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0:00:32 – Speaker 1
More than cyber parenting conversations to connect.
0:00:36 – Speaker 2
There’s always going to be a lot of different things that our kids do or say that kind of freaks us out or alarms us. I mean, that’s just parenting, that’s just having kids. I think the hard part about that is that we don’t want to overreact, but there’s the other side of that coin. I mean we also don’t want to underreact, and there’s that balance that, as parents, we’re trying to navigate. like how do we respond when our kids do something that kind of makes us go hmm or oh, no or what?
0:01:04 – Speaker 1
Well, and if we underreact, we could literally miss a plea or a warning or a cry for help that they don’t even know how to communicate, And so we want to make sure that we don’t miss any of those signs.
0:01:18 – Speaker 2
That’s a really good point because, yeah, it’s that balance of not overreacting but not underreacting, but responding in a way that helps the situation, responding in a way that helps us determine, like, what do we need to do here, If anything, which is kind of what we want to talk about today. What are some of those warning signs or things that our kids do that we should dig deeper? you know that we’d need to investigate a little bit.
0:01:42 – Speaker 1
Yeah, i mean, we cannot be dismissive, daddy.
0:01:46 – Speaker 2
Yes Or crazy baby?
0:01:48 – Speaker 1
Right.
0:01:48 – Speaker 2
Right. We got to be like balanced Barb, like right in the middle.
0:01:54 – Speaker 1
Everybody balanced bar is the goal. We shouldn’t have said crazy Katie. We should have said crazy Karen.
0:02:00 – Speaker 2
I didn’t even know what that went through my head, but then I was like, oh, that may be pushed into many buttons.
0:02:07 – Speaker 1
It’s a trigger. It’s a trigger. So, yeah, i think we do need to dive into these warning signs. It’s important, but before we start, i think we need to throw out some disclaimers and just things we need to recognize. So, first of all, you know your kid better than anyone, so a warning sign for you may be different than a warning sign for me. So just be in tune to each kid and know what’s off.
0:02:30 – Speaker 2
Also and I mean I know this goes without saying, but I am still sometimes thrown off by just normal developmental stages and changes. You know what I mean. Like kids change. That’s a part of growing up And I think we all know that. But sometimes when it happens we’re like what is going on? So I think just having that awareness that, yes, this may be alarming but it also could just be a normal developmental change is very important. And one of the ways to kind of know that or recognize that is having friends that have kids that are similar in age that you can just be like, hey, is this going on at your house? You know that always helps. It always kind of quells that nervousness because usually the response is yes, oh my goodness, and then you can kind of talk about what that looks like. But having friends with kids similar in age and also your pediatrician, give them a call or make an appointment if you’re really concerned about something, and sometimes it is just a normal part of developmental change. Other times it’s a red flag.
0:03:28 – Speaker 1
Yeah, absolutely Consult a doctor if you see a warning sign. And also I’m going to add to that, and I talk about this in my book Talk is a heads up mom. Somebody, that’s a couple years ahead of you also, i think is extremely important, just because they’ve walked their kid through it already And so they can say, oh yeah, light at the end of the tunnel That lasts about a year, or you know, this is normal, but this is not. And I’ll add to that.
0:03:55 – Speaker 2
If you can have a heads up mom that knows your kid, that’s really cool too, because they can say listen, they’re okay, like I know their character or this is their quirk or whatever it is, and they can speak even more so into you and what’s going on with your kid. So if that’s possible, like advantage of that, that’s a blessing. I call Mandy because she’s much, much older and sometimes wiser.
0:04:20 – Speaker 1
Okay, clarify that statement. Like what? a year or two?
0:04:24 – Speaker 2
Yes, she’s so old And she has a lot of you know wisdom and she can say sometimes you know to me it’s okay, like I know your kid and I know what’s going on and that’s normal And that just helps me so much.
0:04:37 – Speaker 1
Well, i will say our kids are older than yours by several years because you were out, you know, having a morning radio show and jet setting all over the world, why we were starting to have Doing the real work.
