0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Music playing. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the Word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a non-profit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:35 – Speaker 2
Last week we discussed a question that we get asked a lot when should my child get a cell phone? We talked about how this is going to look differently for every family. A phrase we like to use at our non-profit is your family, your choice. But we didn’t leave you hanging there. We gave you some questions to ask yourself to make sure you and your child are ready to take this on, because it’s a big commitment.
0:00:59 – Speaker 1
It is a big commitment and there’s a lot of things to consider. So we watch you through some key things to implement with a cell phone contract, what that looks like, how that may work for your family and some clear guidelines to lay down when you do decide to give them a phone.
0:01:12 – Speaker 2
Yes, and one of the guidelines we covered last week was, you know, pornography, what to do and how and when to report it. And the bottom line is starting at an early age, teaching our kids to protect their own heart and minds.
0:01:26 – Speaker 1
You know, when it comes to pornography, it’s not an if it’s a win. Nobody, including myself, likes to hear that, especially when I’m thinking about my children, the fact that they will be exposed to this, but the reality is we have to prepare them. We’ve got to have these hard discussions and conversations because they will see it at some point. So in planning to address the epidemic nature of pornography it’s available online, it’s all around us. We need to prepare and protect our kids and our family. But as we prepared for this on nextTalk Radio, we realize the level of statistics, the trends, all the resources that we have dealt with and that are coming at us right now. We want to make sure that you have everything that you need to talk about this with your family.
0:02:11 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know the number one call we get. The number one question we get is when should my child get a cell phone? We tackled that last. The number one panic call that we get from parents is pornography. I found porn on my seven-year-old’s iPad. What do I do? And we want to give this adequate time because it really is an epidemic.
0:02:30 – Speaker 1
And we want to address it from a lot of different areas that will affect your life, your kids, your marriage, your family, your social circles, all of that. So we want to give you a comprehensive series on pornography, so be looking forward to that here on nextTalk Radio.
0:02:46 – Speaker 2
Yes, we are working hard behind the scenes to try and get that together for you, talking with a lot of people in our community experts and we are. It’s going to be a great series and you definitely want to tune in for that, absolutely.
0:02:58 – Speaker 1
If you’re just not tuning in, welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630,. The word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:03:20 – Speaker 2
Today we want to address a specific question about social media. You know, do we automatically let kids have it when they get a phone? What is that process and what does?
0:03:29 – Speaker 1
it look like. Yeah, you know, a lot of people think phone equals social media and we want to dispel that myth and we want to explain how the two are different.
0:03:37 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know, that’s not how we did it in our family and I learned a lot about scaling back and just giving the phone and then implementing one social media platform at a time. It was so much easier to manage and to teach and talk with my daughter as we worked through that process.
0:03:54 – Speaker 1
Before we get to what that process looks like and how to possibly implement it with your family, we need to define social media. It’s not exactly what most of us think, including myself. I’ve learned a lot about it. We define social media as any platform, an app site etc. Anything like that where you can connect with others online. So that’s the defining point If you can connect with someone, that’s social media.
0:04:20 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know, I used to think of social media as the main platforms like Facebook, twitter, snapchat, instagram, and I had this light bulb moment one day when I realized my kids were on Roblox playing this popular game and on Musically, when we were creating the fun little videos on my phone that people can like their videos, that they’re posting. Yeah, they can see them and respond. Yes, and I had this light bulb moment. This is social media too, but we don’t really think of it as social media sometimes.
0:04:48 – Speaker 1
That’s such a good way to describe it, because we’re thinking about the things that we connect with. But really anytime our kids or someone can connect with someone else, whether it’s just a like or it’s viewing something any interaction with society makes it social media.
0:05:06 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and I can honestly tell you most apps today you can connect with other people. That’s why the kids love them. They can get online and game with others, and so we need to be really careful about what we’re allowing and how we’re talking to our kids about implementing that in their life.
0:05:20 – Speaker 1
Remember too, it’s not just your older kids. It’s easy for us with the younger kids, like myself, to say, oh okay, well, I’m safe. Then my kids are just playing games or they’re just doing, you know, they’re building a little farm. A lot of those games have the ability to like and to connect, even on the four plus games. So please keep that in mind. Social media starts when they’re young.
