0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 2
How often do we skirt around an issue, tell a white lie or even withhold the truth in our closest relationships? Oh my goodness, oh, this one’s gonna hurt, I think.
0:00:45 – Speaker 3
Well, I think sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it. So today we’re asking who are you really? Who are you really? Are you being honest, Mmm?
Recently my kids were asking me about football and this is where this all came from. And I don’t even know if you know this, Mandy. It was like a whole thing. One of my sons says Mom, you always say you’re a football girl, but if you could choose between a football game and like a cooking channel, you would never, ever, ever watch football. And I was like I started to like push back and be like, yes, I would have loved football, but I didn’t, because I knew in that moment he was right.
And it sparked this huge family conversation. We talked about it, we kind of delved deeper, back to when this whole thing started, and I said you know, my mom loved football when I was young and she would throw these amazing football parties. But I loved the food at the parties because she would do like a theme and I could help with the theme and the cooking and making everything. We were Bronco fans making everything orange, you know, and in blue, and it was just so much fun. But I don’t really remember watching the games, but I was a football girl that’s what I labeled myself.
Then fast forward to high school and the captain of the football team was not as cute as my husband. But at the time, you know, I thought so and I wanted that attention and I didn’t have a healthy understanding of relationships from my past and so I applied to be the football statistician so that I could be there all the time and I was like I love football Because you’re the football girl, I’m the football girl, I am all about football, I’m cool like that and that was the persona I took on and I had kind of convinced myself that I was the football girl and I loved it.
But I really wasn’t. And then I fast forward. I meet my husband in college who loves football, and I was like and coaches football and coaches football. And I was like this is perfect because I’m the football girl, you’re the football, and so I started making like themed Super Bowl cakes and all in it.
0:02:44 – Speaker 2
It goes back to the food, though.
0:02:45 – Speaker 3
Back to the food, because that’s your real thing, that is my real thing. Yes, bring me the buffet any day over at football, like that’s why I’m really there. And it’s so sad and seems so shallow and silly that from being a little girl to now 40 something-ish, I had labeled myself something that wasn’t true and I was so used to it and it was so comfortable that I was actually telling people this is who I am. Now that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but let me tell you how that played out Over the past years. All the way from college, I can remember getting irritable on Sundays and Mondays because we’d be watching football all day and I’d be stomping around and I’d be bored. And you’re not making the food to go with it.
Well, yeah, the food was made already. Like, how much food can you possibly make? Like how many rounds of dip can I turn out? Yeah, and I never figured out until this conversation with my boy that it was because I really didn’t want to watch the football. And he was like, yeah, mom, we have football on and you’re irritable about it. So it was actually affecting my relationships. I was not enjoying myself because I was lying about who I was and what I liked.
0:03:54 – Speaker 2
I know you think this is a little story, but I think this is huge. It’s crazy, right? I think it’s huge. You want to know why? Because your kid picked up that you were basically being fake. Yes, and you didn’t even know you were being fake. I didn’t.
0:04:09 – Speaker 3
I was a football girl.
0:04:09 – Speaker 2
That’s what’s crazy because in your mind you’re a football girl, because you made food for the Denver Broncos all the stuff, yeah, all the things, all the years and years.
In your mind, that’s who you are. But I think it’s so cool and wise of your child to be able to look at you and be like that’s not who you really are, mom, and the fact that he felt safe, telling you that you weren’t gonna get defensive or that you weren’t gonna be like well, who are you to tell me who I am? Like. You have built that relationship with him where he was like I see this weird thing that something’s not matching up what Mom is telling the world and what she really is, and I need to talk to her about it, I think that’s amazing, it really was, and it was such an eye-opener for me that it trickled into so many other thoughts and conversations about how often we do that and we don’t think it’s a big deal.
0:05:06 – Speaker 3
Like, how many times have you said to your spouse, your kids, like, oh, it’s fine, you pick where we eat. And then they pick and you’re like, oh my gosh, not that one. But you don’t say anything.
0:05:16 – Speaker 2
But then you’re irritable the whole time, or I know one, a lot of times my husband will be like do you want anything for your birthday?
