0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:30 – Speaker 2
Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 3
Today we have a show called following through. Do what you say. Easier said than done, sister. You know, a couple things come to mind when I think about this. I think about like a character trait, like being a model, like having integrity, like you know, like doing what you say you’re gonna do. Yeah, let me just pause here for this moment because let me vent for a minute. I see it in your eyes People who don’t follow through with what they say they’re gonna do. I mean it’s infuriating to me. It literally is one of my pet peeves. Yeah, like you know, you hire somebody to come do something and like they don’t show up or just anything. I mean it’s like people, if you can’t do it, just say it. Yeah, yeah, don’t commit to it right.
0:01:21 – Speaker 1
My mom, she really struggles with this, like she will lose her mind. Oh, I get bit on the smallest things. I get bitter. Yeah, absolutely, it’s an integrity issue and it feels like if you’re not gonna do it, it’s okay. Let’s just communicate about it, just let me know.
0:01:36 – Speaker 3
Just don’t say it, yeah, if you’re not gonna do it Like, if you know that you can’t get it done, yeah, it’s just, it just sends me over the edge and you know the whole love God, love others thing, like I have to remind myself of that, because I literally and like I don’t like people anymore.
Like I don’t that’s what happens to me. Like I go there, you know what, we all have our things. So there’s that. There’s the character trait, the model, the integrity, and then another thing that comes to mind when I talk about doing what you say like following through, is the discipline aspect of a parent, like with a child. Those are the things that come to my mind. I mean, yeah, well, for me too.
0:02:13 – Speaker 1
The discipline, but also the rewards. Yeah, so if you say you’re going to follow through on something to reward your child and you don’t, it works the same way. The training rewards have to be followed through on or your kids know they can’t depend on you. Yeah, not a good place to be.
0:02:28 – Speaker 3
It’s so true. Your words don’t matter, yeah, and we’ve all had that person that you know has let us down. There were you. Don’t take them at face value anymore, yeah. When they say something you kind of it just goes in one ear and out the other, because you’re like you’ve lost credibility with me.
0:02:42 – Speaker 1
I’m thinking of someone that I know, that I feel.
0:02:45 – Speaker 3
I got, I got 500. You got a list.
0:02:51 – Speaker 2
I feel like I might be on it At the top of the list.
0:03:00 – Speaker 1
No, I’m just thinking of this one person in my life that I love them dearly, but when they say something I really, until it happens, I never expected like I play it. I make other plans even because I’m like this is not going to happen ever.
0:03:13 – Speaker 3
Okay. So even small things to me, that is like the one thing I never want to be known for. Yeah, it’s just, it’s a pet peeve, like I’m. Like, let me be known for anything, even if I’m if people are like that made her bitter, I’m okay with that. Yeah, I just don’t want to be the person who is not doing what they’re saying. Not reliable, yes, like it just bothers me so much.
0:03:33 – Speaker 1
Well, let’s talk about the character trait first, like doing what you say as an integrity issue.
0:03:39 – Speaker 3
I got a story. I knew it. I got a story because, I will tell you, when we started thinking about this show, the first thing that came to mind was my husband, and let me explain that to you. I grew up. My childhood was rough Rough, I mean. People would promise things and not follow through. I remember people, family members, saying they would come visit me and pick me up, and then I remember setting on the steps crying because they wouldn’t come. I had the same thing, just just disappointment, like not following through with what you said you were going to do. That’s why it’s a pet peeve. It’s it’s. It’s a trigger, like I. That word’s probably overused, but it’s a trigger for me, sends me into a spiral, out of a hate.
0:04:24 – Speaker 2
Like.
0:04:24 – Speaker 1
I got to be careful, I’ve got to be careful, because it’s scary, it’s terrifying.
0:04:28 – Speaker 3
You’ve heard me You’ve heard me that you’ve seen the text. I’ve seen it.
0:04:33 – Speaker 1
I’ve heard it.
