0:00:00 – Speaker 1
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0:00:10 – Speaker 2
Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim Every Saturday at 10 am on AM630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:37 – Speaker 1
Well, this is Kim Mandy’s not here today. I have the wonderful pleasure of having my husband, Charles, back in studio with me.
0:00:44 – Speaker 3
Hello, hello Hello.
0:00:46 – Speaker 1
Well, I have to tell you that the last time we did a marriage show, it is our number one. Listen to nextTalk radio program.
0:00:52 – Speaker 3
Oh boy, that was a lot of pressure. No pressure, right, right, yeah, no pressure.
0:00:58 – Speaker 1
Let’s go back to the drawing board and let’s bring our husbands back again. So Mandy’s going to do a couple of shows with her husband and I get to have you as my co-host for a couple of shows on some real subtle boring topics nothing super important.
0:01:12 – Speaker 3
Right.
0:01:13 – Speaker 1
So today we’re going to talk about sex.
0:01:15 – Speaker 3
Right, very subtly and as quietly as possible. Right or just no, yeah, not, this is bad, this might be bad.
0:01:25 – Speaker 1
It’s funny because, for those of you who don’t know Charles and I, we have been married now for 15 years.
Yes, 15 years Together for 20, 21 years, met in college at the University of Hawaii and we’ve got three kids and Charles is an administrator in public school. Yes, and I am the director for nextTalk. That’s a little bit about him, but one of the things that you may not know is that we did a lot of marriage ministry for pre-marriage and marriage in the beginning of our marriage. It’s a lot of marriage that we’ve had.
0:01:56 – Speaker 3
Yeah, we’ve been blessed to really just kind of share God’s word in a lot of different ways. We’ve been able to and I always felt very unqualified to speak on behalf of so many other great leaders and other great speakers in the church. When we’ve been asked to speak in front of other either pre-married couples, couples that are thinking about making this huge decision, I always kind of just felt like, well, I don’t really have a lot of expertise, I just can tell you what I know and what I’ve gone through, and if that helps then that’s great. And that’s kind of where I feel like I’m here is just to kind of shed my own little experiences and maybe I could speak on behalf of a lot of the guys out there, a lot of the husbands that are also kind of going through this sort of struggle.
Not that sex is a struggle, but the timing and the prioritizing of it in marriage can be a struggle. It can be something that is it kind of takes away from the enjoyment is to not always be like on the same page, and so this is something that we really felt was important to kind of share with the nextTalk community and yeah, well, and our marriage really truly is an example of God’s grace because we both come from long lines of divorce.
0:03:01 – Speaker 1
We have no examples of strong, healthy marriages that we were raised with, except for God placed some couples in our lives early in our relationship, and they were our mentors and, yeah, and it’s key, it was so important and he has just poured into our marriage and into our relationship and so that’s what he does. You know, he takes the most unlikely people who come?
from all this divorce and no example of good marriage and says let me use them. And so it is a humbling thing. But in a general sense, manny and I talk about this all the time you know the Bible is old but it’s relevant. God knew sex would be a thing Like. You can look in the scriptures and you can tell that he knew that this was going to be a challenge. It was going to be two people coming from different perspectives.
First Corinthians seven, three through five. Let the husband render to his wife the affection do her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except with consent for a time that you may give yourself to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. There’s Colossians three, 18 to 19, ephesians five 22. There’s so many verses in the Bible about marriage because it’s so important.
0:04:25 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and there’s also like a ton of stories in the Bible too where sex at the wrong time and with the wrong people really just kind of jacks up the history of entire generations of people. And so, as much of a gift as it is and as much as it means to be enjoyed, we appreciate Paul’s letters because it needs to be stewarded well, because if not, it can really lead to some serious downfalls too.
0:04:48 – Speaker 1
That’s another thing that we talk a lot about here at nextTalk is it’s not just about you. There’s that ripple effect. Everything that we do and sex out of the context of marriage in a sinful sense causes problems and sin and turmoil and disaster beyond yourselves. So the first place it needs to be healthy is in marriage. So it’s an important topic and today we’re gonna talk about the sex scale.
0:05:12 – Speaker 3
Yes, yeah, we came up with this idea, I guess, when we were driving from San Antonio all the way to Phoenix. We had some time on our hands and it was immediately following, kind of I guess you could say, an argument that we had.
0:05:26 – Speaker 1
Yeah.
0:05:27 – Speaker 3
You know, we had some, I guess, missed expectations on my side of things and it kind of led to some frustration and so I was able to voice my concerns and maybe not the most constructive way, but it led to a really good discussion in the 14 hour trip that we had going out there. So I just kind of thought that leading up to our trip our kids were attending a vacation Bible school for four days. We had the house to ourselves for four days.
