0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:35 – Speaker 2
This is Mandy. Kim is not in the studio today. I have my husband, Matt. Hello in here with me. We are doing a show today. We are actually celebrating our 20th Wedding anniversary this month.
0:00:51 – Speaker 3
Is it this month?
0:00:52 – Speaker 2
Do I look like I could be that old sweetie?
0:00:55 – Speaker 3
Oh.
0:00:57 – Speaker 1
That isn’t.
0:00:58 – Speaker 3
That’s a question you don’t answer but I can’t say this it’s not this month.
0:01:03 – Speaker 2
It is this month.
0:01:04 – Speaker 3
Oh, it is.
0:01:06 – Speaker 2
Are you getting the dates confused again?
0:01:08 – Speaker 3
Remember we do know, i know, but we put and we put our wedding date on the back of my wedding ring. But I’ve gotten so fat I can’t get my wedding ring off. So now you get the dates confused, so now I get the dates okay, well, i’ll just remind you June, june, 12th baby. We should have had in the front of the way a little snippy over here June sorry.
0:01:27 – Speaker 2
No, um, we have been married 20 years And we thought it would be kind of fun to do just a show on things we’ve learned, just a couple things Little list we’re gonna give you and we set down and kind of figured out like what were some of the top things That have really helped us over the years.
0:01:44 – Speaker 3
Well, and particularly I, given the fact that we’re still learning. I mean, we were, we know there. You know many couples that have been married for 40, 50, 60 years and Most of them seem pretty happy.
0:01:56 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and, like you said, we’re always learning, but I feel like we we have learned a lot, we’ve grown a lot, still have a lot.
0:02:03 – Speaker 1
Oh, I still have a lot.
0:02:04 – Speaker 2
But I just think about man, the fights we used to have when we were first married versus now.
0:02:10 – Speaker 3
Yeah, they’re. They’re not as bad now. I know they were kind of fun earlier. A little bit They were kind of fun What you like to get me riled up in all the things I know, Whatever, that’s why you did the date thing in the beginning.
0:02:23 – Speaker 2
I don’t know what you’re talking about trying to throw me off My game here? All right, so let’s just dive right in. Well, first of all, you know what before we dive in, because some people may not you’ve. You haven’t been on the show for a while, so maybe just introduce yourself, tell them about yourself, and yep.
0:02:39 – Speaker 3
So Mandy’s husband, Matt, and I am in the business world. I’m not an industry in any sort, but Really do enjoy what nextTalk is doing. I think it’s great and very supportive and excited to see it grow, particularly as we continue to get requests throughout the world now for Support and help. So it’s exciting there. For my standpoint, though, i’m kind of the kind of the driver I drive the car and and just help things get done Logistically well and I love that.
0:03:13 – Speaker 2
You know, sometimes Kim’s husband, charles, is on the show with her as well, and I love some of the feedback that we’ve gotten from couples who are listening to the show is I love that your husbands aren’t in Ministry, because my my husband’s relate to your husbands, because you know We’re juggling the 60 hour week in the. You know, in the workforce We’re not everybody shares the same beliefs and you know all the stuff And and so I really think that it’s a special voice that you and Charles bring to the table. Just very relatable.
0:03:43 – Speaker 3
Well, i don’t know how special it is but it’s certainly different words, yeah. Charles for sure. I mean, he’s a really talented guy and works in the school district with lots of kids, so he sees a lot on the front line is what’s happening. So you might, my world is definitely different than you and Kim, but it’s great to have the varied perspective.
0:04:06 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you’ve helped me a ton, though from the business side of things, just with the organization of nextTalk and helping with that like you’ve been a great asset. Okay, who cares, let’s move on. What have we learned in 20 years? What’s the first thing Do?
0:04:18 – Speaker 3
you think well, the first thing I’ve learned is to let you go first, so why don’t you start?
0:04:25 – Speaker 2
I think well done honey, well done check mark. You know, i think one of the most important things and it’s gonna sound cliche because that’s what nextTalk is all about, but it’s true Communication is key. I mean, it really is this So many fights could have been avoided just by having a calm conversation Versus just acting out of feelings and the snap judgments and all the things I mean. And so what do you think in here, what do you want to add to this?
