0:00:00 – Speaker 1
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0:00:34 – Speaker 2
Today we’re doing a show called when People Disappoint. Ooh, that sounds really hard, sounds real bad. We just came off doing a show about Created for Humanity, which is like Yay, Find your inner circle, and it’s so important to do that right. I think about Jesus with. You know his disciples and when they started doing crazy stuff, like Thomas doubting him, you know he wanted to be just like slapping him like you’re disappointing me, son.
0:01:04 – Speaker 3
So for real, I’m the savior of the world.
0:01:07 – Speaker 2
You have spent all this time with me, you have seen what I’ve done and you need to see the nail-scarred hands. You need to see that right now. Yes, right, but people are going to disappoint us and I think we need to talk about that because I think a lot of times when people disappoint us, we run away from their relationship or we just cut it off completely, and sometimes that’s necessary. You know, if it’s a serious issue like abuse or something like that, I think we’re talking more today about like smaller things. Like maybe you realize how people handle their finances or you realize they believe something differently than you and you’re just like what? I can’t believe that, you know.
0:01:46 – Speaker 3
You’re just like so disappointed that you’re not on the same page Absolutely, and that’s really where this, you know, the idea for this show came from. I was spending some time with a dear friend of mine and she came. I just see it like yesterday. She came down the set of stairs and she turned the corner and I locked eyes with her and I just knew there was like this heaviness on her shoulders, like a burden.
0:02:08 – Speaker 2
Because she’s in your community and you know her.
0:02:10 – Speaker 3
Yes, she’s your inner circle.
0:02:11 – Speaker 2
That’s right, that’s what we’re talking about here, A friend who knows when something’s wrong without saying something’s wrong.
0:02:17 – Speaker 3
You’re absolutely right, that’s community, that’s community. I just looked at her and I was like what’s wrong, sister? And she said I’m just really disappointed.
I’m just disappointed, you know.
It just came out Like she realized in that moment, like I need to just say this it was weighing on her, she had been dealing with it and she had realized that someone she really looked up to was not the person she thought they were.
You know, and that happens, I think it happens especially as we grow up and as we parent and as life comes at us, people change and sometimes they disappoint us, even in our own family. And so we talked through it and we, you know, we agreed to pray together about it on going. But it just took me right back in that moment, seeing her eyes to a few real specific times in my life where someone I looked up to or someone I just loved and felt like I knew, really disappointed me and it was like a crushing feeling, like you can’t believe it, because this is someone that you thought you knew so well and that you could depend on for this thing, and it changed a lot of things and it took me back to that moment. I thought we got to talk about this on the radio because it’s a big deal, not only for us, but because we want to learn how to navigate it well, but also how do we model it well for our kids?
0:03:38 – Speaker 2
So many things comes to mind when you share that story with me. You know I’ve had a lot of people share their stories with me, especially at events like one-on-one, when I meet with them afterwards and it’s oh my gosh, you know, my parents didn’t do this for me and now I have to do it for my kids.
I have to break the cycle, that’s what comes to mind right off the bat, and then also things like our kids are going to disappoint us, Like that’s going to happen. You know, one of the big things we say around here is you’re a good kid. It’s going to make mistakes, Default to love. There’s going to be disappointment involved.
0:04:08 – Speaker 3
This morning Okay.
0:04:10 – Speaker 2
Two minutes ago. Yeah what.
0:04:12 – Speaker 3
0:04:14 – Speaker 2
And then I think about people like pastors, mentors, people that we put on pedestals, that we really seek advice for or from, and they’re going to steer us the wrong direction or they’re going to say something that maybe doesn’t draw us closer to Jesus. Sometimes, you know, and I think that’s where we have to really be careful about separating people from God God is different and people are. You know, we’re all messed up, even a pastor that’s. They’re human, human right, and so we have to remember that, and I think it’s so important as we go into the show to keep thinking about that.
0:04:54 – Speaker 3
So we’re going to discuss three ideas that can help deal with disappointment. One have realistic expectations from the start and voice them when appropriate. Two people aren’t perfect. Everyone is human and all will disappoint you. And three Jesus is the only one who will not let you down. So let’s get started. Number one have realistic expectations and voice them when appropriate.
0:05:18 – Speaker 2
Expectations. This is a biggie. We did a series on this.
0:05:23 – Speaker 1
We did Remember that and I go back to that.
