0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Music Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630 the Word. Mandy is the author of Talk and I’m the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents cyberparent. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, Find videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:35 – Speaker 2
Today we’re talking about sexual harassment and assault Big topic. Recently there was a hashtag movement called Me Too. So how this worked was if a woman had been sexually assaulted or harassed, they would write Me Too, hashtag Me Too, and sometimes they would elaborate, sometimes they would not. And you know, I was scrolling through my Twitter feed and every time I saw one I would just stop and pray for that person. I mean, that’s a big thing to admit being sexually harassed or assaulted on Twitter. Social media is the reality.
0:01:16 – Speaker 1
It’s like bearing your soul. A lot of people on social media. It gives people that hidden outlet and so I think we got to see maybe people who normally wouldn’t have told anyone People that I know that I had no idea and it so saddened me.
0:01:31 – Speaker 2
And then I thought why couldn’t I mean? How did it take a hashtag to have this conversation? You know, this national conversation that needs this, needs to be a light. It needs to be brought out of the darkness. A light needs to be, you know, shine, shown on it so that we can fix this problem, this is a problem.
0:01:54 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I it’s. I think this has given a platform to a lot of women to know that they are not alone and that we have to start the conversation. And I think not that the conversation hasn’t been started in the past, but it’s ongoing, like this problem isn’t going away.
So, maybe that’s more what it is. You know, it comes in these waves when people who are famous or something happens, and it comes in this wave where we shine the light on it for a moment and then it gets buried again. And I think the idea is that this needs to be an ongoing conversation in our families so that we’re preparing our kids that this is a part of our world.
0:02:31 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah, you know, the first thing I thought of Kim when I when I saw it, when I saw all these Me Too Post, I just went to, oh my gosh, I don’t ever want to raise a boy who would disrespect a girl. That was my first thought. You know, I got a boy he’s 10 years old, yeah, and he notices girls now and I got to be talking to him, did a lot of research on my book in this issue, you know, like, because our boys are visual and they do notice things. So you know, where is that balance of saying females are beautiful but there’s this line of disrespect that we have to so talk about when they’re itty-bitty? I mean, I started this conversation with my son when he was nine, yeah, I mean, you’ve got boys?
0:03:20 – Speaker 1
I do, in fact, my five-year-old is. He’s kind of like your son and he’s no filter and you always know what’s on his mind.
0:03:29 – Speaker 2
Yeah.
0:03:30 – Speaker 1
He talks about everything and he has started telling us about, you know, a beautiful girl, or that girl likes me and I’m like, oh my goodness, you’re only five years old, and so they already know that dynamic. He’s got moves.
0:03:43 – Speaker 2
He’s you’re in trouble. He has swagger this little boy, and he’s cute, like I know him. He is.
0:03:50 – Speaker 1
He’s got kid swagger, he does. It’s a little scary and so already we you know. Again, as with all these conversations we have here at nextTalk, we talk about it at different ages and stages. Yes, and like for our little ones, for our boys. We start with the simple things that you’re probably already doing, but you know, open the door for a lady, ladies first when we’re eating or when we’re doing any activity and then we talk about when you see a woman.
It’s to see if they’re in distress or if they need help or if you can give them directions or whatever. It is that we don’t stare at a woman. Yeah, and at our little kids age they’re like because they look weird, you know. So we’re still kind of on that side where they see women, but they’re still kids. So it’s starting with those conversations early, the simple things that define for them a baseline of respect that women are different than men. And then also we have noticed with our daughter, which the dynamic being she’s the youngest that we have to do the same with her, because there’s girl slapping and there’s all kinds of behavior out there that we see girls doing towards boys.
Yeah, that is also very disrespectful and aggressive and she is tough, and so we have to have those conversations with her also.
0:05:01 – Speaker 2
Yeah, it’s not just one sided.
