0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 2
Today we’re discussing a difficult concept How do we love people when we don’t like them?
0:00:41 – Speaker 3
That just makes me laugh, because immediately a face pops in my head which is terrible. Don’t tell us who it is. Oh no, and here’s the sad part, it’s not just one face.
0:00:53 – Speaker 2
Yeah, they’re popping up everywhere like a little cartoon or something.
0:00:56 – Speaker 3
Yes, little emoji people, But I think everybody can relate to that. When we said, when you said that I feel like anyone listening had a face or name that came to mind. If we’re being real honest, right.
0:01:09 – Speaker 2
I mean yeah, don’t lie sister. You know like we’re supposed to love, but it’s hard. People get on our nerves. Sure do, And we’re human. We are human. I mean, that is the thing I mean. If you really think about it too. I mean I bet people got on Jesus’ nerves. I feel like I do.
0:01:32 – Speaker 1
I feel like Austin. He’s up there like sit like him.
0:01:36 – Speaker 3
Come on, get it together. But you know, if we’re thinking about this topic, which isn’t easy, i feel like it’s easier when we’re talking about, like acquaintances, coworkers, like it’s easier to talk about those things. But what about the people living under your own roof?
0:01:51 – Speaker 2
Or, like you, somebody after you. What are you trying to say?
0:01:54 – Speaker 3
You just had to go right there. Yeah, my name and my face popped in your nose. No, i’m joking, but you’re right.
0:02:02 – Speaker 2
Like those people are spouses, our kids, our mother-in-law, our moms, our dads. You know our best friends, our coworkers, our co-radios. You know people that we’re with a lot What happens when they just get under your skin.
0:02:13 – Speaker 3
Yes, I you know, we’ve all felt it.
0:02:15 – Speaker 2
Maybe you’re feeling it in the smoke.
0:02:21 – Speaker 3
I feel like we can categorize this into main ways Okay, short-term relationships and long-term relationships, because how often have you looked at your spouse or your kid and thought I just don’t like you, like I’ve thought that of my kids. I’m going to be honest. When’s the last time Like right before?
0:02:35 – Speaker 2
we got here.
0:02:36 – Speaker 3
I’m not going to say when, but it happens on occasion And, honestly, it usually has to do with me. Yeah, not them so much, or something they’ve done and it’s not going to be a good thing They’ve done, and it’s not so much them as the action, but it happens. I’ve thought that about my spouse, about my husband, but it’s usually a temporary feeling or a seasonal feeling, and we’re going to get into that a little bit later, like what that means and how to do that. But that’s not always the case And this is, in a long-term relationship, something that you’re not walking away from. So that’s a bigger issue. If it’s a spouse or a kid and it’s not just a momentary feeling but a long-term issue, it’s a big deal.
0:03:14 – Speaker 2
Well, and then you got all kinds of triggers, because I’m just thinking about Matt. you know, poor Matt, he gets a little bit of my brunt, And so he calls you devil woman. He seriously does stuff. I love it Normally in joking, but every now and then when he will be like devil woman seriously you got to take it down, take it down.
But he’s my safe place, yeah, and so I think too, we let our guard down with people, you know, in those long-term relationships that we feel safe with and that we allow sometimes Satan to let those people get on our nerves a little bit more.
0:03:50 – Speaker 3
You know, like we for granted, we do. Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to say Just let those emotions run wild, absolutely. Could you reign it in? sister Devil woman, you’re taking me for granted. So those are the long-term relationships we want to talk about. How do you love those people when you don’t like them? And then those shorter-term ones, like your coworkers, your acquaintances and the Bible study ladies, you know what I mean.
0:04:11 – Speaker 1
The Bible study, ladies, yes.
0:04:13 – Speaker 3
Like sometimes and that’s hard because you’re all there talking about Jesus, but you’re like sister, like I need to move away from you. You’ve had those moments right.
