0:00:02 – Speaker 1
Welcome to the nextTalk podcast, where we share real stories and practical advice for parenting the digital world.
0:00:09 – Speaker 2
We’re your hosts, Mandy and Kim. Mandy is an award-winning author and the founder of nextTalk, and I’m the director of nextTalk, a nonprofit organization created to strengthen families through open communication. You can check out all of our resources at nextTalk.org.
0:00:24 – Speaker 1
We’re your wives, moms and friends, tackling culturally relevant topics from a Christian perspective. We’re sharing what we’ve learned and where we’ve failed. We’re so glad you’re here for this conversation.
0:00:37 – Speaker 2
So we recently got asked to do a show on that transition from high school into being a young adult, And I think that’s a really good topic because that’s a big time.
0:00:48 – Speaker 1
Well, you know, my daughter graduated high school last year and is in the first year of college, so I’m kind of living this out. But I’m also new to this space. You know, this is our first year in this season, so I also wanted to pull some of our volunteers and team members that have kids older than us. So this show is a compilation of that wisdom of all of those people that I kind of pulled on our team And they’ve got kids like out of college.
One of the ladies has a kid married. I mean that sounds like so Far down the road, but it happened fast for her. So we’re going to talk through some of these talking points. So this is all about the transition from you got a kid from high school and then they’re going off So they may be going to college or they may be moving out or they may be getting a job or they may be going. Whatever they’re doing next, what does this transition look like from? because you’re going from parenting a kid living in your home to parenting a kid living outside your home. So that’s what we want to talk about today.
0:01:50 – Speaker 2
Well, listen, if you have younger kids, like I do, and you’re thinking how I don’t need this show, this is a process that starts when they’re little. This is something that really applies to everyone, because if you start these conversations and kind of this training up when they’re young, then that transition will not be so difficult or scary for you or your kid, because it’ll be a natural part of the process.
0:02:12 – Speaker 1
Yes, absolutely So. First talking point we have a volunteer in our team and I love what she says. She said this to me over and over for years and it is amazing. She says trust what you’ve taught. I can’t tell you how many times, as a parent of a young adult, now that this phrase has calmed my mind, you know like I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and I’ll check life 360 and I’ll see that my college age daughter is not at home yet And I’ll be like, okay, trust what you’ve taught. Breathe, trust what you’ve taught. But it’s true like we have to trust what we’ve taught.
0:02:51 – Speaker 2
Well and I think you can take that one step further if you’re a believer A lot of what we teach comes from the Holy Spirit. So really it’s saying I’m going to trust that the Holy Spirit guided my teaching and will guide my kid. So, yes, trust what you’ve taught, knowing that it’s not just what you said, it’s what God wanted for your kid.
0:03:10 – Speaker 1
I love the way you said that. You know, looking back, kim, now that I do have a kid out of the house, one of the things that I’m really glad that I did as a parent is this I would never say follow our rules, follow my rules, you know, do this, do that. I would never use that kind of terminology. I would always say what does God want you to do in this moment? And it pushes them into a space where it’s them and Jesus, like your kid and Jesus, and they have to figure out who am I going to be in this moment? right, and that is way more powerful than following my rules like don’t look at porn, don’t drink alcohol, don’t do this. You know it’s more of a deeper level type question.
So, pushing your kid into that space, you know the trust what you’ve taught, like you’ve got to teach it when they’re young. It goes back to what you said at the beginning of the show, kim. All of these things happen when they’re little, so so that you can trust what you’ve taught. If you’re not teaching it, you can’t trust what you’ve taught. So conversations have to happen as life plays out. In late elementary, middle school, early high school, you’re having those key foundational conversations.
0:04:19 – Speaker 2
Yeah, for sure, for sure. Another one that I can really relate to, and my mom was really good at teaching me all kinds of things, but there was one thing that when I went to college, i didn’t know. So here’s the little nugget of truth Never, ever, ever, assume that your kid knows something Like, obviously they know that, oh, don’t think that. And it can be basic things. So here was my thing. I got to college and I didn’t know how to do laundry. It just was never something I did at home, and so my now husband actually taught me how to do laundry. But it could be anything. I mean, it could be simple things like filling out your W4 form or like how to mail a package or how to cook for yourself, like basic things. That’s a part of training them and preparing them to be a young adult.
