0:00:00 – Speaker 1
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0:01:01 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:01:09 – Speaker 2
Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630. The word Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyberparent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Read our video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:01:35 – Speaker 3
Today we’re talking about nudge versus nag.
0:01:39 – Speaker 4
This does not sound good at all.
0:01:43 – Speaker 3
I pause there because I’m thinking through it, nudging versus nagging, just paying with us already. Already like I’m going to be in trouble. Don’t hit the stop button, no, no, always good to learn new things, right? We talked about this a little bit, preparing for it that we could take this subject and come at it from a lot of different angles, like marriage or with friends. I mean, i’ve never nagged you, but I’m sure that happens to other people.
0:02:12 – Speaker 4
Okay, don’t lie, kim, we cannot lie.
0:02:14 – Speaker 3
Lying is the fun Close friend. My kids say that all the time. When I say that lying is a sin, mom, We can even talk in the work perspective. I mean totally, But we wanted to focus on these two terms specifically in the parenting context. You know what does that mean in that world.
0:02:30 – Speaker 4
Yeah, i mean, let’s really define what each of these words mean and what it means in that context. As a parent, you know, as a mom or a dad, you know, i think about all sorts of things when I think about the nudge versus nag. Our kids could be charging down a path that they love, this activity They’re doing great, and then all of a sudden, they’re like I want to quit And you’re like what? Like it takes you off guard and you don’t want to become overbearing, but at the same time, you’re like you want to understand why the sudden change. Or it could mean lots of different things. It could mean, you know, like I just want to get my kid to regulate their screen time better, like how do I do that? It could mean like trying to get them to clean their room, trying to get them to chase a dream, try something new, anything like that. I think this show really comes into play.
0:03:17 – Speaker 3
The thing that came to mind for me first was, you know, when you see things in your kids that are natural talents or tendencies or they’re bent and you’re like, wow, you’re so good at that, even if it’s just inside, and you want to push them in that direction because you could see, maybe even how God could use them in that way. But maybe it’s not time yet. But it’s super easy when you see those kind of things to like nag them, like you really should try this, you really should do this, you really should keep up with this versus nudge them into it. It could just really. There’s so many areas in parents who are just trying to fight.
0:03:44 – Speaker 4
Yeah, and I’m finding the difference with this with my kids The difference between a nudge and a nag. it makes a huge difference in motivating my kids, getting them to think through their decisions, changing their behavior And honestly how I respond. if I’m a nudge versus a nag, it really either builds up or it tears down our relationship. And so the more I get into this and I see the difference between a nudge versus a nag I know I texted you the other day and I was like, oh my gosh, i’m like thinking about this. I think we need to do a show about it because I think it’s an important conversation.
0:04:17 – Speaker 3
It is, And I think one of the best places to start with this because those words you can define them a little bit differently is that we actually do define them. You were looking up nudge in the dictionary and it said to push slightly or gently, which is such a great explanation of that word.
0:04:33 – Speaker 4
You know, what’s funny is, when I saw that definition, you know what I thought about? Oh geez, i thought about our first day on the radio. I actually thought about it And I remember sitting across from you and it was like a deer in the headlights Because you have all this radio experience Like you’re, like a morning show, talk show host, you’re good right.
And I’m over here, like how do I use the microphone? Like where do I put it? And I remember you, like we prayed and you were like God’s got you. Like you gave me that gentle nudge, and it wasn’t a nagging Like if you don’t do this, i’m walking out right now, i’m not going to be your friend. It wasn’t that, but it was just this gentle nudge of encouragement and it empowered me. It almost made me feel like she believes I can do this. So let me just dive in and try this. So when I looked that up in the dictionary, that’s the visual that I got.
0:05:25 – Speaker 3
Oh, bless it. I’m glad you remember it that way. What do you remember? Just, oh my gosh, i don’t I don’t I just remember thinking like this is really exciting And I was so proud of you for pushing into a new space, because it is a very vulnerable thing to put yourself out there in any kind of media. So that’s all I remember in a general sense, but I’m glad you remember it that way. That’s sweet.
