0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:13 – Speaker 2
Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Cam every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630. The word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a non-profit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 1
Well, over the last several shows, we’ve discussed building a safe place with your kids, when to get a cell phone, when do you allow social media, and what parenting looks like at different ages and stages of life. Today we’re going to dive in and talk about one of the biggest threats our kids are facing today pornography.
0:00:52 – Speaker 2
You know this is such an important topic. We’re going to have a whole series. We can’t fit this all into one show. This is an ongoing conversation. Yes, we’re going to be bringing in some experts on this discussion, giving you some book recommendations. We’ve got some cool things planned.
0:01:09 – Speaker 1
Yeah, we really want to dive in and look at this from all different angles. First of all, though, we want to take a look at how pornography has changed and why it’s such a big deal today.
0:01:19 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I mean. Think about when we were growing up. You know you would have to go to a video store to rent a BCR tape, which means you might be seen.
0:01:27 – Speaker 1
Yes, so just that alone would stop some people and you have to have a valid ID to rent that video.
0:01:34 – Speaker 2
As far as magazines, they were out there, but again it was like a physical thing that you had to sneak around. You had to go to trouble to access pornography and even though we did I mean, our generation did do that, it wasn’t as easily accessible as it is today.
0:01:51 – Speaker 1
You had to work for it. That’s what my husband always says when he talks on this subject. You had to work for it. It was very visible and now it’s not. It’s one click of a button and it’s in your back pocket 24-7.
0:02:03 – Speaker 2
And the devices are so small that your kids could literally be sitting next to you on the couch and turn the phone in a way where they can be watching it, have headphones on hearing it, and you have no idea. You have no idea Because their devices are so small.
0:02:17 – Speaker 1
And you can delete the trail. That’s the other thing. Most of the time, you can get rid of any evidence or anything that would point someone to knowing what you’ve done, and so it really creates this perfect storm of availability. And also it’s more than just looking at something over and over addictive, yeah.
0:02:37 – Speaker 2
You know, and since we’re thinking about how it used to be, there’s a saying that I’ve heard come up when we talk about this thing and this kind of saying, just I can’t even be non-judgmental about it. I hate this saying. I don’t know if that makes me a horrible person, but I hate this saying Okay, Go for it, boys will be boys.
0:02:57 – Speaker 1
Yes, oh no, I still hear that a lot all the time Because I have boys, a couple of boys, so people say that quite often. But guess what folks, it’s not just a boys issue, and that is hard to hear, for some people it is not.
0:03:10 – Speaker 2
You know, when I was doing research for my book, there’s an increase in girls looking at pornography and this. I have a whole chapter dedicated to this and you can look at all those statistics in there. We don’t want to spend a lot of time on our show today because we have so many talking points that we want to get through with you. We’re trying to recap all these folks in terms of storytelling. There’s an increase in girls watching porn and a lot of people and the research shows that there’s a couple reasons why they do. It is one they want to. They want to see what the boys like. Yeah, they want to see what gets their attention, and that is really sad to me.
There was another statistic that I showed in my book that there’s been a Increase, a significant increase, in genital surgery of girls oh, my goodness, of teen girls and so it goes back into that. What do things look like on porn? What do guys expect of me? And that’s really sad to me, really breaks my heart that our young girls are feeling like they have to Be that person on the screen who’s being objectified and not treated in a godly way or in a godly Relationship character, a way that God would want girls to be treated and we have our guys watching it, yeah, who are saying, well, this is how I treat a woman, this is what it looks like, this is a relationship looks like, this is what our intimate time should look like.
0:04:27 – Speaker 1
And so the expectation is said then, and they’re expecting the girls to know these things and that this is how it all plays out. So all of this Expectation is set on a false reality, and that’s what they’re building their moral compass on for a sexual intimate relationship.
0:04:43 – Speaker 2
And can you imagine and I’m not being a drama mama here or, you know, crazy mom, I mean we get calls from kids, parents whose kids seven and eight are looking at porn. Yeah, and so can you imagine if something starts like this at seven or eight, becomes an addiction at ten or eleven, a Life-long addiction, and then you bring it into your marriage? Yes, and then that affects what you expect of your wife and what you expect them to do in the bedroom, because this, it’s this Unreal thing that you have in your head.
