0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. So we are excited to bring you the month of marriage series. I’m Kim Ellarick Mandy’s out and about. I’m pretty sure she’s talking to her kids or someone. She’s always talking, which is a good thing. But I get to have my very favorite guest on our show, charles. He is my husband. He’s an assistant principal at a middle school. We’ve been married 16 years and we have three precious children, age nine, six and four. Hi, hi, welcome back to the show.
0:01:04 – Speaker 3
It’s good to be here. It’s always great to join you on the show.
0:01:07 – Speaker 1
Yeah, well, and we love, mandy, I love having husbands in one because you guys bring great perspective, you tell a lot of relatable stories and you have some of the highest rated shows you and Matthew. But even more than that, when we’re out and about, I cannot tell you how many husbands and wives come up to me and say I love listening to your husband and he’s so down to earth and I just really relate it to him, so keep him going back.
0:01:30 – Speaker 3
Yeah, so I’m not like as bad as I think I am, you are not detrimental Nice, not at all.
0:01:35 – Speaker 1
That’s good to know the opposite.
0:01:37 – Speaker 3
So maybe because you all are so good at talking and I’m not, that a lot of people think, oh, at least you’re not that guy. Yeah, that’s true, I’m lowering the standard. No, across the board.
0:01:47 – Speaker 1
No, it’s super good. We’re glad that we’re going to have the husbands in for this month of marriage. So we’re going to be doing four shows. We introduced you guys with our first show just to let everybody know kind of the overview of what was happening. But we are going to do you and I are going to do two, and Matt and Mandy are going to do two. We’re going to be talking about are we having fun? Yet that’s one of the shows we’re going to do. I like fun, Everybody likes fun.
0:02:11 – Speaker 3
Fun is so fun.
0:02:12 – Speaker 1
But it’s so weird how in your marriage sometimes you look around and you’re like, wait a minute, we are not having fun anymore. Like we are in the middle of this life thing and there’s so much going on that we have forgotten to have fun together.
0:02:25 – Speaker 3
That’s going to be a good topic. It’s going to be good. I’m excited, necessary one.
0:02:28 – Speaker 1
It is necessary, especially during the busy holiday seasons. It’s even more necessary than you realize.
0:02:33 – Speaker 3
Is there never a non busy season. I feel like Okay.
0:02:36 – Speaker 1
So it’s always busy, but then the holidays like bumps it up and not.
So, it’s like uber busy. I got you, yeah. So then I know that Matt and Mandy are going to be talking about recognizing how the past affects your marriage, which is going to be really good. If you haven’t checked out our nine week video series, one of the videos on there, video number three, is Charles and I doing a marriage segment, talking about the importance of open communication in your marriage and how to start the process, and a big part of that is knowing about your past, like what baggage you’re bringing into it and what family history you have. So lots of good topics there. They’re also going to be talking about learning to respond differently in situations, which is good, and I say that last, because today we are talking about how we respond to things with our words.
0:03:21 – Speaker 3
Specifically, what I should have said was Right Little hindsight 2020 action Looking back like ooh, what I should have said.
0:03:31 – Speaker 1
Yeah, when we were talking about this topic, the first image that came to mind is the many times in my life, even outside of marriage, where I’ve said something and I’m literally wishing I could grab the words and stuff them back in my mouth and swallow them into a deep, dark place. Yes, like backpedaling. As they’re coming out, I’m like, no, oh right, so that’s what we want to talk about today. We’re gonna have some practical tips for you and some stories, hopefully, that you can relate to.
0:03:56 – Speaker 3
Right. So I think this is just also, like you know, we’re not talking about words or phrases that are meant to harm. We’re just saying, like we came from a place, or we’re coming from a place where we intended something to happen and it didn’t yes, based on how our spouse received it. Yes, right. And so like, oh, that’s not what I meant to happen. Yes, how can I fix it now? Or what should I have said, or what should I say in the future?
0:04:21 – Speaker 1
0:04:21 – Speaker 3
Right, okay, because I’m constantly inserting foot into the mouth, right, I know?