0:05:46 – Speaker 4
It really is what I envisioned. So nudge to push slightly or gently. Okay, let’s move on and talk about nag. Here’s the definition of nag Annoy by persistent fault finding, complaints or demands to find fault or complain in an irritating manner. I mean, i don’t know about you, but I completely go negative. You know, when I feel nagged I think about when I feel like somebody’s like on my back nagging me to do something, i get defensive, i get rebellious, i get disrespectful. Actually, sometimes I do the opposite just because I’m like Whatever, you’re not going to tell me what to do, right? Does anybody else have that in them, especially as a teenager like I totally had that as a teenager.
0:06:33 – Speaker 3
So embarrassing as a teenager, so embarrassed for you. No, just, it’s a natural. Even just reading that description, i can feel what it feels like to be nagged and also to nag Cause, wouldn’t you agree? Or maybe this is just me. When I’m nagging someone, i usually can feel it. I know that I’m doing it because I’m annoyed by myself sometimes, and you’ve heard parents say like I am so tired of asking you to clean your room. Like you know, when you’re nagging and going on and on about the same thing, it’s not only irritating to the other person but to yourself.
0:07:04 – Speaker 4
Yeah, Yeah, yeah, i think of that Bible verse. I don’t know if it says the word nag in the Bible verse, but it says it’s talking about it in a marriage context And it says a wife is like a dripping faucet, that they’re like on you constantly And I think about that. You know, when you’re laying in bed and you hear a faucet dripping and you just are like, oh my gosh, like that is so annoying, i’ve got to turn that off. That’s the same way with a nag. And I think if we think about it like that and we put it into a parenting context, then we can see okay, i want to nudge my kids but I don’t want to nag them. But I think you know we can all agree that that’s what we want to do. But I think the purpose of this show we really want to dive in and give you examples of how you do that. How do you nudge without nagging.
0:07:49 – Speaker 3
We want to empower and encourage without pushing them away from whatever it is the topic might be, and one of the best ways to do that we would both agree. I think you know, and we’ve seen this over the years with our kids is asking the question why.
0:08:03 – Speaker 4
Find out the why behind the decision or behind why they’re not. You know, i think of this in a sports context. You know, like if your kid is just plowing ahead and they’ve been passionate about this sport or this activity or this hobby, you know something that ignites them And you’ve seen this over and over again. And then all of a sudden they’re like I want to stop Right And so we don’t want to become overbearing and be like, no, we’ve got years invested, you’re, you’re doing this no matter what. Like we don’t want to become that, like that, like overbearing and like a nag, But we do want to say, hey, why the sudden decision? Normally, when I ask that question, it may not come out right away, but if I continue to dig on that why? and continue to press my kids into why, are you changing your mind on this?
Typically, i find insecurities in fears, things like I may not be good enough, i’ve been doing it, but as the older I get, it gets more competitive. What if I’m not good enough? That’s what you want to find out, because then you can talk it through with them and be like okay, listen, those are legitimate fears and insecure, like everybody has those. So we acknowledge their feelings as real and true. But we have to teach our kids that they can’t live out of fear, They can’t make decisions out of fear, and so we have to push through that. Now, if the why is I don’t like the sport anymore, you know, i had an injury and it’s not going well for me then that’s a whole other conversation. But a lot of times, with the why, i’m finding the fears and insecurities.
0:09:37 – Speaker 3
I would absolutely agree with that. That’s what we’ve seen happen with our kids too. The more that we question them and just try to have conversations with them, the why usually boils down to something that’s an emotional struggle And being able to talk to them about that. A lot of times it has nothing to do with the sport or the activity or whatever it might be, and getting to the root of that applies to other life situations. So I think it’s just so important to ask the why.
I do want to kind of flip the switch on that, though. It just kind of came to me is that we also need to ask ourselves why. Why am I nagging my kid about this? Because sometimes it’s something going on with us, like it was our sport or our thing or our dream for our child, and maybe it’s obvious why your child doesn’t want to do something anymore, but you aren’t willing to accept it because it’s something going on with you. So I think asking the why for your kid is super important, but also for yourself. Why am I putting myself in this position of nagging them over this situation? And if we do both of those, i think the outcome can only be good.
