0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim On AM630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:36 – Speaker 2
Today we’re talking about managing emotions and feelings.
0:00:40 – Speaker 3
Oh, this sounds like a really bad show. All the husbands are like I don’t know.
0:00:46 – Speaker 2
OK, so it’s easy for us to think of a time when we’ve reacted with lots of emotions to a situation, whether good or bad. They’re countless.
0:00:56 – Speaker 3
There are countless stories that I could share here.
0:00:58 – Speaker 2
Some of them stand out more than others, and especially if you’re a parent, you could probably think of something that happened in the last five minutes. You know, I’m telling you my kids, when they came along, a whole new side of me came out that I didn’t even know existed. And I am not joking Like there is this side that was activated by having children that I’ve had to learn how to manage. You know, and it’s funny because sometimes those emotions are good and they’re valid, but the timing is wrong.
So, that’s like a whole other thing to talk about.
0:01:27 – Speaker 3
0:01:28 – Speaker 2
Can you think of any of those that stand out for?
0:01:30 – Speaker 3
you. Well, I have lots with my kids. I have a lot of stories with my kids. I think the one, that kind of the most recent one that happened with my husband, is kind of on my mind, so I’ll share that. I’ll share that one. So you know, he came home from work and he is a long commute, long day, stressful day, you know whatever, but I had a long day too stressful day.
0:01:52 – Speaker 2
I remember there was a whole lot going on. I had a lot going on.
0:01:56 – Speaker 3
nextTalk events videos.
You know getting ready to speak and the content Me, it’s just a lot the book, editing, all of it. And he came home and you know I’m getting dinner ready, everything, and I’m at the kitchen island doing managing homework, because my kids are right there doing homework. So I’m answering those questions, I’m cooking, I’m unloading the dishwasher and I’m also responding to nextTalk text. In the middle of all of it, which I shouldn’t have been. I shouldn’t have been but nevertheless, like it all had to get done and he comes home and sets in his chair.
0:02:30 – Speaker 2
It’s not just any chair either. For some reason, I feel it’s important to say that it is a lazy boy chair.
0:02:36 – Speaker 3
And it is he wanted it Like. I don’t like the style of it, I don’t like the color of it.
0:02:44 – Speaker 2
This is you’re getting really into some business right now because there is something about a chair that reclines and the feet come up. Yes, and it doesn’t match your decor. Like nothing can be happening, it will set you off, so that is the thing too.
0:02:57 – Speaker 3
I didn’t get the contemporary designer type chair that I wanted in that space and we have a limited space. It looks like a warm bear, it is like a chocolate brown, it’s very soft, yes and but. But I let him have because I realized, you know, he has back problems.
0:03:17 – Speaker 1
I mean he’s in the car.
0:03:18 – Speaker 2
He’s in a car for two hours.
0:03:20 – Speaker 3
And so that was one of those things where I was like you get your chair, but I’m picking out the couch Like I get to do the couch. Anyway, you are really getting me deep in the business today In the business. So he’s sitting in the chair and he’s on his phone, probably responding to work emails. I don’t know. All I know is that I am losing my mind.
0:03:42 – Speaker 2
You’re starting to turn red Hives.
0:03:45 – Speaker 3
I am looking at him and all kinds of bad words are going through my head, like I am like is he clueless? Like he does not see that I’m completely stressed out. Right, I am just really stressed out and in my mind, I’m like telling him off. I’m like everything, yeah, but I don’t say anything to him. Instead, what happens is this passive, aggressive behavior that comes out.
I have no idea what you mean so when dinner time is ready, I’m like are you ever going to get up? Are you ever going to get up? We are over here, we are praying, we are starting our prayer right now, and he is talking to Jesus.
Where are you? He’s like looking at me, like can you take it down a notch? And that just set me off. That makes it worse. I am like what? Take it down. Like I am being kind to you right now that I’m not pulling you outside, and like ripping you a new one. Right now I am being kind, but he is seeing evil.
