0:00:03 – Speaker 1
Hey, this is Mandy and Kim with nextTalk, where we are passionate about keeping kids safe in the digital world.
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0:00:32 – Speaker 1
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0:00:38 – Speaker 2
Okay, i’m glad we’re doing today’s show Mandy, because of this topic. You know, we all have strengths. Everybody’s different, and this is one of mine. I am really good at being defensive. It’s a natural trait for me. I’m an expert, but really Some people are just skipping over this show because of the title.
0:00:57 – Speaker 1
They’re like I can’t do it.
0:00:59 – Speaker 2
I’m getting defensive. I just read it. I’m like, nope, not ready for it. I tell you what though I’m not joking This is something that I have always struggled with. Poor Mandy, oh, poor Mandy, you have struggled along with me, because I can naturally get defensive, and it’s generational for us, like Charles and I both my husband, our families kind of come from that defensive place. So we grew up around it and we talked about it and we said you know what? We don’t want to be that way, we don’t want to model that for our kids. But it’s easier said than done. You know what I mean.
0:01:31 – Speaker 1
Well, i think we all struggle with this on some level. I feel like maybe you’re saying we struggle with it more than most people because it’s in our family, you know it’s their house, but I think we all struggle with it. I mean, if we’re honest and we are, you know, sometimes someone says something and it rubs us the wrong way and we get super defensive and we shut down, and there’s all sorts of reasons why we would get defensive. Sometimes there is a trigger, or we feel inadequate or something you know, but it will trigger that defensiveness and then a wall goes up.
0:02:11 – Speaker 2
I feel a wall right now. It’s coming on.
No, I’m just kidding I got to tell you when we were preparing for this show. Every once in a while, you and I will look at definitions of words, because it’s kind of nice sometimes, not that we don’t know what defensiveness is. It’s nice, though, to see the broader understanding of what it means, and this one hit deep down. I looked it up, and, according to Oxford Dictionaries, defensiveness means very anxious to challenge or avoid criticism. But there was more synonyms for defensive self-justifying, oversensitive, thin-skinned, easily offended, prickly, paranoid, neurotic, uptight and twitchy Twitchy.
0:02:55 – Speaker 1
Don’t you love that? I mean those synonyms are, they’re like ouch.
0:03:01 – Speaker 2
Right, i feel like everybody can relate to one of those words, even if you’re not trying to. sometimes we feel those feelings. We don’t always know why, like you said, but those synonyms made a big impression on me and I didn’t want to be described that way. So I was excited that we were bridging this topic and we were going to talk about some things that have helped in our family and in yours, and maybe we can all be a little less defensive.
0:03:24 – Speaker 1
Yeah, get to the root of the behavior. I feel like this is such an important topic because when we get defensive, we shut down communication, and so you know, our whole mission at nextTalk is to help create a culture of honest conversations, especially in our families, but also in our schools, in our churches, in our communities. I mean, this is how we have healthy relationships, by having conversation. And so if we’re getting defensive and we’re not having those conversations, that’s a problem that needs to be addressed.
0:04:00 – Speaker 2
So the other day my husband comes home from work, sweet and kind and all the things are normal afternoon or evening He says, hey, did you have a chance to go to the post office? Just like that, Just like that.
No tone, no tone, nothing at all. I responded so lovely with a no with all the tone, like extra tone totally did. Then I was like listen, i had a big work project. I was up at five. We had a busy home school day. The bathrooms are so nasty I had to get them clean. Your mama came by unexpectedly, thank you for that. I helped our neighbor fix her Wi-Fi because she’s 80. Like I just went down this whole list.
0:04:38 – Speaker 1
Okay, and so wait a minute. I know your husband. I feel like he probably just stood there. Like I just want to know do you need me to go to the post office for you? Like what happened?
0:04:50 – Speaker 2
So this is the gift of marriage. You know, if your spouse knows and loves you, you know despite who you are. Yeah, he stood there and just looked at me kindly as I rattled on, and on, and on and on And then he was like hey, I get it, I knew you were going to have a busy day. I only asked because I thought I would offer to go to the post office for you. And of course I’m like I’m so sorry, But it’s one of those things.
I rattled off all of these things in a state of defensiveness because I thought he was coming from a place of like you didn’t do it, you failed, you didn’t do all the things that super moms are supposed to do. You dropped off one of your tasks and I am disappointed in you. That’s where I went And that’s what happens when you get defensive because you’ve got something deeper going on or something you haven’t dealt with, And that’s one of the things we want to point out today. You’ve got to figure out where the defensiveness is coming from, the why and the where.