0:05:16 – Speaker 1
Yeah, it’s easy to understand, when you think of it that way, why it’s such an epidemic and why it’s such a problem. It infiltrates into the relationship and Creates this horrible situation and if this is what kids are seeing first and they don’t know it’s wrong and they become addicted, it changes the state of their relationship forever.
0:05:35 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you know, I mean we have to go there because this is nextTalk and we’re real here and we say the hard stuff.
0:05:41 – Speaker 1
No difficult off limits.
0:05:43 – Speaker 2
No subject is off limits. That’s not just the tagline. Like we, we breathe that, like we live by that. That is our mission. So I have to kind of go here on a topic and that is not just straight porn, but I’m talking gay, homosexual porn. So kids are being exposed to that and then they’re questioning their sexuality at a very young age Because they’re seeing that and it’s creating something in their head. You know, in these feelings hormones, and if parents aren’t talking early and then they’re being exposed to it, it is like the perfect opportunity for Satan to come in and cause a lot of confusion, not only from the parent side, on how we’re responding to it, because we want to get mad and we shouldn’t. We should love and and walk through these.
0:06:27 – Speaker 1
0:06:28 – Speaker 2
But then also on the kids side, because they’re at a young age and they’re being exposed to this, and then there’s all these Questions and confusion and, well, maybe I’m bad or maybe I’m, you know, and then they start to label themselves yes, it’s such a young age. We’re also seeing an increase in, you know, boys abusing boys. You know, when we grew up, there was a lot of talk about rape and, yes, making sure that girls were protected and boys Don’t do that. But now we have to think about, like boys raping other boys, like using objects in it in the news, but guess what?
0:07:00 – Speaker 1
it’s happening in your backyard.
0:07:02 – Speaker 2
It’s. It’s all over the country. We have seen national stories with, I mean, objects. You know, broomsticks pull cues. Like these are national stories where boys on their sports team are, you know, hurting other boys, assaulting other boys, raping other boys.
0:07:19 – Speaker 1
Because they have seen it and it has become normalized. You know, we just want to take a minute to say we know this is a tough subject. It’s very tough, it’s uncomfortable, nobody wants to talk about it. But if we do not arm ourselves and we just sit in the world of being alarmed about it quietly, then we can’t protect our kids. If we don’t know these things and know how to start pouring into our kids and talking to them at an early age or at any stage of life, then we leave them open to the enemy getting to them and infiltrating their mind through this pornography. So, as difficult as this is for us, it’s important for all of us, as parents, to know this information.
0:07:56 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and just like Holly said you know she was a guest on our last show be armed, not alarmed. We’re not saying these things for shock value. We’re not saying these things to shock you into some conversations Like this is real world stuff, backed up by statistics and stories in our news all over the world, and we have got to get a handle because if we’re not talking to our kids, they’re reading all this stuff and they’re getting confused.
0:08:20 – Speaker 1
And this pornography thing is really the start of really bad things and in a lot of these circles of kids, what you’ll find is that it is normal and it is expected amongst them in relationships or just peer to peer, and so if we are not setting a standard that’s different than that, then they just keep recreating that with new friends and other people that this is everybody’s doing it. This is what we do, it’s okay. Yeah, can’t allow that to be the standard.
0:08:49 – Speaker 2
The other thing, you know and again, this is not for shock value, but this is just stories we’ve heard experts, we’ve talked to sibling assaults, yeah, and so they’re seeing this pornography. Whether it’s boy on boy or girl on girl or girl on boy, either way this assault is wrong and so. But they’re seeing this pornography and then they’re getting these urges, and so the little siblings are often victims, and it’s something we need to be aware of and be talking about.
0:09:21 – Speaker 1
You know, right now, when we hear these things we get, it’s easy to get upset at the pornography industry. Yes, you know to feel like it’s all their fault. Why are they doing this? But we really need to go back to truth. Yeah, ephesians 612, we are not fighting against flesh and blood, but against evil spirits.
0:09:38 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you know those, those pornography stars that are in those videos and online. There’s someone’s daughter and there’s someone’s son, and they have a story too. And we have to rise above our hate for the pornography industry and really look at this from a Satan’s perspective.
0:09:54 – Speaker 1
This is evil trying to hurt our kids Absolutely. You know, one of the reasons, or really the main reason why pornography has become so epidemic, is because it can become an addiction. You know it’s. There was a Washington post article that said they compared pornography to the tobacco industry as far as addictive qualities. I mean, it is crazy how the brain can produce certain chemicals and then you crave it and need it and want more to reproduce that feeling, and so we can’t just think of it as something that you know boys do, or kids are interested in or they’re just curious. It can become an addiction.
