0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:35 – Speaker 2
Today’s show is about being bold.
0:00:38 – Speaker 3
Without being a jerk. We went back and forth on this title, but I think that really sums it up.
0:00:46 – Speaker 2
It’s hard.
0:00:48 – Speaker 3
It’s easier said than done, because sometimes boldness comes across in the wrong way, and so we wanted to address that today, because I think so often, especially on social media, it gets distorted.
0:01:02 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I mean.
You know, social media is a whole new beast in being kind to people because we don’t see the soul behind the screen and oftentimes we will say things online that we would not say to their face, and so it creates this environment that could be very toxic. The other thing about social media that we have to realize is oftentimes we only follow people who agree with us Because we don’t want to be like brought into the bad side, so we don’t want to follow that stuff. We don’t want to think about the other opinion. Well, and then you know you’ve got trolls who come in and they’ll question you, and then you’re challenged.
0:01:42 – Speaker 1
Yes, push the buttons.
0:01:45 – Speaker 2
And then it’s really hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction to that and get defensive and spout off and say something very unkind, and so I think we all need to have our guard up about that.
0:01:57 – Speaker 3
Yeah, it’s really a fine line between a balance of confidence and bravery and truth, with grace and respect, and that is not easy.
0:02:04 – Speaker 2
Well, and you know, we’re in 2020, so we got elections coming up and I can’t even like I may have to take a Twitter break for a little while, because there’s so much about what we can be divided about and fight about, and I think Satan is just loving every moment of it.
0:02:23 – Speaker 3
Well, it’s easy to think of those big things, but I mean, I first go to this example. I run in, you know, fairly conservative circles.
0:02:32 – Speaker 2
Don’t say you?
0:02:34 – Speaker 3
No, I do, I do, and we clutch your pearls. Everyone, I do, we clutch the pearls. It’s funny, but I think because we homeschool.
0:02:44 – Speaker 2
Kim doesn’t wear pearls. I actually do. Only when you get dressed up, right, only when I get dressed up. I love a pearl.
0:02:52 – Speaker 3
But I do have black pearls. So, woo, I’m a wild woman. I’m not the same conservative there’s been so many times I can’t even tell you Like even I said it from a stage one time and the looks in the audience were like Just the fact that when I mentioned that my kids play video games, I have gotten the look like my kids are gambling with Satan, like really those dagger eyes, just because my kids play on video games. And I recently had an experience where I was like, oh, my goodness, what am I going to say here? I’m going to be transparent. I had a friend that was like I mentioned this in.
The look on her face was so bad. High school debate Kim wanted to throw her under the bus and rip her. No one Like I was going in for it. Because I was like how dare you judge my parenting, judging my parenting, and give me the look like my kids are hanging out with Satan? That was the look and I wanted to lash back at her with all the reasons why it’s important to our family to teach our kids about navigating things like gaming and social media and even driving a car while they’re under our roof dating Like I was going there with all the subjects Like that’s where my mind went right away and I’m telling you that I wanted to do all of that.
But I have learned something on this nextTalk journey that if you start going down that road and those walls come up, it just shuts down communication. So thankfully, I stepped back for a moment and I realized, okay, I need to reel it in and I need to just listen without interruption. Let me just hear what this lady has to say. So I did for a long time. She said all the things and all the statistics and I just nodded and there were some things she said that I agreed with. So I was like, yes, I hear you, I get that. Yes, and then the things that I did not agree with.
I just listened quietly and respectfully and at the end of that I said what I call the magic phrase in my household my husband. I joke about this. I said I hear what you’re saying and while I don’t agree on everything, I can see why you feel that way. And then I said can I share with you where I’m coming from? And it was like her shoulders dropped down and she took a breath like, oh, okay, yeah, sure you can tell me where, if I had gone in high school Kim on the debate team and lashed back at her, that never would have happened. We would have gotten an argument. It would have messed up our friendship and our relationship. Well, because you wanted to be right.