0:05:42 – Speaker 2
Yes, that’s when they’re in junior, and you know, then when you step up to the tween age, you’re eight to 12. And statistically speaking, that’s when a lot of kids start getting cell phones. You know that really, the 11 to 12 year old range is very popular. And so what we did in our household is we did this in three steps, and last time these three steps are one, prep and practice, two, phone and contract and clear guidelines, and three and then implement social media. You know, last show we covered the first two steps, so today we really wanna talk about this social media and how we implemented that.
0:06:16 – Speaker 1
Once you sign the contract, you’ve given your kid the phone. You’ve gone over all the rules. You’ve had all the discussions about that. We don’t recommend starting social media for a while. If you haven’t done this yet and you’re wondering, you know the way to roll that out, we’d say hold off on that. Allow them to text and play games. Where they don’t connect with others online, you can do things like FaceTime. Calling really isn’t the thing anymore. If you haven’t done, it.
They just don’t do that, most people don’t call Even for me as an adult, when someone just call me. I’m like what say what?
0:06:49 – Speaker 2
Can we text please? How do we?
0:06:50 – Speaker 1
even do that. It’s like it’s something that has become a past feature on the phone, which is really funny.
0:06:56 – Speaker 2
Yeah, facetiming is a big thing, you know, when they get their own phones. I mean, I’ll never forget one time we were shopping in Walmart and my daughter was like talking to someone and I was like who are you talking to? And she’s like oh, I’m FaceTiming, my friend. I’m like what they’re shopping?
0:07:08 – Speaker 1
0:07:08 – Speaker 2
They’re shopping together and you know. So we rolled this out where we had clear guidelines, and so the FaceTiming became a teachable moment for us. You know about make sure everybody’s properly dressed and you have to do it in an area where you know no, behind closed doors. You know, that was in our cell phone contract, we covered that last time and so that was the thing. But you know, once we’ve got a good grip on that and you see, okay, they’re following the guidelines, they’re getting this, they’re understanding this. You know, I would recommend doing one social media platform at a time.
0:07:39 – Speaker 1
Okay, so you’re thinking, maybe the one that you’re familiar with, or talking with them about something they’re interested in.
0:07:46 – Speaker 2
So yes, you know, one of the great things about having moms on this journey and other dads and parents that can guide you is that they’re gonna tell you what’s coming and what’s popular. Yes, so I had a few friends say, hey, buckle up, because Instagram is really popular with sixth and seventh graders, so be ready for that when it comes. And so that’s one of our recommendations at nextTalk learn the social media platform first. And so right when my friends told me that I got on Instagram and I started learning it myself and I was on it a good four to six months before I let my daughter on it.
0:08:19 – Speaker 1
I think it’s good too, because you can look at how you use it and then be asking questions and seeing how kids the age of yours are using it. It might be very different and you need to know that.
0:08:28 – Speaker 2
It is definitely different. I mean they talk within the DMs and it’s just. It’s not a way to hide from parents, it’s just that’s the cool way to communicate. That’s how they’re growing up With me. I’m like just text the people Like I don’t need all these DMs going and my text message is going, but they don’t think like us. It’s a whole new thing for them.
0:08:47 – Speaker 1
And DM or direct messaging is kind of where they live and remember we mentioned this before. If you’re thinking, well, I check my kids’ text messages. That’s not where they live anymore. They direct message through apps and a lot of the programs that check text messages and those things. They don’t pick that up, yeah.
0:09:06 – Speaker 2
So what we wanna do today, so what if you’re at the stage where you have given a cell phone, you’ve implemented one social media platform at a time? So what does this look like? What are some tips? And what we wanna do is give you some like practical tips first, and then we wanna move into the conversational aspect of it, because we always say here, it’s great to have these restrictions and it’s great to have these guidelines, but the real key is the relationship.
0:09:31 – Speaker 1
Absolutely. Whatever we talk about on nextTalk, we’re always gonna come back to that. Okay, so you implement social media? These are the things that we need to go through.
0:09:40 – Speaker 2
Yes, so we learn it first. For sure, and, like I said, I was on Instagram four to six months before my daughter got on. Two, make sure the account is private. Most social media platforms have a way that you can turn the account to private. That means that they have to accept their follower request.
0:09:58 – Speaker 1
People just can’t follow them at random and make sure you have the conversation with them that some people have more than one account A lot of their friends, a lot of people in their school and so talk to them about why that would happen and why that shouldn’t be happening under your roof or in your household, so that you can make sure that you’re following just one account and you’re keeping up with them on one account.