0:05:44 – Speaker 1
And so in your situation, you felt like, because you weren’t able to do it all and be that superwoman that we’ve talked about before, that you automatically felt like a failure, And so it was a trigger for you. And so when he said it in a kind way, just hey, did you do this? you got defensive.
0:06:06 – Speaker 2
Yes, absolutely.
0:06:07 – Speaker 1
But so what does that do in the future? when he has a question, is he going to be scared to ask you?
0:06:15 – Speaker 2
He’s never going to help me again. That’s what it does, mandy. You know it’s one of those things that we tell our kids like, even though we’ve talked about, or even though maybe you know we’ve talked about pornography or we’ve talked about protecting your heart and mind, you still may make a bad choice. It’s the same that we apply here. I know that I can be defensive.
When certain things get pushed, certain buttons, or when I’m exhausted or whatever might be happening, i feel extra stressed, and so it’s more about my response in that moment, after I realized that I was coming from a bad place and not my spouse, and so I literally took a breath and I was like I am so sorry, you were coming from this great place and that was all about me. That pushed my buttons, that were about me feeling like a failure, and I apologized And we move on from there, and usually that doesn’t happen, but every once in a while it does, and it helps me to continue that deeper work, asking God to show me like why am I responding this way, what are my triggers, what are these patterns, and really praying about healing that brokenness, because that’s really what it is, and he is the only one that can truly heal us from something that deep Does that make sense.
0:07:22 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and I think you said something so important that I don’t want to gloss over. I kind of want to say it again because I thought it was really good You got to know your triggers in your pattern. Yeah, because sometimes they’re so ingrained in who we are we don’t recognize them. We’ve been doing it for so long, we’ve been getting defensive for the same thing for so long. So this kind of brings us to our next point. You know, you got to be humble in being. We always say, look in the mirror, it’s hard to do, but you can break those patterns. And so what we want to challenge you to do is replace defensiveness with humility.
0:07:58 – Speaker 2
Yeah, our world That’s gonna be hard. It is hard. You’re so right. And it’s one of those things just making the decision to recognize when you’re being defensive Because, if we’re honest, i think most of us feel, you know, going back to those synonyms to defensiveness, we feel those feelings and we know something’s off. And it’s in that moment of, oh, my response right now is not awesome that we get to choose.
0:08:23 – Speaker 1
Okay we’re making it Twitch.
0:08:25 – Speaker 2
I’m feeling twitchy man. That’s cinnamon synonym twitchy. I feel a little bit like that was a mistake to give you that word, because you’re gonna be like Kim. Are you feeling twitchy?
0:08:35 – Speaker 1
I want a shirt now I want a shirt with twitchy on it, because twitchiness does not build open communication. No, yeah, i think you know. Just we did a whole show on being humble but being able to recognize those triggers, like you said. And just why am I feeling this way? Why am I getting so defensive and snapping somebody’s head off right now, when they were just being nice and asking me a question, like a simple question?
0:09:05 – Speaker 2
And what’s so cool about that? when you do decide, even if it’s after the fact, if you recognize it and you apologize and you decide like, okay, this is a problem, i’m gonna identify it, and you speak it out to someone that you know will not hold it over your head, like hopefully your spouse or a dear friend, they can help you work through that, and that’s such a beautiful gift when someone says I know that’s not who you are And let me help you with that. It’s just such a blessing and it creates that place of open communication that we’re talking about. I have to tell you, with my kids, these big, important conversations are sometimes hard because we’re explaining and trying to talk through difficult concepts. I’m always trying to come up with simple things that can role play with them or share stories with them that will make sense on their level. And one that we started talking about when it came to being defensive was something that came to me when I was remembering being a kid in school. Do you remember, like the fire prevention week, the stop, drop and roll. Do you remember Drop and roll? I still say it. I still say it. It’s a thing Like that’s what you do when you’re on fire. You guys stop, drop and roll And I was thinking about this recently and that applies to being defensive or responding in the wrong way in a conversation.
Tell your kids stop, take a minute, breathe, pray. Have a humble response ready that will not fuel the fire, and I love this verse, colossians 4-6,. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer every man, and so some of the things that we talk through and this is just like again with other things that we talk about, with nextTalk, having a plan for when it happens, so your kids know what to do This is the same. Give them a few things they can respond with that won’t fuel a fire in conversation like this. I’m not sure I understand where you’re coming from. Can you give me an example or tell me more about that? Or I hear you this is Mandy’s. I hear you, kim. She says that when she knows when I’m being crazy, she’s like. I hear you, kim.