0:04:52 – Speaker 2
So I do have.
0:04:54 – Speaker 1
I do have a little bit of years experience on you on that. But anyway, kim, you said something earlier and I think we should expand on it because it was a good little one liner. But I want to dig into what it meant. You said no, your norm. Tell us what you meant by that, because I really like that.
0:05:07 – Speaker 2
I’ll give you an example. So one of my kids Is very practical. He’s a thinker, he’s very responsible for his age. That is normal. He is one that most people can depend on. He’s a pretty steady guy. Now when the tween years hit, some moodiness, irritability, forgetfulness, like when we started middle school, and some of his interest changed and at first I was kind of like who is this kid? But in a general sense, if I stepped back and kind of looked over all, he was still responsible, he was still Reliable, he was still practical and in all of those things that are his norm. It was just slanted a little bit because he was going through some hormonal changes and so that helped me to realize okay, we’re okay here, these are normal developmental stages. He’s still in the realm of his norm, and so that gave me some piece about the situation well, and he was trying to figure out middle school.
0:06:01 – Speaker 1
I mean we did a whole show on that. They are all over the place. Those first, that first semester, i think you know you did call us and say, oh my gosh, what’s going on? and we all were like, okay, if this doesn’t stabilize by second semester, look into it more. It’s so good that you’re noticing. You know, keep digging in, keep teaching the practical lessons. You know, making sure you’re having the conversations. But unless it continues, we think this is just a normal thing. And again you relied on your inner circle, who knew your kid and knew your norm, to help you speak into that and figure it out. And you need that on this parenting journey. I mean, this is hard stuff, it’s hard to figure out for sure.
So we’ve we’ve kind of put some little disclaimers out there. you know, know, your kids seek a doctor, all these things. so what are these warning signs we want to talk about? what are some that we are seeing as we work with families That are just like, oh, you know, we probably should have dug a little bit deeper into conversation there when that started happening, you know just like anything we talk about here.
0:07:03 – Speaker 2
We’re giving you some examples.
Again, you have to know your kid and you have to be aware of the situation, but these are just to give you some idea of examples of things To pay attention to, and I want to start with one that’s very serious, that I walked a few families through A sudden strong aversion to physical touch, especially if you have a kid that is usually a hugger or that will snuggle up to you on the couch.
If suddenly you go to touch them on the shoulder and they’re coiling back or they’re reacting in a way that seems inappropriate or very strong to any type of physical touch from a family member Or someone that is normally considered a safe person, that is certainly something you want to dig deeper in. You want to start with asking some questions that can kind of establish if something has happened. Do a little research where have they been? who have they been spending time with? Is something out of sorts as far as the people that they’ve had interaction with? was there a specific point when you saw this behavior change That you can pinpoint and then kind of think of through? who was there? what was happening? Then having conversation with your kid to kind of establish where they’re at. I think that would be the next step, and then you may want to bring in counselors, because this could be a really big issue.
0:08:15 – Speaker 1
Well, yeah, and you know me with older kids can. In my mind I’m thinking, well, my kids don’t like to snuggle as much anymore with. This is not what we’re talking about. This is what we’re talking about a kid who loves to snuggle one day and the next day it’s like a strong inversion and you’re like what just happened here? it wasn’t a progression of growing up or anything like that. So warning, that’s a warning sign that you need to be aware of in that that’s a very serious one. The other thing that I would say is any abrupt changes to appearance. So I’m thinking weight gain or weight loss, long sleeves in ninety five degree weather that’s that’s a red flag because of self harming, or it may just be an insecurity that they’re trying to hide, that you want to dig in there and have those conversations. You know why are you wearing a sweatshirt when it’s Ninety five degrees and I want to insert here because it’s so important.
0:09:09 – Speaker 2
that’s a perfect example of why you have to ask questions instead of just reacting. This happened with a friend of mine, but then when we looked at the picture in the landscape of middle school, all of them were wearing hoodies in the summer, like that was just a trend, and so this is a perfect example of asking the questions before reacting, so you can find out what’s really going on well and then saying to yourself have I seen their arms?
