0:00:03 – Speaker 1
Hey, this is Mandy and Kim with nextTalk, where we are passionate about keeping kids safe in the digital world.
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0:00:32 – Speaker 1
More than cyber parenting conversations to connect, I thought asked the same question by two different moms the other day. Oh my, I was like we got to do a show. The question my child? I’ve determined they’re ready for social media, So where should I start, Mandy? What platform?
0:00:50 – Speaker 2
Well, it can be overwhelming because there’s so many options and when your kid comes to you and they’re like I am ready for social media or they’re bugging you about it All my friends have it except for me I think it’s really important One. You know, we’ve talked about this before. Don’t give it to them just because all their friends have it or because it’s quote unquote time. According to them, it really needs to be a decision that you’ve made based on their behavior, them showing you that they have been responsible, that they’re reporting things and following the guidelines that you’ve set up. There needs to be a real reason why and that be a part of the process of giving them that platform Well, and here’s the thing Let’s change our terminology.
0:01:31 – Speaker 1
Let’s not say give them the platform. Let’s say they earned the platform. There you go. Okay, because that’s the thing We want them to earn it. You know, it’s not a right of passage. When you turn 13 or on your 14th birthday, you don’t just get Instagram. They have to display that they’re ready for this level of freedom, and these moms knew that.
Like five or so years ago, i started my kid on Instagram. So they were like do you still recommend that? Is that where I should begin? And my answer was yes, instagram. But let me tell you there’s a lot of reasons why. So, first of all, the main reason why I say Instagram on a starter platform, there is porn on Instagram. There is bullying on Instagram. There’s all the things that you’re going to find on every social media platform on Instagram. Okay, so that’s a safe option by any means. First of all, i want to start with that disclaimer. But the reason I say Instagram is because you can be logged into their account on your phone, and that’s extremely important because it’s different than following your kid’s account. When you’re logged in on their account, you can see their DMs, their direct messages, and when they’re first starting out. This is important Now as they grow and earn trust. You’re going to give them more privacy on that, but they need help starting out. It’s like teaching them to drive when we’re in social media education, you know right now.
0:02:58 – Speaker 2
They’ve got their learner’s permit and you’re in the car with them.
0:03:02 – Speaker 1
So if you don’t know how to do that, you can email us at admin at nextTalk.org. But it’s pretty easy. Under Instagram, you know, you would go to your name at the top where it says your account name, and you click that. It gives you the option to log in or create a new account, and then you log in with their password and their information And then you’ll be able to go between your account and their account. It’s really easy to do, yeah.
0:03:29 – Speaker 2
That’s really great because you can see what they’re looking at, what they’re doing like you said, their direct messages and kind of see how they’re navigating it. If they’re struggling, if they’re making some poor choices that you need to address, you can also add things to their feed, right?
0:03:43 – Speaker 1
Yes, when I was a kid first started out on Instagram, my guideline was you can only follow people in real life that you know. But then I also added some pastors and people I trusted that they didn’t know, and my point was that I wanted their feed to be full of positive things. I knew that maybe a lot of their friends weren’t going to be posting sermon clips or Bible verses or whatever.
And I wanted that sprinkled in in the beginning so they could get good stuff on social media too. So my kids right now I have a 14 year old son. He’s my baby. He has one social media platform and it’s Instagram. My 18 year old, you know we started her with Instagram and then we taught her Snapchat, Twitter and TikTok. Tiktok was the very last and we’ve done a lot of shows on why, But that was the order that we taught her in, And each time that they earned the social media platform, it was because they brought something to us and they told us what was happening. And it may have been just in a friend group or you know. It may not have had to do anything with screens, or it may have had to do with porn popping up, And then they showed us and we talked about it. Whatever it was, we caught them doing something amazing And then we said because you did this, you are now earning this social media platform.
0:05:05 – Speaker 2
So, mandy, as you’re talking about, like recognizing when your child does something awesome or reports or says something or brings something to you that you’ve asked them to it reminds me about the show that we just did that we want to point you to. If you’re in that phase, you haven’t given them a phone or you haven’t given them social media yet and you’re wondering, well, what is it exactly that you’re talking about? We just did a show. My kid is online and they’re not telling me anything bad. They outlined five very clear and specific things that you can implement in your family that if your kid is even just watching TV or on the playground or at youth group, they’re going to see some of these things or experience them. And then, if you fast forward to them having a tablet or maybe they’re online gaming or they do have a phone or social media if your kid knows the things that you want reported, they will be coming to you because we guarantee you they’re seeing them.