0:05:57 – Speaker 1
We need to preface that with, because we do homeschooling and we have all kids under age eight. There’s kids around all the time.
0:06:04 – Speaker 3
We are never, alone.
And we had four days alone. I mean not that these they weren’t at like camp, they came home in the afternoon, but I’m thinking, wow, I mean we have like several hours for the next four days. Yeah, we have to prep for this long trip, but I’m sure we’re going to be able to find some time to enjoy each other’s company. Well, what was I wrong? To be wrong of all wrongs? I thought it was just like a given nature, like because that was hey, we got some free time. This is immediately where we should go with this.
But it wasn’t anywhere on your scale. And it wasn’t, I mean, not only was it not anywhere like on your scale, it was almost like it was upsetting for you to even like consider, like we have all these things to do, we have to get this ready, we have to get that ready, we have to make sure the house is clean, we have to. All these other things had to be in order first and I just kind of I was just blown away by that. I was like I can’t believe that this is happening. Like it made me think of, made me think of one of those flow charts where you have like, if this, then yes, and you would follow the arrow, like I kind of feel like in the woman’s brain at that particular time. I’m looking at this going.
Okay, so if all these things had to happen and it was like this giant flow chart that you would think would lead to I don’t know some like I don’t know well-developed plan, it had to be, everything had to be in place, whereas, like in my list, it was really just, it’s not even a flow chart, it’s just sexes up at the top and if it’s not at the top, it can immediately get to number one, pretty much without like any hesitation. I mean, this one little hint, one little show of a shoulder, one little suggestion, it immediately goes to number one.
0:07:42 – Speaker 1
Yeah well, it’s funny because one of the ways that you put it that really cracked me up when we were in the car talking about this. You said things in place before I can enjoy intimacy with my wife, zero Things in place before I can fully enjoy intimacy with my husband 792.
0:07:56 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it felt like it that week, for sure, and it’s true.
0:07:59 – Speaker 1
I mean we’ve all heard that before. We hear the jokes. You’ve seen the sitcoms, you know the story, the books. It’s a common topic that men and women are different. But really talking about where it lies on your priority list and why it’s there, I think, is what we wanted to get into that day, because we realized that it truly is different. And I mean here’s my thought Now. I’m sure a lot of the ladies can relate to me. You know we were getting ready. We had four days. I’m never without small children who are always tugging on me and needing something constant needs, right, Never alone. So I can never finish a thought or complete a task ever. And so I’m like this is amazing four days, four half days where I can complete a task, where I can get ready for our first ever one million hour road trip and I can make these little baskets I saw in Pinterest for the kids and I can do this and I can take these pictures and I can clean the house, we can come back to a clean home.
and I had all these ideas in my head and it is true, never once did I think I can have a romantic getaway with my husband during that time, and I feel terrible that that didn’t come to the top of my mind, but it’s true.
0:09:14 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I just thought it was interesting. That I tried to explain to you, I think later on, was that I didn’t have to derail your plans Like it’s not like by letting us have some intimate time during any one of those four days. It was not going to like not allow.
0:09:30 – Speaker 1
There will be no cleaning, only intimacy.
0:09:32 – Speaker 3
Right it’s you know I don’t wanna get too far into the details there, but it’s not like it would completely take up the rest of the afternoon. And so I’m coming from, and again, that was not even considering what it was like for you to have a morning and part of an afternoon without having any kids, because it must have been like this whole other sense of freedom where you could actually do all these things on your to-do list, and that was something that you’d been really maybe looking forward to for a long time. You know, when I come home, the house is already very loud, and you know I never have time alone with well, really without the kids in the house. So I’m thinking, oh my gosh, I get a chance to be with my wife in an empty house. And that’s immediately where my brain went. And so I just didn’t know why you weren’t always kind of seeing that there too.
I just kind of and I don’t want all the ladies out there to kind of get the impression that men only think about sex. That’s not true. You know, we’re very single focused, though. You know all the research that suggests. You know, like a woman’s brain is like a plate of spaghetti, whereas like a man’s brain is more like waffles with like compartments. We could be very focused on something that’s not sexually oriented. It’s just that sex can take the place of whatever we’re prioritizing very easily. And so we could be. I mean, we could literally be building the world’s largest card tower, but if my wife walks in the room and says like hey, you know we got some time. Do you want to go fool around? I’m like okay, card tower can wait, I don’t care if it’s outside.
