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Are you ready for the nextTalk?
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Today we’re talking about ways to be a yes parent in a no world. I don’t even know what that even means.
0:00:43 – Speaker 1
We gotta dive into this. We gotta dive into it right away, because that’s just a thing we put together, but it really encompassed this idea that came to us as we begin to think about the online world. I mean, really there’s a lot of rejection and shame out there.
0:00:58 – Speaker 3
There’s a lot of be like this and have your lips redone and have butt injections.
0:01:05 – Speaker 1
Yes, my kids think that’s amazing, that that’s a thing. Mom, there’s no way that that is a thing and that anybody would do it on purpose. Anybody would pay for it.
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I think it’s funny that your little kids know that Billboards, billboards.
0:01:18 – Speaker 1
Yes, billboards are the teacher of our generation. Before they have social media. Billboards are the test market where you get to have open communication. Let me just tell you that’s awesome. You know our kids are navigating likes and dislikes, online friendships, false realities. I mean, I can’t even imagine growing up with that. I really can’t. It’s hard enough as an adult.
0:01:40 – Speaker 3
Well, and it’s almost like the world is telling them you’re never good enough. That’s basically like you being you. That’s not good enough. You have to improve yourself. You have to look like this, you have to be the stereotype.
0:01:57 – Speaker 1
I was thinking about this because I think I sent it to you. You asked me to do something, or whatever it was, and I sent this little funny picture of this guy throwing papers and each paper said no on it, and it was like no, no no, no, and I thought that’s like our kids reality every day. You know they post a picture and people are like no rejection.
0:02:16 – Speaker 3
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It’s just not even a consideration of feelings who they are, what they’re saying. It’s just like no, no, no.
0:02:24 – Speaker 3
Well, and also older kids. Who do you know your kids don’t have social media yet, they just have the billboards. But you know my kids well, my oldest has social media, my youngest doesn’t yet. But just like always, knowing where everybody is and knowing when you know she’s not, with a certain group or whatever, it feels like a no, all the time You’re not a part of it and that’s a whole. We could do a whole show on that. But this is what we mean by kind of a no world. Well, I think some people think well, it’s a yes world, everything goes. But that’s not really our take on this kind of show. We’re looking at what the world is telling your kid about their identity, really, absolutely.
0:03:02 – Speaker 1
And you know, as I began to pray about this, I thought you know what? Lord, help me to be a yes parent. And on that same regard of what you’re saying, I don’t want to be a yes parent, that I’m saying yes to everything.
0:03:12 – Speaker 3
Out of peer pressure. Out of peer pressure, or this is what. Yeah, go get your lips done or go, girl, you need a makeover. That’s not what we’re talking about here.
0:03:20 – Speaker 1
No, you know it’s easy to want our kids to be a certain way or expect them to like certain things, but that is what the world does. That’s what we’re saying. So what we want to do is validate and celebrate our kids by saying yes to who they really are, yes to who God made them to be and is calling them to do. That’s where we want to say yes and learn how to do it well.
I love that, you know. I guess the important way to sum that up is saying yes to the unique quirky traits of your kid and I’m laughing here because I got three quirky kids. You know, I notice as I began to parent and as my kids began to grow, sometimes I want them to be like me or how I imagined them to be, but I wanna be a yes parent and say yes to who they are, even if it’s not who I want them or thought they would be. Yeah, does that make sense? It makes total sense. So I think first step in that is learning how to see them, really see them, and accepting them and accepting that. And that takes a lot of intentional conversations and listening, which is not easy. But that goes back to that safe place that we’re building in our homes through open conversation.
0:04:25 – Speaker 3
If you’ve got a kid that is really shy and you’re an outgoing parent. You gotta be really careful with this, because it’s good to encourage your introvert to get out there and explore a little bit, but you’ve gotta be careful because too much pushing they feel like they have to change themselves. Yes, and this is something that I have learned on this journey, and we just have to be careful with that because, again, the world is telling them change, change, change. And what we’re trying to say is love them how they are. You’re shy, you don’t like being around a lot of people, you don’t like going into social situations. That is okay, I love you.
0:05:06 – Speaker 1
Yes, you know, I’ve learned that the hard way because my oldest is like that and I used to say when he was younger, because I being in radio all these years and learning how to interact with people, I just assumed my kids would be like that. I don’t know why we do that, I just thought that’s what you do, you are. You look people in the eye.
0:05:25 – Speaker 3
You procreate in their little use. That’s what you think Like. Just follow along, just do it. We don’t have time to deal with different personalities.