Yeah, it’s an equal thing, for sure, equal thing, you know. I know with my boy, one of the conversations that I have with him at nine was girls are not objects. And you may notice them. You know, you may notice boobs, I mean because he has no, because he’s a boy. Yeah, and we talked through that, you know. And I will say to him you’re never to touch, stare point, ask for a picture of, take a picture of. And for those of you listening, you know you’re probably thinking, you know my nine-year-old doesn’t have a phone. I’m starting these conversations because I have a middle schooler and I know sharing nudes is a thing, it is a very common thing. We can tell you, we get a lot of calls here at nextTalk about that, and so I have chosen to start that conversation very early Now. I don’t tell him that people share nudes or anything like that, but I say, hey, you notice, you never take a picture, you never ask for a picture. That’s disrespectful.
0:06:03 – Speaker 1
I think we need to throw in here, because people have told us before like well, they know that you’re not supposed to take a picture of yourself or share a picture of yourself. You would think so, not the case.
0:06:16 – Speaker 2
Because it’s so common in their world. You know, when we get contacted by parents and they’re good families, great families, I mean mom and dad, you know, both involved PTA, all this stuff, right, christian families and it’s my kids shared a nude. What do I do? How do I handle this? And you know, our first response is well, did you ever talk to them about not sharing nudes? No, why would I do that? They should know better. They should know better. Okay, so in our generation we would know better, but we didn’t grow up with everything being recorded yes, every. It is normal for you to be recorded doing whatever. Now, yeah, so it’s almost like there’s this wall that’s come down, that you just take pictures of yourself naked, like that’s just what you. There’s no boundaries anymore.
0:07:06 – Speaker 1
So I would say anything that you’re thinking to yourself well, they wouldn’t do that or they know better.
0:07:12 – Speaker 2
Then that’s the thing you need to have a conversation about yes, don’t assume. Yeah, don’t assume that they know not to do that.
0:07:19 – Speaker 1
My husband, as an administrator in a middle school, says that is what he hears from kids all the time. Well, I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t think it was a big deal, I didn’t, I mean pornography.
0:07:29 – Speaker 2
I mean, that’s another example, and that pornography conversation really feeds into this. Me too thing. Sure does, because, because you know, the pornography often portrays men and women as objects and that fuels the whole. Well then, I can take whatever I want, I can do with whatever I want with people, and it fuels this harassment, assault type culture that we don’t want to fuel.
0:07:54 – Speaker 1
Well, and you add that sexual aspect to the anonymity or the safety of a screen and I feel like we’ve reached, like this, peak, because people are fueled by the physical and then they are also feeling free by being able to harass or assault verbally on their phones and devices, and so it happens at a very young age into a lot of people and on top of that, they’re desensitized because they see so much of it and it’s so common.
0:08:23 – Speaker 2
Not that it’s right, not that it should happen, but it’s common, yeah, so the yeah, and so it’s like normal operating procedure in their world.
And so unless we, you know, create this red flag, internal alert, good kids fall prey to this, and so we just want you to have your guard up. You know, another thing we tell our boy is you know, one day you’ll get to marry a girl and you get to enjoy all the beautiful parts of a female body with her permission, you know that mutual respect in a marriage and giving them the goal that you know God wants you to enjoy. To my son I would say God wants you to enjoy the female body, but he wants you to do it in the context of what he says it’s okay, and just having that conversation with them so it doesn’t shame them. You know, before I started this whole journey, you know, if one of my kids would talk about the opposite sex, I’d be like, oh no, no, you’re too young for that, you know, and I would just write them off. I don’t do that anymore because it’s an opportunity to create a lot of conversation about what God says. Relationships healthy, respectful relationships look like.
0:09:33 – Speaker 1
They need to know what the end game is, because they’re thinking why would God give me all these feelings and why am I feeling this way towards the opposite sex, if there’s no place for that, if there’s no purpose? And so I think that that is a great and exciting conversation to have with your kids when it’s age appropriate and when it’s time. Yeah, you know a great Bible verse James 1, 14, 15,. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions, and when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.
0:10:08 – Speaker 2
When you’re allowed to lust at the body and allow your mind to go wherever without any restrictions, then we create a culture where people think it’s okay to just grab a butt that they want to grab, or grab whatever, and it’s not okay. And you know, I want to raise a whole generation. I want us to be the generation that says no more. You know, I don’t want our kids in 30 years to have to have a social media movement because of everything that had been swept under the rug. Like I want to stop it now.