0:10:31 – Speaker 2
Yeah, so far as to say, in April 2016,. The Utah governor said look, pornography is a public health crisis. And he’s not the only one. I cover this all in my book, but there’s, you know, pornography stars who have come out and said this is bad for you. Yeah, pamela Anderson is one. She came out and said this is not a good thing.
You know, porn addiction is not a good thing. It’s just like drugs and alcohol and screen addiction. You know, all of those things produce a rush of dopamine in your brain and then you want more and more to satisfy. You know, it’s almost like a drug. You may say, oh, I can smoke marijuana or whatever, it’s not going to hurt me. But then you get that rush and then it doesn’t fulfill you anymore. So then you have to go to something different, yes, and you have to up your game. You have to up your game and that’s kind of what we’re seeing with pornography. You watch it for so long and then you want the physical real thing and then that’s where the assaults come in. That’s where the objectification of men and women, the abuse, comes in, and we really have to have our guard up with this.
0:11:32 – Speaker 1
So the question becomes how do we keep our kids away from porn? Well, you may not like the answer, but the truth is that we cannot. They are going to be exposed, not if, when and what age. The question is when? Yes, and I hate to hear that as a parent, but I know it’s true. Whether it’s on a billboard, whether it is in a book, whether it is online, they’re going to see it. So then we have to shift our focus on how do we prepare them.
0:12:02 – Speaker 2
So I just want to share with you guys. Like I have written a book I have. You know we run this nonprofit nextTalk and both of my kids have seen this. Like we have restrictions set at home, we talk about it. The key is, both times they saw it. They came straight to me and told me Because I had Holly telling me these conversations need to start so early, and so I was on it because I had this heads up mama guiding me saying get on this subject before they get to middle school, and now it’s really even before they get to first and second grade. Like we need to be talking. It’s moving faster. There’s a great book out. It’s called Good Pictures Bad Pictures and the original Good Pictures Bad Pictures is for six plus and so it’s really good to read with your elementary kids. That book became a best seller because the need is so great to equip our kids with pornography and it really does a great job, kim, of walking you through, bringing up this conversation but not making it so awkward.
0:13:06 – Speaker 1
Well, I think that’s what people are most concerned about, yeah, and so they’re like. Well, I mean, what do I say to my six and seven year old about pornography?
0:13:14 – Speaker 2
I don’t want to talk about that with my kids, and what if I say too much that it scars them?
0:13:18 – Speaker 1
Yes, Like that’s my fear. Yes, well, and I’m always like, how far do I go? How much do I say? I remember feeling those way and this book does a beautiful job of introducing the concept in an age appropriate way and starting that conversation. And now it’s kind of a sweet and sour because all of our kids are exposed at such a young age. They’ve come out with a junior version of the book for three to six year olds. It’s just, I know it’s hard. It’s hard, but it makes it easier in the long run when you set up that standard and you start those conversations when they’re little.
0:13:53 – Speaker 2
So we wanted to tell you about Good Pictures, bad Pictures, as a resource. We’re going to have a whole show dedicated to this resource for you and that is going to be coming up on a show, so look for that. It’s part of our series that we want to do for you, but it is a great resource to start bringing up the conversation. One thing I want to say about it is it’s not a religious book. It’s not written from a biblical perspective. It is a scientific. So it teaches kids how to move things from the emotional part of the brain to the thinking part of the brain. So we talk a lot about not relying fully on our feelings, but like our thought process and our logic. That’s what this book does and it’s really great because you can use that. But then you can back it up at home with scripture about protecting your heart and mind and bring the scripture part into it. So it’s a really great resource to just start the conversation.
0:14:47 – Speaker 1
We will, like Mandy said, we’ll be having the author of this bestselling book and her new book on, so we can delve a little bit more into it and what that looks like. Yeah.
0:14:56 – Speaker 2
So I want to talk a little bit about my. You know, even though the increase of girls watching porn is on the rise, I think you know my husband always tells me guys are visual. Yes, and so a lot of times Satan will use these visuals to lure guys into places their mind should not go to. And you know my teen tween son I see it already in him. He’s nine. We read good pictures, bad pictures in first grade. He’s definitely seen like unclothed women online that have popped up. And he came and told me and we talked that through One time we were. It wasn’t necessarily a pornography picture, but it was a very racy picture we were setting up the kitchen island. I don’t know Like God really speaks to my family at the kitchen island.
