0:00:00 – Speaker 1
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0:00:35 – Speaker 2
Today we’re talking about the difference between raising girls and raising boys. This is Mandy. I’m excited to have my husband in the station with me today. His name is Matt.
Hello he’s been here before. Kim and Charles did a show on this as well, and we’re doing a show. We each have boys and girls. Their kids are a little younger than ours and they’re reversed their oldest is a boy and going into third grade, I think, and our oldest is a girl going into high school. We have a son going into fifth grade. We wanted to bring different perspectives on what we’re seeing in our homes and some things that we have noticed in our own families.
0:01:14 – Speaker 3
Did I tell you that I’m trying to convince our daughter to redo eighth grade? Because you don’t want her going to high school Because I do not want her. You don’t want her hanging out with the senior boys. No, absolutely not.
0:01:26 – Speaker 2
0:01:27 – Speaker 3
I’m terrified she didn’t buy it.
0:01:31 – Speaker 2
I’m helping you through it. We’ll get there, dad, we were joking last night, right before we knew we had to air this today, and Matt was channel surfing between Life PD and a car show.
0:01:47 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it was the life Barrett Jackson auto auctions.
0:01:50 – Speaker 2
Yeah, whatever, we were joking because I said if I had control of the remote right now, I would be channel surfing between HGTV and the Hallmark Channel.
0:01:59 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and I was thinking, if I didn’t have to pay for two college degrees, there was a Corvette I was going to buy.
0:02:07 – Speaker 2
Go see our Midlife Crisis show for that one.
We talked all about that in the Midlife Crisis series. You know, let’s start out with our daughter. She’s the oldest, she’s going into high school, and there are some distinct things that we’ve done differently with her than we, you know, just taking into account her gender, there are some things that we’ve done differently, and you know we talk about this. We’re just going to some of the things that I’m seeing is, you know, on the cyber parenting side of this is the social media aspect, with the girls and the boys are kind of more into gaming, and I know that’s a generalization there. And I do want to say to you know, we’re talking girls versus boys, but a lot of it, too, can be personality differences, you know. You know, just because I mean, I know there are boys that love social media as well. In our family, though, this is kind of how it’s playing out. So this is kind of what I’m sharing with you.
0:03:00 – Speaker 3
The gaming the boys and the gaming versus the, versus our daughter.
0:03:05 – Speaker 2
And social media, yeah, the age to I mean our daughter does game with our son and she likes it. She, I don’t think she would game if he wasn’t into it, you know. But she is into the social media and the likes and you know the self esteem and the status I mean. That’s all really important to girls, especially high school girls. So let’s talk about things that we’ve done a little bit differently. Okay, and because the obvious is you know, the getting her ready for her body changes and all of that, and we’re not really going to go into that as much on this show because I think those are pretty apparent.
0:03:38 – Speaker 3
Good Cause, if we were, I was going to get up and leave You’re done right.
0:03:41 – Speaker 2
You’re done with the body changes. We have a show on that it’s actually called attitude and body changes where we kind of talk about how to handle those initial conversations, menstrual cycle. We also have a don’t freak out that I’m saying this, honey a masturbation show that you can check out, because again, that ties into body changes and wet dreams and all of that sort of thing. And my husband is looking at me like now. This is not supposed to be on the show.
0:04:05 – Speaker 3
Can we just move on?
0:04:06 – Speaker 2
So all of those body changes will leave to those shows. But okay, what have we done differently with our girl? One thing that I have adored that we have done with her is the daddy daughter dates that we’ve done. And you know, with me I grew up with a single mom, without a dad, and so it almost brings me to tears every time I see you guys pulling out of the driveway, you know, but it’s something that we’ve started really early. I don’t know how young she was when we first started him.
0:04:35 – Speaker 3
I think you make a bigger deal out of it than we do. We just hang out.
0:04:39 – Speaker 2
See, this is why I love you, because in your mind you’re not doing anything special.
0:04:43 – Speaker 3
Well, no, I want to be around her and hear what’s going on.
0:04:46 – Speaker 2
I’m just hanging out In my mind like you’re investing in our daughter more than you realize.
