0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the Word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter, find our video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 2
Let’s be honest. sometimes you and your spouse just cannot seem to agree. Today we’re going to talk about how to disagree, but still get on the same page. I get the pleasure and honor of doing this show with my husband. Mandy’s not here today, and so we’re kind of taking this from a marriage perspective. So welcome to the show.
0:00:55 – Speaker 3
Hey, I know It’s so great to be here again. It’s so much fun. I love it.
0:00:58 – Speaker 2
And if you haven’t listened to any of our shows before, we have a whole bunch of shows, marriage shows specifically, and Mandy and Matt also have some too. My husband, charles is. well, you can introduce yourself. How about that? Tell us what you do and who you are. Who are you?
0:01:14 – Speaker 3
Who am I? Well, i’m a public school administrator, so I’ve been in education for quite a while, so I get a chance to see all sorts of fun things on a campus on a fairly large scale.
0:01:27 – Speaker 2
Middle school Right now middle school.
0:01:30 – Speaker 3
But I’ve done the older kids as well. So I get a chance to see a lot of different struggles And I get a chance to help families in a way that I wouldn’t be able to like if it was like in a church setting or in my own family, because our kids are not quite yet in middle school, and so I get a chance to do that And I’ve been doing it for quite some time. I’ve still got a lot to learn, just kind of like marriage, even though we’ve been married for 97 years now 98,.
98 years now And we’re approaching the century mark And we still got a lot to learn. And for those of you that don’t know, that’s like an inside joke between Kim and I, because I’m the one that can remember our anniversary and how many actual years we’ve been married.
0:02:13 – Speaker 2
Kim sometimes throws out numbers that are Listen, folks, i have been known to forget my birthday, so I’m just not a numbers gal And I’m thankful for my husband, because I’m like the guy in the typical sitcom who can’t remember the anniversary.
0:02:27 – Speaker 3
Well, this is a great segue into the topic for today’s show. I think is maybe you’re not so much a numbers person. Yes, And this can sometimes lead to.
0:02:34 – Speaker 2
0:02:36 – Speaker 3
Disagreements right when the topic of today’s show is When we just don’t agree. We just don’t agree.
0:02:42 – Speaker 2
Yeah, well, this is a good one because it’s going to happen. We do want to give a little caveat here. Disagreeing on major issues can and will happen, but we want to make sure you know that we’re not talking about the non-negotiables, like your belief in Jesus, or moral and legal issues like big things Like you can’t go into marriage in one person believing in like polygamy and you being like well, we’ll just go along with it.
0:03:05 – Speaker 3
Well, yeah, that’s extreme.
0:03:07 – Speaker 2
That was an extreme example.
0:03:08 – Speaker 3
Well, i think also, like you know, for those of you that are, you know, thinking about getting married out there, so those engaged couples that may be listening to the show, or you have somebody that you know, that’s you know.
0:03:18 – Speaker 2
Your kid may be about to get married. Right, a kid who already gets.
0:03:21 – Speaker 3
These are some things. That’s why that pre-marriage counseling is so important, so you can really uncover some of those big differences, because there are some big differences that could just end up in a very quick divorce, yeah.
0:03:32 – Speaker 2
Or long-term sufferings.
0:03:33 – Speaker 3
Or yeah right, or some really really bad things you know down the road. So yeah, so polygamy would definitely be one That would imply in most Yes, yes, I’ve watched reality shows In most states really, that’s actually against the law.
But no, there’s some other things too You know, just really important, like the big things. You want to iron those things out. But as you get married or as you become married and you kind of work out your differences, there’s just going to be like these get-to-know-you kind of moments where you think you know everything about your spouse when you get married. But as you get older and as you kind of like go through new experiences together, you’re going to see things differently, you’re going to attack different problems differently.
