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nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:30 – Speaker 2
Are you ready for the nextTalk?
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Today we’re talking about emotional coaching.
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So today we brought in a professional licensed counselor. She’s been with us before Celeste Inman from the Vine Wellness Group. Hello, thank you for having me. Celeste has been here before. She’s done several shows with us. She sets on our advisory council. She’s co-founder of the Vine Wellness. Tell us a little bit about yourself.
0:00:57 – Speaker 4
Licensed professional counselor, registered play therapist, so I really focus and specialize and enjoy working with the young ones from ages two and on up and just really enjoy that and have a wonderful family and two children, wonderful husband and love my job and you’re in the thick of it.
0:01:14 – Speaker 3
like we are in the middle of this parenting in the digital world.
0:01:17 – Speaker 4
I have a tween, a 12 year old daughter, and then I have a seven year old son. Oh, yes. So yes, they’re definitely in there.
0:01:23 – Speaker 3
Yeah, so we’re learning, but I love because you can not only be mom in the digital world, but apply the filter of the counselor. Yes, and what you’re seeing in your office plus, like what you know, your expertise. So I love that, and a lot of people in your office that come and talk with us are in the same boat.
0:01:41 – Speaker 4
Oh, there’s so much. I love reading your posts every day and I listen to that podcast on the emotional craziness and it was a great one, great points but there is so much that is constantly out there that we’re just needing to constantly focus and work on with our children and that communication.
0:01:58 – Speaker 3
So there’s a counselor term called emotional coaching. Tell us what that is.
0:02:04 – Speaker 4
It’s really helping your children to identify their negative emotions, that we’re also validating those negative emotions, helping them to learn what those are but then how to appropriately express them and have healthy coping skills through that, because we don’t want to minimize those feelings and I think because of that’s digital world that’s going on, children are having a harder and harder time dealing with those negative emotions. They are trying to avoid them, or they’re also, whenever they don’t have that digital media in front of them, they’re very bored and so they don’t even know how to handle boredom.
0:02:41 – Speaker 1
That’s so true. I even see that in my own kids when we, especially during the summer, we have, if we have some extra time and they’re having more screen time, and then we’ll say, okay, let’s turn them off. You know, let’s shift gears, let’s do something else, and a little time will go by and sometimes, especially like my seven-year-old he’s right in that age he’ll be like I’m just bored, like there’s nothing to do and the house is full of things to do.
All the things you did before, right were screens available, but it’s true they they tune into that and they forget how to use the rest of their brain.
0:03:12 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think about when you were talking, like I have a 15 year old, so I’m on snapchat. You know, I’m on Instagram seeing all this stuff and man, I see so many kids like in their bed snapping at night crying over something, and it just takes me back like they don’t have a person to talk to, but they’ll talk to the screen and they’ll post about it and they’ll snap about it, and I think this is one an area where emotional coaching can come in, because I think some preventative conversations can maybe be. Hey, instead of talking to snapchat about it, why don’t you and I talk?
0:03:46 – Speaker 4
about it so much more important to have that face-to-face conversation because so many of the nonverbals that are not coming across or they don’t even know and can’t always identify anxiety these days and there’s so much anxiety that comes along with those posts and or that sadness, and they’re just not even sure what or how to even handle it and deal with it.
Yeah, and so it’s so important as parents that we have that conversation to help them. Let’s talk about this what’s going on, what are you feeling? And sometimes they don’t even know how to identify or what to do, how to communicate and describe what they are feeling.
0:04:20 – Speaker 1
So you have emotional coaching as something that you address in your office. So clearly there are some signs that people should be looking for, because you said you start with age too, all the way up. So maybe different ranges of age. What are some of the things that we should be looking for? It’s gone beyond maybe just the day to day little things that parents are struggling to deal with. What are some actions or activities that our kids might be doing that would say we might need a little more help than just mom and dad?
0:04:48 – Speaker 4
I think when tantrums with younger ones, those are more obvious than a parent as to how they’re going to kick and scream and throw themselves on the floor. But even when they get older their anger almost escalates so fast or they start to get aggressive with their anger, either verbally or physically. A lot of them throwing things, kicking things, but then ranting and raving just very disrespectful or ugly words that you don’t want to have in the home, or just helping them to be able to bring and deescalate.
0:05:19 – Speaker 1
bring that down, and this is not like a one-time thing. You’re talking about a pattern of something like this, almost on a yes, it’s definitely increasing.
