0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:35 – Speaker 2
Today we’re doing a show titled the Pressure of being the Good Kid. Oh boy.
0:00:41 – Speaker 3
Were you a good kid? I was the good kid, for sure, I mean forever, or did you take a term?
0:00:47 – Speaker 2
No, I was the good kid.
0:00:48 – Speaker 3
Until college I was that kid that was compliant, I followed the rules. I made the good grades. All the parents wanted me to be their friend because they were like well, kim will keep them on the straight and narrow. Kim will watch over them and make them make good choices. I was that kid all the way through high school and you know a lot of us even have one living under our roof.
0:01:10 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and we label them, we label them. Good kid.
0:01:13 – Speaker 3
And so I don’t know, I was never one to get in trouble, I don’t. I maybe got in trouble once or twice in high school, I mean all the way from little kid to high school. I was that good, okay.
0:01:24 – Speaker 2
So I wasn’t.
0:01:25 – Speaker 3
Oh, here we go.
0:01:30 – Speaker 1
Here we go.
0:01:31 – Speaker 3
The stories are coming out. So you held out longer than I did. I did. I held out all the way through high school.
0:01:36 – Speaker 2
I did not. It was probably sophomore year when things started going south for me, but up until then I was a good kid. You know, my parents had gotten a divorce. It was me and my mom. I felt like I was very responsible, like I had to cook early, I had to do laundry early. You know, I had to help my mom budget. We would sit down and do our budget together because we needed help. Yeah, I would have odd jobs and I’d pay the electric bill. Like I felt very responsible.
0:02:06 – Speaker 3
You were co-parenting yourself.
0:02:08 – Speaker 2
I kind of was and it kind of made me a good kid, yeah, because it was like you were forced into that space, yeah. I mean I feel like sometimes kids are because of life circumstances, absolutely they’re forced into that. So I was a good kid and then my freshman year we moved away to a new school. So I started a brand new high school as a freshman and my mom got married and I think that kind of just took me. It was a shift for me. I didn’t have to be the responsible one anymore, so I had to step dad and he kind of filled that role and it was kind of like I can breathe, yeah, and I didn’t realize what was happening. I wasn’t like communicating that this has changed for me and now my role is changing, and I just stopped going to church and then it just went downhill, I mean.
0:03:00 – Speaker 3
You were that kid.
0:03:03 – Speaker 2
If any of my high school buddies are listening, they’re probably like, yeah, I don’t know how she got to where she is today, because I was a hot mess. I mean, there were times that I would like teachers would have to take me out and talk to me, because I would just sit in class and cry because of all the stuff that was happening and I just didn’t know how to process it. I didn’t know how to communicate my feelings, I didn’t know how to talk about it. I think that’s why, too, I’m so passionate about helping kids communicate because I just didn’t know how. Yeah, and I was struggling with all these big decisions, like adult decisions, and doing all this bad stuff, and I just didn’t have a place to process it.
0:03:43 – Speaker 3
I think that’s interesting to hear because I think that happens to a lot of kids. They go through these shifts and changes and they don’t know how to navigate that. Yeah. And then you get labeled and you’re like, well, if that’s who I am, that’s who I’m going to be.
0:03:54 – Speaker 2
Yeah.
0:03:55 – Speaker 3
And I was kind of like I said the opposite. I always followed the rules and did the right things and I was the good student and the president of this and the leader of that and the statistician for the football team and I would go out. My mom would allow me to go out to the parties and things, but I was always the designated driver and there was a lot of pressure that came with that. And I remember feeling and actually having this conversation with my mom because she was like I feel like you’re struggling with something and I remember telling her I want to have fun now and I’ll be a Christian later. Like I remember that quote. Like I remember Is that in high school or college? That was in high school.
That was near the end of high school.
0:04:34 – Speaker 2
So you were. It was almost like you were wearing down of this good kid. Yes, it was.
0:04:38 – Speaker 3
The pressure was building over the years and you know, always going to youth group and always being the youth group, like all the things, and I saw my friends and what I thought they were doing was having the time of their lives.
0:04:51 – Speaker 2
Because that’s what it looks like. That’s what it looks like, no care in the world getting drunk Amazing.
0:04:55 – Speaker 3
Yes, they’re having all the fun.
0:04:57 – Speaker 2
They’re living it up over there and I’m over here.
0:04:59 – Speaker 3
I’m reading my Bible at home alone.
0:05:01 – Speaker 2
Yes, that is how Satan wants you to feel.
0:05:04 – Speaker 3
Exactly, and we are going to touch on that because the point is, if you have a good kid living under your roof or you can relate to this and you remember what it was like, the pressure of that is real and we really need to address what that looks like and how to parent it well.
