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nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
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Are you ready for the nextTalk?
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Today we’re doing a show called Overcoming Overprotectiveness.
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This should be a colorful show.
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Do you hear who that is? That’s not Kim. That’s my husband, matt. He is joining us on the show today. Just me, i’m in the studio with him. You can probably imagine why I have him here. If we’re having a show on overprotectiveness, we may step on some toes. Today, this is something that we need to do. A disclaimer right off the bat We are learning this new every day, this overprotectiveness and how to handle it. Let me give you a story to kick this off, as to why the show is even happening. You’re smiling at me.
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I’m just sitting here ready to get the show going. I don’t know what’s going on.
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He’s ready to go.
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Ready to debate is what he looks like These are not boxing gloves. I’m going to take these off. I’m going to set them under the desk.
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We have a daughter going into her sophomore year. Last year, as a freshman, she came to us and she had been invited to a party.
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She’s my little honey bear.
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In Matt’s defense, let me just say we’re learning to let go and not be overprotective with our first child. That’s hard, just with your first child, whether it’s a boy or a girl, i feel like. I know this is going to sound sexist, but adding a girl on top of it, with that whole daddy-daughter protectiveness thing, it’s like two double whammy’s for Matt to have to deal with.
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For those of you that are probably my age or maybe a little older, you remember Bob Carlisle’s Butterfly Kisses song and it’s going through your mind right now.
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Even before you had kids, right? No, When I was pregnant. I remember you saying oh my gosh, this song.
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No, no, no. We’re going to cut that out of it. We’re going to cut that out Okay.
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so our daughter as a freshman last year came to us and she was like I’ve been invited to this party. She came to me actually because she kind of knows to start with me. I think You’re laughing.
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Come on, let’s go.
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And I’ve been invited to this party, and I said okay, who’s going to be there? You know what day, what time, tell me about what you’re doing. And she said, well, you know, there’s going to be some juniors and seniors there, and it’s a whole mix of people, and she explained the dynamic of the group, and you know, parents were going to be home and all the things right. Well, i will tell you, i’m not really the overprotective parent. I mean, i am, but I’ve really gotten better about letting go and trusting God with this, like I’ve really improved, and so my gut reaction, though, was I went to my high school parties and what happened at my high school parties And y’all know that there’s a lot of stuff I’m not proud of as a teenager And so, like, i started having conversations with her about, like, what are you going to do if alcohol is there, or what are you going to do if people start using drugs, or what if other kids are having sex?
Like, what are you going to do? You know, like I’m like I’m having calm conversations, but in my mind, that’s where I went right, and Matt, of course, didn’t know any of this was happening, and so we talked it through, and you know I really she’s proven herself to me and the company that she hangs around And I’ve seen this play out. And so at the end of these conversations and how we talked about drugs and alcohol and sex and we talked about all the things, i felt really confident and I thought, well, yeah, she’s going to go like I want her to go right. But I couldn’t say yes because we hadn’t even talked to dad yet. So I came to Matt and by myself and we talked it over and I explained to him all the stuff. And what was your reaction? I think, after I had laid it all out for you and talked about all the great conversations we had had, how did you shut me down, like, do you remember what you said?
I think I just said no, There may have been a word in front of it, opposite of heaven, that you used with me. like that, we may not be able to say anything.
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Oh, come on, I’m sure that wouldn’t fit in my vocabulary.
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It was a hard. No, just put it like that. It was an aggressive, built up tension. No, that came out of your mouth, and so tell me how you felt, tell me, tell me what was running through your mind, because in my mind I had done the responsible parenting thing and having the difficult conversations about what she would do if something word went go wrong. What were you hearing? Were you just caught up in my daughter, a freshman, and there are going to be a senior guy there, or senior guys and no?
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Well, yeah, I mean, just like one of my good friends says, we’re guardian, his daughter, you know, and the idea of dating and that you know that is, you know, we know how guys think, right, And so So because you thought badly about girls when you were that age, I think badly.
Well, not badly, but but you thought they were hot and you, you saw them as when I look at, when I look at my daughter right She I don’t see her as a 15 year old. I see her in the pictures, you know, as the baby that I’m taking care of.
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That’s laying on your chest sleeping. That’s the little girl you see.
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Yeah, that’s right That you know just whatever she wants. you know, it’s that that daddy daughter thing And of course the daddy daughter dances and everything else. And so I you know the mature side of me honestly understands that these types of things are important. Generations of dads have experienced this, some successfully, some not so successfully. Look, the emotional side of me says no, nothing’s not going to happen. protect, protect, protect, right. But the rational side of me that you help bring out as a team here recognizes that that these are things that we need to parent. We need to proactively parent these things and we utilize the nextTalk methodologies of having true, sincere, nothing’s off the table, open conversations with our daughter and son about these very things. So it’s important. It’s important. I think it was actually helpful that our daughter understood why I had some anxiety about this, not just that I wasn’t saying no, for no sake, i was saying no, you know, and a lot it really is about me. and that’s where I recognized okay, i need to take a step back.
