0:00:00 – Speaker 1
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0:00:14 – Speaker 2
Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the Word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a non-profit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber-parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:33 – Speaker 3
We are in our third week of our pornography series and I am dying with our special guest today. It’s exciting, yes, it’s very exciting, because I found this lady’s resources a couple years ago, didn’t know her, and I used them with my kids, read them. It is a great way to talk about pornography with your kids at an early age. Just to start that conversation. The book is called Good Pictures, bad Pictures by Kristin Jensen, and we have Kristin, this best-selling author, on the show with us today. Hello, kristin, hi, thank you so much, glad to be here. Thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule to be with us on the show and join us in the series. Tell us what started all this? Why did you write Good Pictures, bad Pictures?
0:01:23 – Speaker 1
It all started when I received a late-night phone call from a new friend. She was traumatized. She told me about her 17-year-old son who had been sexually molesting his younger siblings, and they just found this out. He also was addicted to pornography and after I heard her sad story I woke up the next morning and I just felt compelled to find a resource for parents so that they could warn their children young enough that it would make a difference, so they wouldn’t go up to be addicted and then acting out on the things that they had seen, which has become a huge problem with kids. Now they’re acting out on the pornography that they’re viewing.
0:02:07 – Speaker 2
One of the questions we get asked a lot speaks to what you’re saying is you know, I see my kids doing these things, or I’ve heard of kids doing these things. But talking to my kids early about pornography is uncomfortable. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know where to start, but it has to start early. We have to have those conversations and I really feel like your resource, your book, does that for us. It helps us start the conversation.
0:02:31 – Speaker 1
That was exactly. My whole goal was to give parents a comfortable, easy way to begin the conversation to educate their children, and we really wanted to provide a script for them, and a script that they can customize, but something that just leads you along in a very comfortable and logical way to talk with your kids about what pornography is, why it’s harmful and exactly how to reject it when they see it.
0:03:04 – Speaker 3
So you have good pictures, bad pictures, and that was your first book. That’s a best-selling book. What age do you recommend for this one?
0:03:13 – Speaker 1
We recommend it for ages 7 to 11, although we know parents have used it for much younger children and older children, and even we’ve heard from many therapists who use it with their adult clients because it explains addiction in such a simple, easy-to-understand way. So that was our goal when I wrote this with Dr Gale Pointer. And then our next book. My next book was Good Pictures, bad Pictures Jr, because I had so many parents asking me for something even simpler that they could read to their 3 to 6-year-olds. So that’s how that came about. We wanted something because, unfortunately, children need to be warned about pornography even before they’re ready to hear about sex.
0:04:03 – Speaker 2
It seems kind of strange, doesn’t it?
0:04:05 – Speaker 1
But unfortunately that’s the reality of the world we’re living in.
0:04:08 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think we talk a lot about the shift in parenting here because of technology and having to do things so much earlier and cover these topics and I mean that word pornography to say it to your child can be overwhelming. Where do I start? What do I say? And I love how you introduce the major concepts that need to be taught to our young ones in your book in a way that they can understand.
0:04:33 – Speaker 1
Yeah, you know, we need to get over this shame around the word pornography.
0:04:38 – Speaker 3
Yes, that’s awesome.
0:04:40 – Speaker 1
It’s not like Voldemort, right? It’s a word. It’s just a word and we have all this context for it. We have all this ugliness in our brain, but our children don’t. So we can just teach them. If we’re not afraid or ashamed to say the word, then it just becomes another word. In other words, it loses its power over us and our children and we approach it in a logical manner.
0:05:08 – Speaker 3
And then, once we’ve created this open, healthy dialogue, when they see it, they know exactly what to do because you’ve role-played with them and they don’t feel like I’m the most horrible person because I just saw pornography. They can actually come to us and say I saw pornography. And then that’s when we at nextTalk tell the parents don’t freak out, don’t take away technology. If they’re reporting it, that’s a good thing. That doesn’t mean they need to be punished. You want to?
0:05:32 – Speaker 1
reward them right. Reward them for the years. Reward them when they show you porn.
0:05:37 – Speaker 3
Yes, we always say they’re ready to get another app, the app that they’ve been wanting. If they show you pornography on another app, they’re ready Reward them with another app.
0:05:47 – Speaker 2
I appreciate that you said we have to get over it and you know socially that most people are not there yet. Perfect example we were in the checkout line recently and one of my kids saw a magazine and said, hey, mom, is that porn? And the people in the line could have died. This is my five-year-old.
Five-year-old they could have died. I really thought people were just going to run out, pull the fire alarm, like, oh my word, what are you teaching your child? But I was like you know what? Yes, and that is an inappropriate picture. Thank you for pointing it out to me. He turned the magazine around and then we picked out a candy right below the pornography. It was one of those moments we have to be able to talk to our kids coming and going on the road at bedtime, as scripture tells us about these things, so it’s comfortable for them and they feel like they can approach us. That’s a nextTalk right there.