0:05:22 – Speaker 1
0:05:23 – Speaker 2
Because a lot of times we don’t do birthday presents because we just paid for a new furnace or a new water heater or something. You know we’re on a budget and what do we really need? I mean, if we need something, I go to him and I tell him and we get it right.
And so he’ll say to me do you want a birthday present? And I’ll, in passing, be like no. But then when he doesn’t get me a birthday present, like I’m mad, you’re a brat. And then he’s like I can’t read your mind, like that’s what you told me. And then there’s this whole fight about that. Right, I think this is just so important. You know what it reminds me of our being?
0:05:58 – Speaker 3
real in a fake world show.
0:06:00 – Speaker 2
Go listen to that, because we really dive into that there. But it also reminds me of a quote that I saw on Twitter this week from one of my favorite authors.
0:06:08 – Speaker 3
0:06:09 – Speaker 2
I sent it to you, I know what you’re going to say.
OK, so her name is Jackie Hill Perry. If you don’t know her, you’ve got to look her up. She’s great. She’s got a great book on the market. It’s called Gay Girl. Good God, you need to read it. It’s just so good. And if you, especially as you’re talking to your kids about sexuality and all the things, her book is just really good. Anyway, she is speaking all over the world. Her book has blown up and she’s huge and she put on Instagram or Twitter this week I can’t remember what it was. She said after I’ve written all the books, spoken at all the conferences, met all the people from around the world. She said I want my greatest legacy to be that my kids say I’m the same person at home that I was on this stage.
0:06:55 – Speaker 3
Amen, sister, oh y’all, I start crying.
0:06:57 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I start crying because what we do at Next Hawk it’s hard work. Like we’re telling people talk to your kids about all the things. And that means we have to talk to our kids about all the things. Be the same person that we say on the radio show that we are behind closed doors with our kids. It’s hard space, but I think that’s why God is blessing. It is because we’re learning behind those closed doors.
And then we’re telling people what we’re learning because we’re really, really to do the hard work. But man like to know that we’re the same person in our home, with all the doors closed and all the shades pulled, that we are if we were on a stage being with a camera on us. That’s, that’s being honest with who we are and it’s.
0:07:42 – Speaker 3
It’s a hard space because I think it sneaks up on us and the world’s okay with it, the world’s okay with white lies, and they say, oh, just glaze over it, just go with the flow, just say what people want to hear, and that can become the norm so quickly and then it’s like a spiral. Like you, it’s a slippery slope and you just get used to saying what people want to hear and doing what people want you to do to please others or because it’s just too hard or too risky to be yourself. You know, and I have struggled with that and you know, coming from a radio background, like that was my career forever and it is so hard to feel like, if I’m really honest about who I am, well, people still love me and you know you have walked through this because you.
0:08:25 – Speaker 2
You have like. People expect something of you because of the voice they hear over their radio every morning. They expect, they think they know you yes, well, and I remember.
0:08:35 – Speaker 3
I remember having a boss that told me when I was in my early 20s I said a comment like a joking comment on a morning show about having thunder thighs, and he marched down the hallway and pulled me out of that sound booth and said don’t you ever say that again, because everybody listening expecting you to have perfect thighs. And now you just messed up your image yes, ma’am, so it.
0:08:56 – Speaker 2
Well, I thought he was going to say don’t do that because it’s disrespectful and judgmental. No, it was you messed up my image and that stuck with me.
0:09:05 – Speaker 3
You know, in your young 20s you’re very impressionable. And there’s this like rising show and I thought, oh my gosh.
0:09:11 – Speaker 2
I can’t really be myself. I can’t say how I really feel or talk about my imperfections, like me, yes, and so that started very young learning that lesson.
0:09:20 – Speaker 3
And it is a hard thing to do because you risk rejection when you are your true self and when you really say you know what? I don’t want burritos. You know someone might get upset about that and that’s okay, but being in that space it’s hard if you’re not used to it.
0:09:36 – Speaker 2
I think we all fall into this you know, when you told me about this show and this story, I immediately went to how I used to be with my friends, and I used to be with my friends like somebody in the group would be like let’s go, we never get dressed up. Let’s go, get dressed up and go out to eat and let’s have a night out like a GNO girls night out.
