0:00:00 – Speaker 1
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0:01:01 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:01:09 – Speaker 2
Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim On AM630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyberparent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter, hit our video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at NextTalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:01:36 – Speaker 3
Today we’re talking about something that seems to be a struggle for me. I mean for everyone.
0:01:40 – Speaker 4
Yes, self-care, self-care. It’s a big deal. You know what I think we just are like I don’t have time for that.
0:01:47 – Speaker 3
That’s what I think. I just laugh when I hear that word. There’s no words.
0:01:51 – Speaker 4
Well, I think of like getting pedicures, admanicures. That’s the problem. We don’t have time for that. We think of these like big things. Yes.
0:01:58 – Speaker 3
Like I need to get away at the spa for the weekend and like in the mountains we can get the big things.
0:02:02 – Speaker 5
Yeah, I’m purified water. Yeah, whatever it is.
0:02:05 – Speaker 3
you know, we go there and the bottom line is that’s not necessarily what self-care needs to be. Today we have asked licensed professional counselor Jamie Merchan to join us, because she’s amazing this is going to be like a counseling session for all of us. I’m not going to say words. I’m not going to say words.
0:02:19 – Speaker 4
I’m feeling it, I just need it. We have free counseling coming on.
0:02:23 – Speaker 3
We’re happy to have you back, jamie, thank you. It’s always good to have you here. You have great advice, and practical tips is what we all need, because we’re all kind of drowning in our own world.
0:02:34 – Speaker 5
I love you all, and so this is my self-care.
0:02:38 – Speaker 4
I love that you’re a wife and a mom and a working mom. Yes, you get it Like you’re us, like we’re Amen, amen. It’s a lot to juggle, yeah, and we feel like we need to make time for is something for us, because there’s not enough time in a day.
0:02:55 – Speaker 5
Right In the day, and we associate guilt to it often times. So I think it’s important that we get a better view on it today.
0:03:03 – Speaker 3
Yeah, so self-care, you know, I said this term to someone recently and they’re like what is that? Which is funny, because I guess it could be at the very baseline, something that you maybe never knew or never thought about the concept of taking care of your mental and physical health as an important part of every day, and that’s what this show is about. Whether it’s something small or big, it really affects everything in your life.
0:03:30 – Speaker 4
Right Yelling more at my kids when I have less patience, like when I’m easily angered when I call Kim balling. All the emails I Normally it literally almost always comes back to the fact that I haven’t been in the word, which is for me myself Care yes.
I haven’t had a long time of just praying, meditating, you know whatever you want to call it. But just that, be still and know Mm-hmm space, and it normally always literally goes back to that that I haven’t been carving out the time. But then I’m like what do I have some time?
0:04:07 – Speaker 5
Yeah, and that can look different for all of us.
I mean, I think that in our society is like this glorified business, and so it can be where we feel like we have to say yes to everything and do it all. Or it can really be that we are serving God well and he has put things in front of us and it’s not even that we’re trying to be busy, it’s just we’re doing important work, and so it’s managing that and recognizing that we have limits, but God is limitless, and so we can’t do it all, but he can. And that takes us back to Matthew 1128 and it says come to me all you are who are weary and Burdened, and I will give you rest. So in our Desperation and exhaustion, we can turn to Jesus for true rest. And we are to care for others, and Care is love. Care is essential to our God-given calling as humans and as Christians. Yet we cannot adequately care for others unless we care for ourselves, and I think that is key. And we forget that we have a bandwidth and we are not called to be all things to all people.
I like that Um so you know it’s a reminder to myself, yeah, and it’s slowing down and, just you know, even biblically, thinking about, like, are we being a Martha or a Mary where Martha was so busy serving others? We’re Mary, just sat at the feet of Jesus. And I think you know, when you think of next feet or next feet, I’m headed to the spot. But when we are with our kids, like, are we just sitting at their feet, meaning, are we just sitting with them or is it? You know, the hustle and the bustle of just being so busy and distracted you know what my kids have caught me.
0:05:50 – Speaker 4
They’ll be like opening up to me about something and I’m literally thinking about what I’m gonna record for radio the next day or whatever, and I’m just nodding.
