0:00:00 – Speaker 1
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0:00:39 – Speaker 2
Last week we talked about being over scheduled, overscheduled and over it, way too busy, and you know it’s important to carve out time, even when you’re driving down the road, because you’re mentally exhausted when you’re over scheduled, and so that was a great topic. If you missed that show, we ask you to go download that and listen to it on our podcast. Today we want to talk about something a little different Friendships. Because friendships, you know, if you’re over scheduled and you’re crazy worn out, you’re not going to be pouring into friendships. You’re going to be the kind of friend that is, a selfish friend, where you want me, me, me, me, me pour into me, and you’re not going to be able to actually be a good friend.
0:01:18 – Speaker 3
And again, part of that hard part of being a parent is that our kids are watching all of our relationships, our marriages and our friendships. Are we making time to pour into others? Are we being a good listener?
0:01:30 – Speaker 2
0:01:31 – Speaker 3
being kind and thoughtful when it’s not necessary. They’re watching and that’s how they’re learning how to be friends to their peers Exactly.
0:01:40 – Speaker 2
You know, in, friendships change and our kids watch how we go through that too. You know and that is really key to make sure that we’re modeling that well how we handle when friendships change, and they change for different reasons. It could be somebody walks away from us. It could be, you know, we’re just going in different directions. We don’t have the same. You know values, whatever it could be. But or we could just move cities, or we can change schools. I mean just the natural progression of things. But friendships will change and we got to figure out how to deal with them as adults and how to walk our kids through that.
0:02:17 – Speaker 3
Absolutely. I know. One of the things that I hadn’t really thought about but with my eight year old now is he’s asked a few questions about different friendships in our lives that have changed over the years and we’ve had some really good conversations that I didn’t expect to have with an eight year old. Just about you know this, we move to a different area health reasons, different things and he had some really good questions and I can see now how he’s applying that in just his little young friendships and how they’re changing on the playground and stuff like that. So we have good conversations even at that young age that we can model for they’re watching us.
0:02:55 – Speaker 2
They are watching us.
0:02:56 – Speaker 3
Yes, it’s so early.
0:02:58 – Speaker 2
It’s so true, I mean, and they are. I mean this is hard, this is hard stuff to talk through because you know Mama Bear wants to come out and if there’s a conflict or something in your kid’s friendships, you just want to take your kid’s side. And that can get kind of, because then you pile up and create this judgment and this. So you got to be really careful about that. I mean, I know every situation is different and you have to pray through this, because some situations are, yes, we need to get the maybe a kid who’s having a lot of influence on your child and it’s not a good influence. Yes, I get that. We have to, like, intervene sometimes and, you know, try and figure out how to handle these conversations. But on the flip side of that, you know, sometimes our kids mess up too in a friendship and we have to also teach them through. Well, what could you have done differently to have a different outcome? It’s important to see both sides of it.
0:03:51 – Speaker 3
You know, Charles and I, my husband, we were speaking at a class at our church recently on the littles you know, age like seven and younger, and one of the things we talked about is that you might be surprised at the input and the suggestions and the ideas that your kids have for big problems.
So often we think, Well, we’re the adult, we’re the parent, we’ve lived through all of this, we know exactly how the situation should be handled, especially in relationships, and it’s easy to say you should not hang out with that person or oh, my goodness, I can see how you’d be hurt. You should probably walk away from that or intervene in the situation when really giving them the opportunity, when they’re sharing with you what’s going on. Number one, that’s a blessing that they have shared with you what’s happening in their friendship or their challenge with this person. But then, before giving your opinion, saying how do you think you should handle this, what are your thoughts on this relationship? What does it mean to you? How could we best? Let’s go to the Bible, let’s see what God says about relationships. So walking through, not necessarily giving them a solution right away, but teaching them how to walk through their own ideas and looking at scripture together. I think is a great teaching tool when they start having conflicts and challenges in relationships.
0:05:00 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know urban dictionary. Let’s talk about a definition that we use in urban dictionary and this term is like not used as much anymore but it used to be.
It’s a little passive, it’s a little well, it’s a little outdated maybe, but frenemies, you know, we used to hear that a lot. You know, the urban dictionary says it’s an enemy disguised as a friend, and we talk a lot about this, you know, because all friendships have ups and downs. You know, true, authentic friendships, you’re gonna clash on some things because you’re really being honest with each other, you’re holding each other accountable. You know, I love that iron sharpen, sharpens, iron verse, yes, and so there’s always gonna be friction.