0:04:34 – Speaker 3
And so you know there’s a lot of hurt there for me. Yeah, and when I met Matthew, he literally was one of the first people in my life Like I’m getting ready to tear up, yeah, that everything he promised he would follow through on, like even if it killed him. Like I remember one time he told me he was going to meet me after work and he like had all these issues come up and he got there, Like because he was like I told you I’d be here and it was just one of those things that stood out to me and the more and I was, of course I had a wall up, especially with men. Quite frankly, when I met Matt, I had I was vowed no dating ever again. I’m going to be single for the rest of my life. Like I hate all male species, Like that’s where.
0:05:21 – Speaker 1
I was Like, I was like total, 100%, feminist.
0:05:26 – Speaker 3
And so when I met, Matt and he started following through, with little things just showing up. When he said doing what he said he was going to do and I saw that his words and his actions matched it did something to me and it was literally like I felt safe with him. I saw myself like melting, like being able to let Coming down.
0:05:51 – Speaker 1
Yes, and I think now.
0:05:52 – Speaker 3
I’m going to be able to see that and I think now I think about that a lot like having a teenager and how, if I am her safe place and she knows that she can confide in me and I’m not going to share her secrets or, you know, post it, I see her confiding in me more and it’s again the words are matching, Like I’m modeling that for her and I just always think of Matthew being my first model in that and how it really changed my perspective. Like this is an important thing to do. What you say you’re going to do and follow through, I mean it really does make a difference.
0:06:29 – Speaker 1
My mom came from a very broken childhood and one of the things she vowed is that she would always do what she said, even if it killed her. Like that was important to her above anything else. Like you may not have food, you may not have clothes, but I will be there. And so I can relate to that completely, in that I remember if she said she was going to be at my basketball game or at my judo competition, like she may come in crawling and at the last minute, but she would be there.
And what that did is. It created this safe place for me, this foundation where I knew that, no matter what, there was someone I could depend on. Like it never crossed my mind that, even if I messed up or did something bad or made a bad choice, that she wouldn’t be there. And that created the stability that allowed me to make mistakes and to venture out and try new things. And it was a beautiful thing. And so it made a huge impact on me and set an expectation also for my life and what I look for in other people and what I looked for in my spouse, because it speaks such volumes to safety and trust when you know that you can depend on someone who will always do what they say.
0:07:40 – Speaker 3
When I went to Matt about people not following through with what they say. You know, when I’ll be like this person’s not safe for me anymore, like I’m sorry. If they can’t do this little task that they promised, then they’ve lost the credibility with me.
0:07:52 – Speaker 1
you know you have a high standard.
0:07:53 – Speaker 3
I do, and Matt often tells me that he said it would be really hard to be your friend, like because you have a high standard. And I just have a high standard because I see what a difference it makes. Like I’ve had the no trust and I’ve had the trust and the following through is big to me. It’s a big quality that I look for in friends and I talk to my kids about looking for it in their friends. You know, like this is a big deal but at the same time I do have to watch that I’m not being too judgmental, that I’m not being too full of expectations. Where it’s crazy, you know and allow for grace because people are gonna mess up. I think the thing for me is just if they acknowledge it, like I’m sorry I didn’t come through for you on that, I messed up, I’m fine with that, but it’s the ignoring it and just acting like-.
0:08:45 – Speaker 1
Rushing it under the rug.
0:08:47 – Speaker 3
Yes, it’s the brushing it under the rug, like well, I said I was gonna do it and I didn’t do it, so now I’m just gonna avoid her for the next four months.
0:08:54 – Speaker 2
Like that.
0:08:54 – Speaker 3
I cannot even own your stuff people. That’s what I’m gonna say own it, Because I fall short all the time. Right, Kim, and I’m owning it Like I’ll text you and I’ll be like I totally I’m sorry, it’s just not getting done today.
0:09:09 – Speaker 1
I will say that, even though you have a high standard, you hold yourself to that as well. You do what you say.