0:09:32 – Speaker 1
have I seen? You know, are they allowing me? you know, it’s one thing to wear hoodies if that’s the trend, but you know, are they when we go swimming in their arms? are they? you know? all these things again, warning signs.
And then also with appearance, with clothing style. Now I want to say this you need to let your kid figure out their own style. I feel like that’s really important. Kids love like self identity and you know being unique and that sort of thing. So let them figure out their style. We have a team member who says let them try on shoes, you know, like, let them wear different things, and I love that little saying.
But if you notice really abrupt changes in clothing And it’s just like whoa, ask some questions, don’t overreact, don’t scream about it, you know, but say, hey, why are you wearing this? does this aesthetic that you have, this style? does it carry with it a label And does that represent who you are? you know what does it mean to wear stuff like this? does everyone wear stuff like that? so ask those kinds of questions and a lot of time you can really gather some good context On where their little mind is it may be nothing, but it could be a precursor to oh, we may be struggling with this, so we need to dig into some conversations about that.
0:10:55 – Speaker 2
This one in particular reminds me to also know yourself. My kids tell me all the time sometimes my words don’t match my facial expression. So if your kid is wearing something crazy and you want to say what in the world and you know that’s what’s going on inside Don’t look at them while you’re talking with them. Bring it up in the car, sit next to them on the couch so they can’t see your eyes, because if your eyes are saying you look like a crazy person, they’re not going to open up to you. So that’s just a side note I want to throw in there, because I was literally having that thought in my head as you were bringing up a sex.
0:11:29 – Speaker 1
Well, and one thing that I have learned from having you know a teenager who’s a girl and you know style is a big thing is things that meant something when we were growing up, like a certain style may not mean the same thing today, And my mind always goes to how I grew up and what it meant, But I had to dig into those questions like, well, what is wearing this mean, And let her explain it to me, her world, And then we dig into, you know, is this what we really want to be? Is this who we want to represent ourselves?
0:12:00 – Speaker 2
So again, with the abrupt changes, if your kid has always had the same friend group or has had a best friend, and then, like overnight, that changes or you hear them talking negatively about that person or that group, that’s something you want to dig deeper with, also again in a get curious kind of way, as our counselor on our advisory board mentions, jamie Mershan. Get curious about what’s going on. Why are you suddenly upset or angry or talking negatively about someone who just was your best friend two days ago? Why are you suddenly hanging out with these other people that I’ve never heard about? Those are very important changes and they affect so much like friends and friend groups are so influential on our kids that it’s important that you dig deeper if that changes, so you know what’s going on.
0:12:46 – Speaker 1
There’s a verse in Proverbs and it’s powerful and I say it a lot to my kids Walk with the wise and become wise. Associate with fools and get into trouble. I’m paraphrasing there, i butchered it. That’s how we paraphrase it around our home. And friendships are important.
Now, speaking from an older mom perspective, you’re going to see a lot of friendship changes in sixth and especially seventh grade. You’re normally merging two schools together. Your kids are going to be in different activities from the kids that when they were growing up, because all of that’s kind of going to change in middle school And so it’s really hard to navigate friendships, especially in middle school. That was the very hardest time for us. I have a senior in high school and even though high school has been bumpy with friendships, middle school was by far the hardest. So any middle school parents out there you know struggling with all the friendship changes This is natural, it is really natural. And but your kids need help.
One of the things, kim, that you said was if they’re not hanging around the certain friend group again. You know and it’s not just I don’t have classes with them or we’re not in the same activity anymore. Definitely ask that question, because what I have found. Sometimes their friends start to make some weird choices that they’re not sure about, and so they just isolate themselves instead of digging into what does this mean? And all of those conversations can really get into some good quality discussion Absolutely.
