0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:31 – Speaker 2
Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:35 – Speaker 3
Today we’re talking about dating in the digital age. Not for us, that would be weird. We’re married.
0:00:42 – Speaker 4
Yeah, that’s why we had to bring them. We’re married. We have spouses.
0:00:45 – Speaker 3
We do. I’m not going to lie. I have had nightmares of what it’d be like to date nowadays, because it’s so different than when I was young, and that is why we brought on Hadley, bristol, beautiful 22-year-old young lady, to give us insight into what it’s like to be dating at this time in history. I mean, it’s totally different. So we wanted some real-world stats on what it’s like.
0:01:08 – Speaker 4
And before we get going, Hadley, tell us just a little bit about yourself.
0:01:12 – Speaker 1
So yes, I’m 22. I live here in San Antonio, Texas, Face of the Sun. It’s very, very hot. I just graduated from Baylor and I’m going to go get my master’s divinity at Vanderbilt Awesome.
0:01:27 – Speaker 3
And then Asheville.
0:01:29 – Speaker 1
Yes in literally 13 days Awesome.
0:01:32 – Speaker 4
Congratulations. So you’re just graduated undergraduate degree, So I’m sure dating has changed since I was in college, because when I was in college we didn’t even have cell phones.
0:01:44 – Speaker 3
Right.
0:01:45 – Speaker 4
And I’m like I would never let my child do that now. And then we think about tracking them and whatever. But dating is a whole other thing, right, because I mean kids can, like they try and get out of we used to call it courting They try and get out of Courting.
0:02:02 – Speaker 3
How old, are you? You?
0:02:04 – Speaker 4
know what I’m saying. I’m not so sure you’re from. When Calls the Heart. Does anybody watch that? Watch that You didn’t call it show. Watch the show.
0:02:11 – Speaker 3
Watch the show Hallmark Channel. So we’re old. But cell phones kind of came around when you were in 6th grade, so for me it was pagers, like we learned how to write words on a pager or a beeper?
0:02:21 – Speaker 4
Do you remember pagers? Like doctors wave before me. Yeah and they would like if my husband now then boyfriend that we he had a pager when I dated him And if he wanted me to call him back he would leave the his number and then it would be like 9-1-1. And he had to go find a phone, but call you back immediately And then you had to go call, have a pay phone, because we didn’t have a phone.
0:02:39 – Speaker 1
Yes, I can’t even like. I’m trying to understand how that works.
0:02:41 – Speaker 3
I know. And then we played our record player. You were liking us like that. So tell us, 6th grade, cell phones kind of came around. Your mama had a smartphone when you were about a freshman, I’m guessing.
0:02:53 – Speaker 1
Yeah, so, um, that’s crazy. I remember like the first iPhone came out when I was like in 4th grade and everyone was like whoa.
0:03:00 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it was just crazy. It was just crazy.
0:03:02 – Speaker 1
When you really think about it, it’s so crazy. all this stuff Yeah, you can do it on a smartphone, and I just remember it was you can go on the internet on a phone, and it was just. It’s hard to fathom.
0:03:11 – Speaker 4
It is So how old were you when you got your first phone?
0:03:14 – Speaker 1
So I was in 6th grade, i just had this super cool little blue flip phone, yeah, which was just you know No internet, no internet, it was just, and it was like the old school, like razor, so you had to push like one button, like 17 times.
0:03:28 – Speaker 4
Yes, one letter you know like and I was, i had a pink razor. You had a pink one. We’ve come a long way since then.
0:03:33 – Speaker 1
And it was my mom’s old phone and, for whatever reason, she had set the ringtone to the Air Force because my dad went to the Air Force Academy. It was the Air Force Academy, like little march.
0:03:45 – Speaker 3
Oh my goodness.
0:03:46 – Speaker 2
And it would go off and it would be like the Air Force.