Right, that’s what my friends used to say yeah, and I did it because I wanted to be with them and I wanted to have friends, right, but inside I was thinking what I really want is just to sit around on a couch in my PJs and talk to my friends. Yeah, and so as I’ve grown up, I’ve learned to communicate. That it’s amazing what you can just do, right. And I remember one year you said to me you were texting me and you were like what do you want for your birthday? And I was, like you know about?
0:10:26 – Speaker 1
like what are we gonna do? What are we gonna?
0:10:29 – Speaker 2
do with our friend group and I was like I just want PJs, like on a couch, and hot cocoa and some sweets. Yes, like that’s what I want, and now that’s all we do for every holiday, we haven’t had makeup on since 2010. I don’t even want to dress but you know what I, what I found in that? It was just a simple little thing, right, but like I was shutting people out and not letting them be the real me and then.
I’m not having true friends. It’s all a show and then. And then you know what? Because we we skirt on the surface level stuff about that. Yeah, then when I’m not, when I’m struggling at home when the marriage is not you know, it’s rocky, yeah. Or when my kids are doing something that I’m like whoa, yes, I can’t talk about that because I can’t even tell you that. I just want to stay in my PJs, you can’t go there. No, I mean, there’s not the the deeper relationship because we’re we’re being surface level.
0:11:37 – Speaker 3
I got a challenge People on this because God just showed me something real big the other morning. We miss vital connections God’s trying to create when we are having these service relationships.
I mean so I stopped and asked this mom the other day. I was like how are you doing, you know? And I could see she started like she fixed her hair a little bit and she started to go into that like mode, like Everything’s fine. And then it was almost like the Holy Spirit just nudged her and Praise the Lord. She listened because her shoulders just kind of dropped and she was like I’m really struggling and I was like, tell me about it. And she’s like she has four little babies, like all under five Her mother, yes, yes yeah, her husband travels for weeks at his home.
All the bodily fluids, bodily fluids everywhere, no, no, no, yeah.
0:12:32 – Speaker 2
All the stuff.
0:12:33 – Speaker 3
I’m, there’s all the things. I would take 500 teenagers over that, right, okay, so all of that. And then her husband travels, you know, for weeks at a time, so she’s often alone, and then her mother-in-law is now getting sick and is gonna have to move in with her. Like it’s a whole picture, right? It’s a whole thing, god she was so she says all of these things.
And let me just tell you how good God is. She tells me all of these things and Then she says I asked my mom for help and she’s like I’ve never been through anything like that. I have no advice for you. And she’s like and I asked my friends and they were like I’ve never walked on that road. I don’t know. She’s like and I wasn’t gonna tell you, but it just came out and I’m really sorry and I was like, look what God’s doing.
I have walked on that road with bringing my mother-in-law under my roof, with raising all three little kids at the same time, with trying to manage finances and all of the things, with my husband being gone because he was a coach. I’ve I’ve walked on this road and I want to help you. And she just burst into tears and we’ve been able to have this sweet conversation and pray together and, you know, shore each other up. He was trying to create a connection that if she wasn’t willing To say exactly who she was and what she needed, it never would have happened. She I would have said, good, I’m so glad you’re doing well. And I would have gone on my merry way and she would have gotten in the Many van and cried all the way home. Yes, so I feel like we miss opportunities that God is trying to create when we put on the mask and we just aren’t honest about what we want and what we need and who we are.
0:13:56 – Speaker 2
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0:14:23 – Speaker 1
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0:14:50 – Speaker 2
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0:14:54 – Speaker 3
Today we are talking about figuring out who you really are and being honest about it. It sounds so obvious and easy, but we’re talking about little white lies, things that we do and say, just brushing over things like yeah, I’m good, I’m fine, yeah, we can eat wherever or no, I like football when you don’t. Now that can become a pattern, in a way of life that just becomes comfortable for us and then we never really feel seen or heard or known for who we really are. And so we’re talking about what that looks like for ourselves and then also modeling that for your kids, because what I find is when I’m doing those things, my kids do the same and they start to learn that it’s okay not to be who they really are. And as they get older and older, that can be really unhealthy. They start to do things just to please others or go with the crowd or because they don’t want to ruffle feathers or deal with the difficult conversation, because it’s easier just to go along with what everybody else is doing, and that’s dangerous waters.