0:05:41 – Speaker 3
You know, just like a marriage really honestly, you drive me crazy girl, If you that’s kidding.
0:05:46 – Speaker 2
Remember that time we got that knockout, drag out, fight cam.
0:05:49 – Speaker 3
Oh, yes, we lost and I pulled your hair.
0:05:53 – Speaker 2
No, that’s not healthy I’m bigger than you, girl. Okay, okay, let me just say anything physical is not healthy.
0:05:58 – Speaker 3
So that’s not okay.
0:05:58 – Speaker 2
That’s not on the table. That was a complete joke and it was kind of not a good joke. But yeah, no physical stuff here. What we’re talking about is you know, all friendships have this give and take relationship and you’re gonna move through that. But if you have a relationship that is so up and down that you don’t know if this person has your back from day the next day to the next day, you know, one day it’s on your best friends and the second day you hate each other and the third day you’re you know it is back and forth.
Okay, that needs to be evaluated, because that does not sound like a healthy relationship.
0:06:32 – Speaker 3
Right, and I think too, there’s a difference between disagreeing and talking through things or seasons in a relationship. That’s something that I’ve learned a lot about lately with different friends is sometimes because of just our schedules, we get to see each other a lot and then things change with kids and life and jobs and we don’t get to see each other a lot. And just being able to talk through that, I think, is good. But if you’re not able to have those conversations and it’s just this yelling and toxic and anger and hurtful exchange, that’s different. That’s something, like you said, to be evaluated. If it’s a hurtful relationship, then you need to look at what’s going on here.
0:07:11 – Speaker 2
Yeah, well, you know, I also saw a quote from somebody. I don’t know who said it, but it said you become like the five people you hang out with. Yes, this is important because, it’s true If you hang out with somebody who’s always like finding your faults and making you feel awful about yourself and you know, or attacking you.
Or attacking you, talking behind your back. If that’s a constant, you need to reevaluate, because you don’t want to become like that. You don’t want to stoop to that level. You don’t want to, you know, then get into that whole cycle. That’s like not somewhere we want to go and we need to watch our kids’ friendships about that too, you know. The other thing we need to talk about, kim, is because, you know, we’re all about the cyber parenting thing. Friendships are different now because of social media. That’s true, this is a big one, the word friend is different.
Yes, this is a big one, because I have seen girls who are best friends, you know, and they will tag everybody in the whole school and say you’re my best friend except their real best friend, just to like make a point that I’m mad at you today. Wow right, so you got to really watch this. Or? Or there’s also a thing when you’re getting you get invited to a party but they’ll tag everybody in the group picture but they won’t tag you. That’s kind of their way of saying, yeah, you got invited to the party, but we didn’t really want you here. That’s like we felt obligated to invite you, or maybe our Families or friends, and so I had to invite you, but I don’t really want you here.
This is a whole new thing that we don’t always think about because we didn’t have to deal with it growing up. Yeah, it was so different, yeah, and so you know, and they know when they’re not invited to the party. I mean, they absolutely know when they have a friend and then they’re not invited to the party. You know, maybe they’ve been invited all these years and then all of a sudden it stops.
Yes it is a very Obvious thing now because of the posting on social media.
0:09:08 – Speaker 3
I think you know. Because of those reasons, it’s really good to start talking to your kids about what friendship means and what looks like yeah, my young age. Yes yeah, and also I know for me. A mentor of mine years ago said you really only need a few People in your inner circle. Yeah and that’s a different type of friend than your acquaintances right acquaintances are people that you know.
Maybe they like your pictures on Facebook and you hug each other and you share a fun story Right them at church and maybe are on a play date once or twice a year. But that’s a different kind of friend than the people in your inner circle and those need to be chosen and prayed over very carefully because it affects your whole family.
0:09:48 – Speaker 2
You know I say this in my book when I talk about, you know, walking my daughter through friendships and stuff I think about of a dartboard, kim, this is what I think of. So the center is what I describe as my kids relationship with God. You know that should come first. I want my kid answering to God above anyone, above me. Yes, I mean I want my kid to to feel like that’s who I need to be accountable for, is to God. And then that next ring is our relationship with us. You know that family circle and that’s the. That’s the zone where I say there aren’t any secrets. So between my me, my husband, my daughter and my son, no secrets in that zone. Uh-huh, that’s us.