0:04:50 – Speaker 3
That’s a little dramatic.
0:04:51 – Speaker 2
No, it’s true, Dad’s out there. If you are having daddy order dates, you are doing something amazing, and I know that you are humble like that, but that’s why I love you. You’re like, yeah, this is what we do.
0:05:03 – Speaker 3
I thought it was because I have an amazing body. That too, oh, okay, that too, all right.
0:05:10 – Speaker 2
Um, but you know, recently I mean she’s getting ready to go into high school and recently you texted me on a Friday night I’ll never forget, it was just a couple of weeks ago and you said, hey, our daughter wants us me to take her out on a date tonight. She texted me at work Is this okay? And I okay.
0:05:26 – Speaker 3
The part of it is she just want to go to the fondue joint. That’s part of it, and I’m okay with that If I was, as long as I get to tag along she loves your company.
0:05:35 – Speaker 2
She could have asked me to take her to the fondue joint and I would have taken her. We would have had a shop day and we would have gone. But she texted you at work and said, dad, I want to do this with you. And so she enjoys your company, she enjoys your conversation, and I think that’s because you do just hang out, you don’t go with an agenda, you just want to be with her.
0:05:54 – Speaker 3
0:05:55 – Speaker 2
Get to know her, know what’s happening in her world, and I think that’s really important. Um, another thing we do with our girl talk about attitude. So this is a distinct change that we’ve seen. Um, you know girls and their hormones. I feel like girls. Often it comes out with attitude and I roll and sass a little bit more with our boy. We’ve seen more anger. We’re going to get to that section too and talk about the anger and how we’ve seen that kind of play out. But, um, you know, we’ve had to really talk about how to process those feelings that she has and that’s been kind of difficult and I know that I have to be more careful than you do.
She, she listens to you a little bit more. I think I definitely agree, um, with that. Yeah, she listens to you a little bit more. With the whole attitude thing, like if I say it, I think sometimes she thinks, oh, mel, I mean mom’s being sensitive, like I feel I get that vibe from her. But when you say it, she like does a double take, like, oh, I better check myself, and maybe it’s because I’m with her more and I’m I’m seeing it more and so I’m correcting it more. But when you speak up about attitude. She I’ve noticed, yeah, she listens Interesting, but this is hard to process. And also, I think again, this is about being the model in your, in your marriage.
0:07:13 – Speaker 3
Well, for for me and I think most men are this way as well Um, when it comes to this attitude and sass and emotion, we just don’t want any part of it. It’s just, you know, yes is yes and no is no. There’s no gray, it just don’t give me any of this, anything, you know. So I, it’s just yes or no, that’s it, and I think there may be a part of that that she kind of respects, yeah, whereas on with your side, I think, for when it’s you and her, I think there’s a given and take, there’s a uh, every conversation is a bit of a tug of war, and so it the yes might be no or the no might be yes. It’s kind of there’s a little bit of a blur, I think. Yeah.
0:07:59 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think to being able to tell her. You know, I want to scream right now at you too, and I want to I roll right now at you too, but I’m going to process those feelings logically and not respond with the emotion because I know it’s not going to help the situation.
0:08:12 – Speaker 3
I think that’s a point I don’t come with emotion.
0:08:15 – Speaker 2
Yeah, but I have, I do have a motion you do sometimes. But talking to her about how I’m processing it and telling her I want to do everything you’re doing right now. I want to yell and I want to.
0:08:24 – Speaker 3
You know, I roll or whatever, because sometimes you do.
0:08:26 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and I want to have the tone. Yeah, when you say, oh, there’s little Mandy, oh, I’ve heard that before yeah. You’ve heard that’s not maybe the best thing to say.
0:08:34 – Speaker 3
I thought you were out of the room when I said it. Yeah.
0:08:38 – Speaker 2
Does it matter, Um, but anyway. But being able to like process those feelings with her, I think that’s helped her a little bit. You know just say okay, mom is feeling this way too, and she’s taking it down it it once again.
