0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:10 – Speaker 2
Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim Every Saturday at 10 am on AM630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:41 – Speaker 3
So good to be on the show today with a couple of our team members. I was going to say the oldies but goodies, but that’s terrible.
0:00:47 – Speaker 4
That’s terrible. I’m going to get a slapdown in the studio.
0:00:50 – Speaker 3
You have no idea.
0:00:52 – Speaker 2
Oh, I mean the beautiful mature ladies of wisdom.
0:00:56 – Speaker 3
Hello, Holly and Kim the other Kim. Am I the other Kim or are you the other Kim?
0:01:00 – Speaker 1
I don’t know you were here first, so I think that makes me the other Kim, kim and Kimmy. Yes, kim and Kimmy.
0:01:05 – Speaker 3
K-E and K-N. Yes, well, we’re so glad you guys are here today. So are we Good? Good, we’re talking about high school stuff and since Mandy and I do not have high schoolers, we wanted to do a show on high school heads up for those of you who are getting ready to make that transition or who are in it with your kids and have no clue what’s going on in our feeling a little overwhelmed.
0:01:27 – Speaker 4
That wasn’t an evil laugh.
0:01:28 – Speaker 3
I’m sorry, not at all, not at all. So are there some things specifically that are on your mind about high school that parents need to know? Oh, we got a lot, okay.
0:01:40 – Speaker 1
Always, always. Where do we start? You said you were going to talk about what heads up means. Okay. Yeah, I’m going to start with that, okay.
0:01:47 – Speaker 4
I want to tell you what heads up means. Heads up starts in a basketball gym or out on a field somewhere. It’s a sports term and it means there’s something coming at you pay attention. That’s what heads up means is get your head up or you can get bonked in the head with a basketball or a softball or a football or something that’s round and orb like, and will hurt and will hurt.
0:02:09 – Speaker 1
It will do damage.
0:02:10 – Speaker 4
When it bonks you, it’s going to hit you in your head, and so that’s what heads up is, and so that’s why we’re here is to say please use your eyes, use all of your senses, use some situational awareness and look up, because here it comes.
0:02:23 – Speaker 5
And parents. You need somebody walking ahead of you on this journey. Like I cannot tell you how valuable Holly and Kim have been to me on this journey as a middle school mom, being able to call them, because everything I call them about they’re like oh yeah, that was happening a year ago in high school and this is how we dealt with it. Now it’s over. Now there’s something new going on, but they’ve walked through it and they know how to help me have these conversations and they also help me not freak out. There have been times when I’ve texted you right?
0:02:51 – Speaker 4
Yeah, you’re not freaking out.
0:02:52 – Speaker 5
You’re like, okay, this is going to pass. This is some conversations you can have and it’s been so valuable to me. So, parents, you need this in your life.
0:03:00 – Speaker 4
And also reminding you, because most of us know, like I know, your children, so it’s like you know you have a great kid and your kid has a great head on her shoulders. She’s going to do this, and so just sometimes reassuring parents and so if you are the parent of a high school or a young college, reach back. That is one of your jobs, that stewardship is reaching back and being there so your child had the same experience or not. They are all living in the same world.
0:03:27 – Speaker 5
And middle school mommas too, help the elementary moms Absolutely please. Because you know what needs. It’s gonna hit them in middle school and you know the conversations that need to happen before. So also always, this is a continual process that everybody’s giving back here.
0:03:41 – Speaker 4
Yes, and it can be the fluffy little things like we talked about how to start wearing makeup and the easing into that.
0:03:48 – Speaker 5
Or where did shop for Catillion dresses? You know little things or they can be big things.
0:03:53 – Speaker 4
They can be big things, you know. And it’s with boys, it’s when do they start wearing compression shorts?
0:03:58 – Speaker 1
And things like all of those things.
0:03:59 – Speaker 2
And that’s important.
0:04:01 – Speaker 4
And you know parents are a little nervous about it the first time they have to do that.
