0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim Every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter, find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:39 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us today. This is Mandy. Kim is actually off enjoying her family and I’m in the studio with my favorite guest ever, my husband.
0:00:51 – Speaker 3
0:00:51 – Speaker 2
I brought you back. You know our ratings show that y’all love the marriage shows, so we’re doing a little bit more of them. So it’s me and my husband today and don’t get stressed out, matt I want to do something kind of fun today.
0:01:06 – Speaker 3
0:01:07 – Speaker 2
Are you up for it? Always Before I ask.
0:01:09 – Speaker 3
Always as long as it doesn’t cost me money.
0:01:12 – Speaker 2
That’s so true. Okay, I want to name three things that irritate us about each other and that we admire about each other.
0:01:23 – Speaker 3
Irritate us. You mean irritate.
0:01:25 – Speaker 2
Yeah, Like what irritates you about me? Advice versa. And then three things that we admire, because we have to balance this out, because this could be, this is a dangerous show for me. We came in the same car. I’m in the studio. We may not be leaving in the same car, so are you up for that?
0:01:42 – Speaker 3
Yep, let’s give it a try, okay.
0:01:46 – Speaker 2
And I promise you know, like I won’t be doing the silent treatment or anything afterwards. Okay, we’ll see, like we’ll hold me accountable, Okay, okay, so you start and you know what.
0:01:54 – Speaker 3
Actually I don’t, no, I don’t think. So you know what? Okay.
0:01:58 – Speaker 2
I think I need to set some parameters here, because I know you, the three things that that irritate you. It can only be one funny thing, okay, one like minor daily thing. The other two, like I need real things that irritate you, okay, cause I know that the daily habit thing you could name like 60. No, not true, that is true. Um, so just one okay Of those, and then two serious ones.
0:02:22 – Speaker 3
Okay, you want me to start and you want me to start with, um, maybe a funny, uh, not so serious thing that irritates me about you.
0:02:32 – Speaker 2
Yeah, okay, yeah, let’s hear it. And then you’ll come and then you’ll come back at me with a right hook. I’ve already got mine in my mind. Even though you’re on the spot, I’ve got mine.
0:02:40 – Speaker 3
All right, let’s start with my funny one. Your organizational stuff um really irritates me. Um, like it’s okay, it’s just that there are some cords plugged in and then they’re not properly tucked behind the cabinet.
0:02:54 – Speaker 2
I don’t do cords. No, you don’t, or wires wires, I can’t stand um mess busy.
0:03:02 – Speaker 3
It’s not mess, it’s actually um it’s organized chaos.
0:03:05 – Speaker 2
I just need like clear, functional space.
0:03:08 – Speaker 3
Okay, well, that irritates me.
0:03:11 – Speaker 2
Okay, I’m hearing you. I’m hearing you loud and clear.
0:03:14 – Speaker 3
Um so what about me?
0:03:17 – Speaker 2
Oh, you know it’s funny, because the first funny thing that I was going to say was your stash. My stash Well you want to tell them what the stash is. Um no, why don’t you? The stash is the clothes that he’s worn for maybe an hour and it’s like I’m going to wear this later, so they’re not dirty, which I appreciate that he doesn’t just throw everything in the dirty clothes. But there’s this growing pile of clothes on our kitchen, or no, on our bathroom counter.
0:03:44 – Speaker 3
Kitchen two, I mean not kitchen.
0:03:46 – Speaker 2
I would go crazy if it were in the kitchen. Um, I like to refer to it as the stash, and I think this happened. What? 10 or 15 years ago in our marriage, I hit a boiling point and I said get the stash out of here now, like I can’t handle the clutter.
0:04:04 – Speaker 3
It’s you know, it’s you. Just there’s no way to win in this. For the guys out there that understand there’s no way to win, I mean, first it’s uh what, you wore that for an hour and now it’s dirty, and now it’s um, this, this stuff’s been laying around here for for a week and you’ve worn it 10 times and it’s laying all over the place.
0:04:24 – Speaker 2
So I just think it’s funny that both of our funny things have to do with this um, because it does irritate each of us. And but you know, we found kind of a good balance. I think I have seen you making strides to. I have now given you a shelf in the closet for your stash, so at least it’s not on the counter. And I will tell you. When I walk in and I see your stash in the kid in the closet, I literally think to myself oh, how he loves me. He loves me.
