0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:30 – Speaker 2
Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 1
Today we’re talking about owning our mistakes. That sounds awful. It’s gonna hurt. Pretty sure this is your idea. Yeah, it’s gonna be a fun one, but you know it’s so important to teach our kids to own up and admit when they get it wrong.
0:00:49 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think the first part of the show will be a little bit easier, because we’re talking about our kids mistakes.
0:00:54 – Speaker 1
That’s true, the end of the show may hurt a little bit more, then we’ll circle back to maybe the one or two times.
0:01:01 – Speaker 3
How we have to model this.
0:01:03 – Speaker 1
Just a little bit.
0:01:05 – Speaker 3
So I had a light bulb moment recently Okay, a new light bulb moment And I remember texting you and you were like oh, this is something right here, so good.
So I have my son’s permission to share this, but we all know, if you’ve been following us for any amount of time, my son loves to game. Yes, he’s a gamer, and it’s one of the things that I, as a parent, am just more alert with with him. Sure, he doesn’t care about having social media, he doesn’t care about anything but gaming He’s this thing, he’s in it.
I mean he literally says he wants to be an app developer, sometimes Yeah, and that I need to let him game so he can learn Like that’s a little bit tricky, i know right. So, anyway, he plays Fortnite and we have all these you know rules in place to make sure he’s safe on Fortnite, and one of them is he can only play and talk on his headset to people he knows in real life, you know so, like his friends from school or church or wherever.
0:01:57 – Speaker 1
Make sure you catch that people he knows in real life, in real, real friends.
0:02:01 – Speaker 3
Absolutely. And now you know, fortnight, if you know anything about it, you’re dropped on an island with a hundred people. So you’re going to be playing with people who you don’t know, but he’s not allowed to talk on the headset with those people. You’re only talking with those people And there’s also you can do do those and do squads, and that’s like your team of people where you’re connecting on the headset because you’re saying get that guy, get that guy Yeah.
So, again, that’s only the people he knows in real life. So he was playing Fortnite and there was this kid that wanted to play with him and three of his friends And, according to my son, this kid is sweaty. Do you know what that means?
0:02:37 – Speaker 1
because I had no idea what that meant Yes, it means you’ve been in the sun, and no sweating and you’re smelly and gross. I don’t want to play with gross people, i mean the slang word for it. No, i had no idea. I don’t know. I had no idea.
0:02:51 – Speaker 3
And I was like dude, he literally was like he’s sweaty and I was like, what does that mean? And he’s like mom, he’s like a diehard, like he’s so good, like he’s sweaty, like he is amazing, like he’s a try hard. So I want to be sweaty. So it’s almost like you’re super competitive and you’re good. Right, yeah, you’re sweaty, let’s be sweaty. He’s so sweaty.
0:03:14 – Speaker 1
0:03:15 – Speaker 3
And so I was like, ok, but anyway, he he has three friends like booted this guy out of the game because he was sweaty, interesting, and they were in creative mode. And in creative mode on Fortnite you’re playing against each other, so you’re all trying to kill each other. You’re not on a team. You’re not on a team, ok, it’s not a squad or a duo or anything like that, it’s creative mode. And so he was like he would have killed us all, like he’s so good. So they kind of booted him out, right, well, they booted him out, but they didn’t explain why they booted him out. Ok, so that happened. Well, a couple hours later he got a message from this kid and it said F, u, b. It had all the words spelled out. There was no asterix or any. It was spelled out, right, wow. And so my son reported him to Fortnite like with four bad language, ok, fortnite then suspended his account for 48 hours Wow That he could not message anybody for 48 hours because he was using that language.
which yay, fortnite, yes. I was like yay, they’re actually taking it seriously, right And so. But then what transpired after that was a little scary, ok. So then the kid contacted some of my my son’s friends and was like I’m so mad at him, i’m getting him like I’m out to get. So it was like a threatening kind of term.
And he didn’t say what that? in my mom brain that means like I’m going to beat you up, like that’s what I heard. You know, boy. Yes, like first day of school is coming at, we are going. Yes, i’m going to beat your head in the ground. That’s what mom of a bear was to take you out in the streets.
