0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:35 – Speaker 2
This is Mandy Kim is not with us today because I have a special guest with me in the studio. It’s my husband, Matt.
0:00:43 – Speaker 3
Hello.
0:00:44 – Speaker 2
We are doing a marriage show today on feeling neglected.
0:00:50 – Speaker 3
I have to say I’ve rarely felt neglect. I can’t even see that with a straight face. You can’t even see it.
0:00:56 – Speaker 2
See it, I automatically. When you say that I automatically go to, I’m such a bad wife, That’s where I go.
0:01:02 – Speaker 3
So let’s take. Why don’t we define neglect? What is your? what do you believe neglect means?
0:01:08 – Speaker 2
Okay, so for me, i automatically go to blaming the other person, like I think it’s a trigger for me from my past. I feel abandoned, i feel not taken care of When I, when you say feeling neglected, like I’m feeling neglected, i automatically go to blaming the other person, which is probably awful. But that’s where my mind goes. Where do you go? What do you think of?
0:01:32 – Speaker 3
So whenever you say neglect, um, i don’t know, this might be kind of a, this might be dumb, but I just think more of neglect as being a description of something. So, for example, our yard, if our yard is supposed to be grass, but if it’s loaded with weeds, hey, that’s clearly a yard that has been neglected.
0:01:55 – Speaker 2
I think that’s so interesting because I automatically go to relational and I blame someone and you automatically just go to this logical thought process.
0:02:04 – Speaker 3
I’m more tangible.
0:02:05 – Speaker 2
Maybe that just shows how emotionally unstable I am.
0:02:09 – Speaker 3
No.
0:02:12 – Speaker 2
I think that’s an interesting point to just talk about, because sometimes when we say to our spouse I’m feeling neglected, what they’re hearing may be something other than you’re communicating, because you haven’t properly defined what you mean by neglected. So and that really applies to lots of conversations Make sure you’re what you’re saying, you’re defining it for your spouse, so they know where you’re coming from.
0:02:36 – Speaker 3
Well, yeah, if you clearly made me and I are on, not on the same page of what it means to potentially feel neglected. So, yeah, i agree with you. I think it’s important to at least start on the right foot.
0:02:49 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think it’s important to note that in every marriage there’s going to be these thoughts of you’re being neglected by your spouse, because there’s different seasons of life and things come up and there’s 24 hours in a day, so you’re not maybe going to get as much attention as you did when you were first dating.
0:03:08 – Speaker 3
Well, i mean, we’ve been married 20, going on 20 years, and so, if you think back in the milestones of the past 20 years for us, so we were married while we dated and then we dated for two years. Was it two years Yeah? I remember I was there, i just don’t remember.
0:03:25 – Speaker 2
We engaged like after six months, but then we had a long engagement, like a year and a half, so we the dating period was about two years.
0:03:31 – Speaker 3
You want to make sure, you want to throw this fish back.
0:03:33 – Speaker 2
You put a ring on it fast, yeah You were like well, you’re pretty hot.
0:03:37 – Speaker 3
You still are You still are? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you still are You? still are.
0:03:45 – Speaker 2
Fight breaking out.
0:03:46 – Speaker 3
No, no, we’re good, we’re good, let’s keep moving on. Let’s talk about neglect.
0:03:50 – Speaker 2
Okay, let’s talk about the different seasons of life.
0:03:52 – Speaker 3
So the seasons of life. So, if you think about it right, we’re dating, we got engaged, we got married and then we waited five years before we had our first child.
0:04:00 – Speaker 2
We were spoiled five years. It was all about us for our marriage.
0:04:03 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it was all about us. And then the first little bundle of joy came. Of course I love her just immensely.
0:04:10 – Speaker 2
But we should note that before we had her, I wanted to have a lot of kids like I was like six. I wanted to have a lot of kids and we brought her home for that. Yeah, that first night.
0:04:22 – Speaker 3
And that was the genesis of the neglect. I mean, I’m being kind of silly, but really when you bring that first child home and they do nothing but cry all night, and that it’s that moment where it’s no longer just husband and wife caring for each other’s needs, but now there’s a third player in the mix And so somehow that’s got to get split up, like it’s going to happen when you’re used to a one on one ratio.
0:04:53 – Speaker 2
You’re used to that time. Split right evenly. Just you guys.
0:04:56 – Speaker 3
Yeah.
0:04:57 – Speaker 2
You too. I remember that first night. I mean it was a rude awakening for us. It was a rude.
