0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim Every Saturday at 10am on AM630, the word. Mandy is the author of talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:36 – Speaker 2
Today we’re talking about rejection. Oh, never a fun thing to experience yourself, or it hurts even more to walk your child through it because you’re looking at them crying, thinking I’ll just take this pain. People can reject me, but don’t recheck my baby.
0:00:51 – Speaker 3
Yes, I think more than anything. That’s when mama bear comes out and you like say what.
0:00:56 – Speaker 2
It’s really hard. Yes, you will love my child To control the feelings.
0:01:00 – Speaker 3
It’s really hard. The bottom line is that, no matter how much we want to shield our kids from all that pain, it’s going to happen. It just is. It’s a part of life. It’s a part of life. They’re going to feel it, you’re going to feel it. So here’s the question how are we going to prepare our kids not to crash and burn, but instead walk through rejection in such a way that it becomes a building block for their faith, their confidence in their character.
0:01:23 – Speaker 2
Yes, you know it comes in so many different ages and stages and forms. We have our nonprofit broken up in juniors, which is less than seven years old, and then we have the 7-13 group, and then we have which is tweens, and then we have the older group. So it looks a little different in each of those stages. I think we’re going to tackle that here today, but it also comes in different forms. I mean, we’re dealing with social media rejection now. So you’ve got that. There is team rejection. When you don’t make the team, there is not getting asked to the dance, there is a healthy friendship and somebody walks away from that. There’s rejection there. There’s boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, dating. I mean there’s all sorts of different types of rejection. Oh, my goodness. So much. Now we’re all feeling like overwhelmed.
0:02:13 – Speaker 3
Yes, you know, it’s funny for little ones yeah.
0:02:17 – Speaker 2
You’re the junior girl.
0:02:20 – Speaker 3
I say it’s great practice for what I call pre-rejection conversations Great.
0:02:24 – Speaker 2
That’s great.
0:02:25 – Speaker 3
You know. It’s not that they’re not going to get rejected as little ones, but it doesn’t hurt as deeply because little ones tend to play side by side for a long time. They’re okay with a lot of independence and a lot of times they naturally handle rejection better than as we get older and understand stereotypes and what that actually means. So these pre-rejection conversations I’ll give you an example Like my son, for the first time tried out for choir solo performances at our church, and this is really the first time, because up until then, all sports, everything, everybody is on the team.
0:02:57 – Speaker 2
Yes, Everybody makes the team when they’re three and four, trying to not get him to pick dandelions, just kick the ball Exactly. Let me get a picture, yeah.
0:03:04 – Speaker 3
Exactly.
0:03:05 – Speaker 2
But it elevates as they get older.
0:03:07 – Speaker 3
It does those solo tryout things. That’s a new thing. Yeah, and I had to explain it which was funny, because we always think like some things are. Oh, you know what that means. He’s like. What do you mean? I have to try out. What does that you mean? Somebody’s not going to get the part, yeah.
And so somebody’s going to go home crying yeah. So before we even got to the tryouts, we had all these pre-rejection conversations. What do you think it would feel like to get a part? What if you didn’t get a part? What do you think that would feel like? Yeah, okay, we talked those through. How are you going to handle the news? Because they were going to get the news in a group. That’s a lot of pressure.
0:03:41 – Speaker 2
Well, because if you got the part, you don’t want to start bragging.
0:03:44 – Speaker 3
Yes.
0:03:45 – Speaker 2
And you got to prep your kid for the other feelings involved in the room. I mean that’s a lot.
0:03:50 – Speaker 3
Yes, and then how are you going to tell others which, like that’s a great opportunity to talk to your kids about being gracious and humble?
0:03:56 – Speaker 2
Humble. I was going to say humility. Yes.
0:03:58 – Speaker 3
He’s a big thing. It really is. And then we also talk about what the Bible says about rejection. You know, Isaiah 53-3 is a good one for that. Jesus was rejected.
0:04:07 – Speaker 2
Yeah.
0:04:08 – Speaker 3
You know, he in his own town, by his own people.
0:04:11 – Speaker 2
I was going to say by his closest to friends. Yeah, by his closest to friends.