0:05:26 – Speaker 2
It’s expectations for your spouse, expectations for your kids and expectations, I think, like for your friends and community.
0:05:32 – Speaker 3
And for yourself, for yourself, yes, that’s right, this is big Expectations are big. Well, I will tell you, I talk about my husband a lot because he’s, you know, around.
0:05:46 – Speaker 2
I came out all wrong.
0:05:48 – Speaker 3
You know what I?
0:05:49 – Speaker 2
mean A lot of time with your husband. We have so many stories. There’s lots of teachable moments here. Poor Charles, oh poor Charles. He has to sign a disclaimer with every show that we do. Yes, you can share the story about me.
0:06:01 – Speaker 3
And just so you know, I do ask him ahead of time every time. That’s our rule, Is it OK? Yeah, Is it OK. And then, you know, when I started thinking about this show, my mind went in so many different directions and then I thought you know, here’s a simple one that I think a simple story I think a lot of people that could relate to maybe is marriage and expectations in marriage. And when we were first married, you know, my husband’s a wonderful man but he’s not a mind reader and I had all these internal expectations of him that were neither voiced nor were they even realistic, and I didn’t even realize it.
0:06:33 – Speaker 2
So did you think that there were going to be, like, rose petals on the bed every night, or like what? What’s that? Like your expectations?
0:06:43 – Speaker 3
You’re going to laugh. You’re really going to laugh.
I know I shouldn’t have asked you shouldn’t have so two that I remember real, that were big. They were real big is I wanted to go to this craft fair and I was like Charles, there’s a craft fair and it was right before Christmas. And I was like it’s this Saturday, it’s at two o’clock, so, ok, yes, and the look he gave me was like I had taken a dagger and like stabbed him in the heart, which means like you want to go, that ain’t happening. Yeah, like what? Yeah, that’s more like what it was, like I had just asked him to get on the crazy train.
0:07:17 – Speaker 2
Like where was that?
0:07:18 – Speaker 3
in our vows Exactly, and I just was. I didn’t even ask him, I just was like there’s a class Signed up like you’re going. Not even that Like that he would be so excited to go Like. I didn’t even have to ask like what’s been time with my wife? Yes, bring on the crafts, like that’s what I imagined, and my favorite movie is Steel Magnolia. So I’m talking like two weeks into our marriage. I’m like crafty. Or let’s see a blade and watch Steel Magnolia.
0:07:44 – Speaker 2
Let’s talk about my mom. What have I got myself into? Yeah, wow.
0:07:48 – Speaker 3
OK, so here’s the deal I know that sounds ridiculous when you’re thinking.
0:07:52 – Speaker 2
This is a good analogy. This is a good analogy. I like where you’re going with this.
0:07:55 – Speaker 3
Well, it’s because it sounds so silly and like how could you think that? But I think it’s because, coming from a single mom and it was just me and her all the time and not ever knowing what a real healthy marriage looked like and what role that look like, and not ever really. I mean, we did marriage classes, we even taught marriage classes, which is kind of scary when you think about now, and we were in a lot of marriage ministry, but for some reason it never clicked for me that Charles was not supposed to fill every role in my life other than Jesus. Oops, that’s kind of important to know, like, oh, I’m supposed to also have friends who want to go to the craft fair and that want to stay up late and talk about girly things, like that’s not Charles’s job.
0:08:38 – Speaker 2
But I think many of us put people whether it’s our spouse or our best friend or our kids and we expect them to fill ourselves. And this is where it can go wrong really fast, because people aren’t meant to fill our souls. There’s only one that’s meant to fill that and that’s Jesus. But we do that and they become idols in our lives. These people become idols and then when they disappoint us, we’re crushed and we can’t. You know, marriage is end and we disown our kids and whatever we do, because we don’t realize that they’re imperfect, they’re not going to fill every need that we have.
0:09:23 – Speaker 3
Well, and the reason I wanted to use that example is because it sounded silly but it was real, and it was a series of small expectations like that that Charles, like you said, could fill every role, and I put him on a pedestal and then when he, like, literally fell off the pedestal in front of my eyes, and all this is internal, by the way, and I’m building up resentment, building up resentment.
he fell off the pedestal, like then I was mad at him, so here I’ve not voiced any of my expectations to what I want you to live up to. You kill all the stuff for me, and then I’m mad at you and I’ve never voiced any of this, so you can imagine that conversation was fun. You just said yeah.
