0:00:03 – Speaker 1
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0:00:38 – Speaker 1
We have all gone through a time when we are struggling, but I cannot remember a time unlike we’re in right now. I have heard so much lately like people either saying I’m struggling or my spouse is really struggling, Like they are spiraling and how can I help?
0:00:57 – Speaker 2
So true, i’ve had the same experience, mandy. In fact, the other day, charles and I were sitting at the kitchen table and we are going through a lot of different things. We’ve had some struggles, some challenges, like everybody else, but we kind of started to talk about and rewind to the beginning of the year And for us at the beginning of the year, we kind of take an inventory of what’s going on and what we could improve and maybe where we could dig in some more, and we started talking about some of the things we talked about in the beginning of 2020.
0:01:29 – Speaker 1
And this is like before COVID, right Before COVID. Yeah, and I call that the good old days.
0:01:34 – Speaker 2
Like I feel, like little palp on the prairie, anything before Corona.
0:01:39 – Speaker 1
now is the good old days.
0:01:41 – Speaker 2
Yes. So we were talking about that and we had started the year off saying you know, there are some things that we really need to invest in and do better for 2020. And we were really excited. We had said, okay, we need to make sure that we dig in more spiritually, like our life group, and get really involved in church, and my husband was going to change things up a little bit with his exercise routine And I needed to do a better job with investing in self care.
Plugging into a hobby is something we’re really bad about, like taking time just to do something for ourselves And so we talked about how we could do that. And this was all before COVID. And then COVID hit. You know, everybody was scrambling us too. And here, you know, fast forward to the other day, we sat down at the table, talked about those goals before COVID and realized not only were we not doing any of those things, but that we needed them more than ever Because the Corona virus and this whole stay in place, order and shifting our schedules and the life change we’ve gone through. The need for those things has been never greater. Does that make sense? Like we are longing for those things and struggling because we can’t really dig into them.
0:02:49 – Speaker 1
Well, because we’re all kind of in survival mode. You know, we’re being whiplashed One minute we think everything’s normal and then, oh wait, now we need to quarantine. Yeah, it’s back and forth and we’re tired.
The numbers are looking good and then they’re not looking good, you know, but I think you make a great point, kim. You know, we all went into 20, most of us have New Year’s resolutions and when we went into 2020, we had all these things that we were going to do and we may have been going well with those and then it hit And have we ever reevaluated to say, okay, are we still doing a good job with this? And, like you said, it’s needed, especially for stuff like self-care and investing in yourself and making sure that you’re okay mentally. It’s needed more than ever before.
0:03:33 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah, and as much as we’re struggling, you know, than our kids too, they’re struggling as well, and so you have a whole house that’s trying to refine normal And we’ve talked a lot about that on the shows. But we really want to hone into when your spouse is struggling And we’ve walked through that a lot during this season and over the years as well. So as we were trying to really think about the struggles that we’re going through now and what we need to do, it kind of brought up conversations about things that have helped us in the past and things that we need to do better moving forward, and one of the things as we’re kind of sharing those with you that came up first that we just want to kind of set the tone for this show. It’s not necessarily one of the three steps, but it’s really important to think about when your spouse is struggling and you want to help them. It’s timing, you know. I mean, i know you feel the same way and you’ve had experiences with that, mandy.
0:04:23 – Speaker 1
I’ve been bad at it before, you know. So, at the end of the week, on a Friday, when my husband is just completely exhausted and here I am wanting to tackle a big issue and he’s like what are you doing? Like I’m so exhausted right now, i have, you know, worked every day. I’m stressed. I need a minute. We have to pray about the right time for any conversation, whether it be with our spouse or our kids. But you know, you add a spouse on top of it who is struggling mentally. You know who may be depressed or whatever. It’s even more important to think about that timing and find the right moment to address something.
0:05:00 – Speaker 2
And it may feel like there’s never a right time. But here’s the thing There’s always a worst time. You know what I mean. When your spouse is really struggling, there’s a time when it’s still going to be a hard you know hard conversation and God will open up that space. For my husband specifically, it’s at bedtime, you know. It’s when he walks in the door from work. It’s when he’s super stressed with a big project or maybe there’s something kind of blowing up at work that he has to really think about. Even when he’s at home, when the kids are nearby, it’s really hard for him. I’m used to the noise but he’s not. And if I’m trying to talk about something serious and the kids are, like you know, rapping, that’s not the time. Like he can’t handle the two conversations at the same time. So figure out that kind of quote unquote. Do not approach times and pray for God to create the space.
0:05:45 – Speaker 1
I think that’s really important, and I just want to add another one in here. You know, my husband says sometimes guys don’t always communicate with words. What he means by that is guys like to connect, you know, physically. How do I say this without blushing right?
0:06:05 – Speaker 2
Trying to keep a PG.
0:06:12 – Speaker 1
But you know, make sure that you’ve been intimate, you’re connecting with your spouse on that level. You know sometimes that helps as far as being able to talk with them about certain issues. I will caution this Don’t use timing as an excuse to delay, delay, delay, delay and then sweep under the rug. Do not use it as an excuse. But also don’t just nag when you want to have a conversation, like you do have to pray for the right time. Just make sure Satan doesn’t use that to push you into this space where you’re sweeping it under the rug, because that’s not good for anyone.
