0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:11 – Speaker 2
Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim On AM 630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:38 – Speaker 3
Today we’re kicking off a new series. This is the month of marriage. I like it.
0:00:44 – Speaker 1
It’s a busy month. It is a busy month, but it’s important to talk about all the things happening under our roof and one of those things is our marriage. You know, here at nextTalk, we’re always encouraging you to create a culture of honest conversation in your home with your kids, but part of that is looking at all the other things that affect your kids, and marriage is a huge thing. We need to take the time, even if you’re a single parent, to look at what’s going on in your marriage, what’s going on with your co-parenting whatever it is those relationships affect your kids and your communication and what’s going on with them.
0:01:18 – Speaker 3
Well, and a lot of times, you know, in co-parenting situations, the gifts and some parents are getting electronics for Christmas and there’s got to be some communication about the guidelines for that. You know all of that kind of stuff.
0:01:29 – Speaker 1
Well, and if you’re talking about some big issues with your kid, you need to communicate that to your co-parent so that they know what’s been said and what’s going on in the environment.
0:01:40 – Speaker 3
Yeah, well, and I know, for Matt and I, you know, Christmas is just really focused on the kids. You know it’s the present, it’s making sure they understand the reason, the real reason behind it. So we do all these activities at church, which are all great. You know, I don’t want to minimize this but it’s just a lot on the calendar and so a lot of times it’s him and I and passing in the hallway. I love you whatever High fives.
Yes, yes, tag team, you’re it right. And so we just kind of wanted to take a month and kind of reflect on that and make sure that we’re really making time for our spouse. And even if you’re so busy this month and you can’t like implement some of these things, maybe that’s a goal in the new year, Absolutely. So I think that’s up on the new year. I’m going to implement some of these new ideas that we’re going to give you, that work kind of in our home Things we’re learning, learning together always.
0:02:29 – Speaker 1
And if you’ve never heard us say this before, our husbands get some of the highest ratings and listenership on our shows. Yes, it is humbling.
0:02:37 – Speaker 3
In fact, I know Matt, we were just in a group setting last week. Oh, yes, you were there. And he said to all these people I am the most high, charles and I are the most highest on the show. We’re having us back again. Like he felt the need to point that out. He felt the need like. But you know one thing I think our husbands are so relatable because they’re not like theologians or seminary graduates and all those things are amazing, like all those things. Being a pastor is like, so unique and it’s the it’s one of the hardest jobs, like I would not want to be a pastor. You have all of that on your shoulders. But I also feel like sometimes men have a hard time relating to it because it’s such a different and unique space. And our husbands you know my husband’s a business guy, your husband is in the public schools, like loving on kids from all different backgrounds, and I think they’re just really relatable with all the stress coming at them, with their secular jobs and with the balance of having a household.
0:03:44 – Speaker 1
Well, and they’re just guys. Guys, you know, as people say, a man’s man. They’re just down to earth, they love the Lord, but they’re inappropriate sometimes. You know what?
0:03:54 – Speaker 3
We need to talk about the show that. We should mention that one time. Oh yes, we had this idea that they were going to do a show by themselves, just for guys.
0:04:04 – Speaker 1
Just for the two guys.
0:04:05 – Speaker 3
Like we weren’t even in the room it’s going to be for dads and husbands. And it was so inappropriate.
0:04:11 – Speaker 1
It was so bad we had to delete it completely. It was unusable.
0:04:15 – Speaker 3
Although it’s in the far archives, Other guys that they’ve shared this with are like I want to hear it. I feel like I would love it. I know they shared some stories on there and the guys were like yes and they’re like no.
0:04:27 – Speaker 1
But I think that’s why their shows are so popular, because they are like your husband, who might make the joke about passing gas or whatever. They’re just dudes.
0:04:37 – Speaker 3
We had a situation recently. Actually, it was a night to remember. Let me just say that, okay.
0:04:44 – Speaker 1
No, kim, I don’t want to hear. No, Not what you’re thinking. Okay, cause, that’s good too. Not a making baby type of guy. That’s good too, that’s not bad, although that is good.
0:04:53 – Speaker 3
No, we had an event. No-transcript, we had a thing. We had a moment. My daughter had her first babysitting gig, like she was making money for the first time in her life, and my son got invited over to grandparents to lift rocks and he was going to be paid. So both of our kids were like child laboring out, like you were like yes, this is awesome.
So I said to my husband let’s go to dinner and let’s have a date night. Like they’re both off earning money. I’m like it was like a great night. I’m like yeah. I was like, yes, this is. We waited 14 years for this. So we were having dinner and a lady came up to us at the restaurant and she was like are you guys nextTalk? And so we were like, yes, you know, that’s us. And she and I’m getting ready to. I’m like bracing myself because I’m like she’s going to say she read my book or something.