0:04:55 – Speaker 3
Well, it is key. I think maybe men and women Have different views on communication and I don’t love the idea of let’s just sit around and talk. That is you know, it’s not my I’m, it doesn’t sound exciting to me, but there are different ways that we communicate and we’ve learned that, i think, significantly in the past 20 years that we have Different modes and forms of communication. So you and I are likely not gonna sit down and Just curl up on the couch and just have hours.
0:05:28 – Speaker 2
Of communication right in front of a fire while we watch some sappy Hallmark movie. That’s not, that’s me, that’s not what I want to do. It’s not gonna happen.
0:05:37 – Speaker 3
It’s not gonna happen. At the same time, though, mandy’s not gonna be out in the garage changing the oil on Lawnmower or something like that. That’s what I how.
0:05:44 – Speaker 2
I a little skimpy, something that I wouldn’t look cute anymore. Well, i Was just going bad, yeah but no, you think you’re right.
0:05:53 – Speaker 3
I mean, really Communication is key. It’s the point to which really everything pivots.
0:05:59 – Speaker 2
I know I’ve learned a lot. You know I would typically not tell you when I’m struggling. You know I would hold it in and you would do something little that would just set me off. It may be like socks on the floor, or you know the way you don’t get up for dinner when I say let’s go, it’s dinner time. You know you’re not up real fast.
0:06:19 – Speaker 3
Well.
0:06:21 – Speaker 2
Whatever. And then I just go ballistic and you’re like where did that come from? And I’m like you remember three days ago when you did this, like this has been building since then. I think I’ve learned a lot like to really tell you in the moment, and sometimes the timing is off and we have to, you know, take a minute, maybe it’s me coming back the very next day, but just not harboring those feelings, because truly the feelings often lead to fights. If we act on the feelings.
0:06:48 – Speaker 3
Well, you mentioned timing.
0:06:49 – Speaker 2
Yeah, so that’s the next thing. probably, right, yeah, so you know it’s.
0:06:54 – Speaker 3
It’s quite timely. Actually, timing is everything. In fact, right before we got on the the radio here, i got a text from a guy in Austin I’m trying to buy a guitar from. I haven’t shared that with you, but I’m sharing that with you now.
0:07:09 – Speaker 2
Oh, thanks honey.
0:07:10 – Speaker 3
And so great timing, because it’s unlikely that you’re gonna really Disagree with me aggressively on the radio, so I’m giving you the look. I know you are giving me the look, but and we’ll talk about this when we get off the radio- We will, we will definitely talk about this but timing is important.
It’s probably right up there with communication I but it’s just something you learn over the years. I mean, I’m sure in 40 years I’ll have an even better understanding of when is the right time To approach you with something and the way I would approach you at during that time.
0:07:47 – Speaker 2
One thing I’ve learned about you are Friday nights are off, off limits.
0:07:51 – Speaker 3
I’m exhausted, You know I mean it’s, I’m worthless.
0:07:54 – Speaker 2
You’ve commuted two hours every day or more. Yeah you’ve worked. You’ve been pulled in a hundred million directions. I don’t really schedule things on Friday nights, unless it’s like a football game or something you know, something that’s only on Friday nights. I don’t schedule family outings or have guests over. I’ve learned that. I’ve also learned if there’s something that I need to share with you, it normally waits till Saturday morning. Yeah, it’s a little when you wake up and you’ve slept and you’re, you’re ready for the weekend.
0:08:21 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it’s gotten worse too as I’ve gotten older, particularly, yeah, the past few years. It’s definitely I don’t have the stamina that I had to To be able to just kind of continue with a lot of engagement.
0:08:34 – Speaker 2
And if you don’t know what good timing is for your spouse, maybe just ask them, say hey, are there any times that are like off limits, that I just can’t come to you with things?
0:08:42 – Speaker 3
right.