0:10:43 – Speaker 1
That would be amazing, and you know we hear it nextTalk. Believes that that happens with open communication, intentional, intentional, ongoing, important conversations about everything.
0:10:55 – Speaker 2
Starts little. You know one thing I tell my boy when we’re talking about this. I say, you know, I want you to notice a girl, her intelligence, her heart, how she treats others. I mean, yes, you have to be physically attracted to her and yes, you’re. You know that is a component of it. But I want you to notice all the inside things about her. You know, god says look inside at the heart.
0:11:22 – Speaker 1
We talk a lot about that, with friendship with our kids. We tell our kids all the time mommy and daddy are very best friends. Before we fell in love, we loved hanging out together and we’d go kayak. We talked to them about all the things that we mutually enjoyed that have nothing to do with lust or sex or any of those things, all the things that we love about our personalities, and we say and that’s, you know God, a lot of times we’ll do that He’ll put someone in your life where you learn to share something lovely with them, and then he’ll create this love between the two of you. And that’s the best kind of relationship, because you’re, you know about the insides and not just the outsides, and that’s, long term, a wonderful place to be in a marriage.
Yeah, yeah, and so we want to give them this picture of what, what we’re looking for in a relationship.
0:12:12 – Speaker 2
Well, and let’s be honest, the physical appearance changes. I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mandy majors, I mean, you know, after babies and nursing.
0:12:24 – Speaker 1
You know, my husband taught sex ed classes to middle school for many years oh mercy. You know the boys, one of the number one questions. They would pull them aside and they’d be like were you still attracted to your wife after she had a baby? What One of the number one questions. Yes, and it shocked him at first because he thought that was so interesting.
0:12:45 – Speaker 2
But what a great way for him to say I connect with her on more than just that.
0:12:50 – Speaker 1
Yes well, and he also said he would lean down because he’s really tall. He’d lean down and he’d say you wanna know something? Believe it or not. I was even more attracted to her because I knew she was amazing, but after I saw her bring life into this world, he’s like I just thought she’s a superhero.
And he goes and I just love her even more and I’m even more attracted to her and they’re like no way, mr L, no way, but it’s true. And so it just any opportunity we can pour into kids, our kids or others about the true gift of friendship and relationship and respect within a relationship, then the idea of just looking at someone and disrespecting them is farther from their mind. To treat someone that way.
0:13:35 – Speaker 2
Well, I just want my boy to put more emphasis on a girl’s heart than her boobs and butt. Can I say that on the air? You said it, girl. I said it. I don’t know if it’s gonna get edited or not.
0:13:47 – Speaker 1
I say you probably said boobs and butt more than anyone I know.
0:13:50 – Speaker 2
I think we push the boundaries here at nextTalk a little more, you know, but we gotta be talking about this stuff, because if we can’t talk amongst adults about this stuff, how are we gonna talk?
0:14:01 – Speaker 1
about it with our kids. I always say your friends and your spouse are your practice for getting comfortable about saying these things in front of your kids. Yeah, absolutely.
0:14:10 – Speaker 2
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0:14:32 – Speaker 1
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0:14:34 – Speaker 2
Yes.
0:14:35 – Speaker 1
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0:14:55 – Speaker 2
Yes, Today we’re talking about sexual assault and harassment, and we’ve really talked a little bit about, you know, boys and teaching our boys respect for females, and we talked a little bit about girls teaching respect for boys. Also, kim pointed out that it is an equal thing that we need to do. You know, one thing that I really want to talk about too and this is difficult to talk about, but it’s something that we need to is, you know, boys assaulting other boys. We’re seeing this more, you know, even in Hollywood. Come out in the media where allegations are being thrown around about, you know, older actors trying to seduce and sexually assault young boys, and this is a thing.
We have also seen national stories, sports teams, where the boys are sexually abusing other boys as part of a hazing or whatever on the sports teams, and this is a conversation that we must have. This so self-control thing. Yeah, because I feel like because of the decency decency station we’re going through with social media and, and you know, so many kids sing pornography so early, it’s almost like I can do whatever I want to anybody. I want kind of mentality and we’ve got to stop it.