0:05:33 – Speaker 1
Yes, I’m just trying to figure out myself, figure you out. And I remember when my kid was little and again having that you know older mentor speak into my life, and a few times we were around each other and he wouldn’t really respond much or say anything, and so I would fill in those gaps and I constantly said, well, he’s shy, and the tone and the way I said it was like it was a negative thing.
0:05:57 – Speaker 3
Like there was something wrong with him, something wrong with him.
0:05:59 – Speaker 1
And this mentor friend who I love and adore, spoke into my life one day and said you know, Kim, the way you say that tells him that it’s not okay to be who he is.
0:06:08 – Speaker 2
And I was like thanks.
0:06:11 – Speaker 3
What a great mentor. I love you. What a great mentor.
0:06:14 – Speaker 1
But that just really cut me deep and reminded me and told me in that moment. I never want to tell my kid that who he is is not enough. And I want to say yes to the fact that you think about what you’re going to say, you take the time, you’re not just saying things like I do, you know, just off the cuff. That’s a good thing and I saw it again recently. I was reminded we went to the beach during the summer and it’s something we do every year and we were with a group of kids and all the kids were like playing games and doing this and doing that and having fun and being loud. And I look over and all day, every time I look over, my son is fishing by himself. He’s overwhelmed.
0:06:53 – Speaker 3
He is oh, because that’s what I thought. No, no See, that’s where I would have gone.
0:06:59 – Speaker 1
That’s where I went by and say anything. I just watched him. I’m watched him, I’m thinking why is he not being with the other kids? He’s not being social, he’s being so rude, like all these thoughts are going through my head and the Holy Spirit kept just saying be still, just let him be. And so I didn’t say a word until that evening, early evening, and he literally fished all day, did not engage in any of the activities, and I came over and I said hey, baba, you OK, and he’s like mom. I feel like I’m having the time of my life and I was like what he’s like. Thank you for letting me do that.
I love fishing and just being in the quiet and just thinking like this is the best day ever. And here I spent the whole day thinking something is wrong with my child.
0:07:41 – Speaker 3
But from my perspective, I feel like whoa, he’s so mature. Yeah, and that was it. Like we need to learn. All of us need to learn how to do that. Enjoy the quiet.
0:07:51 – Speaker 1
He’s confident in his own skin. He doesn’t feel like he has to go along with the crowd. He enjoys who he is and what he likes. He knows who he is.
0:07:59 – Speaker 3
But I wonder if he would be that way had your mentor not spoken that truth into you and I think that’s the point.
0:08:05 – Speaker 1
You know what I?
0:08:05 – Speaker 3
mean Because, instead of you just trying to change him, you just were like let me find the positive in this, and you spoke into that. Like you’re so analytical, you’re so you think about things before you say. Like you spoke into all the positive things and now he’s like yeah, this is who I, he’s confident.
0:08:23 – Speaker 1
He’s confident in his quietness, in who he is. In who he is and I just it was such a beautiful full circle moment for me. I stepped back and I was like just praising the Lord. Thank you, lord, that he is who he is, quiet and different and unique, and thank you for letting me recognize that you know, lord. So again, just every kid’s different, every kid’s quirky, and being able to say yes and recognizing that as a positive, I think it’s so powerful as parents.
0:08:49 – Speaker 3
Yeah, Know your kid, I know. When my daughter went into middle school she had her first time taking an elective and I did band and I was also a cheerleader in middle school, and so I’m like you gotta play a musical instrument, like musical people are genius, get your gear on. Well, and musical people are genius. Seriously, you’re a genius, so it makes sense. Well, I’m not a musical person anymore.
0:09:14 – Speaker 1
Oh no, not you. I met your daughter, oh yeah.
0:09:17 – Speaker 3
Well, you know she is pretty cool, but anyway. So she was doing an elective and I just assumed, like she’s gonna do dance or band, because I mean she’s my offspring and she’s just gonna follow what things I know, Of course, Like I can help her with the choreography and I can help her learn how to play the clarinet and the piano, Like I can do all that right. And so she comes home and she’s like I signed up for theater, yeah. And I was like what, what did you sign up for? And she was like I’m gonna do theater. And okay, at that time she was very shy, also Firstborn, I think. I don’t know. Maybe it’s something with the firstborns and being shy, I don’t know.
0:10:00 – Speaker 1
But, and I remember you texting out our little group and we were all like what?
0:10:05 – Speaker 3
First of all because you all were the same way.
Well, because okay. So she was inquired our church at the time and we went to a pretty big church, you know and she refused. Like she did one part one time on stage and she refused. She’s like don’t ever put me on the stage again. Like I just wanna be a backup in the choir lot. Like don’t ever hand me a microphone again. Like she just didn’t like that.