0:11:09 – Speaker 1
I try not to have phone.
0:11:11 – Speaker 2
Oh, it’s so sweet, it’s a southern tone to hold another conversation and show. But she says I hear you, i’m just not sure I’m ready to talk about that. I’m trying to do the acting. Can you give me some Pam?
0:11:24 – Speaker 1
Yes, and then one that And I clap a little.
0:11:27 – Speaker 2
Yes, she did a little clap, It’s so true. And one that my husband says a lot is why do you ask that? Or he says what makes you say that, Kim, If we empower our kids with some of those questions, sometimes stopping and them saying that kind of puts out the fire in the moment, And then we roll into the drop And I tell them drop the attitude. Getting defensive never improves the conversation. Like, take a breath, adjust your tone, say something that’s not going to make people more upset with you and then roll. Roll with the conversation Instead of jumping to conclusions like I did in that story, like he is judging me and calling me a failure. If I had not jumped to those conclusions because of all my triggers, I would have realized if I heard my husband out, he would have just been trying to help me and love me better, And so if I rolled with it for a minute and heard what he had to say, it would have changed the whole scenario.
0:12:24 – Speaker 1
So when you’re rolling with it, it’s really like you’re hearing them, you’re being a good listener. Yeah, so I love that. Stop, take a minute, breathe, just relax for a second. Don’t respond, drop the attitude or the tone or whatever you’re getting right to snip out of your mouth. Right The twitchiness, the twitchy, and roll with the conversation. Just become a good listener, don’t just snap off. You’re just listening to hear the other person And I think if we’re replacing defensiveness with humility, that stop drop and roll comes much easier. So true, much easier. We create an environment in our home. We always talk about creating this culture of conversation. Right, when we don’t respond with brash or negative tone or just going off when somebody asks a simple question, when we can get that under control, we create a place where it’s a safe door to ask any question, even the simple questions like did you go to the post office today?
0:13:30 – Speaker 2
They could ask me about porn, and I’m fine, but ask me about the post office and I’ll lose my mind. Yeah.
0:13:35 – Speaker 1
I mean, and if we can get that under control, that defensiveness, it just shuts down so much And we can really create a healthy dialogue if we stop dropping roll.
0:13:48 – Speaker 2
That’s really true And it’s a great thing to role play with your kids. It gives them something tangible to think about and to remember in the moment And then, as you’re practicing that, something really beautiful that is born out of that is the ability to consider the other person, their heart, their circumstances when someone else is being defensive. We’ve talked a lot about when we’re defensive, but we’ve all been in the conversations before where someone is saying stuff and you’re like, wow, why are they getting so defensive? If you’re on the receiving end of that, it’s hard. But if you can stop for a minute and think through it, like, what is their perspective? Where are they coming from? Are they exhausted? Are they hurting? Are they lonely, like whatever it is, if we can teach ourselves and our kids to do that, that place of empathy creates a space, like you said, for a conversation that is healing versus a conversation that breaks down the relationship, and that’s our goal.
0:14:42 – Speaker 1
I’m glad we kind of shifted at the end for people getting defensive with you. You know, i think this is really important to talk about because, like, when I feel someone getting defensive with me, the first place my mind goes is what did I do to evoke this? What did I do wrong? And you know, a lot of times if I have my spouse or a friend nearby I will ask them privately hey, did I evoke that? Like, tell me the truth, like, what did I do wrong in that situation? And you know, sometimes they’ll say, yeah, you know you poked here and you knew this person is struggling with it. Like, you know, maybe you should reword that or whatever. But many times they’ll say you know what, you did nothing wrong.
But you have to remember what this person’s going through. A lot of times their response it’s just not our responsibility, we don’t have control over it, and so we have to kind of let it go, even though it hurts. When somebody gets defensive and like your husband, i’m sure he was like holy moly, what in the world, you know, like he’s just trying to be helpful And so it’s hurtful, but we can’t take responsibility for that. We can’t take that on, the only thing we can take on is did we evoke something in it? Did we do something wrong? And that’s like looking in the mirror. And when we didn’t just love that person, you know we always say default to love. This is an important situation when we feel other people getting defensive of us.
0:16:10 – Speaker 2
For some reminders when we’re talking about defensiveness. pinpoint the source of your defensiveness. Where is it coming from and why? What are your triggers? Replace defensiveness with humility And with your kids you can role play that. Stop drop and roll. It’s really helpful. And then consider the other person’s heart and their circumstances. It may help you understand them better and come from a place of humility.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
