0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:30 – Speaker 2
Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 3
Today we’re talking about sex. Let’s talk about sex.
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baby, I can’t sing without doing this dance. It’s a super weird shoulder dance. She’s like moving her shoulder. It’s like I’m 90. It’s like I’m popping in her chair. Yeah, clearly I’m aging as I sing.
0:00:49 – Speaker 3
So previously we did a show on sex ed curriculum like what you need to know.
0:00:53 – Speaker 1
It was a great show because, as your kids, you know whether public or private, as they get older, that’s going to be a part of a discussion you’re going to have to have and prepare them for, and so we gave you some real practical things that you need to know and do before that comes up.
0:01:08 – Speaker 3
And we brought on an expert who kind of works in this space, kind of to tell us what she’s seeing and the trends.
Yeah, that kind of thing So we could be aware of what’s going on. One of the things we said in that show was listen. We firmly believe that sex ed needs to define terms for kids and make sure that they know sex is sex, right. But the conversation about who to have sex with, when to engage in that sexual activity and all kinds of things, we believe that is a parental choice. We believe that there’s a line there And we advocate strongly that parents take the lead in talking to their kids about sex. So because of that, you have to be ready to talk to your kids about sex And we wanted to do a real practical show on what this looks like at the different ages and stages.
0:01:56 – Speaker 1
Yeah, because if we aren’t stepping into that space, if we’re just relying on school or we’re just hoping they’ll figure it out, which I hope it’s not either of those, But if it is, if it is and we’re not stepping into that space, we know what our kids are going to do. They’re going to ask their friends and they’re going to Google it. They’re going to find it easily and it’s not going to be what you hoped for them in understanding what sex is, especially if you’re a Christian and you want them to understand sex as God designed it.
0:02:21 – Speaker 3
Well, and you know, i know that when your elementary kid asks you a highly sexualized question, it is freak out mode. It is like what is happening? right? I want you to tweak your thinking. Okay, i want you to tweak your thinking. What if your kid Googles that? What is it going to take them to? It’s going to take them to videos of pornography. So let me just tell you some of the most searched terms on porn hub last year anal threesome and stepmom. Do you want your kid being educated by porn hub? Yeah, like that’s the. That’s the answer.
0:02:59 – Speaker 1
And so well, let’s just take it one step further. To you might be saying, well, i just don’t think my kid is going to look that up. I don’t think they’re going to see porn hub. You know they’re too young.
0:03:09 – Speaker 3
If Google what is, what is oral sex or what is, but let’s say you’re by. Let’s say they don’t.
0:03:14 – Speaker 1
Google, their friends will, and so we always have to look outside the obvious to if you’re like you know what I have. People tell me all the time, because I have the youngest kids are like we don’t know, they don’t have access. You know how are they going to hear about it? Or I shut that stuff down. Yeah, shut down.
0:03:28 – Speaker 3
Yes, we hear that all the time.
0:03:31 – Speaker 1
And I said, well, do they ever go anywhere at all outside of your home? Do they have any friends, neighbors, church, anything, boy Scouts, whatever it is a place for them to go? And I said, well, i’m not sure where it is a place where they interact with other kids? Well, yes, of course they do. Well then they’re going to hear something we got to prepare.
0:03:47 – Speaker 3
I cannot tell you the number of calls and messages we get that kids are exposed to this at church. Yeah me through a conversation or somebody else’s phone, even if your kids aren’t allowed to have a phone And you hear a lot.
0:04:02 – Speaker 1
You hear us fired up because we have the fire, we’re fired, we’re fired, we’re sweaty. That’s weird. You have the opportunity to step into this space you really do And the more that you step into it it becomes easier, i promise you. At first it is awful and awkward in your mind, but it becomes a great safe place for you and your kid.
0:04:22 – Speaker 3
I mean, I’m sharing all this stuff with you guys because I don’t want you to be afraid of this conversation. Right, If you can get past that fear, you’re saving your kids from pornography exposure from being taught about sex from the world. Like there’s so many voices coming at your kids so loud, we want your voice to be heard the most, because you can point them to Jesus.
0:04:47 – Speaker 1
Yeah, right, let’s, let’s dig in here. Let’s talk about some of the real practical stories that we hear at different ages and stages and things that we know work in.