And so she’s telling me she wants to be in theater. And I’m like you know, baby, you’re gonna have to probably memorize lines and like be in plays and stuff. Are you okay with that? She’s like I’m gonna work tech, like I’m gonna work in the back. And I was like okay, well, she has a point. Well, she started theater. I was like I’m just gonna take my hands off of it because I wanted to just go in there. And I did have some conversations to try and change her mind and she was holding steady. I mean she was like I’m gonna do theater. And I thought I told my husband I’m like you know what, I’m just gonna trust her. She’s making good choices, like if this is the route she wants to go. So that was in sixth grade. Five years later she’s still in theater. She’s in the advanced production class in high school and they’re like a little family. It’s like been the biggest blessing, okay she has also gotten lead roles.
0:11:24 – Speaker 1
I mean she’s done all kinds of stuff. She won Best Actress in our School District.
0:11:28 – Speaker 3
Yes, she’s amazing, like and Anne. She loves working tech too, so she, like does the roles, but she also does behind the scenes and I’m looking at how she, like, is learning everything and thinking theater is teaching her a lot about how you have to be well-rounded for life. You have to be ready to make the presentation, but you also have to be willing to roll over your sleeves and do the in the background work, where nobody knows what you’re doing, and make it happen. And we have those conversations all the time and I’m like who knew theater would be such a life lesson for us? It’s incredible. I mean, we got the chance to go to New York and I went to my first Broadway show with her. I mean, it was just a whole thing. I’ve learned a lot about theater, like stuff I had no idea about, and I just can’t imagine if I would have said no, you can’t do that Like. I can’t imagine how many mistakes I would have made as a parent had I not done that.
0:12:22 – Speaker 1
I really think what we have to take away from this is that we need to verbally validate and celebrate who our kids are and not who we want them to be. Well, and when they want to try new things, let them, let them try new things, find ways to help them invest in the things that they like. I mean it really changes everything when they feel like you see them, you are listening to them and you are supporting them.
0:12:45 – Speaker 3
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0:13:39 – Speaker 1
Today we are talking about being a yes parent in a no world, and we don’t mean being a yes parent in the sense of like, yes, do whatever you want.
0:13:46 – Speaker 3
Have a phone at 3. No, that is not what we are saying, not what we are saying.
0:13:52 – Speaker 1
We are saying a no world is the online world and the type of world that our kids are growing up with, where they are constantly being rejected and feel like the world is saying no to who they are. We want to be a yes parent to say, yes, I see you, yes, I celebrate you, yes, I see what God is doing in your life and validating who they are and the way that God is raising them up to be.
0:14:12 – Speaker 3
It is really about their identity and their character today. It is. It is really what we are talking about and just accepting themselves for how God created them to be.
0:14:22 – Speaker 1
So we started out by saying say yes to the unique and quirky traits of your kid. They are not you and that is okay. And now we want to delve into saying yes by joining into whatever it is that they are invested in. So, like you talked about theater yeah, I remember this story. My mama is so sweet. Love your mom, yes, I love my mom and my mom is a business woman Successful.
0:14:48 – Speaker 3
0:14:51 – Speaker 1
She was like you know, dance all those things, loved all that stuff. Yeah, she, never in her life she played softball, never in her life did she do any type of, nor know anything about martial arts. So here comes me and I’m in high school and I come to her as a freshman. I’m like mom, I’m starting a judo team. She’s like say what I was like at the time I didn’t say this, but here’s the real motivation. My boyfriend at the time was a football player, captain of the football team.
Now we know, and in the off season he wanted to do something and he decided to join the judo team.
0:15:27 – Speaker 3
So you’re like I gotta get in there and spend time with it. Yes, I was like I’m joining the team.
0:15:30 – Speaker 1
I can’t play football.
0:15:31 – Speaker 3
So I’m going to do this. Yes, exactly, and then I do. You see this? I see this.
0:15:36 – Speaker 1
I was a you know, silly girl and I went to the judo coach. Mind you, I grew up in Hawaii, so martial arts is a big thing. Think football in Texas. So I go yeah it’s big, oh it’s big. So I go to the coach and he’s like we don’t have a girls team and I said, well then I will start one.
0:15:51 – Speaker 3
Yes, you are like braving the path, the new path for women.
0:15:56 – Speaker 1
Yes, I love it, so my mom appreciated that part.
0:15:59 – Speaker 3
Yeah. Because she’s super woman, yes, doing all these amazing things in her business.
