0:00:00 – Speaker 1
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0:00:36 – Speaker 2
Today we’re answering the question what if I’ve messed?
0:00:40 – Speaker 3
up. I feel like we may have written the show for me.
0:00:43 – Speaker 2
Well, we messed up like five minutes ago, probably right.
0:00:47 – Speaker 3
Yes, this is for everyone right, Because we’ve all been there, done that, and no one’s alone.
0:00:51 – Speaker 2
We’re not perfect none of us. There’s no perfect parent, there’s no perfect family, there’s no perfect marriage. I don’t know how many ways we can say it. We are all still learning. We have so many stories that we could share here. I mean, this could be like a show that goes on for years.
0:01:06 – Speaker 3
It’s a 17-year segment. It’s a parenting segment for life. Just leave the podcast or the radio on forever.
0:01:12 – Speaker 2
So what stories are we going to share where we’ve really messed up? What are the good ones? Oh goodness, I have one literally from. It’s about my marriage, and so you know that contributes to the whole family culture, of course, but just from last week this was last week Mine was this morning.
0:01:30 – Speaker 3
No, I’m just kidding, go ahead.
0:01:33 – Speaker 2
I was driving home, just dropped my kid off from school my youngest and a lot of times my husband has a long commute in the morning. A lot of times he’ll call me and he’ll be like, are the kids dropped off? And I’ll say, yeah, I’ve got a minute, you know, and we’re in both in the car. We got to utilize all that town time. I mean, you got to really be creative. And he said listen, I need to tell you something. And let me just give myself a little background so you know my reaction. It had been a really stressful week, like a lot of deadlines, a lot of big projects coming to an end and if you don’t know about our video series, you need to go to our website because we have been writing and filming and producing for over a year and they just released, which is super exciting. It’s amazing we got groups in 11 states. I’m like totally on a tangent right now.
0:02:22 – Speaker 3
Oh, it’s crazy, but well, you know, we talk about messing up in the video series too. So it’s just another place where you can see our faces, tell you face to face that we’ve all done it.
0:02:32 – Speaker 2
But it was a big team project and it was like we were all having a baby at the same time because we all had contributed and it was just a lot of editing and producing everything, and so it had been a week. There were a lot of me being on my phone, a lot which I normally try not to be, but it was a situation. It was a special situation. Anyway, let me get back to my mess up story. I’m driving home and he calls me and he says listen, I need you to hear something. I miss you. Okay, and that’s all he said. I this is what I heard. I heard you are doing an awful job of that’s work like balance thing. Our family is falling apart and I’m done.
0:03:19 – Speaker 3
That’s what I heard. Well, because you’re a woman, and that’s the filter, we put everything to you.
0:03:24 – Speaker 2
So I start bawling and I just start listing all this stuff that I’ve been doing in the last two weeks. That normally doesn’t fall under me, but because of this big project coming, you know, to an end to all of it, and he was like, well, wait a minute, let’s go. He was like, let me back up a minute. He said you are doing amazing at this work life balance thing and you are doing amazing and but I just need you to know, you know you’ve been really tired and your mind has not been with us sometimes and I just miss you. He wasn’t, it wasn’t a guilt trip, it wasn’t, but I made it a guilt trip.
So easy to do because I made it all about me, because we’re selfish people, yes, and it always comes back to us and what we’re going through. But it was just a moment for me because I realized, as soon as I broke down, I realized I was emotional, crazy wife, not logical, calm, open, communication wife, yeah, yeah, and there’s such a difference now that I recognize. So that’s me. I can also share how I messed up with my kids, but you got one right, come on One.
0:04:37 – Speaker 3
I like how you say that you see me through rose colored lenses. Oh, you know what?
0:04:42 – Speaker 2
One from 20 years ago is you get one time.
0:04:46 – Speaker 3
The problem is trying to pick which one.
0:04:48 – Speaker 1
I was thinking through which one is through yesterday.
0:04:53 – Speaker 3
Five thousand options to share. I don’t know why I had an accent just now.
0:04:59 – Speaker 1
Anyway.
0:05:03 – Speaker 3
I have messed up so many times with I so I started doing this thing and my kids finally caught on to it. So bad. I’m so embarrassed, even to tell you, because it was after we started this whole open communication journey and I don’t even think you’ve ever heard this story. It’s that bad.
0:05:17 – Speaker 2
Oh, I’m excited to hear it now.