0:05:24 – Speaker 2
Well, yeah Debate Kim.
0:05:25 – Speaker 3
I want, I always want to be right.
0:05:27 – Speaker 2
Yes, yes, sister, you need to go listen to our humility show. Kim, I do, clearly.
0:05:33 – Speaker 3
I need to put it on repeat while I sleep. But I’m telling you what. It was just amazing and such a reminder to me that people, we can feel differently and share our truths if we allow each other to be heard. People just want to be heard.
0:05:49 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think what’s so interesting about this example is you guys were probably on both ends of the spectrum. Yeah, so she was. Video games are awful, which I would tend to agree. Some of them are awful, exactly, and you were on this. Well, if we don’t let them be in the online world, how are we going to even talk to them about it? You’re like wanting to know their online cultures where you’re looking at it from. But I think what’s so important to note is that once you guys talked, there was middle ground to be found. Absolutely, and I think so many times on social media we never find that middle ground because we’re just trying to be right.
0:06:31 – Speaker 3
That’s a nugget right there, sister.
0:06:33 – Speaker 2
And that is the problem. That’s the problem. That’s the problem. We always want to be right you know I’ve and the middle ground is where we need to really live. The middle ground I mean Jesus keeps us centered and balanced. If you’ve ever had me sign a book, one of the things that I say is calm, balanced talk. That’s how I sign every book, because I have learned on this journey that both ends of the spectrum are normally crazy. Jesus lives somewhere in the middle and that truth is there and we have to figure out what that is right.
0:07:04 – Speaker 3
And we want to share our end of the spectrum, even though that’s not usually where we live, like, I’m not like all video games all the time, but we want to share that.
0:07:12 – Speaker 2
But that’s what she heard.
0:07:14 – Speaker 3
That’s what she heard.
0:07:14 – Speaker 2
That’s what she heard. Yes, but when you have a conversation of okay, my kids are this age and I vetted these out and these have created a really great environment where it doesn’t expose them to inappropriate things, but they’re navigating the online world and we’re learning how to talk through all this stuff, when she sees it from that perspective, then it’s a whole new ball game right, that’s where the conversation went.
0:07:38 – Speaker 3
which is really the point of the whole story is, I could have easily shut it down, and thankfully because God With debate cam With the yes debate cam and thankfully the Holy Spirit held my tongue and I have learned with all the things that we’ve done here at nextTalk that that doesn’t get anybody anywhere. We ended up on the same page and she’s like you know, you’re right, I totally get what you’re saying. You know we ended up in the same place in that middle ground and I love that you said that, because that’s so true. We rarely get there in social media or in social circles when we’re trying to be right or we’re trying to convince. Something I’ve learned a long time ago like stop trying to convince people. It’s okay to feel a certain way and they’ll come over and join you if you are balanced and respectful in your approach.
0:08:23 – Speaker 2
One thing that I’ve learned on this journey is just having a face-to-face conversation with somebody and explaining where you’re coming from can be life-changing. It can actually be so life-changing that people are like wow, I struggle with standing firm in what I believe because I wanna please everyone.
0:08:46 – Speaker 3
Yeah.
0:08:47 – Speaker 2
And I think, too, being bold is part of you know. You have to know what you’re being bold about. If you’re being bold to be right, it’s gonna be bad, you’re gonna be a jerk, like you are. But if you’re coming from the like, I’m walking in the spirit and I wanna be bold right now and I need to say this, but I don’t want to and I’m gonna say it in love, that’s when you can be bold without being a jerk.
One time I was at an event and I felt very compelled by God to say something and I knew, because of the audience, that it may not be taken the right way, and I was literally on stage, struggling, having this internal dialogue with God, like I’m not gonna say that point, I’m not. And I kept hearing him say be bold, be bold. And I said it, and not many people said anything after the event about that thing. But about a year later my husband ran into a family that we don’t know and they said, hey, this specific thing that she said at this event, this changed us. And my husband came home and told me he didn’t know about this internal struggle I’d had on stage. He didn’t know any of that. Right, he came home and he told me and my eyes filled up with tears and he said why are you upset?