The pride is starting to swell up in my heart right and she goes. My husband loves to listen to your husband’s on the show, like you and camp’s husbands. Oh my. And Matt just kind of looked at me because I think he thought you know I was going to put it. He wasn’t ready for it.
0:06:10 – Speaker 1
He wasn’t ready. The pressure’s on now.
0:06:12 – Speaker 3
It kind of freaked him out a bit. He’s like people listen like and I’m like you’re the, you’re one of the highest-rated shows. He’s like. I didn’t really realize, though, that people are listening.
0:06:20 – Speaker 1
It is a moment. That’s a different kind of moment.
0:06:22 – Speaker 3
It was kind of a moment, but it was you know what, though, but in hindsight I was like I’m so glad somebody spoke truth into my husband, because sometimes he doesn’t feel like he does a lot when he does these shows and he’s absolutely, he’s very uncomfortable with it, like it’s not his thing, and I’m like, no, you bring such a unique voice, one that I cannot capture, and so I appreciate he and Charles I know they’re busy, but I love having them on the show.
0:06:46 – Speaker 1
I do too. And we say all this to encourage you to invest in the time to listen to these. This four-part series coming up Month of Marriage, we want you to get some great tips and ideas and encouragement and relatable stories where you’ll laugh. Maybe you’ll cry, who knows. So it’s important to us, not that we want you to cry that’s not what I’m saying but like cry A good cry. A good cry, a good startic.
0:07:09 – Speaker 3
Like they’re in it with me, like it was a light bulb moment.
0:07:11 – Speaker 1
Yes, yeah, that kind of cry. So we want to tell you a little bit about what we’re gonna be covering in this four-part series. Yeah, because you and Charles are gonna do two shows. Yeah, we’re gonna do a show called.
0:07:20 – Speaker 3
What I Should have Said Was I think this is gonna be a good one.
0:07:24 – Speaker 1
Yeah, we, you know, I’m gonna just give you a little teaser here. I’m gonna tell a story about when I said something in a moment of rage about a body part that was a trigger for him. Now, normally that’s girls Like you know. Yeah, what do you mean? I don’t look at me. Whatever, I did some and it I did not know that it would cut him to his core, and it was one of our biggest arguments of all time.
0:07:50 – Speaker 3
Okay. So I am curious now because I don’t know this story. I know I’m gonna pick your brain. You should tune in.
0:07:55 – Speaker 1
Yes, I’m gonna be tuning in, and then the other show we’re gonna do is Are we Having Fun? Yet? And you know, on the day we got married, our pastor said which was humiliating in the moment, you know, when you have grandma and auntie and everybody sitting there.
0:08:12 – Speaker 3
I think there’s something about sex, kind of.
0:08:14 – Speaker 1
But he was like there’s two things. And then he goes well, really three things that are super important in a marriage. One Jesus is the center. Two you have got to seduce each other daily. And at that point we’re like, oh gosh, stop, cut off, no. And then he’s like and have fun together. And we were like, yeah, it’s so true. And then when you don’t have kids and we have a lot of time, it’s so much easier to do Like you’re dating, you’re having fun, you’re going out, you’re pouring into each other because you have the time to do so and you remember easily why you fell in love with this person. And then life catches up with you and sometimes you’re like what are we even doing? Is this even fun? Are we enjoying ourselves? Not that we’re promised to have fun, but what a gift it is when we can enjoy time with our spouse.
0:09:01 – Speaker 3
I think that’s going to be a great show. I recently heard a pastor say and the way he said it just stuck with me he said we go fishing with our buddies, we go shopping with our girlfriends, we do all the fun things with our friends, and then we have to get home and pay the bills and talk about the kids and do the laundry, clean up the dog poop, make the meals and it’s like all the obligation, not fun stuff we do with our spouse, and so he was like you have to be so intentional about having fun.
So I know you guys are going to have some great tips on that show. I cannot wait to hear that one.
0:09:38 – Speaker 1
I am excited and what are you guys going to do on your two shows?
0:09:40 – Speaker 3
Yeah, so we have two shows. One is learning to respond differently, and it is something that we learned this summer that we have grown so much in. So I’m going to give a little teaser here too, because we’ve got two big stories we’re going to share on that show, and one of them is when we broke off our engagement. We were engaged and we broke it off. The handyman yes, the scandal.