0:05:19 – Speaker 2
Well, and I just want to say they may mess up, the good kid may mess up, and you may be so disappointing because you’re like I didn’t expect this with this one, right, and we got a default to love, because the pressure of it sometimes is just so overwhelming that they do just want to throw caution to the wind.
I remember when we were recording our promo video for nextTalk and it’s on our Facebook page it’s one of the first videos you can go watch it if you want on our page and we interviewed teenagers and we did not give them a script. We wanted it to be raw and real and right, and I can’t even remember which one said it. But one of the girls said something about peer pressure is real, and then she said even the good kids go down. Yes, she did Even the good kids go down and I think it made the cut. I think it’s in the promo video, right, and man, that just stuck out at me Because I look at my kids and in different seasons I’m like they’re so good and I got to be so careful with that Because I don’t want to add to the pressure and I want to allow them areas to make mistakes and not expect perfection.
0:06:30 – Speaker 3
It’s definitely a thing and I think I noticed with one of my kiddos he started to really realize he’s in that space big time. He started to say things I’d say a couple of years ago. He’s always been kind of labeled the good kid, compliant, responsible, good grades, never getting in trouble.
0:06:50 – Speaker 2
And I don’t want a stereotype here, but a lot of times it’s that first born. It is it?
0:06:55 – Speaker 3
is I mean not always it just seems to be, but in most of the times yes.
0:06:59 – Speaker 2
I mean, I think it’s because they’re I don’t know, they’re like little leaders or something.
0:07:02 – Speaker 3
They’re little leaders, yeah, they blaze that trail Because they’re the first one out there and I remember the first time it really hit me Like I really got to speak into this. I picked him up from school and he was just kind of quiet and I was like are you OK, bubba? He said I just wish sometimes someone would push me on the swings.
0:07:19 – Speaker 2
And I was like oh, baby Little leader again.
0:07:21 – Speaker 3
Just talk, yeah. And then one time he said you know why is it? The teacher always leaves me in charge. I just want to be one of the students, just those little things that we brush off and we think it’s not a big deal. I started hearing those more repeatedly and more frequently and I realized this is him telling me. The pressure of being the quote unquote good kid is kind of bothering me. Now I’m not embracing it as a good thing and I’m not feeling good about it, and so I think identifying if you have a good child and then redefine good for that child is important what does good mean? And making it a positive thing for them and allowing them to understand that this can be a good thing and not something that stresses you out. Right? We don’t want to paint them into a box where they feel like this is all that I am and it’s all that I’m ever going to be, and it’s not good anymore.
0:08:12 – Speaker 2
Well, and I have to do whatever it takes to achieve it, to get it and to retain it, because then you got the whole perfectionism thing coming in and we did a whole show on that with a counselor and that’s like a real, like diagnosable thing, absolutely. So go listen to that show if you struggle with that, but I think that’s so good. So you heard him.
0:08:31 – Speaker 3
Yes, One of the conversations we had. As I said, do you feel like you’re always the good kid? And he’s like yes, mama, I do Like in a bad way.
Because you’d think that would be positive. I said well, let’s talk about what good means. And I said being good can be hard. It means you stand out and say no when other people are saying yes. It means being lonely sometimes. It means being a leader. It means excelling, sometimes, when other people are failing, and I tell them all these things are good, but they don’t define you.
What defines you and what makes you good is Jesus in you, and we talked a little bit about that and who he is in Christ. And I was like and that means, if that’s who you are, then it’s OK to mess up, it’s OK to say no sometimes, it’s OK to struggle with things, because who you are is not defined by your actions anymore. And he was like oh OK, mom, he’s like so it’s OK for me to want to be one of the kids and not be the one pushing on the playground and to say no and to mess up and to struggle. Absolutely, son. And so I think it’s just that ongoing conversation, redefining what good means. It doesn’t mean you always have to be in that role.
0:09:40 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I think that’s really good. And you just picking up on the little things we talked about this last night in an event that I was at, one of the teenagers on the panel with me said when my parents heard the little things, then I’m gonna tell them the big things, and I thought about you really, and then now you’re just saying this. So it’s all coming like full circle moment for me here. But hearing those little things are huge because you’re helping him identify. This is what you’re feeling. You’ve been labeled a good kid and let’s talk about what that looks like and it’s okay to be upset about that sometimes. It’s okay. It’s okay. I mean, I know with my husband I will say sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day and I feel like everybody’s stomping on me, I’ll be like I’m just getting sick of taking the high road all the time.