0:04:56 – Speaker 3
Well, let’s talk about like what it’s not right. Okay, i grew up in a situation we didn’t talk about sex very often at all. Yeah, i mean, i can’t really remember anything And sometimes we revert to Okay, well, this is a checklist, so we’re going to have a 10 minute conversation about sex this Sunday night and then check I never have to talk about it again. And then next Sunday night we will tackle pornography and then check that off and then we never have to talk about again. That is not what we’re saying here. Yeah, we are talking about creating a healthy dialogue. So you’re going to be planting seeds. When they’re babies, you know, when little teachable moments come up, you’re going to be planting these seeds. But as they get older, this conversation is going to look totally different. Like, think of it like an ongoing conversation.
Yeah, right, it’s an ongoing process, and so when you’ve got teenagers like me, it may be watching shows like The Bachelor. Don’t judge me, i’m judging you. I’m telling you there’s so many teachable moments about sex in that, in that show right there. And this season is great because there’s a girl on there who is waiting for marriage because of her beliefs. She’s very well spoken and she feels herself like I am not judging you for your behavior, but I don’t know if I can be in this relationship anymore because you’re choosing something different than I’m choosing Right, and it’s just been amazing conversations Which I would have avoided had I just listened to the judgment of don’t watch The Bachelor with your kids. So I’m just saying it’s just an example of when your kids get older, you’re watching more shows with them, that they’re exposed to way more and you can have so many great conversation.
0:06:37 – Speaker 1
Yeah, this looks so different at different ages and it looks different for every family.
But I’ll tell you one thing that I don’t want to say doesn’t work.
But I want you to think of it more like as a tool if it’s important to you Because of the age of my kids.
I hear from parents all a lot, especially moms, that will say, okay, i have planned this special getaway, we’re going to go away for the weekend, me and my girl, and we’re going to have the talk And it’s going to be special and beautiful and we’re, you know it’s going to be this amazing thing. And what I want to say is there’s nothing wrong with having special girls weekend and, you know, doing something that is just between you and your daughter. But when you begin this process with the standard that to talk about these important things, you have to go away and it has to be a special moment to cover things like sex or cover, you know, things like pornography, then in their minds you’re planting the seed that to talk about these things with mom or dad, it has to be a special set of part time, instead of any time it comes into my mind or any time that I want to talk about it, where I’m worried or concerned or have questions, and that’s not how we want to start this conversation.
0:07:38 – Speaker 3
I mean, it’s the same thing as like having a Sunday family meeting, and that’s the only time we can address these issues. That’s not the kind of culture we want to build in our home. We want to build a culture where we’re driving to soccer practice or, you know, we’re on the way home from school and they heard something at school and they need to get it off their chest really fast. What is this? What is this? Yes, that’s the kind of culture we want to create.
Now, i love how you said that, though, it’s a tool. So if that’s, if that’s something that excites you and you want to do that, anything that gets you talking to your kids is not a bad thing. Exactly, but what we want to be careful of here is that you don’t check a box and never come back to the conversation. So, you know, maybe use it as a tool to be like this is the beginning of our conversation, and when we go back home, we can talk about this at any time. You know, add that in at the end if you want to do something like that.
0:08:24 – Speaker 1
I even told this mom the other day. I was like what if you told your daughter because she had already planned this trip? I said, what if you told your daughter that you really wanted to have space to talk about this and begin these conversations without being interrupted by the boys in the house? You just wanted it to feel comfortable for her when you started the conversation.
And she loved that because she said all the time the boys are like what are you talking about and knocking on the door, and so I think that makes sense.
0:08:47 – Speaker 3
Maybe on your getaway have a code word that when your little girl wants to talk about sex or has a question and she wants to do it in private, when mom hears that code word, it’s I got to go to her room or I got to carve out the space or whatever.
You know like. So it’s not bad, it’s only, it’s just like. It’s just like phone monitoring devices The exact same concept. It’s a tool, but if you implement it and then take your hands off the wheel and say I’m done, i don’t have to do anymore, that’s the problem. Exactly That’s the problem we want to avoid. Yeah, okay, we sound a little preachy here, but we’re.
0:09:18 – Speaker 1
But we’re like we’re passionate about it.
0:09:20 – Speaker 3
This is important Like this is really, really important. You know we’re going to just throw some Bible verses out there for you Because, as everything at nextTalk, how you want to handle this conversation is your choice, your family, your choice. But we believe that the truth comes from the Word of God, and so we base all of our conversations on that, and so we want to talk to you about where we’re coming from. There’s a lot of verses that we could point to. I just want to give you like two or three that you have in your tool belt. Okay, this is 224.