And then that third ring is the inner circle of friends. Those are your kids, your kids and their friends, who your kids may tell secrets you know, like crushes or you know Little things like that that they Convide in. These are people who they trust. Trust, yes, these are people like what you’re talking about. They will speak into you. Yep, they will help hold you accountable, they will encourage you. Um, they will call you out when you need to be called out, but they will be nice about it. It won’t be done like on social media or it won’t be like Broadcast with other kids. It will be confidential and, hey, I’m worried about you because of this, this and this in a private way and I feel like these are the people, um, that love you with grace.
0:11:11 – Speaker 3
Yes, I think that’s just such an important thing to teach your kids. It’s finding, yes, know your flaws and know the challenges or the season of life you’re in, and they love you anyway. Yes, because they care about you, no matter what.
0:11:23 – Speaker 2
Yeah, that’s your inner circle. That’s your inner circle of friends. And then after that I tell my kids Then you have an outer circle of friends. Those are your social media friends. Yes, so those aren’t the people that you’re going to put every little secret on social media because that’s not the place for it. No, um, and that in but. But you can talk with them. You know you have a relationship with their acquaintances. Basically they’re people in your classes, but you just don’t hang out on the weekends. You know those kinds of friends. And then the other, the last ring on the dartboard, is everybody else. Everybody gets a spot. But these are people that you may not. You know you don’t, they’re not speaking into you because they’re not in your inner circle. Um, but everybody gets a place on the dartboard. You know, nobody gets to feel left out here. But allowing your kids to see that they great visual, they can let everybody in to a certain extent. Yes, but you know those inner circle friends are the friends that you’re going to listen to when big things come up.
0:12:18 – Speaker 3
Yes, big choices.
0:12:20 – Speaker 2
Yeah, these are people who we want to follow Jesus. You know, we want our friends to follow Jesus. I love proverbs 13, 20 and I speak it over my kids all the time Walk with the wise and become wise, associate with fools and get into trouble. Yes, that’s a good verse for us and our kids. It is such a good verse and we get caught up in hanging out with the wrong people.
0:12:43 – Speaker 3
Absolutely. Yeah Well, and I think all of us have had those experiences. You know over Over your experience in life. Maybe it was when you were in college, maybe it’s now. Maybe there’s a friendship that you’re just like. This is not healthy. There’s something not right here, and we can use those experiences our, our kids love it when we share our own stories and things that we’ve struggled through.
We get to share our struggles to help them learn and walk them through that and I think, um, that makes it more Realistic for them. Real, real, tangible. Like oh, mom, mom gets it. Yeah, she’s done this before.
0:13:15 – Speaker 2
Yeah, well, and when they get older and you start sharing some big mistakes with them that you made as a as a teenager, yeah it. You can say I was, I was, I was around these people and I got. I thought that everybody was doing this, or I thought I got manipulated into thinking that everybody was doing it because everybody in my circle was, but that was not true. You don’t share those real stories, like you said, and the older they get, the more you can share with them on their level. If you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630,. The word nextTalk Radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through donation Donations to support our organization. Go to nextdocorg and click on give.
0:14:06 – Speaker 3
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0:14:33 – Speaker 2
We pray for it all the time so help us spread the word, and if there’s something that we’re not covering, a topic that you’re like I need a show on this you need to message us Absolutely. You can send an email to admin at nextTalk.org. You can also contact us on Facebook, instagram, twitter and send us a DM. Whatever you wanna do, if you don’t wanna put it out there for the public to see, we’d love to hear from you, absolutely. So today we’re talking about conflict resolution, frenemies.
What happens and we talk about friendships will change, yes, and I gotta tell you, parents, we gotta be careful here, because I think what happens sometimes is we invest in families and we love these families and we spend time with these families, and then our kids get older and the kids may be going in a different direction. Yes, they may be involved in different activities, they may be choosing different groups to hang out with Yep, and we have to be careful not to make our kids feel like, well, you have to be this person’s friend because we’ve been friends forever. That is so wise.
This is really difficult because you know, lots of times we’re best friends and what I’ve learned is we have to separate. There’s the adult friendship, that you can still be friends and you may not talk about your kids as much, or you may not talk about the relationship because it’s their separate thing.