Yes, So, anyway, so my dear son comes and he tells me everything is happening Right, and I’m I’m like For a minute, like all I wanted to do was like, well, this kid is crazy, you know like we got to get in there Protect your son, and an old Mandy would have done that. Old Mandy would have been like this kid’s a bully, i don’t want you hanging out with him like this is wrong, mm-hmm. And new Mandy is doing what I’m always tell everybody else to do. I paused and prayed, yeah, and I took a minute, right, and, and so the next day I circled back and I said look, son, can we talk about this? because it was bugging my son. I mean he, obviously, and he likes this kid. I mean their friends, they were in the same circles, right. And so I Said listen, son, what he said to you was absolutely wrong. There’s no way anybody should talk to anybody else like that. That was wrong. But do you think in any way that you could have contributed to him getting angry at you?
Hmm, and I just asked that question and he’s like well, he probably felt like rejected because we didn’t want to play with them. And I’m like but why didn’t you want to play with him and he was like cuz, he’s so good, he’s sweaty, he’s sweaty. And I said did you tell him that, cuz? maybe he would have perceived it differently Had he just not felt rejected, right?
And it was like the light bulb went off in my son’s head and what was so cool is I gave him like I just said, you know, if I were in your shoes, maybe I would try and make contact with him and just be like dude, i’m sorry. Like we didn’t want to play with you because you’re so good and we didn’t all want, we didn’t want you to kill us, all. You know, on fortnight, yeah, and I said maybe that will like break down the barriers, because right now you guys are just like at it, you’re mad at each other, right? And so what? this is when I was texting you. So like the next day And anytime, my son is gaming, the doors are open and I can hear what’s going on, you know, and I was I heard him apologize And I heard him say like he was using my words, that I told him, which was super sweet to hear, you know.
and then I heard the guy say to him I shouldn’t have said those words, i’m so sorry too. and then they were fine, like they’re they’re friends again. It’s done, it’s no big deal, but it was a moment for me Because I really wanted to dig my heels in and be like dude, you are not going to talk to anybody like that. You are wrong and I don’t care what led up to it. You are wrong. I’m gonna call your mama, yes, but In I mean, i just really felt like God pressing me into show your son how to break down barriers with people.
and he did play a role in this. Like the guy felt rejected, right, and so he had to own that. Not that he was responsible for his behavior, he shouldn’t have said it again. And I reiterate that again and again to my son Nothing excuses anybody to talk to somebody like that. But can you just see how this situation escalated so quickly And it was just a big teachable moment for our whole family, and you know. and then my daughter chimed in and she’s like I see this all day with girls.
0:08:10 – Speaker 2
you know, and all this stuff, you know.
0:08:12 – Speaker 3
But they’re friends now, everything’s cool. I asked my son if I could share this story and he’s like sure, nobody knows what you’re talking about. We’re buds, it’s fine, i love that so much.
0:08:21 – Speaker 1
It’s such a great example because, on so many different levels but don’t you find that, especially with our kids, we just want to protect them, we want to stand up for that. Our go to is like it can’t be, my baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. Oh, my gosh, you have been offended and we want to step in that space and fix it for them or cover them, and then we miss out on what God’s really trying to show them through us.
0:08:46 – Speaker 3
Well, and I love that you said that, because when I was talking to my older teen daughter about it and we, you know, we were talking about what happened and everything And I was like it was kind of like this light bulb moment for me. She’s like mom I see this all day long with my friends and the moms don’t everything. Their kid does anything wrong. Yes, like we think our kid is perfect and they’re not contributing to it at all. And she’s like nine times out of 10 when I’m saying is the both parties are contributing in some way? And she said one escalates it to where it shouldn’t be, but there’s still some sort of contributing factor in there, and this is going to sting a little bit.
0:09:20 – Speaker 1
But guess who else sees this? all day long, teachers in our schools. They see the same thing happening all. They’re never.
0:09:28 – Speaker 3
It’s never part of the responsibility of the kids.
0:09:32 – Speaker 1
It’s never my kids, it’s never my kids fault, and so it’s just. I think, culturally we want to step in and cover our kids. We want them to be perfect and we struggle with that. And yet this beautiful lesson that you were able to walk through with your family, i mean that’s life changing, and think about all the relationships that that will save down the line.
0:09:50 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think it’s just good to for us to realize like our kids make mistakes and they’re they’re little, they’re trying to figure out how to live and be in relationship with people and how to communicate, And it’s natural for them to get it wrong sometimes, And we have to remember there are always two sides to every story.
0:10:08 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, and we tell people that all the time, but in our own home sometimes we forget that. And I just want to be real, real here. I do this a lot with my kids And they don’t always like it. Sometimes. They just want me to be on their side, they just want me to stand up for them, and so it’s okay to say that, like I am not not on your side, i’m not here standing with you, i’m just saying let’s look at this from all angles and see is there anything we’ve contributed to it?