0:05:57 – Speaker 3
Your kids that happens to me all the time they know I’m not listening?
0:06:02 – Speaker 4
Yeah, and it’s because I’m not taking care of myself and I don’t have the peace, and so I love what you said about it goes back to the business, yeah, and I think we have to define that, because our culture really does tell us that if we’re busy, they were important and we have to be extremely careful about getting caught up in that. Yeah, I loved what you said about how sometimes we’re chasing after the busyness because we want to be quote-unquote successful or important or needed, or there may be, like ministry opportunities falling on your lap and you’re like, well, this is all for good stuff. But again, I think we have to go back to is this my lane? Is this is right? God wants me right? This is what I’m supposed to be doing? Is this, you know?
0:06:47 – Speaker 5
and having that self-reflection, yeah, and also just Really being self-aware of what we’re putting in front of ourselves, because I think often we get burnout too, because we get in the Comparison trap, and a lot of that comes from social media. We’re like, absolutely there in vacation and she’s making homemade cookies and she did that, and you know we’re not seeing the behind the scenes and so we’re just looking at what social media is putting out there.
Yeah and we aren’t called to be all things to all people. You know, I think I said that earlier, yeah, and so God never asked us to pretend we’re not human or needy. In fact, the Bible, you know, come, commands us to remember who God is and who we are. Yes, and when we think about that, you know it is, we are not meant to be Everything and you know it’s true.
0:07:34 – Speaker 3
The society says if we’re not everything, then we have failed right.
Yes, I mean I’m having this image of standing in the garage blowing up a balloon. It was the last day of school, because you’re after school. After after the same day, we come home and we’ve had like field day, that all the things you know and I’m standing in the garage blowing up a balloon and my husband’s like what are you doing? Like he’s like five o’clock at night, school is done. I’m like, well, all the other moms filled the car with the balloons for the last day of school and he’s like him, it’s over, it’s. I was just gonna do it, so wait a minute. I know it’s embarrassing. Stop, it’s embarrassing. You just admitted, I know.
0:08:22 – Speaker 4
I know that because all the moms filled up their homes in their cars. You’re gonna do it after your kids are already.
0:08:28 – Speaker 3
I thought I’m gonna be like let’s get ice cream, and then balloons would come out of the car and I wouldn’t have failed.
0:08:32 – Speaker 4
Have you ever heard the saying if your friends jumped off a bridge with?
0:08:36 – Speaker 3
you. I know I apparently so, sister, I’m dead at the bottom girl dead at the bottom.
But here’s the point I want to make with that is it’s so easy to get caught up. I talk about it all the time, I counsel people on all the time and it’s so easy when you’re tired, when you’re warned, then, when you’ve been all the things, to just have your guard down. And I and I wasn’t filling it up with the word, so I filled it up with images and thoughts and doubts that Satan was whispering in my ear. And there I am standing blowing up a balloon at five o’clock at night, looking like a fool in my garage. So it happened so quickly and easily. It’s good to have people like Mandy and my husband who will be like what in the world are you doing?
0:09:14 – Speaker 4
Yeah, if you would have texted me, I would have shut that down fast.
0:09:17 – Speaker 3
I know, she would have told me she would have put me in my place. But I also want to say to another thing I know I’m just thinking about last night.
0:09:25 – Speaker 4
We have had the craziest week.
0:09:27 – Speaker 5
So much work to do.
0:09:29 – Speaker 4
And she texts me last night and she said I’m just going to pull in all nighter because I got to get this work done. Why am I the butt of all the jokes today? I literally texted her back and said go to bed Like now. Yeah, this is self care right now.
0:09:41 – Speaker 5
It really is like you started the show off. We think of these, like you know, glamorous things and it’s basic needs, basic needs you know sleep, eating well and moving in your body. You know making time for fellowship, quiet time, for sure, yeah. So then I know, I got to say this. I got to say this.
0:10:00 – Speaker 3
Go because it just came to mind. I’m getting your accent. Go get excited Um healthy self care and unhealthy self care. I’m really good at unhealthy self care, which looks like this I put my kids to bed and I’m like yes, do you hear that I scratch? You don’t, because there’s nothing. And I go and I curl up on the couch with a blanket and get some ice cream or chocolate. Your real housewife show my yeah, put on some I do not need to be.