0:05:19 – Speaker 3
I’m sweating Anyway. So we at night my son is a night owl, just like my husband Like he comes alive, he’s like a new person and I’m like dead to the world and it’s so hard. So once a week we try to schedule, but sometimes he wants to do like twice a week, which is him and I stay up and talk and he’s in this mommy mode right now where he wants it to be mommy.
0:05:40 – Speaker 2
He’s a tween right, he’s eight. He’s eight.
0:05:42 – Speaker 3
Yeah, he just entered that tween phase, which is like prime age to talk, and a lot of times he doesn’t want to say anything super important, he just wants to be together and talk and share things and all that kind of stuff. And and I love him and I love hearing his stories and spending time with him, but I’m so tired, yeah, and again during during these busy, this busy season of life. So what about, probably three months ago, when he would say mom, you know, can we stay up late tonight? After the second or third time in one week? I’d be like, yes, ok, get in bed and I’m going to tug the littles in and I’m going to come back in a little while and see if you’re still awake.
0:06:23 – Speaker 2
Oh, oh, oh.
0:06:24 – Speaker 3
I kind of know where this is going, and this was just an innocent one this time, and so I did and I, you know, I was like doing stuff and I was like, oh yeah, I went up and he was asleep and I found myself going yes, he’s asleep. I’m so tired, and so, you know, I went about the evening and then, like it stuck in my head and so a few more times when I was exhausted, I was like you lay down.
0:06:46 – Speaker 1
I’ll be back.
0:06:47 – Speaker 3
And I took a long time, but it was on purpose.
0:06:50 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I was doing it on purpose.
0:06:51 – Speaker 3
And so a couple of nights ago, I started to leave. I was like I’ll be back and he goes. Mom, we both know you’re not coming back, oh.
0:07:01 – Speaker 2
Oh, fail your if you’re not going to listen to the Holy Spirit.
0:07:04 – Speaker 3
Conviction, Kim, your kids will call you on Because I knew I was like feeling guilty, but I still do yes, it’s like eating a donut and you know it’s not the right thing to do every day.
So, yeah, it was embarrassing. And so he was like mom, I know you’re not coming back. And I was like I am, and he’s like, yeah, but you wait till I go to sleep and I. So I had to like be honest with him, like you’re right, I’m just really tired lately and I haven’t pre prioritizing our time. Anyway, to make a very long story short, he was very forgiving, yeah, and he’s like well, maybe we can adjust it and try something new Kids get it you know when we are open and honest and transparent.
They’re a lot more gracious than we give them credit for.
0:07:42 – Speaker 2
It’s so true. I mean, it really is. We were talking just the other day and you made such a good point. You said, you know, now when the tension starts rising or whatever, and I feel like somebody getting mad at somebody in the house, one of us will say, ok, because we have open communication, yes, and just that kind of makes everybody’s tension go down a little bit and you’re like, ok, what are we going to talk about? What’s some real talk that’s getting ready to happen? Yeah, and it is. It is. It’s just a learning process.
Y’all I’ve shared with you before and if you’ve read my book, you know that I struggle with being a good listener. Yeah, like that is my thing. I just I’m always multitasking, or a lot of times in my head I know this is awful, it’s awful and it was really bad when I was writing the book, but I’ll be working out a sentence or a chapter or content in my head. Yes, and you know I’m doing dishes and I’m listening to their stories, but my mind is really not there with them. So, true, and they sense it. Yes, they know it. Yes, and we were one day. He was my little guy, was doing homework at the kitchen island and I was doing that in my mind and I was checking texts and I was unloading the dishwasher and everything and he was asking me how to spell a word for a report, mm, hmm, and he asked me several times and it was like you know, the repeat, repeat and it’s just like oh my good.
0:09:01 – Speaker 3
So much repetition. I heard you the first time.
0:09:04 – Speaker 2
You know I didn’t say that. Instead, I said with this really sassy ugly, awful tone yeah, baba, give me a minute. And he just looked at me, mm, hmm, and I knew when I said it, like it was not good and I let it go. We didn’t say anything else, everything just got quiet. You hate the silence.
When the silence comes, you know that there’s going to have to be an apology later. Like you just know that you messed up, yes, and you know, 15 minutes later he was very upset and he said to me something that I will never forget. He said I’m so sorry I was bugging you, and that rings true in my head even today. And so I explained to him that he was not bugging me, that it was me that was messed up, that I was trying to multitask and but it took me a minute because I was defensive and I was stressed out and I had a lot going on my plate. I mean, I was overly worked, I was over scheduled.