0:09:15 – Speaker 3
Well, and I fall short. We all fall short, but just own it own your stuff.
0:09:21 – Speaker 1
It is important and it really does impact your kids in a big way.
0:09:25 – Speaker 3
Well, and so many times we get mad at our kids because we’re like they messed up and they won’t even admit to it. Well, I wonder where they’re getting that from.
0:09:33 – Speaker 1
You are on a roll today, it’s us.
0:09:35 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and so we have to be the model.
0:09:38 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and I think that’s really hard sometimes. We set these standards because we want the best for our kids. You know, we want them to be better than us, we want them to do the right thing. But, my goodness, we do not hold ourselves to that standard and we’re the one. We’re the model, the in-home model, for what they’re looking to or who they’re looking to as to how they behave.
0:09:58 – Speaker 3
Well, and let’s even think about this from a cyber parenting standpoint. I mean, I have been caught red handed breaking my own rules.
0:10:03 – Speaker 1
I think everyone has.
0:10:04 – Speaker 3
We have the rule no phone in bedrooms or bathrooms. And of course, dad gets his phone in the bedroom because of work and he may need to get a work call in the middle of the night, but he’s not surfing the internet at 2 am. You know, like he, there’s parameters, he’s a balance with it. It’s just sitting there if he needs to answer it. But like in the bathroom, like I’m guilty of having my phone in the bathroom and my kid will come in and be like what are you doing? Yeah, like this is our family guideline and I have to admit, like you’re right, like it’s true, even though I’m an adult, I still could take a picture accidentally of something not okay. Yeah, and so we have to be the model.
0:10:46 – Speaker 1
If you set the guidelines, you gotta follow along with them. Let’s follow through. Yeah, for us. We have no phones at the table and it is like a constant conversation. My husband will grab it. We’ll be talking about something Like oh, we’re gonna go strawberry picking. He’d be like oh. Let’s.
Google it, yes, and he’ll grab his phone and the kids are like dad, no phones at the table, and we’re so used to having access to everything immediately. It’s real easy to break that rule, but we try super hard to hold each other accountable, because I know if my kid had a phone and they were sitting there Googling it, I’d be like what are you doing Exactly? You are so disrespectful. In my head, you know, I’d be thinking that oh, I say it, I’ve said it. Yes, Well, we don’t have phones yet. But I imagine that that’s how it would look. Oh your blood just boils.
0:11:30 – Speaker 3
It does. When you see your kid on a phone and I’ve said it sometimes Like I’m like why are you on your phone? Yes, and she will literally like show me her phone. And she’s like I’m texting my youth pastor right now.
0:11:41 – Speaker 1
And I’m like oh.
0:11:43 – Speaker 3
Like about a verse that they’re looking at. And you just shrivel up. You’re like oh, I just thought the worst and I shouldn’t have thought the worst.
0:11:49 – Speaker 1
Yes, it’s hard to follow our own guidelines, but it sets the standard and it also allows you to uphold it, because if you’re upholding it, it makes you more credible when you’re holding your kid to it.
0:12:00 – Speaker 3
Well, they’re more apt to follow the rules if we’re following them. Yeah, I mean, that’s the thing I remember. One time I was, my son was this was a couple of years ago, but he was I would distinctly remember it he was at the island and he was doing homework and I was texting and he was asking me how to spell a word. And you know, when you’re in the middle of a text and you’re like I just gotta get through this. And it was a work text, it was. I remember it was a next-top text and I said, baba, please give me a minute. And all fell silent.
0:12:29 – Speaker 2
And I knew.
0:12:29 – Speaker 3
I knew in the moment that I had messed up big time. And you know, a couple minutes later there was anger and frustration on his part and everything.
0:12:39 – Speaker 2
You broke a rule.
0:12:40 – Speaker 3
And I remember I went to him and I apologized First I had to take a walk. I literally got the dogs and went on a walk. So I was so mad at myself and I was mad at the situation, and I because I knew I hadn’t followed through with my own rules and I was disappointed in myself.