0:10:56 – Speaker 1
Like immediately you can switch gears. Exactly, you jump into the other compartment of the waffle.
0:11:00 – Speaker 3
And I could see how that would. You know, a lot of women would be like well, my husband only thinks about sex. That’s not the case. It’s just that we can always be something we’re thinking about. We can easily get to there, whereas like a woman, you know just, it takes a lot more time, a lot of and I’ve just realized this for you especially, a lot of things have to be in order for you to want to be there, and I want you to be there.
You know. I want you to be fully, you know, intimate with me. You know, and I want to make sure that it’s enjoyable for the both of us, and it’s something that I really wanted to. You know, make sure it was a part of our marriage was that closeness that comes with it, not just the physical act, but making it a very intimate one in which we’re together. And I want all of you there, right, I want your mind there, I want your body there, I want your soul there, I want everything there, and I know now that not all that is possible as quickly as it is for me.
0:11:51 – Speaker 1
Well, and I think that’s where a lot of couples get in trouble. We use that as an excuse. We say, okay, you know I’m at a zero over here and there’s that, you know the 790 things that need to happen, and we stay in that space, right. And so then maybe someone compromises, says forget it, then you know what, it’s too hard to get you in the mood. Or she says you just don’t understand me, you know you don’t get it and I’m not going to get in the mood, or I don’t have anything to do with that. And so staying in that space is not a healthy place to be. That’s not an excuse because you’re different, that’s just the reality. It’s finding the middle on that list, that priority list, the middle between zero and 792 for you and your husband where you can meet, and it becomes this beautiful place that you understand it’s kind of like strategic planning for sex.
It really is. We got to recognize patterns so we can avoid failed expectations.
0:12:43 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I think that’s one of the things that I’ve learned a lot, and even though this just happened recently and I was always aware of this is that in order for me to have you completely there, I need to take a little bit off of your plate. So if you’ve been waiting this whole summer just to have four days alone because you had this like massive task list, I should have been able to be a little bit more aware of what you were prioritizing.
So, I could have been able. I could have. I mean and you’ve told me this before of how romantic it is when I do those kind of things for you without asking, you know, and it’s not even the, it’s not a candlelight dinner, it’s not, you know, a date night, it’s not that sort of thing. Or it is me recognizing a knee that you have, taking some of that burden, some of that pressure off of you. That’s just as much of a romantic act, maybe even more so than some of those other things. So, instead of me putting you know sex at number one, putting you first and seeing what was important for you at those times really would have served both of us better. You know a lot quicker. But I shut down, you know, we kind of dug trenches and it was a silence.
0:13:42 – Speaker 2
You know and of course like we didn’t go anywhere.
0:13:44 – Speaker 3
Like you know physically or you know emotionally, it was just like a very you know it was trench warfare at that point, you know, going into a 14 hour road trip.
0:13:51 – Speaker 1
Yeah, not cool. Yeah, that was not. Yeah. The good thing, though, is that our conversation came out of that and we were able to talk through some of the things that we know, but, like everything you know, we talk about this at nextTalk.
All the time it’s an ongoing conversation. You think you can’t check it off and say, oh, we had that talk about sex and what I need and what you need, and it’s done for the rest of our marriage. That’s just not how we work as humans. We tend to fall back into our ways, we get lazy, we get complacent, we get into this rhythm and we think everything is okay, and that’s where I come in with what you were just saying is I know that it’s important for you to feel respected and loved, that I make sex a priority. It needs to be near the top of the list, and I know that that’s a lot easier when there are no kids in the house.
So, recognizing that this four day span was coming up and saying, okay, I know myself, I need to get some of these things done ahead of time and make space for us to be together during that quiet time, and, I think one of the things talking to a lot of different women that I have heard over the years is that women do this crazy thing where we build it up in our head that it’s this huge act, enormous. We have to shower, wear the right thing, you know, set the mood, say the right things, you know. All of this we have to set the scene, and so it becomes this whole event. It’s like I need to be an event planner.
And it’s going to take me.
0:15:15 – Speaker 3
It does seem like that sometimes.
0:15:16 – Speaker 1
I need my spreadsheet to make sure that I have checked off all the boxes and that I am ready and everything is where it needs to be for this event to take place. And it’s not like that at all, and we realize that the moment that it’s over. That’s the funny thing about women it seems like we’re like that was great and it was so easy and it was so much fun. Why did I build this up to be this huge thing?
