0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Today we’re talking about tackling the tough subjects.
0:00:40 – Speaker 3
It’s so easy to ignore the stuff. That’s hard. The awkward, the stuff we want to sweep under the rug because we’re like why are you asking me this? Where is it coming from and how in the world am I going to answer it?
0:00:50 – Speaker 1
The cringe-worthy questions coming from our you know, even our elementary age kids.
That’s really you know the teenagers. You’re like, yeah, they’re exposed to that, but when you’re third grader ask you something crazy, you’re just dying inside, right? That’s the stuff that you’re just like. You’re not ready yet and we’re not going to cover this yet. I’ve learned so much on this journey and one of the things that God has showed me is if we can be their safe place to ask those awkward questions, it actually protects them. Because think about it like this. Think about if your third grader this is a true story, by the way third grader comes and asks you about oral sex right, what if they had Googled that? It would have taken them straight to pornographic videos. So if they can come to you and say what is it? And get age appropriate not too much, but answer their question right, can you imagine how much we can literally save them from?
0:01:49 – Speaker 3
It’s really a shift in your thinking. Yeah, a lot of times I had a mom just yesterday tell me I don’t want to expose my kid to stuff she doesn’t know about, and I said, I get that. I think we all feel the same, especially when they’re young, like why would I introduce this idea into their head? And it’s really a shift in not only the fact that you’re not introducing it, but you’re explaining it and you are their source and you can give them the truth and you set that standard that you can depend on me for the answers. Nothing you say will shock me, nothing you say will knock me over. I will be okay.
0:02:21 – Speaker 1
Well, the more we’re in this culture, the more we realize we don’t have to introduce anything to our kids. They’re hearing it on the playground, so the more they feel comfortable coming to us, they’re asking, they’re beginning the conversation.
0:02:31 – Speaker 3
Absolutely.
0:02:32 – Speaker 1
Right. And so today I want to talk about some of those cringe-worthy questions that all kids ask yeah, that I’ve even struggled to have an answer for, because I’m not God and sometimes I don’t understand right, absolutely. And I think it would just help parents if we can kind of create some dialogue with us. You know, like we’re setting up our living room trying to figure this out. My kid came and asked me this just to kind of get your mind going about how you could approach some of these things.
0:03:01 – Speaker 3
Think about some of these questions that are some of the ones that people ask us about the most, like how do I handle this? Are you born this way? It’s a big one.
0:03:09 – Speaker 1
That’s a big one. Why do people suffer? Why is there cancer? You know I’ve gotten that one a lot.
0:03:15 – Speaker 3
How do I love people that I don’t agree with?
0:03:18 – Speaker 1
It’s so hard, these things are so hard. Isaiah 55, 8, 9,. That is one of the verses that I always, always come back to when I talk about my kids with this stuff, about this kind of stuff. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways, as the heavens are higher than the earth. The Lord says my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts. I always tell my kids look, I’m not God, like I don’t know. You know, here’s what I think. Or go look up this verse. This kind of explains a little bit. But at the end of the day, I’m just a mom. I mean, I’m just a human. I’m a mom, I don’t know.
0:03:58 – Speaker 3
I’m not the creator. I feel like that verse is such a great way of saying even if I have some ideas about it. At the end of the day, I don’t have the final answer, and that’s okay, and I think we’re afraid to say that sometimes, like I just don’t know, and it is okay for you not to have all the answers, truly.
0:04:16 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I’ve said to my kids before you know I don’t understand, but I know I’m supposed to love people. I know I’m supposed to love God and love people. That’s, that’s my call in all this. You know what my action steps.
0:04:28 – Speaker 3
Yeah, so what we really want to do is some of those questions we just mentioned and others that are swirling through your head. We want to show you what that looks like under our roof, like how do we handle some of those things, and maybe some ideas that can help you navigate it in your home.
0:04:41 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I would say first of all, ask open-ended questions. So when they come to you, make sure you’re really understanding what they’re saying. Yes, one time we had a situation where a little kid came to mom and said where did the little Johnny come from? And the mom just went into this birds and bees type explanation. Like 10 minutes into it the little boy is like I mean, is he from Chicago? Yeah, so like, make sure you know what they’re asking before you launch into all this teaching moment stuff.