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I think so. Moms and dads listening. I think what Matt said was a very important point, because I refer to it as crazy mom mode responding with emotions, right And going off the handle and getting emotional. Matt, though, responded in a way. His emotional response was basically like anger and aggression. That’s how he came at it. No, we’re not doing that right.
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Just shut it down, We’re not going to deal with it. But they’re both. even though they’re different, they’re both the same response.
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It’s the flesh responding and not the logical response. What’s the same net effect, right, right. The reality is, i know in three years she’ll have the legal ability to truly live her own life however she wants. So in three years she can. My opinion doesn’t matter.
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So how did this story get resolved? Let’s tell our listeners It took about three nights of conversations before you were like, okay, You know, and I think it was a lot of.
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I could have dug my heels in and said no, no, no. When I finally I kind of let off a little bit, is when I ultimately realized that this is about me.
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And your fear And your anxiety And my fear, my anxiety.
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But what really helped me is whenever you and our daughter said okay, listen, what is it that’s making you upset about this, or scared, or why are you immediately saying no And we talk through that?
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So this is kind of what happened. I’m glad you said that. So the next day my daughter came to me and said hey, can I go to the party? Like I need RSVP, i need to let them know if I’m coming or not. And I was very honest with her And I said listen, dad loves you a lot And you’re a freshman and I never envisioned you go into a party with where there would be senior boys, you know, and we need a minute to like process this. We trust you, you’ve showed good judgment, but daddy’s struggling with this a little bit. So we got to have some conversation around it And I think it was that night at the dinner table, you know. She brought it up and said dad, what do you need help with? Like tell me what. Why you struggling?
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And she allowed me to, you know, kind of either drop her, not say drop her off, but she allowed me to drive by before, like to see where the house was the night or the night or two before. So I knew where it was, i knew how to get to it, i had, you know, she, she really kind of worked with me.
0:10:14 – Speaker 1
Yeah, right, and she also um, i remember you telling her at the dinner table you said something about like I know how teenage boys look at teenage girls. Like I remember that I was a dude, you know I was a guy, i am a guy.
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I was before I was married.
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That sounded really bad Um, i, i, i. What I was trying to say was I was a teen guy at one point, um, and you’re no longer a teen, honey. Um, but she also I think her response to that was really good is Oh dad, these are my friends, these are I. Don’t look at them like that, this is not any. You don’t have to worry about this group, you know, because, um, and so I think that reassured you, like it was more of a friend thing, not a oh, i’m going to try to find, you know, a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, right.
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He’s right. Um, he’s right. Just, I also offered to let her take one of my handguns. No stop. But she said the purse she had wasn’t big enough.
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She did not. he did not offer that. That was a joke, But she ended up going. She did.
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She ended up going And I survived.
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He survived. We had systems in place like if something were to happen and it went crazy, like things she could do to get us there, because she wasn’t she’s not driving yet on her own, so we had to drop her off and pick her up. One of our terms was you know, some of the other kids were offering to take her And that was one of our lines like you’re not going to get in a car with somebody we don’t know yet. Now, having said all that, So it was a compromising It was.
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The topic of the show is overcoming overprotectiveness. This isn’t been. I want to done thing.
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No. So, Still overcoming it.
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So we’re still, yeah, we’re still, we’re still overcoming it.
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We’re still overcoming it. But what I thought was hilarious was after the party, when she come back. That night she got home, you went and got her. You know you didn’t go in the house or whatever, You just texted her and said I’m here, So we didn’t embarrass her. She got in the car, She said I’m here with you and it was so great because it’s late at night I mean it’s 12 or one, I don’t know what time it was And I was laying in bed and she just crawls right in bed with you and I and she just starts laughing and we’re like what is so funny?
And she’s like, oh my gosh, like we had so much fun And at the end of the day, like it was such a great party, like nobody was doing anything inappropriate, that I told them how paranoid y’all were, that somebody was going to be doing drugs, alcohol or sex, and like they all laughed at us, Which I thought was hysterical. But at least we were involved and we were there. And if something did go crazy, if somebody had snuck in drugs or whatever, you know that she was prepared and I felt better about that.