0:10:04 – Speaker 2
I did, and the boys made fun of us on the Father’s Day show for saying that.
0:10:08 – Speaker 1
0:10:09 – Speaker 2
And I about lost it over here when you said it.
0:10:11 – Speaker 3
I’m so sorry, I’m sweating, I’m sweating.
0:10:14 – Speaker 2
The boys were right, though we say yes, when we really know it, yes. Because we get so excited about what the other one is saying.
0:10:21 – Speaker 3
That’s something Charles would never say but I expected him to.
Yes, but that’s the thing. Can somebody tell them we believed it was them, or what? People disappoint us, and sometimes it’s not their fault, and that’s one of the points. So you know, we had this big argument. We finally talked through it. Here’s this person that I love the most on the earth, and I was angry at him, and what I learned from that, though, is what we can tell our kids, and that’s our second point People are not perfect. Everyone is human and will disappoint you, and that’s a hard pill to swallow.
0:10:52 – Speaker 2
I had a mentor once that that told me and I loved this, and now I actually say it to people when they’re asking my advice. I’ll say like here’s what I would do in my family, but Jesus knows your circumstances more than me, so I need you to press into what Jesus wants you to do, because so many times we give advice and we tell people you know like I’m talking about mentorship and pastors and you know people like that give advice on their life experiences and sometimes it’s the wrong advice. You can’t always listen to people. Sometimes Jesus may be saying press into this and everybody’s saying over here logically, this does not make sense. I remember just recently I came to you and Matt and I was like, hey, I want to write a book of my event presentation, like that’s what I want to do and you both were like that’s a horrible idea, like nobody’s gonna have you speak anymore.
I was like what are you talking about? And I’m like I don’t know why. But God is just telling me to create this resource of my event because everybody wants me to speak and I can’t get there. Like I can’t. You know the schedule’s so crazy. And now here we are, we can’t do events. Yeah, and it’s one of those moments where I knew Jesus was pushing me into it and I love and respect you and Matt, like you’re the ones that can get through to me with anything right and say don’t do this, sister. But I just knew Jesus was pressing me into it. I think that’s an example of when sometimes you have to listen to God over everybody.
0:12:29 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it’s because we don’t we don’t.
0:12:31 – Speaker 2
people don’t see the big picture. Yeah, they don’t know what’s coming and God does.
0:12:35 – Speaker 3
And the other side of what you’re saying here that goes to our point is that even the people like Charles, me and Matt, even the people we love the most, will disappoint you Absolutely and not even mean to. Yeah, you know, charles disappointed me because he didn’t and he didn’t even know about it, like it was all internal. He’s not crazy. He’s like we didn’t even know. He’s like what is happening?
0:12:58 – Speaker 2
to my life. He’s like over here going to car shows.
0:13:00 – Speaker 3
Yeah, what’s the deal?
0:13:03 – Speaker 2
Yeah, so well, and it’s. It’s we got to point out here. He did nothing wrong he did nothing wrong.
0:13:09 – Speaker 3
It was, like you said, all your internal crazy, all of my internal craziness and that’s why you have to have realistic expectations and voice them, because sometimes the person doesn’t even know they’re disappointing you If you’re just not tuning in. This is nextTalk Radio at 2 pm on AM 6 30. The word nextTalk Radio is sponsored in part by the PAX financial group and listeners just like you. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to NextTalkorg and click on get.
0:13:41 – Speaker 1
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0:14:07 – Speaker 3
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0:14:09 – Speaker 2
Group. If you’re just now joining our show, we’re doing an episode on when people disappoints and we talked about expectations and the first show and you shared the funny story about Charles on the craft show and all that. That’s really funny. And then we moved into our second point. People aren’t perfect. They’re going to disappoint. And I kind of shared about mentors and pastors, people in your life, your inner circle, people giving you advice. It may not be the best advice sometimes, and it’s not that they intend to steer you down a wrong path, but they just don’t see the big picture like God does. But then, also kind of talking about this point of people disappointing, you know, when we say that, I know that in your mind you’re probably thinking about a friend who let you down or your parents who you know you grew up, and you’re like, whoa, you’re not the person I thought you were. Or you know a sister or whatever, whatever, whatever I need to co-worker, I want you to think about the fact, because I feel like this is humbling and we all need to think about it. We’re going to be the people that disappoint someone. We’re going to be the person and I think when we wrap our mind around that we’ll have a little more grace and empathy for when other people disappoint us.