0:05:26 – Speaker 4
The intensity increases, the length of time that it lasts increases, and how often now it’s starting to happen more often, very easily, or something so small that really should not have triggered them that kind of that emotion. Then that’s also another red flag, because we just spilt. We can clean that up. It shouldn’t have created this huge of an emotion.
0:05:49 – Speaker 3
So I think I’m thinking about my own home here and seeing emotional outbursts in my own kids Anger and just frustration.
And when it happens me, I think the number one thing in helping the situation is me not freaking out Definitely, because when I start screaming back at them because I’m mad at their behavior, it escalates, then going up, and I think one thing I’ve learned is just being able to say, hey, just take a minute, just go to your room, you’re not in trouble, but I just need you to calm down for a second and then we’ll talk about it or whatever. And I feel like that has really helped. But I guess you’re kind of talking about when we have those conversations over and over and try to get them to deescalate. Sometimes that works really well, but sometimes it doesn’t. And if they continue on this pattern and it heightens, then it’s time probably maybe to talk with a counselor. I’m just trying to figure out, like for parents out there, like when is it time? Because I feel like a lot of these things are normal things, that kids are going to do and it’s easy to overreact.
0:06:54 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and we don’t want to overreact Right.
0:06:57 – Speaker 4
So you need a counselor when you don’t even say right and some of this stuff you can definitely be doing at home and having those conversations ahead of time. I noticed last night or this morning when you were playing the video game you got really agitated very quickly and easily. So after that situation has been calmed down, that would be a good time to have a conversation. Maybe some things we can practice would be and so having those conversations aside from the time, because in the moment, like you were mentioning, in the moment if you start to kind of even get a little escalated, then they’re going to escalate and you kind of end up continuing to match each other as you go up and it just goes nowhere.
And actually this is something that’s kind of in. A lot of scientific counselors will also refer to this as the amygdala hijack, where there’s a portion in the brain, the bottom of the brain, that has all the emotions. It holds all your emotions at your fight or flight response and when your emotions are heightened, your frontal lobe, in the front part of your brain, behind your forehead, which does all of your logical reasoning your self-control.
Your focus helps with all of that stuff. When your emotions are high your amygdala kind of hijacks your brain because in your frontal lobe shuts off and there is no logical reasoning. There is no logical reasoning, good choice making, there’s no self control, and so we really have to bring those emotions down before then we can really talk through clearly and, you know, really focused and make good judgments. So that’s why it’s so important when emotions are running high, walk away, have a cool down period for five, 10 minutes at a timer and then, when everybody is more calm, then you can talk and be more rational with your decisions. And that’s really important that we are always, because I know sometimes parents want to in that moment, want to go ahead and fix things or really try to work through the situation, but when the emotions are high that’s not going to work. So you really need to have that cool down period and then you can kind of talk through things and problem solve and work it out.
0:08:55 – Speaker 3
I love the scientific explanation behind it because I feel like it helps me as a parent when I’m going, when I feel my emotions getting out of control, that I can literally think I need to step away from this because I’m not going to be able to think logically, like you said, because that prefrontal lobe shuts down, but then also being able to literally think about that when my child is having a meltdown, saying, OK, they can’t think rationally right now, and if they’re under 25, their prefrontal lobes are not even developed anyway.
So they’re working with a limited prefrontal lobe, so they’ve got two waybys coming against them when they’re having a meltdown. So I think that’s really good for us to be able to have empathy with our kids and even with ourselves.
0:09:38 – Speaker 4
I think the more that we can understand then, the more that we can really step back and be more rational and look at it from a whole picture.
0:09:45 – Speaker 1
Yeah, Well, and when we’re not in the midst of it, like you’re saying, it’s always good to have these conversations and explain things to your kids, and a lot of times we’ll put terms or songs or ideas to things for younger kids. I know this isn’t work as well for older kids, but being able to say like your brain is hijacked. Something that is quick for me to say that we’ll let them know or remind them of a conversation we’ve had before when we’re not in the middle of craziness.
So I think that’s something that will help me a lot to be able to explain to them what’s happening in their brain, come up with one or two words that will remind them of it, and that we can walk away from this situation and come back later to readdress it, and I like what you said too.
I was thinking the same thing about how it’s applicable to us. This just happened to me yesterday. I literally felt like my brain was going to explode because the mommy, mommy, mommy, constant, and then my husband needed something. He wasn’t in a great mood and everybody was hungry and it was just everything all at once and I felt myself having a not nice response. Like it was coming to the surface and I could feel the hair bristling.