0:15:52 – Speaker 3
0:15:52 – Speaker 2
But you’ve got to be able to establish this you can’t force friendships on your kids.
0:15:57 – Speaker 3
Well, no, they become resentful and it’s not a natural, it’s not a real friendship Like what we’re talking about, that Trusted, sweet, deep friendship that you can rely on. It’s forced. It’s forced Like a forced marriage?
0:16:09 – Speaker 2
Nobody wants that. It’s an arranged friendship. Yes, nobody wants that Nobody wants that no arranged friendships.
0:16:15 – Speaker 3
You want it to be organic and beautiful and two people there because they share a common bond and they want to be friends. And so I think that’s a great point, because, especially if you live in the same place this is something I’ve learned from moving so much If you live in the same place and you establish these friendships as a young family with young kids, then it’s kind of forced friendships, because when you have one and two year olds, you know, whatever you know, they’re babies.
And so you form these sweet bonds because you’re an adult, but then your kids are growing and changing.
0:16:45 – Speaker 2
And all of this At the time they’re 13,. You can’t invite all of their friends from when they were one to their birthday party.
0:16:51 – Speaker 3
At 13 years old, they get to invite who they’re inviting to their birthday party Exactly, and we need to give our kids the okay and encourage them through that. That’s so important that they learn how to choose their own friends. They can honor and respect the friendships that were there as a part of a family, but they get to choose their own.
0:17:08 – Speaker 2
So what happens, kim, walking through our kids’ conflict resolution, because this is gonna have to happen. You know your kid is gonna have conflict with another kid and this is really what I wanna address here in this area is something that you know we’ve walked through as a family and I shared in my book. But you need to be this is like an inner circle friend. So say you have a really close friend and this could be you and me, kim, or this could be, you know, two teenagers, do you know? It just blows my mind. The word of God has some verses for us on this.
0:17:42 – Speaker 3
Absolutely, he always knows.
0:17:44 – Speaker 2
And why do we miss it?
0:17:45 – Speaker 3
We look at social media Because we don’t have time to rest and pour into the word. That’s why we miss it. Go see the Overscheduled show. Go see the.
0:17:51 – Speaker 2
Overscheduled show. That is so true. We go to social media for answers. We go to parenting books for answers. We call our friends, we call our friends and get everybody’s advice.
We Google, we don’t go to the word of God. Okay, so when I finally got my act together Matthew 18, let me read this to you. It’s in verse 15. If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then, if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
Okay, so I’ve outlined four steps in my book that correspond with these verses. Let me walk you through that. Number one go to that person privately and point out the offense. Now I want to come back to this in a minute because I want to tell you how to do that. It has to be done in kindness and with love. So we’re going to go back to that, but let me walk through these real quick. Number two bring one or two friends with you and try again to reason with your friends. Three get an authority figure involved. Okay, so in the verse it’s talking about going to the head of the church. What I’m saying is an authority figure is go to the parent. This is when we need to get to the parents involved. Is it a serious issue? And number four if nothing works, move on. Now I add here be always willing with open arms. If that person wants to come back, sure, okay, but let’s talk about that.
Number one Go to that person privately and point out the offense. This is a big one because it’s a little confrontational. You know A lot of people don’t like that. I embedded this Like I’m bad at this. If I need to confront somebody, I’ll call Kim and say hey, can you confront this person? I’m her bodyguard. I’m just joking. I want to do that sometimes, but no, that’s not what I.
But you know walking your kids through this. If your kid comes home and says I need to leave this friendship because of this, this and this, and they give you specific examples and you’re like okay, these are red alerts, these are not good things, and your child is like but I love this person and I don’t want them going down this path. They should confront them. If they’re an inner circle friend, they should try and reason with them. Now a couple of tips on this. With the social media and technology that we live in today, I recommend doing this by FaceTime or by one-on-one in person if you can, but a lot of times with busy schedules you know you’re going to have to do FaceTime or something. Do not text this.
0:20:37 – Speaker 3
No sentiment is lost in texting. There is tone.
0:20:41 – Speaker 2
The tone is lost. It can be screenshot and then forwarded to others.
0:20:47 – Speaker 1
Taking out a context.