0:04:51 – Speaker 3
Well, let me just say there that small little thing helps me. So there are times that, um, my stash um is where it’s not supposed to be, and it’ll be early in the morning before you wake up and I will realize that it’s there and I will quickly move it to where it needs to be, to my predetermined stash location.
0:05:13 – Speaker 2
Thank you for the effort so okay, so more seriously. Yeah, give me another one. What’s your second one?
0:05:18 – Speaker 3
Did you say what irritates you about me? The funny, oh the stash.
0:05:21 – Speaker 2
Yeah, the stash. The stash is what I’m.
0:05:23 – Speaker 3
it’s kind of funny though, okay so this is where it’s gonna start to hurt a little bit more.
0:05:26 – Speaker 2
Yeah, this is gonna stay that bad the more serious thing that irritates me, I.
0:05:31 – Speaker 3
It just drives me nuts whenever it seems like I constantly look over at you and I say something, and you’re on that phone, you’re on that cell phone. It drives me absolutely nuts. Yeah, like what is so important, I mean, is the answer to world peace on that phone, and do you have to be on it every time? Every time I look at you, You’re right, it stings.
0:05:59 – Speaker 2
And you’re right, it’s a constant balance for me. I have so much coming at me. I’m monitoring the kid’s accounts, I’m, you know, working on the nextTalk, stuff. It is a constant battle for me and I have, you know, I do that rule where it’s on the mud bench. I do really well when I leave my phone in another room during those family hours. But it’s the nights that I have to be on it because something’s getting ready to come through, and then everything else comes through too, and then I just get off track and I have to be more intentional about it.
0:06:29 – Speaker 3
Okay, what about me? What are you? What are you? Are you serious?
0:06:32 – Speaker 2
Well, you know, I’m kind of stealing yours because I had another one, but you, I feel like I need to hit back on that point. Of course you do. Of course you do. And I just be honest, like there are times when you come home and you, you know, I know you’ve had a long day. I’m prefacing it with something soft because I’m getting ready to go any time.
0:06:54 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I know I’m prepared.
0:06:57 – Speaker 2
And you get on your phone too. You’re bad about it too. You will be in your chair and you literally maybe have two hours with us at night after the commute and after everything, and like, why do you have to be on your phone for two hours? It can wait.
0:07:10 – Speaker 3
I understand and so I’m going to try to respond. There’s, once again, no right answer here. I recognize that, but I, my job doesn’t end when I leave, and so I am wrong, though I wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to say, make sure it’s clear I’m wrong and I understand that, and I I should not be. I should recognize when I come home. If I expect you to give me full attention, then I should need to reciprocate.
0:07:42 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think this is just speaks to most families today, we struggle with the balance of this phone. I mean, we are attached to them more than we realize and we have to be aware of that, and our kids are seeing us and they are modeling that behavior and we have to be oh so careful. Okay, what’s your third one, your serious one, for me.
0:08:03 – Speaker 3
Okay, this is. This drives me absolutely nuts and I would argue that, that this I think there are probably a number of guys out there that might feel this way too and that is it drives me nuts. When you try to soften me, when you try to feminize me, I just, you know, I want to. I have thoughts, I have feelings, I have words that I want to express in the way I want to express them. I don’t need those to be filtered through a woman’s mindset before they can be spoken or heard or whatever.
0:08:46 – Speaker 2
I think that’s amazing. I think that’s a great point and I don’t mean to do that, which is crazy. You’re telling me that I do that. I don’t mean to do that. This is actually. I’m kind of rethinking this show right now because it’s hurting a little bit more than I thought it was going to hurt.
0:09:00 – Speaker 3
Well, it’s only gotten worse with time, so if that makes you feel better. When we first got married, you weren’t as much that way, but as we’ve gotten closer, through being married almost 20 years now, it seems that we have become more of one entity. So my thoughts have to. You want them to be your thoughts or words.
0:09:22 – Speaker 2
The other thing is, we’ve thrown kids into the mix now, though, too, because so before. So I think sometimes you are so honest, which is one of the things I love about you. You are brutally honest, though. You just like to say what you want to say. I am more of a let’s cushion it with a positive thing first and then go in, and you’re not like that, and so I think, as we’ve entered kids into the mix and the conversations in our family, I feel like we need to be a more united front, and what you’re saying to me is no, let me say my thing, and you can present it how you want to present it.
