0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630. The Word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a non-profit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:36 – Speaker 2
You know, last week we discussed building a safe place for your kids and we learned that restrictions are tools, but it’s really about the relationship. You know technical monitoring and tips those are all great tools but they’re really the second line of defense. There are backup plan. The real goal in all of it, the first line of defense, is open communication.
0:01:00 – Speaker 1
And again, open communication is that on the go, always talking about every subject with everyone in your family. It’s hard to start if it seems like an unfamiliar idea, but trust me, once you create that safe place and you begin talking about everything in a calm, approachable manner, your kids will really start to open up and that’s what we’re going after that they feel like they can come to you for anything. You have a safe place within your family where they can do that and you can talk about all these difficult subjects.
0:01:30 – Speaker 2
It goes back to Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7. Talk with your kids about all these things when you’re on the go, when you’re getting up, when you’re going to bed. These are key things that we have to do with our kids. So anytime you hear us talk about the relationship is more important, or open communication. That’s what we mean. We’re not talking about let’s everybody have a family meeting and set on the couch and we’re going to do a five-minute sex talk. That’s not what this is, and so it’s an on the go approach to open communication.
0:01:58 – Speaker 1
Today we want to give you some technical tips On this journey. It’s really important for you to be in their online world, and we don’t mean the helicopter parenting looking over their shoulder. What we mean is understanding the things that they’re into. I hear from parents all the time that say, oh yeah, my kid has snapchat and instagram and twitter and all these things. I don’t even know about that stuff. That’s not my generation. I have no idea how it works, but they know what they’re doing. Wrong approach. We really need to understand where they’re at, what they’re into and how it works.
0:02:30 – Speaker 2
And I know that may be overwhelming, because it was to me at first Me too. Here’s what I want you to know, kim and myself and the rest of the Next Top team we don’t have technical backgrounds. We don’t have. Our degree is not in IT, and so when we talk about being in their online world, we’re not talking about being a technical savvy, know all the restrictions and all the background information. It’s about hey, you know you’re sitting at the kitchen island and your kid is on a social media and you sit down next to them and say, hey, will you show me how this works? Like, tell me, tell me how this works. Like, I have no clue.
0:03:05 – Speaker 1
Kids love to show you how to do things you know from a young age. They love to feel like they’re the one in charge, and this is a great tip when it comes to tech things, because they will learn it five times, if not 500 times, faster than you, because that’s the world that they’re growing up in, so you can sit down with them, like Mandy said, and say show me how to do this or how this works or how do I play this game. My kids love to show me how to play their games because they feel like they’re the teacher, and so they get real excited when I’m into it and I’m understanding and being a part of something that they really care about.
0:03:36 – Speaker 2
They’re always one step ahead of us Technology. They always will be because, like Kim said, they’re growing up in a world that is foreign to us. But we have to learn it, we have to be in it, we have to know what’s going on. You know, if your kids are younger and they’re not really into it yet, a great thing to do is have a mentor or a heads up mama is what we like to call them, and we’ll do a show on how to build a tribe and how to build an inner circle, but really, just a parent that can kind of walk you through this is coming.
I had that in my life and it was such a gift. So when my daughter was in fourth or fifth grade, I had one of my heads up mama said hey, instagram, snapchat, get ready, because the next three years in middle school, this is what you’re gonna be hearing about. And so I got on those platforms in fourth and fifth grade for me. My daughter didn’t, but I was learning those because I wanted to be educated and I would actually go to lunch with one of my friends and say tell me how this works, like I don’t understand this, and they would show me also. So ask your kids, ask other parents. There are lots of resources that you can do to be in their online world.
0:04:41 – Speaker 1
So one of the basics and one of the tips that we all need to look at doing is, when you get out your phone, your tablet or your device, we need to set restrictions Again. This is the second line of defense, not the first, but it’s still very important. We need to have those guidelines there to protect what our kids are able to access. So what you wanna do in your phone is go to settings, general, and then restrictions. When you get there, it’s gonna ask you for a four digit digit passcode type something in that your kids don’t know and that you don’t tell them. It’s so important to keep that a secret and it’s real easy to be cooking dinner and your kids are in the other room and they wanna play their game and they open up the iPad and they’re like what’s the four digit passcode? And your hands are dirty or whatever. It’s important to keep that safe. Wash your hands and go put in the passcode. You have to stick to the guidelines that you set up.