0:10:33 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and I think that’s like the starting point And it’s a situation that’s ongoing, Like if this continues to be an issue and my son has gone and apologized for his behavior and it continues to then there’s a situation. It’s totally that that is now turning into a real bullying situation. That needs to be handled accordingly, where we fight for our kid no matter what, But we’re talking about these just. I mean my kids. Never had a run in with this kid before.
You know this is a one time incident, So I was like Whoa, what’s happening?
0:11:02 – Speaker 1
And how great that you could step into that and speak into that at this first time.
0:11:07 – Speaker 3
Well, and I feel like it could have spiraled really into something crazy, into a bullying situation on either side of it. you know where they because they were button heads, and so it was just a good teachable moment for me and all of us.
0:11:20 – Speaker 1
Well, and it can be you know, you step into this situation with your kids and helping them see what they contributed to it and owning their own mistakes, and also with your spouse, and hopefully your spouse with you. And I will tell you one of the things I tell my husband all the time when he comes home and he’s flustered or what I’m flustered I’m the flustery one.
0:11:39 – Speaker 2
0:11:39 – Speaker 1
My husband just goes to mad And he’ll be telling me a story and I listen and you know timing’s important.
0:11:45 – Speaker 3
You don’t want to say right away what did you do to play a part in this? Like that’s not cool.
0:11:49 – Speaker 1
But after he’s simmered down a little bit and we’re in that space, i always ask him I’m like, what do you think happened from their point of view? Like how do you think they saw this situation? And that takes him a minute to kind of think about it. And then sometimes he comes up with stuff And then I always ask him I’m like, babe, what pick? what package did you deliver it in? Because sometimes what he’s saying is truth, yeah, or it’s, you know, honest or whatever, but the way he delivers it is not that great.
0:12:17 – Speaker 3
Well, and sometimes people just hear something different. You know we have trigger words and sometimes we don’t realize we’re saying something and it triggers somebody into emotional yes, And that you have to think about that as well, it’s all those things.
0:12:30 – Speaker 1
just looking at, how could I play a part in this that I may not even know I’m triggering someone, or I may not even know that I delivered the package in a weird way. It’s just that self reflective point that we’re going to dive into a little bit more to If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk radio at 2pm on AM 6 30.
0:12:47 – Speaker 3
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0:13:10 – Speaker 2
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0:13:43 – Speaker 1
Today we’re talking about owning your mistakes, which is super fun when you’re talking about yourself, but we’re not there yet. Yeah, we’re still talking about our kids and our spouse. That’s the same place. My husband does all the wrong things not me, You know.
0:13:54 – Speaker 3
But right before the break, Kim, you said something that I thought was really important, that we need to actually emphasize again. You said in the moment when they’re frustrated, that’s not what we’re talking about, Not when I question them or say how did you contribute to this, Because at that moment you just kind of need to fill their pain. Let them get the emotions out of whatever they’re venting about. Let those emotions. A counselor always says when your emotions are to 10, don’t try to respond. Your emotions have to come down to a two or three. One of our guest counselors said that once you get back there, then you can have some conversations about how did you deliver it. I think that was your question. How do you deliver that?
0:14:35 – Speaker 1
Yes, What package did you deliver that in? Because my husband sometimes will say something honest, but the way he says it comes across wrong, abrupt.
0:14:43 – Speaker 3
Abrupt. That’s how my husband is, or judgy.
0:14:46 – Speaker 1
And I’m like I would have received it like this. And I’ll tell him this is how I would feel if you said that to me. And he’s like what? But I’m so glad you said that, because I learned that the hard way And I’d like to say it was in the beginning of my marriage, but it was probably just a few years ago that one day my husband turned to me. He’s like it is okay for me to be mad, and I was like you know what? He’s right? Yeah, because sometimes I feel like it’s okay for me to be sad. And he’d be like why are you so sad about that?
0:15:11 – Speaker 3
And I’m like you’re dismissive of it. I’m dismissive of it.
0:15:13 – Speaker 1
You’re dismissive of it, i’m dismissing the emotion. Yes, so you are right Sitting in that and letting them feel that your kids and your husband mad, sad, angry, whatever it is And, when the timing is right, coming back and saying, hey, maybe. How did you play a role in this? What was your part? Yeah, or finding a way to get them to kind of look in the mirror.