0:05:02 – Speaker 3
She would not stop crying.
0:05:04 – Speaker 2
She was a crier and I remember at 2am just bawling, bawling. I just couldn’t stop crying. I was like what We got to keep this little human alive? I don’t even know what I’m doing.
0:05:14 – Speaker 3
I was looking for the gift receipt to take her back to the hospital.
0:05:17 – Speaker 2
I remember you, do you remember you got out scripture and you were just reading it over me, like I was, like I need your help.
0:05:24 – Speaker 3
I went to the defined, i went to the word of God. please, god, give us direction.
0:05:31 – Speaker 2
I don’t even know what scripture you were reading over me, but I’m over here trying to read over you for me.
0:05:37 – Speaker 3
God, how do I do? What have we done? What? Where do we go from here?
0:05:41 – Speaker 2
But I think that was started in Revelation. I think that is such a valid point that oftentimes we’re like don’t neglect your spouse, don’t neglect your spouse. But I think what we’re trying to say is you’re going to neglect your spouse because the seasons change, more responsibility gets added to your plates. You know, your career grows normally and all of this comes on and your spouse is your safe place, and so you’re like they’re fine, they’re fine. I mean, we’re a team, we just got to get it done, but you end up neglecting them.
0:06:14 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I honestly don’t believe that in the past 20 years that we’ve been married there’s been a single time when you have really thought I am going to purposefully neglect Matt right now. Yeah, Like sincerely neglect, other than a little, you know other than when you get silent treatment for some. Well, yeah, but I mean, when I get sad.
0:06:36 – Speaker 2
I used to do that all the time, yeah And now.
0:06:38 – Speaker 3
I don’t, you don’t know.
0:06:40 – Speaker 2
No, you don’t do it, thank you.
0:06:42 – Speaker 3
Thank you, but I think that you don’t intend to neglect, but you know so. you get that first child and the opportunity for neglect creeps in, and then second child and then some people you know we only have two, but some people go. you know they keep going trying to fill the roster on the. you know, trying to fill the offensive line.
0:07:03 – Speaker 2
Honestly, we knew we were in over our head at one. We didn’t even know that was gonna be a two, because we were. I mean, I just don’t know, It’s our personalities, I guess I know.
0:07:12 – Speaker 3
Well, and so you just neglect happens, Even though it’s maybe not purposeful. So you’ve got kids and work and everything else and you’ve got neglect. Now I’ve got Mandy here who thinks that when he she thinks of the word neglect, she goes to blame.
0:07:28 – Speaker 2
So you can imagine Or I feel abandoned.
0:07:30 – Speaker 3
So you can imagine in our household how this played out in the past 20 years until she really got to a point where she recognized that oh, Matt’s not actually doing this, He’s not neglecting me on purpose. Anytime that the kids needed something or whatever the case and there was neglect, I was neglecting her or she felt neglected, I would get the blame for it.
0:07:55 – Speaker 2
Well, i just felt like you didn’t love me anymore. You know like he’s falling out of love. He’s not.
0:08:00 – Speaker 3
It sounds like a country song.
0:08:02 – Speaker 2
I know right, but it’s the reality was you are exhausted, you’re in survival mode, you’re a hundred percent committed. You just weren’t kind of communicating that to me And so there was a breakdown because my trigger went to feeling neglected and not being loved And yours was just like well, i don’t need to tell her, she knows. So you know, it was just the perfect storm.
I think, and I think we have to always be careful about this, because when you start to think badly about your spouse like if I start to think he doesn’t love me because that’s where I go because of my past and family and all of that, if I have to be super careful of that because Satan can come in and really hurt our marriage over that, you know, looking, i could be looking for attention from other people or whatever you know trying to fill that void, and I just have to be super aware of that. So I would never let that happen. Okay, so let’s talk about like right now, because we’ve talked a little bit about the history and we defined it. But like what? how do you feel neglected right now by me, like the last year? what are some things that pop in your head if I say how do you feel neglected?
0:09:19 – Speaker 3
So that’s easy for me.
0:09:20 – Speaker 2
Oh great.
0:09:21 – Speaker 3
Yeah, so that’s actually pretty easy. So you’ve gotten a lot busier as nextTalk has really grown and now you’ve got requests to you know, share the nextTalk, and now the team at nextTalk has also been heavily involved. But from your standpoint, you know it’s you were stay at home, mom kind of thing, and that we kind of got used to that for a while. And then you started getting busier and busier and busier. At no point did I think, oh, man, mandy’s, you know she’s just purposefully neglecting me. The reality is you had a lot that you have and had in the past year, had a lot going on, just didn’t have the time. So I felt neglected. Now I can tell you, as Mandy stayed, some people start oh, i feel neglected And I’m so I’m going to go onto Facebook or whatever and check out this person. I hate social media, but I so I deal with a little bit different and usually How do you deal with it?