This is something that I’ve really, you know, been struggling with a lot. I am a one, an Enneagram one, and so that’s the perfectionist, and I always want to give the best advice and, you know, answer the questions the best of my ability. You know all the things, and I have had a lot of moments where I’ve had to realize or say I don’t know, you need to pray about this, like I’m not sure what to do in this situation. You need to pray about this, and I think it’s super important that we realize a lot of times we do give advice that we shouldn’t be giving, or we speak into a situation that we don’t know, or we may disappoint somebody, and it’s not our fault. Like people may not like me because I post Bible verses on Twitter. They may unfollow me, and I’ve got to be okay with that, that I’ve disappointed those people, that they’re not my people, and that’s okay, and so I think we just have to realize that. That’s important, and it really makes me think, too.
This year is a political year and we don’t like politics. I mean, just vote for whoever you want to vote for we love you the same, no matter what. But you’re going to disappoint somebody, probably, or you’re going to get into a fight with a family member. Don’t let that ruin your relationship. Like it’s okay if you guys disagree, it’s okay if you don’t vote the same, it’s okay if you go to a different denomination church, you know, find the, the strengths where you agree. Find those things where you can be cohesive and not divisive.
0:17:08 – Speaker 3
Man, that just brings up so many thoughts for me, but two that really stick and I hold on to these dearly and I pray that my kids think of these things when they think of me as they get older, because right now they’re in the age where they think that I’m like pretty awesome.
0:17:23 – Speaker 2
And I know that’s about to end in about five minutes. That’s a cool age but it will get ends.
0:17:28 – Speaker 3
I’m soaking it in, because I mean, I ended it for myself already. I’m like they’re coming right by me.
0:17:33 – Speaker 2
Yeah, before long they’re going to be like yeah, that doesn’t look right, go change your clothes. All that stuff’s coming.
0:17:38 – Speaker 3
So I mean, if you can think about that and I know that sounds very simple, but if you can think about that that there’s this season of life where these people that are you know, your kids or young people see you as pretty cool and pretty amazing. And if you think about yourself, you see all your flaws because you’re an adult. You know what you have messed up on, you know what you struggle with. That they don’t see. But pretty soon they’re going to see that and you’re trying your best. You really are you. You’re maybe you’re doing the work to do a better job at some things, but we all struggle and they will soon see that.
Now apply that to this person in your life. Yes, like we don’t know what season they’re going through, we don’t know what has been broken or how Satan is pushing on every button for them. We don’t know if something has happened in their life that suddenly they feel completely unable to manage or do will do well, or give up to the Lord to help them with. So apply that same thing that suddenly you are now seeing them in this new stage of life and they don’t want you to see them in a bad way, but you see it because you’ve grown and you know you’re able to recognize your maturing.
You see things yes, exactly in yourself and others Exactly, and so I’m just calling on the empathy card here because I think it’s very easy for us to get caught in that moment that hurts. Which takes us to these points I want to share, because sometimes we just need some practical stuff like what can I just do in the season and model for my kids? And the first one I want to tell you that we oftentimes miss or we are shamed for doing is grief. It is okay to be sad.
No, I’m serious Really Because people will say like get over it or you feel guilty, like, oh my gosh, why am I crying over this? Like, whatever it is, listen, if it hurts or it has struck you deep down or it’s really a big thing like a very important relationship, give yourself the grace and time to grieve. It’s important. You need to do that and give it to Jesus, like cry at his feet, put it all out there, but then walk away and leave it at his feet.
0:19:56 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think too. I think that’s a great point and we often do miss it because we’re so busy and we just gloss over it and it’s hard, or we don’t think it’s important, it’s hard to grieve because you have to, like, think about all the hurtful stuff. And it may not be you being disappointed in someone Again. It may be a friend walked away because you can’t be all that they want you to be, absolutely.
0:20:19 – Speaker 3
That may be the key.
0:20:20 – Speaker 2
And that hurts. So it may not and again, neither one of you may be doing anything wrong. They voice their expectations and you’re like I can’t be that person right now, and so nobody’s wrong in that, but you’re disappointed and you’re sad and you need to greet that it hurts. You need to take a minute. I think that’s a great point, kim.