0:15:32 – Speaker 3
So important And we talked about, you know, pressing them into figuring out, admitting their faults, their role, how they contributed. But we also have to be extremely careful with this, and so here’s like a big red caution flag We have to be encouraging more than we’re correcting them. This is important. If, all day long, all you’re doing is talking to your kids and your husband about how they could have done things better, they’re never gonna want to talk to anybody like who? wants to be around that It’s so true and this comes straight from the Bible.
I love verse the Salonians 5 11. It says encourage one another and build each other up. Hebrews 3 13 says encourage one another daily. Like we have to encourage more than we correct.
0:16:18 – Speaker 1
Yeah yeah, it’s hard because a lot of times you know we’re walking along and these things happen and We immediately want to go to why. Why are you doing that? or you know, maybe you could have done this a different way.
0:16:32 – Speaker 3
So here’s kind of where I go into this. So if it’s something done to me, like if my kid has sass with me or tone or whatever, mm-hmm, i give it a day or so because I want to see. I want to see if the spirit talks to them. The only way I get involved, like right away, is if it’s a situation that could escalate, like the fortnight situation, like in my mind I literally thought, oh my gosh, there could be a fight erupt out of this.
I gotta get in there and fix this or, you know, help, give my kids some tips. But and when it’s done to me, i give it a minute and then that way maybe they can correct themselves. And I will tell you with my older daughter, most of the time she comes back to me, i don’t have to say it anymore, like I don’t have to say how did you contribute to this problem? Give her six or seven and where she’ll come back and she’ll be like oh, i’m really sorry about the tone this morning. I didn’t mean it the way I said it.
0:17:26 – Speaker 1
You know what I mean, like something like that, because, yeah, i think that’s that groundwork that you laid, you know, years ago, where you began having these conversations, and so now she’s at that point where it really sunk in and she’s doing it on her own, she’s admitting her own mistakes and then what’s?
0:17:40 – Speaker 3
great is I don’t ever have to correct. Well, i mean, you know, in those situations when she comes back, and then I can just encourage and be, like how awesome of you to one take Responsibility and come back and apologize. Like I’m so proud of you. It’s a good space to be and then it’s back into that encouraging, but it takes a long time to get there, takes a lot of conversations to get there. It does.
0:18:00 – Speaker 1
And you know, i find with my younger kids that a lot of times they feel kind of called out, you know, because they’re still in that age where we’re still setting a lot of boundaries, so there’s a lot of correcting and a lot of that going on. So sometimes, you know, i give it a little time and then I try to empathize with them And that’s how I kind of start that conversation And I share a story that they can relate to and I like to use examples where I was the one who was wrong with my kids, so they know exactly what that feels like well and that you make mistakes too.
Yes, exactly, you’re not perfect either. Exactly. So I try to use examples where they were on the receiving end of feeling bad. We’re like I had the bad tone, or I went into crazy mom mode, or I did something, not so. And there and I’m like remember how you felt when they’re like, yes, we don’t like that mom. And so they remember that feeling and I’m like do you think maybe that’s what happened in your situation When you responded this way? and so with younger kids, i think that helps a lot is just Reminding them of how that feels and putting yourself in that, that hot seat for them. So it’s more of an empathy instead of just a correction.
0:19:05 – Speaker 3
I really like that for the younger kids And you know, with my son he’s not 12 and so, with this fortnight example, what I did was I went to him after I prayed and processed and I was, you know, not excited about it anymore, i’m just about anymore. I went to him and said, honey, listen, and I always started it out. I always started out like this I love you the same, yeah, and we’re all still learning.
0:19:25 – Speaker 1
0:19:26 – Speaker 3
But how do you think you maybe could have handled this differently So it didn’t cause all the frustration on the other kids in? yeah yeah, and just real easy. It’s not like I don’t like shame him. I don’t say you’re so stupid like never do. It’s just like I want to help you figure this out, kind of thing, and so I think that the way we approach it is huge.
0:19:50 – Speaker 1
Yeah, it really is, and I think sometimes too you know We were talking earlier about wanting to you stand in that gap and take your kids side and protect and cover them, even when they may be playing a role in the problem. But I think you know my a good example of that sometimes they haven’t done anything wrong, but we can teach them to take the higher road anyway. Yeah, that’s true too, and that’s something that happens a lot again with younger kids because they’re so reactive. I mean, the other day I hear like yelling in the living room which is normal in my house because I have little people and My seven-year-old is like yelling at my five-year-old and she’s yelling back and I’m like what’s going on? and He has special people. Now We can’t call them animals or toys.