0:14:12 – Speaker 2
We don’t want to miss that. No, that’s a great point And I will add here because the day and age we live in and the ability to have friendships online. I’ve talked with a few families who suddenly noticed their kid kind of withdrawing, not hanging out with the same friend group or going through a difficulty with friends and finding friendship online with people they don’t know in real life And they begin to invest in that and that becomes their main source of friendship. That’s a concern And so that you definitely want to dig in there, especially if your kids online, because that can be a dangerous situation.
0:14:45 – Speaker 1
Yeah, we did a show on talking to kids about grooming and there’s a whole section on that show about online grooming And we do need to be very concerned about it. As your kids get older, there will definitely be some online friendships. You know, i think about my kid is she’s searching for college. She’s met people at some colleges that we’ve went to that may go there, and they’ve developed an Instagram kind of friendship, getting to know each other. Right, that’s a normal progression. What you’re talking about again is very different. It’s I’m going to walk away from all my friends in real life and just have this online circle. That’s a red flag, that’s a warning sign we need to be concerned about.
0:15:22 – Speaker 2
Let me give you a practical friendship example that we walked through just recently. So my middle schooler did football with all his friends sixth grade, then football season ended and they did basketball altogether same front group. Then basketball season ended and they had the option of doing baseball or track and all his friends decided to do baseball. But our kiddo decided to do track and we’re like, hmm, because he had done neither, had no experience, and so they were kind of his friends were going to try baseball and then try track and then figure out what they liked which is great for sixth grade, this is when to do that And he was kind of doing the opposite. So we weren’t sure, did something happen whatever? Instead of freaking out, we’re like you know what, let’s just dig deeper here. So we had some conversations and he said you know, i just really like the idea of the field portion of track. I think it’d be really cool. I think it might be something I’m good at.
We asked about the friends. Nothing had happened there. We walked through a series of conversations touching on different things that we thought might have happened to cause this decision. What it ended up being is that in sixth grade they’re kind of starting to grow up a little bit and coming into their own and realizing what they like, what they don’t. It’s not all about the friends as much, and it was really a good thing that he wanted to try something new, simply because it was something he was interested in and he didn’t feel the need to do it with friends, which actually turned out to be a good thing.
0:16:41 – Speaker 1
See, i love this because what you thought may have been a warning sign that was something wrong in the friend group, once you dug deeper into the conversation, it actually became a we’re so proud of you that you don’t have to follow the crowd, you’re doing what you want to do. But you also wanted to make sure he wasn’t trying to avoid the friend group for a reason, and so that’s what. This is a perfect example of what we mean by this. The warning signs may be like oh, what’s happening here? Just dig deeper and figure out. And then those discussions will lead you to believe is this is something serious, like I need to get a counselor or doctor involved? or oh, he’s just growing up and he doesn’t have to follow the crowd and that we raise him like that, and then you can actually encourage him through those conversations.
0:17:27 – Speaker 2
So these digging deeper conversations are not only good for your kid, but for you too. That’s really something to keep in mind.
0:17:34 – Speaker 1
Well, because also, i have a tendency it’s a joke in our home that I always go nextTalk dark. I mean, like mom, you always go to the worst possible scenario because of the work you do at nextTalk And it’s that’s so bad. because I just feel like sometimes we hear the worst of the worst. You know, we do see a lot behind the scenes with what’s going on, and so my kids are always like and I have to check myself, and one time I went to counseling for this. You guys, this is serious. I had to go to counseling for this one time.
my counselor said to me she said, mandy, you’re on chapter three and in your mind you’re on chapter 10. You’ve already gone all these chapters and decided what’s going to happen. And all I need you to do is stay in chapter three and dig into the conversations with your kids and see what’s going on. So that’s what we’re talking about with these warning signs. Something may alarm you. don’t overreact, remain calm, stay in that same chapter, dig into the conversations and then you realize if it is going to be getting out of control and you need to get other people involved.
0:18:39 – Speaker 2
Absolutely OK, moving on spending excessive amounts of time behind closed doors. Now I’m going to talk from the perspective of kids, younger kids. When your kid comes home and if they go straight to their room and you don’t see them again until dinner time And there’s no explanation or no reason And you’re curious like what is happening, or if they are locking their door, it’s time to dig deeper and set some clear boundaries. But that’s not the same for older kids.
