0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 2
Today we’re doing a show called Knowing your Kid. It’s important. It is important.
0:00:40 – Speaker 3
Because they’re all different. They’re all different and I feel like we could go a lot of different directions with this, but today we really want to focus on three main concepts to hone in how you get to know your kid, what that might look like and why it’s important.
0:00:55 – Speaker 2
Yeah, first of all, you got to recognize each child is unique. I mean, they’ve got their own set of DNA. They’re one of a kind. That’s how God created them, and so they’re going to learn differently. They’re going to stress out about things differently. You know they’re going to have all different strengths and weaknesses and we got to figure that out. Sounds like a big task.
0:01:11 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I really think that’s what’s called parenting. It’s like the trick God and friends don’t tell you. You have these kids and the first one you’re like, oh, I got this, like I understand how to discipline and parent and know they’re stressors. And then you have another one and you’re like what?
0:01:26 – Speaker 2
They’re being raised by the same people, right.
0:01:28 – Speaker 3
I mean, that’s how I feel in my household.
0:01:32 – Speaker 2
My kids are really in a lot of things. They’re opposite and I’m looking at them saying I’m not doing anything differently. In fact, I’ve gotten a little bit better at this parenting thing. I think I’m learning a little bit, but it still is like crazy.
0:01:45 – Speaker 3
They’re all so different, it keeps you on your toes. And then that’s the other thing. Not only are they different, which you all know, if you have more than one kid, it changes over time. So you just have to always constantly be recognizing who your children are and why God made them that way.
0:02:01 – Speaker 2
Well, I mean, I’m just thinking of an example that happened in our home recently. You know, one of my kids is sensitive and this kid beats themselves up a lot about grades and all the things. And the other kid I have to kind of stay on right. But this sensitive child, like if I stay on this one, like I do the other one, they would be in tears every day Because they’re already beating themselves up way more than I could ever even get mad at them their own taskmaster.
Yes, and so we got to know that about our kids. You know. So for this one kid, when they come in the car and they’re like, oh, I got a bee, I’m so frustrated, I’m like, oh well, did you try your best? Oh well. The other one, though, you know I’m pushing a little bit harder because their procrastination is there. And so you know, you got to know. You know if your kid is a little lazy and they’re, you know, not procrastinating. I think we all have that a little bit in us. But if they struggle with that, you’re going to have to be more on them a little bit. You’re going to have to have more rules, more guidelines, a little bit more discipline. Maybe even you know in about setting up boundaries, like put your phone down, you can’t be on Instagram and doing homework. That’s distracting kind of thing. But if you have a sensitive kid, it’s more about parenting with grace and love, I think, a lot Like don’t beat yourself up. And you got to know that.
0:03:21 – Speaker 3
You do, and it’s hard to. A lot of times we mess up in discovering that, and so I think it’s just a process of observation and all these different things and finding out who they are through the mistakes that we see and through the patterns that we see and all those things.
0:03:37 – Speaker 2
And once you do that then your combos are going to shift and conversations are going to shift with those kids, Because once you realize what they struggle with then you can hone in on that. You know. So for my sensitive child it’s more. We’re all still learning. You got to learn to forgive yourself. You know it’s those kinds of things and my other kid it’s more about. You got to learn how to prioritize your time and you got to. You know. So the conversations will shift when we know. But we really got to dig in there and know our kid first.
0:04:06 – Speaker 3
Absolutely. By the way, I have the same thing, same kids, one and two, and then I have one that I have to hone in gently to focus, because that child would like to float on the clouds and dream about things and is very artistic.
0:04:24 – Speaker 2
Big picture, too Big picture. Hey, I think she could suffer, mama, I think so. Whatever kid you’re talking about? I don’t know what kid you’re talking about?
0:04:34 – Speaker 3
The kid gets it for mama, yes, it’s so true, and I love that about her. But I will have to say 20 times like hello. I love that about you too. Come back to reality. I love that about you too, Thank you.
0:04:48 – Speaker 2
I remember when we first started on this. When we first started on this journey, you would be like one day we’re gonna be flying here and one day, and I’m like Kim, I don’t even like to fly.