0:09:56 – Speaker 3
That’s not exactly what I’m saying. I’m actually because I recognize the fact that we do have to be cautious. Our kids are watching us and I totally get that and I’m really at fault for a number of things. But more than anything it’s maybe if it’s doing, it’s just you and me. I want to be able to be myself.
0:10:18 – Speaker 2
You know, what comes to mind for me is the Wild at Heart book.
0:10:21 – Speaker 3
Yeah, that was a good book.
0:10:24 – Speaker 2
You’re a man. I don’t need to make you be like me. You need to be a man and have your thoughts and, like you said, and say it the way you want to say it.
0:10:35 – Speaker 3
So I think, believe it or not, you’d actually like me better if I was who I am and not who you are.
0:10:41 – Speaker 2
Absolutely. That’s why I fell in love with you, honey.
0:10:43 – Speaker 3
Okay, getting emotional, move on.
0:10:47 – Speaker 2
Okay, if you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 10 am on AM 630. The word nextTalk Radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nextTalk.org and click on give. So if you’re just now tuning in, this is Mandy. I am here by myself today. Kim is home enjoying her family and I am here with my favorite person ever, my husband Matt, and we’re doing something fun. I kind of surprised him and he’s actually doing really well and it’s hurting a little bit more than I thought it would hurt. We’re doing three things that irritate me and three things that I admire about one another, and we’ve kind of got through the things that irritate us, and so maybe we need to go towards the positive things, because we need to end this show on a positive light probably.
0:11:41 – Speaker 3
I would certainly be better off for me.
0:11:44 – Speaker 2
So. So let’s talk about what we admire about each other. Um, and I’ll let you go first, cause you went first before.
0:11:50 – Speaker 3
Okay, so this is huge for me, um, and it’s only been I think this has only been the past couple of years, maybe five years that this has really been like a noticeable thing, and what I really admire most about you is your really strong desire to understand my challenges. So, um, I’m not saying strong desire to understand me. Uh, what I’m saying is that’s your desire to understand, like, what I’m dealing with every day.
And, um, it’s a big deal because on a daily basis, I’ve I’ve got a demanding job, I have a stressful, long commute. Um, I also think about how I’m going to pay the house off, how I’m going to educate, pay to educate two kids, how I’m going to be. I mean all of these things that are not trivial. Um, and obviously these aren’t things that we thought about when we first got married. But the fact that you actually want to understand it’s not um, I know whenever you’re faking it, but you’re not faking it you actually do want to understand. What that tells me is that you don’t expect me to do it alone.
0:13:01 – Speaker 2
You know, I I really appreciate this comment, actually, that you, that you said that, because I feel like, as a wife, I have gotten better at this.
0:13:09 – Speaker 3
0:13:10 – Speaker 2
I feel like I have. I was not good at this before, um, I, I think before my attitude was kind of like this is your role, just do it, like I mean you come on, let’s go, um. But now I realize that you, you have a lot coming at you. And you know we, kim and I have talked about this before how dads have more pressure on them today that really than any time in history, because not only do we expect them to you know have the career and you know make, you know provide, and even if you’re in a dual income, you’re still expecting your husband to you know provide, provide that income, um, and then but you’re also expected to juggle all the kids stuff with us.
0:13:56 – Speaker 3
You know like, and I think there’s been a little bit of a shift in how we view dads but you know, even beyond the dad thing, um, even to the individual level, your desire to understand my challenges mean a lot to me. And then I’ll give you a quick example. When I sold my 67 Mustang, um six months ago, you looked at that strictly as it’s just a financial transaction. But for me, as that car was on the back of that car hauler being hauled off, it, believe it or not, was harder than I expected it to be. And the reality is you didn’t laugh at me or make fun of me. Uh, I actually came home and told you, man, that that that shouldn’t have been that hard, but you actually listened and you cared.
0:14:39 – Speaker 2
Well, I would hope that I would never laugh or shut that off on you. I hope I never did that before. Did I used to do that?
0:14:45 – Speaker 3
We used to talk about it.
0:14:47 – Speaker 2
Um, you want to stick on the admiration? Okay, well, let me give you one that I admire about you. Um, you know you’re you’re a great leader, and I know, I know, that you are very humble in this, but, um, you have this quiet way of leading. That is remarkable to me.
0:15:06 – Speaker 3
It’s called sleeping.