And I said I remember having an internal struggle. That very thing that they said helped them. I didn’t want to say. And I think that is where the difference is when we’re being bold about arguing our point and just wanting to be right and heard, it’s not gonna work. But if we’re being bold because the spirit is nudging us and saying I need you to say this, even though I know you don’t want to, or I need you to take this stand, even though I know it’s uncomfortable, like that’s where I feel like Jesus can really direct us and help us be bold and be kind, because he modeled that for us, like he’s the perfect example of that.
0:10:56 – Speaker 3
Absolutely Well, and I love that example. That’s one of my favorite stories from your speaking experiences. But I will say that when your motivation is driven by Jesus or by the Holy Spirit, it’s a lot easier to be kind.
0:11:15 – Speaker 2
Absolutely.
0:11:16 – Speaker 3
It’s not work anymore.
0:11:18 – Speaker 2
You know what? I love that, kim? Because you know why. You see people as Jesus saw them and you see that they have a story, and you see that they feel that way because of a reason and you’re like I Defenses come down.
0:11:31 – Speaker 3
Yes, walls are taken down Second Timothy, 1.7,. For God gave us a spirit, not a fear, but of power and love and self-control. I think that’s a perfect verse, for what you’re saying is he wants us to be bold, he wants us to be led by the Holy Spirit and say things that are hard or different with self-control, and that self-control comes from knowing the Holy Spirit, comes from knowing good and right and kindness and all of the things that are Jesus, and when we are motivated by him, then that’s how it comes forth, that’s how that opinion comes out.
0:12:08 – Speaker 2
Totally different. Self-control is not snapping off on social media and tearing somebody down to be right. That’s not what this is about. That is not being bold, that’s being stupid. Yeah, yeah.
0:12:19 – Speaker 3
You said it, girl. She’s just gonna say it today. I’m gonna call you out and be bold If you’re just now tuning in, sorry, no, I’m just kidding. This is nextTalk Radio 2PM on AM 630, the Word. nextTalk Radio is sponsored in part by the PAX Financial Group and listeners just like you. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nexttalkorg and click on give MUSIC.
0:12:55 – Speaker 1
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0:13:21 – Speaker 2
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0:13:27 – Speaker 3
Today we are talking about being bold without being a jerk, because we all know it’s hard. Whether you’re on social media or not, you have seen it. I mean, it is magnified on social media because people don’t have a filter. They’re sitting behind a screen a lot of times and they feel like they can say anything and no one. I shouldn’t say no one.
Often we don’t get to the middle ground of understanding each other, and so we see it a lot on social media, but I see it in person and in my own social circles, where we just want to be right or we just want to get our voice heard, and so it comes across the wrong way. We speak our opinion in boldness, but not in kindness, and then we come across as a jerk. So how do we do that? What are some ways that we can do better at being kind and bold One? We both have a lot of experience with tone. Tone matters, it really does. I am often praying in the middle of a moment. Lord, take my ideas, all these passionate feelings, run them through your filter of grace and love, because I just want to mow this person over.
0:14:31 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I think this comes back to what we talked about in the first segment, about Jesus being the motivating effect. If your tone is going to be wrong, if you just want to be right, but if you are coming at it from a sense of, I feel like I need to be obedient here and I need to say this thing to this person or, and I’m thinking about like, when parents come up to me after events.
You know sometimes they share stories with me and it actually it’s my favorite part about the events at all. Everything is talking with the parents one on one and you know they share these deeply personal stories with me and sometimes I’m convicted by the Holy Spirit to say you need to stop talking and listen more or you need to adjust how you’re approaching this, because it’s not working.
And it’s really hard for me to do that because I want everybody to leave feeling empowered and excited and ready to tackle open communication with their kids. And I have found on the journey that when I am still and listen to the spirit of the Lord and I actually speak what he puts in my spirit, the tone is right. I don’t have to like manipulate my tone to make it sound sweet. I don’t have to. You know what I’m saying.