0:10:29 – Speaker 5
I’m not even real. Stop it.
0:10:30 – Speaker 3
I call it TV, smart HGTV, but yeah it used to be real housewives and my husband called me on that one. He’s like what are you feeling here, your body and your brain?
0:10:38 – Speaker 4
Ain’t nothing real about that.
0:10:40 – Speaker 3
0:10:40 – Speaker 5
I was like what do you?
0:10:41 – Speaker 3
mean it’s fun. He’s like why are you feeling? I was like, oh, I’m caught.
0:10:44 – Speaker 4
Yeah, so now.
0:10:44 – Speaker 3
I’m watching shows on like Caribbean life and all these things escapes. Yeah, that’s what I’m doing Excaping, escaping with my ice cream. I’ve got an unhook. I’m thinking I’m taking care of myself because I’m like this is my time this week, but then I feel fat, I’m tired, I didn’t get enough sleep, so it’s not really self care. I’m really like sabotaging myself. So is that like a thing? Unhealthy self?
0:11:06 – Speaker 5
care. I think you know it’s. You know I’m always big on what we’re telling ourselves, right, and so I think it’s just a balance of just like. Yes, sometimes you just need that and that’s okay, but it’s knowing, like when it’s constant, like well, I deserve this, and you know I deserve this, you know.
And so when it’s this constant justification and you know, like, okay, I’m not being a good steward of my time, you know, because I know for me, my husband and I got this, you know, for a while, where we would just escape together and we’d watch a movie, but then it’s like we never talked during that time and so, yeah, and we started, which was really cool.
We’ve been getting discipled and so one of the things that we started doing, which has truly been self care for our soul, which I love is we’re just doing the New Testament, and so it’s five out of the seven days a week you just read scripture together and it’s a Bible plan, but it takes about 10 minutes and so when you think about your entire night, it’s like 10 minutes for you and your spouse to come together and be in the word together, have a conversation where you see Jesus, and that has been some of the best self care and that has truly like just been water for my soul, you know, over HGTV, because I’ve done the HGTV and I still do it. So I’m not like calling you out, because, yes, but it’s just finding different ways, that it’s like what does my soul need? Because in the moment it is that temporary stuff. Right, it’s a temporary escape.
0:12:38 – Speaker 4
It’s a temporary bandaid. Give me the French fries. Yeah, exactly, but then you’re going to feel gross in two hours, yeah.
0:12:45 – Speaker 5
So I it’s just being mindful, because I know myself talk is, I deserve this. You know I got three little ones for and under, so that’s a constant. I deserve this. But you know, god’s entrusted me with these little ones and, yes, I’m to be a steward of them. But how can I best steward them? And that’s by taking care of my soul, taking care of my physical needs, and it’s not even saying getting extreme with it. Right, it’s not like every single minute has to be this productiveness, you know, because then it just becomes more work based, but it’s just, you know you know what I’m saying?
0:13:19 – Speaker 3
Yeah, finding something that feeds your soul.
0:13:21 – Speaker 5
0:13:21 – Speaker 3
If you’re just not tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 2 pm on AM 6 30. The word nextTalk Radio is sponsored in part by the Pax Financial Group and listeners just like you. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations to support our organization. Go to nexttalkorg and click on GIF.
0:13:47 – Speaker 2
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0:14:19 – Speaker 4
You know you were saying I loved how you said you were being mentored by an older couple and you’re working through and reading 10 minutes a day. I have older kids. I know your kids are itty-bitty we not always but when we’re living our best life and we’re doing so well, we have this thing that after dinner we all go get our Bibles and we’ll read a chapter in the Bible.
I love that. A lot of times it’s Proverbs, because we just read. We try and do a Proverbs a day, so if it’s the 15th, we read Proverbs 15. And then we literally read for a minute and then we just discuss it. What did God say to you? What popped out at you? And that’s it. You know what I love there’s no like this is who was right.
0:14:55 – Speaker 3
Right, right right.