0:04:23 – Speaker 2
It’s not just me, no, i’ve had those moments. Typically they’re like man that sounded judgmental. Do I ever sound like that? Like I literally go there all the time And then I feel bad because I’m judging them.
0:04:33 – Speaker 3
You know it’s like this whole cycle And then you find yourself as avoiding them, or you want to like retreat and get out of the situation.
0:04:40 – Speaker 2
You don’t show up.
0:04:40 – Speaker 3
The next time You don’t show up, you make excuses, yeah, and I think, well, man, if Jesus did that, we’d be in big trouble, like you know.
0:04:48 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think about, like, when you say short-term, like I’m literally thinking about the driver on the way here, that would not literally merge out of the lane Right, and I’m like literally talking to him. I’m not doing any profanity or anything, but I’m like, dude, i need you to get over.
0:05:03 – Speaker 3
Like you’re getting ready to cut me off.
0:05:04 – Speaker 2
You’re having a whole conversation there I was one sided conversation And you know, i didn’t like him in that moment. I don’t even know who he was, but we’re still called to love him, like, we’re still called to be nice and be kind and be gracious. Yeah, and man, that’s hard, well, and it’s because your emotions, your feelings, i mean I’m like dude, i want to call the number on the back of your truck and report you to your company.
0:05:27 – Speaker 3
I want to leave a message. Yeah, yes, i had a bad, and it’s kind of a taboo topic because as Christians, we’re supposed to be nice, they’re supposed to be kind, and not liking someone, especially family members, doesn’t sound kind, and I will tell you, there’s a family member in my life that I said one time. I don’t really care for that person.
She’s like you can’t say that like she got all over me. She’s like you are Christian. You cannot say that, so it can be a taboo subject, and sometimes we just don’t want to talk about how to do it. Well, yeah, so that’s why we wanted to tackle it today.
One of the things that has made such a huge impact on me Was I had this realization a few years ago that love comes from an eternal perspective. Liking is just an earthly gift. Liking someone is something we get to do here while we’re living on this earth among people. It’s such a joy and a gift from the Lord to like and enjoy the company of someone else. God never promised you’re gonna like. Everybody doesn’t say anything about that in the Bible. But love is having an eternal Perspective on the person that you’re in relationship with, communication with or having an interaction with. What do I need to do in this moment to love them towards heaven? And so it’s two totally different feelings, and so separating that out has helped me so much over the years when there’s someone that I just don’t care for.
0:06:50 – Speaker 2
Yeah well, and I think sometimes the world will tell us I’ve been noticing this a lot lately if you don’t like someone, the world literally tells you to like Get them out of your life abandon them like and and I’m not saying that we shouldn’t there are some people that we definitely need boundaries with. We need healthy boundaries and we need to be like.
This is not healthy for me. This is not a healthy relationship. You know, of course you have to walk away from that. But I sometimes think we take that worldly perspective just to get out of tough conversations. Oh, it’s kind of like, well, if you’re not gonna agree with me, i’m done like in, i’m cutting you off, i’m walking away from this. I think we need to be careful with this Mm-hmm, because it’s okay to have friction in relationships and not like the person, even with whether it’s short term or long term, i mean, but we’re really called to love people deeply. There’s so many scriptures that say that. Tell us how we’re supposed to love people.
0:07:44 – Speaker 3
There’s two that come to mind whenever I’m wrestling with this, which, in all transparency, is daily Every minute, every minute of my life.
0:07:54 – Speaker 2
I’m bad about the drivers like I’m bad. Like somebody cuts me off. I’m like dude, are we? I’ve got two kids in the car. Are you really gonna do like? I’ll just start?
0:08:03 – Speaker 3
talking to him. I’m gonna take you to task on this, because the car thing is not my struggle. Let me tell you why. This is a recent thing, because I was in the back of an ambulance and I remember thinking like We never know what’s going on in someone’s car. They could be rushing to the hospital. I was thinking of my friends and family rushing to the hospital see me and they probably weren’t driving very well, and so now it’s so judgmental of me.