Like I’ve said that to my husband, it’s just mad and he’s like I get it, just take a minute, because God wants you to take the high road and so you’re gonna have to be humble here. But it’s okay to feel that emotion and I identify, so maybe not about being good.
0:10:45 – Speaker 3
Yeah, yes, it is okay.
0:10:48 – Speaker 2
Feel the emotion identified and then realize what you have to do. Yeah, like to redefine it or whatever. However, you need to process it.
0:10:55 – Speaker 3
And I think, with your kids, no matter their age young adult, high school, young kids there are some things that you can say regularly that help them with that, and we talked about this from a presentation that you saw. I love you because and make it something that is about them. It’s not about an action Like I love you because you won the swim meet is not gonna work here.
0:11:16 – Speaker 2
I love you because that is showing that you have to do something to earn the love.
0:11:20 – Speaker 3
To earn the love yeah, exactly Something just about I love you because you crack me up every single day. You are hilarious, like just things about them that are unique to their character, different ways that they can see what makes them a good kid.
0:11:34 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I think it was Walker Moore, and Walker Moore said that and he was a guest on our show and I heard him present it. He even said to deal with your spouse too, I love you because yeah, and you know, be careful about saying, because you’re a good kid, like I’ve been so guilty about that before. It’s easy to do I love you because you’re a good kid, I know, and just yeah, be careful with that, you wanna say things about their character.
0:12:00 – Speaker 3
you know that are just cool.
0:12:01 – Speaker 2
Well, now I say things like I love you because you’re so honest with me, like you tell me things and you tell me when you’re struggling and that makes you so amazing, because not a lot of kids do that. Or I love you because you help me. You let me help you process your emotions. Like you tell me what you’re thinking, the things that you’re wanting to build the culture on, encourage that, because that is gonna empower them and it’s not making them be. You can tell me that you wanna say the F word. You’re special. I love you because you’re willing to tell me all the things.
0:12:37 – Speaker 3
Other day I told Noah I love you because you’re just so real with me. I love that see the bad and I want to see the good, and I want to see the struggles and I want to see that mountaintop yeah.
0:12:47 – Speaker 1
I love that about you and he was like really you want to, you want to see all that.
0:12:51 – Speaker 3
I’m like, of course, and here’s the thing, you got to say it a lot you do kids. You think that they know how you feel and what’s going on. They need to hear it over and over and over.
0:13:03 – Speaker 2
Another thing why we’re on the subject, man the teenagers last night at this event just did a really great job. I love learning from teenagers, oh yeah and a, a senior boy a senior guy, I guess was sitting next to me and I loved what he said to the parents. He said because we were talking about social media and wanting the likes and wanting the followers and just wanting that affirmation from the world, mm-hmm. And he said parents, the more they hear it at home, the less they need it from the world.
Yes, and he said so continually and it goes back into the. I love you because and I thought it was such a great tip for parents when he said that if you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk radio at 2 pm On a m 6 30 the word nextTalk radio is sponsored in part by PAX financial group and listeners Just like you. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nextoporg and click on give.
0:14:09 – Speaker 1
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0:14:34 – Speaker 2
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0:14:43 – Speaker 3
So if you identify that, you think you have a kid that is often labeled good. One of the things that I talk to my kiddo about is balance. You know I’m like you want to be good. Good is a good thing and we redefine what good is. You know we talk about that, but I also tell them the other side of that. You don’t want to be bad or you don’t want to not be good, because Satan’s going to tell you everyone’s having more fun than you and you’re missing out. I think this is a real good point. Oh, all the time.
0:15:09 – Speaker 2
I will tell you, I fell into some things because I felt like everybody was doing it, like I felt like I was the only good kid out there. It always feels like that and I think you continually need to use your life experiences to tell that to your teenager.
You know, especially when they get older, you can really be more open with them. But I’m constantly telling my teen honey, I know it feels like everybody else is doing it, but I promise they’re not the good kids aren’t saying anything, they’re staying out of it just like you. You know they’re being quiet, they’re not yelling. They’re not yelling from the rooftops.
0:15:43 – Speaker 1
I’m reading my Bible every night and I love youth group.
0:15:46 – Speaker 2
But the ones who are, you know, having sex and vaping and all that. They’re yelling it from the rooftops because they think it’s cool.
0:15:53 – Speaker 3
They’re yelling it from the rooftops and then they’re going home and struggling in the darkness. They are, you know, and that’s what you don’t see.