0:08:52 – Speaker 3
it’s this transparency that we really try to live throughout our marriage, as you know, not to be overly transparent, but just to demonstrate that we’re not perfect. Yeah, On a regular basis.
0:09:02 – Speaker 2
Absolutely. Um, and one thing that I always say to her she’ll know when she’s getting sassy, because I’ll say, sister, sister, like, would you talk to a teacher like that, would you like? Let’s pause for a minute.
0:09:14 – Speaker 3
But otherwise she’s perfect.
0:09:15 – Speaker 2
I really think she well, okay, yeah Well, she’s perfect. Um, another thing we teach her about modesty. I want to really talk about this point. You know modesty is I know it’s old fashion and I know some people hate that word, but it’s, it’s a biblical thing.
Um, first Timothy, two, nine and 10 says women should be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to this to themselves. Um, and I love how it ends here. It says for women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do. You know, um, and then I love, uh, first Peter, three, three and four.
It’s talking about don’t being concerned with the outward beauty. Um, but it says you should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. Now I want to make a disclaimer here. Our daughter is in high school, so makeup matters to her and clothes matter to her and we let her have all those things, but they are not her God, and we talk about that a lot. Like we say it’s okay to look nice, it’s okay to feel confident in what you’re wearing, but your whole day should not be determined by your outfit, you know, or whatever it should be about. How can I help this person, how can I make a difference in the world? You know those things that come from within.
0:10:37 – Speaker 3
Absolutely yeah, Balance right.
0:10:39 – Speaker 2
Absolutely. Um, but one thing we teach her about honesty and we’ll talk about this with our boy as well is that, um you know, even if a girl is dressed in modest, it doesn’t give a boy a pass.
Oh yeah, that’s a real problem right now, I think this is a big deal for us because you know, yes, your responsibility, our daughter is to dress modestly. But if there’s somebody over here dressed inappropriately and a boy violates her or touches her inappropriately or, you know, takes a picture of her, and you know, whatever it doesn’t give that boy a pass just because she’s dressed in inappropriately.
0:11:16 – Speaker 3
0:11:17 – Speaker 2
And that is something that we’re instilling in her Like this is your duty, but it doesn’t give a boy a pass, even if you’re wrong.
0:11:23 – Speaker 3
Yeah, absolutely yeah. And the boys, you know, we, even though our son is a little little younger, um, I want him to find girls attractive and eventually pursue, and I identify who he’ll marry and marry that woman, um, but I want him to enjoy the hunt, right, but he has to do it first and foremost with respect.
0:11:50 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and we’ll get to that. I want to talk more about that because I think that’s a really good point. When we talk about the boys, I want to get there. The other thing we do with our daughter is teach her to say no. Teacher to say no in a nice way.
And parents let me just caution you here. I say this because our kids are growing up in a culture where Everybody is told to be kind, which is a great message, and then everybody needs to be kind. But sometimes our kids take that to heart and they think I can’t say no to boys, I can’t say no to this person because it’s gonna hurt their feelings. And so we really role play with them a lot about how you can say no, thank you. Like I will tell my daughter, you know, if a boy asked you to it on a date or a dance or whatever set by me at the football game, whatever, that took a lot of courage for that boy. So first of all, I think you need to acknowledge that. So you need to be very nice. But if you are not comfortable or you don’t like this person, you don’t want to leave this person on like role playing with them on how to respond to those sorts of questions.
0:12:46 – Speaker 3
Yeah, this is particularly difficult for me because I completely agree, but the overprotective father me wants, wants to suggest that you know she just shutting down, but you’re right and that that’s completely, completely true. I mean, once again, there’s a yes, there’s a no, there’s a right, there’s a wrong. I, we, this is what we teach. There are, there are truths, and Our truth is found in the Bible. Other people might have different truths, but we teach our, our kids that our truth is found in the Bible. There are rights, there are wrongs. There Yeses and there are no’s. The gray areas Are very, very little, very far in few between but there are.
0:13:29 – Speaker 2
There are gray areas and you have to parent them.
0:13:31 – Speaker 3
You have to parent, you can’t shy away from them.