0:04:57 – Speaker 3
I’m not gonna fly anywhere. Come back to reality, lady. And now we’re flying everywhere.
0:05:00 – Speaker 2
Yes, I think I told you just the other day I was like Kim, the things you told me about the big picture things. They’re coming true.
0:05:07 – Speaker 3
This is back in church when there was like a few of us, it’s true, but then I have to recognize that about her, not to kill that spirit. And it’s good and to enjoy that about her, but also be like so sister. How are we gonna get there?
0:05:21 – Speaker 1
How are we gonna get?
0:05:22 – Speaker 3
there. Let’s get the details, let’s come back, put down the scissors and the glue, let’s get back to the math work. So, yeah, it’s, all of your kids will be different, and finding out what makes them beautiful and unique is important.
0:05:35 – Speaker 2
You know, one of the things that I love is the first thing that I think we need to tackle here and we need to recognize our kids are all different and the conversations are gonna change, but one thing remains the same that’s God’s word, his truth, his foundation, the rock that he provides for us. And number one at the point we’re gonna cover is you must get your kid to open up to you, because this is the first step in getting to know your kid better, and the reason I share that God’s word never, never is never changes. Thank you very much. I couldn’t get that out Is. This comes from Deuteronomy 6, 6 and 7.
And it literally is a foundation of our ministry here. You know it says teach your kids these commands. I’m giving you Talk when you’re on the go, when you’re getting up, when you’re at home and when you’re going to bed Four key times to talk. So it’s literally like painting a picture for us of getting to know our kid. We gotta crawl in bed with them at night, you know we got. When we’re at home, well, let’s go shoot basketball hoops and let’s talk about life. You know it’s getting to know them so that we can then shift our conversations for their needs.
0:06:49 – Speaker 3
You know one thing that lately God’s been showing me there are some things in the Bible that are like a good idea, and then there are commandments, and this is a commandment, and so if we are listening and learning and wanting to do better as parents, this is one of those things that is really like do it and you will see the fruit of it. And we have seen that, like you said, as a foundation of nextTalk, and we’ve seen that not only in our own families, but in families we’ve shared this with around the world. It works.
0:07:17 – Speaker 2
I mean do it. I was getting texts last night from a book 1600 miles away, yes Saying. Oh my gosh, this works.
0:07:24 – Speaker 3
You know, I get on my soapbox and I say it and it comes out in a twang for some reason. I think you’re rubbing off on me, but I say it, do it, do it. Y’all, it will make a difference.
And so, like with my kiddos, it changes, you know. But yes, the crawling into bed works with one of my kids, my other one. He likes to write. He likes to write back and forth and tell me what’s going on and who he is and what he thinks about and all of those things. And then I just figured out with my other one, my little one. We had to rush out the door and we were all in a hurry, and so to save time, I said you and I are gonna take a shower together, get in a shower. And so I said you and I are gonna take a shower. And she was just like talking a million miles per minute about all the things. And now this is like our thing. Every day we shower together, me and my little one, and this is where she opens up and talks about everything and where I’m learning so much more about who she is, what bothers her, what excites her, what she’s good at, because that is a safe place for her, where we have learned to talk.
0:08:24 – Speaker 2
When the little ones are little and you can bathe with them or whatever it is yeah, it’s still OK, it’s still OK. Yeah, it’s not weird. That was amazing. But now my kids are older.
0:08:35 – Speaker 3
And that’s weird.
0:08:35 – Speaker 2
And so now it’s the late night talking.
0:08:38 – Speaker 3
Yes, and they want to stay up.
0:08:40 – Speaker 2
We had somebody on our team one time that said you know, a teenager who wants to talk in the middle of the night is just as important as like a baby wanting to be fed, and I thought that was brilliant. She was mom of teenagers at the time and I just remember it all the time and it’s always the least night that I’m so exhausted, of course, but I push through because I know it’s important. You know, those teenagers open up at night. I love this concept of talking on the go and knowing your kid and figuring out. Let me caution you here. I get asked a lot. You know where’s my script? Let me tell you a script.