0:03:49 – Speaker 1
Okay, but yeah, it was just for like calling home and stuff, and at the time my dad was deployed, so it was really important that I had a phone to call my mom when school was out and things, because you know she’s pretty much single parenting, so it was really important. But yeah, i was like 12 and that is all it was so cool Do you remember when you got social?
media, oh my gosh. Yes, i’m still not a big social media person. It stresses me out, but, like everyone else, my age, right, i have it. I feel like I have to have it. Let’s see, instagram came around when I was a freshman or sophomore in high school And I just remember thinking, like what is this? My mom had an Instagram before I did Wow yeah, and surprisingly, my mom also had a Twitter before I did Smart lady, and I was like I don’t wanna do this. She’s like, no, all your friends are gonna do it, you know, really encouraging me, but yeah, and it just kind of changed everything.
0:04:47 – Speaker 3
Now, you started dating when you were like 17, 18.
0:04:49 – Speaker 2
So social media was a thing by then.
0:04:51 – Speaker 3
Yes, so how do you feel like social media has affected dating?
0:04:55 – Speaker 1
So social media itself. It’s so hard to explain to people a way of dating without social media. You know it’s so ingrained in everything in our communications. Like you make friends, like when I started as a freshman at Baylor, you immediately follow Like as many people as you can who are going to Baylor, cause you’re like, oh, and then I can network And you know it’s like a thing you do. And it just with dating you know if the nice thing that Instagram does is if you follow someone it shows at the top of their account what mutual friends you have. So you can see like, oh, he knows so and so and so and so And like I was in a sorority in college So it’d be like, oh, you could see what people like a guy you might like happen to know and in common with you, so you could reach out to, like a sorority sister or something like, oh well, someone like I’m interested in this guy named Mark And do you know anything about him.
0:05:53 – Speaker 3
So you can have this whole research.
0:05:55 – Speaker 1
Yes, you can do research. You do research, it’s way easier.
0:05:57 – Speaker 4
Parents. This is kind of a perk for us.
0:05:59 – Speaker 2
Like, let me just say it’s a perk.
0:06:02 – Speaker 4
but you have to be careful with this parents, you cannot friend request them. If your kid has a crush on a doll, or you cannot start commenting on their stuff like you’re their best friend. Like don’t comment parents on social media. Really, don’t comment on Instagram and all that You can. Like their stuff, don’t comment. But we have to be careful with this Cause we can do research, too, on who our kids are crushing. Mom does.
0:06:22 – Speaker 1
But she is not ashamed about it Cause my again. My mom had an Instagram before, i think, like anyone did, so she understood really well how it worked. And if I started talking about someone at home, just like, oh, you know, just you know this guy in chemistry or whatever I don’t know And she would be like, oh, and she would, you know, find his Instagram, find his Facebook. Very discreetly And she’d be like, well, a, b and C, i know this about him, this is his mom, this is his mother.
0:06:46 – Speaker 4
There’s a Bobbaverse on that bio. This is looking good. That’s literally, That’s really a good. That’s what I do Like when I see a Bobbaverse, I’m like, oh, we got a Bobbaverse on the bio.
0:06:55 – Speaker 1
It’s a good day. It’s a good sign. They got a point.
0:06:58 – Speaker 3
They got a point. So doing research I guess can be a good thing.
0:07:02 – Speaker 1
Yeah, It is easier and it’s harder to hide things. Like if a guy starts following you and it’s like, oh, we have mutual friends, cool. And he starts kind of liking your pictures, and you’re like, oh, okay, i think he might be, he might be kind of interested in me. Where he starts on Instagram, you have Instagram stories, so you post a little story and it’s something that Expires after 24 hours and it’s just like what you did that day. And if he like comments on your Instagram story, like, oh, cute dog, or I don’t know whatever you’re doing, or that avocado toast Looks great, or just as being very interactive, you’re like, okay, Maybe, maybe he’s interested in me. and then you can like click on his profile, me and see and oh well, he has lots of pictures of him doing keg stands and that’s not really my thing At all. So you can be like oh sorry, i’m not, you can immediately know.
0:07:54 – Speaker 4
Like so the benefit is you can kind of weed people out Oh fast, which is super nice.