You know, you know that sometimes, when they say, oh, I’m so sorry you feel that way, but the tone is, you’re stupid. But if you say it, if you say that same line in a spirit of love and coming out of Jesus and being like, Okay, I understand how you feel that way. Do you see how the tone is just different?
0:16:17 – Speaker 3
It is different and I think it’s almost easier to talk about this with your kids when they’re younger. You know, and I don’t speak from experience you’ll have to with older kids, but I know with my kids, talking about tone and understanding the difference between that is easy because I can say to them, like, put away your tablets. Or I can give them exact, and we’ll use this as an example, we’ll role play it all the time, like you can say something, that’s true, but your tone matters. And I can yell to them put away your tablets. Or I can say, guys, it’s almost time for dinner, can you put your tablets away please? And they’re like laughing and they’re like, oh my gosh.
Yeah, it’s totally different because we all do that in the day to day. We’re saying something that might be true. You may be saying to your friends something that might be true about your beliefs, whether it’s something simple or something very important. But if your tone is coming across wrong, then your motivation is probably wrong. But teaching that to your kids is easy because you can give them examples of how tone changes, what you’re saying completely and as young kids. Man, what a gift that is for them to understand that. So when they’re talking about the important things and allowing God to speak through them. It’s so much more natural when they’re older, right, yeah?
0:17:33 – Speaker 2
Well, and when they’re older, you know you got the hormones going on, you got the body changes happening, attitudes flying around, because they’re trying to process everything, yeah Right, and so we kind of joke about tone in our house. I mean, we have this thing that you know, I remember one day driving to school and my teen girl was sitting up front and there was just tone coming out and she had, she had tests. That day. I knew why there was tone, there was a lot of stuff going on, and so to me it didn’t bother me as much because I was just sitting there saying, dear Lord, help give her peace. I didn’t need to be right, I didn’t need to be respected.
I’m using air quotes here, like I didn’t need to do all that, because I was trying to walk in the spirit and see things from her perspective. But my son was in the back seat and he didn’t know all this that was going on and he screams out Tain tone, tain tone.
We got it in warning, like we do that in our house when teenager tone flares like we joke about it, right Because? And then we, there’s a couple questions that I sometimes ask my kids. I’ll be like would you use that tone with a teacher? Would you use that tone with your pastor? And so I know you’re comfortable here in this space and I know you’re comfortable with me and you’re letting your guard down, but let’s think about that. And so tone is just important in all circumstances. But we’re talking about the little things here and I think, these are good little teachable moments for our kids.
0:19:03 – Speaker 3
Well, and that’s what prepares them for the big things.
0:19:05 – Speaker 2
That’s why it’s so important this prepares them for the social media outburst. Yes, and the.
0:19:10 – Speaker 3
Twitter wars. We say we talk about tone a lot in our household but with my husband we have kind of a little joke. I’ll say watch your package. Not everybody knows what my husband looks like, but he’s a big guy and he’s got tattoos and sometimes he shaves his head. He looks like a bouncer and all the things. And I’m telling you he is sweet and smiley, like with kids, and he’s kind, but it comes to like work or tasks, he’s very task oriented and sometimes he’ll come home and he’s telling me like oh, I was at work and this situation happened and they just didn’t understand me. And I always reply and I’ll say what you’re saying is right, but I’m not sure the package you delivered it in was good. Watch your package, watch the package. And that’s been years and the way I learned that is from when we were first married. He’d be telling me thing, he’d be questioning me like a high profile prosecutor, like I was some kind of murderer Like a drill sergeant.
0:20:04 – Speaker 2
Like a drill sergeant, he’d be questioning me. And he’s big and has muscles and tattoos, and so he’s intimidating.
0:20:10 – Speaker 3
He’s intimidating. He’d be questioning me and I’d be like why, why? And I’d get defensive and all the things. And it came from a lot of conversation that I realized. But most of the time he thought what I was saying was great. But that’s his way of understanding. He’s a questioner and that’s his way of understanding and his package and his delivery and his tone does not always match what he’s actually feeling and so people don’t ever get to the heart of what he’s saying.