0:05:09 – Speaker 1
Little things too, like things you’re like oh, this is common sense. Like don’t bring a grill into the house because that emits carbon monoxide, right, Things like I’m serious though.
0:05:21 – Speaker 2
Like don’t sit in your car with it on in a garage.
0:05:26 – Speaker 1
Things that we are like oh, that’s so common, That’s unhealthy, You know, you could, that could really hurt you. They don’t know that kind of stuff. I love this talking point Don’t ever assume they know. But also be very careful not to be dismissive when you’re talking about these things, because you don’t want to make them feel stupid or like oh my gosh, I should know that. So be careful how you phrase this. Like you know, so it may be like I don’t know if you know this, I was a young adult when I learned it, but never do this or you know kind of thing. When you’re instilling this wisdom or this advice into your kids, you’re going to always be mom or dad. That’s the thing that I have learned Like, yeah, she’s a young adult, Yeah, she’s out living her own life, making her own decisions, But when things get tough or she’s a question, she calls me, she texts me. I’m always going to be mom and you’re always going to be dad. So don’t ever forget that.
0:06:21 – Speaker 2
And I think if we handle it well, you know, like you said, with the right kind of tone, it creates the relationship that they know they can ask any question and you’re not going to embarrass them or make them feel like they are not allowed to ask dumb things, like I can come to mom or dad with anything and they’re just going to answer me and be honest with me. It goes with the whole culture of communication. It doesn’t just have to be important, big questions. It can be things that others might deem silly And I’m still going to answer you and not make you feel shamed.
0:06:52 – Speaker 1
Well, and it’s funny too, because, as a parent, when you get these texts from your kid living outside your home, you’re like, oh my gosh, i failed as a parent. Like the other day I got a text about using the Sam’s Club app and I was like how did? why did I teach this? How?
0:07:04 – Speaker 3
did she? how did she know the scan and go? That is a that is an important feature in our world.
0:07:11 – Speaker 2
It’s a gift from God. scan and go if you don’t know about it, And you go to Sam’s Club after you listen to this research it.
0:07:18 – Speaker 1
The scan and go. I mean, it is life changing for sure. Okay, another thing make sure your kiddo knows about boundaries, And this is about everything. I mean what they have, how to set them with people, how to communicate them with people, how to readjust them if their boundaries change over time. You know, in this, this talks about relationships, the party scene, you know, and I’m not just talking about boyfriend, girlfriend, romantic type stuff, but friendships, all the boundaries that they need to be able to communicate. And again, they’re not going to know how to do this if you haven’t done it over the years. So, but this is a big one with young adults. they need to be able to communicate what they need and what, what their boundary is.
0:08:05 – Speaker 2
And some of these conversations, like you said, when you start when they’re young I know when my kids were little bitty and people would come over to the house and they’d be leaving, we would always say like, is it going to be a hug or a handshake or a high five or just a wave, like giving them those options. If you’re not okay or comfortable with someone touching you, even if it’s a friendly touch, that’s okay And it’s okay to have that boundary. And so starting with something simple like that when they’re young establishes that they have that authority to make decisions for their body and for their life. And so as the conversations get more important and the relationships get more intense, it becomes more natural for them to know how to set those boundaries and have those conversations.
0:08:48 – Speaker 1
And I think this is just so important because you can do this with your five year old and you’re you’re teaching them how to create boundaries, you know, and I’m just going to say also you know we’re talking about relationships and people, but boundaries, too, with with substances alcohol, drugs again, that needs to be an ongoing conversation in your home throughout all the years that they’re exposed to it and they have friends, you know, crossing all those boundaries Again, who are you going to be And what are you going to do?
What does God want you to do in this situation? It’s not don’t use alcohol, don’t use drugs, because they’re bad for you, and it’s my rule, it’s. Is this good and healthy for your body? Is this, you know? do you even want to mess with the possibility of an addiction that could ruin your entire life? It’s those type of big level questions that you’re having throughout the years. But, but you know, as a young adult, they really need to know all the alcohol, like legal consequences, medical consequences, basics, like alcohol content, that sort of thing, how it affects their body if they haven’t eaten, if they have all of those things that we need to be talking about throughout, and then, when you send them off again. We can come back to the trust, what you’ve taught because you’ve had all those conversations throughout the years.