0:08:27 – Speaker 2
I say to my husband and my kids perspective, i do.
0:08:30 – Speaker 3
I say all the time I’m like they could be rushing to the hospital and my husband’s a kid not everybody’s watching to the hospital.
0:08:36 – Speaker 2
But, you know what’s so funny about this point that you’re making. It’s such a good point because with my kids, when they come home and somebody’s being mean to them or somebody’s being sassy or Making fun of them or whatever.
I will literally always say to them honey, you never know what’s going on in that child’s home, and so they could be going through a lot and they’re just taking it out on you. But I’m sorry, let’s talk about that, let’s talk about how it makes you feel, let’s pray about it. But so I do that with my kids, but it’s another thing when I have to apply it to my own life.
0:09:03 – Speaker 3
Oh, it’s always because your emotions take over and you’re like that just rubs me the wrong way, dude.
0:09:09 – Speaker 2
Yes and so it’s again.
0:09:11 – Speaker 3
It’s that thinking logically, instead of just that reactionary an anger and not liking someone’s, a real guttural Emotional response. It just happens. Yes, it doesn’t usually. It does build up sometimes, but sometimes it’s just instant. So that’s a real hard one. But those Bible verses that when I’m wrestling with this, sorry, wait, did you say it was first?
0:09:29 – Speaker 2
I didn’t. I didn’t say we got sidetracked?
0:09:31 – Speaker 3
We did. We were talking about rushing to the hospital. But first, peter 4a above all, now, listen. Above All, not like. Maybe if you have time, when you feel like it, you know when you’re done Being nice and if you have energy left. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. And, john 1512, my command, is this Love each other as I have loved you.
0:09:57 – Speaker 2
Oh, that’s a big command, that’s huge, literally, coming from someone who died for us. We are to love other and we didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve it.
0:10:06 – Speaker 3
He did nothing. I am often an idiot, like I’m seriously, like I do ridiculous things, i mess up and he still loves me and died for me, and that’s how I’m supposed to treat other people.
0:10:18 – Speaker 2
So when you get cut off in traffic, you may not like it, it may not it’s okay to be like, that’s not okay. And we have a, i have a driver. So let me talk about that for a minute, because I’m back on the road, get back on the road. So you know my 15 year old she’s in driver’s head, yeah and so we talk about everything in the car like if somebody’s not using their car signal on the way here she pointed out, like six cars that were breaking the law and she’s like the traffic police in my car right now, and so when I do something wrong, it’s the same thing.
But we’re having all these conversations and I can just tie this right into it. Now I can bring this in. Hey, we don’t like this person right now, sister, but God calls us above all else to live. That means we’re not going to honk the horn or do a hand gesture or cut them off either that’s what, and see, that’s what.
0:11:07 – Speaker 3
I think where we get mixed up is loving people like Jesus does not mean we have to like them. I don’t have to like you to be thoughtful and kind and respectful and patient and give you benefit of the doubt and that kind of released me like, oh, like I can love you like Jesus and I do not have to hang out and call you my buddy you know what, though, i think it’s a little bit more difficult when you plug it into the long-term relationships, you know, because, like the driver, yeah it, it irritates me and I had to get over it.
0:11:38 – Speaker 2
But like when it’s your husband, yeah, and they continually do the same thing every night. That’s bugging you yeah, you know because it’s like constant and then you talk to them about it. You’re like dude. This bugs me, can we break this habit and then they’re like good for three days and then they go back to it.
Yeah back to it and they go back and you’re like oh, it just maddens you, it makes you crazy again. The emotions take over and we forget about the whole, like digging deep, thinking, logically, loving as Jesus did my mom, my mama.
0:12:11 – Speaker 3
See, i’m turning to you with this twang sweet mama sweet mama you said you’re turning into me.
0:12:18 – Speaker 2
That is you. You are the twang. Okay, i’m the twang in the clapper, but I’m the singer. You’re the rapper, that ringer and the rapper. Oh my gosh, we’re getting off track.
