0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim Every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter, find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:37 – Speaker 2
So Mandy and I have been walking through a mini marriage series. As we’ve learned to navigate through open communication with our kids, we’re finding that we need to put just as much attention in this area toward our spouses, and we hear that a lot from people. They’re like I’m working on this with my kid and I realize, oh my goodness, I don’t even have this type of relationship or open communication with my husband or my wife. So that’s why we’ve been doing a lot of these marriage series, to meet the need and because we’re walking through it too. It is an on-the-go, everyday kind of thing, not only with your kids but with your spouse. So we did a show about 10 things my spouse needs to know. That was good. Just some 10 points that right away you can get the conversation started with your husband or wife.
Matt and Mandy, they covered the need for transparency, patience and forgiveness when you need to talk about those things that just really irritate you about your spouse, those little things that people are like well, it’s not that big of a deal, but they build up over time and you and I, charles, we did something similar to that and they did another spin on it. So that’s a really fun show. Make sure you listen to that one. And today I gave Mandy the day off. I was like, get out of here, girlfriend, go run play, do your thing. And I invited my husband back on this show, which I love doing. We’re my favorite person and we are going to tackle wiring your wire differently than I am. Period, that’s it. It’s just is what it is.
0:02:01 – Speaker 3
It is what it is Right. And so when we talk about wiring, I think that’s what we talk about those natural tendencies of like. Of course, like we’re, we have different anatomy but there’s definitely natural differences between men and women. But we’re just talking about like the way that we’re wired, like our go-tos, our natural tendencies are just very, very different and this is not just going to be like a male female differences hour. We’re just going to kind of share, I think, what we feel are going to be like our biggest tendencies and how we’re wired differently, and hopefully some some couples out there can connect to that.
0:02:31 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and if yours are different or even opposite than ours because we’re talking in generalities here about two that really stand out, that we see in a lot of couples, but yours may be opposite, or maybe you have other things that are even harder to navigate I think the principles at the end of the day are going to be the same. So hang in there, we’ve got some good stuff for you. And, yeah, I think what, as we were preparing for this, one of the funniest stories that never came to mind from you but you pinpointed, was how we met it’s a great example of how we’re wired different.
0:03:00 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and it’s always interesting to hear people ask that question, and I always look at Kim to hear her response. And I was like Kim, why don’t you tell everybody how we met? Because it’s this inside joke that we have, really because the first time that we actually met, kim doesn’t remember and I had to remind her. Like well, actually, when we first met, like and I’ll be very honest with this the first time that we met, I saw my beautiful future wife in the downstairs lobby of the dorm room that I was staying at in the college that we were both going to.
First day of school, right it was close to it, I don’t know if it was the first day or checking in and we’re kind of getting our dorm room situated and whatnot, and you were checking out a vacuum from the downstairs lobby desk and I came out of an elevator or stairwell and I see you there and it was like an in-struck by lightning. It was like bam, bam and I just never been the same since really. But I looked at you and I knew that my life was gonna be different after that.
Even if we never met. After that. It was just, my life was better just by seeing you and it really was. It was just this immediate.
0:04:10 – Speaker 2
Keep talking, keep talking.
0:04:11 – Speaker 3
I’m loving this, but that’s how it was, and then because when I introduced myself to you after that, obviously I am not as visually striking as you are. I’m not as sure, Like I’ll admit it, I am not that is not true. I am not a very memorable person.
Oh stop it, However, but because I mean and that was the first time, I think there was maybe even another time that I actually tried to approach you and introduce myself to you, but it really wasn’t until the third time that I think that you remembered me and remembered that being our first meeting. So it’s really this ongoing, I think, kind of a joke.
0:04:43 – Speaker 2
It’s embarrassing because you had to remind me of your name for a long time and that’s okay and it was totally worth it.
0:04:48 – Speaker 3
I think guys out there, if you are way out of your league and you know it, you will admit to the value of perseverance and that woman that you have next to you right now. It was definitely worth it. But because they’re not or at least him is not as wired visually as I am, I had to woo her. I had to romance her in different ways that really made a connection to her emotion. She didn’t have to do anything, she was just there and sometimes that’s just how guys are at least me, that’s how we’re wired with, how visually oriented men are. If you look at I love going to car shows with buddies of mine and just looking at cars. I would never really buy one of those and I would never want to really drive one.