0:04:26 – Speaker 1
And then it’s like you need to take those notes and what am I going to do next time so I don’t have to be in this situation again, right? So the first thing we’re going to talk about is what I should have said was this kind and helpful and encouraging thing. Every word counts, so make sure you’re choosing your words wisely.
0:04:43 – Speaker 3
Very much so.
0:04:44 – Speaker 1
I have a story that really kind of brings that together, brings that to light. So we were. I can’t remember if we were dating or if we were first married, I don’t remember. But and I don’t even remember really what the topic was about.
0:05:01 – Speaker 3
We were just recently married, okay, so you remember yes.
0:05:04 – Speaker 1
Mm. Anyway, we were sitting in your car. I remember that it was dark nighttime, we were sitting outside of your workplace, correct, which is weird, we were there, but we were, and we were sitting there having some kind of argument. Now rewind a little bit and I had been reading some different marriage books and listening to some different things, and one of the little tips that I took away was like guys communicate differently than girls and you know, you just have to speak truth and clarity into your husband and just be like straightforward. And in that moment, somehow in my brain, that tip equaled guy talk. And I am a daughter of a single mom and I’m an only child, so I really don’t even know what guy talk is. So somehow I pulled this phrase out as we were arguing and talking about this situation. Right, what I was trying to say to you is you’re awesome, you have the skills, this is the time God has prepared you for this, you’ve got this, and what I said in that moment was grow yourself a pair of balls.
0:06:10 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it was something along the lines of that and it was like the exact opposite of what I needed to hear. I was like, wait what? It was a work thing and I was struggling with approaching my boss, which I felt there was something that was going on that needed to change.
0:06:28 – Speaker 1
0:06:28 – Speaker 3
I felt that it was like something that required, like a big movement, and it was a part of it. It was like a culture type thing, I do remember that and then so I was man, I was really frustrated, I was conflicted, I didn’t know how to approach my boss with this particular thing that I felt like he was doing wrong and I didn’t want to get burned at work kind of a thing, and so it was kind of like upset. But I was also just frustrated. And then I hear that from you.
0:06:58 – Speaker 1
Your sweet wife.
0:07:01 – Speaker 3
I’m like it totally caught me off guard. I’m like wait, what Then? That was like the biggest insult I had ever received.
0:07:09 – Speaker 1
It was terrible, guys. The look on his face. I thought. All I could think was I am going to be a divorced woman Like you looked. You were furious and hurt and it was terrible.
0:07:23 – Speaker 3
I think I left the car.
0:07:24 – Speaker 1
You did, you got up and got out of the car and I remember wanting to die inside and I thought, here I was, I was going to be like this great communicator and encourager and use guy talk and I was trying to do all these great things and what I should have said was you’ve got this. We know that God’s going to tell you what to do and what to say, and the timing will be right, and it just messed up the whole situation.
0:07:48 – Speaker 3
Right, and I think it’s important for the spouse in this case doesn’t have to be like we talked about this before. The spouse doesn’t have to be everything for that other person, Absolutely. And so sometimes your spouse needs, like a drill instructor or a peer or a same-sex buddy or pal or girlfriend whatever, to really kind of communicate those things, the hard stuff, the hard stuff. The spouse can say those things, but it has to be coming from or in a way that is familiar to that person. Because I tell you right now, if somebody else told me that and just punched me in the shoulder and said you got a girl pair, let’s do it Like a guy Like a guy said it or something like that.
But then for your wife to say that it was very emasculating and it was like, well, that’s not right.
0:08:35 – Speaker 1
You know, it didn’t come out very well it was bad, it was terrible, and I really, after that time, I remember a scripture being shared with me by one of our mentors, and it was one I had heard before, but it really it hit home after I saw how much damage I had done with not choosing my words wisely, ephesians 429, don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And filtering myself through that really helps, because, even if it’s true, it doesn’t necessarily mean it needs to be said and it needs to be encouraging. It needs to be wise, and a lot of times that takes time, and so in those moments we don’t always have to respond, and if we don’t know what to say, then we should just give some word of encouragement and let it be.