0:07:59 – Speaker 1
I mean, that’s a perk, for sure, because people post what they want to be seen as on social media. So if somebody wants to be seen as like hey, i’m a frat guy in college who likes to party, you’re gonna know it on their Instagram.
0:08:13 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and it’s a good point.
0:08:14 – Speaker 1
Like I’m not really into the whole party scene So I’m gonna pass On that. So it is nice to and you can see what people are tagged in. So even if they’re trying to do that whole Party thing kind of on the on the down low, Yeah you can see what they’re tagged in, you can see what they’ve liked, and I think every girl knows how. Every single girl And boy knows how to do this on people’s Instagram. It’s just so obvious, it’s just right there for you to see.
0:08:39 – Speaker 3
So look at it.
0:08:41 – Speaker 1
People look at it.
0:08:41 – Speaker 4
Yeah, i think that’s a good point. I would also think. I mean, i think when we grew up, kim, it was kind of like, you know, we had to be invested in a date or two before we could figure that information out. Sometimes 20, yeah, and then you’re like I just spent the last month and this is bad, you know.
Yeah so I think this is a perk that sometimes we miss that you can weed out the bad and, and also parents, that you can do your Little research, as long as you’re not embarrassing your kids by just great, yeah, what about dating apps?
0:09:10 – Speaker 3
because that’s something, too, that was not around, you know, when we were young, and that that freaks me out a little bit. I’m gonna be honest, yeah, but I haven’t you know. Haven’t you met people, though, that are married and have great marriages and actually met on dating?
0:09:22 – Speaker 4
Well, and I there was a- story just this last week that a child was a teenager was killed on a dating App from somebody or that and. That’s where I go. I go to freak out, But it is kind of standard to.
0:09:36 – Speaker 1
I mean, there’s a lot of people that meet online now so 40% Yes, and I look at that is a real statistic. Yeah.
0:09:43 – Speaker 3
I believe it.
0:09:44 – Speaker 4
But I think we, i think we have to have one. This needs to be for older kids like 18 plus, that I think goes without saying.
0:09:51 – Speaker 1
Yeah, um, it is. Dating apps are not for children, because dating apps have adults on them. Yeah, and adults who are looking for everything from a Very blatant sexual relationship to marriage and kids and a dog. Yes, so I think if you’re 17, you probably should not be on a dating app. Yes, absolutely.
0:10:12 – Speaker 4
So definitely for older kids. Yeah, well, older, i would say adults. At that point You’re not a kid anymore.
0:10:17 – Speaker 1
Most of them, i think are 18 plus yeah because they had legal issues with. You know, a 26 year old talking to a 17 year old, which obviously is not okay or safe.
0:10:27 – Speaker 3
So well, and I think that you know People are running at such a fast pace and so busy and you could speak to that. I’m sure that dating apps appeal to your generation because it’s easier it is easier.
0:10:40 – Speaker 1
Even in College people use them. There’s distinct ones, like there’s bumble, which is I’ve never used it, but it’s like the woman initiates it, like she gets to pick and which men she likes and she gets to initiate the conversations. So a lot of girls use it because it’s really empowering and they’re not gonna have a bunch of weird guys making them feel uncomfortable on an app. But In college, yeah, you’re busy, you’re doing classes. I was in 18 hours this last semester and I have a dog, so it was like I’m unless I meet my Prince charming in like a library or my living room.
0:11:15 – Speaker 3
Or walking the dog.
0:11:16 – Speaker 1
Walking the dog, it’s like poop, it’s never gonna happen and, but especially, i feel like outside of college, like You don’t have mixers outside of college, you don’t have college sponsored events where it’s like you know. Like a meet and greet, yeah, or I think Baylor did dances and stuff like fun things where you can meet people, and I had lots of friends who met their like husbands at Baylor, like just sitting in the dining hall.
Yeah, or they sat next to each other in class, yeah, and stuff like that, and that’s a lot harder I feel like to do in the real world.