0:10:06 – Speaker 2
And again, you know a good example of that in our household. Like I’ve had some major medical issues over the years and I have to take medication to maintain my health, and so I’m regularly taking medication. And so since my kids were little, that was part of the conversation. This is not normal. This is why mom does this, But you should not be regularly taking pills from anyone. If the doctor prescribes them for an illness or a certain condition, it’s a conversation and a plan, but that shouldn’t be something that’s a part of your everyday life. That you’re just taking a pill or accepting something from a friend That’s not normal. We need to have a conversation about what that looks like. So, using myself as an example, when they’re little, so it’s already on their mind as they get older.
0:10:51 – Speaker 1
I love that. I love that because they just see you taking pills and it’s normal, and so you made it a teachable moment. This is between me and my doctor And it’s because of my health reasons, and this is why I do this. I love that And that’s what we say. By using everyday teachable moments to instill these big level conversations with your kids, and you’re not scaring your kids, you’re just making it a teachable moment. I love that. Another one And this is really cool, because we just had a moment where my daughter actually did this But one of the things that our team said is young adults need to have expectations and goals for themselves, not set by the parents.
Now, again, this should be happening in high school and even late middle school. They should be start making their own goals. It shouldn’t be dictated by you all the time, by us, the parents. They need to be thinking in their mind what do I want to improve this year? What are my five goals going into this next year And then staying accountable to those goals? It’s about them wanting to self-improve themselves, not us dictating to them.
0:11:59 – Speaker 2
I’m going to challenge you on that. Actually, I think you can start younger than middle school. In our household, when they were little, we would say you know, you change the language for the age, but we’d say what’s something that you want to work on or learn or improve upon as you’re getting older? And we started that when they were like pre-K, kindergarten, And so they’re already having that mindset so that the conversations get more detailed and pointed when they’re in middle school And it becomes a part of their growth, their personal growth. So I think it’s something that we can instill really young. That’s super helpful for them.
0:12:35 – Speaker 1
Well, what you’re doing is you’re teaching your kid to be their own advocate, like, think for themselves, like, how do I need to grow as a person? And they go in with that knowledge of us modeling for them. Not everybody’s perfect, we’re all flawed, we’re all working on something. So it’s not about, like, making them feel bad about something, but it’s like hey, we’re all in this together, we all got stuff to work on. What are you going to work on? This is what I’m working on, kind of thing.
0:12:57 – Speaker 2
And it can be what we might think is silly when they’re young, but encourage that. Like my son, you know, when he was little might have said something about sports Like I want to throw better or I want to be faster, and that’s great, that’s a great start And it really ties into that lifelong piece. That’s, you know, a cornerstone of nextTalk. Looking in the mirror, like that’s. Like the first step of creating a culture of open communication in your home is always looking in the mirror, like what am I doing that might be making this difficult in my house for my kids to come to me, and so how cool is it that we get to instill that in our kids So it’s a lifelong part of their process.
0:13:35 – Speaker 1
Amen, sister, amen. You know, I had a really cool thing happen to me recently. You know kids at college, so she kept texting dad and I saying, hey, we need a FaceTime, we need a FaceTime And typically it’s an on the wind FaceTime, so I just have to drop what I’m doing, whatever I mean I can be doing.
0:13:52 – Speaker 3
I can be getting ready to go to bed and I will sit out in the car and take the FaceTime, because it’s.
0:13:58 – Speaker 1
you know, you just got to take advantage of the times that they call home which, by the way, parents, when your kid moves out, you need to talk about that the expectation of how often you’re going to see each other. When are we going to check in? Because what you don’t want to happen And I found myself falling into this is I thought she would call more often than she was going to and she did it first.
She did it first, but then she settled into her little life and she was loving it, and so I have found the best way to communicate with them is on Snapchat, because I’ll get a snap but I won’t get a text. So that’s just a little bit of information that I’ve learned, but anyway, i had. so she was like texting us saying we need a FaceTime, like it was serious, and we were like, okay, okay, so we arranged a time and she literally was like Hey, i want to travel abroad, it’s going to be this amount of money And I got a job.
