0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:13 – Speaker 2
Music. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630,. The Word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a non-profit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for?
0:00:35 – Speaker 1
the nextTalk. Well, you know we talk all the time here at nextTalk about open communication, that being the key to all of this. And the first step with that, as we talked about in our last show, is addressing the hard task of being honest with ourselves first. That’s where it begins. Being honest and letting God forgive us so that we can make changes that will then walk through the change in our marriage and then also with our kids.
0:01:03 – Speaker 2
And break the generational cycles Absolutely Like change the legacy, yeah.
0:01:07 – Speaker 1
And so once we walk down that road of looking inward and being open about our past mistakes, we can step into the freedom that comes with accepting God’s grace and forgiveness, which is really what he wants for us. He wants us to live in freedom and fruitfulness. You know, what we see a lot is that as we begin to do this hard work on ourselves and we see how open communication opens up the lines of communication with our kids Because sometimes that’s more of a natural progression, because, especially as women, we oftentimes are around our kids more than dad is, and so if we’re doing this work in ourselves, we start to talk more with our kids. But we don’t want to miss that step in between of the relationship with your spouse the marriage, so key as being the next step before the open communication can really work with your kids.
0:01:55 – Speaker 2
You know, so many times we have parents come up to us at our seminars and our workshops and they’ll say, you know, we don’t feel the same way about a certain issue, like the husband wants to address it this way and the wife wants to address it this way. And I will say, well, have you sat down and talked about it just amongst yourselves? Yeah, you know, don’t bring the kids into the conversation until you are on the same page, or if you’re, if you just can’t see eye to eye, then when you set your kids down you can say, hey, this is one of those things where mommy and daddy we see it a little differently and this is what daddy feels and this is how mommy sees it. I mean, you can do that, talk through that with your kids. But it’s important before we tackle these huge issues.
You know, for example, sleepover policy are you going to allow it or not? Like what are you? What is your sleepover policy? Can they go anywhere? Do you have to know the family? What are you going to do with that? And so you know, you guys may have different feelings and it may all be because of a bad experience that one of you have had at a certain sleepover when you were a kid and you’re bringing that in.
0:02:54 – Speaker 1
It’s important to talk through those issues and it’s easy to skip that step and we hear I’ve spoken with many moms who said, oh, all this information is great, and I read Mandy’s book and I came to one of your seminars and then I went home and I started having all these great conversations with my kids and then my husband walked in day and was like what is going on?
0:03:13 – Speaker 2
What are?
0:03:13 – Speaker 1
you talking about, because we skip the step of realizing that open communication is just as important, if not more with our spouse first, so we’re on the same page and we’re healing in whole in that marriage before we bring up these topics with our kids.
0:03:30 – Speaker 2
Well, and these topics that we’re having to cover with our kids at such a young age because of the online world, I mean you may find out things about your spouse that you never knew before, absolutely so. For example, when you’re talking about sleepovers and you know one of the, either the husband or the wife says well, I had this bad experience and this happened to me at this sleepover, where this person was touching me inappropriately and you’re like I never knew this happened, like anything could come out of this that can create more open communication in your marriage, and it’s important that these walls are down. You know, my husband and I we talked on our first date. Actually, we stayed up until 3am talking and it was the first relationship in my life physical, you know, person to person relationship where that was the center of it all and I didn’t even know how to process it. He wanted to talk about all these things and I’m like I don’t even nobody’s ever wanted to talk to me about all these things before.
0:04:28 – Speaker 1
You know it’s funny when you’re dating. You know, before kids and whatnot, there’s a space for that. Yeah, you know there’s a space that we create because we’re longing to be with this person. And you know, marriage is God’s best example on earth of His love and grace. For us it’s, it’s like our practice ground here on this earth. So it’s a beautiful gift that we have.
But it’s not easy, you know, that kind of time to speak with your spouse and to get to know them and understand what’s important to them and the why behind that. It has to be created once you’re married. It has to be a priority scheduled, it has to be scheduled Absolutely, and that becomes a gift to your kids when you invest in that. So how do you do all of that? Where do you begin? That’s a question we get a lot as well.
I want to start talking about all this stuff with my, my spouse, but I, you know what’s the first step, right, I have to say quickly if you are in a committed relationship, in a marriage that’s what we’re going to be addressing in these next few topics here If you are in abusive relationship or one that is, you know we all have a dysfunction, obviously we’re human, but please get help.