0:04:04 – Speaker 1
Yeah, you’re just validating each other. We talked about this, about why aren’t more parents talking to each other? Because you’re embarrassed or you think, oh, I’m the only one who doesn’t know about this or things like that, and you just need to reach out to your other trusting friends.
And you’re probably going to find that you’ve had some very similar situations and you can validate what the other one’s feeling and just kind of give oh yes, I’ve been through this, this is what happened in my house and it makes that other parent feel so much relief. We’re like just talk to each other.
0:04:36 – Speaker 4
Yes and it’s. Yeah, just ask. And let’s say you’re the new kid on the block, new parent on the block and your child is going into something new. It’s okay to find one of the older ones and say, even quietly, say can I ask you a question or can I text you? I’ve got some things and find one that’s kind of gregarious and she’s probably the one with all the information. I’m not pointing anything at myself or anything.
0:04:58 – Speaker 3
Well, I wanna I’m not playing the devil’s advocate here, but I just wanna encourage those mamas that I’ve talked to a few times that are like I don’t have people. I don’t have people. One, do what you guys said, just ask. And two, we’re here to support you too. If you just need something right away and you’re wondering about a game or a situation or subject or whatever that’s what nextTalk is all about we’re here to help you in starting.
0:05:21 – Speaker 4
Yeah, you can direct messages. You can direct messages.
0:05:23 – Speaker 5
0:05:24 – Speaker 3
0:05:25 – Speaker 5
You can email us admin at nextTalk.org. There’s multiple ways you can contact us.
0:05:29 – Speaker 3
Go to our website. Everything is on there. At nextTalk.org, we are all learning together. And so think of us as your bigger community as well. Yes, we’re one tribe, yeah, so heads up about high school. Heads up about high school.
0:05:43 – Speaker 5
So, yeah, let’s talk about this. People that don’t have their tribe, this is for them. You guys give them. What do you want them to know?
0:05:50 – Speaker 1
I think, first of all first of all, we were talking about this. If you’re starting out, you don’t have a high school, You’re in middle school and they’re gonna be in high school and be a freshman next year. I think a lot of parents get really worked up and think about high school being really scary and they feel like they’re trying to protect their child by finding out everything, asking all the questions, and that could build a little more anxiety in your kid than necessary. Usually they transition a lot smoother than we anticipate. I remember getting you know we got worked up when they went into kindergarten and we got worked up when they went into middle school and it’s the same thing. You get all panicky that it’s gonna be this huge transition and they’re gonna fall on their face and a lot of times they sail right through it and us getting worked up and asking too many questions and trying to find out everything for them isn’t necessarily the thing that they need. They really need us to just be really chill and cool about it and we’ll find out everything.
We’ll find out all those answers as you get into it, drop the bomb that oh, I wasn’t gonna do this extracurricular activity and then, right before freshman year started, oh yeah, I am. Wow, okay, I don’t know anything about that, but we will figure it out and you just do, and they, and it’s a lot easier than it has to be. So all the scary stuff and all the scary stories you hear about high school, don’t take off running until you know something’s after you.
0:07:13 – Speaker 4
my dad used to say that all the time.
0:07:17 – Speaker 3
Big time and it’s at the tone right.
0:07:19 – Speaker 4
Yes, and just you don’t have to. You know, go, okay, we’re going into, but no, it’s. Their teachers have prepared them in middle school. Most of the time They’ve probably gone on a visit or two. All of their people are going with them. Unless they’re changing schools completely like school districts You’ve moved something like that. Their people are with them, so that makes them real happy. And it’s still going to class and you have a teacher.
0:07:45 – Speaker 1
The expectations are going to be higher, but the teachers are going to say that to them day one and they know that coming in, they know that those little guys are coming in on a middle school and they’re freaked out and scared and trying to be really, really cool about it. They know that and a lot of schools have Orientation or something that they do with the kids. I know ours walks them through their entire schedule. They’ve shown where their classrooms are going to be one hallway. It kind of takes that anxiety away from that first-day transition.