But you know, just being able to apologize I think goes a long way and then, like you said, with your kid, they get it, because then when you explain and he was like I didn’t know you were doing all that, like I thought you were on Facebook and I was like, oh honey, no, I was responding to a work text and I probably should have told you that. And he’s like, when I see you on your phone, I just assume you’re surfing Facebook and I’m like baby, that’s not true. Like probably 90% of the time, like I’m responding to somebody who there’s a crisis in their family or they need prayer, or you know, something is coming through on my phone where I need to refer somebody or get somebody to a counselor or something, but he just didn’t understand that. Yes, and just explaining that, explaining it and, like you said, they will be so much more gracious.
0:10:50 – Speaker 3
And you know it works at any age. We do hear a lot and we speak a lot about this specific situation. That if you are a parent of older kids and you feel, like man, I have really messed this up, Like I have no idea about this open communication thing and I’ve said all the wrong things and I’ve taken away the phone, you know whatever it is and you feel overwhelmed by the thought that it’s too late because you’ve messed all of this up. Satan loves to speak into that lie. He likes to make us feel guilty, worthless, unable to repair it which is true because God is the one who repairs it. But he speaks and whispers to us nonstop, all day. So we get to a point of complacency because we’re like it’s unfixable, so I’m not gonna do anything about it.
0:11:30 – Speaker 2
I mean, we know Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy, and so if he can make you feel overwhelmed and like, throw your hands up in the air, like we don’t have open communication, we never will have open communication, he wants us to get to that point Absolutely. And so when you feel that those feelings coming in, you need to just claim it, speak it out loud. I know that sounds weird, oh no, I do that. I’m a car a lot. I had a friend one time this was years ago at church, and it was a mentor and when I was having a bad day she was like I just need you to stomp right now, stomp Satan out. And it was so weird. But and I don’t ever do it really, but I think about it I think stomp him out Like that’s done, like you’re not gonna win today.
0:12:14 – Speaker 3
I yell in the car a lot.
0:12:15 – Speaker 2
So if you see me sitting alone To yourself, by yourself, no, I yell out to Satan.
0:12:21 – Speaker 3
And I will sit by myself, like when things are particularly bad and I feel attacked. So if you ever see me yelling in the car by myself. I have not completely lost it, hopefully.
0:12:30 – Speaker 2
Yeah.
0:12:30 – Speaker 3
I am probably yelling at Satan, you’re fighting the demon.
I do Like literally, you will not have my marriage, you will not take my child. Yeah, because I feel sometimes we get to a point where we feel that way, like they’re being captured or we are being drawn down into the muck and the mire, and he loves to have us in that spot. Yeah, and we are here to remind you and encourage you that it is never too late. Yeah, and truly, starting with an apology, which sometimes is the hardest thing to say, but it’s incredible how far that goes when you sit down and say I just didn’t know, I missed this, I didn’t realize how much parenting had changed and all these things about the online world, and I gave you this phone or I gave you access to that, and we never sat down and talked about how to use it. Yeah, like I wouldn’t have handed you the car keys and said go figure it out.
Yeah, I didn’t know and I’m so sorry. And we’re going to have to have some conversations and I’m looking forward to talking to you about how this can change. I mean, my husband and I did a segment at our church one time for nextTalk and we were talking to these parents about creating this culture of conversation and a safe place for your kids and this mom, oh, the teenage girl. She was just bawling and bawling and she said I have missed this. I have messed it up so bad, in so many ways. How can I ever come back from that?
And we talked her through that apology and we even did a little role playing because she was really struggling and she came back the next week and she’s like you were right. My daughter was so gracious about it and I mean God wants to repair those relationships.
0:14:02 – Speaker 2
Well, and when we admit our mistakes they are so more likely to admit theirs Like I have seen my kids like. When they get tone with me, I don’t even have to say you got tone anymore, I’ll just go silent. You know that silence and within minutes they’ll be like I’m sorry I had tone Like because they’re seeing me model that when I have tone in the politics. It’s that humility. We got to talk about that in a minute, absolutely. But if you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 2 PM on AM 6 30,. The word nextTalk Radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nextTalk.org and click on give. And let me add, if you want to check out our new video series, go to nextTalk.org and click on videos. Yes, and you also need to check out the group tab because that shows a map of where we have groups meeting in all the different states and it’s super exciting it is very exciting.
Go to both of those locations, groups and videos.