I think we’re a lot of times uncomfortable with the silence, so we say things and then we have to backtrack. Sometimes we just need to be still.
0:09:34 – Speaker 3
Right, and I think I’m OK with silence. Yeah, and I’m more comfortable with silence, and I don’t know if I’m not afraid of that. And there’s a lot of, I think, like learning. That goes on, but I think that’s one of the things that you’ve had to learn from me is that when I’m silent, you’re worried about what’s going on in my head.
0:09:50 – Speaker 1
Yes, something’s wrong.
0:09:52 – Speaker 3
Did I upset him? Is he worried? Is he just thinking? And I have a very like, I have a naturally scowling face when I’m thinking so it’s a very.
0:09:59 – Speaker 1
You know what I mean. It’s a very like oh, you look like you’re in a bad place.
0:10:02 – Speaker 3
I do, but that’s my normal face.
0:10:03 – Speaker 1
0:10:04 – Speaker 3
And I don’t know where that comes from. I have a natural scowl, very unapproachable look for the most part.
0:10:10 – Speaker 1
He’s like a bouncer.
0:10:13 – Speaker 3
Yeah, maybe. Yeah, right, like don’t bother me kind of yes. But sometimes you’re right, though it really is like that silence, there’s a comfort level of silence that needs to exist for me. And for a lot of the men out there they probably would say the same thing, like when there’s something that was just said or something that we’re going through a lot of times, silence is the most important thing.
0:10:35 – Speaker 1
Yes, that’s a great word, Because it’s hard for you know. I just want to fill that space because I think something’s wrong.
0:10:42 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and I’ll probably need to do a better job of saying like, look, I just need some peace and quiet right now to let you know that it is OK, like I’m not upset, but I just need a little bit of time to process that, and that’s one of the things that I’ve had to work on too, as you accept that I need some peace and quiet.
I also need to make sure that I tell you like, hey, I’m going to need this, I’m going to be OK, but I just need to go in a little dark hole emotionally. And I just need to. Like you know, I need to go do something quiet or I need that peace.
0:11:10 – Speaker 1
So you know when you’re thinking about how am I going to be better at choosing my words wisely and being helpful. Some of the things that have helped us a lot is if you’re at a 10, you probably don’t need to say anything. If you are at a 10, and Mandy and I have talked about this before too when we had the counselors on, they gave us that tip as well and they said wait till you are at like a three, maybe a four, before you even speak, because all of those hormones and emotions that are raging inside of you are not. It’s like they burn down your filters, so you’ve just got to give it time sometimes in order for the words to come out right.
0:11:45 – Speaker 3
Yeah, just some self-management, self-awareness, kind of know where you’re at and also recognize the number in your spouse. Because, like I think you go down to like a three really quick, Real quick. I stay at a 10, like for weeks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m broken inside, but it’s just like man, I stay hot for so long. It’s just like I need to really kind of do something super physical or do something like outside or whatnot, and so you’re ready to talk almost immediately and I’m just like I’m still real. Yes, and so make sure that both partners are at that three.
0:12:14 – Speaker 1
And respect the time Right, Even if it’s different, Right. I think, too, some things that really help in those moments when you want to say something and you’re not sure how to say it and you don’t want to come out wrong. So you’re not in that situation where you’re like what I should have said is Using some words that just kind of calm the mood, Like this is how I feel when that puts it on you. Or the old compliment sandwich that I mean I learned that, like in Business 101 and school was. You know, you started out with something like good, and then the hard thing and then the good thing, Just to kind of create the space where it’s not anger inducing, hopefully. Yeah, and one of the ones that I like to say in training are volunteers.
When I see something that I feel like might be a problem, I say you know, I could be totally up, but this is what I’m seeing, and then it’s more like an observation and they can be no, no, I don’t see that at all. And then you realize, OK, they really don’t realize this hard thing that I need to talk to them about, and you can re-approach it when the timing is better, Right, and it works with your spouse in the same way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think we’ve had a lot of awkward situations where we’ve said the wrong thing and we have accidentally hurt each other. But I think we both agree that sometimes what I should have said was nothing.