0:15:54 – Speaker 2
Absolutely. It is and we see this over and over as they get older that they want to label themselves. They want to go with this or go with that. It’s being tossed about the winds and so we need to be super careful about. I love that verse in Ephesians 4.14. It says we will no longer be infants tossed back and forth by the waves blown here and there, by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people and their deceitful scheming.
So what seems like oh, we’re just not saying who we really are, Seems like a little white lie. It’s bigger than that, because we’re not being true with ourselves. And if we’re not being true with ourselves, then are we really going to see other people for who they are Like if we’re skimming over our own self and just looking at a mirror and being like, okay, yeah, I’m a football girl, even though I’m not really a football girl and you know, I’m going out on the GNO, but I don’t really want to Like all the things? Are we just going to pass that on to our kids? Are we ever really even going to see our kids, or are we just going to expect them to line up and do what we expect them to do?
0:17:00 – Speaker 3
Whoa good point. Yeah, I think that it’s real easy to fall into that trap because of something Satan, I think, plants in our minds or whispers in our ears is rejection. Yeah, rejection is a big deal and I think a lot of us struggle with it for different reasons men, women and kids and if we feel like being our authentic self, being honest, being real, means there is a possibility that we will be rejected Because we choose the fake role.
0:17:34 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think that’s where we just got to stand firm in who we are.
And you know, and I think that as you get older, the easier this is, because you do care less and less about what other people think, because you’re more focused on what God wants for your life.
I think it’s very hard as a young person to stand firm in the faith, but I think this is where we come in, and if we’re not standing firm in the faith, they are definitely not going to stand firm in the faith.
And so if we can really be honest and really learn to communicate about who we are and what we like and what we don’t like, then I think, on the issue, the bigger issues that’s so important as Christians, you know about like taking a stand and speaking out about something, standing firm right, and you can do it in a respectful and kind way. You don’t have to tear others down, you know. But if we’re not even going to take a stand and I want to be on my PJs for my birthday are we really going to take a stand and be like yeah, god says marriage is between a man and a woman? I may not understand it, but that’s what God says and I’m trusting that we’re not going to do that if we can’t even say I want to be in my PJs or I’m not a football person.
0:18:45 – Speaker 3
Yes, it’s like you know how we hear if you cannot trust us with the small stuff, is he really going to trust us with the big things? Amen, I want to be trusted with the big things and that starts with the small. And what a privilege that we get to help our kids navigate this. You know, as we get older and as we start to practice this ourselves, like what do I really want? Who am I really? Are people going to love me just for who God designed me to be? We get to walk our kids through that. You know I was thinking about this with my kids, just getting to know them in a way that is completely authentic and giving them space to feel that out. Sometimes it’s not organic, sometimes they’re not thinking as kids, like what do I really want? What do I really like? Because that age group, developmentally they tend to just go with the flow, you know, whatever their friends are doing.
0:19:30 – Speaker 2
And also their parents. Like if parents if dad always played baseball, kid always played baseball. And there’s no even thought process of. Do I even like this?
0:19:39 – Speaker 3
Yes, and so I think that’s such a cool space. You know just if you’re sitting on the couch with your kid or in the car just asking basic questions, like if we had a totally free day, what would you love to do, like what’s something that just fills your heart, you may be surprised by the answer because you’ve been glossing through life and you don’t even know who your kid is and therefore they may not even know. It may take them a minute to say you know that’s a great question and that’s a good space to wrestle in and have some great conversation and help them get into the practice of being okay with saying who they are and what they want.
0:20:14 – Speaker 2
I think it’s so important and it seems so simple.
0:20:17 – Speaker 3
But, like I said, most of the important things are simple. They are.
0:20:21 – Speaker 2
If we can’t simply state what we like to do and what we don’t like to do and you know we want to do this activity or we want to try that activity they’re not going to be able to communicate and stay in firm in the faith on bigger issues they are just not.
0:20:34 – Speaker 3
This happened to us the other day. Football seems to be a theme lately in our home. We were at a friend’s house and all the kids were outside playing football and one of my kids was like wrestling, like putting his shoes on super slow at the door and I was like okay, what’s going on? And I was like go outside and play. And he was just like moving at a snail’s pace. It was just kind of weird. And I was like are you okay? And he’s like yeah, I was like I know what that means. I was like what’s going on, bubba? And he was like I just really don’t want to go outside and play football. And I was like well then, don’t go outside and play football.