0:12:27 – Speaker 3
So, my, my mama used to say to me, especially like when I was a tween and teen going through all those difficult years of emotions she’d say she’d look at me with her with her finger and she’d say I love you so much but right now I really do not like you. She used to say that, probably more than she’d like to admit, but it really stuck with me like my entire life. It made me realize that someone who I know without a doubt would lay down her life for me and do anything for me, loved me but didn’t always like what I was doing and that stuck with me and made me realize that was okay.
She was being like Paul, because Paul gave us an example of what it meant to love. Paul tells us that loving is like a god-be loving patient, kind.
It’s not envious or boastful, boastful, arrogant or rude. It doesn’t insist on its own way, it’s not irritable or resentful. That’s loving people, which really just means being nice, and that was what my mom was saying. Like I don’t have to like what you’re doing, i don’t even have to like you right now, but I will love you deeply, as Jesus did and as Paul described for me, and that stuck with me and that has helped me over the years to love, like my husband and my kids when they’re being difficult repeatedly. It is not easy, but it helps.
0:13:37 – Speaker 2
I mean that’s so interesting because I don’t think I’ve ever had anybody say that to me. Really no, and I struggle with this greatly. I do so I. It’s just funny. It’s how we grow up and how certain things stick with us. I don’t think I’ve ever heard had. Anyway, i’ve never said that to my kids, i’ve never said that to my husband. It’s just not a phrase we use in our home oh, i’ve said that to keep my kids.
0:13:58 – Speaker 3
Many times they probably be like, oh yeah. And my mom used to hit me over the head with a sock when she said, kim, she’s gonna die. I should have asked her if I could told that one. But yes, she’d boot me on the head with the sock. I’d love her even more now she’s not gonna get mad at you yes
0:14:14 – Speaker 2
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0:14:43 – Speaker 1
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0:15:09 – Speaker 2
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0:15:15 – Speaker 3
So we’re talking about loving people even when you don’t like them, and that we have to separate the two words love and like. Like is an earthly blessing. You know, people we get to share life with, like I, like Mandy, i like my husband, those are. that’s not a promise from the Lord, but it’s a blessing on earth that we get to enjoy the company of others. But loving is a commandment, most importantly, above all else, that God calls us to do. And so, yes, we need to love people. We don’t necessarily need to hang out with them. So, on a practical level, this is such a great thing to teach our kids, because there’s going to be times when they don’t like people, and we can teach them how to love them despite.
0:15:52 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think about being patient and loving my family when they get on my nerves, and I think about Ephesians 4-2. That’s the Bible verse from me that comes to mind. It says be completely humble and gentle. No crazy, mama, be patient. It says bearing with one another in love. I don’t know about you, but like when I start talking about loving people when I don’t like them, the word that pops in my mind is patience, and I struggle with it, i think we all do.
It’s a struggle, it’s hard, and so this verse is just one that I, like, continually, will say to myself. Like be patient with them. I always tell myself they’re still learning, i’m still learning.
0:16:33 – Speaker 3
We’re all still learning here.
0:16:35 – Speaker 2
Yes, But it’s true, i mean, this is a very important lesson, i think.
0:16:40 – Speaker 3
So, speaking about that kind of moving into this long term short term relationships and loving people like you know, at the office or just on the road, or your husband or your kids, i think kind of setting up for your kids and for yourself boundaries helps us to love those people that we don’t like. You know, I mentioned before my kids are old enough now that they’ve met a few kids that they don’t really like to hang out with but that are in circles that we frequently are a part of And it’s so hard.