0:04:13 – Speaker 2
And I think we grow and change, and so you may have figured some things out in your early marriage And then, like, here we are, 20 years later, still realizing oh yeah, i feel differently about that And I used to say all the time let’s just agree to disagree. That’s something my mom used to say. It’s one of those social norms And I’m really realizing. Especially, i listened to a podcast other than nextTalk and it was going through leadership And one of the things they talked about was agreement versus alignment And it really really stuck with me because it was such a better definition to me than agreeing to disagree, because that’s just like saying, okay, we’re not gonna agree, we’re gonna go our separate ways and do our own thing.
0:04:56 – Speaker 3
Right, you just table the discussion, or maybe it never even gets addressed at all. Yes, right if you disagree, to disagree, and then what you’re never gonna come back to it later.
0:05:03 – Speaker 2
Yeah, what does that even mean?
0:05:04 – Speaker 3
We’re just gonna agree to not do anything and then it never gets resolved right? Yes right and then we never move anywhere. Or if it does get moved or pushed, because maybe one spouse is more Passionate or dominant about a particular topic, then there’s resentment later on. And I thought we just agreed to disagree. We did disagree, but we did it my way anyway. Oh you know, I mean and so then we end up having some issues later on.
0:05:25 – Speaker 2
That’s so good. So this agreement versus alignment concept I think if you’ve never heard about it, it’s a big thing, and leadership training and it was new to me, but it made so much sense. So here’s kind of a definition of what that means. Alignment means you can support a decision as if it were your own, even though you might have done something different, if ultimately, we’re up to you. Okay so does that make sense?
Okay so you know, if it was just me making a decision, i’m just gonna go forward and this is what I’m gonna do. But if it’s more than one person and you feel differently than the other person, you agree to be aligned. Like you, you listen, you understand. This is the plan. We’re gonna be in alignment together and move forward.
0:06:08 – Speaker 3
All right, i could visualize that as like actually being in a line, like maybe instead of Both partners, kind of taking a lead. Somebody’s actually taking the lead and then everybody else kind of follows along, even though They might have done it differently. But we’re gonna agree to kind of follow this particular path. We’re gonna follow this one. Okay, i got it All right, sounds good now, agreement is really cool too.
0:06:30 – Speaker 2
Agreement is when you come to the table to discuss, you know, an issue, a topic, a plan, and both parties really believe in the direction and the decision. Like it’s your own, it’s a personal choice, and so you’re on the same page from day one. You agree to move forward in this way and everybody Decides.
0:06:48 – Speaker 3
I got it. This is more like you’re standing hand-in-hand and you’re walking together and not. so I got you.
0:06:53 – Speaker 2
Okay, yes, yes, so that’s the difference alignment and agreement. You know we wanted to share a story about this because this is a big thing and we want to give you a tangible explanation. And then what that looks like moving through an issue How to, how can you be aligned? and what it doesn’t look like, and how that works in marriage, especially So we want to give the example of Disney World. Yes, because this just happened.
0:07:16 – Speaker 3
This just happened.
0:07:17 – Speaker 2
0:07:19 – Speaker 3
It is just fresh burned into my memory and also through my wallet yes and So this is. This is a good example of alignment, not necessarily agreement. Of course. I agreed to go, we drove there, i drove most of the way and I drove all the way back in one trip because I could not wait to get out 17 hours straight, yeah, and Kim was like wow, you’re, you’re pretty amazing. I don’t know if I’d be any more motivated to leave Orlando and to get home as quickly as possible.
0:07:48 – Speaker 2
So We should give some background.
0:07:51 – Speaker 3
0:07:51 – Speaker 2
I grew up going to Disneyland, disney World, every year with my mom or my dad and It was just this magical place, wonderful memories, and so before we ever met in my mind Some day, we would take me and my spouse would take our kids to Disneyland or Disney World. Like that was just a thing, yeah, and never thought about that. Someone might think differently. That’s just something that you do when you grow up in the US.