0:13:34 – Speaker 3
Yeah, right, absolutely. I think it’s those unintended little choice words or maybe like an off-colored joke, yep, like there was a time our pastor was talking about and this is at church during the sermon, and I shouldn’t have been talking anyway.
0:13:52 – Speaker 1
So this is really all your fault, so it really is.
0:13:54 – Speaker 3
It’s on me, this one, but he had said something. I don’t even remember what it was about. Really, I don’t even remember the scripture, I just remember it being like a funny time to insert a little joke.
0:14:03 – Speaker 1
0:14:04 – Speaker 3
And I know how much you love when I whisper over to you my little oh, it kills me. The King Charles commentary that I like to insert yeah, yeah, it’s super.
Well, anyway, he was talking about how they are. It was around around the time that San Antonio was proposing legislation on hands-free devices, right, and the pastor made like a pretty funny comment about like, oh, I guess we have to be hands-free when we talk on the phone, but we could still eat like a burger and fries and ladies could still put on their makeup while they’re driving, and something along those lines. So I reach over to you and I just whisper in your ear, which I thought was hilarious. I was like well, they can’t outlaw women putting on their makeup while they drive, because it’s the only time that they use the mirror. And I was ready for you to go oh, that’s so funny. But, like you know, give me a little elbow, like not here in church, and all I got was like the death stare, but it was like the thousand yard stare in the opposite direction. Like your face changed, your color changed. You became very like like a stoic in here, even though we were seated.
And I was waiting for, like this really, because you know, but then you took it as like this, very like personal insult to being a bad driver, which you’re not, but it’s you know. It was a very. It was a bad time for a bad joke. Again, I probably shouldn’t have said anything. I should have just been an attentive Christian listener. I should have been like a good. I should have been a good compliant Christian and sat there quietly and said nothing. And said nothing or saved it for another time with a different person.
0:15:43 – Speaker 1
0:15:44 – Speaker 3
That would have been a much better guy joke, Much better, Right. So that was one thing that I learned and I was like why. I was really surprised how upset you were and like, wow, like I must have done something else wrong.
0:15:54 – Speaker 1
She couldn’t be this upset over that.
0:15:56 – Speaker 3
So I learned a little something. I thought I was sharing a joke with you, but you took it in a very personal way and I had to apologize and I wanted to make sure that it was not intended for. You know, I wasn’t geared towards you, but you took it that way. That’s one of those things I just think is hilarious. But looking back, we probably should have not said anything at all.
0:16:15 – Speaker 1
We said nothing Right.
0:16:17 – Speaker 3
And again and this was a pre for all the listeners out there they probably think I’m some like sexist jerk. I’m really sorry, like I don’t intend to, like I wasn’t trying to offend anybody.
0:16:26 – Speaker 1
No, you were just being funny.
0:16:27 – Speaker 3
It was a bad time for a bad joke. Yes, that’s all.
0:16:31 – Speaker 1
If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 2 pm on AM 630,. The word nextTalk Radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nexttalkorg and click on give so. Today my husband, charles, joins me and we are in this month of marriage which we’re pretty excited about because we get to have the husbands on. Matt and Mandy are doing a couple of shows and Charles and I are doing a couple of shows, and today we’re talking about what I should have said was and we started covering what I think is super important is what I should have said was nothing.
And here, is the the crux of this point that I am really starting to learn, probably in the last five years, is, if I am always feeling like I need to say something, I’m not leaving room for the Holy Spirit to speak to you, because I’m trying to fill that space.
0:17:26 – Speaker 3
Oh, that’s, a good point, yeah.