0:19:06 – Speaker 1
Yeah, i mean, the moms of teens are what you know. There is something that happens when they get older where they want more privacy And they want. You know, they’re growing up, they want more independence And so, again, it’s talking it through. So I shared this on one of our previous shows. You know, we had no screens behind closed doors until my daughter was 16 and COVID hit and we kind of changed some things up. It was between 16 and 17, i think. We changed some things up, you know, now she’s 18. She’s getting ready to move out And so many times she does want some independence.
Our thing is just communicate with us and let us know what’s going on. So now she’ll be like, hey, i’m going to go watch Netflix, this is the movie I’m watching for a couple hours. I just need a minute And we’re good with that now because she’s 18. My 14 year old he doesn’t get that privilege yet. So you know he still does not have phones or screens in his bedroom. Like it’s just one of our guidelines. But certainly, even with your teenagers I want to say this even with your teenagers, if they are going in locking the door, you know, won’t let you come in, even when you knock and say, hey, can I come in? And you’re feeling like something’s off. Don’t ignore that. Don’t just say, oh, because they’re a teen. If something feels off, it very well could be off. So we have to dig deeper into the conversations to see for sure.
0:20:31 – Speaker 2
We don’t, again we don’t want to be dismissive?
0:20:33 – Speaker 1
Okay, so another one secretiveness, sneakiness, if they want to hide anything.
0:20:38 – Speaker 2
That’s when you want to dig deeper. Ask some questions.
0:20:45 – Speaker 1
Anytime, even if your kids are on the couch with you in the kitchen, you know, say you don’t allow screens behind closed doors, but they’re in the kitchen, but anytime you walk by they hide the screen or you know they’re on the couch, you sit down. They immediately flip to something else. That’s a red flag that you just need to be like hey, what were you looking at? Let’s talk about that Again. Remaining calm is key here. Remaining calm and not going ballistic. We’re wanting to dig into a healthy dialogue, not screaming them.
0:21:18 – Speaker 2
Angry outbursts If your kid is responding in a way that does not match the situation. yes, it could be normal hormones and changes, but if it becomes a pattern or it seems excessive, dig a little bit deeper. We had this happen in our house. It ended up that we were having too much time on screens. When we were able to identify that and walk through it, it ended up being this great conversation and great shift in our home and a realization that screens really do affect us in a way that we need to be aware of.
0:21:48 – Speaker 1
Well, this is a great example Angry outburst, especially what I’m seeing. I mean raised a boy and a girl here. Some of them are very normal and hormonal and they’re just adjusting to everything that’s going on. right, but still have the conversation because it can become a tangible moment. And if we let it go, then they think, oh, this is normal, that I can have this angry outburst. So, even if it’s not something detrimental, we don’t want to disregard it. Let’s have a conversation about it.
0:22:19 – Speaker 2
I tell my kids all the time when they’re going through something like this, like an angry outburst issue or you know whatever it is, i tell them I’m so glad this is happening while you’re a kid, because now we can work through it and we can find healthy ways to cope and healthy ways to interact in our relationships. So when you’re an adult it doesn’t become this huge issue in your family or at your workplace.
0:22:40 – Speaker 1
That’s great, great And I always say it’s my job as a mom to help you through these changes, because as a teen I was the same way And sometimes nobody helped me through that and I brought this into adulthood. So I’m trying to help you.
0:22:55 – Speaker 2
I heard a counselor once say to that kids will often drop clues, sometimes without even realizing it. There are a cry for help or a testing you like, is this okay? And I saw that with a friend who started to kind of get into witchcraft secretly And I know that sounds like an extreme example, but around her family and friends she would just kind of casually mention things that were a part of this new world that she was exploring, just to see how people reacted. What people would say Like is this okay? Those repeated verbal clues are things you want to dig deeper And if suddenly your kid starts mentioning something that is really different or really new, ask questions, Find out why. What are they doing? It doesn’t hurt to dig deeper and ask these questions and it can result in you learning something that may be concerning Well and internally you need to be asking yourself where did they get this information?