0:16:19 – Speaker 1
I’m glad that you said that. I think something that my eyes have been open to recently is this idea along those same lines of first exposure yeah, and if our kids are seeing pornography or sexual acts, they we don’t know what that looks like if it’s boy with boy, girl with boy, group things, and that is the first exposure that they are seeing to something sexual.
And hear me on this their hormones may be responding, yeah, which is not something they can control yeah so they’re seeing this act, they’re having a physical reaction to it and they’re thinking, well, that felt good, but that’s kind of weird. But then they want to reproduce that feeling.
0:17:01 – Speaker 2
Yeah, their first exposure to something may be really terrible thing, right, but they are reproducing it because they have a positive reaction to it and there’s no one there explaining that that’s a chemical thing, that that’s not necessarily what they should be doing or the way that they should be having a sexual relationship and this is why it is so important to start so early talking to your kids, when they’re two and three, about if you see something online that makes you uncomfortable or it’s new, or it’s different or it’s something you’ve never envisioned before, like you need to come talk to me about it so you can help them process that.
Start that so early, because if you hand them a phone at 13 or 14 or whatever and you’ve never had any conversations and then all of a sudden they have everything coming at them, it’s just too much for them and then we have a situation where kids could be abusing other kids or because, again, the self-control that has not been taught and then they’re just seeing the objectification of people on a screen like it’s not a real person, it’s I can do whatever I want, there aren’t feelings involved, there aren’t consequences exactly you know the in my book.
The National Center of Victims of Crime say experts agree that the the problem of sexual abuse is greater than what’s actually reported. But this is what’s actually reported one in five girls and one in 20 boys is a victim of sexual abuse. Get this children are most vulnerable between the ages of seven and thirteen and I just want to point out again and I say this in my book that is the time frame that most kids are getting their first phone, and for me, that is the time frame that I stopped talking because I felt like I covered a lot and I was just totally blindsided. I thought you know, when they turn a teenager, that’s when I really need to start talking about sex or whatever. I need to be started talking about way earlier. Yes, and so that age frame is just. Sometimes we just let our guard down, especially that seven to ten. I feel like that on the bottom end of that we just for me, I took my hand off the steering wheel.
0:19:16 – Speaker 1
It’s so easy to do because they’re still so young and sweet and they’re still kids and you think they’re not really seeing or doing anything. And I will tell you, it has been so hard for me the last few weeks I feel like I have because I have a second grader yeah and so we have a lot of friends in that age range first, second, third, I feel like almost every day I’m hearing from a mom, their kid, and they’re like I just didn’t think, I just didn’t think that.
You know, I know you talk about this camp. I just didn’t think it would happen. It’s a vulnerable age. That age is just so hard, and so that’s when we need to really hold tight to the steering wheel and really be engaged and really get in there with these conversations.
0:19:56 – Speaker 2
I think honestly that first grade to fourth grade I mean, it’s such an important time to build a foundation of conversation because fourth on up you’re gonna daily be hit by something and you got to already have them in the Habit of coming home and talking through it with you.
0:20:11 – Speaker 1
And so use those little things as training grounds, and sometimes they’re big things even during that age frame and, as we always say I just love to throw this out because we don’t know when or where you’re at. If your kids are older and you’ve got a eighth grader, high school or even you know whatever, and this is the first time you’re hearing this concept of having these kind of conversations with them, it’s never too late. It’s never too late to just dig in there and start talking with your kids.
0:20:38 – Speaker 2
God can mend any relationship, he can build any relationship, he can create open communication in your family. It just often takes us looking in the mirror trying to figure out, okay, why don’t my kids talk to me? I know, for me I wasn’t a good listener and God had to point that out to me before he would gonna change everything in my family. And so just being in tune to that, being humble, being willing to be like, okay, why don’t my kids talk to me? You know, and that’s a hard process and it’s a continual process, like I’m still learning things I’m doing- wrong.
0:21:07 – Speaker 1
Yeah, this week I was like man, I am not, I’m doing too much, I need to take my foot off of the gas pedals so that I have more time for just easy conversation, yeah, so let’s talk about easy conversation, like what does this look like?
