0:00:03 – Speaker 1
Hey, this is Mandy and Kim with nextTalk, where we are passionate about keeping kids safe in the digital world.
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Did you know? we have tens of thousands of listeners in 60 countries. It’s truly amazing, crazy.
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And, as a non-profit, everything we do at nextTalk is supported by people just like you.
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0:00:28 – Speaker 2
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0:00:32 – Speaker 1
More than cyber parenting conversations to connect, today we’re doing a show on bullying. I mean this is such an important topic because this is a scary stat I’m getting ready to share with you Kids who are cyber bullied are two times more likely to attempt suicide.
0:00:51 – Speaker 2
It’s really hard to hear.
0:00:53 – Speaker 1
It’s really hard to hear. And, kim, that’s a research study by the National Institutes of Health from 2012. I mean, that is super outdated And we see this often. Technology is moving faster than research is, so I don’t know what that stat is today, but we know there’s a problem and we need to pay attention to this.
0:01:16 – Speaker 2
And I’m sure it was exasperated by COVID too. So I mean, i’m sure things are just. the numbers are probably astonishing And at some point they’ll do another study and we’ll be able to share that with you.
0:01:28 – Speaker 1
It’s something we’re going to be studying for years and years to come the ripple effects of COVID on all different topics, But certainly this one also.
0:01:35 – Speaker 2
I think this is another great example of something we talk about a lot here, that the topics we cover at NextTalk are not necessarily new, but they’ve changed because of the online world. I mean, there was bullying when I was a kid and when my parents were a kid it looked like a kid being stuffed in a locker or it looked like someone calling someone a name, but it happened in a small circle at school or in a moment on campus. But then it was over and kids and life kind of moved on. But that’s not the way it is anymore because of social media in the online world. So before it would happen and it just happened with a group that was standing there. But now, if you picture, it’s kind of 24 seven.
Imagine a little boy being picked on at school. A group of kids are going to come around like they do. They want to see what’s going on with the altercation And what happens. Now. That didn’t happen before. Everybody takes out their phone I mean, we’ve all seen it. They’re holding it up, they’re recording it instead of actually doing anything about it, and then your little boy gets recorded. They start crying, their face is red, maybe they pee in their pants. It’s like this escalating situation and it’s all being recorded And instead of it just being word of mouth or the kids just standing there who see it, they’re like, oh, it’s a video that’s been snapped out to the whole world before your kid even walks through the door at home that day. And then he comes home all upset and says his life is ruined. And you’re like it’s fine, it’ll get, you know, it’ll pass, it’s no big deal which tells us that we don’t understand their culture, we don’t understand how things have changed.
0:03:05 – Speaker 1
Well, and I think we’re all guilty of responding that way, like dismissing it, making it not to be a big deal, but because there are cameras everywhere now, it is a heightened stressor for our kids that we don’t often realize, and so this is why we have to take everything so seriously. When they come home and they’re venting or they’re telling us about a situation like we really have to be able to listen well and try and figure out what’s going on with them.
0:03:33 – Speaker 2
Obviously, bullying is a very serious issue, but we also need to be really careful about labels. I mean, this is something we’ve talked about before. I mean, we’ve seen it in our own home.
0:03:44 – Speaker 1
Bullying is a word that now has been thrown around so much and overused that sometimes it loses the importance that it really needs i think this is really one of the first things we need to talk about when we’re addressing bullying, because with a lot of words in our world, they get overutilized and then they lose their magnitude. And what i mean by that is my kids have said to me this kid is bullying me. But when i ask them, give me an example, explain the context, i understand. Oh, it’s like a one time, isolated incident. And i have an example for you.
One time my son was playing fortnite and he got off and he was like this kid is bullying me. And i’m like well, tell me what happened. And he said well, i wanted to play with some of my buddies from school, so i kicked him out and didn’t play with him. Well, then he private messaged me and not cussed me out, used the f word, whatever. And so i was like well, has this ever happened before with this kid? no, okay, we need to talk about bullying, because he was being very unkind.