They kind of look uncomfortable. But there’s just so much beauty in a car that’s been well maintained, it has a great paint job, it has lots of bells and whistles on it and all those other things, and that’s the only thing that we do. You go to car show just to look. That’s true. There’s nothing else. Nobody at a car show is really trying to sell their car. Nobody’s at a car show trying to get you to drive their car. It’s just like hey, I want you to look and see how wonderfully beautiful this car is and it’s all guys. Now there’s a few girls that go, there are some loving spouses that attend and whatnot, just to sort of tolerate their husband’s intricacies. But if you look at car shows, that is a prime example, I think, of how guys and girls are so wired, just so differently.
0:06:20 – Speaker 2
Well, and that’s our first point, is he is visual, visually driven, and I’m emotion driven. So in that same story of us meeting I don’t remember which we need to tell the truth here. My husband has blue eyes, he’s tall, handsome, muscular. He is striking. But I don’t remember any of that at all. I don’t remember meeting him the first few times. I do remember this weird guy that I thought was a stalker which I think is you.
That I finally got to know and when I finally made the connection was when we started talking. When we started talking, having this communication, where I got to see his heart and how smart he is and funny, and he made me laugh and he cared about things and he was respectful to women and then all of a sudden he was the most attractive man I had ever seen in my life. It was that emotional connection to him that I had first and then I was like, oh my goodness, and you’re good looking. It was like the afterthought. So I was like this is like a bonus, like you’re amazing and good looking. So it’s an opposite initial response and attraction and the way that we process things is totally different Two people, same environment, same experience, but experiencing it differently.
0:07:32 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and I think it’s just important for everyone just to kinda it’s okay that we’re wired differently.
0:07:36 – Speaker 2
0:07:36 – Speaker 3
Right and it’s we’re gonna always, I’m always going to that’s gonna be my initial go-to is going to be maybe the visual. It’s always gonna get my attention first and the fact that you understand that and that you’re okay with that, and then I also know that that’s not how you’re wired Right. That also, like, helps a lot. I think that’s one of the reason why a lot of men enjoy that, those salary driven kind of jobs. I think some of that is maybe because there’s a little bit more risk and there’s a little bit more, I guess, edge to those kind of jobs. It makes it a little bit more fun to have.
But really, when you have like those salary driven sales type positions you’re looking at that car in the lot that you’re trying to sell or you’re looking at that house that you’re trying to sell, there’s a visual reminder of there’s your commission, there’s your percentage. That’s attached to that Every sale that goes into your bank account. It’s almost like that immediately, I wish I could get paid every day. Yes, I wish I could, and it was like you would be so motivated, absolutely. Yeah, I’ve seen that every day. Or like I think that’s why paying down debt quickly, like and you know we follow, like those baby steps kind of things with.
Ramsey is like. It’s like there’s that immediate like boom, boom, boom, boom. You see it. It makes it a connection to me and it really kind of sinks in.
0:08:44 – Speaker 2
Whereas the opposite of that is. So you’re being paid daily, monthly, whatever it might be the way it is motivating for me to say bye, have a great day at work and be away from you all day. What motivates me is I’m like, look at these pillows on the couch. Now that I have that, make the room feel inviting for my family. Look at the way that our house is taken care of or that we have the food that we need to eat that’s healthy and wholesome, or whatever it is. It’s creating a comfort level and a space that’s safe for our family. Not that those aren’t important to you, but that’s what motivates me to say let’s go make some more money. There you go. That’s the emotional connection that gives me the motivation. So again, there’s another good example for you of how those two are different. And the visual you hear most of the time associated with just like a sexual drive that gets talked about a lot in regular media and whatnot, and it’s true. I mean that’s important that we acknowledge that too.
0:09:42 – Speaker 3
Oh, absolutely. I mean, it’s so obvious we don’t really need to even go. There’s like restaurant chains that are based solely on visual. They’re very, very poor food choices at these places, but they’re like packed with men of all ages and they pretend to be like family establishment. So I’m not saying that they’re not, but the whole reason why people are going there is because there’s a lure of the visual and I don’t know can I say cleavage on the radio.
You can say cleavage Okay so cleavage, I think, is probably the best example of the power of the visual. There’s no nudity in cleavage, right? In fact, cleavage isn’t even a body part. Cleavage is like the gap between two, it’s like a fold. Okay, it is a space.
0:10:24 – Speaker 2
It’s a space. It’s a space, right, it really is like the empty space.