0:14:56 – Speaker 4
There’s no biblical scholar-ing going on, it’s just. This is what really popped off at the page in me.
0:15:02 – Speaker 5
You know what I like about that, Mandy, is you set yourself up for success. So whenever you think about something that’s self-care like, make it realistic, make it sustainable. So, you know, if it’s like one of those things I’m going to run five miles a day, like let’s be real you know, and so that I mean I do that you guys don’t, okay, I’ll stop the judgment.
If you all could see me right now. You know I don’t run five miles a day but honestly, it’s setting yourself up for success and it’s really just being realistic. So it’s like you know what I was saying. With my husband and I with our quiet time, it’s five out of the seven days a week. So there’s grace built in and if it’s seven days a week, great. But it’s one of those things where it’s like, well, if we weren’t doing it at all, five days is way better than not doing it all yes or even if it’s two days.
So just start little and don’t create these big goals that aren’t going to be sustainable.
0:15:57 – Speaker 4
Well, one time we worked through the Johns First John, second John, third John and it took us forever because we didn’t do it every night and my kid we even made a joke about it. But I’m like you know what? But we’re, we’re making progress, you know, because we would get busy and somebody would be too tired and somebody would have a breakdown or whatever. You know, somebody would be at school late, and so I love that, I would love to do it every day with my kids, but it just doesn’t happen.
0:16:21 – Speaker 3
And I don’t beat myself up, I just try again when we have time next time, you know Well, realistic and sustainable, because sometimes I think you know, like we have young ones, jamie and I, and we’ll hear things like that and we’re like we got to go home and when you have a four year old, you can’t do that.
0:16:34 – Speaker 4
That’s why I said, and we’re just now my son is going into middle school. Yeah, Like that, literally. We just were able to do that like a year ago. Yeah, we actually read a chapter together as a family and we each do our own, we each read it ourselves, but then we talk about it and it’s like a five minute discussion.
0:16:50 – Speaker 3
Yeah, find something that’s realistic for the age of your kids and the busyness, or non-business of your family. I think that’s really important. And then I also think, looking at self-care from different parts of your life, like you said, for me I feel like my world is topsy turvy when my husband and I aren’t connected. Amen, right, same way.
0:17:08 – Speaker 5
I just need to be on the same.
0:17:11 – Speaker 3
I feel off like every other part of my life, and a same when I’m not in the word. So I feel like I need some self-care by myself, with God, you know, and digging in and really listening and hearing him. I need that connection with my husband where it doesn’t have to be anything fancy or a date night or whatever, I just need to talk to him. Yeah, we need to be connected and having conversation and when that’s off or we’re not doing it, that self-care part, there’s a hole there and it affects my kids, it affects everything. And then, with my kids too, having time. It’s just fun, one-on-one or just intentional. Yeah, one-on-one makes me feel connected and grounded with them, like we’re doing this.
0:17:50 – Speaker 5
0:17:51 – Speaker 3
Hearing you, yeah, and then as a family.
0:17:54 – Speaker 5
Right, and I think you know it’s like I’ve heard that before where stuff gets scheduled and we’re like, oh, how sad that we have to schedule it, but it can. We can replace that word with just being intentional. Yes, and so it’s. You know, as moms, we feel like, you know, we’re always training the kids or discipling them or whatnot, but it’s really just like being intentional, I’m going to block this out and we’re just going to go do something fun. Yeah, and so self-care can just even be, you know, just an intentional little outing, like one day I curled the girls’ hair, we put princess dresses on and we went out for ice cream.
It was simple, but it was fun and it just showed you know how we can have fun together. And it really wasn’t about discipling, it was about just enjoying life and that I think that sometimes self-care we don’t know how to just enjoy something simple because we feel like they’re-.
0:18:39 – Speaker 4
So I know some people think when I say self-care, they’re like oh, a girl’s trip. I don’t have time for that. No, I’m talking about like you don’t have time for a girl’s trip, yeah. Going out to your back porch for 10 minutes, right, and making the time? Yeah, like again you said make sustainable goals, right.