But I loved that outcome. You know that they’re like joking about it at this party And I think one of the guys said oh, what typical freshman parents you know, but good parents, like they weren’t bashing us. They were like that’s good of your parents, but that’s not going to happen here, kind of thing, because they were a good group of kids or my daughter wouldn’t have wanted to go, and I’ve learned that about her, like I’ve learned to trust that a little bit more. It’s been a process. It’s been a process. If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 2pm on AM 630, the word nextTalk Radio is sponsored in part by PAX Financial Group and listeners just like you. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nexttalkorg and click on give.
0:14:11 – Speaker 2
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0:14:37 – Speaker 1
Investment advisory services offered through PAX Financial Group. So this is Mandy. I have my husband, matt, in the studio with me today And we are talking about overcoming overprotectiveness, and we just shared the story about our daughter as a freshman last year when she got invited to a party where there were going to be lots of older kids, and how we handle that and walked through that as a family. You’ve quite probably identified that Matt is the more overprotective one.
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Well, you’ve heard the term helicopter mom, i’d consider myself to be more of a 21st century drone dad.
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So you know, just like it, you know.
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You Hoover. How do you say it. I don’t say it right Hover, hover, close. I always say Hoover and they always make fun of me for it.
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Yeah, that’s a vacuum.
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That’s what Kansas says too. You say it again for me Hover, hover, like a drone.
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Hover Like a drone.
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I get my words when I start to have a nice day, that’s right, okay, all right. So we got another story because We’re going to talk a little while. Okay, you know we laugh about Matt being the overprotective one, but we have to be careful with this because it could really cause issues in your marriage.
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Well, and we first started talking about our daughter and overprotectiveness. But the reality is I’m probably equally overprotective with both my daughter and son.
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You absolutely 100% are. I mean, our son is at the age where he could totally stay home by himself for five or 10 minutes while I run an errand. Not happening. You were like no, you are, so you are equally overprotective. I think we just talk about our daughter more because she’s our first one and she’s the one venturing out more, but you are definitely an equal opportunity overprotective father, or what did you call it? Drone, drone dad.
Drone dad, drone dad, that’s. That’s funny. Um, so now you know, our daughter’s getting turned 16 and we’re car shopping.
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And we’re increasing our blood pressure medicine.
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This has been hysterical to watch because my daughter wants all the cute little, cute little cars. She loves old. So vintage is good, It’s in our budget. Like old She, that’s good. But she wants little and cute in the color matters. The color matters Dad wants. What do you want? tank?
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Well, i’m thinking late, maybe later 80s, early 90s, mercury grand marquee, something, um, maybe you know if we could go the heavier and bigger the better.
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So you can imagine these conversations. So she had her eyes set on one little car in particular that, as a used car, we could afford it. Yeah, way, used car, it’s in our budget and, um, i was getting on board with it, we would see them everywhere. We made up a little name for this car.
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We were like if you were getting on board, I was sinking the ship.
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We were getting on.
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I was getting on board.
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And let me tell you what happened. Then dad started doing that Drone, dad started doing his research. And what happened. The safety ratings were bad on that car.
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These are things that Drone dad knows. This is my job is to protect and to take things that I’ve learned through my multiple decades of experience and apply that.
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Okay, so here’s where I want to go with this Ladies. Old Mandy probably would have been dismissive because I’ve labeled Matt as an overprotective Drone dad. Now, right, and I’ve said you’re crazy, right, i would have just labeled him as crazy and been like you got to get past your fear.
New Mandy realized that my husband’s opinions matter And just because he has been vulnerable and walked in humility and said, yeah, i’m a little overprotective, that doesn’t give me to the right to use that against you. And when he sent me the safety ratings, it took me back a minute and I looked at it and I looked all through it, and later that night we had a conversation and I said, honey, i don’t think this is you being overprotective, i think this is you being cautious, and I agree with you. Now, this little car it’s out, it’s out, it’s not safe for her. And so I think this is extremely important to notice, because sometimes, when a spouse will say I am struggling with this, or we automatically label them when things come up and we don’t hear them anymore because we’re like, oh, this is your overprotectiveness coming in And that is going to hurt your marriage.
0:19:35 – Speaker 3
No, absolutely. The ironic thing here is, of course, i love cars and I have for a minute forever And so I know a lot about them and I don’t necessarily need the data to tell me what’s safe or not safe, so it’s almost intuitive. But what’s interesting here is that the more that Mandy and our daughter really kind of listened and really I mean honestly the more they kind of broke the barriers down and we had a real honest, open conversation about this over multiple, multiple conversations.
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Still having them.
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The more I actually thought okay, i know how dangerous this little car is, but let me, i’ll at least look at it again, because maybe I’m missing something. And so I actually started coming in a little bit, and you still know, but I mean, i actually moved a little more than I thought I would.