0:16:04 – Speaker 1
Yes. So she said well, listen, if you can get five other girls to join, you know I will support you. It was always the thing my mom was like make your business plan and I will support so.
0:16:13 – Speaker 2
I did, I found all these girls.
0:16:15 – Speaker 1
We started a team. It’s great, they’re good at it. It just was one of those weird things, but I was passionate about it. I got into it, did all the training. I was like forget my boyfriend, now this is my thing. And it really became my thing. I competed on a lot of different levels all the way through college. I didn’t know this about you.
0:16:30 – Speaker 3
Yes, ma’am, I learned something new every day when we do this radio show I know so strange.
0:16:35 – Speaker 1
So here I’m doing Judo and I will tell you my mom because I was invested in it, I was passionate about it she said I don’t like it, but I will be at every game and I would look over on the sidelines and she would be bawling.
0:16:48 – Speaker 3
Because it’s very, because she’s proud of you. It’s no scared. Or because she’s scared Scared for my life. She doesn’t want you to do it, because she hated it she’s like.
0:16:55 – Speaker 1
It’s very physical and a lot of times I tend to get nosebleed, so sometimes there’s blood and she’s like in the medical field. She’s in the medical field, so she’s like concussion, like all the things, and there’s like a lot of throwing you know of a whole box of person onto the floor, like slap on the floor, and every time Is that what happened to your hip. That’s why your hip goes out. Is that why I’m broken? Just to come to, I’m old, from judo.
0:17:15 – Speaker 3
She doesn’t have hip problems. That was a total joke.
0:17:18 – Speaker 1
I secretly do. Yes, she would be sitting on the sidelines and she never said no, she never said I hate that. Well, she said she hated it, but she was there every game and she found a way to help me. She researched hairstyles, because the girl sometimes secretly would pull my hair on the mat and that was distracting and hurtful. So she researched hairstyles that would help me. I mean, just, she got in it and that’s.
0:17:41 – Speaker 3
She was in it with you. She was in it with me, my cheerleader, even though my biggest cheerleader, it scared her Through tears.
0:17:47 – Speaker 1
But the point being I will never forget that, that every time I looked up she was there, even though it was very hard for her and she didn’t understand it and she didn’t want that for me. That was my passion and she said go, girl, go, and I will never forget that. And so when our kids find something theater, you know, whatever it is my son right now is a drone pilot Like that is his calling. He’s like the lord.
0:18:10 – Speaker 3
0:18:10 – Speaker 1
Wants me to fly drones? Ok.
0:18:13 – Speaker 3
There may be a real market for that Listen my husband is the most amazing thing.
0:18:18 – Speaker 1
He researched the career path. He took him to a job fair and my son has lit up. It has been just life giving to him that we are investing in the future for him, just by saying You’re investing in what he’s interested in. Yes, it just makes all the difference. We’re saying, OK, your friends are doing this, that and the other you don’t want to do that. This is who you are, we see you and we celebrate it.
0:18:40 – Speaker 3
You know, I grew up in Indiana and basketball was the thing there and for some reason, my son is the only one born in Texas. Yeah, and he loves football. It’s the weirdest thing. It’s so funny. My husband and I we never were into football ever. Like we would watch basketball together all the time when we were dating and stuff. Yeah, but Michael Jordan, we would always watch Michael Jordan together in the Chicago Bulls. But football is my son’s thing. And I will tell you what I have literally everything I know about football my son has taught me. Yeah, and he loves it. We watch like hello football, I don’t know whatever it is, it’s like on a sports channel every morning and he’s telling me all the players and all the stuff. And so a couple years ago I mean I’m in it, like now, yes, you are Every Sunday.
0:19:30 – Speaker 1
I’m so impressed by this.
0:19:31 – Speaker 3
Every Sunday night. I mean it’s like football time on our couch, like it’s family time, right. And he wanted to play tackle really early and we compromised on that and we even talked to our pediatrician and our pediatrician actually said to him hey, can we wait till this age, until you play tackle? And then he was fine with that. But we found him some really good flat football leagues and one of them is even called Extreme, which is great. We love it. And like he wears helmets and pads so he can get used to throwing and stuff, all this stuff.
But a couple years ago what we did was we started a fantasy football league in our neighborhood Because I thought it would help me learn more about the game and then also come alongside of something that he loves. Yes, I can’t even tell you with the fantasy football, like we’ll go out to lunch just he and I and we’ll plan my lineup. Like he’ll tell me which players are good, we’ll go over this stats, like it creates this companionship between us, you know, like this cute little friendship, him helping me out with my football stuff.
0:20:35 – Speaker 1
Well, and the fact that you are validating like this is cool, that you like this and I wanna know about it. How amazing is that?