0:08:15 – Speaker 5
Yes, talking about orientation and asking too many questions and trying to figure everything out. I just kind of want to bring that together because I had a conversation with you guys that I thought was really good and it kind of opened my eyes when you said you know, you go to these orientations or whatever. You don’t need to be the parent like raising the hand and asking every question.
0:08:32 – Speaker 1
So let’s dive into that, because I do that, your kids going to be the one climbing under the table and hiding.
0:08:38 – Speaker 4
0:08:40 – Speaker 1
Just sit there silently. But, I think you don’t. You’re gonna find out all the answers and usually they’re gonna cover half of what you’re gonna ask anyway, if you just sit there and listen. I don’t think you have, and they put it on a website.
0:08:51 – Speaker 4
They’ve got it. They’re gonna got a personal email.
0:08:54 – Speaker 5
Yes, yes, and so that was really eye-opening to me is let my kid take the lead. If she has questions, let her ask the questions, but me just jumping in there, okay, when is lunch? Or these really little things that I don’t need to know. No just kind of take a backseat and not get a schedule that way it’s. You’re not appearing as a helicopter mom, you’re letting them figure out the journey and the most important thing about high school.
0:09:19 – Speaker 4
High school is where you teach them to drive the ship, because when high school is over, they’re either going to go to college, to the workforce, to the military, whatever there’s a next step. Your job is to teach them to drive that ship. So you got to let them put their hands on the wheel. That’s so important, and so that’s what that four-year process. You got four years, moms and dads, to let them know how to steer their own ship. And it starts when they’re freshmen. They need to handle some things, they need to bring stuff to you and they’re going to fail. That’s the thing is, parents, you’ve got to let them fall a little bit. They don’t fall, they don’t know how to do it, or they don’t know how to get back up. You cannot rescue them every time. Yeah, you can be there, you can be a soft place to land. You should be there and be a soft place to land.
0:10:05 – Speaker 1
If you try to control everything for them to keep them from falling, not only do they not learn from it, they have a huge fear of it happening. Yes, and I want my kids to be okay with plan B or plan C or I messed this up and how do I fix it and what do I learn and how do I do it better? I want them to have that experience. I can’t walk around with that safety net under them, forever hoping that everything’s going to be perfect and they’re not going to fail.
0:10:31 – Speaker 5
Well, the other thing too if they feel like they have to stay with plan A, like you said I like that analogy and and they don’t get into the college or they don’t get into whatever sport they want to, they’re scared to come home and tell you, and so you need to have that conversation about that’s okay, being able to trust God’s plan, and being able, like you said, to be okay with plan B and plan C and finding the hope in that and the world doesn’t come crashing down around you because plan A didn’t work out the way you thought the sun comes out the next morning.
0:11:02 – Speaker 3
Well, I think a lot of self-awareness is also built during that time by allowing that to happen. We see a lot with the age group that my husband works with is that their parents have said anytime you fail, it’s someone else’s fault.
0:11:16 – Speaker 4
You know oh the coach didn’t like you.
0:11:18 – Speaker 3
Oh, you know, whatever it was, when it allows kids to realize well, maybe this isn’t my thing.
0:11:24 – Speaker 1
Yes, that’s okay, that you’re not good at this, and mom and dad have to be okay with it not being their thing.
0:11:29 – Speaker 3
Yes, and walking them through that, and I think high school is such a great time to build on that too. With what you’re saying letting them fall and walking them through that it is okay. Let’s look at what are your gifts, what are your passions. Let’s try something else. They’ve got to fail in order to get there.
0:11:42 – Speaker 4
And one of the things Kim and I talk about when we talk about dating is we both really like the thought of dating in high school because it’s like training wheels and if you can parent through those relationships, then that’s really important because you don’t want them going to college and then just all of a sudden having this first real relationship and you’re not there. But it’s the same thing with all of these things these extracurriculars or academics, your friendships if you’re there to parent that for four years and they’re going to be and not hovering allowing it to happen. But parenting through things, it’s a process through it.