0:10:07 – Speaker 1
0:10:09 – Speaker 3
And we’re going to share that story on what happened and it was kind of a light bulb moment this summer when we were on a road trip. We’re going to share that story as well. But we were having like the same kind of moment that prompted the breakup, but we both recognized it and we responded completely different. And then we had this like three hour conversation about how open communication and ex-soc has changed our marriage. Yes, and so we thought this is a show, like we really want to share this with our people so good, I love it, yeah.
And then the other one we’re going to talk about recognizing how our past and how we grew up affects our marriage and we’ve talked about this before, but we have some specific examples and gift giving. We’re going to cover that because it’s been an issue in our marriage and you’ll have to tune in for that. But, like I just have an issue receiving things because of how I grew up and my husband is like total opposite. He’s like a giver of the gifts and it’s been a point of issue. Like we fought about it yeah, that’s the word, I couldn’t think of it. We fought about it over and over and it came to this moment just a couple of weeks ago where our teen daughter summed it up in two minutes for us at the kitchen island, and when she said it all, I was like that’s what I’ve been doing for 20 years and I didn’t even realize it.
Yeah, and it was just like that moment. So we want to talk about that and also about how, you know, my family is kind of big, his family small, and like the holidays, how that kind of is hard. It’s just hard because you react in different ways. Yes, and so we’re going to talk a little bit about that too, just getting you all ready for the big Christmases.
0:11:52 – Speaker 1
In these four shows. I can promise you one thing you will see your marriage in it somewhere. God will show you something where you can relate or you can say I think we need to talk about that. So take the time to listen to them. And again, we want to do these marriage series every once in a while because it’s super important. We feel like your marriage is probably hungry for something and you need to feed it. Yeah, and it may be different for everyone, but we will help you kind of look for some practical tools. We’ll give you some scripture and some resources just to help you find something that will improve your marriage just a little bit that day.
0:12:31 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and like we said, you know, this season right now is so busy and so we just cannot overlook our spouse. And you know, that may just be a simple posted note on a mirror saying I appreciate you today.
You know, it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. That’s what I’m learning to. Yes, and my husband is kind of a big grand gesture kind of guy, like he wants to do big things and I’m like just write me a posted note Like I don’t need the big grand gesture thing. And so I think those things like communicating and just following those prompts, you know like when you see your spouse struggling, realize, ok, I need to kick something in here, I need to unload the dishwasher, or I need to just tell him or her to go to bed and I’ll take care of the kids tonight. You know like stepping in and listening to the Holy Spirit.
0:13:24 – Speaker 1
When the Holy Spirit is nudging you to help your spouse and, in that same regard, when you’re in a situation, whatever it may be and wherever it may be, if you’re praying for God to show you what your marriage needs in this season, he may show you at a time that’s inopportune, like he may actually show you. Like you may be in the line at Disney World and you see this situation unfolding and you’re like, oh my goodness, this is a problem, like how we’re talking to each other or what’s happening, how we’re responding to each other.
But let me just say now, as we’re going into this marriage series, even if God is showing you something, it doesn’t mean he wants you to deal with it in that moment, but circle back Like don’t leave it untouched. And so I have found a lot that when I’m praying, God show me what my marriage needs, show me what my kids need. He’ll show me a real life example so that I can take note of it. And then I pray for the space where we can talk about it, and I think that’s gonna be big during this marriage series. You might see a lot of things and God will show you something and just take the time to breathe, step back and pray for the time to actually address it so that God can help you heal it or find a new way to deal with it.
0:14:36 – Speaker 3
If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 2 pm on AM 630, the word nextTalk Radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nextTalk.org and click on give Okay. So you were just talking, Kim, about how, if you’re recognizing a pattern or a trigger or something in your spouse and it’s not a good time to kind, of Because a lot of times you don’t when you’re thinking, what does my marriage need?
0:15:09 – Speaker 1
You don’t think of it in that moment, but then God will actually show you when it’s happening.
0:15:13 – Speaker 3
Yes, and then you said circle back, circle back. So I kind of want to circle back for a minute. Circle back, yes, because I think this is so important and I also feel like with the holidays and we’re spending time with in-laws and everything and sometimes we see patterns of our spouse in our in-laws and we can want to just go ballistic like, oh my gosh, that’s the way you, why you’re that way.
0:15:37 – Speaker 1
You see that right there? Yeah, it’s right there.
0:15:39 – Speaker 3
0:15:40 – Speaker 1
And then the mother Not that I’ve ever said that and then the mother-in-law is like shriveling up Like what did I do?