0:14:59 – Speaker 3
You guys, she got a job without even asking me or telling me.
0:15:05 – Speaker 1
I got a job and I can pay for this much. Could you guys help with this much? You know to go on this thing And she’s laying it all out for us. I mean she has like solid numbers and you know all in her calculations And on this.
0:15:20 – Speaker 3
FaceTime I just start crying, I just start crying And she’s like what’s wrong?
0:15:25 – Speaker 1
What’s wrong, You don’t want me to travel abroad And I was like this is it, baby? You’re doing it. You are being a young adult, You are figuring life out, You are making goals for yourself and you are making a plan to make those goals happen. I am so proud of you. Like how could I say no to that right?
0:15:45 – Speaker 2
Yeah, that’s so cool.
0:15:47 – Speaker 1
But again, like you said, kim, i think it started really early with us having these conversations about her pushing herself. And I mean, i remember when she was in middle school she wanted a bunny and she put together a whole PowerPoint presentation about what that was going to look like and what she was going to do and the goals she had and how she was going to pay for certain things. You know that travel abroad conversation that happened as a young adult, that just happened like a couple of weeks ago. That started with, like, the middle school bunny and the other goals that we’ve consistently made her set through the years. But it’s really cool to see as a parent, that they’re doing their own thing.
0:16:24 – Speaker 2
Oh my gosh, I mean that’s the goal. They took what you taught and they made it their own. I mean that is really cool to see, for sure.
0:16:32 – Speaker 1
Yeah, so they need to have expectations and goals for themselves. you know, not set by us, but on the flip side of this also why we’re talking about expectations, i also want to put in, like we need to talk about expectations for things like who’s paying for car insurance, how long and when, who’s paying for the cell phone, how long and when. you know, like I said before, when are we checking base with each other? What are the big things you’re talking in with me about? You know we just did a show about the different phases of communication and this is independence. But if you’re still helping pay for a lot of things, you’re still touching base on that financial part especially.
0:17:13 – Speaker 2
Be clear on that. You know, not just a kind of casual conversation Like we talked a lot about that, like on the go casual conversations. This is not one of those. You need it to be clear and laid out so it doesn’t cause a weird tension and arguments Like they need to know what your expectation is, what you’re bringing to the table, what they’re bringing to the table. This is one of those things that has to be clear.
0:17:41 – Speaker 1
And so for us too, like just for you know how college is getting paid for, we have a spreadsheet and we updated every semester and it shows, like her scholarships, what we’re contributing and what she’s contributing. Every semester She writes a check, we write a check, and so we go through what that looks like with her. There’s a very clear expectations on what she has to do when it’s due. That’s a whole conversation, but you need to talk about expectations generally, about everything, not just the financial end, but that is a big part of it, that’s a big component of the expectation thing.
0:18:18 – Speaker 2
Oh, i think a good one that’s a part of this conversation too is visiting and holidays. Yeah, because I remember that in college arguments and missed expectations with my friends and their parents. When the parents thought if you even have a day off, you’re coming home, right, you know? or they would be surprised if their kid wanted to bring someone home a friend, a boyfriend they were like what, this is our time. So even that is really important to talk through and it might change. It will change, but having that dialogue about what expectations are upfront and then continually revisiting it as they change is so helpful.
0:18:58 – Speaker 1
Yeah, i mean parents. You cannot get your feelings hurt if your kid comes home and visits and they, yes, they’ll go to dinner with you, but the next night they want to meet up with high school friends or their old friends from this air or whatever, like that’s part of their life. And so you know. You’ve just got to communicate about the schedule and come up with a plan together About those expectations. I think that is so important, kim.
0:19:22 – Speaker 2
The other thing is So one of the things that we started pretty young in our household to prepare our kids for being young young adults Is talking about money, and this can be really difficult and a marriage I mean, it’s the number one cause for divorce. Talking about money is a big deal, and the sooner we can do it with our kids The better, and so that can look like a lot of different things. Teaching them about budgets is so imperative. What is a budget? What does it look like? How do I do it? um, creating a budget with them on just very simple things, like for our kids when they were little, we started with give, save and spend, and so every time they got money, we would walk them through those steps like here’s your tithe money, here’s your save money and here’s your spending money, and explaining what those are and them getting used to that process.