0:04:14 – Speaker 3
He was rejected. Yes, and the conversations are great when you know your kids are walking into something specific which is more applicable to the little ones. Yeah, you’re going to know most of the time. When it comes to like sports and getting the part in the play or choir, you’ll see it coming so you can talk those things through and it helps them balance it a little bit better.
0:04:32 – Speaker 2
Yeah, so yeah, and I guess that’s great for the younger kids because you can really talk through those things and it just sets up a healthy dialogue. Yes, so that when they get older and they’re facing rejections, they’re going to think about that conversation, they’re going to get all these feelings down you to process with mom or dad and kind of work through those. You know, in middle school, as they get older, it’s you got to try out for everything, and so that’s a thing. I will tell you one tip that I give to parents all the time when your kid is trying out for something, maybe not put that on social media until they’ve, like, got it. Yeah.
Because, I’ve seen it happen over and over again. They’ll say you know, pray for so and so today, and maybe with your closest friends, you could absolutely. That’s a text.
0:05:17 – Speaker 3
Yeah.
0:05:18 – Speaker 2
But then what happens is they didn’t get a part.
And then people are commenting well, how to go, how to go, and you kind of feel like you could just not Respond, which I think would be the best thing, but you kind of feel obligated to say she didn’t get it or he didn’t get it. And then it’s like another, like let’s just put it out there to the world now that I didn’t get that team. You know that, everybody knows now, and so it’s just kind of just respect your kids. I mean, like if you were trying out for something you know, say you wanted to be in a commercial when you put it on, when you put it on there, because if you didn’t get the part, then you’re gonna have to celebrate. You didn’t get the part, and maybe you’re okay with that, and maybe your kid is okay with that, and you’ve talked it through and you’re gonna tell your kid whether we, I mean, have that conversation, if that’s your choice. But I think that it’s just. It heightens it a little bit when we put it on social media.
0:06:03 – Speaker 3
Well, and just like we say with everything and you’ve made the point here is, it’s an ongoing conversation.
0:06:07 – Speaker 2
It’s an ongoing.
0:06:08 – Speaker 3
You need to talk to your kids about what they’re comfortable with. Yeah, I mean, we’ve all had that. Grandma, that is like. I’m so sorry you didn’t get that part in front of Walmart and 20 other people. You know and maybe that’s a sensitive thing.
0:06:21 – Speaker 2
If you have a shy kid, it could be a comfortable it could be a sensitive kid and those are all conversations and, again, your family, your choice, how you handle this. We just want to kind of give you tips and ideas on how to help your kid navigate it. You know, with the teenagers, with the middle school aspect, you got. You got a factor in social media, yes, and so you know snapchat has a it’s not really a new feature anymore, but it’s a relatively new feature the snap map, and so my daughter has hers in ghost mode. I don’t really like it on, but if you have an on, you can see where everybody is all the time. Yeah, so you know. If you see six of your friends at one address, you know they’re having a party and you’re not invited, and so it’s a constant. We need a constant. Let me be talking to our kids about how it makes them feel well, it’s not a one and done.
0:07:07 – Speaker 3
We’ve talked about that with social media, so they don’t make the team. That’s the first line of rejection. Yeah, but then it’s ongoing.
0:07:15 – Speaker 2
It’s ongoing. I mean they can scroll through social media and they know right away what they did or didn’t get invited to, even without snapchat or the snap map. Think about Instagram. You know, they just scroll through it and people are constantly posting pictures of parties. They know when they’re not invited.
We didn’t have to deal with that, right. We didn’t have to deal with the constant I’m not included, I’m not included, I’m not included feeling and you can see over time, if you’re not taught to process that and Process how to feel that, that it could really affect you and even like lead to suicidal thoughts or I mean because you think you’re not worthy, then you know, you start believing that lie and so what we really want to do is open up the dialogue early and I love what Kim is doing and in the tweeners, you’re just gonna take that a little bit farther. I mean, it’s gonna be a continual conversation. When your kid is on social media and maybe you see them getting down, yeah, you’re like, why are you upset, you know, and see if they open up to you and kind of go, you know. You can also say, you know, I, I saw some of my friends on Facebook the other night I didn’t get invited and kind of stung.