0:05:35 – Speaker 2
Okay, but here’s what we wanna tell you is that that restriction is important to set, but you can’t set the restriction and then say hands off, it’s no big deal. I don’t have to talk to them about all these things, because let me tell you a story. Restrictions are great for catching things that you’re searching online for. So if you open up your Safari and you’re Googling something, restrictions typically not always catch inappropriate content. However, if you’re within an app so, for example, instagram you’re within that app and you’re scrolling through and you would click on maybe a hashtag or something that could take you to pornography and it would not catch it. The restrictions would not catch it because you’re within an app.
0:06:24 – Speaker 1
Restrictions don’t work in an app, and what we wanna explain to you about the hashtags in case that’s a new concept for you is a hashtag is like a file for everything under that title. So if, let’s say, mandy was looking for hashtag, nextTalk, everything that we’ve done that we have labeled hashtag, nextTalk, would be located there like a file where you can access it. So, again, within an app, clicking on hashtags or looking through pictures or content is not gonna be filtered by those restrictions you set up on your phone or tablet.
0:06:58 – Speaker 2
So my daughter now is 13. She has her own phone and she has an Instagram account. It is a private account. We monitor it. Well, we’re gonna tackle on a future show about how to implement social media in your family and I’m gonna walk you through the steps that we did that and you set up the restrictions on that social media platform. But here’s what I wanna tell you. Her restrictions are set. I know the passcode. She does not know the passcode and this is on her phone. This is on her phone. One time she came to me and I could tell something had gone wrong. The look.
0:07:33 – Speaker 1
The look.
0:07:34 – Speaker 2
I could tell. And she said to me mom, I was scrolling through Instagram and there was a hashtag wedding gown, hashtag wedding gown and she just wanted to go see some cute dresses, some cute springy wedding dresses and bridesmaids dresses. When she clicked on it, there was pornography. And I’m not talking about like a string bikini, I’m talking about completely naked pornography. So what I did to her I’m going to reference, you know, our last show, the Building a Safe Place.
I was in the process long enough that I knew I wanted to be crazy and I wanted to yank her phone away and I wanted to say I hate Instagram and I hate technology and you’re never going to, you’re never going to have technology again.
But I had already learned that that was not the answer Right, and so I responded in a very calm manner and I took her phone and I set it on the counter and that was just secondary. I hugged her and I said this is what I mean. This is the relationship that I want us to have, so that when you see things online that it is bad for your heart and your mind, that you can come to me and I’m not going to go ballistic, I’m not taking away Instagram from you because you didn’t go seeking this Right. But it was a very teachable moment and I told her how proud I was of her and then later after I focused on my daughter and the relationship. Later I took the phone into a private area of our house and I reported it to Instagram, and there were not just one picture, I reported about 20 to 30 pictures that night of pornography under the hashtag wedding gowns.
So you know that’s a heads up for you that are getting just now getting phones. You can talk to your kids about being careful about clicking on hashtags. When they get older they’re going to click on hashtags and so it goes back to that first line of defensive. We’ve talked enough and they’re going to have the personal online integrity to protect their own heart and mind and look away, but we have to instill that in them very, very young.
0:09:31 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, and you know, talking about these restrictions that you set up and that, being the second line of defense, is very important on cell phone when you give that to your child. But let’s rewind a little bit and just think about the house as a whole. Yeah, because we don’t have smartphones or cell phones for our kids. We have younger kids you know the nextTalk, jr and but we do have streaming service. We have Netflix. You know there’s Hulu, there’s Amazon. There’s so many options out there today. Then, of course, you know there’s gaming systems like Xbox Wii U. You have your tablets. I mean there’s so many different things in your home where there is access available, so you need to set the restrictions there too.
The way we learned about that in our household a few years back, my son was searching for a cartoon. Now they have their own profile that’s just supposed to be children’s shows under their profile, which we were able to set up automatically when we joined the service, and he was searching for a show and I noticed that adult shows were coming up under that search. Now, I don’t mean pornographic, but they were shows that were inappropriate for his age, and that’s when I said let me see about the settings thing. So usually on things like, let’s say, netflix, you can go in to account and then parental controls and you can choose the parameters for each of your accounts there based on age. Once you choose that, you can then set a four-digit passcode again that you don’t want to give to your kids. No, this is not the number one and the only thing that you do. The relationship is the most important, but we do need to set those parameters to keep them safe from seeing things that they really don’t need to be exposed to at a young age.