0:04:41 – Speaker 2
Mandy yes, and he’s like what just happened.
0:04:44 – Speaker 3
He is seeing. He was relaxing.
0:04:46 – Speaker 2
Everything was fine, you were handling everything.
0:04:49 – Speaker 3
So, needless to say, we did not have a great dinner that night. I was pretty quiet. He was pretty mad. You know the kids were talking about something, I don’t know. It was just one of those nights. And you know, later on I just was so mad and so I couldn’t even address it that night. I was still so mad.
The next day he called me and on his way home we use his commute time in the car to talk a lot and he called me and he’s like listen, I just need you to know I’ve had a horrible day, I have had a horrible day and I need to come home. I may even just need to go to bed and again fumes. Like I started replaying what happened the night before because I’m like well, last night was a bad night, like last night I gave you some space. And in that moment I realized I need to just tell him, like I need to have a conversation with him, because all my emotions and my feelings were just clouding my judgment. And so I literally welled up and he could tell I was crying. He was like what’s wrong with you, what’s wrong, what’s wrong.
You know, and I said I have had a really awful day too, and yesterday was awful, and I need you to just understand that we’re both having bad days and I know that I was really mean to you last night, but it was me trying to cope with my bad day but not telling you that I had a bad day because I was trying to be strong and like, help you and he was like it changed everything Me just telling him that he was like, babe, I didn’t know, I didn’t know.
He said if you would have told me this yesterday, I would not have gone and sat in my chair Like I would have came in and taken over and done everything and you could have gone to the bedroom and you could have had a minute. And so we talked through it and it was just beautiful. And that night, even though he had a bad day at work, and he, you know, he originally called me saying I can’t do anything it was amazing. He walked through the door and it was like he dug deep down in and he was like I gotta be the man right now because she’s struggling. You know, I got a man up here and he took over and it was amazing and I told him that night I’m like thank you, like thank you, and he’s like babe, all you had to do was tell me Like I can’t read your mind.
0:06:54 – Speaker 2
So good and so hard.
0:06:57 – Speaker 3
It’s so hard because the emotions take over and in my mind I was thinking I’m being this strong when he’s at a rough day. He needs some downtime, like I can handle it. But it came out all passive, aggressive and mean and and I just have to learn to deal with my emotions better.
0:07:13 – Speaker 2
It’s so hard it really is, and especially women were emotion driven and but we’re also the caretakers, so we feel like that’s our responsibility, like we gotta make sure everything’s okay, and but I’m so emotional about it. So it’s a lot to manage and it’s a lot to understand, and when those expectations are not met, that’s where those emotions a lot of times go crazy.
And when they’re not clear, our emotions go crazy, but the cool thing is God knew this was gonna be a struggle, like as with everything we talked about here in the nextTalk you know, we’re over here like flailing, like crazy people, like what do we do?
Yeah, in real life, yeah, and he’s like hey yo. Not that God would say hey yo, maybe he would, I don’t know, I’ll ask him when I get there. But he’s like hey yo. I knew this would happen before time began and I tried to prepare you by offering you words of wisdom, by giving you the answer in my book. This is a long scripture. Hang in there. It’s a good one though Galatians 5, 16 to 24. So I say walk by the spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh, For the flesh desires what is contrary to the spirit, and the spirit was contrary to the flesh. Now you felt that before, right, Like that tug.
0:08:25 – Speaker 3
I mean that is me right there in that story. Yes, the flesh was all over the place. But when I finally talked to him and listened to the spirit and was logical about it, took the emotion out of it, then he was okay.
0:08:38 – Speaker 2
That’s the spirit you know, tugging, tugging with the flesh, there’s a war going on.
There’s a war Now in 19,. It says. The acts of the flesh are obvious Sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition. The ones that I’m saying that are the ones I struggle with the most Descension and factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. Okay, I just had to say. When I read this first I was like, wait a minute. Drunkenness, idolatry, like big ones in there.