0:05:15 – Speaker 3
I agree especially with little ones, because a lot of times they’re just wanting some facts and we go into this place of anxiety and we’re not ready to answer, and so we say these things, sometimes that are not even true, or we say too much, neither of which has to happen. If we ask those open-ended questions and find out what they really wanna know and then decide if you’re ready to answer, you do not have to be able to answer right away, which is kind of what we started by saying, is it is okay to say you know what? I’m so glad you asked me and I wanna give you a good answer. Let’s circle back to this. You know, like Mandy and her 24 hour rule, let’s circle back to this later and we can talk about it, because I wanna give you an answer that fits your age.
0:05:54 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and for those of you who don’t know my 24 hour rule, it’s in my book but you know, when my kids ask me something and I don’t know how to say it in age appropriate terms, but I wanna give them the information. Like I say to them, let me pray about this. I wanna give you the information, but I don’t wanna give you so much that it puts pictures in your minds that you’re not ready for yet. Yep, and then I consult. You know, I talk to my heads up, mama, I call my mentor, I talk to you. You know I get on the phone and I start researching, like how am I gonna explain this? And I pray about it. You know I really pray about the words. I love when people email us and they’re like I need help. How do I explain, you know, sex to a second grader? I’m in the 24 hour period.
0:06:38 – Speaker 3
Yes, Like I love that.
0:06:39 – Speaker 1
Cause you can hear the panic like I gotta be ready in 24. Gotta get all the resources in line. But really do go back to them, because that shows them that their question is important and if you just ignore it then you’re kinda just sweet-putting under the rug.
0:06:51 – Speaker 3
We don’t wanna do that, we don’t wanna do that and we don’t wanna vomit on our kids. That’s the other thing. That’s a good one, Cam, we do and we do.
They say something where, like that gut reaction, it just comes out and we’re like oh my goodness, we start preaching or lecturing, or yes, or we go into way too much information that they don’t even want, and I think what’s really important is to tell the truth, and when we vomit, a lot of times things come out that are not true, because we’re trying to protect our kids. Mom, just the other day, when we were at an event, told me that her child asked like where do babies come from? And it caught her off guard, and so her immediate response was you swallow your prayers and a baby comes out.
Oh my, and she was just surprised by the question and not ready to answer it, and so she just thought that I can say it causes confusion it causes confusion and then it sets it up for a situation where your child goes to school or is at church or with their friends and they repeat that and they can be teased. They can be told they’re not right, you can be teased and your child feels shame and frustration and confusion based on something that you have said.
0:07:57 – Speaker 1
So, even more than that, when they find out that’s not accurate, they’re never going to go to you again, because it’s like mom doesn’t give me the right answer.
0:08:05 – Speaker 3
Well, yeah, that’s the full circle of it that shame and confusion and everything. And then they look back and it traces back to you and they say mom is not a trustworthy source, and that’s really. The bottom line is that we always want to give them the truth. It doesn’t have to be the whole truth, it can be age appropriate, but it’s important that we speak truth over our kids.
0:08:23 – Speaker 1
You know, I had a situation recently. We always use that phrase protect your heart and mind. And it’s something that I’ve just instilled in my son since he was little, because I missed it with my daughter, and so with my son I’m just constantly saying protect your heart and mind. You got to look away and he came home from school just a couple weeks ago and he had a big loaded question as a fifth grader and I did not have to explain this to my daughter until she was in seventh grade. So I was like okay, I’m glad he asked me.
We’re driving in the car, it’s just he and I and I start to explain it in age appropriate terms and he literally threw his hand up in my face and he was like stop. And I said what son? What? I’m giving you the information that you need. And he said I want to protect my heart and mind. I don’t think I need to know this for at least a year or two. And I was so proud of him because, like he knew anytime he wanted to come to me, I’m going to give him the answer. But he chose Like I don’t want those pictures in my head yet and I told him. I said listen. If you start thinking about it or you start picturing it, that’s your red flag alert. Come back to me Because we can talk through it. I don’t want those pictures in your head about what you were exposed to. Yes, and so just that safe place.
0:09:34 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and if we fail to lay that foundation that says I’m your safe place when their next question comes up, we’re going to miss the opportunity to be their source. They’re going to find it from somewhere else. So creating that safe place is so important when tackling the tough subjects because if you want to be able to speak into the bigger questions, you’ve got to create that safe place from day one. We have a couple of shows about that. Creating a safe place is one, and where do I start? Both of those will help you with creating that in your home.