He’s like but that’s what everybody wants me to do and they’re going to be disappointed in me. I was like ugh, you know you hate that when you hear kids say things like that. And I was like nobody’s going to be disappointed in you. They may miss you because they like spending time with you, but they would never be disappointed in your choice to do something you want to do or to not do something you don’t want to do. They love you for who you are and he was like are you sure?
I was like absolutely so. What would you like to do in this time, like right now, if you could do anything. He loves robots, he loves programming, he loves coding, all of that kind of stuff Anything in real technical that fills his bucket. And he happened to like bring something along. And I was like go go, sit by yourself and do that for a little bit, if that’s what you want to do. And he got super excited and he’s like thanks, mom, thanks for letting this be okay. And it reminded me that they don’t young kids especially don’t always know that it’s okay to be who they are and those moments are real important for us to coach them and encourage them that like being different, saying what you want and noticing who you are is a good thing.
0:22:14 – Speaker 2
Well, and sometimes it’s the Holy Spirit nudging our kids not to do something. One of the things that we, you know, and we I think we covered this on our sexual abuse series. You know, don’t make your kids hug adults so they don’t want to hug.
0:22:27 – Speaker 3
0:22:28 – Speaker 2
You know, oftentimes we’re just like be kind, be nice hug them, hug them, you know we just see it as like a be nice, but sometimes it’s the Holy Spirit nudging your kids, saying this adult’s not okay, yeah, and so we have to kind of trust that and allow that for that communication. The other thing I want to point out I know we’ve talked a lot about finding yourself and who you are, but I also think you really need to recognize you may change, yes, over time, absolutely.
0:22:54 – Speaker 3
0:22:54 – Speaker 2
I think this is super important because I hear from a lot of married people. Well, we just grew apart. We’re different people now, and I don’t I don’t even argue that you’re different people. I hope you’re different. My question is why weren’t you communicating through those changes? Yeah, right, yeah.
And so I have a story that I want to get in here before the end, and it is gift giving. I’ve never really wanted gifts for anything because I’m a saver and I’m like don’t spend the money, do you know, we’ll buy it when we need it, kind of thing. I found myself getting jealous when I wasn’t getting gifts and I was getting mad and I think it was a social media thing, because I saw all these like surprise trips to wherever and I’m like I don’t even get a card of roses, like that’s all I’m asking for. I’m asking for $10 Costco roses is all I’m asking for, right? And so you guys, I had to go to my husband and like tell him that I’ve changed. Yeah, and it was really vulnerable place for me. It’s harder than it sounds, and actually I was kind of embarrassed. Yes, like in front of my husband of 20 years, I know girl and he was like this is shocking to me, like you’ve never wanted gifts.
You’ve always said we’ll just buy things together or you’ll tell me when you want something and then we go get it, but you don’t want me spending extra money on something I pick out and then you don’t like it and this, all the things. And I was like you know what? I just wanna be surprised every now and then, like I miss that in our relationship. And he was so grateful that I told him and he was like thank you for not getting mad at me and then just yelling me over something stupid and I didn’t know what was going on, you know, but it was really awkward. But I say all that to be like what you think you may like may change over time, or what you expect out of your closest spouse or kids may change over time, and that’s okay as long as you’re communicating it.
0:24:44 – Speaker 3
Cause if you don’t like you said, you grow apart, and then deceit and deception and all kinds of things can bubble up, because you may say I’m not okay being honest about this thing, but I still want it, so I’m gonna do it over here on the side, or I still wanna indulge in that part of my personality, but I’m too embarrassed to say anything, and of course you’re gonna grow apart from your spouse in that way, and so I love that you were vulnerable and you were able to say that and you guys can grow closer, getting to know these new changes as you grow older. That totally makes sense.
0:25:12 – Speaker 2
So in wrapping up this show today, we covered a lot of territory, a lot of stuff. One, be real and authentic with yourself and with others. Two, learn to respectfully voice your true opinions and thoughts. And three, you will mature and change. Keep communicating and be real with your family about those changes.
0:25:33 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page