0:11:51 – Speaker 3
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0:12:20 – Speaker 2
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0:12:46 – Speaker 4
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You had mentioned Bumble as one of the apps And I think parents kind of freak out about this because for so long we warned our kids about online strangers You know we’re worried about sex traffickers And then all of a sudden they go to college and they’re like hey mom, i’m using this online dating app And sometimes parents freak out about it. Right, but have you used any? I have, it’s a recent thing, and tell us about it. What app and did you like it? Did you feel safe?
0:13:19 – Speaker 1
on it. So I should just do a disclaimer I really don’t date. It’s an intentional choice on my part that I wanted to be focused on my life and school and especially my relationship with Christ. So I’m not. you know, plenty of women do and plenty of men do. They just go on dates And it’s cool, and it’s fun and that’s great. That is not me. I’m intentionally single most of the time and I really enjoy it. But right about the time I graduated from Baylor, i had gone to Austin with some friends and one of my friends was like oh, i just met this great guy on this dating app called Hinge And I was like girl, that’s sketchy, you should not be on dating apps.
She was like the pants? No, you were. And I have a lot of friends who will not use them and they’re like no, no, no, no, no, no. They’re like that’s so scary It freaks me out a little bit.
0:14:07 – Speaker 4
I’m not joking, it freaks me out.
0:14:09 – Speaker 1
It’s not like everyone who was over 18 is like, yeah, dating apps, that’s great, we’re all waiting for a meat. Cute, you know, we’re all waiting for a. I met him at a coffee shop and he bought me a latte and you know something really adorable and hallmark, movie-esque. But yeah. So this friend told me she was just try Hinge, it’s just for fun, and I was like you know what? I am 22 years old, i just want to see, i’m just curious and I just want to not be afraid of something and have that experience. And now I’m able to tell you all about it. But I downloaded Hinge and it’s a pretty like classy app. There’s because there’s so so many dating apps and dating websites and there’s ones like Tinder which are pretty much distinctly for hooking up. Hinge was their whole like slogan. Is the app meant to be deleted because they want you to like meet someone? And I put my location to Nashville, where I was not going to be moving for like three months.
0:15:12 – Speaker 4
See, this is a good to me. This is smart because this is protection from crazy people. I was like you would do that.
0:15:19 – Speaker 1
I’m like literally sitting in the backseat of a car, like driving from Austin to Waco, which is like a two hour drive, and I was like I’m going to make myself a profile. So I did And I was just immediately like all of these guys were like you have like a profile and they like your picture, and if you like their picture then you match with them and then you can talk to them.
0:15:39 – Speaker 4
So do you talk digitally, like, like messaging?
0:15:42 – Speaker 1
within the message app okay within the app. So most of them were really nice guys. They were like and with most of the apps you can put in like height specifications, age specifications, political specifications.
Wow, it was like okay And like literally everything and where you live and how far you want them to live from where you live. So I put in like 22 to 27,. Six foot, because I like tall guys six foot within you know, 20 miles of where I will be living in Asheville, and it was, like you know, hundreds and hundreds of guys And there were like lawyers and doctors and football coaches And you can message any of them and they can message you, or only if you only if you both like each other.
Okay, so it’s like a mutual thing. So I talked to plenty of nice guys on there. I, i and they were really nice And I was just like, okay, i’m not really interested in anything, so I believe that, but it’s nice to know, and they were all really nice and respectful.
0:16:44 – Speaker 4
But you’ve never met it with someone, because I always wonder like do they say, they’re six foot, and then you meet them and they’re four foot 800 pounds?
0:16:52 – Speaker 1
Right, you worry that they can do that Cat fishing. You know what I mean.
0:16:56 – Speaker 4
Yes, Yes, i’ve heard, yes, i’ve heard that.