He escalated the situation to a place that didn’t need to go. Of course, he didn’t need to use the f word with you, but you have to understand he probably felt rejected because you didn’t want to play with him. So i need you to see how you contributed to this, and i need you to see how his response was over the top. Of course it was, but this is not a bullying situation, and when we use that label and use that word to describe something that it’s not, then it loses its meaning. It loses its magnitude, and so being able to talk with our kids about this and any other word that’s overused is extremely important in our everyday conversation and let’s talk about this on a bigger level as well.
0:05:29 – Speaker 2
This is something we’ve discussed in our home, with my husband being a school administrator for many years now, with the ability of kids to be able to report bullying, which is so critical and so important.
If they don’t understand the difference between a kid saying something mean one time in an actual bullying situation, unfortunately they’re reporting everything. Like this kid said, my hair looked funny, they’re bullying me, and so we have tons of reports of situations and that kind of clogs up the line, if you know what i mean, and doesn’t make room or space or time for administrators to address the real bullying cases that really need attention and really need help. And so if we at home can have these conversations and explain to our kids the difference, it not only helps them, but it helps the kids that really need help at school have the time and energy that’s needed from the administrators i love how you said this up, kim’s, because in my mind this is how it should work families and schools working together, and then we can really solve the major issues like the real bullying that’s happening, and i love that.
0:06:33 – Speaker 1
We all have a role to play in this, you know. The other thing i want to say is, of course, we can’t overuse or mislabel bullying, but we also can’t dismiss stuff either. So in this fortnight situation i told my son i was like listen, we need to resolve this issue with this kid. I think you need to apologize, but if this continues on, where he’s continually messaging you and it becomes relentless, then that is going to become a bullying situation, right? so just because i guess this is our little disclaimer, just because it may be one isolated incident now, it doesn’t mean that it can’t escalate into a bullying situation. So we need to be careful about it and we need not to dismiss it. When our kids come home and say this kid is making fun of my hair or whatever, whatever example that you want to give, we do need to take it seriously.
0:07:25 – Speaker 2
Which is why open communication is so key. This is another great example, because if our kids are coming home and telling us about that one time, then it’s on our radar and we can circle back and say, hey, remember, if this happens again, or it gets worse, or it’s bothering you, let me know. So then we know if we’re just talking them through a mean kid situation versus a bullying problem.
0:07:46 – Speaker 1
And one of the things that I use when my kids were little we don’t really use it anymore because they’re better at communicating, but when they were little and quite didn’t understand it, i would use a stoplight analogy, and I would also use the same stoplight analogy with anybody asking them to keep a secret for me, because when they’re young, they don’t really know what are okay secrets and what are not good secrets, you know. And so a grooming situation is in my mind always But I use this with bullying as well And it’s just saying okay, this person was on the green light, now they’re on the yellow light, and so if this person continues to be mean to you and continues to say these things to you and it continues to escalate, then we need to have a conversation, because then, when it gets to yellow, moving to red, there are steps to take that we need to help get this situation resolved.
0:08:31 – Speaker 2
Okay, so you know the first part of the conversation. Bullying is first identifying if it is bullying and making sure your kids understand the difference by asking those types of questions. You know, is this the first time? has this kid said anything before? But then we really need to talk about it. If your kid really is being bullied, what do you do?
0:08:50 – Speaker 1
Once you’ve identified that it is a true bullying situation and you’ve got a kid fixated on your kid and it’s been repeated over and over and it’s relentless, okay, we’ve got to figure out how to help our child right now. And so the first thing in all of this is, again, everything we do at nextTalk conversation with your kid is critical, because we need to make sure they’re emotionally okay. We have got to keep our kid mentally healthy in all this. It may be really hard for them to tell you what they’re being bullied about, because it may be embarrassing. It may be hard to speak out loud. What we want is for them to be able to confide in us those things that they’re really struggling with, because they may be trigger points. You know, maybe the kid is being made fun of their nose and the kid is already having self-esteem issues because of their nose, And so it may be something that may be difficult for your kid to voice, but we need to get them in that place.
Never be afraid to see a counselor If you’re in Texas. We have partnered with licensed professional counselors and we also just initiated a program this year where we can provide free mental health counseling services through those partner LPCs. If you are outside of Texas, i recommend asking your church. Many churches have a counselor referral list. We can try and find an affiliate or recommendation for you in your area.