0:15:01 – Speaker 3
Today we are talking about what if I’ve messed up, which is a show about me, and show about me and show about all of us, because we’ve all been there, done that, we’ve all messed up. It is hard and it’s humbling, but it’s also a great space for learning and modeling for your kids, if we can find the ability to take it down a notch and not get defensive. Take a breath. Maybe come back to it later if you need to and say, man, I really messed this up here’s what I did.
Like acknowledge that you know what you did so that they see that you saw it too, and then apologize and say you know, I don’t want to keep doing this or help me to do better. My kids love the job of helping mommy do better. Yeah, not always cool in the moment, doesn’t feel great, but it teaches them to be graceful, it teaches them to be respectful and saying hey, mom, I feel like maybe you need to take a breath.
0:15:51 – Speaker 1
And they’re usually right.
0:15:52 – Speaker 3
They don’t. They very rarely will say it, so I know I’m really crazy when they do, and so we’re a team.
0:15:57 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think so much, we get caught up in our pride Absolutely, and because we’re supposed to be the parent, we’re supposed to know everything, kind of. I mean, that’s what the world tells us. You’re the parents, know what to do, guide your kid. You know. The fact is we are all learning. Like we are with our first child, like it’s a whole new thing, no matter how much it’s been modeled for us or advice that’s been spoken into, when you are holding that baby at 2 am and they’re screaming. Or you know, fast forward eight years and they see porn and a sleepover. Like it is a new thing for us to learn. We’re learning as we go. And then you add, in the technology, I mean, that just takes it to a whole new level. But being able to just recognize that we’re also learning and walking in that humility, you know, I think about our. We did a show called Pride and Parenting. We shared a lot of great Bible verses on there. Um, check out that show.
But just the ability to walk in humility, not only with our kids but with our husband, you know our spouse, being able to say I don’t, I don’t get it always right all the time. I’m not perfect, um, but I love you and I’m submitted to God and I’m willing to improve every day and I’m I love iron sharpens iron. You know, because I know it says a friend, iron sharpens iron. But my husband and I use that with each other all the time and sometimes he will. He will be like I know this is going to be hard to hear, but remember, iron sharpens iron. And then he’ll say something to me and of course, you know I get defensive most of the time.
But I pause now before. I would just kind of well, I don’t even want to say what I did before Before. Oh, mandy, when he tried to tell me something difficult, like I’ve noticed you do this, like you yell at the kids about little things like spilled milk or whatever. I would, what I would do is talk about his flaws. Yeah, because I’m like I’m gonna, I’m gonna what up?
0:17:54 – Speaker 1
you.
0:17:54 – Speaker 2
What about the time? You and I’ll think of something worse than what I think he was saying? New Mandy is a all new approach. Um, new Mandy pauses for a second and thinks how can I learn from this? You know, and, and there are definite times that I go to him and say the same thing, but it’s that iron sharpens iron and that walking and humility, absolutely, and it’s um, I think it’s a great way to um teach your kids how to take this life skill into adulthood.
0:18:24 – Speaker 3
Yeah, cause you’ve met adults before that, you’ve tried to have a conversation with them and maybe you’re not even pointing out something that they’ve messed up, but just making a suggestion, and they get real defensive and it’s awkward in a work environment and you’re like whoa, what a gift to our kids that not only can we model what that looks like, but help them to develop that skill of humility. You know, I have really messed this up, this parenting thing in this moment. And when they hear you do that on a regular basis, paired with improvement, that’s going to register somewhere deep in their heart and in their mind that this is a good thing. Yeah, like when I apologize and I work on it, better person, and so what a gift that we need to give. It’s a life skill that we need to teach our kids.
0:19:03 – Speaker 2
Well, I know I enjoy working with people who can own their mistakes, like the people that are like I didn’t do anything wrong and it’s obvious they miss something or whatever. I’m like, okay, dude, like it’s fine, just admit that you were wrong, did that? Being able to admit, I think, is such a great skill and it’s going to help them, like you said, not only in the workplace, in their future marriage, in all of their relationships, friendships, everything, because we are all a work in progress and we have to just be humble in that and know that.
0:19:34 – Speaker 3
Absolutely. If you are in a situation where your kids are not talking to you and so we have Yellers in our family yeah, I mean my husband is Sicilian, I mean they are fiery folks and so if you have had a lot of angry exchanges and you feel like, well, no, we’re not just not having open communication, like it has gone beyond that.
Yeah, we’re not talking or anything. There’s some great counselors that we work with, yeah, and that’s a really great place to start. If you feel like it’s beyond your ability to repair, that may be a great place to start the conversation going. If it’s just awkward and you feel like I don’t even know what to do, but I mean there is. We always want to take the stigma out of counseling. It’s a wonderful, wonderful safe place where you can go and get some direction Really.