0:15:08 – Speaker 2
No, I don’t mean that, even though that could. That could be on my list of irritations. But okay, we’re talking about that.
0:15:15 – Speaker 3
I just got to sleep.
0:15:17 – Speaker 2
Um, you, you really have. I love that, you that you let me stay in my lane and you’re, you’re in your lane and you don’t try to tell me how to run the household. You know there are certain things that I take care of inside the house and you let me do that. You let me run it, you let me. You know all of that kind of stuff. Um, and I love that about you, you don’t try to. You’re not a micro manager or trying to shape or mold me. You let me be me, and I really appreciate that. And I’ve seen the kids as they’re getting older and they, they, really appreciate your leadership too. You know, because the other thing is you’re not one of those people who act like a leader as far as like wearing the mask of being a leader. You’re just this quiet, humble person that leads really well, and it’s remarkable to watch Like I have learned so much about leadership through you.
0:16:11 – Speaker 3
Well, thanks, let’s move on to the next one. Okay, um, okay, so I this really is at the top of the list, um, but it’s really your love for Jesus that, uh, that I actually admire the most, because, uh, that that’s truly the cornerstone of everything in our, in our lives.
0:16:29 – Speaker 2
Well, you know and I would, that would definitely be one with me too that you love God and you seek him. You know we did a show before talking about Submitted and flawed, and on that show I thought you raised a really great point. That has stuck with me is that we both come from a place of we’re not worthy. You know we’re, we’re messed up, we’ve got issues, and so neither one of us feel like we know it all or have it all figured out. It is a place of truly daily seeking God on a daily basis. And you know, what I love about our relationship, too, is that one of us struggles, you know, and Do something that we’re trying to break, like a cycle. You know We’ve been trying this diet and exercise thing, whatever. When one of us slips up, you know, we have grace for the other one too. You know it’s like a really when you are centered on God and focused on him. It is the key to a healthy marriage.
0:17:27 – Speaker 3
Yeah, yeah, and the irony too is Once in the past few years, as we’ve really focused on this Communication, right a true open communication with our kids and then with our marriage. I Can tell you, with the greatest degree of honesty and sincerity, that I honestly feel like I could tell you anything and Even though you’re gonna be angry, I feel like You’re gonna ultimately still love me. We’ll work through it.
0:17:58 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know, I was thinking about when I was prepping the show and saying, oh my gosh, which by the way we need to talk when we drive away in that new car I just bought.
0:18:07 – Speaker 3
no, Joke right. Yeah.
0:18:12 – Speaker 2
Yeah, so I was thinking about how. You know, five years ago I don’t think I would have even had the guts to say to you what irritates you about me, because I would know that it would throw me into an emotional, crazy, crazy mode. And I feel like I have come a long way as far as you being able to say, honey, I love you. But this, this really bothers me when you do this, and it has really improved our marriage, like I I can’t even describe it other than the fact that we literally went from from fighting to talking a lot. We did a show on that too, which was a really great show.
0:18:49 – Speaker 3
Yeah, but did you okay the second?
0:18:52 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I said Jesus to you love God. And you see, kim, and the other thing about that too I love when you know our kids wake up in the morning and you’re at the counter reading your Bible and they see that and you don’t make them, you don’t say go get your Bible, everybody’s doing this with me, you just do it. That is one of those things where you’re like this quiet leadership, you’re just modeling it for them and you do it really well. Okay, what’s your third thing?
0:19:17 – Speaker 3
All right. Lastly, I think this is really important for men. I don’t know, I can tell you. It’s really important for me. You show me respect most of the time and Even in times when I probably don’t deserve respect, you still show respect and and that goes over, that goes a really long way for me so give.
0:19:41 – Speaker 2
I think this is a really important point, because Sometimes when we get irritated at our spouses with the little daily habit things and they build and, build and build, we kind of start to disrespect them because in our minds this irritates us, that irritates us, and we can’t like talk about it with them. And so it elevates to a level of you don’t mean to show disrespect, but you are showing disrespect.
0:20:06 – Speaker 3
Well there, are some of it’s in the little stuff. A lot of it’s in the little stuff. Yeah, give me, give me examples you know I don’t like social media. Yeah just don’t. I’m not a super social person and I don’t like to be plastered all over it and you. If there’s something that you want to put on social media about me, you always ask me, and if I say no, I don’t, I don’t want that on there, you’ll respect that.