0:20:40 – Speaker 3
And make sure you model that for your kids because that will serve them the rest of their life. And then, after you tell Jesus, move on. You know, oh, I want to share this Bible versus it’s good. Psalm 34, 18,. The Lord is near to the broken hearted, that one I just cling to often time Like I’m never alone. He sees my tears, he knows when my heart is breaking, even when I don’t acknowledge it.
Okay, next thing, think about the role this person plays in your life, whether it’s your husband, sister, friend, teacher, coach, neighbor, whatever it is. Really think about it and then step back and think okay, what’s a realistic expectation for this person? Because a lot of times we don’t take the time to think about it. We just go with what we’ve seen in movies or what it’s like for our friends or how it’s always been. We revert to those natural tendencies very easily. If you can really think about the people in your life, what is a realistic expectation? What is honest and fair, and what has God called this person to in my life, what’s the role God has called them to in my life?
0:21:39 – Speaker 2
And if you need to talk about it with a friend or mentor, Okay, so I’m so glad you brought this up, because here’s another thing Sometimes there’s gonna be one-sided friendships. There’s gonna be this is what comes to mind right now.
And your expectations. You have to get that right in your head or that person’s constantly gonna be disappointing you. So if you’ve got a friend that you know, every time you’re together there’s no how are you doing, but it’s, you’re counseling them right, you’re helping them through a situation, that’s okay. But you guys both need to be on the same page and you need to be okay with the fact that they’re not gonna ask you how your day is going because you’re their support system. We’ve all had that right.
And we all need that. I’m not saying that’s good, bad or ugly, but, like you said, if you know in your head the expectations, like you know, when I have a friend like that, like I just have to expect not to be asked how I’m doing, and then I’m not upset, then I’m, and then I don’t feel disappointed in this person, and then I can just be like, okay, my role here is just to serve to help in the situation. It’s not to like pour my heart out.
I’ll have another friend for that I can you know that I can pour my heart out to. And then that friend is like when are you gonna ask?
0:22:51 – Speaker 1
0:22:52 – Speaker 2
See, that’s the cycle, but you know what I’m saying. Like, I think that’s a great talking point on expectations.
0:23:00 – Speaker 3
And again, start this young with your kids yes, whatever age it is With their friendships. With their friendships, because what you’ll find like right now I have a five year old and in her mind again, you go to just what you know or what you’ve seen on TV. Anybody she plays with is her best friend, like we’re best friends. So all of the we go to those places immediately and even as we grow up, we stick to those things we know. This is my expectation, this was what it means to have a friend, and that will steer you wrong every time. You have to have expectations that are clear and then, once you do that and you adjust your expectations, you can communicate it when appropriate. Like you may wanna tell your husband I expect you to be my craft fair partner. Like you’ve gotta communicate it, but not always. Sometimes this is like what you said with a friend talking with your inner circle, like, oh my gosh, you know, this friend never asked me how I am and they can walk you through having clear and realistic expectations.
0:23:57 – Speaker 2
Well, and oftentimes, when I am like you’re talking about adjusting your expectations, a lot of times that’s done in my prayer time, like I’ll take it to Jesus and be like I’m so disappointed, like why is this friend doing this, like why can’t I ever talk about my life, or why can’t it be a two way street, and then that’s when he’ll align my heart and remind me okay, mandy, she needs you for this moment and so this is not for you, this is not about you, right? Absolutely.
0:24:23 – Speaker 3
And last but not least, and again another great one to tell our kids and this sounds bad, but remember, you will be disappointed and this goes back to Plan on it, plan on it. You know, just know ahead of time. We’re all human, we all will disappoint and others will disappoint us. And if we always come from a place of grace and know that Jesus will always heal our hearts, then we’re not better and that’s the place we don’t wanna go.
0:24:48 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you’re gonna mess this up. Relationships are messy. I love caution 313, bury each other with each other and forgive one another. If any of you has a grievance against someone, forgive is a Lord. Forgave you.
0:25:00 – Speaker 3
Yeah, last but not least, we just gotta remember Jesus is the only one who’s not gonna let us down. He should be our number one relationship. He is the one who will never, ever leave you. He’s the one that will never be against you. He’s the one that is the same yesterday, today and forever.
0:25:19 – Speaker 2
One have realistic expectations and voice them when appropriate. Two people are not perfect. Everyone is human and will disappoint you. Three Jesus is the only one who won’t let you down. Put your hope in Jesus.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page