0:15:35 – Speaker 3
Right and it didn’t need to have all the other things going into it. Now there are levels of intimacy that can be created. I always feel like it’s very nice when someone takes the time to set the stage for something, because it does show that they’re taking an interest in the things, that you know that they’re into right and so like if I know that it’s really important for you to have, like you know, like the house, a certain way or you know it has to make sure that you know, maybe the bedroom is a certain way, or lighting or these kind of things are important to you, then I will go out of my way to make sure that that happens.
But it’s also just kind of interesting, you know, to kind of make sure that it’s not always the same every single time, because that whole like that monotony can kind of make it not feel so special anymore even if it’s like really, you know, over the top romantic, seemingly right, but if it’s like this, almost like a planned, cheesy or just you know it just doesn’t feel like very like yeah it doesn’t feel like it really is coming from any sort of passion. It’s like oh, it’s Wednesday, you know, let’s like the candles you know, it’s like oh, you know what I mean.
It’s just sort of like I don’t know, that doesn’t really. I mean, yeah, that’s great that we’re able to spend some time together, but there are, you know, more passionate ways to kind of enjoy that time.
0:16:42 – Speaker 1
If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10am on AM 630. The word today I am blessed to have my husband join me. Obviously, you’re not Mandy. Next.
0:16:52 – Speaker 2
Talk Radio is listener supported.
0:16:54 – Speaker 1
Everything we do here at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through donations To support our organization. Go to nextTalk.org and click on give. So we’re talking today about sex within marriage, and where does sex lie on your to-do list? We talk about recognizing patterns so we can avoid failed expectations, and recognizing his needs makes him feel respected, and recognizing my needs it flips the switch for intimacy and impulsivity. You are talking about realizing the things that need to happen for me to relax and be in that space. It makes me want to be with you more. I’m like man. He really gets it. He really understands my to-do list that is being checked off in my head. He’s being sensitive to that. Then I feel definitely more in the mood and I want to jump in there. Then I start to ratchet up closer and closer to the top of my to-do list because I feel like you really get me.
0:17:49 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I actually can skip a few steps.
0:17:50 – Speaker 1
I think at some point you can maybe too.
0:17:52 – Speaker 3
You went from 792 to 514. That’s like that’s a 200 point jump.
That’s amazing. Great, great move there. That’s one of the things that I’ve kind of learned. It sounds kind of almost selfish to do this, but you really kind of do it out of love for your spouse. You don’t just do it so that you can get to that point where you’re intimate. You do it because you know that it takes off their burden and that it’s something less that she’s thinking about, because I know if your mind’s not in there then it’s not going to happen. I need to take those things off of your to-do list. I need to kind of take that plate of spaghetti of yours and maybe straighten out a few of those noodles, or maybe take some of those noodles off of your plate, because I know it’s just all constantly intertwined.
I need to make you feel relaxed and that it is a safe place, that the things that are on your mind can wait or they will be taken care of, and that everything will still be like A-okay, amen brother.
That’s one of the things that I’ve probably learned the most is just sort of being that there’s a lot of joy in giving to your wife and things that she normally wouldn’t expect me to do. For me to go out of the way to take care of certain things or to take the kid out. If I know that, that’s how important it is for her to have the house to herself. If I have an opportunity to actually take the kids out of the house and give her some quiet time for just a couple of hours on the weekend, that’s one of the most romantic things I’ve probably have done for you in the last several months. You were just like oh my gosh, I love you right now. I was like well, I know you got a lot on your mind. It probably was something to do with this radio program.
It’s true, I came home from work and I was like, oh boy, I could just see it in your face. I was like, why don’t I take the kids to do something? And then you were just like I saw it in your face.
0:19:32 – Speaker 1
A blessing.
0:19:32 – Speaker 3
I just saw the stress like kind of you know, melt away and there was a lot of joy in that for me too, to know that I was able to provide for you in a way, and I know that kind of builds some intimacy points with me also down the road.
0:19:43 – Speaker 1
Because it’s and it’s not always about the sex. That’s the thing. Like the intimacy, that building of the intimacy will lead to that which is beautiful. But sometimes we need to recognize the intimacy of fostering the relationship on other Other other fronts, like you said, like recognizing my stress level or recognizing my needs in other ways, and that builds intimacy that leads to sex later on, right um?
0:20:09 – Speaker 3
Just the fact that, if you are thinking about it, that’s nice.
Yeah you know what I mean, like giving me like a little bit of a heads up every now and then be like, hey, you know what, tonight I’m looking forward to spending some time with you. Might not happen like right now, or be like you know what I’m really excited about getting a chance to, you know, have some alone time, and that’s like, oh my gosh, she’s thinking about that also. All right, I feel so much better now because it’s not just me Trying to be the one who initiates you know the physical acts, because that could be a little overwhelming for men, that sometimes, like if we’re the only ones being the pursuer, we kind of get a little tired of it, you know, and we’re constantly. I feel like, you know, if I’m the one that’s always pursuing, then maybe she doesn’t want to, you know, ever. And I don’t know if any husband really wants to be constantly pursuing to the point where we feel that we’re the only ones who want to do it like it’s one side.