0:20:29 – Speaker 2
That’s you to you. Huh, I didn’t even know that little things like that big, that what it means is you, you it’s.
0:20:37 – Speaker 3
I recognize that you put everything on social media like you know what, what you had for breakfast, dumb things.
0:20:44 – Speaker 2
Okay, I don’t do that. I don’t, quite the opposite.
0:20:48 – Speaker 3
And I and that’s really big to me I like privacy and I just think the social media it’s just not something I’m a big fan of and but what that tells me is, whenever you look, you listen to me about the Little things. It tells me that you’re listening to me about the big things. The other side of it, too, is when, when you know I’m going kind of nuts and saying kind of stupid things, particularly in front of the kids, you won’t put me down in front of the kids.
Yeah you will say, dad, put dad filter, dad filter, put on the dad filter, yeah, and I’m like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot, these are my kids and you know I need to. I need to rain this in a bit, but you won’t. You never Chastise me. Well, you never really chastise me, but you never. You really respect the environment we’re in and you think about how I might feel, about what you might say and how it might look to others.
0:21:41 – Speaker 2
Well, this goes back though, too. It’s easy for me to respect you when you are a great leader, like you’re not out here, and when I say you’re a great leader, you’re not out here dictating rules for us to follow and telling us how to behave. You’re just modeling out in your daily life, and so it’s really easy for me to respect that, because you’re amazing at it and that’s really, I think, is such an important skill that we’ve learned through the years in our marriage.
0:22:11 – Speaker 3
But I think this respecting is huge, and I can’t tell you though, the moment you flash some tone, you know you get sassy it all shuts down with me. I mean the moment, even the moment I sense that you’re gonna be sassy or you’re gonna be glued to your phone or you’re gonna be. You have some sort of a rebuttal, or there’s even a look you can give me with your eyes. That shuts me down and forget it. That’s it.
0:22:36 – Speaker 2
Well, and that’s something that I have become more aware of, and do you remember that moment?
0:22:41 – Speaker 3
Did I have tone on the you irritate me list or do I? Can I add that one?
0:22:45 – Speaker 2
I know see now we’re adding stuff that irritates us. It’s okay. This is what open communication does, right? Do you remember when we were setting out in the Home Depot parking lot Probably I don’t know, last year, sometime six months ago or something and I looked at you and I said God revealed to me that I have this tone issue. And I explained it to you, like because it is something that I had been praying about. Lord, show me how to be a better mom and wife. And I swear, one day I was talking to my son and I saw the tone come out Like it was like an out of body experience, and it was so clear to me Mandy, you have this way that you do with the people that you love the most, when your guard is let down and it’s hurting them. And I said to you in that Home Depot parking lot remember we were going to look at mowers? Do you remember that it was just you and I and I said I have a tone issue. And you looked at me and you smiled and you said, yes, you do.
That is what I’m talking about the quiet leadership. In our 20 years of being together. You’ve never pointed out my tone to me ever. It’s almost like you, let me, you let God speak it into me. And then, when I have the revelation, I come to you and I’m like I have tone and you smile and you’re like, yes, you do, but I love you. That is an example of the kind of quiet leadership that I’m talking about. You love me through it. You have grace for me even though I had tone.
0:24:13 – Speaker 3
0:24:14 – Speaker 2
Okay, so my last thing is you’re just honest. You’re an honest person.
0:24:20 – Speaker 3
You’re gonna stop at only three things you admire about me.
0:24:23 – Speaker 2
Well, we’re out of time, but your honesty is. It’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with you, because you’re brutally honest and sometimes it hurts, you know.
0:24:35 – Speaker 3
It wasn’t my gladiator body.
0:24:38 – Speaker 2
Do you remember the time that you said to me honey, I love you, but those genes, they don’t look right on you Like they’re not flattering to you.
You’ve said that to me numerous times on some outfits, and what I love about that is you’re not mean about it, you’re not mean, you’re never degrading or anything like that, and you always say it very sweet. But when you say to me, honey, you look hot, I know you mean it. That’s true, I know 100% that you mean it because you’re completely honest. When I’m at a speaking event and you afterwards, you’re like okay, we need to work on these things. But when I walk away from a speaking event and you’re like you are great, I know you mean it Absolutely. So your words matter Absolutely. All right, thanks for being here. You did great, hun. Oh, I appreciate it. I really liked this show.
0:25:31 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page