0:23:53 – Speaker 1
Most of the time, what I’m seeing is TikTok, and we did a whole show in the different worlds of TikTok. There’s just different sections of that app you can get into and it really can do a number on your mind and heart and get you headed down a different path. So definitely for sure, anything like that. You need to dig deeper. I will have to say this too teens, as they get older again I’m coming in from this older perspective Teens are always going to see how far they can push you.
I did it as a teen. I mean, i know who this is. I’m calling you out here, right? We always want to see, and so there is gaslighting is a real thing. Sometimes they say something to get a rise out of us, to be like what You know, and so talk through that. I mean, sometimes I will literally say to my oldest are you gaslighting me right now? Are you being serious? Are we having this conversation? Is this something we need to talk about And joke about it, make it fun, make it silly, but they will kind of try and push the boundaries And sometimes they will say stuff to shock you, because a lot of times they’ll think, oh, mom’s just a good little Christian prude clutching her pearls. So I got to see what her reaction is going to be.
0:25:13 – Speaker 2
For sure, for sure.
0:25:15 – Speaker 1
And so, again, stay calm and be like, oh, yeah, i know what that is. And then they’re like oh, mom, you know more than you think. So, true, yes, i’ve been around the block, sister. Is that too much? It’s true, it’s true, raising teenagers, Kev I for real. Sometimes I just got to flex and be like, yeah, i know what that is, i invented that.
0:25:43 – Speaker 2
Okay, too far, too far.
0:25:48 – Speaker 1
But again, you know, if it continues to be a problem and it’s, your kid is changing right before your eyes.
0:25:56 – Speaker 2
Warning sign for sure A sudden drop in grades or a sudden like don’t care attitude about anything. Again, i remember that like junior senior year I was like peace out, whatever at this point. So recognize the situation, understand your kid and what stage they’re in and don’t freak out. But if your normal studious kid is suddenly getting Ds and Fs or not completing their work and you’re hearing from their teachers, that’s definitely something to dig into.
0:26:26 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, or you know the don’t care attitude or the flip it, when they weren’t ever that way before. Definitely check that out, don’t ignore it. Here’s something else I want to say to parents of teens If your kids are challenging you or questioning you on a certain belief or virtue or biblical principle that you stand for, hey, don’t ignore that. That is a great time to press in for really good conversation and be like go to this Bible verse. This is why I believe it. You know, my opinion doesn’t matter. God knows everything. People get it wrong all the time, including me. So we need to trust God more than anything.
I see this a lot with Christian parents, like they’ll contact me, panicked, and they’re like, oh my gosh, they’re questioning this, this and this And I’m like I feel like this is a good day. They’re asking questions. They want to make their faith their own. They’re not being robots, they’re not just doing what’s pleasing to you. That’s a good thing. We want our kids to grow up and struggle with their beliefs and figure out what they believe and it become personal to them. It’s about a personal relationship with Jesus, not some. I believe this, this and this because my parents do. You know, a lot of times people say that’s a warning sign. I think that’s a sign of growing up and maturing in your faith.
0:27:48 – Speaker 2
It’s more, I think, a warning sign for us that we need to engage in good conversation, Like, oh, they’re at this point, Oh, that’s good. They’re at this point now where we can wrestle with this and where Jesus can become real to them. You know, not walking or standing or riding on my coattails Like that is a wake-up call for us, Like they’re old enough for this to become personal. I just think that’s important stage.
0:28:14 – Speaker 1
Well and also trusting God with His truth. You know, because sometimes your kids will be like I just don’t understand this truth, i don’t understand why it has to be this way. And modeling out God. I am going to be unwavering here in trusting you because I’ve seen how you’ve made a difference in my life and I trust you more than anyone on this planet. Every person has failed me at some point or disappointed me, but you have not Trusting God with His truth and your kids. that’s just huge for a mama’s heart, kim. one thing I want to do I feel like we’ve repeated dig in to the discussion a lot with these examples Like dig in, start the discussion. I want to throw out some one-liners on how to start the conversation, just some practical ways. parents can come in here and start these difficult conversations when they see signs that they’re concerned about.