0:12:17 – Speaker 5
I think that’s so great and I was going to ask you about dating because you we’ve talked about this a lot, your stance on dating and all of that. I loved what your teenagers told me recently and that was they were talking to me like dating is really changed because of snapchat, really, and walking them through that, because they said it gives boys a reason not to commit. You know, they can just talk to you or snap street to you.
0:12:42 – Speaker 4
Everybody’s talking. Everybody’s talking.
0:12:44 – Speaker 5
Nobody’s in a relationship, nobody’s committing, and you can be talking to five different people is what they told me and you never really know where you stand. There’s never really let’s get to know each other on a on a face-to-face level, like a real level.
0:12:56 – Speaker 3
It takes a long time. Well, this is a great heads up tip because, as your kids are going into high school and maybe they’re getting all excited about someone they’re talking to, if you know this ahead of time, you can walk them through that, because your girls were like I. It’s hard to imagine falling in love or what love looks like, because everybody’s just talking yes. So it’s hard to know if you’re even in a relationship and talking about that with them.
0:13:21 – Speaker 1
I’ve talked to mine about go old school. Yeah, if you really want to learn about someone and if you like this person and they like you, you’re going to have to have a face-to-face conversation, and doing it through snap or direct message isn’t going to work, even though that’s their normal and that’s how they communicate and I think as they get older, they do realize the value of having a conversation in person, going out and having getting yogurt, whatever with this person and getting to know them, not just through a message or a snapchat picture Right and just so you people know how this progresses.
0:13:57 – Speaker 4
their talking is done on snapchat and through DMs on generally Instagram. Then it moves to texting. Texting is much more intimate and that’s the truth, without question.
0:14:08 – Speaker 5
That’s so funny to us right that texting is more intimate?
0:14:11 – Speaker 4
No they’re not using Facebook Messenger hate to disappoint you, but they’re not there and then it’s, so that’s the way it’s progressing, but yeah, they’re really weird about that.
0:14:21 – Speaker 5
But then I would think that there’s some conversations surrounding okay, it’s okay to start like that, because I know you’ve said to me before you you have Holly you have said to me before it’s easier for a guy to put himself out there, like asking out on a date or a proposal. You know, maybe he wants to ask somebody to prom. It’s safer to do it first on Snapchat or first through that DM, because if the rejection happens it’s not public or whatever. So it’s okay that they use this for the initial contact. The key is that they move past that into the real relationship area. And so you know, it’s okay this is their culture to start there, but they shouldn’t just be talking and snap-striking for a year and not know where they are.
That’s the conversation, then.
0:15:08 – Speaker 3
Right. If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 10 am on AM 630, the word nextTalk Radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nextTalk.org and click on give. We are talking today with Kim and Holly, our high school mamas, a part of our team, who are very valuable and beautiful.
0:15:33 – Speaker 4
We don’t pay them, so we have to pay them in comments you got me it’s not working at all it was already said, kim, you can’t get it back, I can’t get it back. Mama’s a little salty here, so just back it up, sister.
0:15:48 – Speaker 3
They’ve given us some great tips on our attitude. Entering into college like what that needs to look like, I’m sorry, into high school Probably college too, but entering into high school, your attitude sets the tone. Don’t be that mom, don’t be her. We’re talking a little bit about dating too, that it has changed and it looks different in high school, and you’ve got to have those conversations with your kids. So heads up, mamas, these are some great things. Dad’s too what else do they need to know?
0:16:14 – Speaker 4
What is something? Recently, our girls told us basically that they need us to know that they’ve seen everything, that they’re very aware there is so much going on and they have seen it and they’re not panicked by it. They’re aware of it. They know that there are kids doing drugs. They know there are kids having sex. They know there are kids smoking, and when I say smoking, I mean weed marijuana. Mary Jane, whatever your generation called it, they call it weed. That’s what they’re smoking, and marijuana is very accessible, Extremely accessible, and just FYI. One reason that teenagers are smoking more weed than anything else is because it’s easier to get. They don’t have to try and do something illegal with buying alcohol or getting other things, even whether it’s vaping and jewels and things like that. It’s easier to get weed.