0:09:20 – Speaker 3
Well, I’m thinking orgies and sexual immorality. That’s where I went.
0:09:23 – Speaker 2
I was like orgies, those are really big sins. Those are like ones that were like whoa.
0:09:28 – Speaker 1
0:09:29 – Speaker 2
It’s in the same scripture of jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition and discord, All things that happen under my roof, all of them Well and. Because my emotions are sometimes out of control.
0:09:43 – Speaker 3
And right about now, after hearing my story, everybody’s like well, mandy had to fit a rage, so she’s really bad. Yes, I am, we are all struggling, Everybody.
0:09:52 – Speaker 2
I see I think these opposite. They’re like. I’m so glad to know that Mandy had to fit a rage, because I have those moments.
0:09:59 – Speaker 3
I think my blood pressure was really high that night, really high In my mind. I’m thinking we are not going to make it. We are not going to make it tomorrow, because I’m so mad at him right now.
0:10:09 – Speaker 2
And we have all. I mean bringing two humans together to live as one ain’t easy. So we’ve all been there. And then you add kids to this. You add kids and it’s like what bang? What just happened? So, going back to this verse and all of those things, think about your story and when you were able to take a step back and talk through it. The rest of the verse is what God promises. When we do that and I love it because it says the fruit of the spirit, when we live by the spirit instead of give in to the flesh is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
0:10:46 – Speaker 3
Yeah, that’s five, 22 and 23, those and I love those because it’s so true. Once I was able to let flesh Mandy get out of the way and actually talk to my husband and tell him what was bothering me. All of these things I saw in my marriage.
0:11:05 – Speaker 2
The fruit is just there waiting for us to say OK, ok, it’s worth it. And I know one of the biggest things that I have learned in dealing with my kids and my husband that leads me into the fruit versus away from God. When I have a fit of rage or I feel a fit of rage coming on is just to stop. That is the first thing.
0:11:28 – Speaker 3
Pause check, pause, pause and pray. That is the new little saying that I just tell myself all the time. Because we react, we do, we react, and you see it on social media. Somebody will post something awful and somebody will click in there real quick and I’m like, ok, you can tell that was not prayed over or anything Like that was very reactionary, you know it. You’re like, oh, you’re like, and you may even know the person, and you’re like oh, I know she didn’t need to say it like that, but she said it like that because she was reactionary. Like we’ve talked about this a lot.
0:11:58 – Speaker 2
So much, and so I feel like, as we’re creating this culture of communication in our homes, we want to model this for our kids.
We want to pour this into our kids so that they can have healthy relationships too that bear a lot of fruit. I think really the first step for me is identifying my triggers. It’s just like we talk about these pre-conversations Like, have the pre-conversation with yourself, I know in fact in your story is one of my triggers Take it down a notch. I don’t know why my mom never said that. I don’t know what it is those words. When all put together, something happens that ignites a fire in my soul.
0:12:31 – Speaker 3
When somebody says to you take it down a notch. Oh, I’m going to have to start saying that.
0:12:36 – Speaker 2
Oh my goodness, he knows, kim, take it down a notch. Yes, when we first got married, he said the first time he said that I turned around and it was like the devil was about to jump out of my eyes, I turned red. I don’t know what it is, but I take it personally and it is a trigger for me, so I know that now.
0:12:56 – Speaker 3
Well, and it sounds demeaning and controlling, it’s all kinds of things. Yes, so I can see why that would be a trigger, and it was for me too.
0:13:03 – Speaker 2
I mean, when he said it I was like what, but I didn’t realize everything that I had contributed to lead up to that moment, absolutely, and I think knowing our triggers personally, the things that really upset us whether it’s a sadness or an anger, like really doing some self-work and asking God to show you those helps, because you’ll know ahead of times. All right, this is a sensitive area for me and you can tell your husband that my husband knows like I’m just not going to say that anymore, it’s not worth it.