0:15:43 – Speaker 1
The kitchen island is an amazing place in hell. All my stories that are around the kitchen island, that’s why I don’t have one, no, just kidding.
0:15:50 – Speaker 2
And so I was doing the dishes, he was online and he said hey, mom, can I check the football scores? Can I Google the football scores? Well, you know he’s in an open area of the house. I have restrictions set on the iPad. I say, sure, Google the football scores. And so I’m washing dishes and I look at him and he looks up and his eyes are like two big saucers, just gigantic, and he says mom, there’s something here you need to see. So I go around and there’s this woman who is all she has is like a thong on and she’s sitting on a motorcycle but you can’t see her upper breast. They’re hidden, but you can tell that she’s, yeah, she’s unclothed.
She’s unclothed, yes, and so I am not lying, kim. The first thing that came out of my mouth was that looks like dental floss for a butt.
0:16:48 – Speaker 1
I’m so glad you shared that, because it’s so easy to feel like I don’t know if I said the right thing. It just happens though.
0:16:57 – Speaker 2
So he starts cracking up. You know, we turn it off and we’re like rolling, like I’m almost going to the bathroom on my pants, you know, because you know I am like rolling. And so at the end of it, though, we got serious and I hugged him and I said I’m so proud of you.
You know, like I don’t know if mommy just said the right thing to you about that, I probably shouldn’t have referred to it as that, but I’m so proud of you for protecting your heart and mind. You’re doing what you need to do Like that’s your responsibility, and I just Record it. Turn it off, yes, and turn their head and not look at it, but this has moved into some different conversations for my son.
0:17:34 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I’m sure you know. I know my son’s a little bit older both of my sons. But one of the things I talked to my husband about and that we’ve already started talking with our older son about is it’s natural that you notice. Yes, God made you that way. Yes, you are a man. You are meant to have those feelings and emotions. Yeah, it is not something to be ashamed of. You are created to notice the beautiful female body.
0:17:58 – Speaker 2
It’s almost like what we talked about in the last show, you know, like we don’t want them to solely respond on their feelings but at the same time we need to allow them to feel yes, and we need to find that balance of feeling and logic. And so at first I was like it’s bad, it’s bad, it’s bad. And what I realized was I was setting my son up never to appreciate women or love women, or for feeling shame, yes, which we certainly don’t want to instill in our kids.
We don’t want to instill shame, and so I had to tweak that whole conversation. Yeah, and so now, when he shows me something, I will say buddy, that’s how God made you. Like that is so natural that you see the billboard with the breast driving down the road, you know, in the little string bikini. Like it’s natural that you notice.
0:18:41 – Speaker 1
And then the part that we play is what do we do with those girls?
0:18:44 – Speaker 2
Yes, and so I want to teach him that girls and women are not objects Like that is so important to me to instill in my son, and so I will say to him you know, it’s natural that you notice outer beauty, but what about looking at other qualities, like intelligence, kindness, how they treat people, leadership, heart, like those are the things that will sustain a marriage, and I’ll say that to him, those are the things that will sustain a relationship. Yes, you’re going to want to find. You know, when you start dating, you’re going to want to find someone who you’re attracted to.
0:19:16 – Speaker 1
That’s part of it, but it’s also all of these things and also setting those standards that they need to know and starting at a young age. Like it is never okay to disrespect a girl by talking about her body parts Nope. Or staring at her body parts or taking pictures or asking for pictures of her body parts Never okay. So you are taking away the shame of it being a natural feeling but then showing them what to do with those feelings and then setting a standard of what you can never do.
0:19:43 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and these. I mean my kid is nine, but I feel like I’m already preparing him never to ask for a nude photo when he’s 16. Because this is conversations that we’re already having and I’ve weaved this into. When he notices, then weave that into the conversation. It’s never okay to disrespect a girl by asking her for a picture, taking a picture staring at her, pointing at her. Whatever we got to plant those seeds, yeah. And then the other thing is, you know, I will say to him one day you’re going to get to marry a girl and, with her permission, within that marriage, you’re going to get to enjoy all of her. Yeah, and that’s how God designed it and that’s how you can be safe. Because sex is a beautiful thing and the female body is a beautiful thing, and the male body is a beautiful thing, but it has to be within God’s design for it to be safe.