0:29:08 – Speaker 2
Well, first of all, you know, if you have listened to any of our podcasts or gone to any of our events, you know we’ve said this is not a sit-down like lecture. You want to make it casual. You want to be approachable. Go for a walk with your kid while you’re cooking dinner and they’re sitting across from you at the island, or crawl into bed and rub their back, whatever it is, where it’s a situation, where it’s safe and comfortable, where you can start a conversation. do it then. Don’t wait for like at five o’clock we’re having a family meeting to talk about your struggle. Please don’t do that. That’s not going to work.
0:29:42 – Speaker 1
And let me add to that, that’s Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7, creating that culture, that ongoing conversation. But pray for the right time. You know Lord. Show me the time that my kids ready to dig in with these conversations and show me exactly Like prompt my heart 100%.
0:30:01 – Speaker 2
I’m always saying Lord, create the space, create the space for this. So once that’s happened or you realize you’re in that moment, there are some things that you can say, and this is not a script, these are just prompts that will help you make it your own. But hey, tell me more about whatever it is your kids going through, or you know what I have noticed, and then point out something like your style has changed, or you don’t seem to sit with the same people at lunch anymore. Those are great ways to kind of, without condemning, open up the conversation I’m concerned about. Can you help me understand, get curious? Can you help me understand? Kids love to teach us things. If there’s something they’re doing or saying or a space that they’re in that is bizarre to you or you don’t get it, ask them to tell you and teach you about it.
0:30:50 – Speaker 1
Another thing if your kid is like mentioning a new idea or something, you can say, hey, I noticed the other day you brought this up and it’s something new that you asked me about. Can you give me an example of where you heard it and how you heard it And let’s talk through that? That gives you a lot of context on where they’re getting this information, and that’s good information. The other thing you know because of your age, or because of what you’re going through, or because of your friend group change, or because it’s middle school and you’re adjusting, whatever you know, because things have really been stressful for you lately. How can I help you? How are you holding up? How are you doing So? you’re giving them a space to break down with you if they need to, or you’re giving them a space for them to be very clear about. this is what I need from you.
0:31:42 – Speaker 2
I love that one because I think we’re better at that with friends and our spouse, but we forget our kids need that too.
0:31:48 – Speaker 1
Amen, 100%, kim 100% on that.
0:31:53 – Speaker 2
One of the things that I asked a lot when middle school started for my son was how have things changed for you? Because there was so much change going around. I don’t want to assume that I know everything that has changed, because in his day to day I’m not there, i don’t know. And I got some really great answers and insight into how much he was juggling And then that allowed me to be more compassionate And then I was able to say how can I help, now that I know How can I help.
0:32:21 – Speaker 1
Another thing what’s your number one stress or worry right now? You know, like if you’re lying in bed at night and you can’t sleep, what are you worried about? What are you consumed about? Let me know what that is. That’s a great one to ask, just if you’re seeing some changes and you’re concerned something may be going on.
0:32:39 – Speaker 2
So, as you’re digging deeper, if you realize there really is a struggle or something that your kid is walking through and it’s beyond you and your spouse and you feel like you need counseling, if you bring it up and it’s received well or it’s something you’ve talked about in your family, that’s great. I mean, this is something we have talked about normalizing, getting help outside of family. We think that’s so important.
0:33:00 – Speaker 1
Well, and I think with older kids it’s okay. There’s no stigma there, It’s really changing I mean people talk all the time about I have, this is my therapist, this is who I see. I mean it’s almost like a yeah, i have a therapist. So the stigma has definitely changed.