0:08:43 – Speaker 2
And even through the week, sometimes, like on weeknights, if you are out of it. Normally what I do is wait until the next day and I catch you on your commute And I call you after I drop the kids off on your commute and you’re always refreshed and ready to talk then. But like late at night after I put, we put the kids to bed through the week. Some I mean, and sometimes you’re like I’m not put them to bed, i’m going to bed because I’m out.
Yeah and you know, I just know those aren’t good times.
0:09:08 – Speaker 3
It’s, it’s. We have to be strategic.
0:09:10 – Speaker 2
Yeah, be strategic and okay. So this is one that I feel like probably is number one too. It’s up there right with communication.
0:09:17 – Speaker 3
There’s a lot of number one.
0:09:18 – Speaker 2
I know right, there’s a lot of that’s like top of the list, but this is extremely important. I Have noticed that when we’re in a Bible study together or Separately, you know like you do your guys thing and I do my girls thing, we are better spouses to each other. You agree with that.
0:09:37 – Speaker 3
Yeah, i would say I think the the closer we get to God individually, the better Marriage we have. We focus on God first and then I think he helps really kind of smooth that path for us individually.
0:09:51 – Speaker 2
Well, and I just feel like we don’t react with emotions as much. We literally talk things out because we’re we’re more at peace, we’re more less like just Actionary, and we because we’re more focused on God, like you said, and so hands down, i mean, i think this is like One of the most important, if not the most important thing that you can do for your marriage next to communication and timing, of course. Well, yeah, I mean they’re all up there, but they all kind of work together.
They really do work together, because when we’re not, when I’m not Seeking God and trying to get to know him better, i’m not communicating as well, because I’m a hot mess and your timing is off in my timings off. Yeah okay, in yours is too, let’s just I’m not.
0:10:36 – Speaker 3
I’m not throwing things. I’m not joking about this guitar. Though It’s beautiful, you should see it.
0:10:40 – Speaker 2
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Another one. Okay let’s this kind of goes into the guitar thing okay. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
0:10:50 – Speaker 3
Yeah, well.
0:10:52 – Speaker 2
So let’s set this up.
0:10:53 – Speaker 3
Okay, you’re gonna start go ahead I.
0:10:55 – Speaker 2
Think, once you get to know someone and you’re spending all this time with them, you just assume how they’re gonna respond to things.
0:11:02 – Speaker 3
That’s fair right. Yeah.
0:11:04 – Speaker 2
And I think sometimes we just think they’re gonna be this way or they’re gonna be that way, and then you don’t even talk about it. You just in your head think that’s how it’s gonna go.
0:11:13 – Speaker 3
Yeah you play it out, you just yeah, play it out.
0:11:16 – Speaker 2
So let’s talk about this what you think well, i.
0:11:19 – Speaker 3
So this is, this is dangerous, because I think whenever you, you know, whenever you make an assumption that well, let’s go back to the guitar point, right?
0:11:30 – Speaker 2
So we’re going back there.
0:11:32 – Speaker 3
It’s a really nice guitar.
0:11:33 – Speaker 2
Okay, but you came to me a couple weeks ago about the whole good. I agree.
0:11:37 – Speaker 3
This kids, because I knew what we needed to communicate about it.
0:11:40 – Speaker 2
I mean screwing this kids. What’s that mean?
0:11:41 – Speaker 3
I knew, we needed to communicate about it. I knew I need to get the right timing and I prayed about it, so I hit those first three. But I anticipated, whenever I dropped a hint a couple weeks ago that I was ready to buy another guitar, that you would Not respond well. Not respond well, and I was wrong. You actually responded really well and Threw me off my game. To be honest with you, i’m my strategy was out the window and I thought Who is this person I married and what they do with my wife.
0:12:18 – Speaker 2
You know who you can think for that response nextTalk. I’m not even joking.
0:12:23 – Speaker 1
I’m a next-talk wife.
0:12:26 – Speaker 2
I’m a next-talk wife like this. Literally this ministry changes me every day because, for real, you know, when I got that text from you and you were like, hey, i want to, you were what do you call it? greasing the skids.