In talking about sex or sexuality or pornography or whatever, listen to me, those scripts you’re not going to get to know your kid. This is why we got to follow God’s word and it says talk on the go. And we got to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide these conversations Because as we’re talking to them about these big subjects, our kid’s personality will come out. And I just want to be very cautious here. Don’t just assume your kid is a certain way because they’re outgoing or they’re an introvert.
Yes, my kids are total opposite on what most people would think. Yes, once I’ve gotten down to the inside layers of my kids and it even took me a long time to figure out Because I think oftentimes we get into this habit of presenting one thing to the world but we’re very different inside and our kids have picked that up, and so you have to be careful. You can’t, just because you have an outgoing kid that doesn’t express emotion, you can’t write that kid off and think, well, they don’t struggle with anything, they’re good. Do not fall into that trap. I speak from experience, y’all Both of us are most extrovert.
0:10:34 – Speaker 3
Kid yes, that tends to lead the pack. Is the entertainer all the things. That’s our most sensitive kid yes, both of us.
0:10:41 – Speaker 2
You need to get in there and have these conversations. So that’s why following God’s Word Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7 is so very important. It helps you get to know your kid. Ok, let’s move on.
0:10:54 – Speaker 3
Let’s move on, that’s the second point.
The second point discover their strengths and struggles and help them see themselves for who they are. So one thing I want to say here that kind of goes back to the first point and works for the second point too, is you need to be listening more than you’re talking. So important, because we say, talk here and you’re thinking, go into lecture mode and tell them all the things, because that’s what we do A lot of times, as parents shut the trap. That’s what I say. Maybe present something, offer a story, a comment and then just shut it down. You need to be listening and this is information gathering.
Same thing for this number two with discovering their strength and struggles Is they’re opening up to you and you’re getting them to talk. Be listening. What is it that they’re saying that you hear over and over, that they’re struggling with or they’re feeling concerned about, or things that they’re presenting, that you notice a pattern? Wow, they’re really doing good in this area. I need to really encourage this. This is a strength for them. They may not even realize and that requires you gathering information, which requires listening.
0:11:56 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you’ve got to follow along and watch, like you said, for patterns.
0:12:02 – Speaker 3
One of the things I know I’ve noticed lately with my kids is if I just throw out an idea that really helps me to gather information about them. On something specific, like the other day my son was talking about this story on a game that he’s playing, and he did something really cool and I was like you know what? That seems to come really easy to you, do you feel that way? And we had this great conversation and then he was able to identify different areas of his life where things come easy for him that are blessings for others and I was able to encourage him in that way. Hey, god made you that way, you do that naturally and most people struggle with that. So that’s a way that you can speak into people and encourage people. And he just lit up because he didn’t see that about himself. But that required me listening and taking inventory and noticing the pattern.
0:12:51 – Speaker 2
Well, and also when you’re seeing your kid’s struggle with something and you see them pushing through that struggle and getting out of the boat, man, that’s a lot of good conversations right there, Because you can say, hey, this doesn’t come naturally for you, maybe it is socializing, Maybe your kid is just an introvert and they always go into the fear of I don’t have anybody or that introverted state like by myself kind of thing. But you see them pushing through that and like going out and being social and like inviting new people into their circle or something.
You know that right, there is gold in conversation, Because then you can encourage them. You’re not pointing out their weakness, but you’re saying, hey, you recognize that this is something you struggle with and you’re pushing through it with courage and bravery and you’re getting out of the boat and I’m so proud of you. I mean, those kinds of conversations are just find them, try to find those and capitalize on it.
0:13:52 – Speaker 3
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0:14:18 – Speaker 1
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0:14:44 – Speaker 2
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0:14:50 – Speaker 3
Today we’re talking about knowing your kid and why it’s so important. How we get there, how do we get to know our kids, because they’re all so different. How do we find that information and why do we want to do that we talked about first. Our first tip was really getting to know your kid better by getting them to open up to you, and that’s going to come in different ways.
0:15:10 – Speaker 2
Different ways, different seasons, different times, and it will change. Once you figure the system out with your kids, it’s going to change.
0:15:17 – Speaker 3
Remember when your kids were babies and you finally got the sleep thing down or the kind of food they liked, and then it changed on you. It’s the same their whole life.