A man leaps his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh. And then I love following up with that, genesis 4-1,. Adam made love to his wife Eve and she became pregnant and gave birth to a son. That’s sex, right there. I also love 1 Corinthians 7-2-3. I think it’s very simple and it’s very much to the point and tells kids what God thinks about this. It says, because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. That’s sex. So good, i mean, it’s there black and white, right, and so either you believe that that’s true or not, and that’s your family, your choice. But at nextTalk, all of our conversations are centered around that truth.
0:10:47 – Speaker 1
And that’s a great way to start the conversation with your kids when they ask a question is to say well, let’s see what God says about that, and you’ll hear us say that all the time. It’s like pointing kids back to scripture instead of spoon feeding them saying here’s a couple of verses. Look it up and tell me what you think this means. What does God feel about sex? Does he have a word on it for us? And they love that because they’re usually our surprise. My kids are anyway. They’re like oh, my word, It’s in there It’s it.
It says the word Yeah, and we do that a lot, even with like discipline and other things. It’s great to point them back so they know where to find it and they know that it’s not just your opinion.
0:11:23 – Speaker 3
Right, because we get it wrong sometimes. Let’s just be real.
0:11:26 – Speaker 1
We’re. when I told my kids I know everything and I’m the smartest person on the planet, they couldn’t find that in the Bible. So you know it just helps to validate God’s word.
0:11:34 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and you know that’s if you have readers and they can go read a verse. But, kim, you know you’ve got. you’ve got the smallest kids on the team. I mean, what does this look like? planting seeds in little, in littles?
0:11:46 – Speaker 1
You know we started really young with nextTalking on this journey and it started with just we ask a lot of questions to gauge kind of where our kids are at, and then we just plant little seeds along the way about our relationship, like about my husband and I being best friends, about love and honoring each other. We will just talk about marriages between a man and a woman just casually. It’s never been a sit down conversation with my little people. Until recently I had a conversation with my son when he finally asked, but leading up to that it was just the planting seeds. What do you think about that when they would hear something And then we would just speak truth into whatever they heard or saw And that allowed them to feel like they can ask anything, they know where we stand, and then when the big conversation comes, they they’re ready for it.
0:12:32 – Speaker 3
I love the questions, like to gauge where they are.
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0:12:36 – Speaker 3
What information do you have right now in that little brain and what kind of yeah, what kind of information do I need to give you? I remember when my kids were much younger, you know, i would say things like well, sex is something that’s healthy and you get to do when you’re married, like Adam, and even the garden they were naked and it was okay because they were married. Yeah, right.
0:12:56 – Speaker 1
And just little, like little things that they hold on to. Yeah, i heard one the other day and I’m still thinking about it, but I thought it was such an interesting one that kids could really wrap their head around. This mom was telling me she explained to her kiddo. They asked like why can’t we have sex outside of marriage? And this was a pretty young kid, yeah. And she said well, i want you to think about a fire.
And he’s like, okay, when you look at a fire in a fireplace, what do you think? And the kid was like it’s beautiful, like I’m drawn to it, it’s warm. I wish we had a fireplace, like it’s a good thing. And mom was like, yes, and she’s like now I want you to picture if we lit that fire outside of the fireplace in the living room. That’s great, look at that. What do you think about that? And he’s like it’s scary, like it’s gonna burn our house down and it’s gonna hurt me. And I was like, oh, my goodness, what a great way to explain it to your kids. Real simple, like when it’s where it’s supposed to be, the fire in the fireplace, it’s beautiful and warm and we’re drawn to it And it’s where it’s supposed to be And it’s a good thing, but when it’s outside of that, it’s dangerous, it’s scary, it’s not what we are drawn to, and that kid just really got it And it really resonated with me And so I thought I think I might share that with my kids.
0:14:08 – Speaker 3
I love that. I really like that. I think it’s a good teach, especially for younger kids Like elementary age.
That’s great, they can totally get that. Yes, and maybe you’re sitting out there saying, okay, well, when I’m listening to this show, when do I bring up these conversations Like, what do I do? Like, if they’ve never asked me right, and I’m telling you, this has to start in elementary school, like it has to even before. really, you need to be planting seeds before. The reason I say this is because when they get to middle school, they are now doing a sex ed class And they’re gonna be talking about all sorts of different kinds of sex. They’re gonna be again mature warning here.
0:14:52 – Speaker 1
I’m getting ready to say some stuff.
0:14:54 – Speaker 3
They’re gonna be defining anal sex and oral sex, and so if you can set up you know what God’s design looks like first and how babies are made, then you can go into different because their questions are gonna get more detailed. So you need to create this foundation before they get to middle school And as your kids get older, if they’re asking way more detailed questions and you’re like, oh my gosh, you know things like sexuality and transgender, we have separate shows that you can go to to get information on that.