0:10:02 – Speaker 1
You know, one of the most difficult questions for me, kim, is are people born this way? Yes, you know, starting at 11, you guys know my story One of my kids came home and was asking me what bisexual meant, because there were lots of kids at their school saying they were bisexual and I had to explain what that was. And I remember, you know, just, I wanted to start preaching and I wanted to start lecturing and I got mad because I was like why do our kids have to even think about this at 11? You know, like that was my first reaction, like it’s just, we didn’t have to deal with that till high school or college. And now, all of a sudden, they’re trying to figure out am I this, am I that? So I need to label myself to. You know, it’s Well and it’s trendy.
0:10:50 – Speaker 3
It’s trendy, so they want to do it because it sounds cool, it’s trendy and we did.
0:10:55 – Speaker 1
You know, I have we don’t have time to go into it, but I have a whole chapter on this. Actually, I have three. Yeah, I have sex, sexuality and transgender. And you know, step one is to teach love. I mean, I remember the first time she said it to me, old Mandy would have been like just stay away from that kid because she’s confused. I’m ashamed to admit that, but that was old Mandy.
0:11:16 – Speaker 3
Well, I think it’s our gut reaction to protect.
0:11:18 – Speaker 1
Well, just so I don’t have to explain it, you know it’s the fear in me, right, which is wrong. And but new Mandy was like okay, I’m creating a safe place, we’re going to create some conversation about this, I’m going to go in, you know. So my first thought was step one just love her, just be nice, don’t be unkind, don’t let anybody bully her. You know that kind of thing, the Jesus love. And then step two was really um, hey, I want you to go read first Corinthians, seven, two and three, and I want you to tell me, um, what God says about it. I said I don’t get an opinion, right, like I don’t get an opinion on what this is. And so she came back to me and I said what do you think? And she said well, you know, I think God says marriage is between a man and a woman. And I said okay.
And then we went back to the love part. You know, the John eight, the adulterous woman. I go in detail on that in my book, we just don’t have time today. But then, you know, that was like the first conversation. And then, like, months later, you know, she, you could tell that we were just thinking about it. And she came back and I got the question yeah, but are people born that way, mom? Like I don’t know. And I will be a hundred percent honest, the first time she asked me I struggled with this big time because in my mind, like I don’t feel like God could make somebody a certain way and then say you can’t be that way. The Lord who promised you this beautiful beckoning and we are going to be married, like I just struggled with it. Yes, but I know God knit us together in the womb, you know, I know that. And so I told her I don’t know, like I’m not the creator and I feel like that’s between God and each person.
But here’s what I can tell you about this whole thing is that sometimes lots of feelings are involved and feelings take over sometimes. And I said it would be no different than if a man and a wife were married and the wife found another boy that she wanted to go out with and she started dating this person. You know, those feelings take over and you’re like, oh, I married the wrong person, or oh. And I said you know, we got to get a hold of those feelings. And I know there’s a quote from Scott Sal’s and he says our feelings can lead us astray, but God never will.
Yeah, and I love that. Yeah, it’s so true. But then on the flip side of that, you’re you’re smiling because you know we’ve talked amongst our team and there’s people on our team that feel strongly like I just think some people are born a certain way, like they just yeah, I don’t know Absolutely, and so I’ve struggled with that a lot and recently I feel like I got the answer. It was like I’ve been on this journey to answer this question for my kids forever, and it was in a book. It’s called Gay Girl, good God, by Jackie Hill Perry. You guys got to go check it out.
Yeah, you read it in one day, in one day.
0:14:07 – Speaker 3
You were so excited. Hey, it’s so good. Go follow her on.
0:14:10 – Speaker 1
Twitter. Her stuff is great. She says look, I struggled with this my whole life. When I was little, I was attracted to girls like I knew. And you know, I guess she would say she never said I was born this way, but she knew from a little age that she was born this way. And she says she has this beautiful explanation in her book. And she goes back to Adam and Eve in the garden and she says because Adam and Eve sinned, everything that came after them is tarnished. Yeah, and so I was probably born this way. But it wasn’t God who made me this way, right, it was sin who made me this way. Yes, and she actually left the lifestyle and now she’s married to a man.