0:12:53 – Speaker 1
Well, because your rule is no cell phones during homework time.
0:12:56 – Speaker 3
Well, at that point it was just limited cell phone. We didn’t have that actual rule.
But because of that day we created a new rule For me that from now on, when I’m working with him on homework, I will set it aside and it will be in another room and I hold true to that now. But even now it’s hard to follow through on that and there’s have been some exceptions where I’ll say look, I have an emergency, I have to have my phone today just for this reason. But you know, I talk it through Instead of just plowing through and not and not following my own rules, I explain like there’s an exception today. Again, it goes back to the conversation.
0:13:33 – Speaker 1
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0:14:02 – Speaker 2
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0:14:34 – Speaker 3
So see you around. Alright, today we’re talking about following through and we’ve talked about the first thing that kind of came to mind was like just the integrity, like having the integrity to follow through because it gives you credibility with with your kids, with your husband or friends co-workers, friends, everybody the people you volunteer with, like it just gives you credibility if you follow through.
And if you don’t follow through, you’re known. You’re known as the person that just don’t ask him, because and and they literally what they say goes in one ear and out the other, because they’ve lost the credibility.
0:15:10 – Speaker 1
The bottom line is don’t say it unless we mean it. Yeah, don’t do it, just don’t say it. You can think it and you can plan on it, but if you’re not sure you can follow through, then you don’t need to say it.
0:15:19 – Speaker 3
I’ve even gotten to the point where you, like, you’ve said can you get this done by this day? Yeah, and I’m like, listen, that can be my goal, but I’m not promising anything. Yeah, you know, like that’s a thing that I’ve started saying now it’s my goal, but I can’t promise because I’ve got kids and things pop up and people get sick and all kinds of things happen and then I’m not following through with what I say. So that’s hard. It’s finding new ways to say it. Yeah, it really is. So let’s talk about the other thing we talked about, about following three, like it as a parent, yes, hard. Like I said discipline. You said rewards, which I think is so important.
0:15:56 – Speaker 1
both of them, yeah, absolutely, you know, and my kids were really little. I still I’m lying. I probably did this last week.
0:16:04 – Speaker 3
Oh my gosh, I was so bad at this when they were like two and three, and it’s like everything that you’re having to discipline on.
0:16:09 – Speaker 1
Yes, I mean, I would say things like you know, if you don’t pick up that doll, I will get the spanky spoon, because I was just at the end, but I knew I wasn’t going to spank her. Well, and I was getting the doll. Not getting the doll right away, what?
0:16:23 – Speaker 3
happens is she doesn’t pick up the doll, and then you don’t do anything, and then I say it like five times and then it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. We have to follow through. I remember I would be so guilty. I would say this all the time if you don’t try at least everything on your dinner plate, you will not be watching cartoons in the morning. Yeah well, what would happen?
You’re watching cartoons in the morning because I needed to work. Yeah, sister, I’m working from home. I need that. I need that hour of cartoons in the morning. Like I needed it when they were little and so I lost credibility. So every night I would say to dinner guess what? They never tried anything new because they were like I’m still going to get cartoons tomorrow. Mom has to work.
0:17:00 – Speaker 1
She doesn’t mean what she’s saying. I would I messed it up and we all do because you’re in that moment and you’re just trying to stay sane and get your kid to eat the food or pick up the doll, yeah, and it comes out, but you learn that it doesn’t work and you got to try something new. And so if you’re going to say it, if you threaten it, you have got to follow through.
0:17:20 – Speaker 3
Yeah, you know one of the things that I say to parents now you know, like if you’re going to threaten to take away screens, but like if you work from home or you have something coming up or you know you and your spouse have to talk tonight for an hour and you’re depending on that hour of cartoons or whatever, don’t threaten it If you know that that is your time, that you need. Like, sometimes we threaten things and it’s more of a, it’s more of a discipline to us. It is.