0:20:58 – Speaker 1
I can see it like I put myself in that position and I would feel Strange yeah like why aren’t you feeling the same way as I am right, yeah, no, that’s a good point. And I think for women, a lot of times we shy away from Physical touch or any kind of intimacy because we think, well, it’s gonna have to lead to sex. And I think it’s a good conversation to have again outside of an argument or outside of them the bed, when you’re on date night or just having some downtime or on a car ride, is what those expectations are. And you have told me a few times, like you know, jump in the shower with me. It doesn’t have to lead to sex, but that just intimacy and that touching and that closeness fills your cup for the day and that also saves on utilities.
0:21:38 – Speaker 3
It saves on utilities which also fills your that feels my bucket.
0:21:43 – Speaker 1
And for me, you know, I want to be able to feel like I can be, like snuggled up with you and Maybe I’m emotional or maybe I’m just having a hard day and not feel like if I snuggle up to you, you’re gonna expect me to take my clothes off right. Like I need to know that I can have that kind of intimacy from you too, right, and so you have to talk about that beforehand.
So it’s not that failed expectation right one of the things that I’ve talked to a lot of women about that I think is important is being the bride before the altar, being his bride from before the altar, with tiny little bucket fillers. And so, like I know mid-afternoon my husband you know he gets tired, just like all of us do. You know that two o’clock, you know when you’re at work or whatnot and so every once in a while I’ll go pick up his favorite coffee or his favorite doughnut or something like that, and I’ll run it by and drop it off, or I will put a note in his lunch or I’ll do something that is just a tiny show of affection to let him know that I’m pursuing him and that I see his needs and I see him and what, what would make him feel wanted, and that’s also part of building up that intimacy.
0:22:55 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I think it’s really kind of cute, you know, it’s just almost like there’s still like that little bit of courtship. That’s there. Yes, you know, and so just because we’ve been married for 15 years now, you know it’s still important to kind of keep things fresh, and it doesn’t always have to be, you know, it’s very hot, steamy, passionate thing. It’s really about getting to know your spouse and to know them better than anybody else on planet Earth, you know, and to to do those things that speak to their heart and to speak, you know, to them so deeply and so honestly that they know that you love them.
You know so much, you know and unselfishly and unconditionally and that, those little tiny notes of those little tiny you know trips to Starbucks so I can get a little pick me up throughout the day. Those are just, you know, they go way beyond, you know.
0:23:37 – Speaker 1
just the gift itself, yeah, and again, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s just recognizing little things that will bless your spouse and that builds intimacy in a big way. Really, having this conversation ongoing is the key, and we talk about that all the time here at nextTalk, that it’s not a sit-down one time, check it off, it’s an ongoing. Hey, what do you? What are you feeling about this? You know, what did you think about that? Or here’s how I’m feeling. And we’ve had to do that a million times over the course of you know, 15 years so many and, like we said, we had a big argument about it just this summer. You’d think we would have learned our lesson, but Satan loves to creep in when you don’t talk about it and put untruths in your mind that lead to further and further divides and trenches between the two of you, and Sex is a great playground for him to create that space.
0:24:25 – Speaker 3
Absolutely, you know, and the only way to like really increase the amount of intimacy is going to having those Honest times where we actually do have time to talk, whether it’s in a car for a really long ride or maybe Having a date night where you just have a chance to get away and actually just talk to each other. Because you have to continue to communicate, you know, in all facets of marriage, but you know specifically with sex, because that the only way to actually grow in intimacy is to continue to talk more about it.
0:24:51 – Speaker 1
Absolutely so. A couple of takeaways. One honest talk about your sex scale leads to more intimacy. I have met couples who have never even said the word sex to each other. You have to start somewhere. It may be awkward at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets to. Sacrificial understanding and adjustments are necessary for both spouses to feel fulfilled. If you are a zero and he is at a 100, you’ve got to meet in the middle and find out what that is and how you can get there. And three recognize Patterns so you can avoid failed expectations because that’s when the hurt begins and the divide gets wider.
Thanks so much for being here today. I love doing the show, oh.
0:25:31 – Speaker 2
I had a great time. I loved it too, thank you. Thanks for joining us on nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am On a m6 30 the word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk. Or are you ready for the next time?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