0:10:51 – Speaker 3
Your brain was being hijacked. Cam by all the emotions.
0:10:55 – Speaker 1
I was like everything up here was shutting down and all the emotions were boiling up. I could physically feel it happening and I got the keys. And I never do this, but it was so great. I got the keys and I said I just need 10 minutes in the car with some music and air conditioning. My husband was like OK. And it was great, like 10 minutes later I came back in and I could be loving and kind and thoughtful and we could talk through the things and I could make dinner.
0:11:20 – Speaker 4
But being able to use that example for my kids.
0:11:22 – Speaker 1
Because they saw it. They’re like are you OK, mom? I’m like I’m great now Wasn’t a minute ago, but I can share that with them and we can laugh about it and understand what’s happening. That’s so helpful to know.
0:11:33 – Speaker 3
So I’m assuming you help families with this, like if a parent comes to you and says I just need help, I want to be an emotional coach with my kid, but there’s something in me Like I just can’t respond logically. Something is wrong. You can help them through that right, this process.
0:11:50 – Speaker 4
Yeah, we’ll kind of figure out what’s holding them back, what are the fears or the concerns that’s stopping them to then be able to move past that, to then focus what they’re needing to help or how to help and kind of what those plans are with our kids that’s so good.
0:12:03 – Speaker 3
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0:12:32 – Speaker 2
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0:12:58 – Speaker 4
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0:13:05 – Speaker 1
What are some of the tools that you might suggest to a family who brings in a kiddo, who’s just really struggling?
0:13:11 – Speaker 4
First, I want to make sure too that the parents are helping their kids in those moments, just to be present with their kids and help them to identify. I see that you’re getting really agitated right now. You look very upset or you’re very angry or you’re really sad about that, you’re really disappointed. So, really helping them to identify, reflect those emotions, kind of help them, just be there with them and letting them know that you accept them and you so love them with those emotions. Those emotions okay to have. Everybody wants to be validated too.
0:13:38 – Speaker 1
Right.
0:13:39 – Speaker 4
Yes, being that my feelings are okay to have and I, you know that did disappoint me. It may not have disappointed somebody else, but it disappointed you. And so really being present with them, letting them know that those feelings are okay to have, but then helping them and kind of having plans ahead of time. You know what, when we start to have some negative feelings, we need to try to regulate our body, because it’s dysregulated right now. It’s off, so let’s try to calm ourselves. We can either use deep breathing, you can use mindfulness activities, trying to think of a happy place or a peaceful place.
If you could go anywhere, where would that be? What would that look like? And thinking about all the five senses. So, in detail, have them describe to you. What does it look like? Who’s there with you? What are the colors that you see? What are the things that you smell? What are the things that you feel? What’s the arrow like? Is there a breeze or what you know? If you’re sitting on something, what does that feel like? What do your clothes feel like? What are the things that you might taste? So, wherever you’re at, what would you want to eat or drink? So what would that taste like? And then what would it smell like the other smells that are around. So really taking them and having that place kind of already prepared so what would they title that? So then you can even help them. You know what You’re getting frustrated. Let’s take a break. Think of your happy place, remember. Think of going to Fiesta, texas. You really enjoyed that. That’s your happy place. Let’s practice that. Yeah, you can eat ice cream.
0:14:59 – Speaker 1
Yes, that’s what they’re going to. A lot of times they do come up with.
0:15:03 – Speaker 4
Or even the superhero worlds you know, they’re Spider-Man for the day and that’s what they want to be and so, going there, or even grounding, just being present in the moment, what are the things that we see right now around us? What are the things that we again the five senses, but in the very moment, right then, and there trying to ground them?
0:15:21 – Speaker 3
So I think it’s like we got to figure out, help them identify the emotion that’s kind of the first thing, the first thing when it’s we’re main calm and then help them identify the emotion, validate them.
0:15:31 – Speaker 4
Yes, that lets them know that you are present. You understand, you get me. So you’re really tuning in with them, and so that lets them know. Okay, you get me. I’m going to now. I’m going to pay attention to what you have to tell me.
0:15:41 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and then try and move into and it could be you could have a saying you could have, like you said, go to your room for 10 minutes or go to this happy place and think about all the five senses. You know, one of the things that we’ve done that I felt like has worked well with my kids is I’ll say to them okay, I understand you’re angry right now. Do you need a reset? Do you need a reset? And our we have lots of different ways we can reset, reset. It could be a bubble bath, if there’s time, you know, or just taking a hot shower or going to read a book or going to take a nap, but there’s lots of different like ways that you could do a reset.