You know, sometimes I will share that just to see if it will open up some conversation with my kid. Now when they start talking I kind of shut up and don’t share my experiences as much because I want to hear theirs, yeah. But if they’re having a hard time opening up, maybe you can start it and say I’m having trouble. I kind of feel redirected by my fin group because I saw on social media and just see if it opens up any dialogue with your tween if you’re not already talking about it.
0:08:41 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and you know, what’s really important about that is when they open up, whether it’s right away or after you’ve presented a story about yourself, it’s time to listen. Yeah, you got to shut it down, guys, because it’s so easy for us to say, well, this is what happened to me when I did this and when I was a yes.
0:08:57 – Speaker 2
How?
0:08:57 – Speaker 3
I handled it, or it’s easy to go into that mama bear mode where you’re like well then you know and you want to protect them and you want to side with them. Yeah, again, we just need to listen sometimes.
0:09:09 – Speaker 2
I I’m so glad you said that and you know I if you’ve read my book, you know I’m not a good listener. This is something that I really have to work on. It’s not just your bad, it’s not like in my DNA to be a good listener, and so it’s something I really have to work out like I have to recognize it and I’ll never forget I was walking my middle school through some school or through something one time and she told me how she was feeling and everything, and I launched into something in my life that was happening, that was similar, and she shut down. And I didn’t quite understand why she shut down because I thought, oh, she’s gonna realize I struggle with this too. And I Called my mentor and I told her what happened and she said he made it about you, like it out, you know, and in the tween and teen world, everything is bigger than what it is, yes, and so they just need to be heard, they just need to be understood.
I love what one of our high school lead leaders said about this. She said it just needs to be theirs. Yeah, like, just let them like, have it, like, cry with them, feel their pain, walk them through that. There may be time a couple weeks later that you can go back and share stories and talk with through them.
But I think that’s such good advice for us that sometimes we just need to zip it and feel their pain, crawl in bed and cry with them. Don’t try to fix it.
0:10:36 – Speaker 3
Yes, I think a lot of times you’ll know, and the more that you have this open communication, dialogue with your kids and you see their patterns, there’s gonna be a point when they’re ready for the resolution and it’s a good time to share your stories. Well, here’s how I handle it, or I remember feeling that way Right off the bat, like you said, can really shut it down.
0:10:52 – Speaker 2
Or, like I said, if they’re not talking to you at all, then use an example of you and social media to get it going and see if that will help them. It may not, but it’s something you could try.
0:11:02 – Speaker 3
Here’s something that I think is really hard for us as parents. It falls under that mama bear category. We wanna protect them from everything. We don’t wanna let them fall. We want to cushion them, bubble wrap them, make everything okay.
0:11:16 – Speaker 2
It’s hard not to do and I think it’s one of the biggest mistakes that we make as parents that I make as a parent, I agree. I coddle my kid too much. I make them. I just make it too comfortable for them. They need to fall, they need to experience pain, they need to experience rejection. They need to know what it feels like and this is part of life that they will develop empathy for other people because they have walked through it. But they can’t develop the empathy if we don’t let them walk through it.
0:11:46 – Speaker 3
Yeah, if you don’t know what it feels like, how can you relate?
0:11:50 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and this one’s hard. I mean it hurts a mama’s heart. And even my husband, I mean he struggles with this. He’s strong and tough but he sees one of his kids crying. Yes, it bothers him Absolutely and sometimes he’ll wanna jump in and fix it because he’s daddy and he’s protector, but he does a really good job. Then we come together and talk about the life lessons they’re learning in this right now, absolutely, and we will say this stinks. This is awful, it stings, but this is a great life lesson and it’s gonna develop character.
0:12:23 – Speaker 3
You know what we always say here is your family, your choice. But in our families, what’s important to us and one of the ways that we bring in not only our own experiences and when we’re walking our kids through these things, is going back to the Bible. Yeah, and in this situation, like we mentioned before, jesus was rejected in his own town. He’s a savior of the world my goodness gracious. If there’s any example you can give, then can let your child know that you will be rejected, no matter who you are. This is it.