0:08:15 – Speaker 3
I guess I kind of thought that as well. I never went as a kid, this is my first time going was when we just went. When we just went. So As a kid I guess I assumed that I would go at some point, because it seems to be like, you know, an American treasure. I should just go for the experience. You know, it’s something that people just do. I guess at some point, you know when, when they’ve exhausted all other options and They I don’t know, they just seemed like way too happy. Well, i think most people should know this about me as well before we go any further.
Like I don’t like crowds, or rides or rides, and I don’t do well on the heat.
0:08:49 – Speaker 2
Hmm. So, so it’s good We plan this trip in July.
0:08:52 – Speaker 3
Yeah right, perfect timing, although I don’t know if there would have been a better time of year to actually go for me personally, so I guess I just got in a line. I just, you know, got behind. You wasn’t really like leading the charge here. I know I offered some suggestions and whatnot, but really this was so that our kids could enjoy Something, and I had to really try hard To not bring up some of the things that I disagreed with along the way well, Let’s rewind and talk about what that looked like, because alignment what’s really key with alignment is that when you make that decision, it has to come first with discussion.
0:09:32 – Speaker 2
So it wasn’t like I said. listen, Buster, I don’t even say Buster. But, it’s not like I said, listen, we’re going.
0:09:40 – Speaker 3
This is like a 1940s. This is what’s happening again, like crowd detective show Hey Buster.
0:09:45 – Speaker 2
Hey, buster, listen, we’re going to Disney World. Get in a line with me. This is how this, how much we’re spending. It wasn’t like that. It was me saying here’s what I think would be something really cool for our family. It’s not a must do, but it’s something I would really like to do. I did the research, i showed the budget, the plan, all the things, and then I heard you out for years.
0:10:11 – Speaker 3
And then there’s also college for the children.
0:10:13 – Speaker 2
Clothes and food.
0:10:14 – Speaker 3
And there’s also retirement.
0:10:16 – Speaker 2
But I did hear you out. No, here’s my concerns. This is why I think it’s a bad idea This I could see these good things about it, like you were. You were good about it, sharing all the different facets. Then we made a decision together.
0:10:31 – Speaker 3
I surrendered, i think really I don’t know really.
And that’s why I think a lot of dads out there and husbands are like, look, i can’t really come up with anything better than just not going. And so I’m like look, let’s just do it. Let’s like and I think guys often do this It’s like we want to provide for our families, we want them to experience certain things. Sometimes we don’t have the best ideas on how to do that, so a lot of times we’re like, okay, that sounds like a good idea, let’s do it. And then sometimes you look at the numbers on it, the financial side of it or maybe the time commitment on it if it was something else And then you’re like, oh my goodness, this maybe you sure I don’t know, Did I agree to all of this?
Oh man, this is a bad idea, but I think it was just something that really I’m glad that we went, you know, but I had to. Really I struggled, i struggled before, i struggled there internally. And then I struggled, even almost today, a little bit like, kind of like after the fact, like I’m. the kids still talk about it And I really love that. I love the fact that they do that And it’s just. it’s just so different than anything that I would have done on my own.
0:11:38 – Speaker 2
0:11:38 – Speaker 3
So that’s why it’s not an aligned or it’s not an agreed thing, but it was aligned And I just I have to now just accept that that’s what we did. Yes, And I have to move on from there. I can’t bring it up anymore.
0:11:48 – Speaker 2
Well, and that’s the key, It’s something that we didn’t agree on but we aligned on, and you made that decision like, okay, we’re going to make this choice And I’m not going to try to stop it or make it bad or awful, and we’re going to talk about some of that language later, of how you truly can be aligned with something you don’t necessarily agree.
0:12:07 – Speaker 3
Right. And you don’t want a marriage of just alignment, no, right, because then you end up having those relationships where you’re kind of just towing the other spouse along, right, yeah. And you see, like that, that poor guy at Michael’s or at a, at a, like a department store, where he’s just like on his phone, like sitting, just looking for like the next closest chair while the wife tries on bras or whatever, and or you know, the next weekend like he’s out with his boys, like doing fantasy football leagues, and then there’s everybody just kind of is like alignment, they’re all in agreement, but they’re doing everything separate, right. And so we want to get everybody to back on agreement side. We want people to agree that the things that we’re doing together and nothing against, you know, fantasy football leagues or going and shopping with your wife, but we just don’t want your existence as a married couple.