0:10:17 – Speaker 2
So, as we’re having these conversations with our kids and making sure they’re emotionally okay, we also need to make sure that we’re not going into mama bear mode and making the situation worse. I mean you gotta be careful with this because sometimes we get a little bit crazy because this is our baby and someone has hurt them And so I mean we’re calling out the kid on Facebook, we post about it in our mom group, maybe we text all of our friends. This can be totally mortifying for our kids. I mean it’s just embarrassing. Think about their feelings. They’re already struggling with the situation, what they’ve been called, and now here, within this insecure moment for them, we’re posting about it everywhere And for them it feels like the whole world now knows what has happened. Can you imagine what that would feel like, especially for a young kid? Embarrassing.
0:11:05 – Speaker 1
We see this a lot in our work. This is why kids aren’t wanting to open up to their parents, because everything gets blown into something huge on social media And then even people that didn’t know it was happening before now know it’s happening. So we make it a bigger deal And we do it out of we wanna raise awareness. I get that And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Once your kid has walked through it, maybe a year down the road, you can talk to your kid and say, hey, i wanna share our story to raise awareness. I’ve found that most kids are willing to do that and they wanna help others, but they don’t wanna do it when they’re going through it.
0:11:42 – Speaker 2
Right.
0:11:43 – Speaker 1
Because it’s all the trigger points and it’s all the emotions and they’re still trying to work through their feelings about what is happening, and so we need to be respectful of that. Now we’re not saying you don’t get your kid help. We’re not saying you don’t reach out to people, but you have to be very careful about how you approach this, because we do not wanna make the situation worse for our kids.
0:12:04 – Speaker 2
It’s always important to talk to your kid when you’re planning to share information that really is theirs. Can I have permission to post this? Can we reach out to this kid’s mom? It’s a conversation you have together so that they’re not blindsided, and the solution is something that you come do together and that you work through together so that they feel like they’re on the same page as you and they’re not surprised by everyone knowing what’s going on.
0:12:30 – Speaker 1
Absolutely, and this goes the same with contacting the school counselor And it may be a conversation of. This is really important that the school knows what’s going on, because I’m not there. So I really need to email the counselor or your teacher or whoever that you think would be a good resource to email and let them know what’s going on And you can say I want my kid to remain anonymous with reporting this. I wanna protect them. You’ve gotta understand this is a delicate situation. They’re already being made fun of And then we do have to worry about this whole snitches get stitches thing. I know that’s like a funny phrase that we say and we kind of chuckle at it, but when kids report things, they do get made fun of And sometimes that creates a bullying situation that wasn’t even there before, or if a bullying situation is already happening, it escalates it. So we do have to be extremely careful about how we’re reporting it to the school, but we do need to get other people involved.
0:13:33 – Speaker 2
Really quick. I just wanna remind us we’ve talked about this with other topics, but it’s important not to make a bullying situation about you. I mean it does hurt when your kid comes home and they’re hurting and they’re sad and maybe their tears are flowing. We can really take that moment and get angry and disgusted and so sad that our kid is feeling this, and then we consume the whole room with our emotions And then it no longer becomes about helping our kid. But oh my gosh, my kid has been hurt.
And then that takes away the space and the ability for your kid to process what’s actually going on with them. So I know it hurts. I know it hurts, but when we make it about us one, we take away the opportunity for our kid to be able to process. And two, sometimes our kids go into protection mode And they take that moment and they see your reaction and then they think well, i’m not going to tell mom next time because I don’t want her to feel so sad, and so we don’t want either of those things to happen. We just want to be available to help our kid walk through the situation.
0:14:32 – Speaker 1
It doesn’t mean you can’t be mad, it doesn’t mean you can’t cry, but do that with your spouse or do that with a very trusted friend. I mean obviously parents. We don’t want you to be alone in this. You need a trusted person that you can talk to and work through your emotions. But what we don’t want to do is have that over-emotional response And it does become really more all about us And Kim, you said it beautifully It shuts down communication because then it becomes about us and not them. So if you find yourself in this moment, like mentally in my brain, i’ve literally said to myself before Mandy, don’t make this about you, this is about getting help for your kid. Right now They are hurting. The focus is that, and then you know, later I can process with my husband, i can process with Miss Kimberly, you know whoever I need to process with.