0:13:33 – Speaker 2
And the other thing is we talked to her about when she dates future spouse, what, what, what qualities to look for. I know, with her and I, when we’re watching chick flicks on hallmark channel, you know, and there’s a little romance going, I’ll be like, oh, that’s such a great quality to look forward to spouse. Or I’ll say, oh, this reminds me of daddy.
0:13:51 – Speaker 3
What’s that new dumb one that you guys are all?
0:13:53 – Speaker 2
know, let’s not even go until we can’t even we get sued if I say something bad about.
No, it’s a great series. We’re not even gonna do it, um and then and then. The other thing is you know, dads, they’re gonna watch how you treat your wife, right, right, absolutely. You know, they’re gonna see how, I mean, she watches how you treat me and she’s gonna pick guys Off of how you’re treating me behind closed doors. Yeah, and, and they see it. And we talk about self-esteem and social status and popularity a lot because of the social media thing. Luke 626, your task is, to be true, not popular, um and again, this is the balance of you can want to have a good social media profile, you can want to have the cute clothes, but it has to be the balance. You know you’re, who you are is about god, not about how many likes you get. But it is a constant conversation with a teen girl and the other thing is we don’t treat her differently because she’s a girl.
No like we teach her to be a leader. The sky is your limit.
You can do everything equal is equal equal is equal, but we do talk, just like with our boy. We talk with her about there are choices you have to make in life and if you commit to this one thing, you know that may mean you can’t do this thing and, having figuring that out, there’s so many, only so much time in a day. If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk radio at 2 pm On am 6 30. The word nextTalk radio radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nextTalk org and click on give.
Okay, we talked about kind of what we’re doing with our daughter differently. On the first half I’ve got my husband, matt, in the studio with me today. Let’s talk about our son. He’s 11 and I joke. I have a friend who jokes with me and he says, or she says, your book, your son, is like a whole new book and, it’s true, like he’s very different from our daughter and I don’t know if it’s because he’s a boy or maybe it’s just his personality it could be a lot of that too, but he’s very different. He’s outgoing, very social, loves to talk. I mean he writes.
Yeah, he’s he’s got so much more energy than our daughter.
0:16:03 – Speaker 3
Yes, I mean jumping.
0:16:04 – Speaker 2
Remember when he used to climb out of his crib before he could even walk. He was climbing out of his crib and we were like we are in trouble.
0:16:10 – Speaker 3
He’s the little monkey.
0:16:11 – Speaker 2
Yeah, he definitely was. Um, and you know, what I’m learning is there’s so many different layers to him and I have Thought to myself oh, he’s just the typical sports, rowdy, energetic boy, which is true, he is that typical person, but there’s lots of layers and feelings that I’m uncovering that I don’t want to miss as a parent.
0:16:31 – Speaker 3
Yeah, he’s like a. He’s like a peanut M&M, right, the outer shell Is, um, red, green, blue, whatever, and that’s what you see, but then there’s the chocolate and then, deeper down, there’s the peanut. Yeah, you know, there’s, there are multiple layers, um, and he, like my daughter, I, I just adore both of them. I think he’s about perfect too, just like my daughter, but it is interesting how different he is yeah.
0:17:00 – Speaker 2
So I want to talk about things we’ve done differently with him and things we’ve Distinctly not done because he’s a boy, because I think you know again, we can talk about body changes, but we have two different shows on that, and I want to kind of talk about what we’re seeing in our house. One of the things that you and I are really kind of made a conscious decision not to do is one thing we don’t do is say toughen up, because you’re a man like tough.
0:17:23 – Speaker 3
We don’t, we don’t use his gender as a reason to toughen up. Yeah, now, now we have said toughen up to him, oh yeah, oh absolutely. We said toughen up to our daughter Absolutely.
0:17:32 – Speaker 2
But not toughen up because you’re a man.
0:17:34 – Speaker 3
0:17:35 – Speaker 2
Like we don’t want to put it in his mind that because he’s a boy, he’s not allowed to feel or he’s not allowed to have emotions or he’s not allowed to have an opinion. That’s not what we want to raise.