0:12:50 – Speaker 2
I mean he was killed by his own people. I mean everybody turned on him, right. So that is a great example and I think using, I will tell you, I think using scripture in Jesus’s example is so effective when they’re young Because it really sticks, and not to say that it can’t when they’re older, but grounding them in that when they’re young is so good. So the scriptures one of the conversations that we have a lot in the tween years is looking for approval. Who do we seek approval from? Because that ties into the whole rejection thing, because when you’re rejected to your friends, by your friends or by a boyfriend, girlfriend, all of that will tie in. Or you’re not invited to the party that you see on social media, and so there’s a couple of great verses that we use for that I love.
I know some people don’t like the message version and there are some verses that I don’t like in the message version, but I looked at this one and I like this one. So it’s Luke 626, the message. There’s trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests. Your task is to be true, not popular, mmm. So good.
So that’s a good one that my, my tween and I have studied together, because I think it’s so important that they understand we seek God’s approval. And I will say to my kid the cost of popularity is so high because you have to do whatever is current at the moment to maintain that status, and it changes all the time. So then you have to change all the time. And then we talk about the Bible verses that say being tossed back and forth and by the wind. You don’t need to be like that, you need to be grounded. What do you believe? Who do you believe in? Like these are the things that will keep you rock solid. And so those kinds of conversations are so good to have during this 7 to 12 year frame, because their minds can get it and they’re processing it and they grab onto it as truth, you know if you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk radio at 10 am on AM 6 30.
0:14:57 – Speaker 3
The word nextTalk radio is listener supported. Everything we do here at our nonprofit is to keep kids safe online and it’s accomplished through your donations to support our organization. Go to nextTalk org and click on give. I think it’s important that we give a few points on the teen and beyond, like college years, high school and college, because it does change well, because then you’re talking about not getting into the college.
0:15:21 – Speaker 2
You want, yeah, and you’ve got friends around you getting full ride scholarships, you know doing whatever, and you’re you’re not even getting accepted well and also relationships are very serious.
0:15:32 – Speaker 3
Dating high school and college, I mean, there’s marriage on the horizon. Yeah, it’s a lot, it’s important. We talked with our high school team, yes, and they gave us some great tips. One of them is to take rejection seriously take it seriously. So easily dismissed by us because we’re beyond it, we’re in a different city. We’re beyond it, we’re in a different stage.
0:15:49 – Speaker 2
Yeah, well and really this applies to all ages, kim, because how many times does your kid come to you and say I’m upset because I didn’t have? You know, I’m thinking of it when my kids were young, I didn’t have anybody to be in a group in in science today, everybody got picked and I didn’t yeah. Or I was going out at recess and everybody got picked for basketball, football and I didn’t yes. And so having those ongoing conversations because if our kid comes to us and says this really hurt my feelings and we’re like, oh, get over it, it’s fine which I know they do need to get over it but just us being so dismissive like that, we need to like validate that, like I understand how you would feel left out, yes, and so take it seriously at all ages, at all ages, but at high school it’s more elevated it is more elevated, bigger issues, more long term implications, and then you really have to take it a step further.
0:16:37 – Speaker 3
If you notice it is ongoing and then it’s serious. It’s a pattern. Yeah, in their life they constantly are feeling rejected from all sides.
0:16:44 – Speaker 2
That’s a time when counseling might be good yeah, I think as the high school level for sure, because again you’ve got the suicide rates skyrocketing and they’re about to be out of your house and if they’re not talking to you about how they feel about the rejection, you know they’re just keeping it all inside and you see it over and over that they’re feeling like rejected by everyone and alone, and that’s a big red flag. We need to get them to counseling you know, fight for your kids.
0:17:07 – Speaker 3
Absolutely believe them and we mentioned this earlier, but I’m gonna say it again because it’s so good don’t compare your kids to anyone or anything. It’s their experience, it’s not yours. It’s not their other parents, it’s not their siblings. That’s a big one. Siblings, it’s not their friends, it is theirs you know.