So it’s like now that they’re a little bit older, it’s just something that they do. They don’t even think about it. Then you know, setting a bank account, that’s something that a lot of times, if you wait till the last minute, that can be so overwhelming, but if you start when they’re young and they learn what, and they learn what a debit card is a credit card, is how to balance their checking account, how to Look at that monthly. I mean, those are all some really important skills that can make that transition so much easier, if that’s not another thing they’re trying to learn last minute. Um, so, having those money management conversations, i think it’s just so critical.
0:20:49 – Speaker 1
Well and and as they get older, when you build on that, because one of the main big things is Getting them to understand how interest works. So if they are taking out a student loan, that needs to be in an excel spreadsheet So they see over time you’re gonna pay this much money, but it’s only gonna pay the principal down this amount and it’s gonna take you that many years to pay that off. So they know what they’re getting into when they sign these student loan debt.
I think so many kids that I know of are signing these loan debts and they have no idea What kind of payment they’re gonna have at the end of their college or schooling or whatever kind of Certification they’re getting. That it has to happen Early, and I mean throughout middle school and high school. You need to be talking about that. If you also need to incorporate into this the IRA, the stock market, like how that works and how interest compounding on savings Can help you build wealth versus the interest on a student loan and how that sucks on life out of you And you could never get paid off like.
I know that from personal experience with my student loans right that we had to tackle. So so all of these things. They need to understand how mortgage works. You need to explain all of this stuff with them, you know, with your young adult. They need to understand rent versus mortgage and the what, what the difference is and what your savings, and that needs to all be Communicated to them, because these are things that aren’t taught in school But they’re very important for life skills and as your kid navigates, what you don’t want them to do is start taking out all these credit cards and spending all this money and then not realizing Okay, that taco I bought at 3 am For three dollars really cost me $50 because of all the interest that I paid over it. Like they need, they need a concept of that.
0:22:42 – Speaker 2
And there’s so many cool tools out there.
Like I remember showing our middle schooler about interest if he started at a certain age, my husband walked him through that like, if you just save $20 a month, here’s what that will look like with compounding interest, and he was like Motivated and shocked all in the same breath and excited.
And then something that we did with our young kids that really opened their eyes. About five years ago We had a car loan and so my husband made this cool visual Where he showed what the cost of the car was today and what we would end up paying for it over the course of the loan because of interest, and Every month the kids would color in the payment. And so when, when we paid off the car and they colored in that last box, it was so impactful for them because we talked to them about how that That payment now is money that we can use for something else. So they were excited to reach that goal And they also saw like how long it took and what interest does to the final bill, and that Visual and then being a part of that process, i think really helped them to grasp what it all means. So there’s a lot of cool things you can do with young kids that help prepare them.
0:23:53 – Speaker 1
Well and this goes back, Kim if you’re consistently doing this in your home when they’re little, like you are, when they get older, you’re not going to have trouble with them setting their own goals, because it’s like a part of their DNA now. It’s like their normal culture to kind of do that and look at it off from the perspective and have the knowledge of the interest And know what i’m getting into, and they take out a loan. That’s what we want them to know. All good stuff, the other thing they need to know, even your young adults, and and say this out loud to them If you have challenges, failures, issues, you’re always the safe place to land. Now, you should be this throughout their whole childhood. We just did a show create a safe place, right.
But sometimes when they move out, they feel like, okay, i’m an adult, now I got to figure it out on my own. You have to reassure them. I’m still here, you can still call me at 3 am. I don’t even care if you’ve made a bad choice and you’re in a bad situation And i’m your safe place, like i’m here. I know that as a young adult, your brain is not fully developed yet until you’re 25, that prefrontal cortex And I know there may be stupid mistakes. I’m gonna love you the same. I’m your safe place to figure it out. Whatever happens, like i’m here, i don’t want you to have to deal with all those silly consequences of bad decisions. So I really don’t want you make bad decisions, but if you do and you find yourself in a weird situation, i’m here. I’m always gonna be your place.
0:25:22 – Speaker 2
You know our social media manager Darby. She said recently and she put this in a post like one of the things she loved about her parents is they were always Team Darby. Like she knew they were on her side and on her team, not that they agreed with every decision she made, but that she could count on them to be there for her. And this is a perfect example of that. They need to know that and be reminded of it.