0:16:00 – Speaker 2
Well, and teach your kids to see the struggle. I mean, we don’t want them to judge other kids yes, but I and my teen has gotten really good at this She’ll come home and she’ll be like so and so is this, and, ma’am, they’re just struggling and like teach them that it’s not all amazing in a party and awesome that there’s struggles in that when you’re making those choices. Absolutely.
0:16:23 – Speaker 3
I remember my mom saying a lot short term pleasure can bring long term consequences. And she used to say all the time like you know, you’re going to mess up, sister. Like you are, you’re going to stumble and fall, you’re going to make bad choices, you’re going to want to do something because it seems like everybody else is doing it. But be careful that your short term choices are not things that will affect you forever. And that just stuck with me, like when I was making decisions. I’d be like man, if this goes bad, it’s a rest of the life kind of thing.
0:16:53 – Speaker 2
Well, and think about the pressure now, because now everything’s recorded.
0:16:56 – Speaker 3
Yes, so it really is forever Like your college admission counselor could look at your job. You’re trying to get a job.
0:17:03 – Speaker 2
Consumption thing you’re doing in middle school. Yeah, I mean the pressure is real right now. I mean that’s so applies to us.
0:17:10 – Speaker 3
Well, and that brings us to segment two here Be aware of the impact the label of good kid makes on your child and your other kids. Don’t let the world label your kid, because labels really stick, and I will tell you that really hit home for me. A couple years ago, we went on a trip to Branson, missouri. It is like the Las Vegas of the Midwest. You have these moments in life where you remember something that was special to you and you feel like you need to like impart that on your children, which is not always a good idea. Yeah, and I was like guys when Gigi and I that’s my mom when Gigi and I went to a little trip. We had this old timey photo taken and I just have good memories of it and we’re going to recreate it and they were like what I was, like it’s amazing.
0:17:54 – Speaker 2
I’ve seen these. Yes, they’re like saloonie type. Why Feathers dresses like all?
0:18:01 – Speaker 3
of that, literally, as we’re putting on the clothes, I’m like why am I putting a corset on? Like?
0:18:05 – Speaker 2
just weird. So see what I’m thinking. Is you know what I’m thinking? Just what I think about the gym, the sweat.
0:18:12 – Speaker 3
Dirty. Other people were wearing these and they were stinky. I can’t even walk in a gym.
0:18:16 – Speaker 2
I can’t Super stinky, it’s so smelly, and so that’s what I think.
0:18:18 – Speaker 3
Well, no, I was just thinking why am I having my children in a saloon? It was just a whole mix of emotions.
0:18:23 – Speaker 2
Okay, so, anyway.
0:18:24 – Speaker 3
So you’re getting in the dress, yes, the boys are supposed to be like robbers and you know they’re wearing their.
0:18:30 – Speaker 2
So they have guns. They have guns and I’m wearing a corset, like what are we doing? We’re just totally not politically correct in today’s world, right?
0:18:38 – Speaker 3
So weird and my daughter’s got feathers everywhere.
0:18:40 – Speaker 2
I so want to see this picture.
0:18:41 – Speaker 3
It’s super weird. I don’t know what I was doing. We have these moments. I was not the good kid that day, so I was like we’re recreating this. And everybody went along because mom bought a group on. So we go in there and we’re doing this and we’re taking the pictures, and at the end she’s like, okay, we’re going to do a few poses. She goes which one of your kids is the troublemaker? And without missing a beat, the whole family pointed at one of my kids. Isn’t that awful.
0:19:09 – Speaker 2
Awful, but we would all do that. We would all do that. I mean, we all know which kid we point to. Yes, you know.
0:19:16 – Speaker 3
And I died inside, like the Lord. In that moment was like I need you to see this, what’s happening.
0:19:21 – Speaker 2
Oh, that’s such a moment, but we do, we do that, it was such a moment, we do that, and then did they say which is the good kid?
0:19:27 – Speaker 3
They did. And then she goes okay, which one is the good kid? And we all pointed, we all pointed. And then she said well, and we know who’s the pretty one. And I was like, oh my goodness, in the matter of 30 seconds all three of my kids were labeled. Labeled and we do that, we do, we do it and we don’t realize, we don’t realize, and I was upset about it for a long time. Actually, we had a lot of conversations about it.
0:19:52 – Speaker 2
I was going to say did you go back and talk about it?
0:19:55 – Speaker 3
Yes, it made such an impact on me and you know, my kids kind of brushed it off, it kind of went over their heads a little bit. But I don’t think it really did. I think they heard it and I think they processed it to some degree because when I brought it up they remembered it and they knew just what I was talking about.
0:20:10 – Speaker 2
I think that they hear those things and they just don’t know how to process it, but it affects them. I mean they hear it.