Another conversation that I have with my kids often, because sometimes they’re again embarrassed to tell me what this bully may be saying to them right, and it may be causing an emotional breakdown in my little kid’s brain. So one of the things that I say always to them is Satan wants you to keep it in the dark. He wants you to struggle in the silence. And when you don’t speak it out loud, when you don’t bring it into the light, it can have more power over you. But once we start talking about it and facing it head on, that’s when Satan loses his grip on us.
And you know this comes straight from Ephesians 5, 12 and 13. I mean, there’s lots of verses that talk about bringing things into the light, but this verse is great. It says it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible. This can pertain to anything. I mean watching porn, cutting suicidal thoughts, anything where you are not speaking it out loud to a trusted source. Satan has the ability to manipulate our mind into some really dark places.
0:16:27 – Speaker 2
That’s really good, manny, and so true, never good to keep things in the dark. So in talking about bullying and just like so many things here at nextTalk, we really delve into creating open communication in your home and covering all these different topics, but with specifics. We like to find partner organizations that can really delve into a topic that they’re passionate about, and we’ve done that with Maureen Mollack and David’s Legacy Foundation.
0:16:53 – Speaker 1
Yeah, they are a great nonprofit here in Texas. They were formed after David Mollack, a teenager, and Maureen’s son, took his own life after being cyberbullied on social media. Their story is powerful. I contacted them when I was writing my first book and they allowed me to share it, and since then we’ve done lots of events with them. A little bit about their story.
When the bullying started happening, maureen contacted the school, but they couldn’t do much about it because it happened outside of school hours, and so since then, mom has gotten a law passed in Texas that allows school to be able to investigate, even if it happens online, if it affects a student’s educational environment. So she’s kind of bridged that gap that was there before with a new law in Texas. Their story is so important. Maureen is such a great person. They’ve even been featured in People Magazine, and one of the things that I love about their organization is that they offer free legal resources to a family who is facing a cyberbullying situation. A lot of times you need legal help in that, and so you can find more about that at their website, davidslegacyorg. We’ve done many events with her and she’s on the front lines trying to save kids from bullying. She’s a great resource and really has become an expert in this area.
0:18:19 – Speaker 2
I’m so thankful for Maureen and David’s Legacy Foundation. You know, here at nextTalk, what we’ve talked about today, and our goal is to really bring awareness to bullying. You know, making sure that your kid knows the difference between just someone being mad and bullying, and then making sure your kid’s okay. I mean, if it is a bullying situation, their mental health is key and we need to know when to get help, and so that’s probably the most important thing. But if you’ve thought about those things and walked through those kinds of steps and you are realizing that your kid is being bullied, david’s Legacy Foundation their website has some great resources and tools to help you, on a practical level, deal with bullying. So we would really encourage you to check out their website at davidslegacyorg.
0:19:06 – Speaker 1
We want to end with one thing You don’t have to have a kid being bullied to get involved in this preventative conversation, right? I mean we need to teach our kids to be kind, to be nice And honestly. This comes straight from scripture. It says treat each other the way you want to be treated. I mean it’s the golden rule, and it originated with Jesus and the gospels You can see Matthew 712 and Luke 631. Teach your kids to be kind to one another. And another thing that I’ve found when I’m having this kind of conversation about being kind to everyone as they get older, they get in classes where the debating stuff Listen, disagreeing with someone in a respectful manner is not bullying. So they need to know the difference. With that, we can respectfully disagree and not see eye to eye on something, and I don’t make it personal. I don’t take it to the next level where I’m starting to make fun of you And then that escalates into a bullying situation, and so our kids need to know the difference.
0:20:08 – Speaker 2
We’re not all going to believe the same things and make the same choices, and that’s okay. And, as I tell my kids all the time, sometimes it’s not what you’re saying, it’s how you’re saying it, and that goes back to being kind and watching our tone in our delivery With all things here at nextTalk. It’s about the constant conversation. If we’re talking about the hard things under our roof, then our kids will be prepared when these difficult situations come up And then, when they actually happen, they know exactly who to come to. It’s you and me. They’re safe place because we’ve taken the time to create a culture of conversation in our homes.
0:20:44 – Speaker 1
Amen. Teach your kid to be kind and don’t be a bully.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