0:10:28 – Speaker 3
but really to a guy, cleavage is like a wonderment of possibilities. You know it really is, and it’s just because of the visual that creates in the mind of a male is just well, it’s. It’s enough to make you spend money and go to a restaurant that saucy wings yeah and really make bad choices later on because, right, but I mean that’s, that is the whole of the work, right?
and then, it’s just, and then I think you know it really, it’s sad to say it almost kind of makes guys feel like, or at least seem like, really shallow. But that’s just how we’re wired. We’re just really geared towards that visual. You know, a kind of attraction to things. At least that’s kind of like what keeps us, you know, going and I told you this before and I Want to, you know, everybody else to kind of hear that guys are so drawn to the visual that if I’m driving down the road and I see Somebody jogging it could be a guy or a girl, yeah. But if they’re just jogging and they’re like, let’s say like, if it’s a guy and the shirt is off and he’s like really ripped and well Maintained and he’s just, you know, jogging out there, I’m gonna stare, you know, and it’s not in a sexual way, it’s just gonna be in a way that be like wow, that guy is really well put together. There’s a certain amount of just visual interest In that you know.
So true, and and yeah, girls will, and of course you know girls will stare at it too or maybe look too. But like, but the guys in general, we just naturally will like kind of take a look and maybe you look to appreciate, we look to compare.
0:11:56 – Speaker 2
That’s generally what women do. We’re looking like no kids. You know the other side of that as we were talking through this show. That I think makes a really good point. I read a study once about the scent of your Deep relationship or husband’s underarm.
So I remember that calms a woman greatly like Scientifically. They did this study and they had men put on their regular do, the regular routine whether it was deodorant, no, do you know or whatever. The sweat and the scent that was created, that’s unique and individual to your person for a woman, has an incredibly Calming effect on their emotions. It’s like that closeness and the scent of the familiar, that emotional connection to this is my person, through scent Calms the emotion. So again, the emotion for women is so strong that even the scent is important.
0:13:02 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it’s crazy that is kind of crazy isn’t that crazy. Yeah, cuz most scents, especially like my natural underarm scent, would mostly turn me away and I actually like it. I’m repulsed by my own body.
0:13:12 – Speaker 2
Like you’re nasty when you know, but you.
0:13:15 – Speaker 3
But the study kind of said like there’s a comfort level that even even if it doesn’t smell Great, like it’s not a perfumey or cologne type of smell it’s, it’s that connection that goes along with it.
0:13:25 – Speaker 2
0:13:26 – Speaker 3
I’m just sort of like yeah, no yeah, it’s, it’s weird, but the but.
0:13:29 – Speaker 2
You know. The bottom line of that is women are always seeking comfort, familiar Familiarity and stability, even innocent, so it’s that deeply ingrained in us.
0:13:38 – Speaker 3
So you have this emotional need to connect. Yeah, I have this immediately wired in built-in visual connection. So how do we, how do we bring those two together?
0:13:48 – Speaker 2
You know, I think the first things we have to do is ask ourselves the question when do we naturally go? And then, when do we actually meet? How do we make those come together? How do we find a balance, you know, for us, really recognizing what drives you. You know, through the visual, and you know what is important to help you feel Like you’re in a good space, and the same for me. And where does that meet?
And a good example of that is like with work, balancing work, and I know a lot of couples deal with this. You need to be able to work hard and do your job well because, again, you’re visually Stimulated or visually Encouraged by the result of that, immediate results of that, and so I need to understand that you need to put some extra time, maybe in work, or you need to be a way to work harder on work later at night, a few times a week. On the other side of that, though, I need to know that you are committed to more of an emotional connection time, so maybe the balance for that, in a realistic sense or practical sense, is that we say, okay, during the work week, if you need to work extra or late, that’s fine. Why don’t you FaceTime us just so we can see your face before bedtime, or we can see your face you know and have that emotional connection with you, or that we commit that the weekends are time to reconnect as a family.
0:15:06 – Speaker 3
Yeah, speaking of the visual, like having your nothing like will jolt my day. Like in the perspective, then, like having a FaceTime video with my kids. Yes having like a very stressful moment and then like if you FaceTime me, like all that kind of goes away. It’s so neat just to see my family like really like instantly. It’s just like they instant all the worries and stress it like instantly goes away.