0:12:40 – Speaker 3
Yeah, whatever.
0:12:40 – Speaker 2
I don’t even know what that means. That means what feeling me out?
0:12:43 – Speaker 3
no, it’s just We’re gonna grease the skids. If you grease the skids, it’s easier for the actual delivery to take place, because the So you’re prepping me?
0:12:52 – Speaker 2
It’s prepping me You’re prepping me to buy the guitar in Austin. Well, yeah, that one actually wasn’t in Austin, this one I just found last night so you know, when I got that text, i Immediately went to budget, because that’s what I do, right? I immediately think of budget and all that, all that jazz. But then I thought to myself This man has no real hobby. He doesn’t have time on the weekends to do hunting or Fish. We’re in this season of life where he can’t get away on the weekends right.
0:13:25 – Speaker 3
He needs something that’s right here in the house that can be a stress reliever so fun, but fundamentally what you really did here is you didn’t react Emotionally, you, you kind of you took you get, were patient, you took a step back and You treated me with respect and you said okay, well, it’s not the end of the world, this even though. is it gonna be a big deal? is it a game changer? Is it gonna solve all of our problems? No, but is it worth making a buck? is it worth fighting about?
0:13:56 – Speaker 2
If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk radio at 2 pm On am 6 30. The word nextTalk radio is sponsored in part by PAX financial group and listeners just like you. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations to support our organizations. Go to nextTalk org and click on give.
0:14:26 – Speaker 1
There’s big news if you are an investment client of USA a. Just recently, usa announced that a Cleveland Ohio corporation has entered into an agreement to purchase USA asset management. They have always been an exceptional organization and will continue to serve our community well, but if you are considering a change, this might be the right time to look at San Antonio’s PAX financial group. 210 881 5700.
0:14:50 – Speaker 2
Pax financial group comm investment advisory services offered through PAX financial group. If you’re just now tuning in with us today, this is Mandy. Kim is not with us today, but I have my husband in the studio.
Hello and we are celebrating 20 years of marriage this month and we thought it’d be kind of fun to do a show of, just Like, some topics that we have learned over 20 years. Things We’ve learned and we’re still learning, but these are some things that we’ve started to figure out and we wanted to share them with you. We’ve already shared a couple and I want to go into another one That’s kind of like the one we just talked about before the break. We talked about, you know, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. I also want to talk about, like, don’t jump to conclusions.
0:15:38 – Speaker 3
That’s really important.
0:15:40 – Speaker 2
I mean, i kind of think about sometimes when I’m on your, you’re on your phone, yeah, and I literally in my mind go to he’s searching for guitars or cars or something.
0:15:49 – Speaker 3
Well, I off your phone. Well, I could be searching for flowers for you.
0:15:54 – Speaker 2
Nine times out of ten you’re doing work. Yes but I jumped to the conclusion and get mad, and so I think we just need to be really careful about that.
0:16:04 – Speaker 3
Yeah, we do. I think that’s just a just hard, because everyone, just we automatically grab these preconceived notions.
0:16:11 – Speaker 2
It’s responding with the feelings again.
0:16:13 – Speaker 3
It is, yeah, that gut, whatever well, you got, you know, your whole day or your whole week, or you mean you got all this baggage That you’re already carrying in and then you see something that just Triggers, it sets you off and it may not be legitimate. Unfortunately, and I think this happens in a lot of marriages, it’s there’s so much, there’s just so much going on into each person’s life and It just kind of ignites.
0:16:40 – Speaker 2
Let me move on, because we’re running out of time and we got so many points and I want to get through some more of these. Another one be vulnerable. Your spouse should be your safe place.
0:16:51 – Speaker 3
Yeah, i don’t really like this one. Vulnerable to me It’s really girly, it’s kind of emotional and I don’t really. I don’t what. What do you mean by vulnerable?
0:17:02 – Speaker 2
I mean being real. You’ve gotten better about this over time, i would call this self-reflective. Okay, so we define things differently.