0:17:07 – Speaker 2
This is. We did a whole show on this Friends and Conflict Resolutions, i think it was called. This is really difficult because you want to respect what your kids are saying And sometimes there’s something going on and they don’t know how to really communicate it to you. But at the heart of it, maybe it’s their friends aren’t making the best decisions anymore and they want to. They’re trying to separate, but they don’t really know how to communicate that to you And all you’re hearing is I don’t want to hang out with them, and so you have to be as a parent. You have to be really in tune with this, because something big could be going on but they don’t know how to communicate, or it could be something minor too, yeah, or your kids could be too sensitive. I mean, it’s a lot of things, but you have to really use your. You know, pray about it, talk, think, listen to the Holy Spirit on this. Like you really need to be in tune with it.
0:17:54 – Speaker 3
Well, and as with everything we say, it’s a lot of conversation, you know, it’s a lot of sitting down and and I’m just gonna be real frank here There are people. You know, there’s my son, there’s someone that he doesn’t really care to hang out with, he just doesn’t like their personality type, and I wanted to be like, well, no, you, you know he needs a friend, you know, like force him a little bit to hang out. But then I thought, you know, i wouldn’t want to hang out with someone that I didn’t enjoy their company. And so finding that balance and lots of conversation about what that looks like, and again, setting those boundaries, like look you, i’m not gonna force you to hang out with this person, i get it, but how can we love them from a distance? They’re not in our inner circle, it’s not, you know, mom and dad and brother and sister, So it’s a little bit different. So let’s find ways to love them, like Paul talked about, being respectful, kind, patient, without having to spend all your free time with them.
0:18:44 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think each situation is gonna be so very different. That’s gonna be so different. Here’s a situation where, as your kids get older So I’m thinking about my older daughter now Yes. Um. This is where technology is awesome.
Yeah because they actually spend a lot of time with people online, like whether DMing or FaceTiming or whatever, and it’s almost kind of like they weed it out and they realize, okay, this may not be an inner circle friend or this may be somebody I need to put up boundaries with because they’re posting this. Yes, this is where technology is actually awesome. That’s such a good point. It really is where, when we were growing up, it was, you would have to have a play day. Yeah, you would have to spend time.
0:19:22 – Speaker 3
You would really have to invest you can in a relationship, be kind to someone Yes, online And not be in the same room right and have that kind of a friendship right. That’s a good point.
0:19:32 – Speaker 2
So it’s, you know, being able to like, when I know your kids aren’t on social media yet, but when they are, you’re gonna find that this is really helpful. I mean my daughter, she knows literally by what people post if they’re, if there are possible Friend that she wants to really invest face-to-face time with or not, and so it kind of helps.
0:19:51 – Speaker 3
It does help. And so setting up those boundaries with those people that you know You don’t necessarily want to spend a lot of time with, how can we love them? Those are kind of outside a little bit, so you don’t have to spend as much time on that, but really you have that inner circle of friends. That’s where I think the Holy Spirit and praying and being patient, like we talked about, because these are usually long-term relationships Family, that’s a hard one.
0:20:13 – Speaker 2
Well, yeah, distant family, you know when you gotta go visit. And I think too, you know we want to say each situation is so different. Yeah, sometimes it’s healthy to say to your kids you know, if you know there’s not anything Secretly or weird going on, it’s healthy to say, hey, you may not like their personality, you know, but but we got to deal with all kinds of people on life. Yes, so we’re gonna go have dinner with this family tonight. Yes, and we’re. You know you don’t have to invite them to come spend the night, but we’re not hanging out with them all the time?
Yes, yeah so each situation is different and you just have to be careful with this, i guess. I guess my caution is just don’t write people off because you don’t like them, because maybe God is wanting you to speak into their life. Yep, and it could be through social media, you know, maybe it’s I’m not gonna unfriend them on social media and I’m gonna speak into their life that way, but I’m not gonna spend one on one time, you know, it’s just each situation is so different.
0:21:05 – Speaker 3
Those are those boundaries, and I’m so glad you said that, because that transitions us into our next point, which dislike is often a temporary emotion. Beware of burning bridges and make sure you’re giving people the benefit of the doubt.
0:21:17 – Speaker 2
Oh, the benefit of the doubt.