0:10:41 – Speaker 4
Absolutely. Look internally first and then, if you’re going to ask your kids why, you’ve got to be able to look in the mirror and ask you why? Why is this so important to me? Why do I want to push this? Why do I want to nudge? I do feel like you know, when we talk about nudge versus nag, i really think about this nudging of getting out of the boat, getting out of the uncomfortable, because a lot of times when I ask the why, it’s well, i don’t know those kids, i don’t have friends in that group It’s the insecurities again.
Fear of failure is a big one. Fear of failure is a big one And I feel like that little nudge of being able to. You know, when Peter walked on the water he had to get out of the boat. He had to get out of the boat with Jesus and that’s uncomfortable And you know, it’s really important for me as a parent to teach my kids to get out of the boat. Now you can try it once or twice, and it may not be for you, and then that’s fine. But if you’re going to write it off just because you’re afraid, then that’s a different conversation.
0:11:40 – Speaker 3
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0:12:01 – Speaker 2
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0:12:26 – Speaker 4
Investment advisory services offered through PAX Financial Group. So today we’re talking about nudge versus nag.
0:12:37 – Speaker 3
I wish I could say I don’t know what it feels like to be a nag, but I sure do know what it feels like I don’t feel good when I’m doing it and my kids don’t respond well, it pushes them away, it frustrates them, irritates them. It’s just never a good outcome for anyone.
0:12:54 – Speaker 4
So let me ask you this, kim when you were little and your mom would nudge you not nag you, but nudge you to get out of your comfort zone and maybe try something new, is there anything that she did that helped you get over those fears and insecurities? Because I think we need to talk about that part of the conversation too, because we’re asking parents to dive into the why And if the fears and insecurities do come up in their kids like how can they help them overcome those?
0:13:23 – Speaker 3
This is really simple, and it’s something my mom did when I was young and she still will say it to me sometimes, and I say it to my kids all the time and my husband and friends.
It’s just been one of those things She would always say Kim, tell me what is the worst thing that can happen when I would be afraid to do something or worried about the outcome of the situation, and as a kid, sometimes your first response is just like well, they could hate me or I could fail, and she’d say, yes, but what does that mean?
What does that mean for you? And we would keep walking down the path till we got to the core of the issue, and almost every time it really wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t enough to prevent me from trying something new or stepping outside of the comfort zone, but I needed to walk down that path and see all the different outcomes and what might happen and talk it through in my safe space with my mom before I felt the courage to actually do it, and so I think just that little phrase is a good jumping off point with you and your kids when you’re trying to walk them through uncomfortability or fear or any of those feelings that are bubbling up when you see them or you’re wanting to nag them over doing something.
0:14:39 – Speaker 4
I think a gentle nudge with a healthy dialogue can really help your kid build courage and overcome fears and securities. I think this is a very important life lesson for both us and our kids. However, if what you do every day is get up and tell your kids sign up for this. Right now you’re going to do this, you are going to play this sport, or you need to be more active, you need to lose weight, you need to have more discipline, you need to turn off your screens, how is your child going to respond if you’re just barking out those orders without any healthy dialogue, without asking why? it’s just nag, you’re at them all the time. They’re going to tune out, they’re going to shut down. And there goes your healthy dialogue.
0:15:22 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think that’s twofold. That can be like in the beginning of an experience, like not wanting to try something new, but if your kids see that that’s kind of your operating place is nagging, then that can also shut down their desire to pursue or explore or share with you what they’re interested in, because they’re like if I tell them then they’re just going to nag me about it all the time. They’re going to be like remember you said this, You wanted to do that, what are you doing about it? And your kid may actually withdraw from sharing just ideas with you because they don’t want to be hounded about it. So I mean it can really affect your relationship on a lot of different levels?
0:15:58 – Speaker 4
Absolutely. I’m so glad you pointed that out. You know we’ve talked a lot about extracurricular activities, like getting them to try something new, chase a dream, continue with a sport or try a new hobby. That’s kind of the premise that we’ve been talking about the bulk of the show right now. But I want to talk about some other things, Like how do I get them to turn off screens If I’m just barking out orders turn off the screen, get off the screen. It’s not good for you. That’s a nagging situation.