0:25:44 – Speaker 1
Well, and sometimes being on your kid’s team is saying to them Hey, i love you, i’m gonna help you, but this wasn’t a great decision. We really need to talk about that. You know, that’s part of being Team Darby or team whatever your kid’s name is right is that you’re having these real honest conversations with them, but you’re loving them unconditionally, no matter what the other thing. You have an adult. They are moved out of your house. Right, talk to them like adults. When dealing with adult subjects, you’re teaching. You’re saying hey, when I was your age, i discovered this. Do you know about this kind of thing? It’s that don’t expect them to just know, but definitely don’t be dismissive or be like are you stupid? Like why do you not know this? Please don’t talk to your kid like that. I mean, they’re not gonna call home if that’s how we’re interacting with them.
0:26:41 – Speaker 2
Well, and my internal dialogue has to be different than my external dialogue. Like inside I’m like you will always be my baby, like that is. I say that all the time. But I can’t treat them like babies. You know once they leave they’re not your baby anymore. I mean they will always be. But externally and in your communication with them, treat them with the respect of a young adult. That will go a long way for your relationship.
0:27:04 – Speaker 1
Another thing that I think is really important and it was on our list of what our team had mentioned is no path is set in stone. Listen, your kid gets to college. They hate their classes and they realize, oh my gosh, i really love this area of study. Let them change. If your kid goes to college and doesn’t like it and thinks it’s not for them, let them change.
We did an interview with one of our team members’ daughters. She went to college and it wasn’t her path and she wanted to create her own business And it was embracing plan B. Yes, because she thought college was for her and then it wasn’t And her mom and dad had to love her and trust her. They had to trust what they’ve taught. Something’s not right here And then her story’s beautiful.
You should go listen to that show, because then she actually moved home from college and met her future husband. So she wasn’t supposed to be there and she just couldn’t find her friend group, the right friend group, and she was struggling. But you have to listen to your kid. If they are not in the right place, they are going to tell you. Or vice versa, they may not choose college and you may think, ok, great, we don’t have that financial burden. And then they may come to you and say, ok, i really do want to do this. Is there any way you can help me figure this out? So, listening to your kid and realizing they may change, and that’s OK. Their career path may change, where they live, all of that may change, and that’s OK. Like we didn’t plan for study abroad, but here we are. It’s really important to her. She had a plan, so we’re going to figure it out. We’re going to figure this out as a family together.
0:28:43 – Speaker 2
And we want to be clear here. This is not like I remember coming home being like I hate college because it was a stressful day. When we say, listen to your kid, it’s a conversation And you know your kid and they come home and they’re explaining to you. Here’s what’s going on, here’s what I’ve thought through, this is what I’m thinking, and you work through those thoughts with them And it’s not a flash decision. That’s a little bit different. Let them have a bad day. That’s a whole different conversation. But if they really see themselves on a different path, we’re saying don’t dismiss them, hear them out, help them, look at that path and look at all the different parts of that path and come up with a plan so they feel supported and not dismissed because they want to do something different than the original plan A.
0:29:32 – Speaker 1
I think that’s a very good clarification. Kim, a lot of the college groups and parents that I talk to you know when their kids struggle for semester. One of their guidelines is we’ll give it a year, or give it the first semester, because maybe you didn’t find the right friend group the first two months but you got to try different things and get find your people, and I think you’re exactly right. It’s not a whimsical decision, this is a well thought out. And what am I doing next If I’m quitting this? what am I doing next? Because you’re not just quitting and coming home and playing video games, right? What is your plan for your life? And so that’s all a conversation, and that’s about your kids setting their own goals and expectations and coming to you with a plan for sure.
You know, as we wrap up this show, all of these things are like great, but, but there’s a couple things that I have learned in the last couple months that have been personal to me. It’s that look in the mirror piece, kim, as I’m parenting a young adult. One is know your triggers as a parent and make sure that that’s not affecting the relationship with your young adult child. And what I mean by that is when I was a young adult, in college. I had walked away from the faith and I was a partier and I was. It was a. It was a bad situation for me. It was a very bad situation, and so, for me, college and any kind of party or it’s a trigger for me.