0:10:21 – Speaker 2
Yes. Another tip follow your child on social media, and that is we need to add a disclaimer here you can’t see their direct messages when you’re following them. You can only see what they’re posting, and so it’s also good. Another tip to know their account password. Instagram’s great. They just did an upgrade I don’t know about six months ago where you can go from account to account on your own phone. So I actually have my daughter’s account logged in on my phone now and I can go from account to account and actually then see what’s going on in her account, not just the postings.
0:10:57 – Speaker 1
Turn off location services. When you’re taking a picture, if your location services are on, it will be tagged where this person is at what time, and that can really put your child at risk. So within the app and the settings, you need to go in and turn off location services.
0:11:13 – Speaker 2
Yeah, we covered that last time. So if you need to do a check on that, you can go back and listen to that. It can be app specific, so you don’t have to turn location services off for the whole phone. If you have a tracking device or find your friends or find your phone and you want it on for that, you can leave it on for that. It’s app specific.
Another tip only allow followers your tween or teen knows in real life. Now, this is a big one and you need to explain the why behind this. Absolutely Because there are cyber strangers and we’re actually gonna devote a whole show to this next time because this is a big topic that we want kids to understand. There are bad people online looking for them and they don’t need to be afraid, but they very much need to be aware, and so it is a real critical time. When I’m scrolling through my daughter’s account, if I ever see somebody I don’t know, I will say, hey, how do you know this person? And normally she’ll say, oh, fourth period, whatever Right, but just that awareness of don’t let anybody follow you who you do not know. And again, we’re gonna dive into more about that and what that looks like on the next show.
0:12:15 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, and again with setting a password and making that the account private. Anyone who’s following them has to ask permission, so they will have to go through that process in their mind. Do I know this person? So set them up for that role play a little bit, so they know exactly what to do when they are working on their account.
0:12:33 – Speaker 2
One of my friends who have kids a little bit older than me. She has this guideline and it’s a great guideline. She says you know, I don’t allow my kids to follow anyone more than two years older than them, unless I know that person and they’re like a family role model. You know they’re a mentor type or from church or a family member. That’s Exactly. But in general, and that is a good rule, because here’s the thing kids two years ahead of you, they may be dating, they may be kissing, they may be hand holding. It just accelerates the want of the younger child to want to do that. So that’s a good rule that we have implemented in our home.
0:13:10 – Speaker 1
And then decide on a case by case basis which adults your child may follow. Like I just said, family members maybe cousin Bob wants to connect with your child just because you are a family and they want to see what’s going on with their art show or whatnot. But it needs to be case by case. You need to probably look at their account and see what kind of things that they’re posting and have the conversation with your spouse and with your child about who’s appropriate.
0:13:36 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you know I want to add to that teachers and pastors. You know that is a real big one for me. Teachers we go on a case by case basis. You know my daughter and I have very frank conversations about inappropriate relationships with teachers and how they could start online, and so we take that very seriously and it’s a conversation we’ve had early on. The other thing is pastors. You know pastors that I’ve followed for a long time that I just get so much encouragement and motivation from. I will have my tween follow them. She’s a teen now but when she was even a tween when I would have them follow them and it’s so great because it fills up their newsfeed with encouraging biblical, foundational stuff. So when they’re scrolling through they’re getting the word of God right there and so it can be used for so much good, Absolutely.
0:14:24 – Speaker 1
I think on that same note, artists musical artists.
0:14:28 – Speaker 2
They’re a big one.
0:14:29 – Speaker 1
I mean, we all know a lot of the story of my life, I think, about music and at that time in my life it was a big part of it, and the words are going through your kids heads and they’re Memorizing them and so if they’re following someone, you need to make sure it’s the right kind of artists and have that conversation With them, because then they’re not only hearing the words and the music but they’re following quotes and seeing what’s happening behind the scenes at concerts and who’s there, and so you want to make Sure it’s the right kind of content excellent tip.
0:15:00 – Speaker 2
These are practical tips for implementing social media and, like I said before, you know these. Those are great and those are great guidelines, but really we want to get you focused on the conversation. So what does this look like with your kid, the relationship with your child? How do you talk about social media before you implement it?