0:15:24 – Speaker 1
Times are changing.
0:15:24 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it’s really happening faster and faster.
0:15:27 – Speaker 1
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0:15:55 – Speaker 2
There’s big news. If you are an investment client of USAA, this might be the right time to look at San Antonio’s PAX Financial Group. 2 1 0. 8. 8 1 5700. Paxfinancialgroupcom.
0:16:21 – Speaker 1
Investment advisory services offered through PAX Financial Group. Today we’re talking about how to talk to your kids about sex. We recently did a show on sex at curriculum and what your kids might be learning in school. And to prepare for that, you have to start that conversation at home. But what does that look like at different ages and stages? And have you been planting the seeds along the way? Because that’s the easiest thing you can do when you have little kids is planting seeds along the way so that they know what you believe to be truth. And here at nextTalk, god’s word is truth for us And that’s where we base all of our beliefs. So if you’re planting those along the way, when those big questions come, you’re ready for it and they’re ready for it.
0:17:01 – Speaker 3
Yeah, you know, and I just go back to my fourth grade moment with my daughter, and you know she asked me this highly sexualized question and we hadn’t covered anything yet And it was way outside of where babies come from, and so I had to do a lot of back peddling and creating a foundation first before I could answer that question for her.
And so for me, what it looked like was, you know, one night I knew, i knew I had missed it, i knew I had missed the boat here, and so one night it was just she and I and we were, i think, megan Tacos or something you know, chopping it. The boys were gone And I just casually said, hey, have you ever heard the word sex? Like we need to talk about this. And you know, and I encourage you, when you bring something like this up, be doing a normal activity. So be going on a walk, you know, making dinner together, driving in the car, it makes it less awkward. What you do not want to do is say, hey, in an hour we need to go have a sit down and we need to have a conversation on the couch.
Red flag alerts boundaries go up walls go like, what is she going to say to me? So you know, this is just like a casual conversation And again, this helps create a culture where they can ask you anything at any time. And she said you know, i think it’s something you can do when you’re married. And I said yes, and in my mind I was like right, and I said you know, it can also mean male or female. And then I could tell that she was getting really embarrassed And so I backed away.
And I think this is extremely important as you start these conversations. If you just go full steam ahead and like break out the diagrams and the science behind everything and they’re not ready yet, then it’s really difficult to come back from that. And so, you know, i said I sense she was uncomfortable. And I said, hey, i mean she’s nine at the time, right? So of course she’s uncomfortable. It’s our first conversation. I’ve never gotten into this. Like I totally miss this as a mom. And so her natural reaction of being like standoffish was completely normal. And so I said to her hey, if you ever have a question, i’m here. Just don’t ever Google it. And I want to give you this information, like I want to be your source, and so that was that. And it was a couple of weeks later she came back for more information And then we got into the science of it and the anatomy and I used real medical terms, you know, and how it goes together and all of that stuff. And then you know, that was like our second or third sex conversation.
And now we’re probably on our 600.
0:19:41 – Speaker 1
I don’t know. We’ve had a lot of conversations about it.
0:19:45 – Speaker 3
We’re 16 now, And so over the last seven years there’s been lots of different conversations and what it looks like now.
0:19:53 – Speaker 1
Well, i’m glad you told that story because a couple of things I want to point out. When you first begin this and you’re asking your kids open-ended questions, like you did, you know what? do you have You heard this word sex? Definitely, open-ended questions are good to gauge where they’re at and then make sure you really understand what they’re asking. You know, like what you said, she wasn’t ready for the whole thing in honor, that they may not be ready to hear the whole story yet, because if you push them into that space it’s so uncomfortable. But you can recover from it and I can tell you that from experience. If you’ve already done it and you’re like man, it’s okay. It’s okay. We were sitting on the couch one night and this story will make you feel better. I did ask my son if it was okay to share it, so I want to put that out there.
0:20:35 – Speaker 3
All our conversations.
0:20:36 – Speaker 1
Yes, all of them for their permission. Yeah, and so I. One of my kids really needs to know like the schedule ahead of time.
0:20:44 – Speaker 3
I’ve got one of those.
0:20:45 – Speaker 1
And so I’m going through. Here’s what’s happening for the weekend, you know, friday, saturday, and this is what you can expect. And I finished them like anybody have any questions. And one of my kids says I have a question and I was like sure what isn’t? And they said what is sex? And I was like It’s happening like inside, you know and can you share the age that this happened? Yes, And nine. This was nine, i’m just before 10.