0:06:40 – Speaker 1
We have to have courage for our children, we have to have courage and lead out so that we can protect them.
0:06:50 – Speaker 3
You know, one of the things that I love about your books and when I speak I say this you talk about being able to move something from the emotional part of the brain to the logical part of the brain, and I love how your books are based scientifically because you know we can use them in schools. These books can be used in schools, churches, wherever, because it’s a scientific approach, but that concept not only can be applied to pornography, but a lot of different things. I’ve applied that to my teen daughter. You know, when her emotions get wacky, I’ll say, okay, we need to remember that good pictures, bad pictures, we need to take our feelings and think logically here. Yeah, I think that’s a great approach to teach our kids about a lot of different things.
0:07:35 – Speaker 1
You know, I’ve heard that from parents that they use it for all kinds of parenting issues. Hey, let’s use our thinking brain.
0:07:42 – Speaker 3
0:07:43 – Speaker 1
Especially also parents that have children on the autism spectrum or the children in the house. Good Executive control issues. Teaching them about their brain is so empowering for children and it is, and I’ve been asked to write a parenting book just on thinking brain, feeling brain. But you know, I think I’m going to stick with the pornography. I think that’s the biggest problem that we’re having now.
0:08:08 – Speaker 3
So unfortunately yeah, Unfortunately Well you know, we just had a counselor on our last show and he, you know he said he’s seen an increase in kids dealing with pornography at younger and younger ages, which matches up with all of what we’re doing here. But what I, what I wanted to say was is that some of the labels that he talked about, like shaming.
0:08:30 – Speaker 2
That can come at a young age, when kids see these things and they don’t realize that their brain is changing, it’s rewiring, and so they are shamed, and then parents sometimes can come behind them and shame them when they find out that they’re looking at this. And I feel like you really do a good job of teaching parents how to have factual, non-shaming discussions about the dangers of pornography at an early age by really breaking it down for us.
0:08:56 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I mean, if you talk to children logically, calmly, from a young age, there’s no shame, it’s just another danger. There’s all kinds of dangers in the world that they’re growing up in and there always has been. And if we will just talk to our children again in a logical way, and in our new book, good Pictures, bad Pictures Jr, we make sure to point out that we say in the book sometimes kids see bad pictures by accident. But even if you see a bad picture, that doesn’t make you a bad kid, right. And then we ask have you ever seen this kind of a bad picture? And if you have, don’t worry, there’s something good you can do if you see a bad picture.
So it gives children this power and they love it. They absolutely love feeling empowered. It’s such a relief, I think, to them to know, because some of those children that are steeqs, they don’t know what to do, they’re cut off guard, it scares them. I think if we could remember back to when we were children and we were hit with a new situation that totally took us off guard. It’s terrifying. And so we don’t want our kids to be scared of the world, we don’t want them to be scared of technology. We simply want them to be warned and educated and empowered to know how to reject. You know, use the good right and they reject the bad, and we need to teach them from an early age. Every child deserves to be warned about the dangers of pornography.
They deserve to be taught from an early age what it is given a simple definition and then how it can harm their brain and how it can harm them in so many different ways. And then they deserve to be taught how to reject it, what to do exactly when they’re exposed. That’s why we have, you know, in the first book the Can Do Plan, and then in this new book we have the Turn, run and Tell Plan. So we’re teaching children skills how to reject it when they see it.
0:11:08 – Speaker 3
If you’re just now joining in, this is nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630. The word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a non-profit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:11:30 – Speaker 2
You just spoke a little bit about. By the way, let’s rewind a little bit. I want everybody to know who we’re speaking to today. Kristin Jensen, author of Good Pictures, bad Pictures porn-proofing today’s young kids.
0:11:41 – Speaker 3
0:11:42 – Speaker 2
Best-selling author Amazing books, now Good Pictures, bad Pictures Jr I have both in my house have been great resources for our nextTalk team and we’ve referred a lot of people to get this book for their families as well. We were just touching on some of the practical applications and things that you can go through with your kids when you’re reading these books, which I love, and I think it helps parents also feel empowered, because sometimes it can be a little overwhelming to tackle these subjects, especially if it was a taboo conversation in your family growing up. This is a different age of parenting. Things have shifted, and so share with us a little bit some of those things like the can do and the different plans and ideas that you have that parents can do right away.