0:15:17 – Speaker 1
If you’re just now tuning in, welcome to nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim. Every Saturday at 10 am On a m6 30. The word nextTalk radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit Organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:15:38 – Speaker 2
Okay, so I have a whole chapter in my book. It’s called talk a practical approach to cyber parenting and open communication. I have a whole chapter devoted to social media and some Conversations that we had before we implemented the first social media platform, because I saw I mean, I know I struggle with social media there are some things when I’m scrolling through and I wanted to help my teenager process this. So I wanted to go over a couple of those key points that I mentioned in my book.
0:16:06 – Speaker 1
One of the big ones is popularity. Yep, kids want likes and if we’re being completely honest here, don’t we all don’t we all? Want to be liked in a general sense and then you kind of boost that into this social media platform and it is intense, hard to process as an adult. So imagine as a teen, tween or kid trying to go through this and being liked or not like. That’s a lot.
0:16:33 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah. And then you, you know, you go into the self-esteem, like what if you don’t get the likes, but all your friends get the likes, so what’s wrong with me? And then it becomes this you know, internal conflict.
0:16:43 – Speaker 1
That’s happening and instead of just posting, like a picture or statement or truth, because it’s important to you, you’re thinking how can I put this, or or how should I post it so that I get more likes? And so you start to change your behavior.
0:16:57 – Speaker 2
Well, the other thing is you really learn about popularity when you’re on social media and our kids really see, because they know when they’re not invited to the party. Yes, you know, when we were growing up you didn’t get invited to a party. You may have heard about it at school, but it was highly unlikely that you really knew all these parties were going on.
0:17:13 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I mean, it was kind of like you’re hurt in the moment and then you can kind of move on because the party’s over and life goes on.
0:17:20 – Speaker 2
But today that a shift has happened and we get back to that parenting shift that we must recognize. So when our kids don’t get invited to the party, they know it now because it’s all on social media FOMO. I don’t know if you know what that stands for F O MO. Kids use it when they’re texting, when they’re communicating online. It’s the fear of missing out.
0:17:42 – Speaker 1
I Think we can all relate to that. You know, even as adults, we see something before the fact or even after the fact that’s going on, and maybe it’s not even something we’re interested in or something that we would normally do, but maybe we’re missing out on something. And our kids Experience that all the time, and it’s a big time on social media because it’s being blasted before them every detail, every experience, and so they start to have this FOMO.
0:18:10 – Speaker 2
Well, and the other thing is it can be downright hurtful because some things that kids do is, even if you are invited to the party say, a child didn’t want you at that party they will tag a group picture and they will tag every person but you and that’s kind of the kids way of saying you were at the party but I didn’t want you at the party. So this happens like this is this happens, and so the popularity conversation and this fear of missing out. I started it a year before we got on social media, before my team got on social media, and we really talked about what is the purpose of getting on this platform and one of the things that I told her was hey, it is not to get likes, it is not to post a post every party you get invited to because other kids are gonna feel left out. You know we need to have empathy for the kids who aren’t getting invited to the things you’re getting invited to.
And then also, you know it’s just really we wanna share a little bit of our lives with an outer group of circle friends. You know these aren’t our inner circle friends. These are kids we know at school. You know we know them in real life, but they’re not our inner circle. They’re not. We don’t get on social media and share all of our private situations and every feeling that we have or every food that we eat. It’s just not something that we post all of our business. But if there’s a moment in your life when it’s a big moment and you wanna share, it, you can share it Absolutely and we need to definitely model that.
0:19:38 – Speaker 1
You know, as parents, it’s such a big thing. I see it all the time at parties with families, I know, and the moms or the dads are over here taking pictures of every moment and some people are in the picture, some are not. We need to model what that looks like for our kids in every one of these situations.
0:19:54 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I love Luke 626, the message version. It says my task is to be true, not popular, and so if you can instill in your kiddo you know that the overall goal is not to be popular, before you implement social media, you’re one ahead of the game, cause it solves a lot of issues about not getting invited and not getting the likes and you can talk through those as they come up Exactly If you haven’t had this conversation with your kiddo and you know they’re struggling with it, it is not too late.
0:20:25 – Speaker 1
You’ll hear us say that all the time. It is never too late to sit down and talk with them about truth and biblical scripture. That will give them a touch point, something to stand on when they’re struggling through these things.