Yeah it’s pretty interesting like that, you know, and then also knowing like how you’re wired with that emotional side of things. Like, as much as I visually want to see you, you know, in a very intimate way, yeah, and I know for you to kind of be in that same spot with me, I just need to see you. Yeah you and then that’s it. That’s all I really need, but I know that you need more of that romance. You need more of that connection.
0:15:47 – Speaker 2
0:15:47 – Speaker 3
I also need to kind of chip away at some of those other things that are taking your attention and your emotion away, in order for you to kind of be on that same level with me. So that’s one of the things that we have kind of worked on.
I guess you could say and understand about each other as we’ve gotten married and as we’ve gotten together and understood each other a lot longer. But that’s definitely been a struggle because the visual is immediate for me. But I need to know that, you know, I need to remember and understand that that’s not how you’re wired.
0:16:14 – Speaker 2
Right, it’s. You know, I learned years ago that you need nudity and I need romance, that’s about as simple as it gets.
That’s what it boils down to, and this happened, all of this understanding, through a lot of conversation, which is not easy. It’s hard to carve out space for, it’s hard to tell your spouse you know, hey, let’s, let’s talk about this thing, but it’s what gets you to that place where you function as a team and where you both define, you know the comfort that you need and the drive that you need and you feel good about your relationship.
0:16:44 – Speaker 3
It sounds like a good title for a book. Yeah, he needs nudity. I need romance. I love it. I like that you already hear first place If you’re just now tuning in.
0:16:54 – Speaker 2
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Today I have my husband, charles, with me in the studio. Mandy is often about on a shopping spree. We’ll just say that because it sounds fun. We’re talking about our natural tendencies, the way that we’re wired and how different that is. We’ve discussed me being emotion driven. Charles is visually motivated. Now, this may be opposite in your relationship. I actually can think of a few friends where you know this is the opposite thing. So whatever it is that is wired for you, whatever the topic is, however, it’s different. We just want to give you a few key tips and examples on how to make that work in your marriage.
So every single aspect of life, I’m compelled to talk through and process my emotions or feelings, whether it’s internal or with my husband or someone else. I have a deeply ingrained need to think through and eventually verbalize my emotions. This is a big deal. The key word I want you to hear today, if you’re listening, is verbalize. It’s important because it’s usually a tripping point for couples and relationships. So, for example, charles, my husband, he comes home after a long day, a whole week, maybe in a funk, just a very difficult week, even though I can visually see that you’re upset, you’re exhausted, maybe frustrated. Whatever it is, you’ve gone through a lot. At some point I’m going to need to verbally hear you speak it out.
0:18:29 – Speaker 3
And I am not wired that way. No, no, not even close. In fact, that’s the last thing that my natural wiring wants me to do, and so I find that, in addition to being wired differently visually and emotionally this other way that we deal with stress is the way that we’re wired, and how we deal with stress is almost like polar opposites.
It really is, and it’s early on in our marriage. When you would seek that from me, you would immediately want to talk. That would push me even further away, because I’ll just let everybody know real quick if I’m really stressed about whatever. It could be a work thing, it could be a personal thing, it could be an income thing or a money thing. I want to retreat and I need time, and I don’t know how much time. I just need it and I need to be left alone. I need to be secluded, probably in a dark place where very little light. You, on the other hand, you love the bright lights, opening up windows. I’m just like I need darkness, darkness, darkness. And you’re like let’s bring some light in here. As we get, look at each other and talk about these things, and I’m like I want to go further down in the cave and I want to put a blanket over my head. Just stop talking to me. And so this really drove a wedge, I think early on in our marriage, and it drove me nuts.
It really did and I know it drove you nuts. And I was like why isn’t he wanting to talk to me about these things? And I’m like why does she keep chasing after me wanting to talk to me about these things?
0:19:56 – Speaker 2
0:19:57 – Speaker 3
Right, and so I know that was something that we’ve really tried to work on, and I just had to learn that I am not naturally wired to communicate and then maybe like, especially not initially, you know I’m wired to I want to think things out. I would like peace and quiet when I’m trying to think things out. No-transcript, and I don’t necessarily want to even tell you that that was probably the biggest thing. It wasn’t that you weren’t willing to hear that I needed that. I just wasn’t even able to communicate or verbalize that I needed that, and so that was probably one of the biggest obstacles of overcoming our natural wiring differences early on.