0:12:51 – Speaker 2
Marriage should not be like that. That’s a great point. So alignment is something that sometimes we make the choice to do, but it shouldn’t be the number one definition of our marriage and our relationship And it, hopefully, is the goal Right. Alignment is a choice, cool, i like it, you know. I think one thing we need to say is that differences can be good as long as there’s respect in those differences, and I think this was a good example, like Charles and I, as we began to discuss this Disney trip and we were talking about this show. Another good example of that is the cash system.
0:13:27 – Speaker 3
0:13:28 – Speaker 2
So if you’re familiar with Dave Ransey and his cash system, that’s something we implemented a long time ago in our family And then we got away from it And just recently my husband said look, we had this whole thing And what we go into that in another show, which is a great show it’s called being wrong can make things right. So definitely listen to that show. But the point being with the cash system, when he presented it again, is something that he wanted me to agree with. This time, unlike the Disney trip, it was like the opposite. I made the decision to be in line with the cash system, but we weren’t necessarily in agreement, and the reason why we made that decision at first was because I was able to have a respectful conversation with him, and that is key.
Differences are good because sometimes your perspective is not something that your spouse has even thought of. So, for example, i am the one who manages the household in the day to day the groceries, the clothes, the school supplies, all of those things. You all know what I’m talking about The paper towels no toilet paper.
0:14:34 – Speaker 3
You don’t do the toilet paper.
0:14:37 – Speaker 2
So I am the one who would have to carry around the bulk of the cash, and when you’re talking about cash for groceries, eating out, school supplies, clothes, that’s a lot of cash in my wallet And I remember thinking like or presenting that to him. Listen, i have to carry it this around, you don’t, and that’s stressful for me. It’s a lot to manage. What if I lose it? And so being able to present your ideas and your concerns in a respectful manner and discuss it A lot of times brings new ideas to the table that help you get into agreement or create an alignment that will work better.
0:15:09 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and I totally agree, because I hate when there’s like too much stuff in my wallet or pocket or whatever. So I understood that. So I was like, well, what if we did the cash system but we only had, like, you know, what you carry like normally, like just your groceries and eat out because we have like a portion of that.
Or just a small amount of it. You know that way it’s. You know, if you do lose wallet or it gets stolen or something like that, then we’re not, you know, we’re not hurting the next month. And so we’ve came up with a pretty, i think, agreed upon way to kind of move forward. Because, you know, we looked at the. You know we looked at our finances and we’re like man, i think we need to do something different. Well, at least that’s where I was coming from, i think, when we were maybe using the cards a little too much. Maybe let’s go back to some real basic, you know cash based, you know style of spending and see if we could really tighten it up a little bit. And, of course, this is one of those great things about going to Disney is it really makes you analyze your budget.
Back to the Disney. We’re like you know so hey, so we’re lining here folks. You know like this is a great opportunity to revisit. Really, if we want to go back, because the kids, as soon as we left, they’re like when can we go back? Can we go back next year, or whatever? And I’m like well, we got to really fun for something like this Again. Now it’s like either this, or now it’s, or you know it’s a big expense And so how are you going to pay for something like that? So let’s look at the budget And because of that it was really a chance for us to, you know, get back on track, and now we really have great conversations and agreement on almost everything financial.
0:16:32 – Speaker 2
Now If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 2 pm on AM 6 30,. the word nextTalk Radio is sponsored in part by the PAX Financial Group and listeners just like you. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. go to nextTalk.org and click on give.
0:17:18 – Speaker 1
San Antonio’s PAX Financial Group. 2 1 0 8 8 1 5700 PAXFinancialGroupcom.