You know it is different if you are in a physically or verbally abusive relationship. These topics will be a little bit different for you, but the bottom line is we need to start somewhere. And so you have to ask yourself does my spouse know my stuff? That’s the first question. Once you look in the mirror and you’ve come clean and you’ve allowed the Lord to forgive you and give you grace and peace, then it’s time to transfer that into your marriage relationship. And it works both ways. It lays the groundwork for the real talk. Your stuff may have happened before your marriage or may have happened in your marriage. Either way, if you’re going to talk to your kids about it, you need to have peace with yourself first and then in your marriage.
0:06:18 – Speaker 2
Because you may not realize you’re doing it. I didn’t realize I was trying to avoid these topics with my kids. You know it took and, like we said in the last show, looking at yourself, when there’s a topic that you want to avoid and you do not want your kid to ask you that question, that should be a red flag alert in your brain saying there’s something in my past I need to address here. Why don’t, why am I scared to talk about this with my kids Now? Granted you, we all have a fear that we’re going to overshare or share something incorrect. It’s normal. But what I want to tell you is that open communication takes the fear out of it, because then you’re not afraid of what they’re going to see online, you’re not afraid of what they’re going to be told about at school, because if you’ve created this safe place, they’re going to come home and ask you. So what we want to do is make sure that’s in our marriage first. Does I mean, does our husband have a safe place to process his thoughts?
You know one thing my husband tells me all the time is Mandy Geyser visual? This is something he always says to me Mine too, and you know early on in our marriage. If he would comment to me about a certain woman or a billboard or a Victoria secrets, whatever you know, whatever he would notice, I would automatically go into this I’m not good enough, like it’s all, it was all about me, like I’m not going to fast forward 18 years Now I realize he’s not comparing me. He’s seeing it and he’s processing it and taking out of his brain because he doesn’t want it to become more than it is like in a lustful way, and so I’m his safe place. So he is wanting to talk to me about these things and what I have to do is stay calm.
0:08:03 – Speaker 1
Well, I can’t go crazy wife on him, absolutely, and you know you make the point that here you are fast forward 18 years ago. We have a lot of people who are listening who are saying I don’t even know how to get to that point. Yeah, you know, counseling is a great safe place to start and there’s a lot of stigma associated with that. I’m here to tell you please take that off the table. Having a safe place with someone who is not in the relationship, who can walk you through the process of talking, communication, opening up, sharing and walking down a road of healing, is a wonderful gift to you and your spouse. Counseling is a great place for that.
If you feel like you’re past that and that you know how to communicate, kind of, how do you start this open type of communication that Mandy’s talking about, where your spouse can come to you with anything and you can come to your spouse First. Do they know your stuff? One, do they? Have you had that conversation? If not, or even if you have, it has to be ongoing. So where do you do that and when? You have to create a space for that and that’s something that we a lot of times don’t realize because we get busy with life and kids and we don’t realize we have to make an appointment or create a space that is safe for you and your spouse to share and open up past and present.
0:09:18 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know, sometimes we get married and you know we’re in that newlywed stage where everything’s kind of good, and then you know we settle into it and get into the routine of our careers, and then we add some babies and then all of a sudden, you know we used to talk but we’re not talking anymore, or でも.
We’re talking at each other, or or there was something that I was holding on to, that I was going to get around to telling you, but now we’re so busy we don’t have even had the time to talk about it. And it’s this thing that I’m carrying that you don’t even know about, and I need to get it off my chest, because then your kids start to grow and they start to ask you these questions, and then it surfaces Well and you have to be realistic.
0:10:00 – Speaker 1
Realistic about the stage of life that you’re in. If you’ve got little ones, creating a space to talk about these difficult things is not going to be at the dinner table.
0:10:09 – Speaker 2
No, it’s not you can’t even finish a sentence. You can’t finish a sentence.
0:10:12 – Speaker 1
My kids are nine and thirteen and I can’t finish a sentence, exactly and it’s probably not going to be at bedtime, either because you’re so exhausted from the day yeah, you’re falling asleep as you’re talking or you’re so tired that you can’t even process what’s being said. So be realistic about the stage and age of your kids and your life and where you’re at, and find a safe place when that can happen, whether it’s a scheduled date on a Saturday morning where you hire a babysitter, it’s worth the investment, but find a play. You know my husband and I we try to do date night every weekend. You do it differently, which you know.
0:10:46 – Speaker 2
Again, you have to know how your family works kim, explain yours because I love how you have themes on each of them, like you have one for business stuff.