0:15:25 – Speaker 2
Just get used to it and let me just add this we didn’t talk about this on section 1. Pray for the time. Pray for God to reveal the time to you when your kid likes to talk. I know I did that One year. I was just focused on that because I couldn’t find the right rhythm and I kept praying and praying and God just opened up this window in the car when I was alone with each kid. And it was like oh my gosh.
God, it is in my prayers and they were really ready to talk at that point. You know their time frame had changed. When they were little we would schedule it on the calendar for evening, like put it on the calendar, have coffee later in the day, and that was our crawl in bed time. That changes as they get older because they stay up way later. So we covered that in section 1. And then right before the break we were talking about strengths and struggles, like finding them and helping identify them, and I loved what Kim said. She was like observe them, figure out what they’re good at. And then we also talked about just when you see them have a struggle and they’re pushing through that struggle, to really capitalize on that conversation with them, on how proud you are of them, that they’re pushing through and trying to have bravery to get over that struggle.
0:16:43 – Speaker 3
A teacher recently was telling me it’s so important for parents to celebrate their kids, and I think this is a good point of that. She was talking about milestones, as they’re not birthdays, not grades, but when they overcome like social stress.
0:17:00 – Speaker 2
And not just stuff. They’re naturally good at Right Because it’s easy to celebrate If your kid is throwing 800 touchdowns every game it’s easy to celebrate that? Yes, exactly Celebrating the C that he got.
0:17:11 – Speaker 3
But he had an F and you know he persevered through that and that is exactly what she was talking about. She’s like I need you to celebrate all the little things. That’s way more important and I loved that and it was a good reminder for me. And you know, looking at your kids and having some ways to figure out what they struggle with, I think it’s just again that observation or planting seeds of conversation.
I know with one of my kids I have recently started just making the space and hoping that he’ll be attracted to that and it worked because I was struggling, his talk time was changing and so in the evening when everybody else was kind of watching a show or doing something, I would go.
I go and lay down in my bed, which is like the coziest bed in the house Just happens to be because I bought, spent more on bedding and everybody likes it and I just went in there by myself and I just casually say like I’m just going to go lay down and hang out, and he every time follows me in there and starts talking and I realized through our conversation that he really gets scared about everyday things. He has a little bit more anxiety than my other kids and I noticed that through not talking but just listening and I was able to talk to him about that and we got a whole bunch of verses that now we talk about in the evening about why we don’t need to be afraid. God is our rock and our provider, and it’s just been a way for me to speak into that fear with him and help him overcome it and pray through it. And knowing that about him too, I’m more sensitive when things happen that maybe I don’t wanna say that you know like, oh, there was a school shooting.
0:18:48 – Speaker 2
I was just getting ready to say once you know that your kids have a little bit of anxiety and fear. It’s not that you’re not telling them things or not communicating. You frame it different, you frame it different and you’re more sensitive to it, because you know this kid could literally sit in class and be scared about this all day long.
0:19:04 – Speaker 3
That’s exactly what would happen. So learning to reframe things as a parent based on who my kids are, I think, is just key.
0:19:11 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and the other thing like key questions that you can be thinking in your head. You know, are they good at making friends? Are they good at communicating their feelings? Do they have trouble with that? And listen to me again, I’m gonna caution you. The kid that thinks that you think is fine, you gotta make sure, because they could be putting up a front and making jokes and making everybody laugh and you think they’re good, but deep down inside they’re having trouble communicating their feelings.
Absolutely. We touched on this. Are you anxious and do they worry a lot Cause we’re gonna have to reframe some things? Are they people pleasers?
0:19:47 – Speaker 3
That’s a big one, it’s so big.
0:19:49 – Speaker 2
Cause, then they’re gonna be sucked into the bandwagon mentality. We did a show on that. You can go check that out. You really need to be careful about that. And you know, do they really get upset when people are mad at them or disagree with them? All of those things are gonna change the conversations that you have with your kid.