And then after the reset we come back and talk about it.
0:16:24 – Speaker 4
I think that’s another important part of it.
0:16:26 – Speaker 3
Yes, and because I always start out the conversation. I love you and I don’t ever expect you to be perfect, and it’s okay that you blew up and it’s okay that you had this emotion. But what you have to understand is when you get a job or when you’re at school, these emotions have to be in check. You can’t just go off, you know, in the middle of class. So what I want to do is I want to help you figure out how to handle those. But I think it’s real important not to make them feel guilty, like you said earlier, for having the emotion. Just help them kind of through it and understand. This is why we have to manage this emotion Right.
0:16:59 – Speaker 4
We have to find those healthy coping skills.
0:17:01 – Speaker 3
Yeah.
0:17:01 – Speaker 4
That’s the other important thing. We want them to have those healthy coping skills so later on, as they get older, they’re not falling into the bad habits and finding the unhealthy of like cutting.
0:17:10 – Speaker 3
I mean, I think of cutting right away, because that’s an unhealthy coping mechanism.
0:17:15 – Speaker 1
Yeah, there’s so many different ways you know that we can process that. Like you’re saying, give them a minute or go to your happy place or you know, whatever it is that works for your family.
I think one of the things that we really just need to reiterate here that I hear all the time in the grocery store and I’ve even heard it under my roof. You know, in those moments where we mess up as parents, where we say you’re okay, or it’s not that big of a deal, or what, we tend to brush things off that don’t seem important or a big deal to us. And I think it’s just so important, even the smallest emotion to validate in that moment and just give them a minute to feel it.
Let them know it’s okay, like you said. And then the circle back conversation. I know in our family again, cause I have the younger ones it’s a little more of a physical thing. We do our finger across the forehead.
Let’s move from our emotional brain to our thinking brain, Cause sometimes my kids will just spiral real quick, Like this is the worst day ever and this is happening and this and this, and we’ll go to our thinking brain and we’ll talk about all the things that are really happening and take some deep breaths and that helps them to realize, like you said, be in the moment and to refocus on what’s actually happening instead of all the things that could. And then they’ve spiraled into this bad place.
0:18:29 – Speaker 4
So I think it’s really about figuring out for your family what that looks like and for your kids, and it sounds like you’ll have great plans and things that you’re already practicing, because it is important to have those little key words that you use and you kind of have those plans and practicing those things. But, again, important to validate their emotion, because it is their emotion, it’s not ours. We might feel things very differently from them. We’re different people.
0:18:54 – Speaker 3
Well, and going back to what you said, the earlier we can start this the better, because, just like you said, how it gets into more complicated issues as they get older, I mean and we mentioned the cutting I mean I have a daughter in high school now and the stress they’re under is there’s nothing like it I have seen. I mean, sometimes she just literally will collapse, like in the summer. The first couple of weeks of summer she was like it was like ketchup Cause she just didn’t have Her body was distressing from everything. Yes, yes, I feel like you know, and then I got her back and then it’s like she goes into this, you know, deep sigh before school starts again, because it’s all the stuff again.
0:19:32 – Speaker 4
She’s trying to prepare.
0:19:34 – Speaker 3
She knows.
0:19:35 – Speaker 4
But just I can’t imagine what it would be like if we didn’t have the coping mechanisms in place for the stress and for the emotions that she goes through and the more that we even practice them on a day to day of just trying to find those good habits so that they’re easier to pull from when we need them, is a great thing to remind our kids. You know what? Let’s go practice, whatever those things are that you enjoy doing, if it’s the bath, if it’s shooting basketball hoops outside if it is throwing a football or kicking a soccer ball with each other.
Yes, and that’s what helps. Practicing that on a day to day basis also helps keep those negative emotions a little bit more at bay and keeps those stress levels down so that we’re not experiencing those negative ones as often or as intense as quick I’ve heard you and Annie say before and I love this analogy is when everybody’s at a 10, which is like heightened energy and emotion.
0:20:30 – Speaker 3
Wait, you got to be like a two or three before you get back to that, and I just want to reiterate that I just don’t feel like we can say that enough. Trying to resolve the issue or fix the problem in the middle of all the emotional chaos is really Gonna be counterproductive correct.