0:17:12 – Speaker 5
Cigarettes and I feel like marijuana is their cigarette, like we grew up just everybody tries cigarettes. You know you just do it and there’s is, you just smoke weed like you just try it. And so we have to counteract that with conversation and we did a vaping and dueling and stubs and you guys talked about edibles too on that show. So if you want more information on that, we dive into that a lot. We have a separate show for that. You can check that out.
0:17:37 – Speaker 4
But your kids need you to know, as parents, that they see it, and I don’t care whether you’re public, private, christian school, home school. Your kids see it, it is there and they want you to know that they’re very aware of what’s going on. So, they’re not panicking, should we? No, your job is to stay in communication with them, stay up with them. Just know where they’re at all the time. I’m not know where they’re physically at, but mentally, emotionally kind of their temperature.
0:18:06 – Speaker 5
Thank you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, your temperature.
0:18:07 – Speaker 4
yeah, yeah, no, mine does not have a tracking device.
0:18:10 – Speaker 3
Well, speaking of knowing their temperature. What about stress? I hear high school is like crazy Pressure cooker.
0:18:17 – Speaker 1
Yeah, pressure cooker.
I think that’s why it’s important for us to stay so calm in the way we interact with them and also recognizing that there’s stress.
You have to know what the source of that is, because it’ll come out in their behavior, their words, their eye rolls, their huffing, whatever it is towards you. And it’s really difficult at times when you’re tired as a parent to not react to that in a negative way and you have to kind of give it a moment and go okay, where’s this coming from? This isn’t my kid, this isn’t how they normally behave or talk to me or whatever, and also, at the same time, kind of put the mirror up in front of their face and say okay, did you hear the way that just came out of your mouth? Did you see the look on your face? I haven’t done anything, I just got here, you know, and kind of getting them to recognize okay, I’m tired, I’m exhausted from whatever, I’m stressed out about tests I have tomorrow, whatever it is. But you have to realize that as a parent and not just react to their behavior, because stress is huge in their world in high school.
0:19:21 – Speaker 4
And one thing, please remember this, parents, that especially college bound kids, that the pressure that you think is coming from their high school is actually coming from the universities.
to the high schools You’re like we want this this this, this and this, and so the high schools have a responsibility to prepare for what the university have asked for, and so that’s. There’s all of these service hours, and it’s the extracurriculars and it’s all of these things. But just believe me that there are many, many universities your kids can go to and get in. It doesn’t have to be a very specific one, and things like that. Just be mindful of that, that this pressure is crazy on them.
0:20:07 – Speaker 5
And I’ve had to be careful too. You know, when I grew up and I was in high school, I mean, I went to high school in Indiana and you couldn’t earn college classes in Indiana when I was a kid. I don’t know how it was in Texas, but now you can, and so I’m looking at that. And you know, my kid is on the track. She had four pre-AP classes in middle school in eighth grade, and so I want her to get as much college courses under her belt because it helps me, it helps us financially pay for college, right, I have to be really careful that I don’t add additional pressure, because I want those college classes to help, and so that’s a conversation.
0:20:43 – Speaker 4
And also it’s knowing about how that works. And it’s not a magic bullet taking AP classes. It’s not. You have to, you know, and some universities don’t take them at all.
0:20:53 – Speaker 5
There’s a formula to it.
0:20:54 – Speaker 4
There’s a formula to it and so backing off as a parent and knowing, okay, maybe we don’t have any, there are plenty of kids who don’t have any or don’t have that option at their school, and then there’s some kids who we have the option to do many. So it’s finding that balance, finding the balance with your child. What can you handle plus your extracurricular that you love with all your heart, way more than you love pre-calculus?