0:10:19 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah.
0:10:20 – Speaker 3
When I feel neglected, unfortunately, i start looking at very expensive classic cars that have no place in our garage or in our finances And But that’s your outlet. It is my outlet. It is, it is my outlet, And.
0:10:35 – Speaker 2
I would rather you look at cars than girls, but just know that we can’t afford them the cars.
0:10:39 – Speaker 3
Okay, well, okay.
0:10:42 – Speaker 2
I will, you know. I will say one thing on this point In the past year, there has been a couple of times that Matt has said to me I feel like nextTalk is taking over your life, and I think old Mandy would have gotten super defensive and been like you know, god called me to this. You’re being selfish, even feeling this way, like it would have been all like what do you do when dude get with it? And new Mandy was very aware that I was being pulled in a million different directions and that I did not want this to.
One of my biggest fears about getting busier has been that it’ll hurt my marriage and our family. That’s one of the biggest things for me, and so I actually loved that he was able to tell me that, and I felt like it was a really healthy thing, even though it was hard to hear. And what I loved what he said was when he said it. He said I don’t want you to stop doing it. I know God is working and I know you’re supposed to do it. I just need you to know that I miss you, and I think that didn’t.
0:11:50 – Speaker 3
I follow it up by saying and hopefully you’ll make enough money.
0:11:53 – Speaker 2
We’re working by a classic Corvette, That’s never gonna happen, but you can keep dreaming. You can keep dreaming. That would take a lot of books to sell.
0:12:03 – Speaker 3
Well, let’s keep our fingers crossed.
0:12:06 – Speaker 2
What are some other ways that you feel neglected Cause I think that’s a big one with our adjustment with my work schedule.
0:12:12 – Speaker 3
So some of the folks that listen to this might appreciate this. It’s the social media, like I mean I can’t stand it. I mean I just don’t like it. I don’t understand it. Twitter and all this stuff I don’t get it. I mean I understand the value of it bringing knowledge, information, everything else But how you spend a lot of time on social media and probably a lot of folks listening to this do as well And sometimes it’s like come on, seriously, do you really have to have your face stuck on social media like hours and hours every day? A little bit of potential feelings of I wouldn’t say neglect, but just Kind of like is that your priority over me?
0:12:58 – Speaker 2
Maybe that Yeah which is kind of the same thing I feel like. So I have to really be careful with this. I love social media. I love being able to communicate with people, especially people I’ve met at other venues and events. They stay in touch with me that way. I love that part of it. I love hearing their stories, i love getting to know them And I use it a lot for work.
I mean I have to do research. I mean it really some of it is research for me, but I do have to be super careful. One of the things that I try really hard to do is never look at social media while we’re laying next to each other Or like when we’re in the bedroom talking or whatever, never to have it up. I try to carve out time at dinner, like in the evenings, you know like a five to eight kind of timeframe where I’m just not on it. Now sometimes I’m at practice and I’m waiting, and so I’ll get on because you know I’m sitting there in the car waiting or whatever. But when we’re at home, i’m talking about when we’re at home, but I do know that Matt gets really frustrated when he does see me on social media.
I think And he’ll even with my teen daughter.
0:14:06 – Speaker 3
Yeah, that’s where I was going next.
0:14:07 – Speaker 2
I mean, sometimes we’ll be in the car and she’ll be posted on Insta and I’ll be posting on Facebook And he’s like are you guys really posting this right now? Do we need to tell the world everything?
0:14:17 – Speaker 3
And I think that’s That drives me nuts, that drives me absolutely nuts.
0:14:20 – Speaker 2
Yeah.
0:14:21 – Speaker 3
I mean, I can’t imagine anyone out there really cares.
0:14:24 – Speaker 2
Well, and what I mean?
0:14:27 – Speaker 3
what you post on this like I don’t get it.
0:14:30 – Speaker 2
Well, it’s just one of those things. It’s just the way to be social. now, i think, and for me, being an introvert, like I don’t like the parties and stuff, like face to face stuff but the social media I love because it’s like the best of both worlds. You get to know people but you don’t have to like be in person, you know, like at parties or whatever.