0:17:45 – Speaker 3
Right, cause the last thing I want is for him to shut down, right, completely shut down, and then I have no idea what’s going on in his mind.
0:17:53 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think through this process I you know I’ve never said that to him toughen up because you’re a boy, but I think I thought it.
0:17:59 – Speaker 3
Oh, I totally, I have totally thought it. I think it’s a, it’s a bias that many people have.
0:18:03 – Speaker 2
I feel like we were. We were raised that way, right, and so I don’t know if it’s just that generational thing trying to overcome, but I think that for a while I parented him like that, even though I wasn’t saying it, and this has been a journey for me, especially in the last couple of years. Um, you know he loves to talk at night. That that’s when he loves it. He’ll tell me everything that happened at school, right when he jumps in the car.
And then there’s this time between when he gets home and bedtime that there’s not a lot of talking going on with him. You know it’s more about video games and you know we’re doing dinner, like all of that’s happening, and then we had we he normally has some sort of sports practice, right, so we have a lot going on, but then he likes to talk at night, and that is where I have uncovered these layers, and what I mean by that is he’ll say, mom, this, I’m worried about how this person thinks of me, or what if they make fun of me because of this? Or what if I don’t do this? Or what if I miss the basket and it’s the buzzer goes off and I can’t win it for him.
You know, like things like that that he he’s pondering about yeah, I, I will.
0:19:09 – Speaker 3
I would bet that nearly a hundred percent of kids this age, boy or girl, have these thoughts. The question is are you hearing them? Yeah, all right, they’re not hearing the thoughts. Are you here? Are they vocalizing them to you as a parent?
0:19:23 – Speaker 2
And I I feel like I was missing them as his mother for a long time, and now I’m in tune and I’m more receptive and I just I love what I’m learning about.
0:19:33 – Speaker 3
Because you nice, because you play video games with him.
0:19:35 – Speaker 2
Well, I do. That is another adjustment that I’ve had to make as a mom. I’ve had to learn how to play football. I’ve had to get better at basketball, because that is how we connect right, and so that is, and you, that’s normal for you. You, you love to play basketball, so it’s not a big deal, but for me that’s a big thing.
0:19:53 – Speaker 3
0:19:53 – Speaker 2
Like I don’t really want to play basketball, but it’s an adjustment that I’ve had to make with raising a boy. Okay, we talked about anger. So you know, we talked about attitude with our daughter. We want to talk about anger with our, with our son, and we really do see it more Now as he gets older. There is an occasional eye roll or something, but the tone in the sass is not as much as with our girl. It is. It may be a personality thing, but I think dealing with his anger has helped me uncover the layers too, because normally I’m trying to figure out why are you angry? You know, like, what’s behind this? I get it. You’re frustrated, why? Like, tell me why. And then that brings up the feelings that he’s stuffed down and he’s not sure how to process them.
0:20:40 – Speaker 3
0:20:41 – Speaker 2
I think I’m learning that with you too. Oh, absolutely it’s the same way with you when you get frustrated, like traffic makes you frustrated, and so when I see you stuck in traffic and I there’s a distinct thing that you do with the steering wheel that I like know that he’s like getting irritated.
0:20:57 – Speaker 3
Really, is that like when I pound on it like a wild ape?
0:20:59 – Speaker 2
Like clinch it a certain way with your fist.
0:21:02 – Speaker 3
Oh really yes, when the vein starts popping out of sight of my head.
0:21:05 – Speaker 2
Yes, there’s his look.
0:21:07 – Speaker 3
How did you know?
But just being able to help him realize okay, this is a feeling and it’s okay to feel anger, but you can’t respond that way, you know I think that type of guidance as a parent, even at the age of 10 or 11, is so important because when they’re 16 or 18, call 18, and they’re able to go off and and fight in a war for our country. You know, did they have someone that was able to help guide their thoughts and their feelings? In many cases, I think society we’re missing a lot of that.
0:21:41 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah, we’re all responding in emotions and we’re not really processing those and working through them. Just respond logically. I think you’re right on Talk about thoughts and processes and feelings. You always tell me guys are visual.