0:10:54 – Speaker 1
Because let’s be. Let’s face it, you know, are we going to sign up for baseball like you need to.
0:10:58 – Speaker 2
There has to be some Mention. The budget?
0:11:00 – Speaker 1
Yeah, let’s go over the budget. So once one of our date nights we know that’s not going to be the time when kin can say, where you know, I can say how it hurt me when you said this it’s going to be the time To talk about how much registration is for gymnastics and how do you feel about you know doing some gardening and me buying 20 Plants? You know we there has to be time set apart for those conversations also Because either you know, then you’re going in different directions if you’re not on the same page with that, and then it’s hard to get to the deep stuff if you’re always trying to deal with the business stuff right. So once a month we know, okay, one of our dates is going to be business. And then we always try To do something where we challenge each other because we’re both competitive and that’s something that we shared when we were dating. We love that. We, you know, love to hike and challenge each other up, you know, difficult mountain.
Or doing something physical where you’ve got those endorphins going. Yeah, really connects you because you feel good You’re doing something physical, you can open up more. So trying to do something physical once a month too, and maybe you know that means renting a hotel room and that kind of physical. That’s okay too, but it’s true you know we do need to get more physical most of us, I’m sure. But anyway, really creating a space where those conversations that need to happen can happen, making it a priority and praying together. You know it’s so easy for that to be off the table because you forget or you’re too tired or you don’t make it a priority.
0:12:31 – Speaker 2
The other thing is praying together. It can become like a checklist item.
0:12:35 – Speaker 1
Yes, absolutely.
0:12:37 – Speaker 2
You know like grab your hand, lord, thank you for this day. Whatever, um, make it real. Yeah, you know like, every day, try to be real. What am I struggling with today, lord? This is what I need help with today. Yeah, don’t let it become like let’s just sit down and pray yeah, I’ve fallen into that. Trap Me too, absolutely. And praying with my kids too. I’ve fallen into that.
You know, saying the same prayer over and over, because it’s what and we’re really trying to work through making it authentic. Each time a different thing, not a monotony type situation, but an ongoing Real prayers, yeah, conversation, it’s a conversation with our heavenly father.
0:13:15 – Speaker 1
Yes, and when you do create that space and you are, you praying together and you’re ready, make sure that you are at the point where you have forgiven yourself and you’re actually ready to share some of these difficult things.
Um, you got to put it out there on the table. You, you’ve got to let it go. You’ve got to let them see all of your dirty laundry and, more importantly, be ready to hear theirs. And that’s where what you said comes in. You cannot lose your mind when they bring something to the table that you didn’t expect, because it will happen, it may be small. It may be huge, but if you lose your mind, then that is it you can’t lose your mind and you know my husband and I we joke.
0:13:55 – Speaker 2
He loves cars.
I mean, he just loves cars and he’s got a Mustang, an old Mustang Um, I don’t even know what year it is, but you know when he needs a part replaced, or whatever he will say to me, can I ask you about ordering this part now for the Mustang? And we I used to go ballistic, but we joke now. You know about it because I’ve learned not to be crazy. You know, he just wants to be heard. This is important to him. This is his hobby, this is his release from all the stress that he endures, you know, daily, and so just hearing him and learning like this is important to him.
0:14:32 – Speaker 1
Yeah, it’s. It’s real easy for us to interrupt one another. Yeah um, because we think we know what they’re gonna say. Yes, and we women are especially good at that, you know. We complete sentences, we chime in, we say I think this is what you mean by that, and a lot of times that shuts a man down. Yeah, girlfriends, yeah, um, and guys, um, that’s kim. That is such a great point.
0:14:57 – Speaker 2
It’s, it’s true, it is a hundred percent true, and I still struggle with that today, all the time.
0:15:04 – Speaker 1
Well, that’s why I brought it up, because I’m terrible at it, it’s one of my biggest struggles. And my husband will say can I finish my sentence? Can I tell you what I’m actually trying to say here? And so it’s good because he holds me accountable and I’m like, oh, because then again, just like your relationship with your heavenly father and then in your marriage, that transfers into your kids Am I really hearing what my kids are saying? Am I letting them finish their sentence, even though a lot of times you may know what they’re going to say, because they’re kids, they still want to be heard. They still want it to feel important to them that you are listening.
0:15:36 – Speaker 2
Well, and they may have a different viewpoint. It may be what you’re thinking Might surprise you. But yes, I mean, when you start to listen, you learn a lot, very true.