0:06:47 – Speaker 2
That’s such a good point, mandy. So listen, once you figure out those, do not approach times. You’re praying about space and you feel like, okay, now is the time. What are some real practical things that help?
I know, for in our family it’s important that I share my observations with my husband, gently but honestly and sometimes that’s hard because that means telling the truth and not, you know, kind of glazing over it. And I think so much of that has to do with the way that you convey what you’re observing. When my husband’s going through a hard time, if I kind of dig in there and say, you know, you’re being a real jerk, that’s a lot different than if he comes home and I’m like, hey, you know, i feel like when you walk through the door you have a little or no patience for us. Do you feel that way too? Totally different response. It doesn’t put him into that defensive mode. We don’t get into that argumentative tone. It just opens up conversation based on something I’m observing And it gives him a chance to say I haven’t noticed that or yeah, i really have. And then we dive into the conversation.
0:07:44 – Speaker 1
I think a lot of times when we don’t choose our words carefully and we just go in with you’re being a jerk, i don’t like your attitude, you’re being mean, you know whatever it is, they just feel attacked and like they have to make excuses and say well, you know, it just creates a wall that doesn’t need to be there. So I love that you said that Share your observations gently but honestly. You know, recently, my husband. He had to have a hard conversation with me. I was the one struggling and it was a lot of COVID stuff and living through a pandemic and then, on top of it, being in my 40s and there’s a lot of body changes going on.
So I have been more emotional than I typically am and it’s very different for him because I’m always logical, able to talk through things. He had noticed that when he tries to have a conversation with me, or the kids try to have a conversation with me, lots of times I just start crying, which is very unlike me, very unlike my personality, and so he had to gently tell me that and he was like I still love you, i there’s nothing that I don’t, i’m not mad, but what I’m saying is it’s really difficult to bring things up with you right now, because you end in tears and nobody around here wants to see you cry. So can you help me with that? And just him approaching it that way helped me. It was, it was gentle, but it was very honest. Like we need to get to the root of this kind of thing.
0:09:15 – Speaker 2
That’s such a great example of how sharing hard information in a gentle way can get you to a place of finding solutions, and I think that’s so important for us to recognize, because sometimes emotions are running high and we blur something out And, instead of coming to a solution together, it just harms the relationship And that’s not what anybody wants. That’s not the goal. So be careful about the timing. Yes, be honest, but be gentle about it. And I know from my husband so many times I’ve gone into the conversation at the wrong time and I’ve gotten emotional to approach him about something And I can’t think through concrete, real examples of what I’m seeing And instead I just say like I feel like da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
And I can’t give him specific examples And he has said to me many times after the fact it would help me so much if you can share specific examples of what you’re seeing. And I think that’s a lot of guys or a lot of people that you know are maybe more a personality types. They want details because that helps them understand where you’re coming from. So start, even if you have to write it down. That’s what I do. I’ll write down little examples of there’s something I see a reoccurring thing. Start thinking about those specific examples so it’s not so vague and they can really hone in on what you’re saying.
0:10:31 – Speaker 1
And you know, stick to one or two, because what you don’t want to do is have a pile on. So you know, if you’re approaching one thing like maybe it’s hey, i noticed you don’t have a lot of patience right now with me or the kids that you’re getting frustrated easily. You know one or two examples of that And then also don’t go into. You don’t pick up your socks, you haven’t had this conversation with the kid. Don’t pile on like that. You’re addressing one thing at a time and you’re being gentle and honest about it, with one or two practical examples.
0:11:04 – Speaker 2
That’s so true. That just makes your spouse feel worthless and like they’re failing at everything, And that’s certainly not our goal either. Okay, so another thing that’s super important reestablish your support and love. So when I was really struggling last year and I didn’t realize yet that I was in the middle of depression, One of the things that was really helpful to me was that my husband would reassure me that, no matter what we were in this together, I was overwhelmed.
You know as vulnerable I was in all this place of emotions that was unfamiliar and I didn’t know how to navigate it and I kept trying to fix it myself.
And then I felt like I was ruining my family and my friendships and my job, Like everything felt like it was falling apart, And he would just take the time every few days to say Listen, this may be hard, but you’re not ruining our family foundation, Like it’s not going to crumble, It’s going to be okay. And knowing that at least that was okay was part of what gave me the strength to get the help that I needed. And so what I want to say here is you may think your spouse knows you love them and you support them and you will be with them through thick and thin. They need to hear it in these moments when they’re struggling. I needed to hear it verbally that I was okay still and that he was still in it with me, And that really changed the game. And so take the time to speak. What may seem obvious, I promise you it will make a difference when your spouse is struggling.
0:12:26 – Speaker 1
You know, i remember when you were going through that and I remember you coming over to my house and you were at my kitchen island and I remember you telling me I feel like I’m juggling all these things and they’re all dropping and I’m doing miserable at all of them. And I remember looking at you and saying, oh my gosh from the outside, i see you accomplishing this, i see you accomplishing this. I see you accomplishing this. But even if you weren’t like, i still love you. It’s fine, it’s. This is a season. And I remember you just crying over the fact. You know that. You know that I love you no matter what. You know that. You know.