What I’ve learned is that so much more effective is yes, if we see our kids struggling with screen balance, we should be nudged to get involved And we should nudge them to bring up a conversation. But again, it’s that nudge with healthy dialogue, and so what I’ve found worked really well is to maybe say something like and pray about your timing here. Make sure your kid is in a mood to hear this. You know this shouldn’t be like right when they get home from school or right after practice, when they’re exhausted. You know this is in a moment when your kid, likes, is in the mood to talk right.
0:16:59 – Speaker 3
Oh, here’s the worst time to do it. I just have to throw this in here right now. Throw it in there. This is when they’re about to like achieve this huge thing in the game that they’re playing. That is not the time, yeah, not the time.
0:17:11 – Speaker 4
And that’s when it happens the most Our solo win in Fortnite. do not just be like hey, can we talk about something?
0:17:17 – Speaker 3
No, no, shut it down. It’s time to you know 100%.
0:17:20 – Speaker 4
Yeah, good addition right there. Um it. But yeah, like you know, you could say something like hey, i’m notice you’ve been struggling to maintain a healthy balance. I’ve noticed you’re a little bit out of whack. Um, you’ve been spending a lot of time on, you know, blank. What is their choice? So that could be Fortnite, that could be TikTok, that could be Snapchat, That could be whatever your kid spends a lot of time on, and I’ve noticed you kind of get in this fog. Um, sometimes you get attitude when you’re in that space And, um, i know you love this, i know you love that platform, but can we talk about this? Can we talk about maybe having a healthier balance? Um, do you see how that’s a nudge that we’re. We’re we’re. We’re not letting the behavior go. We’re not saying, okay, i just throw my hands up in the air because I don’t want to be a nag, we’re not doing that, but we’re nudging them into a thought-provoking conversation about Hey, have you noticed this?
0:18:22 – Speaker 3
Well, and that sets them up for being self-aware. You know, when you invite them into the conversation about noticing things about their behavior, um, or noticing things about their actions, that sets a tone for them and and begins the process of teaching them how to do that on their own, And that’s really the ultimate goal. We’re not always going to be there to say, Hey, have you noticed this? They need to learn how to do that themselves, because there’s not always going to be someone to nag or nudge them in the room. And so it really is twofold there You’re you’re helping them to notice and make changes, but also setting them up for success in the future.
0:18:59 – Speaker 4
I love that because you know I have a 16-year-old And everything that I do from a parenting perspective right now. I think in two years she’s on her own and two years She’s not having me here. So is she managing it Well? and what do I need? to shape and mold and nudge a little right now So she sees so that when she goes off by herself she’s a productive human with healthy habits and Will she get out of whack with social media and other things? Absolutely just like I do. But she’ll notice it because we’ve had the Conversations to get her moving in that direction.
0:19:34 – Speaker 3
So you’re talking about it as far as like games and social media and screens and stuff. I think that’s a great way to Approach it absolutely. But what about things that are just like everyday things like clean your nasty room child, Like the smell in here is old cheese and dead broaches? I mean, I don’t know Whatever it is for your household That’s a struggle because you want your kids to be responsible and do chores and not be nasty. But how do you get them to do the things that nobody wants to do without turning into a nag?
0:20:10 – Speaker 4
I’m laughing because of the word nasty Saw this meme the other day it was a while back and it said something about like When you walk into a teenager’s room, it’s like you, you find all these dishes Like forks and nasty down, just gross right. And we’ve all been there, we’ve all been that. I was, you know, as a teenager. I was not, i was messy, i was not on top of it, like I am now and is organized And so I get it. But you know it, this is just like the screen conversation to me, like for the older kids, you know, like I have two teenagers and so for me, you know, it’s just not effective at this age to be like get up and clean your room now. Like I need it clean. Like they’re just rolling their eyes, you know, and they may go in and pick up one sock or whatever. They’re not like motivated to do something about it. They’re just like pleasing me And I think, just like the, just like the idea that we introduced on Protect your heart and mind, show and you can go listen to that.