0:30:59 – Speaker 3
It brings all that back like, oh my gosh, she’s going to be me at the club. Okay, she’s not me at the club. She’s not me at the club. No, my husband is had to look at me sometimes and said she’s not you at the club.
0:31:15 – Speaker 1
She’s not you, mandy, and and you have to know your triggers, because what we don’t want to do is project our mistakes on them and then we nag them or like want to control their every move. I mean, that is not going to be any kind of good for the relationship. And so if you can process your triggers with your spouse or best friend, that’s what you really need to do, because you are going to have triggers, especially if this time in your life wasn’t a Christ centered time for you and it wasn’t for me, and so all of that is triggering for me, sure, yeah, i mean it’s important to know those triggers throughout their childhood and you know, as your parenting them, because they will come up all through their school years.
0:32:02 – Speaker 2
But once they’re gone, sometimes fear can take over because we feel like we’ve lost all control. So, yes, identify the triggers and then revisit that conversation in your head as your parenting your young adult, because you don’t want to push them away.
0:32:15 – Speaker 1
Well, and I want to say we’ve you said we’ve lost all control. Here’s the thing if you’re parenting the nextTalk way, you never have control because it’s it’s all about the open communicate. You’re not trying to control your kid, You’re not trying to dictate to your kid. You’re trying to push your kid into the Holy Spirit and what God has for your kid, And so you don’t have to control. You’re just trying to push your kid into that relationship and so they can listen to God and discern for themselves.
0:32:42 – Speaker 2
And they got that we’re not God. I mean that really seriously we are not God, and that is a good thing.
0:32:49 – Speaker 1
So sometimes my daughter will call me from college, right, and she’ll say, well, okay, this person wants to room with me next year, or this person wants to room with what do you think I should do? And I’m like baby, i’m not God, i’m not sure. Let’s talk through the pros and cons list, you know. like, what do you think? What do you think about this person? What be very careful about just jumping on a bandwagon and saying, well, you need to do this. I know this person’s mom and this is who you need to room with. and da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Like we don’t know, or you think I should date this person, or you think I should date that person. Like I’m not God, like I’m not quite sure. here I can talk with you through. like, what do you like? What do you don’t like, what are red flags? Like we can talk through all of that on your safe place.
But I think sometimes, as a parent for a young adult, we get these little glimpses into their life, where they call us and they want advice and we want to give really solid advice. So sometimes I feel like we push ourselves into this space where it’s not our space, like we are not. we’re not quite sure what God is doing right now, in this moment with this person or this roommate or what, or this friendship or whatever, and so just be careful, make sure your words are filled with the Holy Spirit, make sure you’re giving your kid the right advice. That is one that I’m consistently when I hang up the phone, i like kind of check myself with things on what.
0:34:12 – Speaker 2
I’ve what I’ve told her. So one of the things that I’ve been telling myself lately that kind of plays into this space and that I hope to get better at, is I want to give direction versus dictation. Like I want to direct my kid towards making their own decision instead of dictating what they need to do. And so I’m constantly saying that in my head lately, because I tend to want to be just like do this and you’re right, we’re not God And we know what’s good, but we may not always know what’s best, And so prayerfully answering our kids in a way that gives them guidance, I think is really important.
0:34:49 – Speaker 1
Direction versus dictating. That is gold right there And that is really powerful, kim, and it speaks into. You say it perfectly way better than what I was trying to say, and I like that a lot. You guys, i hope this show helps you. It will help you navigate from high school to a young adult phase, but we also hope there’s lots of nuggets here for parents of younger kids about what you can do now, because when your kid does move out, you want to be able to trust what you’ve taught, and what that means is. The conversation starts today. Thank you so much for joining us, listening and sharing our podcast. Because of you, this show is in the top 5% of over 2.9 million podcasts.
0:35:34 – Speaker 2
We have lots of resources for you, from counseling to live events. Or if you have a show idea or a question for our team, visit our website at nextTalk.org. We’d love to hear from you.
0:35:45 – Speaker 1
At nextTalk. We’re more than cyber parenting. It’s conversations to connect.
0:35:50 – Speaker 3
This podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.
Transcribed by https://podium.page