0:17:45 – Speaker 1
I hear that all the time.
0:17:47 – Speaker 3
It’s like I needed that hour for me to just regroup and I took it away and now I don’t have it and it’s like we’re discipline ourselves.
0:17:54 – Speaker 1
I feel like my husband is gonna die when I take away the Wii. You know they only play it for a few hours Thursday through Sunday. That’s our thing Thursday night after they finish their schoolwork. And man, if something happens, even if I just say, okay, do the rest of the today tonight, like his eyes get real big, like no, we need that hour Because it’s hard when you’re, when you have a lot of time that you spend with your kids.
You know, if you’re playing game with it and you’re at sports and you’re really pouring into your kids, you need a minute, yes, and if that’s your minute, oh my goodness, you feel like what have I done?
0:18:30 – Speaker 3
Well, and working from home. You know single parents, yes, they need that downtime. I mean screens are good for that, as long as they’re watching good content that you filtered and approved and whatever. I mean it’s helpful in that way, and I, you know we don’t want to say that our kids are never on screens. They are, yeah, but we’re just saying like you can’t say I’m going to take it away because they’re doing something wrong, and then you don’t, because you need that, yeah, screen time.
0:18:56 – Speaker 1
Well, and watch the time limit too. This happens all the time. You know. We will say things out of anger in the moment and it’s ridiculous, like we all know it’s. I am taking away your tablet for two years.
0:19:09 – Speaker 3
Oh, I get that all of all the time, like parents will call me and they’ll be like okay, I found porn. I took away the phone for a year, yeah, and I’m like wait a minute Are you really taking away the phone?
0:19:21 – Speaker 1
You’re setting up everyone in the situation for failure.
0:19:23 – Speaker 3
Well, and let me just say too, taking away a teenager’s phone. Let me just talk about this for a second, because the minute they go to school they’re on somebody else’s phone. Or guys, there are like kids in schools that are brilliant and they are starting businesses Like they’re bringing old cell phones to school and selling them to people.
0:19:40 – Speaker 1
Yeah, I think that’s amazing that they came up with that. It’s not great for us.
0:19:44 – Speaker 3
It’s like an entrepreneurial genius. Like they’re finding a need in their media. Yeah, it is a genius. That’s the next.
0:19:51 – Speaker 1
Bill Gates right there, but he says that on average, kids will bring three and four devices to the lunch table and they’ll just pass them out.
0:19:57 – Speaker 3
Oh yeah, they do, because kids are like I got your back, I’ll bring my iPad for you, since your parents took your phone away. So if they still want to look at porn, they’re going to look at porn, because those devices probably don’t have restrictions set, I mean, other than our devices should. And so I always tell parents taking away their phone is a consequence. If that is their currency, they love their phone. How I do it in my home is hey sister, when you get home today, you’re checking your phone in with me and you’re staying in an open area of the house. So I know she’s not on an iPad somewhere in the room doing whatever she wants to do, and so that’s your consequence and so. But I’d never take it away from school because she’s just going to go get on somebody else’s. Yeah.
0:20:39 – Speaker 1
And you don’t know what’s on that device.
0:20:40 – Speaker 3
Like you said, and literally like, if we have a bad morning and something goes down or something, I’ll be like okay, I love you, but tonight you’re going to check your phone in with me it’s a phone free night and she’ll know it before she even gets home Like, okay, I’m like. I’m like snap all your peeps, because when you get home.
0:20:56 – Speaker 1
When you get home, you’re not snapping. I think that’s just the point is make sure your consequences are realistic, not just for your kids, also for you. Make sure it’s their currency, yes, cause you want it to work. You know, if they don’t care about the phone, don’t take the phone away. Yes, oh, I had this mom and I, you know, I was just cringing inside because I have been that mom too, where she’s like.