0:33:13 – Speaker 2
I agree, i agree And I think maybe with younger kids or if your kid is giving you some pushback, just talking about sometimes we need help outside of our family. You know, if you needed stitches, you wouldn’t ask your friend to sew you up, you would go to someone who’s an expert. There’s just some ways to bring it up that normalizes it. But please, if you feel like it’s beyond you and your spouse, definitely get some help. And if you’re here in Texas, we offer free and reduced counseling with our partnerships with some of our counselors who are on our advisory board. Or email us And we can help get you hooked up with someone in your area or a church.
0:33:47 – Speaker 1
Yeah, admin, at nextTalk.org. You can contact us there with any questions. One of the things to we’ll just helpful practical thing that we’ve been doing is we set goals and then we review them every so often And it’s kind of like a check in And I see my kids coming alive because they’ll get off track with things. You know, one of our big goals is less screen time and we’ll get off track with that And instead of me having to point out man, you guys are really off the rails here, we actually take a look at our goals and we pull out everybody’s written their own. We pull them out and we read them and we say how we’re doing And they recognize they’re not doing the best and what they need to change, and that helps them be more of like the change agent, the one responsible for making the change, versus me just dictating rules to them, and I think that’s really healthy for older kids especially.
0:34:42 – Speaker 2
I think that’s a good global look at when you see some things off and you’re not really sure how to approach it, you could just Sit down and talk about that and that opens the conversation to figure out what is going on. Maybe you haven’t pinpointed, it’s a friend group or you know the grades or whatever, but you just feel like something’s not right. That’s a good way to bring it up in a way that’s not threatening.
0:35:04 – Speaker 1
Well, and let me say, always start reflecting on how you need help first, so then they don’t feel shamed or like you’re pointing fingers at them. So, for example, if I had a teenager who was struggling and we had never done the goal thing, one of the things that I would say at dinner or whatever you know, when we’re all together is say I have been really struggling with my screen time. I’m gonna write five goals to help me over the next month to do better. Would you guys like to do that too? because I feel like we’re all trying to improve and maintain our mental health And we’re each responsible for our own heart and mind. So are you guys in? And that’s always received very well when it’s like I’m struggling to and we are adults are struggling to. We need to be honest about that.
0:35:51 – Speaker 2
Leading by example something we’re big, big fans of a proponent of here at nextTalk and then also saying you’re sorry. If it’s the right situation and you’ve missed something or your kid is struggling and you feel like that will bring down walls and again know your kid. You don’t want it to be a manipulative situation or where you’re apologizing for something that you didn’t do. That’s not good either. But if it’s a situation where you’ve missed something and you feel like that would bring down the walls and open up conversation, i’m sorry, i didn’t know or I missed. This can help open up conversation to figure out what’s really going on with your kid.
0:36:26 – Speaker 1
Absolutely. Another thing that we do one more thing with the goals and stuff and I wanted to add this in here, kim Is every week we look at our screen time results and we kind of tell each other how much we were on social media, whatever. And again, it’s just an accountability thing and we all need accountability and I think that really helps in a world where we’re just consumed with media all the time. And it causes a lot of these issues we’ve been talking about. It causes them maybe not to care. It causes them to break up with their friend group, you know. It causes them to question their beliefs. All of these things are happening online. So the more you can create accountability around screen time, the better. And so just a weekly check in, check your screen time, and that’s right under. If you have Apple products, that’s right under settings screen time And it’ll tell you how many hours you’ve spent on social media, how many hours you’ve been productive and creative online, and it breaks it down by week or by day.
0:37:26 – Speaker 2
So you know we’ve talked about all these different warning signs that should cause you to dig deeper, and then, hopefully, some of these conversation starters and verbal cues that we mentioned will help you start those conversations. But ultimately, like we mentioned before, it’s so important to pray for God to create the space, pray for God to show you things, give you special insight with your kids, or the Holy Spirit to give you that prompting when something’s not right And we need to act on those. Again, we don’t want to be crazy.
Katie and we don’t want to be dismissive, debbie, but balanced Barb. I know that’s cheesy, but it’s funny and it helps us to remember, like Barb’s, the way to go The bar, the bar, the bar.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