0:21:18 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I think we really need to talk about this.
0:21:21 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah because I Will tell you so many times with my kids and social media, like I will see my teenager on the phone and I will be like I need you to get off the phone right now. Like I’ll have that tone, you know the look, and she’ll look at me and she’ll be like okay, i’m not being sassy, i just want you to see my phone. And she’ll turn it over and like she’s literally doing her Bible study, like she’s literally reading her Bible verse. Same thing with my husband. Yes, like I get mad at him for being on his phone. And then one day I was like I need you to put the phone. I like I exploded, yeah, you know. Like all the emotions came out.
Oh yes, and God was like secretly saying to me like Hello Mandy, the people you love the most. You’re not even giving them the benefit of the doubt. Here It’s usually where we didn’t even ask. Yeah, and so I think this is a big, big talking point.
0:22:12 – Speaker 3
Well, i’ll be honest. I mean I have. This is something my husband and I have talked through for years and years and years, because it has made Such a huge difference. And when we don’t do it, it really messes things up, because there are times when I literally look at him And I’m like you are an alien from another planet and I don’t understand your type And I don’t understand you and I don’t like you. Right now, like I have had those thoughts and no yes.
I know I know more than one, more, maybe twice. Yeah, the thing is he feels the same way about me. You know, it’s true that sense of dislike over an action or a decision or just in a moment. And the thing is I could react on that in the moment I Just like with the phone thing, if I explode or do whatever and I burn down walls or put up walls or create a situation where I’ve hurt someone and done damage, especially my husband. That takes so much energy and effort to rebuild and reconnect us, where if I just gave him the benefit of the doubt And waited a minute for that emotion to pass and really think about what’s going on here, it’s just so much better. It doesn’t require me having to rebuild something that I’ve burnt down in our relationship, and usually it’s not that big of a deal, it was just a momentary, passing feeling about something that we just needed to talk through some more.
0:23:33 – Speaker 2
I don’t know who said this, but you know the analogy that once toothpaste is squeezed out, you can’t get it back in. It’s the same thing. You say all these words, all these horrible things, you have a blow up.
0:23:43 – Speaker 3
Like you, vomit on someone. Yes, yes.
0:23:46 – Speaker 2
And then you can’t get that back. The relationship is not, it’s hurt, the relationship is hurt. And so, again, it’s that benefit of the doubt, talking it through, staying calm, like we always say you have to stay calm. You have to stay calm and default to love.
0:24:03 – Speaker 3
And going back to you know our definition of love and what we’ve been talking about being kind and patient and all those things. Really, love is choosing not to act on my feelings of dislike.
0:24:13 – Speaker 2
That’s going to preach right there, right.
0:24:15 – Speaker 3
It’s a choice that we get to make And so taking a minute giving our loved ones and even those that are not our loved ones, people just passing by in life giving them the benefit of the doubt, because we’ve all had bad days, we’ve all been tired, we’ve all had those moments where we’ve acted or said things that are not true to our character. And if someone didn’t give us the benefit of the doubt, they’re probably walking around saying that is not a nice person, i don’t like them. Yeah.
0:24:40 – Speaker 2
So I’m feeling kind of good because the roadway incident on the way here like I didn’t call the company You did. Well, i loved him, you sure did. I chose not to act on my feelings of dislike, just like you said Well done, girl. And I was like that’s wrong and I talked to him a little bit by myself. You had a conversation, but I didn’t go into crazy mode A plus. Yeah. Yeah, i’m getting better. You are, i’m proud of you. To process Devil, one is still learning Still learning, Still learning.
0:25:07 – Speaker 3
So you know, the bottom line I would say is yes. The answer is yes. We can love people that we don’t like. How do we do that? One love comes from an eternal perspective. Think about loving people to Jesus. Liking is an earthly gift. Two boundaries help us love those that we don’t like, And three dislike is often a temporary emotion. Beware of burning bridges and give people the benefit of the doubt.
0:25:33 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, The Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page