0:15:44 – Speaker 1
Very true. After you have had this space together, you’re praying together, you’re listening and sharing these difficult things. You’re not interrupting. It’s so important not to judge and respond calmly, like we said. It’s our first reaction a lot of times like what?
0:16:01 – Speaker 2
Are you telling me I have known you for this many years and I didn’t know this?
0:16:06 – Speaker 1
And then taking it personally.
0:16:07 – Speaker 2
Yeah.
0:16:08 – Speaker 1
A lot of times we put that on ourselves right away. We want to hang that label on us right away. A victim oh how could you do this to me? No, they are sharing in the safe place you’ve created so you guys can walk together forward, away from it.
0:16:28 – Speaker 2
Well, and I just want to say, if it’s something that you’re just shocked and it’s been years that you’ve known this person and they’re just now coming to you this should show you how deep it hurts this person. And so it’s not that they were trying to hide it. They were carrying around a lot of shame or guilt or name it whatever they were carrying around if it took them this long. So we should even have more empathy for that journey and that process and it’s something that you guys should talk through for sure and have more conversations about. But respond calmly, don’t judge, don’t automatically go into. How could you or I can’t believe you’ve kept this from me.
0:17:09 – Speaker 1
I mean, this is a deep rooted thing if it’s been years and they haven’t told you yet you know one thing my husband has learned to do, which I really appreciate when I come to him with something that is really upsetting or something unexpected. He is a processor. You know, I’m more of a. Let’s talk about it now.
0:17:28 – Speaker 2
Let’s walk through it now. Yes, my husband is like that too.
0:17:31 – Speaker 1
Yes, he’s a processor, and when we were first married, that would really we would butt heads on that, because I would be like let’s talk now, let’s get through it now, and he needs time.
And so he has really gotten so good at this beautiful phrase he says, knowing my past and my hurts, because he knows my stuff. When I say something that’s upsetting to him or unexpected and he needs time to process, he will say Kim, I love you, I’m not leaving you, I just need a minute, and I know that that’s him needing to walk away to take a breath, to think about it, and then he can come back and we can work through it together and it’ll be a fruitful thing. I used to push, you know, and say, no, I wanna do it. Now I want to do or I think, or he would walk away to process and I think, oh my gosh, this is it.
He’s leaving me. It’s too much, I’m too crazy. You know I pushed him too far. We all think we’re all too crazy. Yes, it’s true, and I think this. He’s never coming back, you know, and he just needed to take a walk. So you know, it works both ways finding that balance of what are those sensitive places for my spouse, what do they need to hear from me in this moment, and how can we come back together to resolve this?
0:18:38 – Speaker 2
Well, and this is something that I struggled with Don’t be a runner, and what I mean by that is, yes, process, but for me, I was taught anytime early on our marriage where Matt and I would have a disagreement, I would get in my car and leave. I was a runner, and then in my mind, I’m gonna come back and we’re gonna act like it never happened and we’re never gonna talk about it again, because that’s kind of how I grew up with no kind of talking through things. And so you know, I learned early on that I had to break that cycle fast because it is not something I wanted to pass on to my kids, and so I’m not a runner anymore. I never leave. There are times when I’ll say I need a minute, let me go in the bedroom or let me go out back or whatever. Let me process this, and then we come back to it, but I don’t run to escape it and then to act like it never happened. That I’ve changed.
0:19:31 – Speaker 1
That’s the key is having a plan, because you know yourself. Yes, have a plan in place before it happens. I tell people all the time address the difficult things when it’s not happening. Because, when it happens. It’s much harder in crisis mode to talk about how we’re gonna deal with this and what’s going on. If you know this is an issue, talk about it in the calm, good times so that when it happens you’re prepared for it.
0:19:59 – Speaker 2
Well, it goes back to those feelings and emotions. They take over and we can’t logically think. And then our baggage comes into play and we’re afraid of being left. You know, my parents divorced when.
I was three too, so I’ve always had that fear of, you know, a divorce or leaving or whatever to and so that he knows that now and he will, I mean, things will come up, satan will throw things at us now and my husband is so good. He will say Are you afraid that I’m gonna leave? Are you afraid of this? Because he knows my baggage. But that has taken years of conversation to get to the place where he knows what I’m thinking, absolutely what I’m afraid of.