Whether it makes sense or not, I want to put that in there. Whether it makes sense or not, if you know it’s hurtful or hard, it doesn’t need to be said.
0:13:39 – Speaker 3
Well, and it’s good to know your own triggers, but if you can move into this space where you know your spouse’s trigger’s, true, that is so beneficial. Exactly, I grew up we talk about this a lot because we kind of grew up the same way single moms and I always felt like and I didn’t realize this till I was older but I felt like I needed to be perfect. Yes, because if I would have been perfect, they would have stayed together, nobody would have left right, same here. And so I struggle with that a lot. And even now I mean just this week, we were doing something and I was not good at it and all of the emotions came rushing back. You need to quit everything. You’re not good enough. This is not right for you.
All of those emotions, and I’ve been in this long enough that I recognized them this time. And I was so proud of myself Because before I would have, you know, been a week of turmoil and yuck and not available, bad mood. Yes, but I recognize at this time it took me a couple hours. I was, I was in the funk for a couple hours and then I was like this is a trigger for me. Satan is wanting me to feel awful, so that he does not want me to move forward and I have to stop it right now. I was not great on that. I didn’t do a good job, and guess what? That’s okay.
0:14:55 – Speaker 2
0:14:56 – Speaker 3
God still loves me, my family still love me, my friends still love me. It’s okay that I messed it up.
0:15:01 – Speaker 2
You know that’s a really good point that we talked about in one of our marriage shows. Charles and I did a show about knowing your spouse’s stuff. Yeah, like that conversation is so key, like being honest and as embarrassing as it can be or emotional or difficult, it helps so much to bring you to that place of peace. Yeah, and it also helps when you’re going through something in your, your spouse can be there with you. Like remember when we talked about this and you know it’s one of your triggers and let’s pray about it.
0:15:29 – Speaker 3
Yes, it really. You respond and calm instead of emotion because you know the triggers. You know the trigger. If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk radio at 2 pm On a m 6 30. The word nextTalk radio is Listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nextTalk org and click on give.
0:15:54 – Speaker 2
When we talk about losing our minds and getting crazy in a moment. I think one of the ways to help our kids is we begin to practice that parent filter that you talk about in your book. Yeah, when they see that we’re able to step back and they see that we’re listening and we’re calm, and even though all this is happening on the Inside, mm-hmm that just applies to all parts of life.
0:16:12 – Speaker 3
Yeah, take a minute.
Well, take a minute, yeah, pause and pray. Take a minute, yes, you know, and be transparent with them, like as much as you can in age appropriate ways. So this whole situation with my husband and I we told our kids about it. Yes, and I was like mommy was a crazy person and that’s why she was being mean to daddy and that’s why daddy snapped at her, because daddy didn’t know where I was coming from and it was all because we were not communicating. Yes, because as soon as I told daddy my struggles, he stepped it up and it was fine.
0:16:39 – Speaker 2
Yes, and it was a lesson for them it is, and you get to show them the process. Yes turmoil, recognition and resolve. So make sure you end up with the resolve by saying I went back and apologized or I we found a solution that worked, so that they see that it’s okay that sometimes things don’t go beautiful and you pretty all the time, but we have a process to work through it and we get to a place of resolve. I mean, that’s such a great lesson for kids.
0:17:08 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think it’s so good, as with everything, to start the conversation so early Like little. I mean I love what you do with your kids about. Name that emotion. I love that. Maybe tell them for our listeners who may not have heard that, and you say that before it’s really good.
0:17:24 – Speaker 2
Well, just in the simplest of terms, when my kids are going through something and freaking out or sad, or whatever it might be, I’ll say what are you feeling? Name that emotion almost like a game show, and when they can identify it, put a word to it and then we can define it. It helps them understand what’s happening to them and then it helps me, when it happens again, to say remember, that’s whatever.
0:17:44 – Speaker 3
That’s anger, that’s anger.
0:17:46 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and how can? When we come up with some ways to deal with those emotions. So if it’s anger like we know we can go to the punching bag, or we know we can go and scream in our room and then we come back and we talk it through. So it gives them some key steps to deal with that specific emotion.