0:20:49 – Speaker 2
Do not text this. Okay, so you need to have a one-on-one, you need to walk your kid through this. Okay, you need to pray with them beforehand. You need to tell your kid you are not perfect. You have contributed to this as well, and you need to make that clear to your friend. You need to say I know I’m not perfect. I make mistakes every day, but I am worried about you because of this choice, this choice and this choice. And be very specific. Have two or three specific things that your kid is really worried about.
0:21:19 – Speaker 3
Okay, yes, well, and let’s add in there too, if it’s not a negative thing but just a changing situation that that’s another great thing to you know, I feel like we’re drifting apart because of these reasons. And I don’t want it to be a negative situation. I just want to talk openly about it.
0:21:36 – Speaker 2
Exactly. It could be well. You are in this sport and I am in this sport and we are creating new friends, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
0:21:43 – Speaker 3
Yes, I just want to put it out there before anything bad happens.
0:21:47 – Speaker 2
Or it could be something else, where one of the friends is making bad choices, absolutely, and the other friend is saying I can’t be a part of this and so I’m worried about you. Like, you are not the same person you used to be. Okay, so that’s one. Go to that person privately and point out to the offense, do it kindly and be nice. Yeah. Number two bring one or two friends with you and try again for another reason. Again, this should be inner circle friends. This should not be frenemies. This should not be drama queens brought along to magnify this situation. This is one or two friends who are prayerfully thinking I’m worried about this person. Like you know, in our situation, she’s drinking too much or she’s really going down a path that we’re really concerned about. Like, it is for her benefit. It’s not to call her out and make her feel bad. It’s we are worried for you. We are concerned for you.
0:22:39 – Speaker 3
And you don’t want to do the gang up mentality. No, no, and I think it’s important to pray first before you do that, because it can be overwhelming to have two or three people coming to you, because it’s like an intervention if you come in with the wrong attitude.
0:22:53 – Speaker 1
When really you’re coming, because you truly just love them.
0:22:57 – Speaker 3
And so really praying that God speaks through you and speaks through your friendship with these other people to save this person or help this person or love them through it.
0:23:05 – Speaker 2
Yeah, definitely, and start out again the same way. We know we’re not perfect, we make mistakes, that kind of thing. You can talk through it. But out of love you are doing this because you’re concerned for their safety or for the choices or whatever is involved in that.
And then if that is blown off, you know if it’s a serious situation, like maybe a child is self-harming or maybe a child is starting to have sex unprotected sex, you know, or maybe drugs, like you said, or they’re being cyber bullied and nobody wants to say anything to anybody you know, and it’s a secret amongst an inner circle, nobody wants to tell anybody.
You gotta get an authority figure involved. And this is when you go to a parent and it’s probably the other person’s parent, because hopefully the person who is doing the confronting that parent’s already involved in talking them through the situation, hopefully. Yes, here’s another thing you know you have to kind of respect your child’s wishes about you calling the other parent.
0:24:05 – Speaker 3
Oh, so hard.
0:24:06 – Speaker 2
And this is hard because sometimes if somebody’s life is at stake, you have to call the other person’s parent. Yes, you know, if there’s a cyber bullying situation, a threat of suicide, that has to be and you have to tell your child. Look, we would feel horrible if this escalated. So we’ve got to tell this other parent that this is happening out of love.
0:24:26 – Speaker 3
Walking through it with your child.
0:24:27 – Speaker 2
This is like saving a life.
0:24:28 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it is absolutely and then the hardest one. You know, at the end there sometimes it just doesn’t work and you have to move on, you have to give it to Jesus, you have to lay it down and pray over that person and be willing If they come back and they ask for forgiveness or they say you know what I just didn’t understand or realize. Be willing to love them because Jesus forgave us.
0:24:48 – Speaker 2
We need to forgive others, yeah, and I would say you know, if you have a friendship where you have to walk away from that, don’t walk away with revenge or resentment in your heart. Walk away with. We’re going two different directions and I love you, sister, and I’m here anytime you need me, kind of thing, exactly.
0:25:05 – Speaker 3
Yeah, that’s a good word, girl. Yeah, I love you sister.
0:25:11 – Speaker 2
For our wrap up, here are three takeaways. One your child’s friendships will change, and that’s totally natural. Two teach your child how to handle conflict, as described in Matthew 18, starting in verse 15. Three help your child develop a healthy inner circle of friends.
0:25:32 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page