0:20:42 – Speaker 3
Well, and I tell him all the time and my husband does too, honey, everything we know about football, like you’ve taught us, like I don’t know if it’s the Texas in you that you were born here, like I don’t know where this comes from, yes, but he just loves it.
0:20:54 – Speaker 1
He even texted me the other day. I know, I know what you’re saying and he’s like Ms Kim, can I help you with your lineup?
0:21:01 – Speaker 3
So he told me several Kim’s now in our fantasy league and she’s joined this year, which is gonna be so much fun, so much smack talk going down. But like literally three days in a row he was like Ms Kim has not set her lineup, you need to text her. And then I was like, bubba, you text her, you get on this. And he was like, okay, I’ll text her.
0:21:23 – Speaker 1
I love that. It just you know, whatever it is, support your kid, help it grow, give them encouragement, validate that this is great, that this is what you love, and I wanna be on your team. That’s really the bottom line, you know. Another thing that I want us to remember is say yes to God’s calling on their life, and this is not always, easy.
0:21:43 – Speaker 3
You gotta trust God on this one Well because sometimes we just don’t understand it.
0:21:46 – Speaker 1
We don’t understand who they are or why they like something, but God created them to be a unique blessing and serve a specific purpose on this planet. It is not our job to say God you are wrong.
0:21:57 – Speaker 3
So I can tell you right now my daughter’s a sophomore and she loves theater so much and she is literally talking about maybe going into a career. Like we’re looking at colleges now and things that she could do behind the scenes. And so many times I’ve gone into fear mode because I’m like what if, like you know, because we think of Hollywood and we just think, out of whack, that’s what I think I think of liberal and they don’t have Sending my baby into the fire.
Yes, right, but as we’ve talked about her career path and what she could do, we’ve talked about how she could do tech for big Christian conferences, how she could be tech for, you know, big Christian bands, how she could work behind the scenes on Christian movies, you know, and even maybe, if God calls her, into a space where it’s not Christian.
I was just gonna say girl wait for it, I know, but like we’ve really had those and who am I to say God’s not calling her to that and I have to be real careful of shutting it down. Now we have frank conversations and I’ll say do you understand my concerns with this? Yes, you know, and we obviously talk through that, but I have to be real careful not to just shut it down because God literally may be calling her into a space to be a light somewhere, absolutely.
0:23:14 – Speaker 1
I think that is our go-to. Sometimes, though, is fear. Well, we just wanna protect mama bear, yes. And then the other one which I hear a lot, which I struggle with too, is judgment, because we have all these dreams for our kids, you know, before they’re even born. And then I have, like a middle child who tells me mom, I have this dream, I know what I wanna be. I’m like, yes, son, and I’m waiting for, like doctor, pastor.
0:23:43 – Speaker 3
I get NFL player Life changer.
0:23:45 – Speaker 1
I get frozen yogurt shop owner and inside I wanna be like no, no, no, I love frozen yogurt, but not that much. But who knows? You know, who am I to judge. That may be his problem. What if his frozen yogurt shop is the place where Bible studies me and where?
0:24:07 – Speaker 3
he spreads the word.
0:24:08 – Speaker 1
Jesus. I mean, who am I to judge what God is doing in his little life? And so, yes, we want to guide our kids, yes, we want to let them look at things strategically and with a smart mind and be wise in the way they steward their finances and their life. But, at the end of the day, if God is calling them into a space we don’t understand or are afraid of, maybe we just have to let them go to.
0:24:30 – Speaker 3
God. Well, I know I’ve talked to you about this. My oldest has said you know, I wanna start going on mission trips, and she’s 15, she probably should already be on some, but it’s in her little heart, you know and I automatically go to fear, Like I automatically go there and I know you’ve helped me a lot say you just gotta trust this and if it’s something she wants to explore, explore it with her, go on a mission trip together and, like you know, be in this journey with her and see what God’s doing.
0:24:58 – Speaker 1
So, you know, as the world is saying no to our kids, I just think it’s such an honor and a privilege that we have the power and ability to say yes, I see you, I see you. We can do that by saying yes to the unique, quirky traits of our kids. They are not us and that is okay. That’s actually better. That is better.
0:25:17 – Speaker 3
Because we’re messed up. I don’t want them to be me.
0:25:19 – Speaker 1
Number two, say yes by joining in celebrating them. Be a part of what they’re doing. And number three, say yes to God’s calling on their life. I promise you it is better than yours.
0:25:30 – Speaker 3
That’s how we say yes, in a no-world, amen girl.
0:25:34 – Speaker 2
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page