You know what you do well, and you know all these things and they. They sounded so simple, like I felt like I was just repeating what you knew, but they meant a lot to you in that moment, because when you are struggling, you forget that you know Satan takes your joy, he steals it and he makes you forget who you are, what you’re good at, the things that God is using you for. You know that is what Satan wants to do, and so I think this is a very great point, kim. Say the simple things to your spouse. I love you, i’m not leaving. You’re good at this. You do this so well, like remind them of their gifts. And one other thing you know just saying I’m never leaving, i’m not leaving you, no matter how down you get, no matter how much you change, whatever.
I think a lot of us have abandonment issues from our past. You know, i know you and I struggle with that, and so we know that. But it’s good to hear it, especially when we’re down and out and we just we don’t feel like ourselves. You’re swimming in turmoil of just I don’t, i can’t be who I want to be. You just you can’t break out of it, almost when you’re when you’re in it.
0:14:14 – Speaker 2
I think you know what we’re saying here is so important and so powerful and yet so simple, which is kind of a funny thing. We forget the simple things. So please take the time to state the obvious over and over again. Your spouse needs it, your friends need it. Okay, and the last one that has just really been a life changer, a game changer in our marriage and I know you feel the same, andy is ask, don’t assume you know how to help. So now we are homeschooling full time. You know, that’s a whole nother shift.
In the first week of homeschooling I was not in a good place. It was kind of a mess and I had like this total breakdown And I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to solve this problem and it was like the last straw. My husband came home and you know everything was chaos and I was a mess. And I’m saying all of this to him and he says I’m just gonna go and roll them in public school. And that was like the icing on the, the failure cake. You’ve done so bad that now I’m going to take the kids and roll them down the street because you can’t do it, which is not at all what he was saying. He was just trying to have a helpful solution so his wife wouldn’t completely fall apart on the ground in front of him.
So later, after talking through it, i said what I needed to get from you was just some practical solutions. You’re the educator on how I could fix these problems I’m facing. And he was like, oh, i really should have asked you what you needed instead of just coming out with what I thought. And so that’s why number three was such a big point for us. We’ve talked through it a lot over the years and that story was just a reminder for me that if you just take the moment and say, what can I do? How can I help you, give me some practical ways I can support you during this time. I mean, sometimes just those small statements can get you to a place of finding a solution to come out of that funk of the moment.
0:16:05 – Speaker 1
I think this is an excellent point, kim. One of the things my husband says to me often is I want to fix things for you. I’m the fixer. When you come to me with a problem, i just want to fix it. Now, in your case, what happened was he was trying to fix it and it made you feel like a failure, because sometimes they just bulldoze into the solution and you’re like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. A lot of times, what we want is just a hug or reassurance or help me talk through this issue. That’s often what I want, and so one of the things that we’ve been doing is, instead of you trying to fix it for me, just say how can I help? Just like you said, i need so much better.
So, for example, just this week, i had a situation that has been heavy on my heart and I could tell that it was affecting my attitude, and so I went to my husband and I said listen, if I’m snippy, i’m sorry. I have this whole thing going on and I’m not sure how to handle it. And I explained the situation to him and I was like I’m putting up boundaries. It should not be affecting me. I know all that, but I need you to know what’s going on, and his old response probably would have been like that silly, just forget about it, don’t worry about that.
But he didn’t say that. He said how can I help? And I said will you just recognize that if I’m getting snippy or something, just give me a look. Sometimes I may not know and I don’t want to take it out on anyone. The other thing I said to him with the how you can help is when we’re around this person just be aware I’m walking on eggshells a little bit and I’m a little nervous about it, and he’s like I got it. Thank you so much for telling me so that I know what’s going on with you.
0:17:49 – Speaker 2
Amazing that you were able to come to that place and he could help you in that way And listen. I think it’s really important that we say here that if you’re struggling in a way that you and your spouse can’t overcome, you feel like you’re drowning and you need help beyond just the support that you get within your marriage or your friendships. Please go see your doctor. They can help you. If you need something more than just a conversation, please seek out a counselor. If you are in the state of Texas, we can refer you to some counselors that we work with.
0:18:16 – Speaker 1
So you know, we shared these three things today One, share your observations gently but honestly. Two, reestablish your support and love. And three, ask. don’t assume you know how to help. And yes, we focused on this marriage component and your spouse, because we’re just seeing that a lot lately. But, honestly, these three things can be applied to your kids if they’re struggling, to your best friend if they’re struggling. A lot of people are needing to reach out and get help right now. So we want to equip you with these tools and we hope it helps. And, like Kim said, if you try to do these things and you have somebody in your life who’s still struggling, get them medical help And, more importantly than anything, please take the time to pray for your spouse.
0:19:00 – Speaker 2
There is nothing more powerful than somewhat interceding on your behalf, and we all know that God can change any situation. Pray with and for your spouse at all times.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