0:18:55 – Speaker 5
Right. And then also, just you know, even you mentioned earlier date night that can just be putting the kids to bed earlier and having a different dinner with your husband in your home, and so it’s just being intentional, it’s creating fun and it doesn’t have to be this like oh, so much work or so much planning, because that’s not going to be realistic.
0:19:16 – Speaker 3
It’s just not the same. That’s the mindset we even have a team member. Like when their kids are practicing soccer, her husband will walk the track around.
0:19:23 – Speaker 5
That’s their talk time.
0:19:24 – Speaker 3
Yeah, just things that you can do that are real simple.
0:19:27 – Speaker 4
I think that’s important, you know, I stumbling and knowing, knowing to you know you brought up your spouse, but knowing what helps them too, I think is really important, Cause if you’re feeling off when you guys aren’t connected or talking, then you need to know what is their self care, look like.
0:19:41 – Speaker 5
0:19:41 – Speaker 4
Um, and I know that recently I kind of stumbled upon this. But one night, um, my husband came home early and the kids were like helping me make dinner or whatever, and I was at a point where everything was in the oven and I could just step away for five minutes, you know, and I went in the bedroom and I just like rubbed his arm, talked about his day for five minutes right, that’s all I did, and it was. I wasn’t even planning out this big thing and at the end of it he was like I wish we could do that every day, like just that five minutes of just catching up with you before I walk into the, you know, being attacked by the kids.
0:20:12 – Speaker 5
It was really nice.
0:20:13 – Speaker 4
Sometimes those just unexpected on-plan little things are so much more meaningful than like the big things you know, I kind of noted in my head this is how he takes care of himself, Like he likes that.
0:20:25 – Speaker 5
0:20:25 – Speaker 4
And so that helps too Like your relationship, because then you’re feeling better and more at ease and at peace when you know yes.
0:20:34 – Speaker 3
I kind of want to shift a little bit here, as we’re talking about self care. I think a big part of that because it is physical. You know doing the whole thing. You know I’ve heard about that and exercising I’ve heard about that Um, not eating tubs, advice, um. And also you know the connection with your family and taking time for yourself and with God. But there’s a point, sometimes there’s seasons in life where I feel like it’s just a struggle and you’re and it’s hard to get over something or through something, and you need to take self care to a different level, where maybe it’s time to just get some counseling, to work through some things and have self care of your own mind so that you can be healthy in the day to day. I love that.
0:21:10 – Speaker 5
Kim, I think that’s absolutely, absolutely imperative to recognize that, and you know it’s also. There’s so many options of how you know counseling looks like, because I’ve been in counseling and mine was through a telehealth which is like a FaceTime session.
0:21:24 – Speaker 3
You can do it. Yes, it’s really online counseling.
0:21:26 – Speaker 5
So there’s so many different options now, if it’s like, oh gosh, the travel time or the cost, there’s lots of different options on how we can meet that need, which I love, because I think that it’s one of those things you know, don’t wait till the house is on fire, like you smell smoke, and so do something.
Because lots of times people come when they’re in crisis mode and you know life is hard and we have our own stories and you know just like we’re to be a good steward of our time, of our bodies. I also feel like we need to be a good steward of our story. Ultimately, it’s his story but meaning like we have stuff in our lives that are hard, and be a good steward of that, meaning work through it, because you know we can only stuff for so long and I always say we deal with it or it deals with us, and it’s a really hard when those boxes come on stuff if you’re in a season with littles or just in a chaotic season, so it’s really just recognizing and being preventative rather than when the crisis hits.
0:22:26 – Speaker 4
So this is like when you’re trying to self care and it’s not working because there’s something bigger going on that you need to work through. Right, and it’s time, yeah, it’s time to move forward with this, yeah.
0:22:36 – Speaker 5
And just the freedom that can come with that, because I think oftentimes you know it’s like oh, counseling, you know that’s, that’s for the week, or like I’m good, I’m good, my marriage is falling apart, yeah. And it really takes a strong couple to say we want better and to make that time and commit to wanting better, or even a person yes, a marriage or a person to be like I want to be better. That’s what I always tell my for my spouse.