0:17:27 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and I’m really learning. I do not always have to be the one to say it. Even though it’s true and maybe it needs to be said, it doesn’t always need to be me. God is working in you and I know that, and so this is a big point. I believe that a lot of us need to take note of A great story that happened recently for Charles and I. So a little backstory. I don’t know why, I don’t know where this comes from, I don’t remember if it’s always been this way, but my sweet husband loves a clean garage. Like he needs order in his garage. Like I look in some of my friends’ garages and there’s like bikes everywhere and bins open and piles of things and they’re like well, yeah, that’s the garage. That does not happen in our garage any more than maybe for a few days.
0:18:15 – Speaker 3
Well, we could have bins. Bins are great for organizations. Well, yes, but I mean like open bins and like in the middle, like things are in the middle of happening and like no, no no, no, those people need to get some therapy.
0:18:26 – Speaker 1
It’s not you, they need some work. Oh yeah, no, it’s them, it’s all them. They need some help.
0:18:30 – Speaker 3
Or they need a garage sale. They need to do.
0:18:32 – Speaker 1
So he’s constantly cleaning out and organizing and sweeping and the garage like people walk in our garage and they’re like, oh my goodness, it’s very organized in here. I’m like, yes, it is.
0:18:41 – Speaker 3
I think I vacuum the garage more than I vacuum the house. You sure do, that’s true, you sure do.
0:18:46 – Speaker 1
Now his gym is in the garage, so that’s like also his little like area.
0:18:50 – Speaker 3
It is literally it’s your space, but it’s an eight by eight foot platform. That’s it.
0:18:56 – Speaker 1
That’s all my space is, that’s all you get, and that’s all I want.
0:18:58 – Speaker 3
That’s all you want and you want to be clean and I would like the surrounding area to be clean. Yes, because yeah.
0:19:04 – Speaker 1
Which we honor most of the time. But when things get a little bit crazy and busy, like during the holiday season or on a Tuesday, it just sometimes we don’t get to cleaning it up, and so we have this habit of throwing boxes into the garage so that we can then take them out to the recycling bin. And I don’t really like taking out the trash, and so I usually wait till it’s flowing over and you get home to do it. But if it can’t wait and you’re not home, I will bag it up and I’ll put it in the garage so that later you can take it out to the bin. And then sometimes there’s just stuff that I haven’t sorted through, Like bins of clothes that I’m going to donate to another family because I have a good heart, and so it’s all good intention. You know I have good intentions and usually we keep it clean, but on this particular day there was just stuff everywhere in your garage.
It’s our garage, it’s our garage and in our garage there was a lot of stuff like more than usual, and you were walking out of the house and you were already not in a great mood and you walked into the garage and you were just like done, like you were ranting and raving, and you walked off and you said some things that weren’t very nice and I wanted to yell at you like get a grip, it’s just a garage. And literally in that moment the Holy Spirit was like I got this, like zip it, woman, like literally I don’t know if that’s how the Holy Spirit talks to you, but to me it’s like zip it, like stop, and it’s almost like I can’t talk. It’s like a help, literally in that moment, like not only should I not talk, but it’s almost like I can’t, like God is really helping me in that moment. And I didn’t say anything and you walked off and you very, a very short time after that came back and you apologized and you were like I overreacted.
It’s just a garage. I’m so sorry that I said those things and I didn’t have to say a thing and I didn’t have to blow it out of proportion and make it worse and turn it into an all day argument. In that moment I really realized more often than not what I should have said was nothing, and I saw the fruit of that Let it, leaving space for the Holy Spirit to work in you and me not feeling like I always have to fix. It is like a big deal.
0:21:18 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and I think one of the things that I’ve learned, I trying to get a little bit better hold of myself and my anger, especially over like silly things like that. It is just a garage and it’s just a matter of time to clean it up and to put stuff away, and I don’t know how busy you are during the day and how much that sometimes you just need like a place to throw stuff. And that’s what the garage should be for occasionally, occasionally Maybe, seasonally Maybe.
0:21:43 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I think, in the fall, I think, with this one knowing when not to say anything, ask God to show you when to shut your mouth and just pray. Just pray for your spouse, pray for God to show them what happened in that moment and to show them how you’re feeling without you even saying anything, and then be patient. And that’s a really hard one. A lot of times we wanna fix it right away. I’m speaking from experience. I want it to be fixed right away because I want everything to be okay.