0:20:39 – Speaker 1
Well, and here’s the thing you’re thinking yourself well, okay, we, we, we’ve created the safe place where we’ve shared all of our stuff, we pray together, we’re working through it, we’re talking, but then, once again, we’ve got to remember that complacency will jump in. You think we’ve got, we talk, we do this thing, like we’ve got this down, the moment you start thinking that the complacency will rise up again and it will come in waves. You know it happens in my house. You know that three little ones and there are times when I feel like I haven’t talked to my husband in a week. I’m like what’s what’s happening in your life? And the complacency to not make it a priority hits. And then that gap begins to widen, slowly, slowly, slowly, and then it becomes comfortable because you are functioning in it and it becomes your new norm.
0:21:26 – Speaker 2
You know, I refer to this in my book is like a knitted sweater and one little pool of a thread and I say a little white lie. Are my examples that I give? Like I’m not going to tell him how much I spent at the mall, or I’m not going to tell him I ordered that thing on Amazon, or I’m not going to tell him that my ex boyfriend Facebook friend requested me today because I denied it and I’m not going to. Why do I need to tell him that? Yeah, those little white lies is Is, will eventually leave a gaping hole because you will normalize. Not telling him things, you will start to normalize.
I don’t need to tell him this, and that is where Satan wants us, because it causes a great divide. And then fast forward three or four years of that. You’re looking at each other and you’re like we don’t talk about anything anymore, and that is what we have to prevent. We have to have our guard up, we have to be talking continually in our marriages and the more difficult it is to talk, the more you need to do it. Yeah, so if there’s a situation and I this is happening me time and time again there’ll be something that will come up and I’ll think I need to talk to Matt about this. This is so awkward. I don’t want to. This is weird. He’s gonna flip out. Whatever. Those are the things that the Holy Spirit will nudge at me, and say you cannot let this go.
This is a moment, yes, and you have to. And then, and then, when you have the conversation, and then you’re on the other side of it, you’re like so glad. I’m so glad I wasn’t scared into silence. I’m so glad I didn’t let them in and manipulate my thinking right there.
0:22:59 – Speaker 1
And don’t let Satan tell you either. Besides sharing the big stuff, you’ve got to share the smalls. That one especially in the parenting years. A lot of times you have your girlfriends and your husband has their work friends and they are talking about work at work and you know they’re sharing everything and their stories and what’s happening and you talk to your friends and none of that overlaps at home. Then suddenly they don’t know what’s going on in your world. Again, those couple of years go by and they don’t know anything.
Might it’s not always that you are interested in the information, but you have to remember that you’re interested in your spouse. Yeah, so when my husband is listening to me talk about what I talked about with the neighbor today or how you know, my daughter did this today while you were at work, those are the little things that are important to share so that he understands what’s going on in my world and I understand why he so stressed at work. He may not need to share every story, but I want to know what his world is like so that we can connect on that level also and stay in the know about who we are at this stage of life.
0:24:00 – Speaker 2
Well and just really hearing them and their and their, their wants and their needs and their. You know, whatever I, my husband is an introvert and on our date night, when you you know you’re saying going out and do rock climbing or something physical, not us, yes, we are at home on the couch watching a movie, right, that the kids couldn’t see, or something you know that is just us. Rubbing each other’s feet.
0:24:21 – Speaker 1
Know that, that’s us.
0:24:23 – Speaker 2
if I planned an excursion at Six Flags with a ton of people, he would look at me like what are you doing? Like I just want to be at home in the quiet. So like, know them, I know.
Don’t set them up for failure recently he, he completed his MBA and I was so proud of him and I was so proud of him, I wanted to surprise him with a surprise party and I planned all this stuff and I wanted to. I had it all planned out. Kim took me aside and she said listen, girl, this is not his thing, you cannot. And I was like, oh my gosh, you’re right, he needs to be heard. Yes, like he needs to be respected for what he really wishes. Just because I think a party would be awesome, he would. It would be three hours of misery for him. Exactly, he would just want cake, ice cream in the couch. Yes, like that.
0:25:08 – Speaker 1
And not a bunch of people.
0:25:09 – Speaker 2
Yes, like just us, just our family, yeah.
0:25:12 – Speaker 1
Hear them. You know you’ve really got to hear what they’re saying and then follow through on it. A lot of times we hear things and we’re like, well, that’s not what I want to do, it will cause a divide.
0:25:22 – Speaker 2
Yeah for our wrap up. We need to let our spouse see our baggage and we need to see theirs. To be aware of complacency, talk daily and pay attention to your spouse’s needs. Three be open and honest in love.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Tell the truth. Thanks so much for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim Every Saturday at 10 am on AM 6 30. The word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