0:20:29 – Speaker 1
You know, even at this young age we’ve had the conversation with our son because of questions he has asked and we always want to answer those questions and validate their feelings about marriage and we talk about with him. You know, when you get to do something very special, how good that feels because it’s set apart, it’s special, it’s something that’s just for you, that’s marriage and that’s sex within the confines of marriage. It is special, it is set apart, it is just for you and your spouse and that’s why we reserve it for that time. And so even at a young age, you can start to set that understanding of why you want to protect your heart and mind and why you want this to be different.
0:21:09 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know, and I think we grew up in a generation where it was just don’t have sex, yes, no. It was just a no it was more about shut down the feelings and not talk about them.
0:21:17 – Speaker 1
And that’s it. And there’s a lot of shame, a lot of shame, there’s a lot of shame.
0:21:20 – Speaker 2
And I think we need to move into how beautiful it is and those feelings are real and they’re amazing and they’re wonderful.
0:21:28 – Speaker 1
but we do have to have that balance of feeling and logic and do them within God’s what God’s parameters are for marriage and, within all of that conversation, bringing it back to the fact that Satan is coming to kill, steal and destroy, and one way he does that is up that sacred relationship with pornography. It’s a problem and that’s why we’re talking about it. It is one of those things that people like to kind of brush under the rug or normalize, and we can’t do that in this age of parenting.
0:21:59 – Speaker 2
So how do I bring dad into this conversation? The other topic, too, is just teaching your boy to look away within three seconds, like if they see something like visual, pop away and always be a gentleman. Respect, respect, respect. Women is what we want to preach to our kids, and pornography does not respect women. It objectifies them, or men, to be honest, or men exactly when my son brings this up with me.
I really want to get dad involved in this conversation, absolutely, because I’m not a man. I can speak into this from a mom and a biblical perspective, but I am not a man. I am not as visual as my husband and my son are, and so a lot of times when my child will say something to me like he always pulls me in his room or she’s he and I, and he’ll want to process through something I will say to him hey, I’m here for you and we can talk through this and I give these talking points, but I will say I’m not dad Like. Can we bring dad in on this conversation? Would it be okay if I brought dad in? And at first he was like no, no, no, no, no. You know, you know what I talked to you. But then I was like, but daddy wants to talk to you about this kind of stuff and daddy can help you process this stuff.
0:23:09 – Speaker 1
When you see stuff that’s why even you know whether it’s dad, or you know mentor or grandpa. If you’re able to bring in a trusted male into the conversation, it really does help for them to process something that they share. The same emotion If you’re just not tuning in. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 6 30. The word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:23:45 – Speaker 2
Okay. So we’ve kind of talked about how porn has changed. We’ve talked about like preparing our kids for porn, like what to do, because they’re going to see it. So how do they respond? You know we need a role play with them, yeah, like what do you do when it pops up on your phone or your device? And you know, for my older child, she has her own phone, so she’s at school with it. So we have like a three step process, like one is turn it off immediately to never, ever, ever show a pornographic picture to another child or send it.
That is the distribution of child pornography. That is illegal. So your kids need to understand that. So many times they’re like something will pop up on their phone and in innocence they will say, oh my gosh, look, and they’ll show it because they feel uncomfortable and they don’t know what’s happening. They just distribute child pornography and in most school districts they can be suspended. And so we need a role play with our kids because that can happen very easily and then report anything pornographic to a parent or school official, absolutely.
0:24:44 – Speaker 1
Those are three easy steps to role play with. You know, pornography is something that we get the most calls about, so we just want to make sure that we remember how not to respond. Naturally, we want to yell. Do not yell, do not scream, do not threaten to take away all their cell phones for a year. Mean what you say you’ve got to follow through taking away their cell phone for a year. If you say that, then you need to do that, and that is not necessarily the right answer.
0:25:09 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah, and you know we can talk about this all day and that’s why we’re doing a whole series about it. So for today, let’s do our wrap up segment, kim, okay. So one your kids will see porn. The question is at what age? Two prepare your kids on how to respond to porn, role play with them. Prepare them. Three create conversation on how to process porn and other images. Talking is the key.
0:25:28 – Speaker 1
Again, we’re going to be having a whole series on this, so please tune in. We’ll be talking through this from different angles. Really good information. Thanks so much for joining us on nextTalk Radio today with Mandy and Kim. Every Saturday at 10 am on AM 6 30. The word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page