0:17:24 – Speaker 2
Investment advisory services offered through PAX Financial Group. If you’re just now tuning in, today I have a special guest. My husband, charles, and we are talking about when we just don’t agree, and we’ve talked about kind of a new way of looking at things agreement versus alignment, a little bit about how differences can be good as long as you have respectful discussion, and we’re talking about that right now. In terms of money, we decided to recently go back on the cash system And at first we were not in agreement but we got in line. I got in line behind Charles’s leadership and said okay, you’ve listened to me, we’ve discussed it, we’ve compromised a little bit. I’m going to get in alignment with you as we make this decision. But here’s something really cool A lot of times, when you are in alignment in your marriage and there’s respectful, ongoing conversation, open communication, you can shift from alignment to agreement.
And that is such a good place to be Such a good And it’s so good to be celebrating because you get on the same page and you’re like, oh my goodness, i you know, i agreed to get in line with you, but now I really see it.
0:18:30 – Speaker 3
0:18:31 – Speaker 2
And you’re in agreement, and that is a blessing.
0:18:33 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think also, too, it’s been helpful to you know, for you who have been in charge of the finances, like for the majority of our marriage, for you to kind of say maybe it’s your turn to start taking the lead on the alignment side. So I start leading us a different way. And then we start seeing like hey, maybe this is where we need to be, not to say that I do it better, just say like at this point in our lives, like maybe this is the way that we should do it, and then we become we are now in agreement on a whole new path.
0:18:56 – Speaker 2
0:18:56 – Speaker 3
Right And so allowing, yeah, to do that respectfully and to do it together and to do it openly and to have, you know, conversations about it, and we have. we’ve probably had more conversations about the like, our budget and finances in the last month or two. then we had maybe the last like five years.
0:19:14 – Speaker 2
0:19:15 – Speaker 3
You know, and because we’re really in alignment, we’re really in agreement, we’re kind of checking base, checking in with each other before we spend anything or before, like any sort of bills are due or any sort of things that we’re really now aligned and agreed upon and kind of moving forward, and I think it’s a really good place for us to be. It’s the best place we’ve been since we’ve been married and we’ve been married, like I said earlier, 135 years.
0:19:35 – Speaker 2
Amazing And we look good for 136. So the last point we want to make is once you agree to be aligned maybe you’re not in agreement, but you’re deciding on alignment and the decision. You really need to be on board And you really even though you joked about it and you’re talking about your internal voice when we told the Disney story if you agree you agree that you’re not completely in agreement you’re aligned. It’s really. You’ve gone through the process of respectful listening, discussing, making a decision. It’s really important to live that out. This is really key. Alignment does not mean okay, we’re going to do this thing, but I’m going to buck the system the entire way.
0:20:20 – Speaker 3
Right. Arms crossed and a scowl on the face kind of thing. Just waiting for somebody to trip up, right?
0:20:25 – Speaker 2
Yes, you know that half-hearted effort where you’re like okay and you make everybody’s life miserable. That’s not alignment. That’s not what that looks like. You know those side comments. Or, like me, i’m really bad about making these expressions with my face. I might be saying with my mouth, yes, i am on board, but my face is saying you are crazy, I’m not doing this. That’s not true alignment.
Or talking behind your spouse’s back like telling your friends my husband wants to do this thing and I’m like okay, but I really hate it. Or with your kids.
0:20:56 – Speaker 3
That is so detrimental. Teaching them a really bad habit, right? Yes, as far as, like when they get married, you know, kind of setting that standard for them. It’s like that’s not how we treat our spouse. We don’t treat them with respect. If we’re going to do it like that, that’s really a good, important lesson to model or not to model for your kids. Yes, if your dad’s away or if mom’s away and we don’t agree with things that the other spouse is doing, don’t tell your kids that.
0:21:19 – Speaker 2
0:21:20 – Speaker 3
Don’t be like, hey, well, you know your mom really wants to go on this trip and that’s the reason why we don’t have money for this, or your dad really wants to tighten up on the finances and that’s why we can’t have nice things. So if you want to complain about something, you know, go talk to your father, kind of thing. Yes, so that could be, you know, a really, really bad thing, not just for your own current relationship, but then, like your kid’s future marriage as well.