0:20:22 – Speaker 2
I’ve had to get counseling several times in my life and I can tell you I look back on it and I learned so much through it and I think, oh my goodness, I don’t know where I’d be without it. So everybody needs that. Sometimes they need a reset, they need help and I love what’s not in the situation.
0:20:39 – Speaker 3
I think it’s such a gift that it has no stake on either side. They’re just there to listen and help guide you through.
0:20:45 – Speaker 2
I remember what one of the counselors said when we had her on the show. I think it was Annie or Celeste from the fine wellness, it was one of them. They always gave great advice and they said you know, when you’re in a situation so, for example, when my kid called me out, you know, and everything went silent and I kind of was had a sassy tone with him they said you know, sometimes you’re at a level 10 where everybody’s emotions are like at the highest, you know, from a scale of one to 10 and everybody’s mad at everybody else. Sometimes you need to step away until the emotions are a two or three so that you can logically talk through some things, so you’re not going to mouth off with emotions or make the situation worse. And so always remember that too.
And if you’re like, oh, I’ve messed that up, like I don’t have that, you know, you can. You can open that conversation tonight at the dinner table and be like you know what? I was listening to these crazy moms today on this radio show and they had this example of this counselor from a level 10 to a level two and say you know, we, we talk when we’re at level 10s, and I don’t know if that’s really wise, because we say bad things to each other. I mean, bring that up, you know it’s. It’s just a way to start the conversation and the knowledge and as the parent, you can say I, I’ve messed this up a lot and you would be surprised at the kind of conversation that it may bring up in your family.
0:22:06 – Speaker 3
I have to tell you another thing. You know piggyback on that um, that has helped us so much and has been one of the hardest things. Because when things are good, like your version of good, when you feel like there’s peace in your family and in your marriage and it’s been a good day, it’s really hard to bring up hard stuff, cause you’re like why do I want to mess up the mood? Like why would I bring up that you have a bad temper? Or why do I want to tell my kid I really messed this up.
But we have really really found that if we can talk about the hard stuff during a good time, that we are quick to find a great solution and come to a compromise and talk through difficult things, cause when you’re at a level 10 or when you’re in that moment of suffering and trauma and anger and sadness, it’s super duper hard to come up with a good solution or get to a place of healing and restoration. And so if you only ever talk about these difficult things when you’re in a difficult situation, it feels like you never move past it. And so when things are good, sometimes you got to have that date night or go spend that time with your kiddo and be like hey, I’ve noticed this about myself and I’m really sorry. You’ve got to have those uncomfortable conversations even when things are good.
0:23:17 – Speaker 2
Yeah, the self awareness in in this whole creating a culture is a big thing Like we have to be self aware of what we’re doing and what we’re shutting, how we’re shutting down the conversation, you know, if you’re sitting out there and listening and you’re like I’m just I don’t even know where to start, you know, I mean this, it sounds great. I know you guys, families aren’t perfect and there’s lots of mistakes, but you can talk through it. I want that. You know you can start. It is so simple to start. Like Kim said, start with a counselor, start with a simple conversation about this radio show and bring it up at the dinner table or or whenever. I just want to share a couple of Bible verses with you because sometimes, like we said earlier, satan tries to convince us it’s hopeless. It is never hopeless. I mean, god can take something and make a new creation out of it, like he is so capable of restoring any human relationship if we submit to him. Start with prayer.
0:24:15 – Speaker 3
Yes, start with prayer, ask the Lord to create the space for the conversations that you know need to be had, and you will be amazed in the right tone. Yes, lord, give me the words to say. Give me the words, yes, start with prayer.
0:24:28 – Speaker 2
God says in verse 413 says I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me, and I love Psalm 71, 20 to 21. You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again. You know it also reminds me of Deuteronomy 23.5. We use that verse a lot. But that verse says the intended curse. I will turn it around and make it a blessing because I love you, because God loves you. I know sometimes you feel like you got a lot of curses in your family. God can use all of them, turn it around and create an amazing culture of honest conversation in your family.
0:25:14 – Speaker 3
A couple of points to remember. None of us are perfect parents. None of us. We’ve all messed up.
0:25:20 – Speaker 1
You are not alone.
0:25:21 – Speaker 3
Apologizing is important. It shows kids our humility, how to admit when they’re wrong, and also creates a space for conversation, and is never too late to start building a culture of conversation in your home.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