0:11:06 – Speaker 2
Exactly and you know. When you get a new cable package or whatever. You renew a subscription, you know. Or you get a new gaming system, just Google, whatever it is, because they’re a little different for each one. Google how do I set parental controls for Xbox One or whatever? You know, we just renewed our cable package and I am so glad that I knew to set the parental controls because we got extra channels.
0:11:32 – Speaker 1
They always do it like three months to get everything under the sun, and then, if you, don’t call them and cancel, then you’re charged, you know, a big wazoo of money.
0:11:39 – Speaker 2
And so I was scrolling through and, oh my word, some of the channels and the names of the movies. And so now that’s all on restrictions and I’ve got it set up in the four-digit code. But yes, that is a great technical, practical tip. The other thing is, you know we’ve set restrictions, let’s talk about location services.
0:11:59 – Speaker 1
Yes, absolutely. That’s another one of those specific things that you need to walk through on your phones and tablets and devices.
0:12:05 – Speaker 2
So that’s under settings, and then privacy and location services. You can turn that on. Now here’s what I want to tell you. You automatically think well, I don’t want anybody tracking my kid and knowing where they are at a certain time and that’s typically true, like, for instance, on my daughter’s phone Instagram location services off, because I don’t want anybody seeing anything that she posts on her timeline, even though she has only friends that she knows in real life following her. Sure, what if somebody slipped through Yep? What if something accidentally got tapped and now we have a stranger following her? So, again, it’s just another line of defense. So we have those restrictions set for location services. I’ve got it turned off because I don’t want anybody to be able to click on that picture and know the address where she is Exactly. That’s a scary thought. Yes, but on other apps, for example, like find my phone or a tracking app, and so what if your kid loses their phone and you want to track it? For those, you may want location services on.
0:13:05 – Speaker 1
So for each app. You need to take the time to look at your phone or your tablet or device and you need to decide specifically what needs to be on or off for location services. It’s not, again, a blanket answer. You have to take the time to look through that. I know a lot of people who have the location services on to be able to track their child to make sure they got, once they’re driving, especially make sure they got to practice okay or school or okay, or they’re where they said they were going to be.
0:13:31 – Speaker 2
But listen, when they get older, they know how to turn it off. Yes, you know. So that’s why, if you start really early and you’re saying this is our guideline and this is how it is, they’re more apt to follow through because it’s just normal operating procedure, you know. And when they’re older, you know you can give them more leeway If they’ve proven that they can be trusted in the online world. I use this example in my book and one of my pastors used it, but I love it. It’s a kite string illustration and you know when your kids can be trusted. You let the string out and you let them fly and you don’t smother and you don’t. You know helicopter, though. Those are never good things at any age, but especially as they’re proving themselves worthy and they’re having integrity in the online world, you can give them more freedom.
0:14:16 – Speaker 1
Absolutely. That’s such good advice because it’s easy to operate out of fear with all of this, because it’s so unknown and so new to so many of us. But if we start the conversations young and if we set up these parameters and they know they have a safe place to talk with us through anything, it’s okay.
0:14:32 – Speaker 2
And you know, I love what you said about fear because here’s the thing Before I started open communication in our family, I was so afraid of everything that they were seeing and hearing online or hearing from their friends, because y’all know my story. I mean, my daughter didn’t have a phone and she was told about a pornographic act. So you know I could tell that there was no defense here, even not giving her a phone she was still being exposed. Here’s the thing I want you to hear from me now, now that I have worked on the relationship and that was the first line of defense I have no fear anymore about what they’re seeing and hearing or what they’re going to see online, because they come home and ask me like we’ve created that environment for them and it took years I mean, it took four years and we’re just now at the point where I feel like we are talking about everything and I can’t let my guard down now and think you know that something’s slipping through the cracks. We got to keep talking. It’s investing in that relationship.
0:15:27 – Speaker 1
It’s so important. That’s really what all of these things that we will be talking to you about boil down to the first line of defense. The most important thing is communication, open communication and that relationship, no matter what the settings, no matter what the situation. That’s what it comes down to.
0:15:44 – Speaker 2
And if you’re just now tuning in, welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Cam every Saturday at 10am on AM 630, the Word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online through open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready?
0:16:05 – Speaker 1
for the nextTalk. So we’ve been talking about setting up restrictions on your phone or your device, or even through your streaming service like Netflix, or your gaming device like Xbox or Wii U. That’s super duper important. It is your second line of defense. Please set those things up. First line of defense open communication. So let’s say you do all of these things, you set all that up and then you can’t say check and just let them go. Obviously you need to monitor these things.
