all of these topics. It’s a continual conversation, one that you can start so early and we would just say you know, also, if you have Handled attitude bad with your kid, like circle back and apologize Yeah, it goes a long way with your kids and you can say, hey, i’m not saying that what you did was acceptable, but my response was kind of over the top and we need to talk about that. Like I don’t know how many times I’ve said that you know, like remember how that made you feel, because it was bad, what you did was wrong, but what I did was more wrong, like I was the adult, i should have handled it better. So let’s talk about this kind of thing. Yeah, kids love that.
0:25:04 – Speaker 1
0:25:05 – Speaker 3
do love when you admit your mistakes, yeah. So for our wrap-up segment today, let’s remember one body changes are real. Tweens and teens deserve some empathy for their hormones to the prefrontal cortex of the brain doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s. This controls impulse control and decision-making. So give your kids some grace. And even though our teens body is changing, attitude still needs to be addressed with a calm conversation.
0:25:33 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim on am 630 the word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast. At nextTalk. Or are you ready for the next dog?
Transcribed by https://podium.page