0:20:36 – Speaker 1
Well, and we did research, we prayed, we talked to a few of our friends and, all of that combined, we were like this isn’t the right car. We don’t feel leading in this direction, And it’s not out of fear, it’s just out of caution. But I think that’s what you have to ask yourself if you’re dealing with being overprotective. Am I doing this straight from fear Or am I? is this being cautious? Is this being safe? Is this having a good balance?
0:21:04 – Speaker 3
And there could be a fine line there and it’s not. obviously it’s not just with cars, it’s with cell phones when you give your kid a cell phone, It’s with conversations with your kids to and from school or work or wherever the case. It’s that whole culture you build within your home.
0:21:21 – Speaker 1
Well, and if you have a parent, one of you struggles already with anxiety and worry and fear. You’re probably gonna fall into the overprotective category because you’re always what if-ing. You’re always. Those scenarios are always running through your mind. That doesn’t always happen with overprotective parents, but we’ve got a list of really good Bible verses for you. If you text the word afraid to 444-222, we’ll send you that list. That’s a great starter list of not having fear, not worrying, because at the end of the day we’re not in control of a lot. We can take safety precautions, we can get her a safe car and compromise on that like something cute for her, but it’s safe also. But at the end of the day we’re not in charge of if she gets on a wreck or not, like that we’re not in charge. If somebody’s texting and driving and hits her, we’re not in charge of that And that’s hard.
0:22:15 – Speaker 3
Well, that’s a practical side of me Really says that no matter what, we get her or we can’t, if there were to be an accident it’s she’s still gonna be affected. I mean, even if we put her in a Sherman tank, the reality is she’s still at risk.
0:22:33 – Speaker 1
And I think one of the really important things that we need to talk about is how. I don’t try because this is something I’ve learned in this, with this journey with you I don’t try to convince you to do whatever it is we need you to do to overcome your overprotectiveness in front of the kids.
0:22:53 – Speaker 3
Oh, that’s huge.
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Because then it feels like a pile on.
0:22:57 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and I dig in.
0:22:58 – Speaker 1
And then the other double up.
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I might just forget it.
0:23:01 – Speaker 1
Not only forget it, double, forget it Well and then it becomes like a family joke where again, anytime you say no, we just label it as an overprotectiveness and not a okay. This is maybe a Holy Spirit thing that God’s using dad to protect us from something right.
0:23:18 – Speaker 3
Well, we do have fun with it.
0:23:19 – Speaker 1
We do have fun, but We wouldn’t we don’t joke about it, but we wouldn’t if you came to me and said this is becoming a problem.
0:23:27 – Speaker 3
That’s true, that’s correct.
0:23:29 – Speaker 1
And I think it isn’t a problem when we joke about it because correct me if I’m wrong you feel heard and respected Like you feel like we hear you, your actual concerns.
0:23:41 – Speaker 3
Yes, i know that’s absolutely true. I mean I can we joke with it a lot, but the undertone is there. It’s it’s respect and appreciation for my feelings, my experience and what. what I feel is best.
0:23:57 – Speaker 1
Well, and mom’s out there, if it’s your husband who’s being the overprotective one, you know one of the things. Instead of getting mad at Matt a lot of times, i’ll just remind myself you know, he, he loves us. That’s why he’s overprotective. And I know it’s extreme sometimes and I know the the stern nose get irritating and abrasive, but at the end of the day he loves us and he, he, he feels like it’s his role to protect us.
0:24:24 – Speaker 3
Yeah, absolutely That. That. That really is what it’s all about And and unfortunately you know, i, i, when we come to difficult decisions like cars, again I reflect on my history. Yeah, right, and um.
0:24:37 – Speaker 1
And you were a little bit well extreme risky with your cars.
0:24:42 – Speaker 3
I mean yes.
0:24:43 – Speaker 1
You go to where you go to where I went with the high school party. You go to the cars like she’s going to be.
0:24:50 – Speaker 3
I do Driving recklessly. Street racing and yeah, I’m, which I didn’t. okay, I’m not saying I street race, but yes, I go to those times and I apply them forward and think that these are going to be experiences that she’s going to have to deal with, And that may not necessarily be true.
0:25:10 – Speaker 1
Well, listen, drone dad, i appreciate your honesty today And maybe we’ll do a follow-up show in a couple of years to see how we’re working on this issue, because this is definitely a work in progress.
0:25:21 – Speaker 3
Well, and we’re hoovering. So, with this idea, Hoovering, oh, hovering, sorry, hovering, there we go again All over this idea.
0:25:28 – Speaker 1
Jim’s going to love this that you’re making fun of me again. I’m not. I love you. Yeah, thanks for being here, hen, you got it.
0:25:34 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, The Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at NextTalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page