0:18:01 – Speaker 3
And you’re going to need that because the teen years, you know you got the hormones playing into everything the doors slamming and the emotions and if you’re talking through this early, like you are, and then you’re using examples in your marriage to kind of you know, foster this communication and examples and that sort of thing. When the teen years hit, there’s still going to be emotion because of the hormones, but it’s much easier to deal with because it helps them identify it. Like I can say is this like when I got mad at dad? Is this the fits of like you’re mad at me right now? But the problem is you’re not telling me what the problem is Like. I need you to communicate with me and then I’ll help you, but I can’t read your mind right now, kind of thing. So it helps just this continual conversation.
0:18:43 – Speaker 2
You know Kristen Jensen’s book. It is about pornography, but she sets up this idea about the thinking brain and the emotional brain and we’ve used that too. It’s been super helpful Because we started using that with our little girl when she was two and she just started saying it now that she’s three. She’ll be like acting like a crazy person, she’s super emotional over, like the wrong serial, and I’ll say, okay, hold on just a second. And she’ll put her finger on her forehead and she’ll move it over the top of her head to the other side and she’ll say I’m moving from my emotions to my thinking brain and her cute little voice.
And she’ll calm down and she’ll say I just wanted the other serial. I’m like awesome, done, no problem. And the more that we do it, the more she’s like I could just start. I’ll say you could have just started on the thinking brain, we don’t have to start on the emotion brain and she’ll laugh and it’s gotten better.
0:19:28 – Speaker 3
What a great. I mean it can be used for so much more than pornography. Like you said, that is good pictures, bad pictures. Kristen Jensen, we did a show with her. You can look that up and listen to that. We go into more detail there.
0:19:39 – Speaker 2
I have started doing this thing for a while now from the Bible verse John 3.30. He must increase, but I must decrease. And I mentioned this in another show too, but sometimes I will just say over and over in my head decrease, Decrease.
0:19:51 – Speaker 3
It’s telling the flesh to kind of get out like flesh. I cannot handle this. I’m not going to handle it.
0:19:56 – Speaker 2
well it’s just a verbal marker to myself Like you are acting a fool, right now. Like decrease, decrease and invite the spirit in the takeover, because sometimes that’s all you have left when you’re at the bottom.
0:20:07 – Speaker 3
You know, one of my favorite quotes about this is from Jennifer Rothschild and she says feelings are powerful, but they don’t always represent truth. And I say that to myself over and over again. I will say it to my teen daughter. I’m like I know you’re feeling like nobody’s on your side right now. Feelings are powerful, but that may not be true, like what is your truth. And it’s, I mean it’s again. It goes back to that Bible verse that you shared between flesh and spirit.
0:20:33 – Speaker 2
It’s that recipe Reminding yourself of what is really true. Yeah, and you know, in all of this I love practical things. I really do, because I think as parents, we’re juggling so much and we’re working through all these emotions and parenting, all this shift in parenting. There’s so much. We can just have practical steps. Sometimes it’s helpful and I noticed in myself at about 36 years old I started to, certain times of the month, just be a little more intense and angry and just all those hormones.
0:21:02 – Speaker 3
Welcome to middle age girl.
0:21:03 – Speaker 2
Yes, super duper over here in the old town. Yes, I, those emotions and hormones intensified like overnight, yeah, and I was like what is happening? Yeah, and it has helped me.
Just the practical point of noting on my planner what in the world is going on that day Like? There are days when I feel like I’m quitting everything, I’m not gonna be a mom anymore. I’m moving to Alaska and I will literally make notes on my planner and, like clockwork, I can see it coming the next month, almost on the same day, and it prepares me to prepare myself. As crazy as that sounds, it helps me to move from my emotional brain to my thinking brain and not live in all that mess. It’s just and I can prepare my husband.