0:21:21 – Speaker 2
How do you prepare your kids for sexual abuse? You know, when my kids were little and I was actually giving them a bath, I was very intentional about saying nobody touches your private part. You know, as I’m washing them or whatever, unless you’re at the doctor with me, or I’m washing you, that’s okay. Or medicine, you know, yeah, any kind of something like that, but otherwise nobody gets to touch your private parts. They’re your private parts, kind of thing. You know, until you’re married and then you get to allow your spouse to do that.
But another thing is, you know, once I stopped giving them a bath, I kind of stopped having that conversation. Yeah, again, seven to thirteen missing the window, yeah, so you just have to continually remind. And so now you know, when we have our annual exams and they go in and I’m with them, I have that conversation. It’s like it’s like my reminder. Now it’s my reminder as we’re leaving the doctor. Okay, that was okay because she was a doctor, but if that was a coach or a teacher or a pastor or a family member or a friend or a neighbor, whatever, that would not be okay. And like we have that conversation, just a reminder.
0:22:24 – Speaker 1
Check up. Check up. Conversation for the checkup. Yeah, if your kid ever claims that someone has sexually abused them or touched them or has been inappropriate with them, always believe your child. It is not worth it. No not to believe your child.
0:22:37 – Speaker 2
You go to the doctor immediately Get checked up. Yeah, don’t question it, even if it seems so far fetched and you just can’t wrap your mind around it.
0:22:46 – Speaker 1
If your kid is telling you somebody touch them, get them to a doctor and always listen when your kids uncomfortable about someone touching them Like even just normal touch like hugs.
0:22:55 – Speaker 2
Yes, don’t make your kid give hugs to adults when they don’t want to.
0:23:00 – Speaker 1
I heard I think it was like Reba McIntyre or someone like that on a show, like randomly on Oprah a hundred years ago, and she said she didn’t learn till she was an adult that it was okay to say no to hugs and Touching and things like that. And she said that and I thought, as I was raising my kids, I thought I need to give them that option, you know, because a lot of times we’ll say hug your someone or hug that person and they may be uncomfortable with that and we want them to be okay with saying no to that and having their own personal space and boundaries. Yeah, so I always say high fives or hugs, your choice, you know whatever and so give them that.
0:23:36 – Speaker 2
Well, and I love that, kim, I love that you brought that up the other thing is teaching them to say no to adults and kids. Yes, and so you know. This is this is something that we live in a culture that’s always like be kind and love everyone and that. All those are great Things, because those are the anti-bullying message that we definitely want to say, but sometimes we take it so far extreme that our kids don’t. They don’t feel like they can ever say no, yeah, and so we need to teach our kids early to be able to say no in a polite way. What do I mean by that? So, for example, if my kids are going to a sleepover which we are limited in, where we allow sleepovers but if they are, you know, I will say I used to say make sure you listen to the adults, and that’s all I said to them. I don’t do that anymore. Smart, because now I hear stories all the time, and so now I will say listen to the adults unless they ask you to do something ungodly or immoral or wrong.
Yes and then I need you to text me and you politely tell them no, and if it takes you hitting them to get away from them, you absolutely can. That’s very good. Yeah, you know, just giving them that option so that they don’t feel like they have to submit to Everything an adult says to do.
0:24:45 – Speaker 1
Yes, that’s so true. I think you know what we’re trying to say here. Start early with these family norms, like having these conversations that ingrain in them where the boundaries are with their body, also with how they can treat others. Teaching respect to the young age, for both girls and boys, for others, is imperative, so that is already in their heart and mind when they get to the age when it starts happening.
0:25:08 – Speaker 2
For a wrap-up segment today, let’s remember one we want to raise a generation of boys who see intelligent and heart in women more than physical attributes To. We want to raise a generation of kids who know how to exercise self-control and healthy boundaries and Three. Talk early and often about sexual abuse. Teach your kids how to say no. Always believe your child.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thank you so much for joining us on nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am On a m6 30 the word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We’re here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter, find videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