And you can read you got to read her story because it takes you on the journey of just her whole surrendering to God, no matter what it is, she says. It may be sexuality, it may be finances, it may be pride, it may be. Whatever your struggle is, it’s all about surrendering to God and saying Lord, I’m going to do what you will have me do in your word. And I went back to my kids after I read this book and it opened up a whole other set of conversations because we had struggled in our home. Are people born this way? Like? I don’t know, like, and you know what? That may still not be the answer because we’re still not God, right, but it helps create this conversation and understanding with our kids.
0:15:44 – Speaker 3
Well, and that’s the key is that if you shut it down from the day she asked the question, this conversation and this understanding and this walking through it together would have never happened, and so that really is the key. If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 2 pm on AM 630, the word nextTalk Radio is sponsored in part by the PAX Financial Group and listeners just like you. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nexttalkorg and click on give.
0:16:28 – Speaker 2
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0:17:01 – Speaker 1
So we’re talking about tackling the tough questions today. We kind of just went in to am I boring this way? Because that’s a tough one that we get asked.
0:17:10 – Speaker 3
Yeah, especially if you’re a Christian. I think that it’s not only we’re asked by our kids, but others, and so being able to think through that and process it and have those conversations with your kids because they’re going to be asked those questions too as they get older really helps them, keep them safe so they’re not googling and wondering what do I think about this?
0:17:28 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, and in the earlier segment I quoted 1 Corinthians, 7, 2, and 3. Let me just read that for you guys, just so you have it, because there is so much sexual immorality each man should have his own life and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. Matthew 19, 4, and 6 is a great one too. God made them male and female. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.
0:17:58 – Speaker 3
We’re talking today about tackling the tough questions. Yes, are they born this way? It’s really hard. It’s a big one that comes up a lot as your kids get older especially. But I mean there’s so many questions so many things that they hit us with and, like we’ve said before, you don’t have to have all the answers. This is about creating that conversation and answering them in truth.
0:18:19 – Speaker 1
One of one that my kids asked me you know what is? Why is there cancer? Yeah, and disease like all these weird diseases right?
0:18:27 – Speaker 3
Yes, my kids ask a lot about why. Why is there violence? Why do people hurt each other? Who would do that? Why would they choose that?
0:18:33 – Speaker 1
So I think the violence one is a great one, where you can talk about free will, you know that everybody gets free will. I know we talk a lot about that after school shootings. You know God does allow it, I mean because he allows free will. So when people make choices, bad choices, others are affected. And I kind of flip that on my kids and even say that’s why your choices are important, because you can affect other people.
0:18:59 – Speaker 3
The ripple effect. We talk a lot about that, Like in that moment you’re thinking just about how it affects you and the ripple effect of that can be for generations.
0:19:08 – Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, cancer. You know cancer and disease. And why are babies born with certain diseases and all you know? Why do they struggle that kind of thing? I always again revert back to Isaiah, that verse 55, eight and nine. I don’t understand. But here’s one of the things that we talk a lot about in our home, about diseases and stuff. Again, I struggle with thinking. God does that.
0:19:37 – Speaker 3
Yes.
0:19:37 – Speaker 1
You know, I think that he allows it because we’re human and, just like before the arc, he allowed all the sin to happen before he intervened, right, and I feel like one day he is going to intervene again and he’s allowing it all to happen because we get free will. But I mean, I think I really do believe that cancer and diseases, all these things that we’re seeing, it’s environmental stuff, you know, it’s stuff we’ve developed. We’ve developed manufacturing and you know like, think about all the products. You know, for so long cigarettes were no big deal.
And now it’s like, oh my gosh, this causes so much stuff. You know what if? What if in 10 years it’s our paper towels that we were using? You know, nobody knew it, but something in there was causing, when it got on our hands, like I don’t know, I just have a hard time believing God would intentionally do something horrible to us.
0:20:28 – Speaker 3
You know what?
0:20:29 – Speaker 1
I mean Like and the way yeah, I go with like cancer and a baby born with. You know I just struggle with it.
0:20:36 – Speaker 3
I think what’s important here, what you’re saying, if you’re listening the way that you just laid that out, that’s the conversation with your kid. You don’t have to say it’s because of paper towels. You don’t have to do that, and a lot of times when we feel like yeah, sorry, sorry we love favorite towels especially selective size, my favorite.