I took away my kid’s iPad for a month because he had, like, unlocked it. I was, he was a whole thing and I said, oh, my goodness, okay, well, that was good, you know, that’s something you needed to do, and she’s like. But I realized after that he doesn’t use the iPad ever. He only uses his gaming system on the TV to have social interaction and he plays Fortnite and all the things. That’s his currency. That’s his currency and she’s like I took away the wrong thing, but now it’s too late and I said so. You have to figure out their currency, you have to have an effective punishment and then you have to follow through.
0:21:50 – Speaker 3
And let me just add, you have to be on the same page with your spouse. Yes, I was. I was at a conference one time and I was getting, I was traveling home and the whole next week we had off from school, so I was looking forward to some downtime for me, for the kids, for everything. Right, I get a text from my husband oh, I remember this, you were at the conference with me and he says hey, our son just lost the X-Box for two weeks and I’m dying inside because I’m like I need that X-Box this week, like not a lot, but I need the X-Box a little bit and so.
But it had already been spoken two weeks and so I did have a conversation with my husband. I was like privately, not in front of the kids, and I was like, hey, next time can we talk about it before you issue the punishment? Cause I get that something needed to happen, like I get that I needed to be a consequence, but maybe we could have talked about maybe a limit or something instead of just taking it away, because now you’ve kind of like I have to work next week and the kids are home and I need some help here, kind of thing. So now we’ve gotten better. So recently it happened he lost it again, losing it.
0:22:59 – Speaker 2
That’s his currency, the.
0:23:00 – Speaker 3
Xbox the gaming is his currency. Recently he lost it again and I loved how my husband handled it. He told my son. He said I’m gonna talk to mom and we are gonna come up and figure out the exact punishment. And I was like thank you so much.
0:23:14 – Speaker 1
Yes, that’s so good, Because now we’re not and then what we decided to do.
0:23:18 – Speaker 3
My husband was like two weeks is what I’m thinking. And I said no, you know, I think we need to say it’s indefinite. I think he needs to set in this for a minute Because I wanna see how he handles it and then, if he’s great in five days and like he’s recognizing his attitudes better, then we can reimplement. And so we took it day by day. We were like we’re just gonna see how you function without this. I like that, I like that. And that worked well. Really, it really worked well.
0:23:46 – Speaker 1
The same goes with rewards. If you promise your kids that you’re gonna reward them something when they follow through and then you forget or you change your mind or you keep putting it off, it tells them that what you have asked them to do does not really matter, cause you’re not gonna do what you said. And I have been guilty of this by promising something like, hey, if we all work hard and do this, we’re gonna play basketball, I promise, and then something happens and then you’re too tired.
You’re too tired. Either I’m too tired or like homework is a little longer.
0:24:11 – Speaker 3
Is that time of the month and you’re like I cannot shoot a basketball.
0:24:14 – Speaker 1
Yes, I hate basketball or it gets dark before I thought. And my kids, because they’re young especially.
I said it and that was a promise, and so all they know is that mom breaks her promises and they remember everything like elephants. And so I stopped promising. I had to change it up. So now I say let’s plan to do this when you do that, and if not today, as soon as I can make it work, we will do it. And so that is my new thing. I’m like, as soon as I can make it work, this is what we’re gonna do.
0:24:41 – Speaker 3
That’s good cause, you’re not setting a standard. The same thing goes for like dating. So many people are like well, when you’re 16, you can date. Well, what if you get to 16 and they’re not ready yet? You know, don’t set the, you don’t put yourself in Don’t put yourself in a box.
In a cell phone contract. I’ve seen so many that says turn in your phone at eight o’clock, no, no, every night’s different. I just wanna say this verse as you’re wrapping it Proverbs 10, 19,. I love the message version. The more talk, the less truth. The wise measure their words. We gotta think before we speak, so we can follow through.
0:25:13 – Speaker 1
We must follow through and do what we say. That is just so significant. Also, words followed with actions build credibility and trust and it’s our job to train our kids. God calls us to do that biblically. That will take follow through, as we discipline with consequences and parent with rewards.
0:25:34 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