0:15:44 – Speaker 3
What did I do? Because it could be they did nothing wrong, but you’re just pointing out a pattern of. This is why you’re like this and I think that’s such a good point to just pause for a minute Because it is probably a really good conversation. Oh yeah, but in that moment when you have that light bulb moment, sometimes you’re at a level 10 in your emotion and we’ve heard our counselor that we’ve had on, annie Veers, say this from the Vine Wellness Group. She said from a zero to 10, if you’re at an emotional 10, like you’re at your highest, and you’re like there’s been a light bulb moment, or you’re angry or you’re upset, don’t talk. Then Wait till you’re about a three or a four to have a good, solid conversation and you don’t want to ruin anybody’s Christmas.
0:16:30 – Speaker 1
I mean, you do not want to be that throw in the turkey leg in the middle of dinner because Because don’t you know all that we’ve had a light planning and cooking and gift giving and holiday tradition making and Carol singing gets not remembered. Your kids will remember you throwing the turkey leg and that is not what you want.
0:16:51 – Speaker 3
And you know what I’ve learned when I am having that moment where I’m like really mad at somebody because maybe they, maybe you know grandparents didn’t stick to the budget and they bought like so many more gifts than we talked about or whatever, and you’re just like upset at the moment. It takes more work if you blow up, because you’re gonna have to repair all the damage and it’s gonna take weeks and weeks and weeks on the phone and you know, I don’t buy waterproof mascara.
0:17:20 – Speaker 1
So what happens? I get angry and then I cry. So then all the pictures will also be redone.
0:17:25 – Speaker 3
And then, when your kids are looking back 20 years later, it’s like remember, mom, this is when you got mascara. Remember the mascara and then and the turkey leg on the wall and the other thing is, you may have a valid reason for being upset, but you’re the problem because you’re the one that exploded. So it doesn’t matter if you’re valid or not.
0:17:45 – Speaker 1
You weren’t Christmas.
0:17:46 – Speaker 3
Nobody knows the background of why you weren’t Christmas.
0:17:49 – Speaker 1
I’m telling you, one of the biggest takeaways for me in marriage that has made the biggest impact other than praying together is timing. Yes, timing is huge, and so we want to leave you with just a few of these nuggets as we head into these marriage theories. Timing circle back. Take a minute. I would also say always look for resources. Don’t wait until your marriage is falling apart. It needs to be an ongoing thing. Support and resources for your marriage. It’s just like anything else, like a garden, like if you don’t tend to it isn’t going to die. So we have a nine week video series. It’s amazing and our husbands are on there. They’re on there. We have a marriage video on there. In fact, I just got a review from a group that’s using our video series yesterday.
0:18:36 – Speaker 2
And they just finished the marriage video.
0:18:38 – Speaker 1
They just finished the marriage video. I got a call from the leader and she was like it was hilarious and tearful and we had this great conversation about our family and how that affects our marriage, and so I think we’ve got some great resources available for you.
0:18:55 – Speaker 3
You can check that out at our website nextdocorg, you all have an acronym CAVE. I’m just going to. That’s a teaser we do. It’s so good, it’s so applicable and so good, and the stories that you share on there are great OK that’s just a teaser for the video series.
0:19:09 – Speaker 2
You’ve got to go check it out.
0:19:10 – Speaker 3
You’ve got to go check it out at our website. It’s on website nextdocorg and click on.
0:19:13 – Speaker 1
Video tab. We’ve got to look for support and resources for our marriage in all kinds of places and spaces and we have radio podcasts. You can look for counselors, like the Vine Wellness Group, and friends, which this is going to sound crazy, but my husband and I have always struggled with finding good friends to be in communication and relationship with that could pour into our marriage, or the iron, sharp and sirens, where they’ll held us accountable and help us with our marriage and also speak truth in love and not be like, oh yeah, she’s terrible.
0:19:47 – Speaker 3
0:19:48 – Speaker 1
You throw your spouse under the bus.
0:19:50 – Speaker 3
Yes, you know, I always look for when my friend, when I call a friend and I’m talking about my husband. If they jump in and start bashing my husband, that’s not a good thing, Because what they need to do is remind me of why I love him, all the good things about him, and say maybe you misunderstood or I get why you’re frustrated. I hear you, but think about all the amazing things he does for your family. Right, Exactly, and to further this point too over the summer we spend a lot of family time. Summer is kind of like our try to minimize our work and really pour into our family and we go 100 million miles an hour during the school year.
That’s kind of like our life cycle and this summer my husband and I kept hearing the word community from God like community. So we started this little life group at our home. We didn’t know what it was going to look like. We wanted it to be small. We invited a few people. I literally invited people that I didn’t know, but I felt like God was telling me to invite, like you know acquaintances that I had met, like once, and I was like I’m supposed to invite you and I don’t know what this looks like.