So, first of all, we have to clarify for our kids exactly what we want them to tell us about. That show. Does that really well? So go listen to it. We’re currently in that phase. My kid, since he was young was reporting things and coming to us and really doing a good job of that, and so he earned a phone. But now it’s a process of watching how he handles that so that when the time comes for social media, we’ll know if he’s ready. You know, has he been doing all the things that we’ve asked, and so it’s definitely a process, but it starts with being clear about what you want reported.
0:06:29 – Speaker 1
Yeah, you know, i think back to when we my kids first earned social media. My husband and I, we would talk about it and we would say, wow, it was really awesome that they brought that to us. I think we’re moving in the direction that they’re ready for that. We were kind of on the same page that they were almost getting ready to earn their first social media platform. So then when it actually happened, we went away right immediately because we were already on the same page, we were moving in that direction. We had all these examples to present to our kid. These are the reasons you’re getting this And I love what you said about that show, because it’s great.
You need to implement that before, because that way it’s clear expectations and then they report that to you and it’s positive reinforcement. Thank you for telling me Always. Come tell me now you’ve earned that, because you’ve told me you’ve earned more freedom. Right, when they finally get that first social media platform, you need to revisit those and say I still have those same expectations when you’re on this platform, so remind them of that. The other thing is, kim and I think this is really important We get asked all the time, you know, about the invasion of privacy with phones. We even did a separate show on that. You know, my kid thinks this is an invasion of privacy.
0:07:39 – Speaker 2
Why don’t you trust me?
0:07:41 – Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, go listen to that. I’ve heard so many good comments about that show. One of the things with monitoring Instagram we want to be in their online world, especially when they begin, you know, and we’re logged into those accounts. But at the same time, we don’t want to be crazy parent mode either, right, We don’t want to be crazy helicopter moms. So, you know, I told you it’s good to be logged into their account because you’re going to see their DMs and you’re going to get those notifications on your phone. You’re going to pop up Your son has a DM.
You’re saying, you know, and they’re going to, you’re going to see like a line of it, but you can’t see the whole message. Here’s my line that I won’t cross, And it’s kind of like a give and take in our relationship. I am not going to read that DM before they do, And this is the reason, because it tells the other reader that you’ve read it And so what? I don’t want my kid to do and I don’t want my kid to be at school and a classmate is DMing them And I’m reading it and they’re walking in the hallway and they’re saying why didn’t you reply to that?
You looked at it five minutes ago. It just feels kind of weird like, oh my gosh, mom’s up in my business all the time. That’s kind of where I give and take on this a little. I still look at the DMs, but I wait until there’s no unread DMs And I still do random phone checks. And listen, you will do more random phone checks in the beginning, Then you will. You know, I’m checking my 14 year olds phone way more than I’m checking my 18 year old Of course yeah, and so this is again.
We always use that kite illustration from an old pastor. You know you’re letting out the string and when there’s bumps or mistakes you reel it back in. You teach the lesson and then they get to fly again. They get to earn the freedom and go fly again absolutely.
0:09:26 – Speaker 2
I think, kind of a We’re more of an observer than a participant in the conversation and i think that that shows a little bit of respect to our kid, like, yes, it’s okay for you to have a conversation through dms with your friend or with that girl or whatever it might be. I’m gonna observe it, but it is your conversation. I just think that they’ll appreciate that and it still allows you to make sure that they’re talking about and participating in things that are okay.
0:09:52 – Speaker 1
What shows them a little bit of respect. It’s a given take right, but you’re still involved. The other thing is, if they’re only following people they know in real life, they’re only gonna be dm people they know in real life. But that needs to be a conversation. You cannot dm stream. Yeah, especially when they first start out. Now, like my eighteen year old is different, because she does thrifting online, she, you know there’s different levels.
0:10:15 – Speaker 2
When they first start out, they should not be talking to any kind of stranger who they do not know in real life through dm, because that’s a private area of conversation i will say this and this is something that we’ve had to say on almost every show is Every family, in every situation, in every kid, is different, and so it’s very important that you don’t just take our suggestions and make it across the line. This is how it is. It’s important that you take those and you tailor it to fit your situation. Select for my son. He has a business and he has to talk to strangers in order to sell some of his goods, but it’s always with me there. He says okay, mom, i have a buyer. Can we sit down and dm this person? yes, and we take care of it and we move forward Again. If i just said no dming, it wouldn’t apply to this situation. So you’ve got to know your kid and your situation, apply respect and common sense to it and then move forward together with a plan that works.
0:11:10 – Speaker 1
Well, this is what we say all the time. We say move past the rules and get to the relationship right. The rules and the practical stuff. We’re giving them to you, but not everything’s black and white and so meet them in the middle, figure it out together on how you’re gonna keep them safe. You know, talking about dm and strangers.