This is the same concept We don’t want to just tell our kids don’t look at porn. It’s more about like the why behind it like this is the, the dangers of it, You know, getting them to understand, and then they’re responsible for it. That’s when we’re gonna, you know, create real change, raise a real generation That’s going to be different and be able to think through their actions and behaviors.
0:21:40 – Speaker 3
You know, that’s awesome And I I think with younger kids, that can work too. One of the things that we have done is, you know, with kids that are little, they have no problem Saying how they feel out loud, even if it’s in an inappropriate situation, like look at that band with a patch. You know, they just say what they see. And so if you have young kids that was really random, by the way, but it happened to us at each Um it’s a real life example here. Real-life example, you know, when you have younger kids, a lot of times you’re still doing things like play dates and going to different places. And I don’t know about you, but my kids are very vocal about like, oh, you know, i saw this, or this family does this this way, and there they’ll say I didn’t really care for that or I really like that, because that’s something that we could do, and so that’s been really helpful for me with things like cleaning their room or Having chores.
Because when I notice that their rooms are clean or they haven’t done their chores, i’ll say, hey, remember that time when we were here, bump, bump, bump, and you said, man, it was uncomfortable around all of that clutter, or I didn’t like the way I felt when we sat down and Things just felt dirty to me.
I said remember that. And they’re like, yeah, i’m like how do you think that happens? And then we go through that process of over time. If you don’t do a little bit every day, if you don’t take care of your things or if you don’t put things in their place, it just builds up and then you feel overwhelmed by it and you don’t even know where to start. So might as well do a little bit every day, and then you feel organized and calm in your space. And being able to explain it that way has helped my kids tremendously, and so now they have a routine every day that they do, and I don’t have to nag them, i don’t have to get in there and be like crazy lady, which makes it easier for me to parent.
0:23:28 – Speaker 4
You’ve created a routine like a standard operating procedure, and so it’s a lot less even nudging at this point, because it’s just their beat, that’s what they do.
0:23:37 – Speaker 3
Point out what they like and what they don’t like and remind them it applies to their own life and there’s a process to getting there and keeping it there and I think that helps them. I think it helps them a lot.
0:23:46 – Speaker 4
I agree, and you know, one of the things I do with my older kids I will say stuff like again, just like I handle kind of the screen conversation, i will say you know, i’ve noticed when you are more productive, like in your time management is better. When your room is clean, there’s something to be said about how you feel organized and then you tackle other projects. Yeah, and doesn’t that make you feel better? You know, again, pointing out that behavior of what we want to see, because we know that they’re, you know, just setting the tone and taking more responsibility by cleaning their room, turning off the screens, and then it becomes an ingrained piece of who they are instead of, oh, i just have to do what mom and dad barks out the orders to do, right, there’s a huge difference, and I think this is where we see that nudge versus the nagging. You know, one other thing that I think we really need to state on this show is if you know, like if you’re being nudged by the Holy Spirit, like you have this feeling in you. You know, yes, it can lead you astray Sometimes, a feeling can lead you astray Absolutely, but if this thing just keeps coming up over and over, and I think about this like something’s off with my kid. I can tell a difference in their behavior. I know my kid, something’s wrong. They’ve either seen something, somebody’s tried something.
You know, if you have that nudging of the Holy Spirit, you need to follow that always. You know you’re not nagging your child by continually asking them if they’re okay Or hey, we need to talk about this because I’m afraid you may see this on a screen And I just want to put that out there. Like, don’t ignore that Sometimes in many of these conversations, really in all of these conversations, we have to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide us, because we know our kid And if we know God he’s, he he’s in our heart. With the Holy Spirit, he’s going to guide these conversations on where we need to go, how we need to nudge and how we not need to be overbearing in a nag, but nudging them into healthy dialogue. Remember, healthy dialogue conversation in that, even mixed with routine, like what you said, kim, it can help us stay out of that nag zone.
0:26:12 – Speaker 3
For our wrap up segment today. Let’s remember number one sometimes our kids need to nudge, gently, nudge them into a healthy conversation to address the issue. And number two when continually nagging our kids without any conversation, it can really hurt or damage the relationship. And number three lean on the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
0:26:34 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