0:21:45 – Speaker 3
I’m like crazy town is so funny. So this is funny because I don’t plot it on my calendar. But sometimes my husband will be like it’s almost that time of the month. I give in the devil eye because I’m like what? But he’s right he can tell, and now that I’m being more aware of it and my tone and how I’m interacting with everybody, I see it more in myself.
0:22:08 – Speaker 2
It’s unreal, it is a thing, it’s a thing, it’s a thing, and it is okay to be emotional sometimes. We don’t want our kids to think that they are stuffing their emotions. Right, let’s not take it there.
0:22:17 – Speaker 3
We want them to fall in love, we want them to feel, we want them to have joy. All those wonderful, amazing. But there’s also the bad feelings and emotions that we need to deal with. The ones that cause spirals to happen.
0:22:30 – Speaker 2
Yes, and as my husband says, he’s like, anger is real and okay, justified and righteous anger is okay. And we need to explain to our kids about all those types of emotions. The key is having a healthy, productive way of dealing with them.
0:22:42 – Speaker 3
I love that.
0:22:43 – Speaker 2
I love that I don’t want my kids to feel like they can’t get angry.
0:22:46 – Speaker 3
Because I get angry. Or sad, and sometimes it’s okay to be sad, and sometimes the spirit of God works and create a passion with you. I mean, I remember when we first started this whole thing we were angry at everything coming at our kids, but we had to channel that, we had to fuel it and do productive things out of it, not just setting that anger. It’s what we do with it.
0:23:05 – Speaker 2
I love that. What Charles said, yes. So I think to looking at the impact of our emotions is also helpful sometimes. How can I make this better? Do I need to remove myself? Do I need to go back and apologize? Talk yourself through those things. Those are some real practical things to do.
0:23:20 – Speaker 3
Well, and one thing that you and I have been talking about our food and our health and exercise. I mean we really did a bunch of things together in the beginning of the year and we really noticed a big change, like we were more perceptive, we weren’t all clogged, I mean, we were just so much more alert.
Yes, we were like oh my gosh, the food that we put in our body really fuels our body. It was like that light bulb moment. And it’s not like we don’t all know this, I know, but it’s hard work. It’s the same thing with open communication. One more thing that pay attention to. We know that it’s important, but it’s hard work. It’s hard work. The awkward conversations are hard work.
0:23:58 – Speaker 2
I just want to throw in here a little bit about health, since we are talking about that. And we are going into a marriage series again, and we’re going to address midlife crisis, the reality of it and what that looks like for men and women. When you’re feeling these emotions, yes, it’s normal. We all have those moments. They will come and go. I think it’s really important, though, to know when it’s crossed a line.
0:24:21 – Speaker 3
0:24:21 – Speaker 2
When it becomes the norm. Yes, when you feel so out of control that you can’t get back to the norm you need to have counseling.
0:24:27 – Speaker 3
We need to get into counseling you need, yes.
0:24:29 – Speaker 2
Yes, because there is a point where you may need counseling, or there is a point where you may need to get some help from your doctor, and I think it’s important to pay attention to our spouse on this.
0:24:38 – Speaker 3
0:24:39 – Speaker 2
I mean, they know us better than anyone through all these seasons of life. Yes, and recently I was just having one of those days and it felt like the end of the world and my husband was like we are all here, I’m going to pray over you and I need you to know this was not you yesterday and I don’t believe this is going to be you tomorrow. And he prayed with me and he just let me cry and I woke up the next day and I was fine.
0:25:01 – Speaker 3
0:25:02 – Speaker 2
But if that continued on, I also know he’d say you know what? It’s time, I need some help. It’s time, and it is a humbling thing to hear those words. It’s a humbling thing to allow someone to know you that well, but it’s so important. When you need help, you need help and there’s no shame in that. To summarize the talking points today identify your high emotion triggers and find strategies to help avoid overreacting. Have continual conversations about healthy ways to process emotions and focus on the fruits of the spirit when we practice self-control, because they are worth it.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone, trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page