0:16:32 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you know I used to think that checking text were enough, like that’s all I needed to do is scroll through. You know we would do random phone checks and check her text.
0:16:43 – Speaker 1
No here’s what I’ve learned the hard truth, yeah here’s what I’ve learned Most kids communicate within apps.
0:16:51 – Speaker 2
What do I mean by that? So Instagram has a feature called DM direct messaging and it’s a texting app within Instagram. Again, we learned restrictions don’t catch anything within apps. Most products on the market that are monitoring text and sending text to your phones are not catching those DMs. Snapchat has a feature within site it where you can actually talk, and so it’s a text feature. Also, I wanna tell you, if you check your kids’ phones and you find some DMs and you’re like, why is my kid not telling me about these DMs or whatever, first of all, remain calm, go back, maybe listen to our safe place show. You know, I always say when a mom or a dad calls me freaked out about something they found on their phone, my first response to them is step away from the child, the device and breathe Like you need to just breathe for a minute, because screaming and going off is just gonna make a situation worse.
0:17:46 – Speaker 1
Well, and they’re not gonna come to you again, they’re gonna realize if I share these things or ask these questions or show my parents this, they’re gonna lose it. I’m gonna lose my device and this is over, so they will start hiding.
0:17:57 – Speaker 2
Yeah, so what I wanna say? If you find some DMs or you find some snaps and you’re like, oh my word, my kid is listen, they may not be trying to hide anything from you. It is how they communicate this is their world.
You know I love Snapchat because I can take pictures and communicate with friends. It doesn’t take up my phone storage, it doesn’t? You know I don’t get this message. Your phone is full. Now I can communicate within the Snapchat like a text area. I love it. Think of Snapchat as the new texting. You know, texting’s kinda old school now we’re moving that fast.
0:18:30 – Speaker 1
It is, yeah. So if you have said well, I’ve been checking my kid’s phone and their text message is seen, fine, you know what, it might be fine, but you’re not really checking where they live, which is within these apps, and so you need to do that. Yes, you need to be in their online world, but again, appropriately. You don’t wanna be that helicopter parent. You know a good example, mandy, I know that you are on your daughter’s profile and you’re seeing what she’s doing and saying and talking about, but are you commenting all the time?
0:18:59 – Speaker 2
No, no, our personal role is look, I’m gonna follow you. I’m not gonna comment. If there’s a picture that’s kinda iffy, that I don’t know why she posted it or something she said, we have a conversation in person about it. I don’t call her out in front of peers. It’s embarrassing.
0:19:13 – Speaker 1
It’s embarrassing. Like I don’t wanna embarrass her in her online world. Think about the days of the dance.
0:19:19 – Speaker 2
I mean, they’re still around.
0:19:21 – Speaker 1
Mom or dad is a chaperone. It’s fine if they’re against the wall next to the plant and you know. You know they’re there, you know they’re watching, the presence is there. But if dad jumps on the dance floor and starts, busting a move To vanilla ice or something. No, thank you. It’s humiliating and embarrassing, and you will never ever ask dad to chaperone the dance again, or you just won’t go to the dance. You’ll find another dance. So the point being be there, be a presence, but do not embarrass your child.
0:19:49 – Speaker 2
And the same thing applies in their online world. You know I don’t wanna call her out, even if you know I follow lots of her friends and I’ll see some of them using inappropriate language sometime. I don’t comment on them, but we have a conversation about it. Later on I’ll say hey, did you see what so and so posts. You know that’s against our family guideline. What do you think about that? And one thing that I always come back to is we’re all still learning. Like if my kid is like I unfollowed this person because they’re posting this or you know, I will say well, I understand and I’m happy that you protected your heart and mind, but we’re all still learning. You know we don’t wanna become judgmental and jaded, because we all still learning. We’re trying to figure this out together.
0:20:25 – Speaker 1
So we’re talking about setting all these restrictions, whether on your phone or on your streaming device. But again, remember that’s not the only line of defense and things can get through. You know, I’ve seen many times on a game or an app where we have researched it, we’ve looked at it, it’s appropriately age four plus, but then an ad or something happens that is not appropriate. So again, I expect and I am so thankful when my kids see something and they bring it to me and we can have a conversation about it.
0:20:53 – Speaker 2
Yeah, that’s a great tech tip in and of itself. You know, in the app store, wherever you’re getting your apps, make sure the ages don’t fully rely on that, you know. Don’t say, oh, it’s four plus, we can download it. Yeah, because my kids have been exposed to the F word, to suicide conversations in an F or in a four plus app.