0:20:07 – Speaker 3
Something that was eye-opening. A last point on this what for me recently is one of my kiddos was really stressed about school and I go to it’s grades, it’s the assignments, you know whatever the obvious. Like you were saying, I go to the obvious things, but in that moment, instead of saying, well, let’s you know, study more or you know all the things that I’m trying to fix in that moment, cause we’re fixers, we’re fixers I stopped and I said what is it that is stressing you out the most? And he said not all the things that I thought he was gonna say. He said I get distracted easily and I was like, oh, and he’s like I feel like I just need a different space to do my work. Problem solved. Problem solved Like we moved him and it just took a question.
0:20:57 – Speaker 2
Yes, because I was about to launch into it.
0:20:59 – Speaker 3
You know I’m gonna fix this for you child, and so learning about your child sometimes is just as easy as stepping back and just asking a simple question to clarify what the problem is.
0:21:09 – Speaker 2
Well, and I love that, because we’re moving into section three now you gotta know what is stressing your kid out and you know with your kid they were able to easily communicate it. Oftentimes that’s not the case, that’s right. You know, oftentimes your kid is gaming and you tell him to turn it off and they throw the remote across the room and you’re like what in the world? And maybe it’s the game stressing it out. But what I’ve found out most often is they wanted a stress reliever through the game and they didn’t get it. And when I asked them to turn it off, it’s like back to reality. I have to deal with the thing that was stressing me out.
I’ve learned that through a lot of conversation with my kids, right, and so I discovered one recently, something about one of my kids, and it really has helped because this child gets stressed out. Okay, this child is not a procrastinator. So they are the kind of people that like to check off the to-do list. This child gets it from me a lot. I like to check off the to-do list right.
I like to move the emails over that have been completed into my filing system that I have.
0:22:22 – Speaker 3
I need to move the emails over. Where are we on this? Where are we on this? I?
0:22:26 – Speaker 2
need to move this email over because it’s gotta be done right. And this kid you know just. I mean literally when I asked this kid to put away laundry. It’s done within five minutes. Because they don’t like the outstanding feeling. They wanna get it done. It’s a great quality. I mean this kid is gonna go places right. But on the flip side of that, there’s some cons to that. When a two week long school project hits, that’s outstanding for two weeks. So when this kid goes to game to release the stress but then he has to get off the game and then all of a sudden the project is still standing and it’s still out. It’s still out there Right in the gray. The pressure that has to be done right.
And I realized this. It was like a light bulb one day, and so this is what I did with this kid. I set them down and I said, hey, it is amazing that you have this quality Like. This is gonna benefit you in so many ways.
But because of this, when you have something outstanding, you get stressed out a little bit easier. So what could we do? And we brainstorm together. And one thing that really helps this child is if we came up with a plan Monday night I’m doing my research. Tuesday night I’m gonna type it out. Wednesday night I’m gonna glue to the board. You know these little things. And so every night we’re checking something off that makes the kid feel like they’re moving in the right direction, even though it’s this huge, outstanding project. And it was just like a light bulb and we talked it through and not only did it help him manage the project, it now helps him identify this is one of my struggles Helps him manage his emotions, like it’s amazing. It’s amazing that I’m like this, but this is what stresses me out these kinds of things.
0:24:28 – Speaker 3
And here’s the bigger picture with that. How incredible that you’re walking through this process now, at a young age, Because how many of us know someone who’s an adult that struggles and has never even figured that out? I could name off some people. Yeah, stop looking at me. So it’s this. The whole process of getting to know your child, not just on the surface level, but the deep level, is not just a gift to them now but helps them become amazing adults.
0:24:54 – Speaker 2
Well, and to their spouse, To the can you imagine and their boss.
0:24:58 – Speaker 3
And their kids. You’re welcome.
0:25:00 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I’m helping you. I don’t even know you guys yet.
0:25:05 – Speaker 3
So, listen, we want you to dive in here because it’s really gonna change everything in your household and for your kids. So, number one know when your kid likes to talk. It’s gonna be different and it’s gonna change. So dig in there and be aware of it and be willing to change with it. Number two know your child’s strengths and their struggles and don’t assume what’s happening on the surface is exactly what it is. Dig deep. And number three know your child’s stressors.
0:25:33 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk? 颈?
Transcribed by https://podium.page