0:21:42 – Speaker 2
So true, so you’re modeling for them what a healthy marriage looks like, what open communication looks like in a marriage, and if you are back talking, or if you’re talking bad about your spouse behind their back, like that’s terrible. That’s not the kind of legacy that any of us want to leave.
0:21:56 – Speaker 3
I think probably the biggest thing for me has just been, like, once the decision has been made and the path has already been, you know, traveled on or maybe you’ve already, you know, like for it’s if it was a vacation and you’ve already come back from the vacation, it don’t bring up the the negative side of those things again, right, don’t the?
0:22:14 – Speaker 2
0:22:14 – Speaker 3
Yeah, don’t revisit and don’t be, especially if it was just like one person really leading the way. Don’t bring back like the negative things that kind of went along with that experience, right, If you were in alignment. Right, you kind of give up that right to complain about it right.
Because you guys are. We’re a married couple, we’re a spouse, we make decisions together, and so I’m not going to bring up how much, you know, the trip costs or what we should have done instead or anything else like that. Like that’s something that we made together. You know, even though it was more something like the that you and the kids wanted to do. I, you know, i was fully got in line.
I was in line and I was 100% behind it And I cannot, as a in a respectful way And as your husband, i can’t bring that up as a negative experience.
0:22:58 – Speaker 2
Right Only on radio, when we’re giving examples of the inner voice. Well, no, it was it was.
0:23:03 – Speaker 3
I think, well, yeah, right, especially like in, especially in front of our kids, right, and I don’t ever want to like think of that as a negative thing. Obviously, it was a learning experience for me And it got, you know, it got me out of my shell. I rode rides for like the first time I only got sick because I ate too much at a buffet. I wasn’t like as nauseous as I thought I was going to be. You know I tolerated the heat and the crowds. I thought, pretty well.
0:23:24 – Speaker 2
I think that’s a really great example is, you know, that was something he didn’t want to do at all. He decided with me, we talked it through, made that decision as a family, and while we were there the whole time even though I know you really well and you were struggling the whole time, though you jumped in 100%, like you said. You rode the rides, you took all the goofy pictures, you did all the things, you wore the matching t-shirts that I had made Goofy wasn’t quite a few of our pictures You put on the funny hat?
I mean you did all the things And it was a great experience so much fun for the kids And so being in alignment with such a blessing for our family that you made that choice and that we decided together that this was what our family was going to look like, and so alignment can really be a blessing when agreement is not something you can reach.
0:24:13 – Speaker 3
Right, and I’m not going to use that over you in the future either. Right I’m not going to be like Hey, remember that time I went to Disney. You know I agreed to go with you, so now you need to follow along with me on this particular path.
0:24:24 – Speaker 2
0:24:24 – Speaker 3
It doesn’t get you to build a sort of like a you have to do this for me account. Yeah. So it’s important to kind of make sure you use that, or don’t use that, as sort of leverage in the future decisions.
0:24:33 – Speaker 2
That’s so true. So agree to disagree does not work. That just tables things and never finds a solution. Alignment versus agreement is a great way to approach marriage. That’s our first tip. Number two differences can be good as long as there’s respectful conversation that’s involved. And number three once you’re on board, really be on board. You know you can’t be aligned and then be talking behind your spouse’s back, saying bad things or bringing it up after the fact. Then you were never truly aligned in the first place. And again, i just want to remind everybody that you can end a decision, decide on alignment versus agreement, but then pray about it, ask the Lord to bring you agreement within that decision, and that can happen. We’ve seen it happen in our marriage, where we’ve decided on alignment and down the road as we’ve walked through it, we’ve come to a place of agreement, and that has been such a blessing, such a good part of our journey. Well, thank you for being on the show today.
0:25:30 – Speaker 3
Well, I love being here. Thanks for having me. Absolutely All right.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, The Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page