And so we talk about that a lot Like listen, if you’re gonna tell people about Jesus or if you’re going to talk about your stance on abortion, let’s say you gotta watch your package, man. And so I think it’s the good thing about it is within your own family. It can be funny to have the conversations and teachable moment, but it matters, tone matters. People will tune you out if your tone is wrong. And I just have to say this here texting and social media people cannot hear your tone through written word. We have a family rule and I try to do this with my friends as well if it’s an important subject, we don’t have that conversation via text or on social media God forbid. But if it’s a very important or big subject and pick up the phone, we need to talk about it or do it in person.
0:21:26 – Speaker 2
Well, or if it’s a thing that’s dividing you. It may not be anything big, it may be politics, but if you’re duking it out on social media and you know each other in real life, go have coffee.
Get together and again you’re gonna find some middle ground. You probably will, and you are probably gonna disagree on some things, and that’s okay. Disagreement does not mean hate. Exactly, I feel like that’s one of the big things in our world where we’ve accepted that if you disagree with someone, you’re anti or you hate them. That is not truth. It’s not truth and I don’t know how it got there or why but it’s Social media and divisiveness and only following people that you agree with, I think is how we got there.
0:22:10 – Speaker 3
I think you might be right, because it is just crazy how, if you have a difference of opinion, that means we cannot be friend, we cannot be respectful, we cannot find the middle ground, and really isn’t that? What we’re really hoping for is to find the middle ground where we can hear each other out, Find the balance. Find the balance, and we’re never gonna get there if we’re yelling at each other and being disrespectful.
0:22:32 – Speaker 2
The other thing is we covered tone. You gave some great examples. We have to choose our words wisely, and this again goes back to walking in the spirit. I love Galatians 516. It says walk by the spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. So many times the words that come out are emotional and defensive, and that’s really when we need to pause and pray and make sure our words are spirit led and make sure that Jesus wants us to say this to this person, whether it be in face or on social media.
0:23:07 – Speaker 3
Absolutely, and speaking from experience, that’s hard to take a minute to do that, but I think that’s really what God calls us to do is take a breath, take a minute and not react. And that’s so hard to do, but I’m telling you it changes everything. Proverbs has so many good words about our words and choosing our words wisely and what words do and the power they have. Proverbs 15, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but hard words stir up anger. I mean right there. That should be like our social media.
0:23:39 – Speaker 2
Well, and I love a few verses past that. In 15.4, it says gentle words bring life and health. A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
0:23:51 – Speaker 3
I mean it really gives a visual to how powerful our words are and why it’s so important to take pause. I mean truly, it can change the whole situation.
0:24:01 – Speaker 2
Well, there’s also a verse that says your words can build each other up or tear each other down. You get to choose, and parents listen. Being bold without being a jerk this is in our own homes. Being bold with our kids without being a jerk. You can instill truth in them without lecturing and demeaning them and calling them stupid and telling that all teens are crazy. You can have these conversations that give life and point them to truth without crushing their little spirit.
0:24:34 – Speaker 3
And I think this is kind of where we always end up. It starts with us. You know, teaching your kids to be bold and kind starts with modeling it for them and to see situations in ourselves where we circle back and say, man, I did not handle that well. My tone was off, I had this opinion about something you said or the situation and I wanted to convey it to you and I did it all wrong.
And if we can teach our kids that at a young age or at any age with humility, that’s going to take them so far. How much would that help them come Fade their faith in the little things? If we teach them in the little things to be bold in their faith and kind in the workplace and online as they grow up, I think that’s really the ultimate goal. So a couple of things that take away. Number one tone matters, it really does. Number two choose your words wisely. They can give life or they can crush a spirit. And number three teach your kids to be boldly kind in the little things to prepare them for the big things.
0:25:33 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