0:16:58 – Speaker 1
Okay, but you know I I’m just really comfortable right now being single, but I’m really glad that I did that. So it wasn’t something that I was scared of. And a lot of times I feel like single people. You’re like well, i’m not meeting anyone in church. My whole church is filled with old people. I’m not meeting anyone at church. I’m not meeting anyone at school. I’m too busy, i’m working all the time. But I want a relationship. So it is nice, cause you can take things into your own hands. There’s kind of a built in safety net with dating apps because Everyone on there is looking to date, so you’re not gonna get shot down like you would in the real world Rejected Yeah by someone who’s like actually I’m in a relationship or I’m not interested in dating because everyone there is looking to date.
0:17:46 – Speaker 4
on dating So I’ve heard this before, this argument that this is also a good and bad thing. Tell me your feelings on it. So we’re talking from a 22 year old perspective, but let’s talk about from a 12 or 13 year old boy or girl, and they’re maybe have a crush on somebody.
you know, That they now can use the DM, instagram to kind of see if that person’s interested, they can start talking, and so that way, if they’re rejected, it’s not as humiliating as when I grew up. It was literally like shot down in front of the whole class and then the kid’s face turns red and everything. And so what do you think about that? Like, talk about that, like what.
0:18:28 – Speaker 1
Well, like I said, it’s I said earlier, it is impossible, i think, for anyone my generation and especially younger to explain to anyone dating or having any communication without social media.
0:18:42 – Speaker 4
Yeah, it’s just foreign, it’s like I So we gotta teach our kids how to do.
0:18:46 – Speaker 1
I mean, we gotta teach them, yeah, and it’s just you know, it becomes just part of your every day, is it? you go on Instagram, like and like I talked about Instagram stories earlier and I have, you know, all my friends that I follow and all my friend will post a cute picture on our Instagram story, like, oh, she did yoga and all like, send a little heart emoji, like, oh, that’s so cute, And you know, one of a good friend of mine or something. But a lot of times, like I said earlier, you know guys will start to use that, Or girls I’ve done that to guys. I’m like oh, he’s cute, Like I’m just gonna start liking his pictures more and stuff, and it’s just digital flirting and it’s everyone does it.
0:19:24 – Speaker 3
Do you think it makes it harder once? I mean, when does the actual physical interaction be in? And I don’t mean sex, i mean when you actually meet in person.
0:19:32 – Speaker 4
For ice cream or dinner. Yeah, is it awkward Cause?
0:19:35 – Speaker 3
oh my goodness, you have to have a face to face conversation.
0:19:38 – Speaker 4
I think at some point you expect that right.
0:19:40 – Speaker 1
You do the digital flirting, you may move into the DMs And then usually in my experience cause this has happened to me before and this is super common in college and just life and stuff at this point in our day and age you have someone like I had a guy follow me and he started liking my pictures, like my pictures, and I was like okay, and he would start commenting on my stories and like more frequently than was just platonic, and I was like okay, and then he would message me and he said you know, sometime I would really like to.
You seem like such an awesome person and we have mutual friends and, um, i really like what the pictures you post and the things that you say and I would love to take you out to dinner sometime. And, um, i was like, okay, you know, we did have mutual friends. I think I’d met him like once before in passing and he’s seemed like a nice guy and his Instagram checked out and I was like, okay, so this was like a year ago. And then over summer we just messaged on Instagram and then we hung out and, uh, walked my dog when I, um, we got back to school and, um, i knew off the bat I was like I’m not interested in dating, i’m not interested in dating you, but he actually became one of my really really good friends you knew right away in person.
I knew before that she was like, but I, you know, sometimes it’s just nice to see and instead of shutting someone down immediately but, that’s usually. Uh, usually how it goes is interesting. Usually at one point you exchange numbers with that person, like your cell phone number so you can actually talk or you just text, you text, okay, you talk.
0:21:12 – Speaker 3
I’m sorry, i’m sorry.
I prefer talking on the phone like a phone call, but I’m an old school, i am well, and then that begs the other question which I’ve heard from high schoolers that say the hard part about dating in the digital ages because the process is digital, for so long someone could be talking to like ten people at the same time, oh yeah, and so you never really know where you stand, if you’re taken seriously well, usually, if you get to the point where you’re texting in person and then you actually go on date dates, then you’re pretty, you’re pretty sure but what if you get stuck in that rut where it’s just the digital stuff and then they never move past it?