0:21:09 – Speaker 1
Yeah, it’s crazy.
0:21:10 – Speaker 2
So just have your guard up Again. It comes back to that. You know those are all great tools and another thing that you can research but be in their online world.
0:21:18 – Speaker 1
And make sure, as you’re setting these restrictions, you’re explaining the why behind it. A junior explanation of that, or example of that, is you know we set up those Netflix restrictions. We looked at the TV and I showed my kids how to read the ratings. You know you have why for everyone. You have why seven and then it goes up from there. So we talked to my son, who is able to watch why seven because he is almost eight, and talk to him about why those shows were appropriate for him because of the content, the material covered, even the sarcasm, like it’s something that he can process. But that’s not appropriate for his siblings because they’re younger and they’re only allowed to watch why. And it’s been really cool to explain that to them and then to watch them hold each other accountable when they sit down all together and they’re trying to choose a show to watch as a family or all of us. You know I’ll hear my son say we can’t watch that that’s Y7.
You know it’s too young for you. Let’s look for something else. And so they’re learning from us, so that they can not only take it on and do it when we’re not around, but also to teach others and to share that information.
0:22:23 – Speaker 2
You know, yes, and always explain the why behind it. You know, like you said, this is just not appropriate for our heart and mind and once we get subject to this, we may start thinking about it and you know if the violence is there or whatever we don’t want that in our heart and mind. You know the why is so important? Because that builds the relationship. Explaining the why.
0:22:44 – Speaker 1
And when we’re just saying no and not explaining the why, they can’t process that. They just feel like they’ve been shut down.
0:22:50 – Speaker 2
Exactly, and you know I have a teenager so I’ve got apps coming at me all day long. Mom, can I get?
0:22:55 – Speaker 1
this app.
0:22:56 – Speaker 2
Mom, can I get this app? Because you know teens are online and when I don’t allow an app, some things that we’ve tried to do is come up with a compromise. So we’ll talk through it and I’ll say well, why do you want this app? You know I’ll ask them open-ended questions so they can kind of I can get where they’re coming from. We say do you think?
0:23:14 – Speaker 1
this is a good idea.
0:23:15 – Speaker 2
Like we want to hear from them Exactly, and a lot of times I will say well, I understand why you want it, I get it. All your friends are communicating, they’re doing homework within Snapchat. Okay, I get this. Sure, can we put it on my phone first and you use it? Yes, and then this will be our compromise, because I’ll get to learn it. I can monitor it, but it’s not on your phone yet. Where you’re, you know, out there by yourself. Such a great tip, just a great role-playing. Just do it together. It’s a good compromise.
0:23:42 – Speaker 1
Make sure you set practical family guidelines. No screens behind closed doors. You check in your phone at bedtime. We have a charging station in our household where all devices and cell phones go when it’s the appropriate time. It’s a place that’s not in your bedroom, where it goes, where it’s away from the table and all of those things.
0:23:59 – Speaker 2
And we’re actually gonna cover that in a lot more guidelines to set up in our next show, because we are gonna tackle the question that we get asked the most. I cannot wait to share that with you and then give you practical tips on how we implemented it in my home and walked my teenager through it.
0:24:15 – Speaker 1
For a wrap-up segment. Today, we want you to remember number one you don’t have to be tech savvy, but you do need to be in their online world. Number two set restrictions, not just on cell phones. Look around your house, look at your tablets, look at your streaming device, look at your gaming device. Take the time to set up the restrictions that are appropriate for each device and then keep that password safe. Number three focus more on the relationship, not the restrictions.
0:24:47 – Speaker 2
And we’re gonna come back to that theme all the time on our radio show because it’s true, you know, setting restrictions, getting the location services, checking the ages on the apps, all those things are great tools and we wanna use them. But that is not the first line of defense, because we know that some of them don’t work. Within apps, we know things can slip through and we have to be prepared that we’ve instilled this integrity in our kids, really getting them to listen to the Holy Spirit, to guard their heart and mind, and we’ve instilled that. And then they feel so safe coming to us that we’re not gonna rip the device out of their hand and never let them have any technology again, but we’re gonna remain calm because we’ve built that safe place, like we discussed last time.
0:25:30 – Speaker 1
Thank you so much for joining us on nextTalk Radio today with Mandy and Kim. Every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the Word nextTalk Radio is brought to you by nextTalk, a nonprofit organization keeping kids safe online through cyber parenting and open communication. Find resources, videos and subscribe to our weekly podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk? We’ll be right back.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