0:17:23 – Speaker 2
I think that’s so valid. I think this is a good point from our high school and college leaders, because so many times we’ll say, well, so and so didn’t make the team either. So you’re not the only one that didn’t make the team. Well, that doesn’t matter, because everything is about your kid right now and in their minds they’re in their bubble. We’ve seen this, you know.
When we did the puberty and body changes show, we talked about this how everything is focused on them, and so not that we have to baby them for three weeks it’s not what we’re saying but validate their feelings for a day or two. You know, let them, let them sulk, let them have a little pity party. Now we don’t want them to get stuck there. We have to move them out of it and learn the lesson. But allow them to have a minute. Yes, we don’t, we all need a minute. My husband I just had this conversation the other day because he was having a bad weekend and he was like do I not just get a minute? I’m juggling so much, I just need a minute. And then I looked at him and was like when do I get my minute to have a break up?
0:18:22 – Speaker 3
we need a minute at the same time.
0:18:24 – Speaker 2
When do I get to take a three or not? Because I need a minute. Yeah, we’ve all been there and our kids need a minute. Yes, they need a minute to process. Okay, I was rejected and we’re gonna have that pull yourself up by your bootstraps conversation, but it doesn’t need to happen the day they get rejected. It shouldn’t be out of the gate.
0:18:41 – Speaker 3
Yeah, exactly that’s so good be their cheerleader, validate them when they do display wisdom. I think that’s really important, because you spend all this time pouring into them, laying the foundation, having the conversations, all of these things. When you see them walk through something, it’s beautiful yeah it’s beautiful to see them on the other side of that and making those good decisions on their own, stepping into the light on their own. It’s a really neat transition and we need to really encourage and validate that.
0:19:08 – Speaker 2
And if you have a kid that seems to feel like they’re always getting rejected, you know I would encourage you well, even if they’re not find things that your kids are good at, and compliment them. You know, if they do a great thing on a project or if they write a great essay at school and you’re just like moved by it. Share that with them so many times as parents, our kids do all these amazing things and we don’t tell them how amazing we think it is. That’s so true, why we think it’s amazing.
0:19:33 – Speaker 3
And the other side of that. I got some great advice one time from a coach who said don’t always compliment the things they’re doing that’s great and important to you. But, also the effort and the character and the perseverance, the perseverance like or just talking about, like I tell my little one all the time. He’s five and he just plays like a fireball out there. And I tell him all the time I love watching you on the court. It’s such a joy because you work so hard, you’re committed to your team and you’re great teammates.
Not the win none of that. Just these are some characteristics that are awesome to watch.
0:20:07 – Speaker 2
That is so important and that goes back to the. We seek approval from God from within. We’re doing the right thing because it’s the right thing. We’re not doing it for applause or to get posted on social media. We’re not doing it for all of that. We’re doing it because it’s the right thing. My boy and I we play basketball almost every day after school. It’s either basketball or football. I mean, I have bruises sometimes on my legs from falling and tripping and getting kicked and whatever, but the other day he was he’s normally a great player, I mean he’s great but he was struggling, like he was having an off day and we were playing basketball and I was beating him, which really happens and I could see him getting very frustrated. I could see, and there was one basket that he kept trying to make, kept trying to make and he just would not, which is a standard layup. I mean he’s constantly done it.
I mean he was but I pulled him aside afterwards and I said Bubba, I’m just so proud of you. I knew you were getting mad and you probably wanted to quit because I was winning and you didn’t want to get beat by your mama. I have this song that I sing to him where I say beat by your mama, beat by your mama, don’t quit your day job. I should not quit my day job. I’m not a rapper, okay. But I said I’m so proud of you because you didn’t quit, even though you were losing. And you know, because he has before like I’ve been winning and he’ll just walk off and be like I’m done.
0:21:25 – Speaker 3
Yes.
0:21:26 – Speaker 2
And I’m like well, we need to work on that.
0:21:27 – Speaker 3
It’s pretty typical with the younger ones, because they don’t know how to deal with that they’re frustrated.