0:12:26 – Speaker 1
Yeah. So first of all, the first thing you need to do is you need to give them a definition, a simple definition. So we have a couple of those in these books, very simple, you can embellish them, add to them as they get older. Second, and this gives them the vocabulary to talk to you about it with so you need to teach them that it can become an addiction, that it can change their attitudes, that it can teach. We touch upon this very lightly because this is a more mature theme, but the idea that pornography teaches people to hurt other people, to be mean to them, so much of pornography is violent and really really just denigrating to people and especially to women. But then, third, we need to give kids a plan. What do you do? After you’ve taught them a definition, after you’ve taught them how to harm them, how pornography can harm their brains? You need to give them a plan. So we have the can do plan.
I just want to let your readers know, or your listeners know, sorry, that you can get a copy of this can do plan byif you text CANDOPLAN to the number 442222. You can get a free PDF poster for your family. You can also find it on our website protectyoungmindorg, but it can do so. Close your eyes, Always tell a trusted adult, name it when you see it. So that’s the A-N and those are the three things that kids need to do upon exposure Immediately close your eyes, limit the exposure. Always tell a trusted adult so that you basically secrecy fuels shame. It fuels addiction.
So we want to nip that right in the bud and then, when you name something, you’re using your thinking brain, you’re taking the feelings out of it and defining it for them Exactly, you’re labeling it, you’re using your thinking brain and that gives your thinking brain power over your feeling brain and over the feelings that pornography creates.
And then those are the first three things. And then D&O is to stretch your thoughts. So when those memories come back of pornography and they will and they come back to troubled children, and to tempt them to look for more, they need to know how to deal with those memories. So teach them to and we talk about this more in the book but to distract their thoughts away To think of something else that’s exciting and that every time those memories pop up, go to that exciting new thing that gets them excited. So if your kid is excited about horses, have them think about horses and riding a horse and eventually that memory of the shocking pornography exposure will fade and it will not pop up as much in their mind. And then O is order your thinking brain to be the boss. So again, it’s just helping a child conceptualize. They have two brains and one, the thinking brain, which is the one that knows right from wrong and can put the brakes on their feelings. That thinking brain needs to be in control.
0:15:48 – Speaker 3
You know that is so fabulous, kristen, and I love that last one Order your thinking brain to be the boss. I think that’s so good for parents, like when we want to absolutely lose it. I know the first time my child showed me pornography that she saw on Instagram. You know my emotional brain wanted to yank the phone, throw it into the pool and say you’re never having technology again. But I knew that would create a wall and so I have been enough on this journey. I had read your books. I was in the middle of writing my own book. I knew that I couldn’t respond that way, and so I hugged her, I put it down and I said I’m so proud of you. This is exactly what we discussed from the Good Pictures, bad Pictures book. You’re doing exactly what I asked you to do and I’m so proud of you. But that order your thinking brain to be the boss. You know I had to do that in my response to her.
0:16:34 – Speaker 2
Absolutely. Yeah, I love it. I love that you’ve broken it down for us Can do C-A-N-D-O again. It’s so cool. You can text that to 444-222 and get a PDF poster. I mean that’s super cool. Put it up in the house. It keeps that discussion going and that reminder there. I might even put it in the bathroom so every time they’re sitting there they can read through it.
0:16:57 – Speaker 1
I love it. That’s right. Yeah, the Can-Do plan is really empowering to children and to all of us. Actually, I’ve heard of adults using the Can-Do plan. So we all kind of are all. None of us are beyond. I think we all have to be concerned about this problem, especially for children, but also as adults. It’s a problem for all of us.
0:17:26 – Speaker 3
Well, and we like to say it’s not a matter of if they’re going to see pornography anymore, it’s a matter of at what age will they see pornography? That’s the question, because we’re all going to see it. I mean, I’m on Twitter, I’ve seen it.
0:17:38 – Speaker 2
0:17:39 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and I know that, as you mentioned in the beginning, that parents, most parents, most parents, are uncomfortable talking about this and they’re worried. Won’t I make my child more curious by talking about them early? No, I mean, I don’t think a child can be more curious about sex, about the human body. They’re already curious about it. The thing that you can do is answer their questions proactively on your own terms. I mean, if you make them curious, they’re sitting next to you. You can introduce your attitudes about it, your values. You can set yourself up to be the best source of information. You can assure them that their curiosity is normal, but it can lead them in a dangerous direction. So kids are curious, right? They’re far, far away.
0:18:30 – Speaker 2
0:18:32 – Speaker 1
And that’s exactly why parents need to talk to their kids about pornography earlier rather than later.