0:21:54 – Speaker 1
I wrote this in my book.
0:21:55 – Speaker 2
I’ve said it on this show a hundred times. Let’s talk about that a little bit, because that really plays into how we talked to our son and we talked to him about lust. I don’t think we’ve ever said the word lust to him. But you know, this is biblical too, just like the modesty thing with our girl Proverbs 6, 25. Do not lust in your heart after a woman’s beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes Matthew 5, 28. Anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. And I think it goes back to what you said. You know, I don’t even know if it was on this show, but another time when you told me. You know, it’s one thing to think it and then you see an option, and then you have to quickly move your mind away from that If it’s not a healthy option for your mind.
0:22:37 – Speaker 3
Yeah, yeah, and it’s not just. It’s not just a sexual thing. So you know, that applies to Vararis.
0:22:47 – Speaker 2
Well, yeah, certainly does.
0:22:49 – Speaker 3
No, actually I was thinking about other other challenges gambling, drinking, you know any addictions, these things. It really is applicable to all.
0:23:01 – Speaker 2
Yeah, a lot of things we do with girls, though. I mean he sees girls, he notices girls. Now I mean we’ve had a lot of conversations about girls.
0:23:09 – Speaker 3
Which is normal.
0:23:11 – Speaker 2
We don’t shame him. We don’t it’s natural that he notices girls.
0:23:15 – Speaker 3
Now at 10,. I’m not high-fiving him yet, but this is the healthy thing. I probably will at 11.
0:23:20 – Speaker 2
I know with you you kind of talk through it with him and I know.
0:23:25 – Speaker 3
We don’t make a big ordeal about it, though, don’t make a big ordeal.
0:23:28 – Speaker 2
And the other thing is like, as his mom, I will say well, it’s great that she’s cute. You know what about? Is she kind of others?
0:23:35 – Speaker 3
0:23:35 – Speaker 2
smart. Do you like to talk?
0:23:36 – Speaker 3
with her about, yeah, planting these ideas.
0:23:39 – Speaker 2
Planting those seeds. That attraction is great and you got to have it. But you got to have more. There’s got to be deeper layers. There we talk about respect, you know. I mean he’s noticed inappropriately dressed girls at the grocery store, just like with my son or daughter. This is where I really talk to him about. Even if she’s inappropriately dressed, you can’t take a picture, you can’t grope, you can’t grab, you can’t make fun of, you can’t stare, you can’t. That it doesn’t give you a pass to do anything Right. You have to just take your mind and take it away from that.
0:24:10 – Speaker 3
0:24:11 – Speaker 2
And get those thoughts captives. We teach our boy to respect the no, listen to the no, even with sister if they’re tickling or whatever.
0:24:19 – Speaker 3
Once again, no means no.
0:24:23 – Speaker 2
We talk about the future, wife, girlfriend, again looking more than just the outward appearance, the gaming, the screen time and the addiction in the gaming. That is a big one and we have a whole show on that. It’s called screen addiction. But this is a conversation that we have at least once a week with our son, kind of checking in with him. We don’t want you thinking about gaming all the time. We know you love it, but gaming hits our boys in the fact that they get to kill, they get to protect, they get to advance to the next level, they get accomplishment.
0:24:56 – Speaker 3
I think that speaks to that testosterone level it feeds, yeah.
0:25:00 – Speaker 2
And so I tell him about that in his. I’m like that is happening in your body, and you have to be aware that this is just a game. You need to do this in real life?
0:25:08 – Speaker 3
Well, not the killing part.
0:25:10 – Speaker 2
Well, I mean conquer something, though achieve something.
0:25:13 – Speaker 3
You know have goals in real life and not just the digital realm.
0:25:18 – Speaker 2
Absolutely. Last thing, we don’t treat him differently because he’s a boy. He does laundry, he empties the dishwasher, he cooks. We don’t have girl and boy toys on our home. Nope, yep, thanks for having us and we hope this helped you in the differences between raising a girl and raising a boy.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone, trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page