0:20:36 – Speaker 2
Another thing comparisons. This is another conversation in jealousy. So you know, have you ever been scrolling through your Facebook feed cam and you’re like, oh, there’s Beth, she’s in the Bahamas for the third time in less than four months and oh, they just bought their fourth house there?
0:20:54 – Speaker 1
Like really, and you’re like and I’m like scrubbing the toilet.
0:20:57 – Speaker 2
Ah, we said it at the same time.
0:21:00 – Speaker 1
That’s a little scary and that was not planned.
0:21:02 – Speaker 2
No, it’s not. And you’re thinking what’s wrong with my life, like what do I do to not get to go to the Bahamas? Here’s the thing. People don’t post, you know, when they’re at financial ruin. Or people don’t post oh, my spouse is having an affair. Like, we don’t post that stuff, and for good reason, because those are private things that we’re trying to work through. There’s struggles, but we have to remember people post the good stuff on social media, the best stuff.
0:21:29 – Speaker 1
The best stuff Usually and the best picture of the 20 that they took.
0:21:32 – Speaker 2
Yes, and with filters, with filters.
0:21:35 – Speaker 1
It is not reality most of the time and we’ve got to teach that to our kids.
0:21:39 – Speaker 2
Our kids need to know that, like before they get on social media. It’s such a critical conversation. Proverbs 14.30,. A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body, but jealousy is like cancer in the bones. You know, if we don’t have these ongoing conversations with our kids about comparing themselves with other, again their self-esteem is affected. I mean this can we can have depression and anxiety arise because they’re constantly comparing themselves with people online.
0:22:08 – Speaker 1
Galatians 6.5 says don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life, the life that God has given you. So important to instill these truths and these biblical scriptures in your kids so they have it in their heart as their own filter when they’re looking through these pictures and trying to understand what they’re seeing.
0:22:31 – Speaker 2
Yeah, another conversation I cover in my book is desensitization. This is a big one because now we’ve got live stream violence happening. I mean there was recently, you know, a Facebook murder that was not taking down and so some people saw it. And this, when Shocking, I mean I can’t process that, that a human life is being taken in front of my eyes. I can’t process that. I cannot expect my 12 or 13 year old to process that.
0:22:59 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, and you know that can start young, with desensitization. I encourage you to verbalize what you see and hear with your little ones. So if you’re watching something that makes you uncomfortable or sad or happy, a lot of times we’re feeling those things but we’re not saying it out loud and so then it just becomes a level of norm that I’m watching something that makes me uncomfortable but no one’s saying anything, so it must be okay. So if you can talk through those things with your kids, even when they’re little, they learn to process their emotions and oh, I’m not the only one who is upset by this, or I’m not the only one who’s excited by this and that’s gonna help so much as they get older and not being desensitized to what they’re experiencing and feeling.
0:23:41 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you know the live stream murder that happened. That made headline news. My daughter didn’t see it, thankfully, but we talked about it and she saw all the trending online about it and we talked about this is somebody’s grandpa, this is somebody’s dad, this is somebody’s you know, this is a family that is mourning and I actually would let her read the stories of the family members because it makes, makes it real. It is real. You know, so many times we say social media is not real and to an extent, you know, when we talk about comparison, it is just the good stuff normally that people post, but there it is real people.
Yes there is a soul behind that screen. There is a soul behind that screen and we’ve got to instill this in our kids. When they see something bad, when they see somebody being bullied online, they should be able to know okay, you know, a big red flag go up. This is not okay. That is somebody’s daughter or son and we need to stop this for our wrap-up segment today on this important show about social media.
0:24:44 – Speaker 1
We want you to remember the age your child gets. Social media on their own phone will look differently for everyone. It’s your family, your choice. Number two set clear restrictions and guidelines for social media. And Number three talk about issues that will arise with the use of social media.
0:25:01 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you’re gonna continue talk about these things and these are just, you know, a few Conversations that you can have. We just hit the tip of the iceberg. We’re gonna be covering cyber strangers on our next show, because it’s a very big topic that you need to cover with your kids Throughout their online life, even as little kids on on older, so we’re gonna cover that, and we have our upcoming pornography series, so that is also something we continually need to be talking about the conversations need to be on the go every day, as you’ll continue to hear us say.
0:25:33 – Speaker 1
Thanks so much for joining us today on nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim. Every Saturday at 10 am On am 6 30, the word nextTalk radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online Through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page