It has been amazing. Yeah, it has been amazing. It has helped our marriage so much. And it wasn’t even intentional about let’s help our marriage, but it was all these other couples setting around like I struggle with this and we struggle with this, and then we would reflect on what we struggle with. And, for example, one of the men recently in our group. He was raised a single child, just like my husband, and he was like when we go to my wife’s house for Christmas, like I go in the other room because it’s overwhelming to me, like there’s cousins and there’s aunts and uncles. He’s like I don’t even know how to process it. Well, for the longest time she would like think that he didn’t like her family and I related that to that so much because that’s my husband. Like he goes into a room and cocoons himself, like he’ll come out to eat and then he’ll come out to say hi to everybody for one night my husband too.
0:21:43 – Speaker 1
Then disappears, and then he’s in the bedroom, and then like why are you not loving my family?
0:21:48 – Speaker 3
It’s not that he doesn’t love my family. He doesn’t know how to process all of it. It’s overwhelming. He doesn’t know how to process 50 people when he’s used to three at Christmas, you know, and so, but it was just a slight moment for us and again it was started, all with community, and it’s so cool because none of us like. We just like or reading scripture together and then discussing it, and God is doing all these things and he’s improving our marriage. I feel like it’s just like a kind of a back to the basics. Let’s talk about the Bible and how it affects us and it’s been great for us in our marriage.
0:22:19 – Speaker 1
Friendship and community. Being able to see your marriage in light of someone else’s and to share stories and help is just incredible. It’s such a gift. I think, too, one of the important reasons or one of the other reasons we always come back to do marriage series every once in a while is because it’s really your household’s foundation. You set the tone for your household with your marriage. Your kids are learning how to be married by watching your marriage. Your community, when you’re out and about, and people are watching, whether you know or not, and you can set a beautiful example of marriage just by your actions, not saying anything. So it’s a really. I mean, god gave us this gift of marriage for a reason, not just because, and so we have to take the time to pour into it and we always say if you’re not talking in your marriage, you’re not gonna be able to talk to your kids.
0:23:08 – Speaker 3
And so it’s almost like practice, because this is your best friend and you gotta be completely honest and vulnerable and it helps you break down those boundaries and those walls that you’ve created and we all have them about certain issues that are triggers in our life.
0:23:24 – Speaker 1
And some, like you, have more than me, but Well, yeah, I’ve got a lot of baggage, yeah and you’re a little bit being a little bit prideful right now.
0:23:31 – Speaker 3
See how this accountability thing works. Amazing, I’m here in Shepherd’s.
0:23:34 – Speaker 1
I’m here for you, many majors.
0:23:38 – Speaker 3
But yeah, I mean it helps us understand what open communication and really this culture that we’re trying to cultivate in these homes, like this culture of conversation. When you can really do it in your marriage, you’re like this is so fruitful, and then you’re so ready to do it with your kids, like it’s so much easier and you’re on the same page, and so it really is the foundation.
0:24:00 – Speaker 1
I hope this is kind of getting you excited for our month of marriage. We’re excited to bring in our husbands. We’re excited for you to be a part of what God is doing in our marriage, good and bad, Because again being able to see yourself in that and learning together helps everyone.
0:24:15 – Speaker 3
Well, and hopefully our husbands won’t go off script, like we said. Jeez, I’m telling you, because when we get them in here sometimes it takes a turn Always we never. So I mean we’ve promote these shows, but we don’t know Like we have. We’ve got to get them in here.
0:24:29 – Speaker 1
No promises, folks.
0:24:30 – Speaker 3
This is, this is our plan yes, this is our plan.
0:24:34 – Speaker 1
So our three points to remember, guys your marriage is probably hungry for something. Find out what it is and feed it, and look for support and resources that will help strengthen your marriage, like the month of marriage on our podcasts and radio show. And then think of your marriage as your household’s foundation. It needs to be built right, maintained and repaired.
0:24:56 – Speaker 3
And remember Christmas is a busy, busy season.
0:25:00 – Speaker 1
0:25:01 – Speaker 3
Take time for your spouse this month.
0:25:03 – Speaker 1
And in taking time for your marriage, don’t forget to take time for yourself too. Take some time to breathe, to step away, do some self care and then don’t jump back in and over schedule, or you’re gonna put yourself in that same situation of craziness.
0:25:16 – Speaker 3
And there’s so many great things to see and do this month. Just choose wisely, because if you’re overbooked and over scheduled, everybody’s gonna be fighting and tired and you’re gonna be broke. We have a show on that Over scheduled and over it. Yes, go listen to that show. Yes, merry Christmas guys. Yes, merry Christmas.
0:25:33 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk? We’ll see you next time.
Transcribed by https://podium.page