0:18:38 – Speaker 3
So I fell into the trap of not wanting to bring up certain topics, not only pornography, but other topics, sex, sexuality, I mean all of these questions we’re getting bombarded with now because our kids are seeing it online and what I have found is the more open communication that we have in that honest dialogue, then the less fear I have of what they’re going to be exposed to. And so I’m not over here being crazy Mom, because I’m like you know we of course we have restrictions set up, we have all of those things, but it boils down to that relationship and I know when they see something, they’re going to come home and ask me, and so it really takes the fear out of what technology is feeding them. If you develop that honest dialogue and that’s why I love your books, because you are giving us like these are easy steps that you can take to start this conversation, yeah.
0:19:29 – Speaker 1
It’s, you know it’s. We’re all busy. How many of us have time to read a 300 page book on the harms of pornography and then boil it down and figure out how to talk to a child about it? That’s why we wanted to do it for parents and to make it super, super easy. Just open the book, read it to your child, keep reading it to your child and they will be much more prepared to have their own internal filter, because they can’t. You can put filters and I do recommend that you have filters on your devices but talk to kids about why you’re putting filters, you know. So they explain it’s not just restricting them, it’s actually protecting the entire family, and then help them develop their own internal filters so they have it wherever they go.
0:20:20 – Speaker 2
Absolutely. We talk about explaining the why to your kids so they start to understand why and then they start like you said, they start to apply that on their own and then also share. I noticed with my older son he will share that why with the younger ones who are still kind of figuring it all out. And speaking of the younger ones, your good pictures, bad pictures, junior also has some really great applicable practical steps that are even simpler, that we can apply to our little ones.
0:20:49 – Speaker 1
Yeah, even young children can learn. You know, they can learn a simple definition of bad pictures and you can use the turn, run and tell plan to help them keep safe. So it’s very, very simple. In this book we don’t there’s one place where we have sticky notes placed in the book and those are little prompts for parents to have discussions, to ask other questions. If you don’t want to use the word pornography with your three-year-old, that is your choice. That’s totally fine and we just keep it very, very simple. Children just have a simple introduction, because any child that’s on the Internet or has any access to the Internet is potentially at risk for seeing pornography.
I have so many stories of young children three, four, five-year-old children being exposed to pornography and more and more children have mobile devices or have access to games, online games and their parents have no idea. For example, roblox. There are chat rooms that kids can go into and these chat rooms are populated often by pedophiles and then children get into trouble. There’s all kinds of problems with children being groomed by these pedophiles, being asked to take pictures of themselves and submit them, and once they give those pictures, there’s problems with extortion, and it just goes on and on and I have some good information about that. The FBI sees that as a huge problem for children. This problem of extortion and I don’t know if you want to talk about this, but the whole issue of child-on-child sexual abuse which is really what got me started writing the first book has just been increasingly a big problem, with children viewing porn and then doing what they’re wired to do, which is imitate what they see, and they imitate what they see with other children.
0:23:00 – Speaker 3
Yes, often their siblings.
0:23:04 – Speaker 2
Yes unfortunately, these are all you know. What we’re talking about is all the long-term implications of a child left to their own thoughts and their own actions a lot of times, and so that’s why your books are such incredible resources for parents like us and all parents, to start, as young as three years old, to have these important conversations, just to start the dialogue, to take away the shame of the word and of the topic, so that they know they can come to us about anything and we can start pouring into them and planting seeds about what is good and what is right.
0:23:40 – Speaker 3
Yeah, you know, I mean we can just by starting these little conversations we can save them from a lifelong struggle of addiction abuse. You know trading nudes being extorted by people online and it starts with a simple conversation that will build with more details over time.
0:23:57 – Speaker 2
Kristen, where can people get your books. I mean, we direct people all the time, but what’s the best place to find you?
0:24:04 – Speaker 1
Yeah, so they can look on our website, protectyounglinesorg, or they can just go directly to Amazon. The books are sold on Amazon as well, and so we’ve made them available to parents. There’s a lot of other great information on our website we are just. Our whole goal is to help parents with this one problem, help them begin those conversations and to teach their children to reject pornography from a young age. You mentioned, you know, some of the problems that children experience because of pornography, and we were recently endorsed by the American College of Pediatricians. Our books, and they wrote a whole paper on all of the impact of pornography on children is what it’s called, and they cite several problems anxiety, depression, feelings of disgust, embarrassment, anger. Children under 12 years old who view pornography are statistically more likely to sexually assault their peers More reason why yeah, absolutely more reason why and more statistics why we have got to start the conversation early.
0:25:23 – Speaker 2
Kristen, thank you so much for writing these resources for us Guys check us out on our social media.
0:25:29 – Speaker 3
Kristen has offered to do some book giveaways, so go over to our social media pages and we’re going to give you direction over there. But thank you so much for joining us today, kristen.
0:25:40 – Speaker 1
Well, I know that parents have a tough job, but we can do this. Working together, we can teach children to reject pornography.
0:25:48 – Speaker 2
nextTalk Radio. Find our resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page