0:21:20 – Speaker 5
0:21:21 – Speaker 4
And it’s how do you balance? And it is constantly standing under them and helping them balance. It is constant. It is again that preparing for their future without overbearing.
0:21:32 – Speaker 5
Yeah, I think as a high school, I’m right here. This is a show I feel like for me because we’re going into high school next year, you know, and going into and hearing all the options that they have available, first of all I was amazed and I was like I want to go back to high school and take some of these classes, like they were amazing.
Like a gaming class, a floral class, like all these options that were just like so cool, right. But it’s overwhelming also, and I love you guys, as I’m learning so much from your teenagers the more time I spend with them and they’re talking about their life as juniors now and getting ready to be seniors. One of your kids said to me freshman year was way more overwhelming to me than my junior is now Because as a freshman she said I had to figure out, I had all these options with classes, and it made me think of me being overwhelmed when we went to that orientation. And she said also, I don’t know my peer group yet.
You know I have my friends from middle school, but you’ve got different schools merging together. You know the friend thing is gonna change and you wanna find your people. You know you’re trusted inner circle people and so that was really helpful to me when they told me that because I need to make sure I’m supporting my freshman more and not adding more stress Like I need to just be receptive to that freshman year, that she’s got a lot coming at her, she has to make a lot of decisions and for me I need to not nag, I need to remain calm. I need to not add stress to her life, just know that in four years she’s gonna have a future.
0:22:59 – Speaker 4
That is not a question. She will have a future. And on the flip side of that is the parents who get so far into it and they begin to live vicariously through their kids. And whether it’s academics or music or sport or whatever it is.
0:23:14 – Speaker 5
Some parents are so far in there, like you have to get into my college that I went to because this is the fourth generation of-.
0:23:21 – Speaker 4
I love the fact that you’re this superstar. I need you to do this because it makes me look really good on Facebook.
0:23:28 – Speaker 5
Mom and dad put it on your phone. We got some preaching going on right here Preaching, and so we got stuff and that’s across the board. We’ve talked about this.
0:23:36 – Speaker 1
It’s the classes they’re taking, their majors they’re picking who they’re dating, what team they’re on, all those things that parents can get so wrapped up in that you make it bigger than it needs to be and you don’t give them a chance for maybe the possibility of that plan B that we were talking about earlier, because they don’t think it’s possible to have a conversation with you about changing something or not doing something anymore because it’s so important to you as a parent and they won’t open up and talk about it. And that’s just adding more anxiety to them that they don’t need, because they’re already putting that pressure on themselves.
0:24:12 – Speaker 4
And there’s a lot of resentment that comes if you’re that far involved in their lives. They’re going to resent it because they want to be individuals more than anything, more than anything. And remember, high school is a microcosm. It’s a microcosm and there’s a great word out there, great SAT word, called myopic. And that means focused on the tiny, so don’t be myopic.
0:24:33 – Speaker 5
Yeah, let them see. You’ve said to me before, let them see past high school, and I love that. Always remind them that this is just a small portion of your life and most of my high school days I forget. There’s highlights that I remember, but there’s so much that happened past high school.
0:24:49 – Speaker 1
It’s so big to them right there when they’re in it, but having that conversation with them and reminding them they’re in this fish bowl for this short little period of time and it’s so different when they’re out and starting college. They’re in such a different world and making different friends and new choices and their independence and all of it. And they look back and think, wow, what was I so freaked out about?
0:25:11 – Speaker 3
in high school Totally, totally. I think that is a great way to end here on high school heads up, I feel like I have been in a counseling session. Like, I feel, like I am ready for high school next year. I’ll be no excuse then. You better all work tonight. Can I buy you a coffee?
0:25:27 – Speaker 2
Yes, Thank you, ladies, for being on the show today.
0:25:30 – Speaker 3
I always appreciate your wisdom.
0:25:32 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 AM on AM 6 30, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page