Yes, exactly People in my office. What I know about you just from meeting you in time is you’re a strong person, because a strong person says I want better. They’re willing to be vulnerable, they’re willing to do the hard work. So it can sometimes just be trying one session. You know, sometimes it is scary thinking of doing something new, or maybe you’ve had a bad counseling experience or you have this idea of what it is. So don’t even commit to it. Just say I’m going to try one session and if it’s a you know, not a good fit, don’t give up on it either, because sometimes it takes a while to find a good fit or somebody who’s equipped.
0:23:36 – Speaker 3
Jamie, if someone is thinking I’m at that point and I just need a little bit of help, how can I get a hold of you?
0:23:41 – Speaker 5
Yeah, I have a website which is sacounselorcom, or you can also Google my name, jamie Mershawn, and I’ll pop up on psychology today.
0:23:51 – Speaker 4
And that’s M-E-R-S-H-O-N.
0:23:54 – Speaker 5
Yes, right, yep, it’s J-A-M-I-E.
0:23:57 – Speaker 3
Thank you, yep, and you work with kids and adults. Absolutely yes.
0:24:01 – Speaker 5
Yep and families. So it’s kind of a or yes exactly.
0:24:06 – Speaker 4
And we will vouch for her. We have sent families to her and said she’s good and the families come back and be like. I had one family come back and she was like I didn’t even know counselors like Jamie existed anymore. That’s true, that’s literally what one family told me, and so when we get that kind of feedback from many different families, we’re like, okay, this one’s good, keep going, keep going.
0:24:24 – Speaker 5
Well, it is good Because they’re seeing what we see. Yeah, I just love people and we all got our stuff, and so it’s really God just giving me a heart for people and so thank you, thank you for sharing that.
0:24:37 – Speaker 4
Well, I think too that kids can really relate to you. You get to know them, you love them.
0:24:43 – Speaker 5
0:24:43 – Speaker 4
And you. It’s not just let me fix whatever’s going on here. And I got a sense from that the minute I sat down with you the first time, which was I don’t know how long ago now, but you genuinely cared. I remember you even saying to me are you taking care of yourself? You got a lot going on. Are you here? We go back to self care.
0:25:04 – Speaker 3
Mandy, are you taking?
0:25:05 – Speaker 4
care of yourself. No, I’m not. I will tell you right now I’m not right now, I’m a little off right now.
0:25:10 – Speaker 3
I haven’t been, you should call Jamie.
0:25:13 – Speaker 4
I haven’t been in the word like I should, and I know when I’m off and I know what helps me. Yeah, I know what helps me, and so I just have to be. I have to realize this is important.
0:25:25 – Speaker 5
0:25:25 – Speaker 4
Because I can’t be the wife, the mom, the nextTalk person. I need to be.
0:25:29 – Speaker 5
0:25:29 – Speaker 4
Without taking care of me. Yeah, in that she know my relationship, me and Jesus.
0:25:33 – Speaker 5
Yeah, and I love that. And a quote from Kevin DeYoung his book Crazy Busy is Jesus did not do it all. Jesus didn’t meet every need. He left people waiting in the line to be healed. He left one town to preach to another. He hid a way to pray. He got tired. He never interacted with the vast majority of people on the planet. He spent 30 years in training and only three years in ministry. He did not do it all, and yet he did everything God asked him to do, and I love that.
0:26:01 – Speaker 3
That is amazing. That’s amazing.
0:26:02 – Speaker 4
I need to take a picture of that quote. Nobody can say it any better. That was good.
0:26:07 – Speaker 5
So what is God asking you to do? And I think that’s looking at your plate, and it really is a practical thing. Yeah, get a paper plate, draw a circle, right All the things on your plate and really start looking. What is God asking me to do here and what are things that he’s not putting in my lane?
0:26:27 – Speaker 3
So good. Thank you, jamie, that helps so much. We appreciate you being on the show always.
0:26:31 – Speaker 5
Thank you for having me.
0:27:01 – Speaker 1
Prepare your child to be a leader with 100% online learning. At IL-Texas Virtual School, students virtually engage with teachers and classmates live in real time. Go to iltexasvsorg. That’s iltexasvsorg.
Transcribed by https://podium.page