0:21:49 – Speaker 4
I mean to me you just move on right, exactly like I say girl, you move on they’re clearly just you only give it a certain amount of time in this digital space before you’re like five minutes before you’re like we gotta move into the real, like face to face interaction.
0:22:06 – Speaker 1
I’ve had guys who I definitely have not met and do not know, but we have mutual friends from school or whatever and they follow me and then they immediately like like five of my pictures and then start messaging me and my DMs and like oh my gosh, you’re so pretty and stuff, and I block them because I’m like I don’t know you. That’s I feel uncomfortable, sorry, goodbye.
0:22:27 – Speaker 4
So you use your intuition there. I feel like that’s just your. It’s common sense. When somebody’s making you feel uncomfortable and they’re pushing the boundaries too much, you don’t know them. If they’re spam DMing you and you’re like not responding, gosh, that is how that’s a thing that has happened to me.
0:22:42 – Speaker 1
That was actually a really kind of a scary situation with a with a guy friend of mine and he just kept messaging me all the time and he would, and he actually had my phone number so he would message me, he would call me, he would find out places I was oh boy, so I all the red flags, i blocked his, him on Instagram, i blocked his number.
0:23:00 – Speaker 4
Yeah, i was like nope, i did not feel comfortable, my roommates did not feel comfortable, and so I just well, and I think, too, it’s easier to get rejected online, and so I think that’s why people do it like you said, and but at the same time, if your kid is doing the rejecting, they can be nice about it. You know, they don’t even have to respond to the DMs or they can just block. Yeah, they don’t have to like, dm them back and be like you are so ugly, i would never go out with you. Make sure you’re telling your kids that, okay, this isn’t like we don’t read you when we say reject, we’re not being mean, yeah, it’s just.
0:23:36 – Speaker 1
No, this is yeah, the situation I just described was incredible, extreme and a crazy story, so don’t take that as the norm, yeah, but but even then you blocked him and you didn’t know. I never said anything rude, anything to him. And there’s other guys who or I’ve had girlfriends who are interested in a guy and they’ll message him like you’re really cute, i think we should go out and I’ll be like that’s really sweet of you and I’m really flattered. But I’m talking to someone right now or I’m dating someone but thank you so much yeah and oh okay cool and the girl be like okay awesome.
Thank you so much for telling me. Yes, i appreciate the honesty yeah, man, it is yeah.
0:24:13 – Speaker 3
I think, as a parent, my takeaway and my kids are not updating each yet my thought is you know, it will be something different by the time you know 10, 15 years. Yeah, and so my thought is that all the things that we applied, you know, back in the olden days, mandy, all those same things. You just have to apply that to a digital platform. You know, be respectful. Yeah, mind the red flags, it’s all the same. Take your time getting to know someone before you meet them in person.
0:24:40 – Speaker 1
Yes, meet them in a public place. Do your homework.
0:24:42 – Speaker 3
Meet them in a public it’s all the same thing.
0:24:44 – Speaker 4
Yeah, never meet a private. It’s a different platform. And if you’re meeting in a public place like if you’re 21 and you’re on a dating app and you’re meeting in a public place- someone needs to know where you’re going And that is what I or take somebody with you. you know, whatever you say, I think it’s just within girl with girlfriends and stuff.
0:24:57 – Speaker 1
You’re just like, because I loved my roommates, i had great roommates and you know, and I was, like I said earlier, i was in a sorority, so you have this whole network of women behind you and this is just ingrained in you is that if you’re going someplace anywhere, you let them know. I have all my friends on find my friends on my iPhone still.
Yes, so they know where you are So I know, they know where I am, they can track me and it’s just like what you do. You just take care of each other and you’re just.
0:25:21 – Speaker 4
You just use your head Well. Thanks for joining us. I love your perspective and I hope parents that this helps the conversations with your kids about them dating in the digital age.
0:25:31 – Speaker 2
Thanks, Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk? We’ll see you next time.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