0:17:11 – Speaker 3
Yeah, yeah, i mean I I would say self-reflective is is more of a way of evaluating myself and Making sure that the way I act and the way I treat people is reflective of the way I want people to perceive it. In my case, as a Christian, i want for people to experience Christ when they I mean, i’m not turning water into wine, but I want people to feel like I love them in a not a weird way and that you have integrity and that you care.
0:17:44 – Speaker 2
Exactly kind of thing. Right, you’re respectable, that kind of thing.
0:17:47 – Speaker 3
Yep.
0:17:48 – Speaker 2
Yeah, i think this is just one. You know, i think this is way easier for women than it is for men. Like I’m just gonna be stereotypical here, um, but I can tell you, i feel like you have gotten way better over the years of really being Um able to communicate what’s going on in that brain of yours, you know, and I think that’s important for men to do that.
Yeah um, because again, the women, we, we just jump to the conclusions, you know, like, for instance, when you don’t pay a lot of attention to me, i jump to the conclusion, i go automatically He doesn’t find me attractive anymore, he doesn’t love me anymore. Where you were like, oh my gosh, i just got to figure out this work thing, you know, and if you would just communicate that to me Then it would solve a whole lot of worry on my part, kind of thing. You know what I mean.
0:18:34 – Speaker 3
Yeah, no, I get it.
0:18:35 – Speaker 2
I think it’s just really important. Just you know, your spouse should be your safe place. Um, okay, this is a big one. I feel like this we did all wrong.
0:18:44 – Speaker 3
Are any of them small?
0:18:45 – Speaker 2
I know right, but this one we got so wrong at the beginning of our marriage. We got it wrong. I don’t think we got any of these right, we got it wrong I don’t think any of them were right at the beginning. Okay, so we Highly recommend that you do the budget together.
0:18:59 – Speaker 3
Oh, you’re talking about finances.
0:19:00 – Speaker 2
Yes. So let me tell you, when we first got married, i’m more, i was more the detailed person back then The spreadsheets and I would just do the finances And I would say this how much do we have at the end of the month and this and this and this?
0:19:14 – Speaker 3
Yeah, i felt like you controlled me, like I was a puppet on a string.
0:19:18 – Speaker 2
I didn’t like that and every time you wanted to spend money You felt like you would have to call me, because we were on a super type budget too. I mean, when we first got married It was like to go out to eat, for $10 was a stretch for us sometimes. Um, we had college loans, we had all the stuff that we had to deal with, um, but now we and I do a lot of the Detail work of the budget still, but once a month, without fail, we will sit down and go over it together and you’ve even started doing more of the detail work even now.
0:19:46 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I mean we bottom line is we co-own. Yes our finances and so um. It’s a respect thing. It boils down to respect.
0:19:55 – Speaker 2
Well, and now, if you want to spend some money, like on the guitar, instead of calling me saying, hey, do we have the money for this, you will text me and you’ll be like, hey, i want to take it out of this fund, is that? okay, that’s what I’m planning to do, right, i’m planning to pay for this and I’ll be like, okay, great, that’s because you know it now.
0:20:11 – Speaker 3
Yeah, so I in fine. We know that finance, financial matters, are one of the leading causes of divorce in the united states, and so This, like I think you really did to make it start with a good point here, this is really a huge one.
0:20:24 – Speaker 2
Yeah, i feel like it. We, we. There were a lot of fights caused at the beginning of our marriage And about what year three or something we went through, dave Ramsey, and that really was like the turning point. We created our own budget sheets, we created our own system. I mean, just recently we sat down and redid formulas for how we were going to do certain things and we did it all together And we both felt so much better once we had the plan in place and we tweaked some things that weren’t quite working Right. But it was a group effort and we highly recommend Dave Ramsey. Go follow him. His financial peace university. It’s great. Um, okay, next one.
0:20:56 – Speaker 3
We’re running out of time.
0:20:57 – Speaker 2
I know be a team.
0:20:59 – Speaker 3
Yep, yeah, we gotta.
0:21:02 – Speaker 2
Expand.