We did a great show on talking to your kids about grooming, and if your kids are online at all, you do need to be talking to them about the red flags. So you know, once your kid has access to social media, you need to be saying to your kid If anybody’s ever asking you where do you go to school, where do you go to church like personal information that’s a red flag alert. If anyone is, you know, just trying to be friend you or get you on their side or say bad things about your parents to make you feel like i’m on your side but your parents aren’t, that’s a red flag that you’re being manipulated. And so, again, just continually having these conversations i mean i’m covering one of those guidelines that we have. From that show you mentioned earlier camera we lay out the five expectations and one of those is this exact same thing, but it’s such an important topic i want to highlight it here as well.
0:12:19 – Speaker 2
I just want to mention to you and we’ve said this before that it’s kind of good for your kids to know that you know, if you know what i mean, like you’re not completely unaware of the world that they are kind of now experiencing. So any chance in any way that you can give your kids a heads up about what they’re about to walk into Is not only good for them but also shows them hey, i know what goes on here and so prepare your kid, be like hey, you’re gonna see a lot of new adult content. It’s possible you’re gonna see this, this, maybe. Give them some examples, without over exposing them, of course. I think that’s good on a couple of different levels. So, just like you prepare them to drive a car, you might run into this road hazard, you might experience this in the rain. Do the same with social media. Give them a heads up and let them know before they are in it.
0:13:06 – Speaker 1
Well, and I would just kind of piggyback off of what you said If, if they’re walking into social media, there’s not a lot of age appropriates, that can’t say that they’re not gonna see. So you need to say you’re gonna see the F-bomb, you’re gonna see bullying, you’re gonna see bad pictures, you’re gonna see people without clothes on, you’re gonna, and so all of those things. I’m expecting that you tell me. And it is a kind of like oh, mom knows a little bit of what she says. You’ve got this little window when they first start using social media, where they do think you know something and it goes away. It’s not obvious the case. In a couple years from now, you’re gonna be arguing different sides of opinions, you know, because that’s the natural of I know everything at that 17, right? I?
0:13:49 – Speaker 2
always liked that, so true, oh, my goodness, you know. One more thing I think we need to throw out there is it’s okay in the beginning And I think helpful to set a time limit, because you know when they first log in there and they’re starting to look around and you know, wow, they can just get sucked in so easily and lose track of time. I think that just helps them be aware and stay on track and not be completely overwhelmed by this new freedom and this new platform. So I think that’s just a helpful thing. It helps them learn how to manage their time too.
0:14:18 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and I would make this part of the conversation when you actually say you’ve earned social media and you’ve earned it because of these three examples. You know, you came to me when you sell porn, you came to me when your friend group was doing whatever. I mean, give specific examples about why they’re earning it and then say you know, talk about your guidelines, talk about your expectations, but that’s part of it. Say, because this is something new And I know that sometimes you can get sidetracked with social media, how about if we set a time limit so you don’t waste a lot of time and we, you know, we walk into this, we ease into it.
And, parents, if you have Apple devices under settings screen time you can set app limits So you can go in for Instagram and say you know an hour a day or whatever, and it will alert you if your kid wants more time and you can improve for 15 more minutes, for 30 more minutes, whatever. So you have those options to extend. You know, say you have a snow day or you’re home, you’re quarantined with COVID or whatever, and you’re allowing more screen time that day. That day you can overwrite it from your phone with a passcode, but it’s smart to set a time limit in the beginning And you can put it on yourself.
0:15:32 – Speaker 2
We all need our limits, just as you’re saying. I was like I think maybe I need to put a time limit on myself.
0:15:37 – Speaker 1
Oh, every week when I get my weekly report and it’s showing me how much time I spend online. I know I do a lot of work stuff too, but I also have to be careful that I’m not using that as an example. Goodbye with the high level screen time. No, it’s shocking, shocking.
0:15:53 – Speaker 2
Well, this is a really big step. I mean, allowing your kid to have a phone or device is a huge step. And then, when you get to that next big momentous occasion of okay, we trust you, you’ve done this, that and the other social media, it’s gigantic. But if you’ve built that great foundation of open communication, you’re going to do fine. They’re going to do fine. It can be just a really cool milestone in their life.
0:16:17 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, and there will be bumps along the way. They will be exposed to things. They will post things that you don’t like. You’ll have to talk about the etiquette and the tone and all of that, but that’s part of it. You know, that’s real life learning how to navigate something. I would caution you this just do one at a time. Don’t jump in with Insta Snapchat all at once. I mean it’s just overload One at a time, step by step. Think of, you know, laying a foundation like a paver, like a backyard patio. You’re laying one paver at a time, building this relationship of learning their culture and understanding it together, navigating the online world as a team.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