0:14:49 – Speaker 3
OK, good for you.
0:14:51 – Speaker 2
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0:15:35 – Speaker 1
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0:15:55 – Speaker 2
If you’re just now tuning in with us. this is Mandy. Kim is not here today, but I have my husband, matt, on the show And we are kind of talking about feeling neglected in your marriage and how that’s kind of a normal part of it because seasons change and your time is limited. But how can you kind of communicate that and make it a healthy thing instead of something that will drive a wedge in your marriage?
0:16:18 – Speaker 3
Right, maybe we should. We don’t have a lot of time. Maybe we should shift to the things we should do when we are feeling neglected.
0:16:25 – Speaker 2
Yeah, let’s do that. Okay, what would you say? the first thing? Well, what advice do you have to give here?
0:16:33 – Speaker 3
So well, we don’t want. We want to make sure that whenever we are communicating that we feel neglected, we don’t do it in a way that has some bite or tone to it.
0:16:45 – Speaker 2
Like a smart alec.
0:16:46 – Speaker 3
Right.
0:16:47 – Speaker 2
Right, So tell me about this. Do you do this honey?
0:16:51 – Speaker 3
So this one is hard for me because I’m pretty tone neutral and my beautiful wife is not tone neutral, she has an orchestra of tonality.
0:17:04 – Speaker 2
That’s a word I don’t know.
0:17:07 – Speaker 3
But no, this is kind of difficult because it’s almost like the highest hurdle, i think. if, if you’re feeling neglected and you can actually tell your spouse that you’re feeling neglected and your spouse is strong enough to be able to hear what you’re saying and not respond negatively or aggressively, i think you’ve cleared the highest hurdle.
0:17:32 – Speaker 2
So I got a story recently. This happened just a couple of weeks ago. Matt was packing up his lunch for the day and I was at the kitchen packing our son’s lunch.
0:17:42 – Speaker 3
I was like, oh, this is in the morning. You’re really really bad in the morning.
0:17:45 – Speaker 2
Okay, just keep this. I’m not a morning person, i will give you that. And so Matt turned to me and he said do I have anything for lunch? What do I have?
0:17:58 – Speaker 3
What’s what I’m and what I meant by that was do you know if, like if, we have any leftovers in the fridge? that’s that’s what I was saying.
0:18:08 – Speaker 2
So here was my response Dude, i’m not responsible for what you eat. I got too much going on. You got to get with it. You got to get you do your lunch. I don’t know what’s in there. Here’s what I was feeling inside. The tone came out I became a smart. Here’s what I was feeling inside. Mandy, you’ve been so busy with work You don’t have time to make meals for your family and plan lunches anymore. So Satan was making me feel really bad about myself. But it came out in a very smart Leak remark. Well, what happened next really shocked me, because normally Matt is very even keel And I can’t remember what you said. But you snapped right back and you said something like dude, are you serious right now? Like you said something. I don’t even know that you wouldn’t say that. You wouldn’t say dude, but you snapped back And I, like teared up. I was like, oh my gosh, he’s talking back Like this. I was like what is happening here? And so what was funny?
0:19:14 – Speaker 3
is uneven playing, uneven playing.
0:19:16 – Speaker 2
That tone again. Yeah, I mean, but what was so funny you?
0:19:19 – Speaker 3
can attack me, but whenever I defend, then you cry I messed up, i messed up, i messed up, and.
0:19:26 – Speaker 2
But what was so funny is later we talked about it and I told you about my insecurities, like when, when you asked me for lunch.
0:19:35 – Speaker 3
I wanted. I wanted was lunch.
0:19:38 – Speaker 2
All you were asking was Hey, do we have turkey or chicken or some kind of deli meat I can take?
0:19:43 – Speaker 3
Do we have any leftovers?
0:19:46 – Speaker 2
And I went into. I don’t have enough time anymore to be, to be a good wife for my family and make all these great meals that I used to make, And so it literally was all about me and my insecurity. And once we communicated that, then we both apologized to each other and we realized how stupid it was. But I think that that’s just don’t become a smart alec Like I was a total bad person that morning.
0:20:13 – Speaker 3
Yeah, The next, the next thing that we you know that we try to do whenever we’re feeling neglected after you know you would make it past that big hurdle of not having a smart alec responses to really pause and pray, Also something I don’t do. Well, I really like to try to fix things And, of course, the older I get and the more experience in life I have, I realize how little control I really have over anything where it’s clearly God is in control and I just need to let go. So we just really are focusing on pausing and praying. So it’s practical too. So it’s spiritual. The praise up part, The pause part is practical because if you pause, less likely that you’re gonna say something that is gonna end up being problematic.