0:20:17 – Speaker 3
Yes, and we adults, and especially kids, live up to the labels that we put on them. They do it’s so true, and so it is so important to speak into that and not allow our kids to be labeled by the world or by us as parents, and to explain to them why this might be happening. But this is who you really are and this is what you can live up to.
0:20:42 – Speaker 2
When we’re talking about labels, I love first John 3, 1 and 2. See what great love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. Going back to that label, it says and that is what we are. The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him, but we are children of God. Going back to that label, this is the label that matters. Yeah, it’s so true. The only label that matters is the Jesus label.
0:21:09 – Speaker 3
And you know, if your kiddo is taking on one of these labels like the good kid. I think it’s important to speak to some of the bad things that that can lead to, because that really in the long term, can cause a lot of pressure stress, when you spoke to this earlier anxiety. That can lead to things like cutting self-imposed pressure of like I always got to do more. I got to live up to that next thing. I got to be the good kid.
0:21:36 – Speaker 2
Overachieving yes.
0:21:39 – Speaker 3
And so at a young age, if they’re taking on this label as the good kid, it can lead to long term issues with them.
0:21:44 – Speaker 2
You know I talk to my kids a lot about how people can change good and bad, Like you just can be one season here and then change. And everybody can change Like that is, but following that label of Jesus is who you are. That doesn’t change, it never changes.
0:22:00 – Speaker 1
It never changes.
0:22:02 – Speaker 2
Yeah, that’s the label you keep whether you’re making good decisions or bad decisions. The other thing I had a mom tell me this last night and this is a good reminder for us too, and we’ve all heard this, but it was just again. We did this show and I heard it at this event. It was when you get frustrated with your kids, it’s you’re not a bad kid. You made a bad choice, you know, and not to label your kid as bad because they did something Absolutely that’s so good.
0:22:29 – Speaker 3
I will say one thing that we’ve had to talk through a lot in our household. Sometimes, when you’re the good kid, pride becomes an issue because you think you know better, because you see people from stumbling and falling or making bad choices, and if you’re always doing this, quote unquote, good thing you become judgmental and pride creeps in.
0:22:48 – Speaker 2
Like, if I can do it, why can’t everybody else do it? Get with it.
0:22:51 – Speaker 3
Exactly. Oh, I see that it’s a big thing with the good kid. So that’s another negative thing. That’s part of the struggle that we get to speak into if we recognize it early and then you know. Last but not least, I think this one is so important, so important Remind your good kid that they’re going to mess up and it is okay. You don’t expect perfectionism.
0:23:11 – Speaker 2
You expect them to make mistakes. You know, I was talking to my teenager about this show and I said do you have any advice that I can share with parents, you know? And she said well, this is what I would say. She said as a teen in high school, you know, being labeled a good kid. She said I get not really like bullied, but just there are two camps that kind of come at me and she says the one camp is of kids that are like let’s get her to crack, let’s get her to do this, let’s get her to do that, because it’s like almost a challenge, right? So there’s those kids. So there’s kids that are just playing around. You know, they’re not trying to bring her down, but they just want to see her not be good kid the good kid or not be perfect.
0:23:57 – Speaker 3
Yes, I remember in high school kids trying to get me to drink. Yeah, they’re like, let’s just try to get her to drink because I was a good kid, so nobody was trying to get me to drink because I was drinking. You were trying to get me to drink.
0:24:09 – Speaker 2
You were one of them. It’s a good thing we didn’t know each other in high school. And then the other camp. She said there.
She said they’re the kids that will just dismiss the good kids because they consider us all snitches and we’re not going to be around you because we don’t want you to tell our business. And she said a lot of times we fall into the trap of thinking that’s the popular or the cool crowd. But she said if you get in it, if you’re even exposed to it just a little bit, you see the struggles. I mean you see all the stuff. And she said you know, I think kind of what helps her and I try to have these conversations with her is I will say, if you were over in this camp or that camp, it’s not going to make your life perfect. You’re still going to have issues, you’re still going to feel like it’s the grass is greener on the other side, and so it really is like identifying for them. You know, being the good kid does not mean that you’re going to be perfect. It just means that you love Jesus.
Like you, love Jesus and you’re going to get it wrong sometimes, and that’s OK.
0:25:11 – Speaker 3
And I will love you no matter what.
0:25:12 – Speaker 2
I will love you, no matter what it’s so important to say that all the time.
0:25:16 – Speaker 3
So identify your good child, then redefine good for that child and be aware of the impact the label of good kid makes on your child and your other children. And remind your good kid that they’re going to mess up and that’s OK.
0:25:33 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