0:20:40 – Speaker 2
Well, and it sounds really difficult. It sounds like what would work for me is we sit down and we have this long, involved conversation and talk about why your week is terrible and ways that we can pray through that and things that we could do practically, and two hours later we leave and we high five and it’s amazing and, yes, I would like that, but I know that that makes no sense for you, nor is it something that would benefit you in that moment. And so what I realized, and what we kind of figured out, is that I need verbal affirmation that I’m right about your mood and where it stems from. I need confirmation that I’m not the source of your mood and I need validation that everything is eventually gonna be okay. Those are the three big points.
For a lot of people and a lot of women those three things it’s like a soothing balm to my soul Like literally it’s like oh, I can breathe again, my chest can open up and everything’s gonna be okay, and it just gives us both the mood and the calmness and takes the tension out of the room immediately. So what does that look like? Practically, it’s not that long conversation that I would like. What I have learned is that it’s really you saying something like Kim. It’s rough at work right now. I need some space. I love you. I appreciate your understanding.
0:21:54 – Speaker 3
Right, and I have. Originally I thought that you really wanted to talk the whole time, like immediately, and maybe you did, but that’s just one of the compromises that we’ve kind of developed.
0:22:02 – Speaker 2
This is where we’ve come together.
0:22:03 – Speaker 3
yes, this is where we’ve come together and so and I didn’t know it was that easy, I didn’t know that that’s all I needed to say to make it okay for you to kind of give me that time in my little dark space, because I just wanna solve it, I wanna get it done with.
I wanna, even though I’m home, my mind is still elsewhere trying to fix this. I have a hard time turning it off when I come in through the door. Yeah, I’m in a different physical environment, but my brain is still elsewhere and I’m still like I might even have like a weird look on my face when they come through the door. And so, just knowing that about what you just told me and how you communicated that is, I’ve learned to, even though that’s not still my natural tendency to be wired this way if I could come home and tell you I’ve had an extraordinary day, a day in which I’m going to like emotionally, I don’t feel like I’m in a good place. But if you could just give me some time to kind of get over it, maybe work on some things, and then I’ll come and we could talk about it later and then you give me that time, that has made a world of a difference.
0:23:07 – Speaker 2
And let me just say right here, cause I think it’s really cool, god’s grace and his knowledge of how a relationship is meant to be and how he designed it.
When I do that, eventually you come around and you want to talk about it, you’re like and not from me pushing you or asking you like you just show up in the kitchen one day, or we’re sitting on the couch and you just open up and we have this great conversation, the one I was craving, when the time is right, and so me giving you that space and understanding that’s how you’re wired, and you understanding how I’m wired and giving me that soothing balm in the moment, and we get to the point where we both get what we need.
0:23:46 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and this is I don’t even know like I needed these kind of like long, good conversations, cause those end up. First I thought like okay, I’m compromising and now I’m gonna get a chance to really talk to you because I’m thinking this is what you need. But reality is like I needed it too, and I’m so grateful to have a spouse that has the patience to give me that time number one and then also to be understanding later on, when we do talk about it, that we are solution driven. We’re just not talking about feelings. We actually are talking about how can we alleviate some of the stress or whatever the stressor is, Cause the stressor is still there. It’s just now we get a chance to deal with it when we’re both aligned and we’re both kind of like come to this great middle part, and then that speaks to more of like your love language and that sort of thing, and then that just kind of strengthens our bond as a married couple as well.
0:24:36 – Speaker 2
So these polar opposites coming together, it is gonna take a lot of give and take. Identify your wiring. What is your go to? Are you one that wants to talk things through, or are you one that wants to retreat? And what are the triggers? Come up with an action plan. Short sentences like to soothe me or I need time away, I need to go fishing once a month, or whatever it is. Figure out an actual plan and then do it. And then do it again, because it may not work the first time. It probably won’t.
It’s like everything, practice, practice, practice, adjust, adjust. You will change. And then always pray for sensitivity to your spouse’s needs that God would just give you grace and patience, and pray for a space to talk these things through. Yeah, just for our wrap up segment. We are wired differently and that’s okay. Do not expect your spouse to be you and figure out your natural tendencies and where you can meet in the middle and, of course, pray for wisdom and working through these differences. Thanks for being on the show today.
0:25:30 – Speaker 3
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
0:25:31 – Speaker 1
I enjoyed it. Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk? We’ll see you in the next video.
Transcribed by https://podium.page