0:20:39 – Speaker 3
They are his people and it’s a blanket Okay, and I thought they were imaginary friends. No, they’re objects, it’s lambion, ellie and blanket.
0:20:47 – Speaker 1
Okay, it’s a little lamb, a little, but that’s, that’s his tribe. That’s his tribe. Yeah, don’t mess with his tribe. Okay.
0:20:53 – Speaker 3
I had them.
0:20:54 – Speaker 1
We had them before he was born.
We have a couple of those even at 12, like we still have a couple of you don’t touch don’t touch it, like we know you, things are going going out in the street if you touch the tribe.
So anyway, i guess they were sitting on the couch and my little girl, laid on them And, not thinking, just like, threw herself on the couch and he came over and he just lost it on her, yeah, and was like pulling it out and like get off, you know, going crazy. And so she lost it back on him and she went crazy. now He didn’t do anything wrong in the sense that he didn’t hit her or anything like that, but he yelled at her, yeah, in that moment, and she was the one who sat on his stuff. and so, you know, when they calmed down, we circled back and I said, listen, i want you to just imagine what might have happened if you came over and noticed she was sitting on your tribe And instead of losing your mind, you just said, hey, do you think you could move over so I could have my special friends back? Yeah, and he’s like, well, i guess she probably would have just moved and I wouldn’t have to lose my mind.
I was like Isn’t that crazy how that works. And he’s like I just never thought about doing that. And it was just a funny conversation. But I told him I’m like man, you got to learn to take the Jesus road. Yeah, like, just be patient and kind in your response, because sometimes the way that you react to a situation causes the situation. Nobody really did anything wrong, but it became a problem because of your words And so sometimes nothing bad has happened, but we can teach our kids to take the higher road.
0:22:21 – Speaker 3
Well, and if we can learn this lesson, it saves us so much drama in our life. I mean, just this is a perfect example of how there would have been no drama There would have been none, It just would have.
0:22:30 – Speaker 1
they would have figured it out. Yes, it’s all in how we respond, sometimes Absolutely.
0:22:34 – Speaker 3
So this last point that I want to talk about, this is that this is the ouch.
Yes, live your life as an example. Yeah, you got to own your own mistakes. Yeah, oh, this is hard. Yeah, but I will tell you I feel like that’s why my daughter is doing a better job of owning her stuff. Yeah, it’s because she’s literally seeing me own my stuff.
Yeah, and what I mean by that is, you know, a couple of years ago I just there was this moment where I was talking to my son and I was just trying to tell him something, but I could feel myself like it was a tone, it was like a condom sending, almost like you’re stupid. But I didn’t say that. You said it with your eyes and your tongue And my tongue right, and I could see the look in his eye that it hurt him And I still kind of get teared at when I think about it. And that night I went to my husband and I was like, oh my gosh, like I think I had this tone about me And I told him what happened with my son And he kind of smiled And I was like have you lived with this for 20 years? And he kind of smiled again And I just felt horrible And he was like I love you the same.
That’s like a thing that we always say. You know, he’s like we all have our quirks around here, we all have our struggles. But the next day we were at Costco and I was like I told my whole family I struggle with tone Like we were having pizza at the Costco food court And this is something that I have to work on. Like I don’t realize I’m doing it, but I get irritated and frustrated and it just comes out and I don’t mean to be condescending And since then, like it was just crazy how much now my kids, when they’re struggling with something, they’ll say it, they’ll admit it. Now You set the example And it just took. It took me being humble which is awful to say that I wasn’t humble before But it takes us walking in humility and saying we mess up too.
0:24:35 – Speaker 1
So true, and you know this has been a life-changing thing for my husband and I. Recently, in fact, coming up, my husband and I have this show we’re going to record. I’m really excited about it. We’re going to share the struggle that we’ve walked through for years with money, and just recently we began to pray this prayer Lord, show me my role in this, show me my what. Am I contributing to this problem? Because it’s so easy to think it’s your spouse or this other person, and God did just this huge work in our marriage and through our finances, and it has changed everything. And so, being humble, sharing your story, being transparent in your struggles I was wrong, i didn’t know. Please help me, please forgive me Those kind of statements. It’s life-changing and it sets this example for our kids that they can carry into their life.
0:25:21 – Speaker 3
So, one, teach your kids to own their mistakes. Two, encourage more than we point out what they did wrong. And three, live our life as an example. Own our own mistakes.
0:25:33 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, The Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page