Exactly when my yes, yeah, and we had had little question. You know conversations leading up to it where I kept saying, circle back when you’re ready to hear. Because he had said before I don’t, i’m not ready, i don’t want to know anymore. Like we had seen things on TV and he had heard things and I had answered those questions. He’s like OK, that’s enough. Yeah, so it just came out like that And we were all like on the couch and I was like thank you for asking me, let’s just go take a little walk in the bedroom, you know, because we got everybody out here And so we did. And I was like well, grab your Bible. And then, you know, i had him look up some of the verses and then I went into like the anatomy And as I got deeper in he was getting more uncomfortable.
I’m like are you sure you’re ready for this? And he’s like yeah, and by the end he’s like sliding off the bed. He’s like this is disgusting. You know, it was real awkward for him. And he asked a few questions and I was like OK, remember, you know, if you find yourself thinking about this or you have more questions, please come back. I’ll answer anything. And daddy’s a great source, and that was the whole thing And I was like, ok, i think that went all right.
So it was like a week later We’re in the car and he’s just laughing hysterically for what seems to be no reason And I’m like brother, like what is so funny? And he’s like mom, i just have to tell you something and don’t feel bad, like I love you, but I need to tell you something. And I’m like what? And he’s like remember the other day when you were telling me all this stuff about sex? And I was like, yeah, yeah, that was great conversation. He’s like, yeah, well, i didn’t, that’s not what I asked. And I was like what? He’s like, yeah, i asked you what is suck? I was like what? And he’s like I didn’t want to know about sex And I could have. We laughed so hard, i mean for good, like 10 minutes. We were like laughing hysterically. I was like I am so sorry, like I asked him a few follow up questions, like are you sure you’re ready? You know, give me the context in which you heard it. And it all aligned somehow with the word sex.
0:23:01 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I guess it would.
0:23:02 – Speaker 1
Yes, so I thought I had done my due diligence there, but I really didn’t. And you know what? I started to beat myself up and I was like you know what? It’s OK, it’s.
0:23:10 – Speaker 3
0:23:11 – Speaker 1
It’s OK, and I tell that story because you are going to mess up And I apologize to him. I’m like dude, i’m sorry, and we have since had other conversations. But my point is you can recover from it if you kind of mess it up the first time and keep the conversation going.
0:23:25 – Speaker 3
Yeah, i love that, and in such a young age. So I love that you’re giving practical tips for our, for our parents of young kids that are listening And please laugh with your kid. One thing that, as my kids have gotten older, this is extremely important, that I feel like for older kids, you have got to say this to them, and really it’s two things, and I know it’s sticking because I’ve heard my kids repeat it, which I love.
I love hearing them when they repeat things. One is don’t let Satan twist your thoughts into thinking you’re the only one not doing it. Yeah, because if they get older they know who’s having sex, absolutely Like you know, you know. So one, don’t let Satan twist your thoughts into thinking you’re the only one not doing it. And two, the good kids are not going to broadcast that. They’re not doing it. The only ones that are broadcasting it are the ones who are doing it. Yeah, and so that sounds like a loud voice, but you know, it’s like the smallest number making the biggest. You know Emotion.
0:24:24 – Speaker 1
Yes, I couldn’t think of the word Yes.
0:24:26 – Speaker 3
And so that is so important for your kids as they get older And they know people who are having sex and they know friends who are making bad decisions. It’s just an important conversation.
0:24:38 – Speaker 1
Okay, this is super important, So we want to get to it. Avoid sex is bad lessons with your kids. Yeah, it’s great And it seems like Okay if done within the fireplace. It goes back to that It does And I will say I just want to put this little caveat in there. I have had friends and conversations with people who is not great for them because of medical reasons. Don’t let that be a part of your conversation with your kid when you’re explaining sex. That’s something you need to work through. You’ve got to have these conversations with your kids and present it in the light that God designed it.
0:25:10 – Speaker 3
Yeah, he designed it. It’s healthy If done like within the fireplace.
0:25:13 – Speaker 1
0:25:13 – Speaker 3
Okay, so to wrap up, one, the sex talk is not a one time conversation. This will be an ongoing discussion. Two, the sex conversation will be different at different ages. This is a healthy progression. And three, sex is good when saved for and enjoyed the way God intended. Teach your child that it is worth waiting for.
0:25:34 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the word. You are not alone, trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nextTalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page