0:21:31 – Speaker 2
Yes, and so we’ve really been working on just keep persevering. It doesn’t matter if you’re winning or losing, like you’re getting better, you’re learning something, you’re learning a better technique or whatever. But I think that’s such a good point with the whole dealing with rejection, the approval of others. All of that is really good. I’m glad you brought that up.
0:21:47 – Speaker 3
Well, you know, and then here we come, along with this other big, painful, hard part of rejection. There’s, you know, the sports, the clubs, the all that kind of stuff. But what about when it’s your own friends? That’s tough. I mean frenemies. We did a whole show on that Because it is a real thing.
0:22:01 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you can go check that out and we also did, you know, walking your kid through conflict resolution and that’s a biblical model. I think that’s on our frenemy show. It was really it’s biblical model, right out of Matthew, but encouraging them to face it, not to run from their problems, you know, not to act like the rejection didn’t happen, because it did and we need to process it. It’s we want to raise a generation who won’t sweep things under the rug anymore, like we need to talk about these things, like how did this make you feel? And take your feelings out of it now. And you will get to a place I will tell you, with my older teen, with my older kid, who’s a teen, you will get to a place where you’re able to talk to them more about God’s plan. Like this door shut and so God may be doing something else, or God may be protecting you from something.
Yeah, and that doesn’t happen right away either. You can’t just go. You need to feel their pain first. Like I said, give them a minute, but there will be those conversations and even as young kids, you can implant that like God has a plan for you. That Jeremiah Versus great, I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. If you talk to them about that early and you can say it’s 6 and 7, there are times when you’re gonna get rejected and it’s gonna hurt, but God, god may be moving you away from something. Yeah, like he wants you to go into something else. So they see a bigger picture. Not just I got rejected from this one thing.
0:23:25 – Speaker 3
Our pastor pastor Ed Newton. Yes said giving up something good for something better.
0:23:30 – Speaker 2
Yeah.
0:23:30 – Speaker 3
I’ve loved that. Yeah, it’s so good and we talked a lot about it in our household. You know, just making space for that and accepting that sometimes we think this is great, but God’s like, just wait a minute. I’ve got something so much better for you over here and it’s a easy place to get stuck and frustrated in. So you’re right starting that conversation early and then, when they get to that age, when it’s a friendship and you feel like you’re being crushed- or almost a marriage that ended like you think you’re gonna get proposed to and you get dumped Girl like that happens.
0:23:59 – Speaker 2
That happened to me. But yes, sister.
0:24:02 – Speaker 3
I didn’t think, oh well, yes, I did. But yeah, I was in a very long relationship all through high school and in the beginning of college and you know we both thought this was it Okay.
0:24:12 – Speaker 2
I’m thinking of Garth Brooks unanswered prayer song right now, because I look at you and Charles and I’m like you could not be with anyone else.
0:24:19 – Speaker 3
I’m telling you I can’t, I. I thank God all the time. In fact, this morning I texted my husband. I said how did? How is it that I get to be your wife? Because I feel that that’s a little sappy.
I’m so sad about him because I think about my life and the guys that I dated, yeah, experiences that I had, and the man I thought I was gonna marry who’s a great guy, let me just say that. But I think about that and I think I could have given up something great yeah, settled. God had something better if I hadn’t been able to get out of that rejection mode.
0:24:46 – Speaker 2
But you had to walk through that rejection, had to to get to where he needed you to go.
0:24:50 – Speaker 3
It’s painful and we get to walk our kids. We get to walk our kids through that what a privilege.
0:24:54 – Speaker 2
It is a privilege that they feel safe enough with us.
0:24:57 – Speaker 3
All right for our wrap-up segment today, let’s remember a few things. Rejection will happen. Prepare yourself and your kids and don’t dismiss their feelings. When the time comes, share your own story, open the Bible and remember we can’t take their feelings lightly. Don’t let them go into that downward spiral and that can ensue when these feelings are left to simmer. Satan speaks into the darkness. We have to continually help our kids walk into the light and help your child walk through personal rejection and recognize what healthy relationships look like. It’s an ongoing conversation.
0:25:33 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am On AM 6 30 the word. You are not alone Trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk. Or are you ready for the next time?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