0:21:03 – Speaker 2
Go back to point number one. You’re not gonna be a smart alec because you’re gonna think it through a little bit more.
Also, look for the right time to talk about it, and we did a whole timing segment in the last show. I mean, timing is important, so you can go back and listen to that. I would also say, when you have a conversation, but make sure you’re not throwing accusations around. Instead of saying I feel neglected because you work too much and da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, you know, like naming office, all the stuff you think they’re doing wrong, i think just focusing on your feelings, like I’m feeling neglected because you don’t bring me flowers anymore or you don’t surprise me anymore, and I know we’re busy and I know everything’s going on, but I just need you to know like I’m missing, that, like you know. And so make it more about how you’re feeling and not throwing the accusations around. Cause the accusations, just the other person gets defensive and then it starts a fight.
0:21:58 – Speaker 3
Yeah, you know the beauty of communication and nextTalk and really pursuing this passion of open communication really is important, and in a marriage in particular. Another thing I’ve learned in the 20 years that we’ve been married there is no possible chance on the face of this earth I’m gonna actually be able to understand you completely. There’s no way. And so the more open that we can be with one another and just put it on the table without being defensive as to what’s in our minds, what’s going on, what are we thinking, how are we feeling, the more we can really put that out with a real sincere, open form of communication. Without a defensive response, we’re gonna get a lot further along.
0:22:39 – Speaker 2
Well, and to say that too, you have to know what makes your spouse feel important like feel like they’re not being neglected.
And I think that piggybacks off what you just said, because the more you’re telling me what you like, the more I can make time for that Recently. One of the things that Matt loves, that he feels so paid attention to, is, you know, if he’s sitting in his chair at home and I give him a back massage, or I come by and I rub his head, or you know, when we’re laying in bed, if I just rub his arm. He loves that, and so I have been trying, and it hasn’t been every night. But I remember a couple of weeks ago, when we actually were at home in the evening, i remember you coming home from work. You had had a really stressful day and I said, go in the bedroom and lay down, and I gave you like a five minute back rub before we went and talked to the kids before anything, and I remember you thinking you said to me oh, this is so nice, thank you so much.
0:23:37 – Speaker 3
And then I failed and said, hey, this is a once a year kind of opportunity.
0:23:40 – Speaker 2
I was like shouldn’t have yeah, I mean you should just take it for what you got it.
0:23:44 – Speaker 3
Yeah, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, I know.
0:23:47 – Speaker 2
Yeah, but like figuring out, like what makes your spouse feel valued, you know, and doing more of that. This last point, i really it’s really one of the most important points that I want you to hear, and we don’t have a ton of time on it, but here’s what I want you to know Satan, he, will take this feeling of neglect that you’re feeling in your marriage and he will try and put your attention on to other things that are not healthy, whether it be like cheating, whether it be material things. He is trying to draw your attention away from your marriage, and he often does this by one of the members of the marriage feeling not feeling neglected, and so you must have your guard up with this. I would say, if you are feeling neglected, it is time to have a conversation with your spouse Very calm, no accusations, but I’m feeling this way.
0:24:41 – Speaker 3
Yeah, i mean it’s. I’ll give you a great example for how that works for us. If I’m starting to feel neglected and I can’t get Manny’s attention for some reason, i’m telling her that I’m gonna book a flight to Scottsdale, arizona, to go to a classic car auction and drop $100,000 on a classic Corvette.
0:24:59 – Speaker 2
I don’t know how you’re getting that.
0:25:00 – Speaker 3
Well, it got your attention And so that then enabled us to sit down and you, clearly, when I say, make those comments, you say we gotta talk.
0:25:10 – Speaker 2
Well, because I’m like Matt Spireling, something’s wrong, Something’s wrong. I gotta get him back on track over here.
0:25:17 – Speaker 3
Right.
0:25:18 – Speaker 2
So just being able to communicate that when it happens, i think is definitely something that can literally save your marriage.
0:25:27 – Speaker 3
Yes.
0:25:28 – Speaker 2
All right hon.
0:25:29 – Speaker 3
Thanks for being here It looks like we’re out of time.
0:25:31 – Speaker 2
Thanks, for talking about feeling neglected.
0:25:32 – Speaker 3
Yeah.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Manny and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