0:21:03 – Speaker 3
Yep, we gotta be a team, i agree. So, um, you know why, get married if you’re gonna try to go through life on your own. I mean, why? why? what’s the point? I mean, it’s Life is not easy, and so I’m fortunate to have Mandy to build to um help me get through life, i help her and she helps me, we help our children and our parents, and so it is really about being a team.
0:21:28 – Speaker 2
Well, and it’s not just the juggling of the schedules and the picking up and the dropping off and all that jazz. I mean, that’s great to be a team in that, but being a team of you know, and it kind of goes back to being vulnerable and being the safe place of just. I’m struggling with this. I need help. Well, when I’m down you encouraging me and vice versa. You know that that emotional part of that being a team.
0:21:51 – Speaker 3
Yeah, so we’re not. we’re not talking about being in the Cleveland Browns, we’re talking about being in a successful like. we’re talking about the Patriots. We’re Cowboys Well, i mean, we’re not. it’s not just really be a team, but it’s realized, you are a team and how are you going to be a successful team?
0:22:08 – Speaker 2
Working together. Yeah, constant communication And, okay, intentional, be intentional about scheduling time together. You are going to get busy. The older your kids get, the busier you get to. I mean it is nuts, it’s crazy. So you’ve got to make time. I think Matt and I we do a really great job of family time, like with the kids. Vacations are really important to me, like carving out that time, but we need to improve more on our one on one time. I mean we do an okay job. I would say maybe once a month we get away and have dinner or whatever, but sometimes we’re just so exhausted It’s like so much effort.
0:22:49 – Speaker 3
I don’t really have anything to give.
0:22:51 – Speaker 2
Yeah, well, and a lot of times what it’ll look like is hey, we’re not going to go on a date this month, but Saturday morning when we wake up, we’re staying in our bedroom for the next three hours. We’re just going to lay here and talk. You know, like sometimes it’s just that.
0:23:02 – Speaker 3
Well, you talk, i usually sleep.
0:23:04 – Speaker 2
No.
0:23:04 – Speaker 3
Okay. So I think the other thing too is, you know, we kind of round this thing out. I think we’re really focused on being patient and having fun.
0:23:17 – Speaker 2
Yeah.
0:23:17 – Speaker 3
I mean that’s the thing. So there’s so many challenges in life and there’s so much being thrown at us and our kids, and so being patient with one another and finding ways to have fun, just like we did when we were dating and you know, when we were engaged we married. I mean, we didn’t have any money, we didn’t have anything, we had literally nothing, but we had a lot of fun. And so you know, you kind of kind of go back and memories of what that was like and that was just kind of fun.
0:23:53 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think we do a good job too of finding humor in things, you know making fun of ourselves and each other a little bit, you know lightening them. You’ve got a smirk on your face Like you want to say something.
I’m not saying anything Like you want to say something, but I think it’s really important and you know back to your point about being patient too, loving each other with grace. You’re not going to be perfect Each other, you’re going to mess up a lot, but having that grace for each other and just being patient like they’re a work in progress Just like I’m a work in progress. I do think it’s really cool to see Matt struggle with something and then he come out.
Thanks, No I mean like on the other side of that Squirm Suckers squirm. You come out on the other side and there’s so much growth in it. I love to see that because it’s an up close and personal front seat to it. And so seeing you come out of something and being like, wow, he conquered that and he, you know, overcame a fear or laid that down like he’s really not worrying about that anymore, that’s really cool for me to see. And I think that goes back to the being close to God thing.
0:25:00 – Speaker 3
It does, it does. And I think the beauty of our marriage with you know, having having this communications as a priority, focusing on timing, making sure that you know we don’t jump to conclusions, being vulnerable, working on our financial plan and being a team and really focusing on these points we just sharpen each other. That’s the thing. We sharpen each other and we’re able to hopefully pass this on to our kids.
0:25:27 – Speaker 2
It’s been a fun. 20 years honey.
0:25:29 – Speaker 3
It has, and a fun show.
0:25:30 – Speaker 2
Thanks for coming on.
0:25:31 – Speaker 3
All right.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