0:20:47 – Speaker 4
Yeah, it is not a good time to do it. You really need to come back down and be at a better place again, because your amygdala is.
0:20:54 – Speaker 3
Hijacking your brains.
0:20:55 – Speaker 4
You’re not gonna be logical. You’re not gonna be. You know clear thinking and this, like you know it’s so hard.
0:21:00 – Speaker 1
I feel like every show we do and every topic we talk about it comes back to us Setting that example and practicing those coping skills for ourselves. And that’s hard because you know we’re trying to parent and do all these things. And it’s a good reminder again that that self-care and that taking the time to know Our cells or what works for us and identifying when we’re stressed and how we cope with that Really is how we have effective tools in our tool belt and how our kids learn from watching us.
0:21:28 – Speaker 3
Well, and we’re talking about our kids but like this totally helps your marriage, oh, like whores, totally. It can be applied to everything, I mean your work, relationships, everything. I think this is just such an important topic that we I mean I feel like every topic we cover is important, but this is a foundational thing here. I think, it’s really a foundational issue to all the other sectors that we, that we that we cover here at nextTalk.
0:21:54 – Speaker 1
Sometimes I feel like and I don’t mean to shift gears a little bit, but I feel like I have two boys and a girl and I feel like a lot of times with boys, people will think that they are much more physical and they’re harder and they’re not as emotional, and so they think that this is not as important with boys. I’m just curious what you have to say about that. I have my own opinions, but I’d be curious to see what you’re seeing in your practice and what you would say.
0:22:18 – Speaker 4
I think it’s just as important for boys, and sometimes maybe a little more, I think, because in times past it’s been hold those emotions in, just buck up and be a man. But yet they have the emotions just as much as women do and they need to be able to be in touch and know that it’s okay To have those emotions and know the appropriate ways to handle them.
0:22:39 – Speaker 3
I’m so glad you brought this up, kim, because I feel like I miss this as the mom of a boy, because I had my daughter first and so you know the emotion things.
We walked through that with her, but with my boy I was just like, oh, it’s fine, and that didn’t work for very long until I realized that he needed a safe place to to talk and have insecurities.
And In boys I’ve noticed it comes out Well, in our situation it comes out more in anger, where with the girl I don’t mean a stereotype, but in our home is kind of how it works and the girl is more Emotional. You know tears and that kind of thing and and so it took me a minute to not get mad at the anger, you know, because I was used to the tears from my daughter and I could work through that because I was, I could empathize with her. But the anger I was like, oh no, bubba, like you need to shut it down, you need to take care of this. But then when I finally started doing the reset with him, mm-hmm, and then going back to talk and then being able to see, okay, this is what. Is it the root of what was making him angry. That’s when I uncovered, like a deepness, I think to his emotional side, that I didn’t know was there and I feel like I missed it because he was a boy. I hate to say that, but I think.
0:23:56 – Speaker 4
I did well and I think a lot of us just aren’t aware or don’t know. But especially with anger, typically that’s one of the safest ways to express emotions and it’s more of an, I guess, kind of seen as an okay of emotion To have, because really behind the anger there are so many more other emotions that really are the root, more of that embarrassment or the jealousy or the guilt or the shame or the sadness, insecurities.
Yes and so that’s really what’s behind those. It just feels safer to be angry, and so I think going back to really what’s behind it is so important.
0:24:29 – Speaker 3
Well, and he’s a big gamer, so I think that that gets into it as well. It almost like hypens it, yeah, and so you have all that working together. And for me, you know, at first I was like just shutting down the video games and but the anger was still happening. So I had to work through what that looked like like. Maybe it’s not the video games, maybe it’s the anger. We need to work through first and then we can help regulate the video gaming, you know.
0:24:51 – Speaker 4
I’ll going back to the open communication. Yeah, that’s the bottom line. Yes, it is.
0:24:56 – Speaker 1
Celeste, it has been a pleasure to have you on the show, as always, and it’s so important for us to work through these things in ourselves so that we can be good examples and Good trainers up for our kids. But what I want to know is if people are thinking, okay, we’ve tried all these things, we need help. How can they contact you?
0:25:14 – Speaker 4
They can go to our website, the Vine wellness calm, or they can give our office a phone call to 1o 490 4 4 1 9 and ask any questions that they have and we’re happy to help. However we can Thanks for all you do to help families. Thank you, thanks.
0:25:33 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630 the word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast. At nextTalk. Or are you ready for the next dog?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