0:22:10 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I think it’s important too just to ask yourself if I say this, is it gonna be helpful, is it necessary? Yeah, does it show God’s glory, or is it more like a personal thing, those little comments that we get like a little personal joy out of? If it’s, if we know that it’s gonna be taken the wrong way, or if it really kinda like-.
0:22:27 – Speaker 1
0:22:28 – Speaker 3
Maybe it’s like a jab, maybe it’s like a phrase or a quote or something that I know that you don’t really like. If I say that, I gotta make sure that, well, that’s just unnecessary, it’s not helpful, it doesn’t promote God’s kingdom, it doesn’t build our marriage and it’s something that doesn’t need to be said.
0:22:43 – Speaker 1
So true, if it’s not life giving, then it’s usually life taking Right. The other thing and you just brought it up which I think is real important just to touch on is, as you’re married and as you’re going through life together, you’ll find these trigger statements that your spouse is like, obviously annoyed or hurt by. They may even tell you that and we have picked up on a few over the years, and they are just off limits. There is no reason to say that.
0:23:08 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I know for you the word relax.
0:23:11 – Speaker 1
0:23:12 – Speaker 3
Is like the opposite happens, which sounds crazy. Yeah, like what I’ve learned to say to you is that if I know that you’re stressed, I need to come over, I need to give you a hug and I need to say things like I can help you relax if you let me do this, or how can I help you relax. What is there something that I can do, instead of just saying, relax, hey, relax, everything’s gonna be okay? That’s one of the worst things that I can say to you.
0:23:34 – Speaker 1
Yes, Right. And so when you say that all of the hair goes up on my neck and I’m like, relax, relax, Like that’s all I have to do, oh, thank you. Thank you for that insight and that wisdom.
0:23:45 – Speaker 3
Yes, I’m so wise.
0:23:46 – Speaker 1
Yeah, in the beginning of our marriage, I remember you saying like relax, and it would drive me crazy.
0:23:51 – Speaker 3
0:23:52 – Speaker 1
I can’t recall the last time you’ve ever said anything like that in that way. Like you said, you learned how to say it in a way that is soothing to my soul and does not push my buttons.
0:24:02 – Speaker 3
Right, a little bit smarter version of what I’m trying to get you to do. I’m still trying to get you to relax Because I want your stress and anxiety to go down, but I also know that I’m trying to phrase it in a way that doesn’t increase that anxiety or stress.
0:24:15 – Speaker 1
Yes, and not everybody appreciates sarcasm. Like Charles and I love sarcasm. We’re sarcastic with each other, we know when and how to do that. But I have found in our family that sarcasm does not always go over well and is received the wrong way. And so that you gotta know your spouse, I have friends that I know I cannot be. They’ll take that the wrong way. And then there’s like some phrases I would not and do not say to you like stay in your lane. You don’t like that one and you don’t like it is what it is.
0:24:43 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I think those two just need to be removed from, like, the English vocabulary. When people say like, hey, stay in your lane, I think that’s one of the most insulting things. But maybe that’s just me personally, I don’t know. But I don’t know like if anybody were to come to me and say hey, Charles, stay in your lane. Yeah, you were gonna have to have some words later.
0:25:02 – Speaker 1
At least that’s what I feel like saying later on Take heavens inside, yeah and then somebody says relax.
0:25:05 – Speaker 3
That’s like somebody telling me relax, hey, stay in your lane. But, yeah, no, you just said something bad.
0:25:10 – Speaker 1
So find out what your spouse’s triggers are and know that what you should have said was not that statement that they despise ever, ever. Well, we hope this helps you a little bit just to think about some practical ways to give words that give, or say words that give life instead of take it away, and always continually focus on timing and prayer, and that makes every marriage better.
0:25:32 – Speaker 3
Amen to that.
0:25:34 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone, trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk here on AM630, the word is about loving you.
Transcribed by https://podium.page