But the point being that a lot of times we feel like we have to lay down the law or we have to set the standard or have to speak the truth Like this is the final word, like we feel as parents, like that’s our job and it’s really not our job. It’s to help them navigate different sides of things. Like Ecclesiastes 718, the message version is so great it’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it. And if we can present both sides or just share, here’s what I’m thinking.
0:21:29 – Speaker 1
I don’t know. What do you think that’s, I think, so important.
0:21:32 – Speaker 3
Here’s what I’m thinking.
0:21:33 – Speaker 1
Here’s what I’m thinking. And sometimes they have little theories which are so cool to hear because you’re like, oh, I get that, yes, you know, but just creating the conversation. And also, you know, a lot of times when our kids come to us, when we do just start lecturing or speaking truth or just we want to vomit, like you said, on them, they just tune out. I mean, think about it when you were a kid with a teacher, with a coach, with a parent, anything. If they just start lecturing you, you’re done.
0:22:01 – Speaker 3
Lost in the lecture. That is my new saying.
0:22:04 – Speaker 1
Lost in the lecture.
0:22:05 – Speaker 3
They just they tune out. They’re looking at the kid running past you in the background, or the TV. They just get lost in there and we don’t want to lose our kids.
0:22:14 – Speaker 1
It’s just not worth it. It’s really about creating dialogue around it, and you don’t have to know the answer. Like you said, it’s OK to just say well, here’s what I’m thinking, but I don’t know. His ways are not my ways, so I’m not God.
0:22:26 – Speaker 3
And let me take it one step further, and I have done this myself, when I have done a good job of saying here’s what I’m thinking. What do you think my kids have said some whack things, like just straight up, like terrible ideas, and our inclination sometimes is to say well, no, no, that’s not right, or to shut it down because we’re fearful of what they’re saying. But they’re just repeating what they know from their experiences.
0:22:52 – Speaker 1
Maybe it’s what they’ve heard.
0:22:54 – Speaker 3
Or something they’ve watched something, they’ve heard, a conversation they’ve had. So again, going that one step further. When they say something crazy or that you know for sure is not true, instead of shutting it down, create more conversation around it. Why do you feel that way? Where did you hear that? What makes you think that? So it’s not easy, it’s not, it’s a process. But if we can dig in there and not shut it down, man, we’re going to have some kids who can really navigate this future world. Yeah.
0:23:23 – Speaker 1
And at the end of the day it all comes back to making sure we’re defaulting to love. Bottom line, with our kids’ questions, we can’t get mad, we can’t get angry at them, we can’t go off. And then also with these really hard to navigate sexuality and transgender questions, I mean, let’s just circle back to that because this is super important. Yes, you have got to default to love. John 8 is a great story that you can read with your kids. It’s about an adulterous woman. She was caught in the act of sexual sin and when she was caught people wanted to stone her because that was the law. Jesus saved her from that. He said you, without sin, cast the first stone. So basically he’s saying look, if you’re sinless, then you can throw the stone, but if not, you don’t have any right. And then I love this part of the story because then Jesus and her are left. Jesus could stone her. Jesus was perfect. Jesus had not sinned. Yet he said to her go and sin no more. He pointed out the sin.
0:24:25 – Speaker 3
Not you.
0:24:25 – Speaker 1
You know I tell my kids you don’t walk down the hallway and point out everybody’s sin. Nobody’s going to like you Nobody. You’re going to become a target for bullying and it’s not your job. Now it’s different. If you have a close friend coming to you saying what do you think about this? Then you can send them to the scripture. You can say I don’t get an opinion. Here’s the scripture. Read this and see what you think God says.
0:24:44 – Speaker 3
Let’s talk about it.
0:24:45 – Speaker 1
Yes, but it’s that default to love.
0:24:48 – Speaker 3
Yeah, you know, I just need to throw this out there real quick. You need to know that Mandy and I mess up all the time, all the time. All of our team messes up in our families. We are not perfect. Just like you. We’re walking through this one day at a time, and when you mess up, or if you have and you’re feeling overwhelmed by that, don’t let Satan tell you that it’s too late or that you’ve ruined your relationship or any of those things. Circle back, apologize, ask your kid. Let’s talk through this. I am your safe place.
0:25:20 – Speaker 1
For a wrap up segment today. One don’t ignore their question. It’s OK if you don’t have the answer. Two create conversation around their difficult questions. And three default to love.
0:25:33 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:26:00 – Speaker 4
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